Thursday, June 30, 2005


Blogger Images has made it much easier to add photos to this blog. Click on the little picture icon along the top of the Edit Posts window, and upload. Voila!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Not Sure If She's Polish

I have to offset your picture with one of my own (which gives a whole new meaning to the term "plumber's crack"):

Thursday, June 23, 2005


I'm so glad I don't write comedy for a living, because lately I've been drier than a, uhm, camel's something-or-other in a . . . huge dry place. Anyway, in lieu of something else interesting or original to post, how about AFI's list of 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time?


1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," Gone with the Wind, 1939.
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," The Godfather, 1972.
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is
what I am," On the Waterfront, 1954.
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
5. "Here's looking at you, kid," Casablanca, 1942.
6. "Go ahead, make my day," Sudden Impact, 1983.
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," Sunset Blvd., 1950.
8. "May the Force be with you," Star Wars, 1977.
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," All About Eve, 1950.
10. "You talking to me?" "Taxi Driver, 1976.
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate," Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," Apocalypse Now, 1979.
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," Love Story, 1970.
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of," The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
15. "E.T. phone home," E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!", In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
17. "Rosebud," Citizen Kane, 1941.
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!", White Heat, 1949.
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!", Network, 1976.
20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," Casablanca, 1942.

21. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
22. "Bond. James Bond," Dr. No, 1962.
23. "There's no place like home," The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
24. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small," Sunset Blvd., 1950.
25. "Show me the money!", Jerry Maguire, 1996.
26. "Why don't you come up sometime and see me?", She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
27. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!", Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
28. "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By,' " Casablanca, 1942.
29. "You can't handle the truth!", A Few Good Men, 1992.
30. "I want to be alone," Grand Hotel, 1932.
31. "After all, tomorrow is another day!", Gone with the Wind, 1939.
32. "Round up the usual suspects," Casablanca, 1942.
33. "I'll have what she's having," When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
34. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," To Have and Have Not, 1944.
35. "You're gonna need a bigger boat," Jaws, 1975.
36. "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!", The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
37. "I'll be back," The Terminator, 1984.
38. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth," The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
39. "If you build it, he will come," Field of Dreams, 1989.
40. "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get," Forrest Gump, 1994.
41. "We rob banks," Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
42. "Plastics," The Graduate, 1967.
43. "We'll always have Paris," Casablanca, 1942.
44. "I see dead people," The Sixth Sense, 1999.
45. "Stella! Hey, Stella!", A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
46. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars," Now, Voyager, 1942.
47. "Shane. Shane. Come back!", Shane, 1953.
48. "Well, nobody's perfect," Some Like It Hot, 1959.
49. "It's alive! It's alive!", Frankenstein, 1931.
50. "Houston, we have a problem," Apollo 13, 1995.

51. "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?", Dirty Harry, 1971.
52. "You had me at 'hello,' " Jerry Maguire, 1996.
53. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know," Animal Crackers, 1930.
54. "There's no crying in baseball!", A League of Their Own, 1992.
55. "La-dee-da, la-dee-da," Annie Hall, 1977.
graduate 56. "A boy's best friend is his mother," Psycho, 1960.
57. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good," Wall Street, 1987.
58. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," The Godfather Part II, 1974.
59. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again," Gone with the Wind, 1939.
60. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", Sons of the Desert, 1933.
61. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!", Scarface, 1983.
62. "What a dump," Beyond the Forest, 1949.
63. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?", The Graduate, 1967.
64. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!", Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
65. "Elementary, my dear Watson," The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 1929.
66. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape," Planet of the Apes, 1968.
67. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine," Casablanca, 1942.
68. "Here's Johnny!", The Shining, 1980.
69. "They're here!", Poltergeist, 1982.
70. "Is it safe?", Marathon Man, 1976.
71. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!", The Jazz Singer, 1927.
72. "No wire hangers, ever!", Mommie Dearest, 1981.
73. "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?", Little Caesar, 1930.
74. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown," Chinatown, 1974.
75. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
76. "Hasta la vista, baby," Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991.
77. "Soylent Green is people!", Soylent Green, 1973.
78. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL," 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.

79. Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Rumack: "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley," Airplane!, 1980.
80. "Yo, Adrian!", Rocky, 1976.
81. "Hello, gorgeous," Funny Girl, 1968.
82. "Toga! Toga!", National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978.
83. "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make," Dracula, 1931.
84. "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast," King Kong, 1933.
two.towers 85. "My precious," The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002.
86. "Attica! Attica!", Dog Day Afternoon, 1975.
87. "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!", 42nd Street, 1933.
88. "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!", On Golden Pond, 1981.
89. "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper," Knute Rockne, All American, 1940.
90. "A martini. Shaken, not stirred," Goldfinger, 1964.
91. "Who's on first," The Naughty Nineties, 1945.

92. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a miracle... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!", Caddyshack, 1980.
93. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!", Auntie Mame, 1958.
94. "I feel the need--the need for speed!", Top Gun, 1986.
95. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," Dead Poets Society, 1989.
96. "Snap out of it!", Moonstruck, 1987.
97. "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you," Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
98. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," Dirty Dancing, 1987.
99. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!", The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
100. "I'm king of the world!", Titanic, 1997.

It's a fun list, and a lot of the quotes are hard to argue with. "Gone with the Wind" has three quotes, and it seems the entire script from "Casablanca" is there (6). And you've got all the greats: Brando, Eastwood, Pacino, Belushi, Cher (but alas, no Knopfler). It's good to see that "Caddyshack", "Airplane!" and "Planet of the Apes" are well represented. I have a problem with the lines lifted from real life (Lou Gehrig, Apollo 13), because Hollywood wasn't technically responsible for those.

Of course, the knee-jerk reaction to these lists is to point out what's missing, and my knee is throbbing like a veteran offensive lineman. First of all, I can't believe there isn't ONE QUOTE from a Monty Python movie, ("RUNAWAY!!!" from 1974's "Monty Python and The Holy Grail" springs to mind). And nothing from "Office Space", or "Pulp Fiction" ("Go medival on your ass" didn't make the cut)? So here some of the additions that I would put on there (obviously, I'm heavy on 80s comedy quotes):

"It's good to be the King." ("History of the World, Part I", 1981)
"How am I funny, like a clown?" ("Goodfellas", 1990)
"Yeah, baby!" ("Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery", 1997)
"Do NOT go in there!" ("Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", 1994)
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." ("The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension", 1984)
"It's over, Johnny." ("First Blood", 1982)
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" ("The Godfather Part III", 1990)
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." ("The Shawshank Redemption", 1994)
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." ("The Princess Bride", 1987)
"Welcome to the real world." ("The Matrix", 1999)
"KHAN!!! KHAN!!!" ("Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan", 1982)
"If I held you any closer I'd be on the other side of you." ("A Night at the Opera", 1935)
"What the fuck's a frush?" ("Revenge of the Nerds", 1984)
"We're on a mission from God." ("Blues Brothers", 1980)
"First rule of Fight Club: you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB." ("Fight Club", 1999)
"'Scuse me while I whip this out!" ("Blazing Saddles", 1974)
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." ("Ferris Bueller's Day Off", 1986)
"These go to eleven." ("This Is Spinal Tap", 1984)
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" ("Raiders of the Lost Ark", 1981)

I think my quotes rock (naturally), and they should revamp the entire list. What else do you think should be on here? What did I miss?

Thursday, June 9, 2005


Get ready to toast your Flaming Moes to some excellent news: The Simpsons movie is off the drawing board and in preproduction.

Work on "The Simpsons" movie is apparently underway, but the final non-Shrek like animated result is still a few years off. In fact, one site said Summer 2008, and I predict it will be better than the other big movies to be released that year: "Spiderman 4", the movie version of "The Six Billion Dollar Man" (adjusted for inflation), and the remake of "Apocalypse Now" starring Ashton Kutcher.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

No news here - One in Two Americans Crazy

And one in four were crazy in the last year.

They weren't actually crazy, they were in a state that was clinically diagnosable as mentally ill.

Why isn't this surprising at all. And here's a nice photo of our favorite presidential candidate who wasn't...


Tuesday, June 7, 2005


You've got to appreciate the sheer naivete of this missing kid's relatives. We're talking about an 18 year old straight-A student from Alabama who just graduated from high school, who is celebrating before she puts her nose to the grindstone once again to being her pre-med studies. She's on spring break in Aruba, and was last seen attending a concert, followed by eating and dancing at a Carlos n' Charlie's bar and restaurant . . . and they don't think ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED?

It was not clear if Holloway had been drinking the night of her disappearance, though her relatives say she does not party much, is achievement-oriented and a straight-A student who had earned a full scholarship to study a premedical course at the University of Alabama.

Are you kidding me? Where these "relatives" ever kids themselves? Did they go to school? Don't they know it's impossible for straight white people to dance without consuming some sort of alcoholic beverage? For the most part, they're saying all the right things to the press (well, except for one uncle who calls her "naive"), and I'm sure the kid is an outstanding student. But she wasn't on a Caribbean island to study. If you did a survey, I'd say that consuming alcohol would be the #1 reason underage kids go to another country for spring break! No, I'm sure she was going to Carlos n' Charlie's for the fine cuisine, and to have a few laughs over some Pepsi n' grenadines. Please. As soon as you walk into that place they're literally pouring shots down your throat, I'm not even exaggerating. You give them a couple bucks, tip your head back, and they mix the thing right in your mouth. But I'm sure none of that was going on.

Just so you understand, I'm not making light of this situation, especially since it's been a week and she hasn't turned up and I'm thinking this can only end badly. But the sheer ignorance of that statement really stood out.

Monday, June 6, 2005


This is interesting: Rudy Giuliani may help form a new hockey league called the "International Hockey Association", should the NHL lockout continue (which it appears it will, since the guys involved are complete assholes).


So I've been listening to the new White Stripes and Coldplay albums for the past few days. Yeah, they don't come out until tomorrow, but as you may have heard there was an "internet leak". I panicked and didn't know how what to do, so I stuck a bucket under it to catch it, otherwise my hard drive might have been flooded! Yeah I know, lame joke, but that's the best I could do. I had semi-medium expectations for these two discs--actually, no, I thought they'd probably be less than amazing. And after listening to them this weekend, I'm so underwhelmed, you have no idea. [I tried to come up with concise reviews for these, but I wasn't feeling that creative.]

On "Get Behind Me Satan", it sounds like Jack White made a deal with the Devil and traded in his guitar for a piano, with mixed results. On the plus side, Meg was told "less drumming, more tamborine". However, they still let her sing, which helps bring the album to a grinding halt (she's now officially the Ringo Starr of this band, in every way). Overall, a very odd pastiche of an album with a lot of awkward moments--not at all what I expected. I don't know what to make of it yet, but maybe it will grow on me. Now that Jack had his WHITE WEDDING, perhaps he'll start writing love songs, nothing but love songs . . . like Chris Martin.

Which is a not-at-all-forced segue into my capsule review of the new Coldplay album "X&Y". Well, hey, it sounds a lot like Coldplay . . . just a lot more bland (maybe Gwyneth softened him up . . . hey, it happens to the best of us, or does it?). Seriously, I've listened to the whole thing a few times through, and there isn't one song that stood out, except I think I heard one of them on the radio before. I'll sum it up briefly by comparing it to the giant 4x4 SUVs that the soccer moms who will buy this CD drive around in: it's comfortable, reliable, yet uninspiring. And, although it has the potential, it never really veers off the road or anywhere unexpected. (It should sell about 2 million units this week.)

I was also searching for a good summer concert to attend, and pretty much came up snake eyes there too. Of course, there is "An Evening With Journey". What does that mean? It alludes to more than just a concert: maybe dinner, a few glasses of wine, and if everything goes right, spending the night with them (included in the ticket price)? I have a feeling that's a "sneak out in the middle of the night" kind of thing, you don't want to be "Waking up with Journey". Or godforbid, "Breakfast With Journey". Oh, the horror.

Anyway, hey kids, rock and roll. Rock on.

Thursday, June 2, 2005


Now that we've got the serious political discussion out of the way . . .

It's June, and you know what that means--heat rash, West Nile virus, and a slew of summer movie blockbusters! You know how I feel about "Star Wars", but surprise, surprise, it's not the only tired-ass idea being flogged this season. Take a look at the unoriginal garbage masquerading itself as "entertainment" this year. Let slip the dogs of crap!

"The Longest Yard"
"Dukes of Hazzard"
"Bad News Bears"
"The Pink Panther"
"Herbie: Fully Loaded"
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
"The Honeymooners"
"War of the Worlds"

Wonderful! I've already seen all of these, so this saves me loads of time! This allows me to play golf and spend some time OUTDOORS this summer, instead of paying $11 to sit in a dark room stuck to the floor (which I can do at home for free). Okay, I technically haven't seen "Batman Begins", but all that will do is kill the lead actor's career for years to come (Christian Bale, allow me to introduce you to Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Michael Keaton). And the last movie there is a Spielberg/Cruise vehicle, but this time I just don't feel like getting behind the wheel. Meh.

Oh, I forgot to mention "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo", but I figured it needed its own paragraph. That's right, someone green lighted this sequel. I'll just let that sink in. There. You may start screaming.

(I don't really care about this stuff, I just wanted that hideous picture and headline off the top of the blog--thanks Kris!)

Just forget these movies and go buy MST3K Volume 7, featuring: