Friday, February 29, 2008

WHO DO YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET SERVICE AROUND HERE?

I'm pretty sure I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I was absolutely livid about something earlier today that I seem to have forgotten...Yep, I'm going to have a heart attack at 40...I can feel it coming...Let's hope it's minor and it will allow to change my life, maybe I'll "discover" God, worthless bastard that he is...Oh come on, does that shock you, with all the vile shit that we spew on here, that I would go after the big guy? Oh course if he does exist, I basically just guaranteed that my pending heart attack will not be minor...oh well I'm far enough to the atheist side of agnostic not to worry too much about it.

Right...so I hate marketing and marketers. The new "in" phrase in France is: "Increase your purchasing power." It started maybe 6 months or a year ago, with one store talking about your pouvoir d'achat...It's probably all Sarkozy's fault. Anyway, I am not an economist in the least bit, but this bugs the living shit out of me...Purchasing power isn't something that "increases" because the supermarket decreases the price of toilet paper...Purchasing power is (for me at least, a non economist) a measure of your ability to buy all the things that you need in a given time...Reducing the price of a plasma screen actually decreases your purchasing power because you can now buy less bread because you just took out a 4-year loan on a 52" Sony. There's this little thing called inflation, and unless you're getting really nice wage increases at work, your purchasing power is damn lucky to hold even. I hate marketers for confirming my deepest cynicism about people, 'cause let's face it; if more and more places are using it now in France it must work.

Movies suck...As you may know, I expected so much more from "No Country for Old Men." But, whatever...So now that Danny Lewis has won his very own bronze plated statuette, I figured I would watch this epic film of love and loss and whatever the fuck happened in California in the early part of the 20th century. Yeah well...Fuck Hollywood right in their Hugo Boss pants. I swear, they couldn't write a movie that I didn't hate if they had to (yes, motherfuckers, that is a challenge). It's not that "There Will Be Blood" is bad...it's just that it's...just...so...I don't know...ordinary? Without DDL this thing is standard Hollywood crap...with DDL...well it's standard Hollywood crap with an exceptional lead actor. I have a question: How come if I cut and paste a book and then throw my name onto it, it's call "plagiarism" but when they do it in Hollywood it's call "Best Adapted Screenplay." Fuck them all.

On a high note, I'm almost done with the written-word version of "No Country for Old Men." For their benefit, the Coens' did do a very good job at keeping movie close to the book, but the book is just so much better...The conversation seems more "real" in the book whereas in the movie it's just actors talking like that...I guess it's because, even though I see the movie characters when I read the book, it's not the movie characters who speak in my head...It's the book. It's hard to explain, but I guess I'm concluding that I really just prefer to read.

And that brings me to my final point: We tend to spew an awful lot of vitriol hate on this blog, but when something goes well, it deserves to be pointed out. I recently ordered the aforementioned "No Country for Old Men" (as well as the excellent "Our Dumb World" from The Onion) from Amazon UK because I was avoiding Amazon FR due to their legal problems with the French government (in retrospect, I obviously should have ordered from Amazon FR to tell the French to shove it up Carla Bruni's anorexic ass...oh well). The order was supposed to arrive a week later...which it didn't do. I contacted Amazon customer service and they told me that they would take responsibility for any delivery issues, but to wait a few more days to see if the French Poste could figure it out...they couldn't and I recontacted Amazon...Even before customer service recontacted me, I got a shipping confirmation from the automated webthingy saying my order had been shipped with no charges. Then I got an email from them with this line:

If the original package should arrive afterwards, please keep the items with our compliments, as the cost of return of the package is prohibitively expensive in this case. Perhaps you would like to donate it to a charity in your area if you feel it would be appropriate to do so.
Sure, this is probably standard practice, but it surprised the hell out of me. I assume/hope that Amazon FR would do the same thing - it's the same group - and this completely convinces me that Amazon is where I'm going to be buying my books in Europe for a long time.

I still haven't received the original package (I doubt I will, I'm pretty sure some son of a French postman just got new books for English class), but if I do, rest assured I'll do the right thing and put them on eBay immediately, or not. I'd probably just donate them to the American association here.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE MEGAN FOX EDITION

This is Megan Fox and from all indications (and Google image searches) she appears to dislike pants immensely. She's an "actress" who appeared in The Transformers "movie", or so I'm told by the interwebs. I'm not planning on ever watching it, but I can attest to the fact that she transformed my loose jeans into a pair that is significantly tighter in the crotch area.

Whenever I see a link for "megan fox wet bare feet", there is a 100% chance that I'm clicking on it. I predict that this will be the downfall of our country, wherein a not-too-web-savvy future President clicks on a similar link, and unbeknownst to him it will accidentally launch a thousand nukes, release cyanide into the water supply, or erase the database for every bank in the entire world (possibly all three).

But I digress. The bottom line is: Megan is quite a Fox! (See what I did there? Clever, eh?)

(Now, to throw some cold water on this post: the 21 year old actress is engaged to 34 year old "Beverly Hills 90210" assclown Brian Austin Green. I also predict, judging by her tattoos, nip slips and plastic surgery, that she will hit the wall hard and become the next Tara Reid.)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

IF THE NHL WAS HIGH SCHOOL

I'm on a roll this morning...I actually have a ton of work to do, but I keep running into interesting bullshit stories. So really quick, Hockey Drunk did a run down of all the teams in the league if the league was a high school (and we all know that the NHL is Special Ed...and the biggest retard is the principal):

  • Buffalo would be the kid who never can afford to go anywhere or do anything.
  • Carolina would be the farmer kid with a mullet.
  • Pittsburgh would be the crybaby tattle tail.
  • New Jersey would be the really boring kid.
  • Montreal would be the kid who wants to trade you his apple for your Subway sandwich.
You can read them all over at Hockey Drunk; they are humorous at the very least.

EARLY FAVORITE FOR A DARWIN AWARD

Update: Since this happened in 2007 he can't win the 2008 Darwin Award, but we can give him an honorable mention.

This is fucking brilliant:

A 39-year old New Zealand man died in a head on collision back in July. This isn't, by itself, newsworthy. What is, however, is that he was wearing a "fake seatbelt" to trick the police into thinking that he was wearing a real one because he had been stopped and fined 32 times for not wearing his seatbelt.

Of course the coroner determined that if he had been wearing his seat-belt, he would've lived. But my question is, wasn't the effort of making fake seatbelt setup and putting the fake belt on every time as much work as wearing a seatbelt would have been.

I understand that he didn't like wearing one, but real rebels don't fake it. Did Rosa Parks wear white face paint? Did Martin Luther kind of mutter a few sentences under his breath? Did Billy Joel care what the public thought when he wrote that freak-out song "Uptown Girl?" No damnit, these heroes did what they thought was right, not caring what The Man thought.

Screw those 32 fines. He should have put a big sign on his car saying "Fuck you pig, I don't wear a seatbelt and I'm loving it." Then his life would've been worth something.

Anyway R.I.P. Ivan Segedin...you obviously went out as you lived, in a blaze of idiocy.

[IHT]

STEVE BERNIER > BRIAN CAMPBELL

2 shots as a Sabre, 2 goals as a Sabre. While logging over 15 minutes of ice time, Bernier had 3 points for his new team and the Sabres' faithful were heard saying "Brian-who?" and "Man, Darcy sure is smart."

I don't/didn't know Bernier and when I first heard of the trade I was thinking, what the fuck do the Sabres need another young forward for, but with Maxim-for-men having a groin and playing like shit when he is on the ice, Connelly's brain having the elasticity of a super ball and all the other nagging injuries, I guess it's ok...Plus Bernier is young and big....He makes Derrick Roy look like a fucking midget in this picture. He also stood up for that midget apparently against goon Jortin Tootoo (jeff- is he on your list of girliest names?).

Yeah, Campbell was a good fit for the Sabres. He was fast, he was mobile, he wasn't afraid to shoot...but he did make his fair share of what-the-fuck-is-he-thinking moves...Trying spin-o-rama's on the penalty kill and other bullshit moves like that. I hate to see a good player go (and he was a good player), but at least, as opposed to Danielle and Chrissy, the Sabres got something for him.

I do have to say though, I feel bad for Bernier. He lived in San Jose in the winter...He probably could ride his bike to work wearing shorts. Try that in Buffalo. Oh and try going to the beach in March...I hear Lake Erie isn't completely frozen.

Don't worry, I'm not going to be one of those people who start saying that Bernier is great and that Campbell has always sucked. Campbell is a better player than Bernier, no doubt, but this was a good move by the Sabres because they weren't going to pay Campbell $6+ million over 5 years or whatever he thinks he warrants and they needed to be able to get something for him. If Bernier does turn into a 1st line winger with Vanek and Roy...that's great. But I'm not one of those asshole fans who immediately start talking about how their recently-traded Allstar is actually crap and the the 4th line winger that they acquired is AWESOME!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

BUBBLE HOCKEY!

For no other reason than I think this is funny, here's a video of bubble hockey trick shots, brought to you by the North American Bubble Hockey Association (there is such a thing?).



The super slo-mo on the deep slappers is priceless. My goal is to get one of these before the year is over. Anyone know where I can get one cheap? A new one goes for $2695 on Ebay -- a little pricey for me.

Finally, it's Sabres announcer Rick Jeanneret calling a bubble hockey game at a Ryan Miller charity event. Yes, he even makes this game sound exciting.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

WRIST SHOTS: THE ZAMBONI . . . FROM HELL!

(Please bear with me: I've got a lot of hockey stuff on my mind.)

HAPPY TRADE DEADLINE DAY, EVERYONE!

If you're a hockey blog fan, you've probably seen this picture already. No, it has nothing to do with Zednik's neck, and unfortunately Gary Bettman wasn't run down at center ice and dragged to his death right after exclaming "You are the best fans in the world!" (although it would have been the first time his presence elicited cheering). This is a dying Zamboni spilling transmission fluid onto the ice in Pittsburgh. Luckily, it gave the concession stands an additional 30 minutes to sell Iron City beer. Yecch.

With an OT win on Sunday afternoon, the Devils are in first place in the Wales Conference all by their lonesome for the first time since 2001 (unless you count the final day of the season in 2006, when they hilariously passed the Rangers). Some "experts" even predicted this team would miss the playoffs (like Don LaGreca, who has the weakest show on XM Home Ice next to Bettman's, and also serves as Michael Kay's whipping boy on ESPN Radio). But here they are, and they're not going anywhere just yet. Somewhat ironically as far as this blog is concerned, the Devils would play the Sabres in the first round, if the season ended today. In fact, why doesn't it end today? I think 60 games are more than enough to determine who's the best in each conference. So how about we wrap this thing up before baseball season and the Masters starts?

Once again, I guess I can no longer question Lou Lamoriello's shrewd decision making. He's somehow managed to make TWO (2) teams better this season: the Devils have responded to Coach Brent Sutter's new forechecking scheme, and the Bruins are playoff bound under ex-coach Claude Julien. It's trading deadline day, so will he trade for a center or defenceman before the deadline? Maybe get Brian Campbell from Buffalo? Lou certainly never does what you expect him to do. But all I can say is whatever he does (or doesn't do) is fine with me.

Since Rob no longer does his illustrious Rangers in the Night column, let me just say that this is the most ponderous and enigmatic incarnation of this team that I've ever seen. They shit the bed vs. the Montreal Canadiens by allowing an historic comeback where they rallyed from 5-0 down to a 6-5 shootout win (yet they still somehow earned a point), and then turn around and wax the Buffalo Sabres and Florida Panthers. I'd say "you don't know which team is going to show up", but that's not a battered enough cliché. Let's just say this IS the team that's going to show up every night: a wildly inconsistent and frustrating one. That Montreal game is a microcosm of their season: from champs to chumps in the blink of an eye.

In other news, Teemu Selanne was named Player of the Week. The guy decides to take 5 months off, possibly playing pinochle with Niedermeyer, and suddenly unretires and he's fresh as a daisy--how does he do it?!? This week, Peter Forsberg has to come back from his sunless stay in Purgatory (Sweden) and play for the Avalanche. I even heard Susyn Waldman shriek, "Goodness gracious! Fawsberg is in the ownah's bawks!" So who's the next "hired slapshot" going to be? Can the Devils talk Scott Stevens into lacing up the skates again for a playoff run? These unretirement parties have got to stop. It's borderline bullshit, if you ask me.

Strange things are afoot in the Campbell Conference. Mirroring Ottawa's fall from the top of the charts, Detroit's once insurmountable lead has been cut to a mere 6 points, and now they are looking over their shoulder pads at the Dallas Stars. At least they can't be accused of crapping out in the playoffs, since they got an early start this season.

I've gone back and forth with the latest NHL points system, where no team is truly out of the race and you can still collect points even if you lose 20 straight OT/SO games. How about we ditch the points system altogether and go to straight wins/losses? Who cares how many points a team gets any more? The NHL has rendered it utterly meaningless.

I agree with Mick Kern from XM: don't put ads on the jerseys. It's cheesy, and Bettman has raped NHL tradition enough already.

Flyers fans weren't booing, they were saying "Booo-iere!" Seriously, did I mention this team can't lose enough for me?

Nike is pulling out of the hockey business. Back in 1994 they bought Bauer, and targeted their products towards the high-end market, even having their marketing department sign Sergei Federov to cram $400 skates down the hockey world's throat. Now that they've effectively increased the price of ALL HOCKEY EQUIPMENT (and recently released skate retailing for a ridiculous $899), Nike has decided that their work is done. Seriously, go fuck yourself, Nike: just do it.

Ending on a positive note: nice move by the Prudential Center to showcase pee-wee hockey jerseys, along side the high school jerseys already hanging from the rafters in the prominade. It's a nice touch, and hopefully inspires more young fans to pick up the sport. The Rock is also be the home of the NJ high school state championship, which might be fun to attend.

(In other hockey news, the previously undefeated Suffern Mounties sadly and shockingly lost their first game in the playoffs to Mamaroneck on a goal in the final 15 seconds, ending their hopes for NY state championship run. This loss was positively Patriots-esque. I feel really bad for the kids, because they only get a chance to do something like this once in their lives, unlike pro athletes.)

UPDATE (1:30 PM): The Sabres traded Campbell to the Sharks for Bernier and a 1st round 2008 draft pick. Hopefully, the draft pick doesn't turn out to be a daft prick. Thanks, I just wrote that.

Also: Devils get defenceman Bryce Salvador from the Blues for goon Cam Janssen, and the Capitals get a real goalie in Huet.

AND THE MARIAN HOSSA WATCH CONTINUES.

UPDATE (3:15 PM): It looks like the Pens won the Maryanne Hossa sweepstakes. Dammit, they are going to be even tougher down the stretch, esp. with Crosby coming back TO SAVE HOCKEY.

UPDATE (4:00 PM): Sergei Federov was traded to the Capitals. It would be interesting if he anchors an all-Russian line of Federov, Ovechkin, and Kozlov: the FOK line!

PERFECT(LY AWFUL) SEASON

New Jersey head coach Jim Casciano, right, talks with his team during a time out against Utah Valley during the second half of the college basketball game Saturday, Feb. 23, 2008, in Orem, Utah. UV beat Tech, 76-50, giving the New Jersey team a 0-29 season. (AP Photo/Douglas C. Pizac) It's all over but the crying. The NJIT men's basketball team has set a new standard for suckitude. A few weeks ago I wasn't sure if it was even possible, yet they somehow persevered and completed a totally defeated season: 29 games up, 29 games they were knocked down.

There have been two 0-28 teams, but this team did them one better. And there's never one with such an impressive, flawless record such as this. The final nail in the coffin of NCAA basketball history didn't get hammered down easily either: their flight on Saturday afternoon was delayed out of Newark, and the game at Utah Valley State delayed an hour. They even stormed out to a 6-5 lead with just 37½ minutes to go, but the end result was the same as it ever was. They were never truly in the game, just like they were never in the season.

If Coach Casciano was still around, maybe he'd explain why he decided not to schedule the maximum of 4 Division II opponents, instead opting for the minimum of zero. However, he quit after this game, choosing to go out at the bottom. So we'll probably never know.

My favorite quote from one of the players, freshman point guard Jeryl Wilson (who is considering a transfer): "It's been hard. I'm just hoping to forget about it in a month or two. High school was fun. This is completely the opposite."

That sounds like a completely, thoroughly defeated young man.

CONGRATULATIONS NEW JERSEY TECH HIGHLANDERS. 0-29: The Perfect Season.

(Book on pre-sale at Amazon.com. I think some guy from Boston already trademarked that last week.)

Photo courtesy of AP/Douglas C. Pizac, who showed up at this game for some godforsaken reason.

Monday, February 25, 2008

ONN: ONLINE DATING SITES MAKE WOMEN'S FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR LOVE EASIER THAN EVER

From the Onion News Network's TECH TRENDS.

Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse.



I should have posted this for V-Day, but better late than never.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

NO OSCARS SHOW FOR OLD MEN

I tuned into the Academy Awards show for 5 minutes after "The Wire" was over, and apparently the French have taken over: Ratatouille and some French actress (who portrayed Edith Piaf) won?! Absurd, and I won't stand for it. Actually, I don't give a shit, I would have turned it off anyway. I know the Coen Brothers and Danny-Day are going to win anyway. Yawn.

I used to watch the Oscars every year and even attended parties, but now I'm really no longer interested. In fact, for the first time in many years I haven't even seen any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. The only nominated movies that I've seen were Into the Wild (which I despised, and which also reminds me of a bad date I went on), and Ratatouille. (I saw the latter with my nieces a few weeks ago, but only because I bought the DVD for them for Christmas. It's a shame that they introduced the Best Animated Film category so it didn't get nominated for Best Picture. Yes, I'm serious.) Regardless, I officially don't give a Pixar-animated rat's ass who wins what golden, glorified personality contest trophy. I just heard about how the Hollywood writers' were getting the shaft, now I have to watch these same guys patting each other on the backs? Forget it. Oh, and fuck James Mangold.

Maybe I'm just getting more jaded in my old age (d'ya think?) but I find very few movies that are worth my $10.50 (and rising). I tried to go see a matinee of No Country for Old Men the other morning only to find that it had only one showing at 4 PM; however, I could go to any one of 12 showings of the new Larry the Cable Guy "offering" instead. This is the problem with the current movie landscape: the divide between genres has never been greater, as it seems like there are either "Oscar" movies or "escapism" (action/comedy/kids) movies, the latter financing the former. Blame it on Lucas/Spielberg and the rise of the blockbuster, but things like "marketing", "focus groups" and "financial viability" have more to do with what gets greenlighted and shoveled into multiplexes than actual creative decisions made by the studios.

Why is it that the quality movies don't get showcased as robustly as the mass-market ones? For every No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood trailer I've seen, I've had to endure about 100 various ads for Jumper and Transformers, and I don't think I've seen trailers for the other 3 nominated movies more than once or twice. The main problem is that movies that make a lot of money don't win Oscars, possibly because of snobbish voter backlash ("if so many people enjoy it, there's no way it can be good"). Usually, only 1 out of the top 10 is even considered worthy for best picture; this year, that number was zero. In fact, the only #1 top grossing films to win the Best Picture award in the past 20 years were Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003), Titanic (1997), Forrest Gump (1994), and Rain Man (1988). (Okay, I'll cut Spielberg a break: in 1998, Saving Private Ryan got screwed by Shakespeare in Love. But fuck Lucas, who long ago stopped directing movies and decided to just sit back and cash the checks.)

So when was the last time all 5 nominees were also among the Top 10 grossing films? 1970, just before the blockbuster era was ushered in, and Spielberg's Jaws and Lucas' Star Wars were just mere gleams in their directors' eyes. Why am I mentioning this? I don't know. I just wanted to say that there will be no Oscars show for me, I'm too old to care.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS: SCARLETT JOHANSSON EDITION

I should write something witty and LOLable, like Kammann would...but I won't...I'm covering the Don't You Hate Pants this week since Kammann just didn't show up...rumors of drinking during snowstorms or some bullshit.

Anyway, it's Sunday morning so my brain is officially in the "Off" position...I'm just posting a picture of Mlle Johansson for your viewing pleasure.


Oh and finally a GPS system that makes some sense...I don't fucking care where the nearest McDonald's is (except maybe to stay away) and I could care less that my gas is "Texaco" or "Mobil" brand...well except Citgo of course...commie motherfuckers. But let's say for a minute that you've driven to Cleveland, OH...who knows why...who fucking cares. But now you're in Cleveland with nothing to do...You could go see the Browns stadium, I guess, but you need to do something more worthwhile with your time. Introducing NUDAR, a company that basically turns your GPS unit into the "MILF Hunter." You're looking for a topless juice bar at lunch time? No problem...All Nude Girls? Ok! Barely legal? Gotcha covered. The best in local prostitution? Umm, there may be something illegal there...check with your lawyer.

Anyway, NUDAR is an add-on for your Garmin, TomTom or Magellan that will lead you to the nude or semi-nude joint of your choosing.

Anyway, [NUDAR (NSFW) via Jalopnik]

Friday, February 22, 2008

TOYS: BRENT MUSBURGER ACTION FIGURE

For no other reason other than I think it's hilarious, it's the BRENT MUSBURGER ACTION FIGURE (from the Rocky II collection).



Now with microphone gripping action!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

GUITAR ZEROS: THE MUSICAL PARODIES OF SANTERI OJALA

These videos crack me up. It's a simple premise: Finnish guitarist Santeri Ojala has taken live performance videos of famous guitarists (Clapton, Santana, Vai, Eddie Van Halen, Malmsteen) and overdubbed his own intentionally awful playing. The results are hilarious, and expertly synched up as well.

However, some of the targets of the parodies aren't laughing at these as hard as I am: three of the humorless guitarists have allegedly threatened to sue, and his account on YouTube was suspended due to "copyright infringement" (god I'm so fucking sick of lawyers). Vai and Malmsteen are thought to be the likely whiners.

Anyway, since Wired has decided to host the videos, I've decided to post two of my favorites. I couldn't choose just one, so let's start with Eric Clapton at MSG:

Shredded to a Pulp: Eric Clapton (opens in a new window)

Even the overdubbed drums and sax on that one are perfect. However this is the piece de resistance, as Ojala dubs pretty much every instrument (and voice) during an Yngwie Malmsteen performance with the Japan Philharmonic in 2003:



The "Close Encounters" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" interludes had me rolling.

Also check out the Rob E. Lee/Ozzy Osbourne (whose overdubbed clapping is priceless) and Carlos Santana clips from the Wired Video site.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

MY FLORIDA HANGOVER

I just got back from Florida on Monday night, but in my mind I'm not truly "back" yet. While I was gone for the week a lot happened: the New Jersey Devils were (briefly) tied for first place in the Wales Conference (along with two Canadian teams), Blu-Ray won the HD war, the Hollywood writers' strike ended, and Castro quit. Maybe I should take another week off and we'll settle this whole Middle East conflict. I'll even go to Hawaii if you want--I will do whatever it takes.

Here are some things I learned during my week in Florida:

GOLF! It's hard to beat a round of golf in the winter, and Myakka Pines was in great shape (even though I wasn't). I may have said this before, but it bears repeating: if you lose a golf ball in a water hazard in Florida, DO NOT TRY TO RETRIEVE IT. There are alligators in every pond, and it's not worth losing a limb over a $2 piece of plastic.

TRAVEL: Waverunners are a great form of transportation. My cousin Heather in Bradenton has one that I got to tool around on, and I decided that I would take a waverunner to work every day if I lived down there.

As far as air travel is concerned, TSA sucks. The miserable people that work for them apparently flunked their DMV training and had no other job prospects. Why does everything from mouthwash to hemorrhoid cream have to be in a tiny plastic Ziploc bag? Can someone explain this to me? However, watching security shake down an 80 year old woman to make her relinquish her can of seltzer never gets old.

FOOD/DRINK: There are few places better than Florida to get fresh seafood. I recommend the grouper with the Caribbean chips starter at Sun House. On the other hand, no one should ever eat at Cracker Barrel. Just trust me on this one. I just had my innards violated by one of their high fat, high salt, high risk breakfasts on Monday. Never eat there. Ever.

Thank god for ABC Fine Wine & Spirits stores, because I was afraid I'd have to do all my beer shopping in Wal-Mart, where A-B unabashedly sells Michelob Ultra in flavors called "Tuscan Orange Grapefruit" and "Lime Cactus"--just the thought of that makes me want to puke. Thankfully, I was instead able to pick up a Schneider Aventinus which I enjoyed with my birthday steak.

OTHER. Rock Band, well, rocks. I played it on my cousin's XBOX360, and even though I consider it "the opposite of music" it's both a hilarious and addictive party game. I wanted to try every song but my parents were there too, and getting a little restless (though my mom rocked the cowbell on "Don't Fear the Reaper"). Now I'm thinking of buying a Sony PS3 before the year is over. (Oh, and "My Name Is Jonas" is the best song on Guitar Hero III.)

Young girls in bikinis also rock. It never fails: there's always some ridiculously gorgeous young girl on the beach that you can't NOT stare at. You just can't help it. I creep myself out when I catch myself doing it. I have an idea: it should be illegal to get a tattoo until you turn 18. This would make it much easier to determine if they're legal. Sure, it's still creepy when they're half your age, but at least you can't be locked up for it.

In closing, I found out that everyone outside of New England was rooting for the Giants (or should I say, against the Patriots) in the Super Bowl. Random strangers even came up to me: in the parking lot outside of Target, I had a Pittsburgh Steelers fan thanking me for snuffing out the evil Patriots. And it sure was fun to ride back on a plane full of New Englanders wearing a Giants shirt.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

GOALS OF THE YEAR: KOSTITSYN VS. FLYERS

Here's a clip of the (currently tied for 1st place) Canadiens' Andrei Kostitsyn scoring against the Flyers' Niittymaki:



Reminiscent of the famous Ovechkin goal from 2006, it's more of a "circus" goal (as Rob puts it) than an amazing individual effort (the Nash goal). But it's still fantastic.

(And I never get sick of seeing goals scored against the Flyers.)

Andrei Kostitsyn vs. the Flyers, 2/17/2008 [YouTube]

30 YEARS OLD: I'LL DRINK TO THAT

So Julie had planned a surprise party for my 30th birthday. She managed to get friends of mine from Lyon and Paris to come for the party and it was a ton of fun. I don't have a lot to say...We ate well, drank well and were well hung over the next morning...You'd think by 30, I would know not to mix all different types of alcohol, but I don't...this was my drinking schema...beer, beer, sweet wine, whiskey, dry red wine, beer, whiskey, beer. That's not really conducive to living well the next morning.

In any case, it was a costume party, with the theme being "America". Here's a few pictures.




More pictures can be found on my Picasa Web Albums page.

Monday, February 18, 2008

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE ART OF ROB ULLMAN

I really like this guy's artwork, so I'm going to link to him here. It's Atom-Bomb Bikini: The Art of Rob Ullman.
He's got various sketches, drawings and comics up on his blog, and most of them show his affinity for the female form (some NSFW, if cartoon nudes offend anyone). A great example is his drawing of a girl in her Winter Classic powder blue throwback Pittsburgh Penguins sweater:



Great stuff.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

WELCOME TO THE HEART OF JEFFUARY

It was a beautiful day for golf--in south Florida anyway. If I can find an interwebs connection above 24K I'll post something for real.

UPDATE (11:47 PM): Okay, I'm connected at 26.4K right now which is technically "faster", even though my cell phone's browser blows this away. It just shows you how far we've come in a decade, though I'm not sure it's "progress".

Welcome to the HEART OF JEFFUARY, which I've named because we're halfway through the month and it's my birthday (thanks for the birthday wishes, you know who you are). Oh, and it's also that annoying, lovey-dovey, buy-chocolate-and-jewerly-for-no-reason Hallmark holiday.

Most importantly, after my round of golf I found a place nearby that has a great beer selection, because I needed a quality brew to have with my birthday steak. After much deliberation I picked up a 500 mL bottle of Schneider Aventinus, "Germany's Original Wheat-Doppelbock Ale". It's a fantastic 8.2% ABV malty concoction with both fruity cherry and chocolatey notes, and it singlehandedly blows away any crap candy you might have gotten for V-Day.

So I had a fantastic HEART OF JEFFUARY, and I hope you did too.

(P.S. This is blog post #666, which may or may not be a good omen.)

THE AWESOME LICENSING POWER OF RENAULT

First, they worked with renowned Belgish animator Guionne Leroy (from Chicken Run and The Toy Story fame):



Then, they hired that crazy ambiguously strange couple, Wallace and Gromit:



And finally...O.F.F. makes their appearance in a Renault Kangoo commericial:



I couldn't find one with English subs, but it's not really hard to figure out what they're saying...and yes, that's what The Simpsons sound like in French.

SABRES! SABRES! SABRES!

I've not had cause to brag yet this year. This team has been annoying me since the beginning of the season, even though they have had a couple of flashes are skill. I doubt they're out of the woods yet...there's still plenty of games left in the season for them to fuck it up and/or trade Brian Campbell for some magic beans.

However, they are on a 10-game point streak, Vanek had his first career hat trick, they beat the shit out of the Sens, Miller got a shutout last night (which may not be big news for the Brodeur's of the league, but the Sabres rarely shut out their opponents) and he's got a 1.67 GAA over the past 9 games. All these are things to be happy about.

Plus, as Richard Zednik learned, they are willing to go to great lengths to keep their opponents from winning...Ok, that's not really a nice joke. I'm very glad that Zednik is doing ok, that's a very scary situation. I personally don't know if they should've continued the game - Colin Campbell, Darcy Regier and Bill McCreary all decided to let the game go forward - but if you ask the douchebags at Sportsline's Counterpoint-Counterpoint they say absolutely not, stop it now, we hate hockey, we hate you (or something, I may have paraphrased). They both (Erin "I'm a woman, damnit!" Brown and Greg "So Tired" Cimilluca) compare this to Jiri Fischer's cardiac arrest during a game in the 2005 season. This isn't the same thing at all. I understand that Zednik was a scary moment for everyone, but let's not kid ourselves...Once Zednik's carotid had been clamped his prognosis was significantly better. They had him stabilized within minutes and he was in the ambulance and to the hospital shortly thereafter. Jiri Fischer had cardiac-fucking-arrest; on the bench; during the game. No one knew what the result was going to be for a long time after.

Cue the melodramatics: "I tell you, it's going to save a lot of lives" - Teemu Selanne on mandating neck guards.

You've got people arguing about forcing players to wear all kinds of safety gear and even this idiot who wants someone to invent a skate with a protective plastic shield. On the NHL level it seems to me that the players are big boys and they can decide what they want to do...I'm glad that they all have to wear helmets, but if they didn't want to wear helmets, why should the league force them to? My view of safety equipment is to make the players be able to take more punishment and still play...no one wants people dropping dead on the ice; but the point of safety equipment is to make it so these guys can play 82 games per year with the minimum amount of injuries...Someone doesn't want to wear a mask...wants to risk losing an eye...Fine. Sucks to be him, but I don't understand why people think it's the league's job to force these players to protect themselves. If it's anyone's job, it's up to the individual teams to regulate how they want their players to be protected.

I hate to admit it, but this is something that the league has done well at so far...Not over regulating safety material.

All this talk about neck guards, but, as far as I can tell this is only the second time that someone has had their neck slashed at the NHL level...I'm sure it's happened in lower leagues, and I am sure people have died (I guess there was a death in Sweden in '95 that lead to the mandating of neck guards there), but it's far from a common occurrence.

I fully expect to see Zednik back on the ice soon...Malarchuk practiced four days after his jugular was sliced and played less than two weeks later. Fuck all the other sports, hockey players are the toughest.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

"LICK MYSELF" TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG (NSFW)

It's a sing-a-long Sunday here at the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG. Try out "Lick Myself" by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Warning: NSFW! A song about what every man wishes he could do... if you're at work better turn the volume down. Recorded live and uncensored in Las Vegas at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino. A DotComedy exclusive.

I was going to post a link to "Underage Bichon" or "Cats Are Cunts", but I wasn't sure how Google AdSense would feel about that.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!

This is going to be the best football off-season ever. I had such an enjoyable week just basking in the warmth of the Giants Super Bowl victory. You have no idea.

The Giants Super Bowl Tuesday parade and stadium celebration was all about Michael Strahan. He was completely off the rails, and it was hilarious. Here's a video clip of him at Giants Stadium as he imitates Howard Dean.



He's working on the comedy act for his post-NFL television career, no doubt. But the best quote is his message to the Patriots: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!



Meanwhile, everyone's new media darling, Eli Manning visited the Late Show With David Letterman the other night, and got in a few good lines.

Dave: What did you feel when you saw [Belichick] sneaking off the field like that?
Eli: Trying to beat traffic, I guess.
I don't know if someone wrote that for him, but it's priceless. Will he be the next sports figure to host SNL? Stay tuned.

One additional note: the field angle shot shown in the Letterman clip was great, but even more interesting was the amount of Giants jerseys you can see in the crowd. Look behind Eli (at around :50) while he's making his GIANT ESCAPE, and you see practically all Giants jerseys. I heard that this Super Bowl was different than previous games due to the large amount of ACTUAL FANS in attendance, which I suppose that was due to the massive amount of corporate ties for people in New York and Boston. So while the corporate douchebags reselling the tickets are enjoying the cash they made, at least some actual fans got to see the game and enjoy the priceless Giants victory.

Here's how WFAN's Bob Papa called that play on the radio. While I don't understand how he considered Tyree to be "wide open", it was still a thousand times better than Joe Buck's blase call on FOX. Just like emotionless call of the Tynes winning FG in Green Bay, he sounded like he was reading the instructions on a soup can. Yes, I know it's a visual medium and you don't have to be as descriptive, but at least show a little emotion. Because if you can't get excited about what NFL Films' Steve Sabol calls "the greatest play in Super Bowl history" (a guy who has been to every Super Bowl, I might add), why are you even doing the play-by-play? Your dad was a legend, but you are an asshat. Fuck you, Joe Buck.

So that's it for now regarding the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS.

(I repeat: that will never get old.)

Friday, February 8, 2008

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? IT'S HOCKEY CHEERLEADERS

Today's DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? post is a tribute to the University of Minnesota’s Gopher Hockey Cheerleaders.



Want attendance to go up in the NHL? Try this out, Bettman! It couldn't hurt.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

THE PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

Lately, there's been a lot of talk about perfect seasons. Maybe, maybe too much talk, as too many congratulatory voices can ultimately spoil the relentless pursuit of perfection. As we've already happily discovered this week, some teams have the talent but lack the intestinal fortitude to achieve such lofty aspirations.


As the men's college basketball season heats up, one team has separated itself from the rest of the pack and stands alone--and rightfully so. No, I'm not talking about Memphis, who probably by now has won over 20 games or so--I've honestly lost count. The team to which I am referring is none other than the New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders, who are on the verge of a perfect season.

A perfectly winless season.

Currently sporting on an astonishing 0-24 record, the NJIT squad is ranked an unsurpassable 341 out of 341 Division I NCAA basketball teams. This is no mean feat. Starting off the season getting unceremoniously waxed by Manhattan (8-14) by a score 70-28, they haven't looked back, nor have they looked forward; in fact, one would be hard pressed to determine that they have affixed their gaze in any discernable direction all season. Along the way, they've succumbed to each and every perennial powerhouse they've met: stoned by Stony Brook (4-18), lambasted by Longwood (3-20), mauled by the Maine Black Bears (5-16), just to name a few.

This is just their second season as a Division I Independent since moving up from Division II, and they've come a long way since their inaugural 5-24 record. Only two other teams have gone totally defeated: Savannah State (2004-05) and Prairie View (1991-92), both going 0-28. But can they pull off a season of such distinction? Unlike the 2007 Miami Dolphins (1-15), I believe they have it in them, and whatever "it" is might have to be surgically removed.
Here is their remaining schedule (with each opponent's record and CBS Sportsline RPI rank in parentheses):

Feb 9: @UT-Pan American (9-13, #297)
Feb 13: @La Salle (8-11, #194)
Feb 16: Chicago St. (7-15, #205)
Feb 18: @Longwood (3-20, #332)
Feb 23: @Utah Valley St. (9-13, #246)

As you can see, virtually nothing stands in their way of achieving perfection. Of these final 5 games, 4 are on the road, 3 of which are against teams who have already soundly thrashed them, and the other is at LaSalle, to which they should easily surrender a win. And I don't know how many college basketball fans have filled Newark's 1,500 seat Estelle and Zoom Fleisher Athletic Center to witness history (I'm going to guess not many), but that Chicago State game will be their final chance to do so.

Can this team go all the way and nail down that elusive Perfect Season? So far they've made it appear effortless; not only do the players seem to be up to the task, but Coach Jim Casciano seems to know how to get them to not to perform. It's like the movie "The Perfect Storm"; as you may recall, all the characters drowned at the end. However, this is a group that cannot be started. I say they will finish the season exactly the way they started it, and get it done.

0-29: The Perfect Season. It's so close you can practically taste it coming back up.

EUPHEMISM OF THE DAY: GETTING LEGLESS

I like euphemisms for drinking...A lot of them are creative and there's at least as many phases to say "getting drunk" as there is to say "getting laid."

Today's euphemism is: Getting Legless


Luckily for us, this young lady is not legless.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

'ARRESTED' MOVIE IN DEVELOPMENT?

No sooner did I post the pilot of Arrested Development to kick off Jeffuary did this little news tidbit arrive: Jeffrey Tambor said on XM Radio's Ron & Fez Show that plans for an AD movie are in the works. Jason Bateman is also very interested, and producers Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard are attempting to round of the rest of the show's cast members. They already have an idea for the storyline, which is the first good reason I've heard yet to end the writers' strike.

If past performance is an indication of future results, it will garner a 92% Tomatometer rating from critics while making $92,000 at the box office. But with the state of comedy movies today (Meet The Spartans, Norbit, Adam Sandler steadfastly refusing to retire), this is refreshing news and obviously incredible news for the fans of the show like me. And since all three seasons are on DVD, you have no excuse not to catch up. (I really want Season Three for my birthday.)

CAN JEFFUARY GET ANY BETTER? I HUMBLY SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT!

STEVE HOLT!

Photo courtesy of Fox Entertainment

RUBBING ELBOWS


So I chauffeured Monday and Tuesday in La Rochelle. Alstom was launching their new "AGV" which is the newest, most advanced version of the TGV (train de grande vitesse).

The job itself was easy; there were ten chauffeurs and ten cars from our company and basically we had to go to the airport, wait for the private jets to land, avoid the massive amount of security because Carla Bruni Sarkozy was landing just after, then bring the guests the 5 miles to the site and wait until Sarko had spoken and then bring them back to the airport.

Anyway, I get the list of my charges and there's a Mr. Montezemolo arriving by private jet from Rome. I knew this was a big thing - Sarko was there, Martin Bouygues was there, the Director of Alstom [of course] was there, but I didn't know anyone by the name of Montezemolo. After I picked them up, I, on multiple occasions, referred to them as "the Italians" and Montezemolo even mocked me about it - but I was afraid to attempt his name, since I am horrible with Italian names.

Anyway, they get into the car - which was a Citroen C5 (the worst of the worst French cars) - and Montezemolo asked me what it was and then said something to the effect of "French cars aren't too bad." To which I nearly responded, "yeah, but it's no Alfa." However, being the discrete chauffeur that I am; I didn't. I should have.

As I dropped him off someone involved in the organization referred to him as "Le Président Italien": I knew he wasn't "The President," but this piqued my interest so I did a quick Google search on my phone as I was waiting: Luca Cordero di Montezemolo: President of Ferrari and Chairman of the FIAT group. And I'm driving this guy around in the equivalent of a fucking Buick. The assholes who organize this stuff don't find it necessary to give us a tiny bit of background about our charges...I would have made the Alfa comment, if I had know who it was and I wouldn't have referred to him as "Le Italien" either. Oh well.

Needless to say, he was nice enough. We did a little jaunt around La Rochelle before they left, but he didn't (as I had hoped) tip me a new car. Or even a key chain. I did get to drive right up to the steps of his airplane, like they do in the movies.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

SUPER BOWL XLII: WHY IT WAS THE BEST EVER

Michael Strahan and the Giants defense successfully pressured Brady in the first half - Photo by Doug Mills NY TimesIt's Fat Super Bowl Tuesday, and I'm still soaking in the Giants' shocking victory on Sunday night. A lot will be said about this Super Bowl, but none of it matters because it wasn't said by me. Being a lifelong Giants fan (and not just when it was fashionable to be one), I may be a little biased but here's why this was the best Super Bowl ever:

  • It was won by a 2 touchdown underdog against a previously undefeated team. Therefore, I'd have to say that this was the single biggest upset in NFL history, and maybe all of professional sports. (People are going to tell you Namath leading the Jets to win Super Bowl III was bigger, but they're asshats and they're wrong.)
  • The New England Patriots didn't lose this game, the New York Giants won it, with an 83 yard game winning TD drive in the final 2 minutes. As a bonus, there were no sissy kickers involved in the final decision.
  • It put to bed the endless "are the 2007 Patriots are the greatest team ever?" discussions. Now we know they're not. That title still belongs to the 1985 Chicago Bears, followed by the 1984 San Francisco 49ers (both 18-1), and then the 1972 undefeated Miami Dolphins. However, the '07 Pats were just elected into the Hall of Nice.
  • Defense wins championships. Yes, it's a cliché but it's so often true. The Patriots record-smashing offense averaged nearly 37 points a game during the regular season, yet were held to just 14 on Sunday, as Brady was knocked down 23 times (5 sacks) and constantly pestered by the Giants pass rush. (The unsung hero for the Giants was Justin Tuck: 6 tackles + 2 sacks + 1 forced fumble = 1 fantastic game by the Giants' defensive lineman. THE TUCK RULES!)
  • The Giants wanted it more. Yes, that's another cliché, but try and convince me that they didn't. You can't, and you never will.
  • Bill "Mumbles" Belichick, the genius coach who could do no wrong, was outcoached by Tom "Screaming" Coughlin and the Giants' staff.
  • It proved that arrogance doesn't win you games (e.g. Brady's snarky laughter regarding Plaxico's 23-17 prediction), you have to actually go out on the field and perform. (One additional point: how ironic is it that Tiki Barber interviewed Eli Manning on the TODAY show on Monday morning? AAAAWKWARD. I prefer to think that Tiki, and his massive ego, were both dying a little inside.)
  • It was a fitting payback for the Pats' coaching staff getting caught cheating, for which Belichick could still be suspended for. The moral of the story: kids, you shouldn't cheat to get ahead.
  • Back-to-back Super Bowl MVPs were won by a pair of brothers. You can hate the Manning family if you want, but that's astonishing.
Of course, this game is nothing without the Game Winning Drive, the one that turned Eli Manning into a Man, the same drive that made me alternate between nervously pacing, hopping with joy, and screaming at the screen like a complete lunatic. This had three memorable components:

THE ESCAPE. Third and 5 on the Giants 44, with 1:15 left Eli Manning dropped back to pass and immediately had 4 Patriots defenders swarm him, one hitting him in the head, several grabbing his shirt, and a sack looked like a foregone conclusion. But none of them ever tackled him and he somehow got free, rolled right and unloaded a rainbow pass to the middle of the field for a ridiculous 32 yard completion.

THE CATCH. The player on the other end of that pass, jumping just a little higher than Rodney Harrison at the Pats 24 yard line, was David Tyree. Though he spent most of the season on special teams and only had 4 catches, he ended up having the game of his life at wide receiver, with a TD and the biggest catch in Super Bowl history. Going up to grab it with both hands, Harrison had a fistful of his jersey with one hand as he tried to knock it out with the other. But he somehow pressed it against his helmet with his right hand as he fell backwards onto the defender, then rolled over with it firmly in his clutches without the ball ever touching the ground. Unreal. The phrase "miraculous catch" was just replaced by the word "Tyree".

THE WINNER. When Eli threw the TD pass to Plaxico Burress with :35 left, that ball seemed to hang in the air forever. And that feeling when you see the ball at its apex, and the camera pans to show the receiver wide open with nothing but a glorious expanse of endzone grass surrounding him, and before he even catches it you know it's going to happen, and the euphoria sweeps over you as you hold your breath and wait for the winning score to become reality . . . I wish you could bottle that up and sell it. It's amazing.

(Also on that drive: Jacobs converting a crucial 4th and 1; Steve Smith catching a 5 yard out on 3rd and 11 and turning it upfield for a first down.)

Of the three SB wins I've witnessed, I enjoyed this one the most. The 1986 championship team was a juggernaut for whom a SB win seemed like a fitting climax; the 1990 team went undefeated most of the season and, despite stumbling a bit after losing its starting QB, won it all with the help of a lucky missed FG. But there was really nothing special or extraordinary about this 2007 team, except how they played when it mattered.

I've bitched about this team for years, frustrated by their inconsistency, wondering which Giants team was going to show up on any given night. Why does this team do this to me? Why do I let them? However, moments like this remind me why I bother to hang in there and root for them. Now it feels like it was all worth it.

(In a week, I will be reporting from the Florida gulf coast where I will be playing some golf and relaxing on the beach. EVERYTHING'S COMING UP JEFFUARY!)

That great photo courtesy of New York Times photographer Doug Mills.

Monday, February 4, 2008

NEW YORK GIANTS: SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS!

I can't believe what I just saw.

The Giants just won the Super Bowl, beating the previously undefeated Patriots 17-14, in one of the most improbable and stunning upsets ever.

Wow. I'm so giddy right now, I can't even express myself in words. So here are some pics.





That pass from Eli Manning, as he somehow avoided a sack, to David Tyree will be one for the ages.




And the winning TD catch by Plaxico Burress, one of only 2 he would make all night, a 13 yarder with 35 seconds left would send the Patriots home losers.



Like I've said before, just tell Eli there's 2 minutes left and send him out there.

What a fantastic game.

You can't beat the Boston Globe's reaction to the devastating loss:

Giants ruin Patriots' quest for perfection with 17-14 stunner

There'll be no Hub parade on Super Tuesday. No commemorative books about "Path to Perfection." In New England, the church bells all are broken. Two-touchdown favorites and touted as possibly the greatest football team of all-time, the Patriots were beaten by the Giants, 17-14, in Super Bowl XLII.
Hey, don't cry New England fans: 18-1 is still pretty nice.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

SUCK IT, BRADY!!!

NEW YORK GIANTS - SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS!

(Yes, I realize I didn't use the term Hyper-Match 101010 in this post. Screw the NFL, they can sue me.)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS?

Welcome to a new OPEN HOCKEY BLOG feature: DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? This girl certainly seems to have a particular aversion to them, which I am not complaining about:



Meet NY Giants Girl Reby Sky (yeah, I'm sure that's her real name). Here's her vital information:

Age: 21
Born: Queens, NY
Height: 5" 5'
Stats: 34A-24-36
Favorite Giant: Phil Simms
Favorite Giant Moment: WIDE RIGHT! (Note: she was 4 when this happened. I feel extraordinarily old.)

LET'S GO GIANTS!

(You guys had better win. You don't want to see a hot chick like this get upset do you?)

Reby Sky [MySpace]
Reby Sky [Official Site]
NY Giants Girl [Official Site]

T.I.H.™: PEOPLE

This is bound to be a frequent subject...hell, our blog subtitle basically requires that we hate people, but, despite my extreme cynicism (to the MAXXXX), I am still astonished by the idiocy of people on a fairly regular basis. I just don't understand how people can be so fucking stupid, time and again. I'm probably overly judgmental of people, but so what...that's my right.

Anyway, today's people-hater column is about the "environmental" wienies who eat organic food because it's "better" for them. Let me give a little background. My family is quite a bit to the left of the run-of-the-mill leftists. They are not communists, but probably socialist. They are very aware of the impact that their lives have on the earth. They are, in this vein, very environmentally conscious. I am significantly less so, but I take a lot of my environmental awareness from them. Like for example, just buying organic for organic's sake can be stupid. Did you know that in Peru they are clear-cutting old growth rain forest to plant "organic" coffee plants because the FDA's rules state that you have to prove five years of non-utilization of pesticides for an organic label...However, if it's virgin land, there's no such requirement. So these environmental yuppies are actually doing worse for the world because they insist that their beans be marked "Organic". I know a bunch of people like this, and it bugs me, a lot...It's like the Apple fanboys or someone who will only drive BMWs, they think they're better...IT'S ALL ABOUT MARKETING, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

Anyway, the NY Times has an article about organic vs fairtrade vs local-grown flowers. The line that pushed me to rant: "Why would [organic flowers] matter? We’re not eating them." I fucking hate people. I fucking hate people. I lost my copy of the study that proved beyond a reasonable doubt that organic was "better" for you. I'll buy organic if it's not that much more expensive, but I'm not convinced that's it's 200% better for me than non-organic foods. If I buy organic it's because I prefer that my consumption has a minimal impact on the world, not for some selfish asinine reason that has been drummed into my head by green marketeers. (I'm plenty selfish on other fronts, lest you worry).

I heard a story on the radio today about Greenpeace taking it to the [French] auto manufacturers because of the greenwashing of their vehicles. They are selling the same cars with the same motors that they sold 5 years ago, but now these cars are "green" and they're saving the world and they're "stopping global warming" (which is the environmental cause du jour, nothing more, nothing less IMHO). Greenpeace wants them to make actual strides for environmental cleanliness. And here I part ways with Greenpeace. While I have environmental sensibilities, I also think that the free market is a wonderful thing. I hate people who buy big H2-like SUVs, but if there's a market for it, then the auto makers should make them. I would like to see the market disappear, but how where the fuck does Greenpeace get off saying that a public company, like GM (or whomever), should be forced to stop making a profitable vehicle. My weakness is high-powered station wagons (necessary specs). Some of these people want a world to exist where no vehicle has over 100hp...Fuck that.

Enjoy your whale meat. (yes, I know it's Sea Shepherd Conversation Society members who were being held on the Japanese whaling ship, but this cracks me up to no end). I don't like whaling, but I find it delightfully ironic that they the Japanese whalers offered to feed the protesters whale meat.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

BETTMAN SUCKS: THE BLOG

As you may know, we here at OPEN HOCKEY BLOG are united by one fundamental notion: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman sucks. In that spirit, we've created a new blog: Bettman Sucks!

Go check out the newest member of the Eye-Opener Media Family of Hate Blogs, and the latest entry:

BETTMAN: CELEBRATING 15 YEARS OF SUCKITUDE.

Enjoy!

P.S. Bettman saw his shadow today, which means 6 more years of him sucking.

DRINKY DRINKY: WHISKIPEDIA!

Finally, an online resource that I can use: WHISKIPEDIA.

"This site has been set up to be the definitive online resource for all things Whisk(e)y."

It's about time. There's a long list of single-malts up there, but very few pages completed. I have some work to do.

Friday, February 1, 2008

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

It's that magical month once again, where it's all about me. (Kris also turns 30 at some point this month, but never mind that.)

I've got several things planned for this supersized leap-yearified 29 day month, including: drinking, skiing, the 1st ANNUAL LEAP INTO JEFFUARY NYC PUB CRAWL (details coming soon), videogames, a week long trip to Florida featuring golf, going to the beach, jetskiing and drinking (possibly all at once), a college hockey game, finally going to see that damn Coen Brothers movie, and much much more. Most important of all, I'd like to thank the New York Giants for playing in HYPER-MATCH 101010 on Sunday, making this an extra special Jeffuary. (And win or lose, I will be taking a sick day on Hyper-Match Monday and hitting some golf balls somewhere.)

As I've done for the past two
years here on the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG (proud member of the EYE-OPENER family of hate blogs), I'm going to put up a daily post featuring whatever the hell I want (as if I haven't been doing that already). Today, it's a video from one of my all time favorite TV shows.

Arrested Development
was one of the funniest shows ever. Sparsely watched but critically acclaimed during its brief three season run on FOX, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb there. Smartly written and densely packed with jokes, it was also excellently casted (who knew Jason Bateman could be a hilariously dry straight man?). And Will Arnett (GOB) never ceases to crack me up; it's a shame his movie career so far has been awful.

I see new things every time I watch an episode of this show, which is pretty much all I've done for the past month since getting Season 1 and 2 on DVD. And if you didn't follow it from the beginning, I admit it would seem rather daunting; you need to know the background of the characters and their situations to truly appreciate the humor, plot, and many call-backs to previous episodes. With the availability of the shows on DVD, TV (I think it's still on G4TV?) and online (thanks, Hulu!), you have no excuse. I will not let you ignore it. So let's start at the very beginning.

"Pilot"
Season 1
Episode 1
Time: 21:44
Aired: Sunday, November 2, 2003
Moments after Michael Bluth decides he's leaving the family business because he was passed over for a promotion, his father is arrested for shady bookkeeping.



Arrested Development [G4TV site]

Whatever happened to Alia Shawkat? All I know is that she turned 18 last April and she's filled out rather nicely. Couldn't Michael Cera get her a juicy nude scene part in one of his movies?




UPDATE (5:00 PM): Hulu isn't working at all today. Thanks for ruining Jeffuary! Stupid Hulu, with your stupid name. What is a Hulu anyway? Besides a non-working crappy website?

T.I.D.H.: ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE SPACE TRAVEL

Ok, I don't know what the fuck this is, but they promise to take me to Saturn, and I don't even have to buy carbon offset credits, because it's 100% Green.

As we know a picture is worth 1000 words, and since our share of the AdWords pot is based on words, I'm going to let this picture do the talking.












What you see here is Commander Dr. Doug Haynes doing practice runs for his Saturn Trip that is due to commence at the end of Jeffuary.

Dr. Haynes and co. are taking reservations now through the Blue Nebula automated E-Ticketing system to such destinations as the Sun, Mercury, and of course to Uranus. Do not be fooled by the low-quality of the images - have you ever tried to use a digital camera in a zero gravity environment? Of course not!

Now some people are going to say that he just took screen captures from previous Star Trek episodes and Photoshopped MS Painted a picture of a UFO into them, but you're missing the point. Space travel is here now and Dr. Haynes will get us there. I haven't read the terms and conditions, although I imagine it's standard stuff - if you die blah, blah, blah. I'll keep you all informed as to my launch date, but I promise you that Open Hockey will be in outer space before you can say "Bettman sucks." If you want us to go to any specific destination (a list can be found on Blue Nebula's home page), shout it out in the comments. And those of you looking to break out of your daily grind and do something new and exciting, they're hiring in their "Employmen Village." I hope that they employ women too - it's going to be a long trip to space with just men.

God Bless the Interwebs, fore without we would have to watch TV.

T.I.H.™: THE LEAGUE THAT IS ABOUT FOOTBALL ON A NATIONAL LEVEL

First, we have to use HYPER-MATCH 101010 to avoid the wrath of Roger Goodell's goon squads, then we have to deal with the league's Fortnight of Jackassery, and now, we can't watch the Hyper-Match on any TV that is bigger than 55 inches. I'm not fucking kidding. While Bettman (obviously) sucks and I highly doubt the NHL has problems with Stanley Cup Finals Parties, this crackdown on churches showing the "big game" is just fucking Bettmanesque.

I'll just summarize really quick for those of you too lazy to click through: Some churches have used the "Big Game" (their words because the League has previously cracked down on "Super Bowl"©®™ Party) as a way to reach out to some people who would not normally find themselves in such an establishment. Additionally, it was a way for parishioners to get together and have fun. The League of all things Football on a National-level didn't like the fact that this was driving ratings down (200 people watching TV in one room does horrible things to Nielsen ratings). Easy enough...Threaten to sue for copyright violation (of course). It's simple as the league's spokesasshole says: "We have no objection to churches and others hosting Super Bowl parties as long as they . . . show the game on a television of the type commonly used at home" (which they define as 55"). I understand, it's not like these TV's are that easy to get your hands on. Hell, you'd basically need to know a black market Russian importer to do this. You can however have 40 TVs that are 55" - that's no problem, but one TV that's 56" - you're going to jail, you bible-thumping motherfucker.
If you've recently bought a 60" screen, and you're planning on watching the HYPER-MATCH 101010, Roger Goodell's "Executive Assistant," Bruno, would like a word with you in the alley behind Bourbon Street in the next 5 minutes.

Now I can be a big critic of churches. Never really had much of a use for them myself and I find a lot to dislike, but most church-going folk mean well and I'm sure that the large majority of these parties are without [much] ulterior motives. Sure they want people to come back on Sunday, but this isn't about that - bars showing the game have a much bigger vested interest than the churches. The fact that these churches are "violating copyright law" by offering free admission, free food, not requesting donations and not evangelizing because they decide to show the HYPER-MATCH on a bigger than 55" screen or [god forbid] a projector is just idiotic.

FUCK THE NFL©®™ - the royal twunts that they are.

The League is being threatened with a lawsuit by a civil liberties group.

[WaPo, NFL Pulls Plug on Big-Screen Church Parties for Super Bowl]