Monday, May 30, 2005

Dogshit Surrender Monkeys - Suck Polish Cock


Would you trust this man to tell you how to vote?

Somewhere France lost its way. Maybe it was when the Francs kicked the shit out of the Gauls back in 400 AD. Maybe it was later, the English, the Romans, the Algerians, the Vietnamese, the Germans (three times - although the German state needed to kick their asses in the 1870s to really form the country - you have the French to thank directly for Audi and Siemens). This country hasn't won a fucking war on their own since when, 1803? The cocksuckers would rather have Moscow tell them what to do then Washington.

Anyway, I've stereotyped enough for the moment. My point really isn't about the terrible status of the French armed forces, it's about the fact that the fucking cunts think that they are somehow better than the rest of Europe and that as a founding member they should not have one word of a constitution imposed upon them that they don't explicity agree to. It's amazing, the Democrats and Republicans (who let's be honest, aren't that different) can't agree on stupid differences, but somehow the European Constitution managed to convince the neo-Nazis and the Communists in France that they have a common enemy. Apparently his name is Jozef and he's a Polish plumber. Jozef was sitting in his Lada, waiting on the German border for the French to ratify the constitution; at this point do you know what evil Jozef was going to do? He was going to repair plumbing for 1 euro, plus suck your dick for free, if you chose him over a nice French plumber.

It was even worse - apparently, even though the constitution didn't mention Turkey, the fucking crazy Euro-centrists in Brussels somehow wrote a special passage in invisible ink that stated, "By passing this this constitution, you Frenchman, agree to allow 10 Turks move into your house, screw your wife, daughter and son, steal your job, drive your car, and then kill you." Really, it's all in there, we didn't see it because we don't have the secret decoder ring that came in every third box of Lucky Charms.

It's just amazing to me that the French are unable to tell the difference between the government (whom they hate) and the european constitution - which doesn't really allow Jozef to suck you balls. France needs this - 10.8% unemployment isn't going to get better because we're going to sit in our houses and cry about how good it was back in the 50s...the 1850s, of course. It's not ultraliberal, most Democrats in the States will tell you that its fairly non-liberal. It's not going to allow Turkey into the Union. It doesn't speak about ascension at all if I remember correct, beyond the fact that a new member has to be approved by all the countries in the union, blah blah blah. I thought Americans were stupid, at least George W. Bush offers something to certain groups; business, the religious, the insane. This constitution has no business being rejected by the French. But hey, who knows, they voted to sell the Louisiana Purchase to the US, maybe there's a golden lining after all. Ugh, forget what I just said, the French are willing to work hard to do what is necesary to get themselves out of the difficult economic situation they find themselves in - as long as that work doesn't take more than 35 hours per week, it doesn't require any attention through July or August, they all get raises, and 4,000,000 new jobs are created. No problem, little elbow grease'll fix it all...

Fuck 'em. (For the record almost everyone I associate with voted "oui," because they're not idiots).

Sunday, May 29, 2005

A Case for Relegation

I know that I've spoken about this before - the use of relegation in soccer in Europe. There are obviously some main differences between professional soccer and professional hockey, but I think that if the NHL wanted to look into making necessary changes to be able to implement a two division league, they would be able to.

The professional hockey leagues are quite fractured in the states. You have the NHL, then there's the AHL, CHL, ECHL, and the IHL. The biggest problem I foresee right now is that some of the minor league teams are farm teams for the NHL teams. But, why couldn't they rearrange these relationships; my understanding is that the farm teams are owned separately from the NHL teams. The Rochester Americans are the farm team for the Sabres, however the Amerks have completely independent ownership. The relationship is based on an "Affliated Partnership" agreement that has existed for the past 25 years. There's no reason that affiliated partnerships can not still exist either. Chances are one of the teams would stay in the lower league and one would be in the upper league. If the NHL was willing to liberalize the sharing rules between the teams, while maintaining a maximum amount of transfers between teams, it would allow certain partnership groups to guard franchise players, even if one team was dropped to a lower league.

Basically the way it works here in France (I believe it is similar in the UK too, but I'll have to wait to live there to confirm this) is the bottom 4 teams from league 1 get dropped to league 2 for the next season. The top 4 teams from league 2 get pulled up to league 1 for the next year. The first tiebreaker is goal differential (I have no idea what the second tiebreaker is - head-to-head performance maybe...).

Anyway, the League 1 teams get much more money based on the collectively negotiated TV deals (this would obviously be a huge windfall in NHL [sarcasm, dripping, dripping]...but who knows maybe it would pull down more cash if they managed to make changes that increased popular interest). The League 1 teams can charge much more for tickets, merchandise, etc. Basically the League 1 teams have a much higher cash flow to be able to buy (or trade for) players. League 2 teams end up selling their good players to be able to survive. Shitty teams can't just keep buying and buying players (yes, the NY Rangers, I'm looking at you).

Why is this system good? Number one, it would immediately deal with the contraction issue, without actually contracting. The NHL could go to a schedule of 50 or 60 games, the league could be 20 teams, and the playoffs could just be the top 10 teams, or something. This means the playoffs won't go on for 18 months (or 2) so they won't be playing hockey in Southern FL in the middle of June.

Also, and this is one of the main points I think. Every fucking game matters. The way it is now, shitty teams that are 15 games out of playoff contention have no reason to care - they wait for "next year." With relegation, you have to play hard all the time - or you're going to be charging $5 per seat and really playing for "next year." Yesterday was the last day of the French league, and there were 6 teams that could have been among two relegated. The level at which they played, and the importance of these games to the coaches, players and fans is amazing if you've ever seen a hockey game of already eliminated teams in May. The stadiums were also sold out - imagine that...Basically in this case every team has reason to play every game (and not in the cliched, media day announcement way).

There are many things that would need to be worked out for this system to be effective, but I really think that they should look into doing it. It really could be the answer to some of the problems that are plaguing this sport.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

'Crazy Old Coot', 86, jailed when pizza delay proved too much

I had to post this, just because of the headline. I know 'Crazy Old Coot' is used from time to time, but I can't help but think this is another sendup to the Simpsons, since it's used frequently there.

Anyway thanks to the BBC World News Service for the headline and the story:

An 86-year-old US woman arrested for incessantly calling emergency services to complain about a pizza parlour has spent two nights behind bars.
Dorothy Densmore of Charlotte, North Carolina, called the emergency 911 service 20 times in 38 minutes.
Angry she could not get the meal delivered to her home, she demanded police arrest the pizza proprietors.
But when she refused to stop calling, police arrived with their own delivery, arresting her for abusing the hotline.
She told police that she had been called a "crazy old coot" by someone at the pizza shop.
Mrs Densmore - who is 5ft (1.5m) tall and weighs 98lbs (45kg) - has also been charged with resisting arrest.
A police spokeswoman said the octogenarian scratched, kicked and bit the hand of the officer who did not feed her, after her repeated calls provoked a police response.
She has now been released from jail, pending a court appearance in July, after a judge ordered a medical evaluation.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

HAVING-ONE-BEER PLAN GOES AWRY (The Onion)

YPSILANTI, MI—Due to outside influence and unforeseen events, the having-one-beer plan that 29-year-old Keith Flemming devised at the outset of Monday evening went awry.

"This is a one-beer night," Flemming told his friend Sam Galveston as the two approached their usual booth at Fitzgerald's Tavern. "I wanna be in bed early, so I have time for a quick drink and some laughs, but that's it. I'm not going on a tear or anything."

Flemming, a sales representative for a boutique food packager, ordered a round of Bud Lights at 7:30 p.m. As the two friends drank their beers and discussed their summer-vacation plans, Flemming was well-positioned to meet his goal of being in bed by 10 p.m.

Shortly before requesting the check, however, Flemming briefly placed Galveston in charge of the itinerary.

"I gotta take a leak," Flemming said. "You know what they say about beer: You don't buy it, you rent it."

While Flemming was in the restroom, Galveston ordered a second round for the pair, thus causing Flemming's plan for the evening to go slightly askew.

"Well, I can't let this to go to waste," said Flemming, holding the beer up and chuckling. "After this, though, I have to get out of here. I gotta be up at 6 in the morning. Big day. Inventory."

Had events not conspired against him, Flemming could well have finished his second beer and still arrived home before 9 p.m. His plan was thwarted, however, when Gary Greely, a longtime acquaintance of Flemming and Galveston, approached the booth.

"Gary! Long time no see," Flemming said. "I gotta take off soon, but let me get you a beer first. We got some catching up to do."

Two hours and an unforeseen buyback later, the early-to-bed plan Flemming had established at the beginning of the evening was in serious jeopardy.

Flemming purchased "one last round" for the table at 10:35 p.m., but in order to get home for his revised bedtime of 11 p.m., Flemming drank the beer in 10 minutes—an act that caused further wavering in his resolve to leave the bar.

"Guys, I really should get going, I guess," said Flemming, slurring his words. "I really should probably... I got something I gotta do tomorrow, something at work early."

Flemming stood and began to gather his belongings and say goodbye to his friends. Greely, however, began to chant "shots," and the plan for the evening went off-track again.

"No Jaeger, though, man," said Flemming, returning to his seat. "Last time I drank Jaeger, I was hung over for days. No way."

"All right, but if I puke, you're cleaning it up!" Flemming added.

The three finally said their goodbyes and parted at 2:00 a.m., whereupon Flemming completed his evening in a manner wholly unanticipated—by vomiting, drinking several glasses of water, and falling asleep fully clothed on top of his covers.

"I only went to work today because I couldn't miss inventory," Flemming said Tuesday morning. "I don't even remember getting home last night. I know I didn't drive, because my car wasn't around this morning. I guess I took a cab. Christ. Honestly, that's the last time I do that. Next time, I'll go to the bar and hang out, but I'll just have a soda."

Sat my Ride


Sat my Ride
Originally uploaded by Salokj.
Companies are being to be able to offer satellite TV in cars now - the option costs between $2K and 3500 for the moment, but it should come down. This article summarizes the situation pretty well.

The best quote it at the very end...
"You're not a slave where you're sitting around waiting to go somewhere so you can finish watching the game,"

Now, don't let me go off on a rant here...but.

You are a fucking slave, you dumb prick; don't you realize that the fact that you have to have TV in your vehicle because your brain is so fried that you're not able to create imagery yourself by listening to the radio just proves that you sucking the man's c0ck every day.

In theory, I don't have a problem with TV in vehicles. Internet would be good. However, I sincerely doubt I will ever get such a thing. Christ, everyone knows that today's children can't not have TV to live - it's what milk was to children 20 years ago. But to say you not "a slave" because now you can get your fix of TV in the car...It used that when you had to wait you read the "newspaper" or a "magazine" or maybe even a "book," now you've got to watch The Apprentice while waiting for your kids to finish swimming practice...Ugh.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

R.I.P. Happy Hour

HAPPY HOUR has hit the bottom of the glass

My friends; a moment of silence for the dearly departed.

Yes, it is with a heavy heart that I post this. As we live our lives, merrily smiling and generally being happy, there are many others that of whom we must keep in our hopes and prayers. The British, known for their excellent blood-based foods, have cracked down on what the BBC claims to be "prime instigator of all manner of drunk and disorderly behaviour." This crackdown will effectively end the best hour of any Brit's day - yes the hour of debauchery known to the French as l'heure de joie, the Germans as glückliche Stunde, and the Spanish as la hora feliz.

Viva La Hora! Viva La Hora!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Star Whores: May The Marketing Be With You

So I was sitting around eating my Darth Vader Dark Side Dark Chocolate M&M's, and washing them down with a 7-Eleven Darth Dew Slurpee, while ordering a Darth Tater Mr. Potato Head on my Cingular phone with Chewbacca ringtones, and I was wondering . . . is there a new "Star Wars" movie coming out or something? I haven't heard anything about it. Well, I've got my fingers crossed that Lucas won't whore out his entire movie franchise this time . . .

Monday, May 16, 2005

Olé; Thoughts on the Corrida


Torro-flattens-horse
Originally uploaded by Salokj.

I went to a bullfight ("corrida" in Spanish and transferred into French as such) yesterday. I didn't know what exactly to expect. You know the bull's going to get fucked up, but you don't know how they arrive at this point. You ask yourself, is it really going to be a massacre? is it really going to be art? is it going to be somewhere in between? Always the populist, I fall on the "somewhere in between." It is a foregone conclusion. El torro doesn't stand an iceberg's chance in hell in leaving the arènes in any capacity other than the back of a butcher shop's truck (honestly). However, to get there it is quite a show.

The basic layout is the bull comes into the arena, he runs around chasing the guys with the pink capes. Then they send the picadors out with their horses. The picadors lance the bulls' neck muscles so they can not snap their head up as quickly. This isn't always such a one-sided battle, sort of. As you can see in the above photo, sometimes the bull gets the best of the horse. After the horse got leveled by the bull, the picador was face to face with the bull at about two feet. I thought we were going to see the guy take it in the eye, but luckily the helpers just around and thrust their pink capes in the bull's face and the picador was able to be dragged away (he got a nice slice opened on his leg by the horn).

After this part the matador goes one-on-one against the bull to place spikes in the bull's back to further weaken his muscles (below left) and then matador goes one-on-one with the cape; this is the part that is so oftenly stereotyped (below right).

Ok, as to whether this is cruel, inhumane and PETA-approved. My answers are maybe, probably not, and who knows, weirder things have happened, such as God choosing GWB for the White House.

These bulls live a pretty good life for 4 years or so. They eat and run around, probably screw a lot. If we compare this life with that of cattle, sheep, chickens, whatever, that are destined for my dinner plate; they live in tiny little plots, are force-fed antibiotics and grain, and disposed of on the "killing floor" (it's really more of a killing grate, Billy).
A bullfight lasts about 15 to 20 minutes. They stick very sharp objects into the bull. This can not feel good, however, you rarely get the impression that the bull is in pain. For the most part it does not act like an animal in pain. This is not to say that they are not in pain - I am sure it hurts, but you do not get the feeling that it is suffering a great deal. Up to this point, I have few problems - the only part that is disturbing is the coup de grâce. In theory, the matador is supposed to pierce a vital organ (I assume the heart is the most vital) by thrusting a sword into the back of the bull. A good thrust will kill the bull within a half a minute or less. However, this is rarely the case (or at least last night it was rarely the case). It is very painful to watch them try to kill this animal and not be able to. A few times it was very obvious that the bull was distressed and there are all these guys dressed in tights and pink socks are trying to dispatch it.

As I mentioned above, these bulls are then sent to the resturants to make torro steaks and torro pot roast. the killing is not in vain, per se. Over all, it is a very interesting performance with an ending as unknown as that of Star Wars, Episode III. I would probably go to see another if I was given the opportunity, if for nothing else than to be able to see how my opinion fortifies/changes from another example. I do not feel that it is overtly cruel, as I mentioned above, nor do I feel that it is inhumane, in the way killing 50 PETA members for no reason would be inhumane. This bull was raised with one destiny in mind and he has fulfilled this destiny.


Sunday, May 15, 2005

Simpsons Avalanche! (FINAL UPDATE FOR SEASON 16)

Apparently, FOX showed two new episodes of The Simpsons this past Sunday (I was driving back from NH, and I don't have TV in my car . . . yet). Did anyone see them? Reviews? Comments? Funny lines?

I don't understand FOX's scheduling. They preempt the show for a month to show some lousy "Billboard Music" show and "True Lies" for the 300th time, and suddenly they unload 4 eps in two weeks? I know that "Arrested Development" is on hiatus, and don't misconstrue this as a "complaint", but it's strange that they're bunching them up like this. Like I said, FOX has no idea what they're doing, they make money by sheer accident.

Oh, they're also showing a new one NEXT week. But it's actually TWO episodes, which they're calling "One Hour Season Finale!" Huh?
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A Star is Torn (#GABF13 / SI-1613) (8 May 2005)
American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino guest voices as a contestant in Krusty's "Li'l Starmaker" competition, who loses out to Lisa thanks to Homer's Springfield-centric song for her, but when Lisa fires Homer after he turns into a stage dad, he decides to help another contestant win the final.

Thank God It's Doomsday (#GABF14 / SI-1614) (8 May 2005)
Homer thinks he has the Bible's Book of Revelation worked out, and in order to make sure he goes to Heaven, he starts warning people about when the world will end - and people start to listen after a celebrity-filled blimp accident matches Homer's prediction that "stars will fall from the sky".

New Episode(s):

Home Away From Homer (#GABF15 / SI-1615) (15 May 2005)
When Ned rents out a room to two college-aged women who end up running a softcore web cam from the Flanders house, Ned becomes the laughingstock of the town. Jason Bateman guest voices as himself.

The Father, The Son, And The Holy Guest (#GABF09 / SI-1609) (15 May 2005)
Bart, expelled from school, is sent to a parochial school where he befriends a hip priest named Father Sean (Liam Neeson).

Friday, May 13, 2005

Give the Dems the three-finger filibuster "Shocker"

The Swift Report, a leader in fake news for, oh, at least a couple of months, brings us the latest news on the anti-filibuster movements from Congress..

TSR reports that, while meeting with Sen. Hillary Clinton last week, concerned citizens showed her the giant foam "Shocker" hand (see below). Aides to Mrs. Clinton stated that the shocker, "definitely made her uncomfortable, [since] this kind of pressure is really new to her."


The Swift Report did manage to fool Rush and the Drudge Report last week with their exposé on the Christian Right's backlash to Laura Bush's presidential disparaging remarks at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I'm Surprised He Didn't Get This In Jersey . . .

Elias likely contracted virus while playing in Russia

New Jersey Devils left wing Patrik Elias has a severe case of hepatitis A, but is confident he will recover and play hockey again, the Newark (N.J.) Star-Ledger reported Tuesday.

Elias, who had been playing in Russia during the NHL lockout, was told by doctors in the Czech Republic that he likely contracted the disease, which infects and can damage the liver, from food he ate.

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

Thursday Timekillers: Games!

Guess-a-Google is an interesting (if repetitive) guessing game that uses the Google image search function. I got 317 last night playing this, but only because some of them were repeats. The Montage-a-Google thing is also fun to play with. I used it to make my own Guinness and Simpsons wallpapers!

Briggster's Games features the best Flash version of the game Burgertime that I have ever played! Well, it's the only one I've ever played, so that doesn't make that sentence any less accurate. Otherwise, these games are all pretty primitive renditions. I like that the Video Poker lets you "borrow" money (you can go in the negative; don't try this at Caesar's Palace).

Miniclip.com's Vertigolf 2 takes a little getting used to, but it's interesting. Unlike most games that only use the mouse, this one requires holding down the space bar to hit the ball.

I had to include the HomeRun game here, the one Kris forwarded to us where you have to get the drunk guy home. It's frustratingly fun!

Feel free to put links on here for any other good games you might find.
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In other blognews, does the left margin sidebar look squashed to anyone else? It looks fine on my Firefox browser at home, but at work on IE it looks crushed. Just wondering, it doesn't really bother me otherwise.

I deleted the articles I posted earlier because I didn't want all that text cluttering up the blog; if you want to read them, click on the link, otherwise, who cares? Not me. In fact, I was already sick and tired of those stories as soon as I posted them. Yeah, I bore myself. *yawn*

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

Are you Ready.gov?

The US government (via Ready.gov) has provided its citizens with the handy "Be Informed: Nuclear Blast" guide. The best part of this is the "Visual Guide" which allows you to visualize the brilliance of the plan.

I like the first design the best - "If you are within one block of a nuclear blast, you should 'Consider' getting out of the area..."

Yep, always a good idea, if you haven't been vaporized, try to leave before you skin starts to melt.


2. Consider if you can get out of the area;

The second one is nearly as good. Little did I know that being farther away from the blast would be better for me. This is good because I will just make sure that the terrorists tell me where they are going to explode the dirty bomb, and then I'll make sure I am at least two blocks away.


4. Distance: The farther away from the blast and the fallout the lower your exposure.

The scary thing about this is not that terrorists will explode a nuclear device; this is bound to happen sooner or later. The scary thing is the amount of man-hours went into creating this amazingly informative guide. I would say the over/under has to be around 500,000 man-hours - and I'll take the over.

Monday, May 2, 2005

UPDATE: Old Money, New Morons

I said at the time that this story was "unreal". Well, I was right: these greedy morons made up the story about where they found the antique money, and now they're in a lot of trouble. They didn't "dig it up" as they claimed on various TV shows and to news outlets; they found it in an old farmhouse they were doing a roofing job on, and the owners didn't even know the money existed. They got caught because they couldn't get the story straight, from the date they claimed to have found it, to the neighbors who said they never saw them digging in the yard. So if they hadn't gone to the media first and just cashed in the money, they'd be sitting pretty. Instead, they got caught because one of the four idiots implicated wanted to get on TV to "promote his rock band".

Holy crap, that's so stupid, I'm speechless.