OPEN HOCKEY - We Hate You Already

WRIST SHOTS: LET'S CELEBRATE THE BRUINS DEMISE

2010-05-18T13:15:00.004-04:00

Nothing could bring me out of blogretirement faster than an epic choke.

Even though I can't root for the Flyers, how hilarious and Schadenfreudetastic was the Boston Bruins complete collapse in their 2010 Stanley Cup playoff series with the Flyers? Was it the worst collapse in history? Being up 3 games to none, and then up 3 goals to 0 in Game 7 at home, I'd have to say yes (even though Yankee fans might disagree). And it couldn't happen to a nicer fanbase, as Boston "fans" are so quick to gloat about their "achievements", and also throw their teams under the bus.

Selected comments from the Boston.com Bruins Blog:

bostonalex wrote:

F*CK THIS TEAM

I'M DONE!!!!

EVERY YEAR ITS THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Ex-boston bruins fan

Awesome! Way to stick with your boys through thick and thin, even when they don't win a championship every damn year! This one is also priceless:

aceshigh502 wrote:

Fire them all. Chiarelli for not making a trade at the deadline, Julien for not keeping them motivated, and most of all CHARA FOR NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF BEING A CAPTAIN AND LEADER

You KNOW he'd be saying "Chara is WICKED AHHHSOME GO B'S" if they hadn't blown this series. These are also pretty sweet.

dreweagle09 wrote:

They will never get the fans back after this.

They simply blew it. Big time.

Just when fans were losing interest in the other Boston teams, the Bruins failed to take advantage of the support.

I love how the Red Sox are one game under .500 and 8 games out in mid-May and fans are already "losing interest". F*cking spoiled fairweather fans. (I'm pretty sure the Yanks were 5 games back of Boston late last June--and we know how that turned out.)

ipot wrote:

This will be the infamous 2009-10 team that no one should ever mention again.

And I guarantee they just started mentioning the Bruins again when they made the playoffs again in 2007! Blaming the media is a classic tactic too:

jim2000 wrote:

Thanks also to the never-ending jinxes of the Boston Sports Media who seemed to think the B's had won the series at 3-0. Nothing like giving the opponents some bulletin board fodder, guys.

amazinglarry wrote:

I would like to personally thank Jack Edwards for constantly bringing up the 3-0 in the Series and in the Game references... as usual, the random BS statistic crap he comes up with comes back to bite us in the butt.

THANK YOU JACK

The Boston sports jinx! But this is the topper:

dreweagle09 wrote:

Send a clear message to all pro sports teams: don't buy anything from them until they prove that they're sincere about winning.

Tough economy. Save the money. Watch Hockey East instead.

There's no other way. The B's have to be dismantled piece by piece if they're ever going to win us back.

They don't deserve us.

The classic Boston "WE AHHH THE BEST FANS EVAHHH AND THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE AW-AH SCAAAHN!"

Stay bitter, Boston "fans"!

Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Brian Snyder

WRIST SHOTS: GIVING THANKS FOR HOCKEY

2009-11-25T08:59:00.005-05:00

I'm going to come right out and say this, and I know faithful reader(s) of this blog will be astonished by this Thanksgiving Eve admission. But here goes:

I am thankful for hockey.

There. I'm glad that's off my chest.

As I get older, I find that following professional sports doesn't pay dividends like it used to. It was once a fantastic and fun diversion to follow your favorite teams and players, revel over the incredible winning plays and improbable comebacks, and agonize over the crushing defeats and missed opportunities. But it's an emotional investment that I find myself unable to immerse myself in. And after being prescribed medication for high blood pressure, I realized that living and dying with your team just isn't worth it.

However, hockey is a fantastic sport to watch, follow, discuss, enjoy--and get borderline crazy over. It's fast paced with passes, hits and goals happening in the blink of an eye, and team momentum changing just as quickly. Some of the best talent the sport has ever seen is on the ice right now (OVIE! SID! MARTY!), and overall the NHL is highly competitive with every game worth watching and every team having a legitimate shot at the playoffs. It also features actual skilled athletes that are in shape, not morbidly obese men crashing into each other for 5 seconds before resting, chemically enhanced he-men swatting 600 foot dingers, or (god forbid) rednecks driving cars real fast in a circle. It's a true team sport in which defense is rewarded. It's the best sporting event to watch live, and at home it benefits the most from a widescreen, flicker-free HD broadcast. Additionally, there's very little dead time for color analysts to blather incessantly about the previous play, and for showing replays from 14 different angles. It's as close to perfect as you can get (despite commissioner Gary Bettman's endless attempts to screw it up).

The best thing about the NHL right now is that the casual fan has either tuned out since the lockout, or just aren't compelled to pay attention to it anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to a hockey fan. Who wants random people at work talking about the Rangers and Devils in the playoffs who didn't see one regular season game? Who needs people suddenly wearing their team's paraphernalia (sometimes in shades of pink-oh the horror!) only when they're playing well? Not me. I'm quite happy being a hockey fan that only has to discuss hockey with OTHER HOCKEY FANS. I used to bemoan the fact that ESPN and their ubiquitous SportsCenter barely covers the NHL, but now I cherish that reality. Everything ESPN touches turns to shit (Monday Night Football, NBA, sports highlight shows), so I'm happy that they don't give the sport the time of day. This way, I'm 100% sure I don't need to watch.

Yes, I'm thankful that hockey exists, one of the best things Canada has ever invented (along with back bacon, Bill Shatner and alcoholism). HOORAY HOCKEY!

AND LET'S GO DEVILS!

(I had to slip that in.)

Photo courtesy of AP

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

2009-11-19T12:04:00.003-05:00

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)

I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.

What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

DRINKY DRINKY: AUGUSTINERBRAU OKTOBERFEST BIER

2009-09-30T13:13:00.002-04:00

Ahh, an Oktoberfest that doesn't taste like candy. Let's face it, most Oktoberfest's are 1) Good 2) Sweet as fucking hell.

I can get Paulaner by the case, but I only grabbed a 1/2 case because it's just too sweet for my taste. I like my beer bitter, sour and light.

For the record I can get Augustiner by the case too, but it costs almost 30% more. My beer store has also stopped running the 15€ case promotion, which means I have to pay at least 30€ per case now. Assholes.

Anyway on with the capsule review:

The Augustiner is lighter and less sweet than Paulaner. Even if the raters on ratebeer.com like Paulaner better than Augustiner, it doesn't matter. They're all wrong anyway.

It was a nice, light straw color. Lot's of carbonation bubbles were present. It had a nice "oktoberfest" taste without the "if-I-drink-another-one-of-these-I'm-going-to-be-sick-for-3-days" sweetness.

Anyway, that's the capsule review. I don't have time for more. I do like Augustiner better than Paulaner. However, I only bought 1 bottle of Augustiner, so now I have to switch to Paulaner.

Banjos, huh?

2009-09-17T03:49:00.003-04:00

Umm, I don't really know what to say to this. I guess all I've got is "Banjos"

I don't hate it, btw. Well she gets all preachy in the middle there, but the music part ain't too bad.

THE DRINKY DRINKY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: DUFF BEER

2009-09-06T11:40:00.006-04:00

Ok, so "Duff Beer" in the Simpsons is knock-off of Bud, the worst mass produced beer I've ever drank (well at least since Coors Light); but as a Simpson fan and a beer drinker, I think it's one of those fetishs that we all have: TASTE FUCKING DUFF BEER.

Well the other day, I was at the beer store buying a case of my now House beer (Schoenberg or something - don't ask, it's not that good). I was waiting for the cashier to ring up the lady in front of me and looking over the different cases of beer that they added since my last visit and I see a little hand-written sign "Duff: Simpsons beer" and I covered the 3 meters between the register and the display in 1.5 steps. I have no idea how much it cost, I really don't care. I had no idea that someone was selling Duff beer, but figured 'why not:' Fox has licensed the shit out of the Simpsons from Weber Grills to Krusty's Home Pregnancy Tests ("may cause birth defects") (ok, maybe that last one wasn't real) so why not the beer that says "fat and bald men."

Anyway, after getting back home I figured I would do a little research into this product. Wikipedia EN (which is always accurate) told me that my beer was made in Mexico for the South American market. While, I guess it's possible that there were grey market imports to Europe, the bottle itself directly contradicts this with the statement "Gebraut in Deutschland" and the website of the brewer (or at least marketer) www.duff-bier.de. This website enlightened me with the following statement:

The legendary Duff Beer gibt es jetzt auch in Ihrer Nähe!

OH REALLY! Ok, I don't speak or read German, so I headed over to Babelfish:

The legendary Duff Beer now gives it also in your proximity!

Well I guess that answers someone's question about what gives "it" in "your proximity". Ugh.

Next stop Rate Beer where "Duff Beer" gets a stunning 8th percentile in the Pilsner category...wait, that Duff is brewed in Belgium by Haacht (which sounds exactly like the sound I'll make tomorrow morning after drinking a sixer of this beer).

So, with these elements in hand, I can honestly say "I haven't the fucking foggiest idea where this beer came from, it's relationship to Matt Groening and if it has a Dry variant." Honestly, I think that someone registered the brand name "Duff Beer" in Germany (or Europe) and started producing it. I don't think it has any relationship to the Simpsons; but who the fuck cares. I'm going to go back to the beer store soon and buy the rest of their stock (like 2 cases, I think/hope).

Anyway, you came for the review, here's the review:
Painfully mediocre. But not how you think: I would expect a real Simpsons "Duff Beer" to taste kind of like Bud or Miller or Coors or something patently American and this doesn't. Since it's made in Germany they don't put rice in it, so you don't get the crisp, watery (shit) taste that rice-based beers usually bring to the table. It doesn't taste bad per se; although it has a nasty carmel/over-cooked hoppy taste to it. If I had to compare this, I would put it firmly in the generic German "beer" segment; it tastes like St. Pauli Girl or Becks (to compare it to American offerings)...actually a lot like Becks, but with that burnt hops taste omnipresent.

I'll try to get some more of this (like I mentioned) and I'll try to sneak a few back into the US next time 'round.

Anyway, I never thought I would taste Duff and it turns out I haven't. FOX/Groening will probably never officially license Duff (and I assume they'll shut down production of this stuff PDQ), just like they won't officially license "Krusty Home Pregnacy Test," but whatever; as cynical as I am, I am well-aware that, at times, I'm no better than the knuckle-draggers who watch American Idol (you fuckers came for the hate...there's a little taste).

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

2009-08-31T17:58:00.006-04:00

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive (at least until hockey starts up again), I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.
__________________________

Today's link is Stuff White People Like. It's a web site (and now a book) that reads like a user's guide to getting to know white people, and it's funny because it's pretty painfully spot-on fucking true. Here's the full list, and some sample entries:

#125: Bob Marley. During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to: “awkward,” “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.” Of these phases, there is only one that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their bachelor’s degree. It is known as “Bob Marley.”

#18 Awareness. This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges. Because, the only challenge of raising awareness is people not being aware. In a worst case scenario, if you fail someone doesn’t know about the problem. End of story.

#38 Arrested Development. Since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally . . .
If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

#109 The Onion. It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion. If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom. There are no exceptions.

Well, my Onion Atlas used to be in the bathroom but I value it so highly I moved it, lest it get warped from the humidity. So there!

However, according to the official SWPL Facebook quiz app, I'm not as white as I thought I was:

Based on a total score of 37, you are officially 54% white and a card carrying member of the Shorts Group. Firmly in the shorts group.

Maybe that's a good thing. I'm still shocked that hockey isn't on the list yet. (I'm sure it's coming soon.)

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: BLINGEE

2009-08-24T21:33:00.004-04:00

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GEEKOLOGIE

2009-08-17T16:22:00.000-04:00

Booze Detector Reveals Purity Of Your Drink (pretty useless since it only works on currently only 6 different types of drink, I might add)
I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika (has to be seen to be believed)
Fail: How Not To Use An Automatic Door (ditto)

And of course, there's always Junior hockey fight.

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GOTCHA

2009-08-10T16:11:00.006-04:00

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is from KLOV (Killer List of Videogames).
__________________________

I'm not going to lie: I love video games. This is directly attributable to me growing up at the height of the "arcade" era, when PAC-MAN fever was both a rampant social disease and a massive hit song, and just at the beginning of the "home gaming system" craze with the introduction of the Atari 2600 and Mattel Electronics IntelliVision.

What the early video games of the 1970s lacked in overall graphical presentation they made up for in creativity. (The opposite can be said for some of today's games, which look frighteningly photorealistic but can be boiled down to: "hey, let's shoot stuff and make things 'splode"). Programmers were frequently coming up with more alluring and addictive ways to entertain and delight. In their quest for quarters, not every idea was a winner.

Enter GOTCHA, the 4th game ever made by Atari Games in 1973. This simple 2 player arcade game consisted of a simple maze, where the object was for the "Pursuer" (a "square") to catch the "Pursued" (a "+" sign). Each player used an optical trackball to control their on-screen counterpart. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? However, this game created a bit of controversy when it was released.

First of all, let's start with the weird photo of a sweatered preppie stalker grabbing the woman on the waist from behind, which in the 70s constituted "consensual sex". Second of all, take a look at the mammary-shaped controls on the game itself. Apparently, several people who worked at Atari joked that typical video game joysticks looked too "phallic". In response, video game designers decided to create a "female" game that instead featured pink rubber bulges resembling breasts that were squeezed to control the action. The game was later re-fitted with standard joysticks, but needless to say neither version was well received.

Video game programmers must be a lonely bunch.

Reference: Wikipedia (Gotcha - arcade game)

THE OPEN: NOT EXACTLY THE CENTER OF THE FASHION WORLD

2009-07-17T10:53:00.017-04:00

I used to do big fuckoff extravagant previews for every major golf tournament, which would only serve to amuse me and pretty much no one else. The 138th Open Golf Championship is going on right now at the Turnberry Golf Club (Ailsa Course) in Scotland, and I felt the need to comment on it. No, not on the actual golf being played, but the hideous outfits that some players have chosen to wear.

Ian "Ministry Of Silly Pants" Poulter has not disappointed, breaking out his usual British dandy fop-inspired line of attire (which sadly, he designs himself).

REUTERS/Russell Cheyne (BRITAIN SPORT GOLF) "id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359443943192538034" />

But the real standout has been John Daly. I can't even look directly at the pants he's wearing today; it looks like someone vomited the contents of a salad bar all over him.

REUTERS/Mike Blake (BRITAIN SPORT GOLF) "id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359450195190199506" />

Man, you can't get any worse than that. Unless you consider what he wore yesterday, which makes me just as nauseous.

REUTERS/Eddie Keogh (BRITAIN SPORT GOLF) "id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359460702037800514" />

I don't know if he'll make the cut, but one thing is for certain: Mr. Daly will get pants-shitting drunk after he's done. And the beauty is that you'll never even NOTICE he shit his pants.

LOUDMOUTH GOLF PANTS has all of these hideous golf fashions and more, including a "style" (or lack thereof) they call "Disco Balls". As of today, no one has had the balls to wear these beauties.

I know what you're asking: what happened to Sergio "Los Pantelones Feos" Garcia? In every previous major he's disappointed on the course; now, he's chosen to wear disappointingly tasteful pants. He doesn't even deserve a photo on this blog. How sad.

The only thing I'm going to say about Steve "Laces Out" Marino is: Cleveland Golf makes ski caps? Who knew?

REUTERS/Phil Noble (BRITAIN SPORT GOLF) "id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359458066060193330" />

In other words, it must be single malt drinking weather in Scotland. I'll drink to that!

DON'T BE A RETARD: USE OUR PHONE SERVICE

2009-06-30T16:59:00.004-04:00

Seriously, you don't have to speak french to understand this ad.

Apparently the Down Syndrome person, Pascal Duquenne, is a known actor in France. But come on...the subtext is blatant.

MICHAEL JACKSON: CRAZY LIKE A FOX

2009-06-26T03:05:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to say much: I didn't really care about Michael Jackson in life and don't really care in death.
He did help make a good Simpsons episode though:

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

Who know how long this video will last on teh youtubes before Murdoch's hordes come along and tear it down...

BANDWAGON JUMPING 101 HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID I JUST SEE THAT?

2009-06-24T16:45:00.006-04:00

I watch Soccer (football of the European persuasion) from time to time. I watch big matches. When I get free tickets, I go see the Bordeaux team (CHAMPIONS OF FRANCE!).

I watched maybe 20 minutes of the USA's match against Brazil in the group matches. I saw a team that was confused beyond belief and watched Brazil score 2 goals (of their eventual 3-0 pasting of the US).

I read (but did not see) that the US had gone through to the semi-final in the Confederation's Cup because the Egyptians were beat up by a bunch of South African Whores.

I knew the game was tonight, so why not watch them lose to Spain.

Spain: Reigning European Champions.
Spain: The #1 ranked team in the world
Spain: The team that hasn't lost in 35 straight games.
Spain: A disaster waiting to happen.

I was out and picked up at 48 minutes, with the US leading 1-0. The Spaniards were pressing. It's just a matter of time before they put one, then two in the back of Tim Howard's net. It was fun while it lasted.

74th minute: Whoa, what's this, the US is attacking. Oh fuck, bad pass in front of the net. Sergio Ramos, controls...Sergio Ramos gets made the biggest ass in sports today. BOOM! Clint Dempsey fucks up Spain with a icing goal.

What? We have to play 15 more minutes...Ugh.

Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.
[1 minute later] Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.

What the fuck is going on?

86th minute: Spanish control in front...Bradley steps out...tackles...Ugh...ok, free kick. Oh shit, he's going for his card...Ok, yellow card. Whatev...WHAT THE FUCK. RED CARD? FOR THAT? FUCK YOU! Seriously, that was the weakest red card I've ever seen.

But...The US has confidence now, brought on by a 2-0 lead...Killing time and (finally) 90+3 minutes. FUCK YOU SPAIN.

Now the US will get to lose to the Brazilians again...or not...yeah, they'll lose.

Holy fucking shit.

(UPDATE: This song should sum it up)

THIS BLOG'S (INTER)NET WORTH

2009-06-19T14:44:00.004-04:00

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

I think this blog is worthless, but Technorati disagrees to the tune of $2,822.70. You may pay me in alcohol.

STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

2009-06-19T06:29:00.006-04:00

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.

'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

BOOOOOOOOO!

2009-06-19T00:01:00.004-04:00

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).

No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.

Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:

Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":

Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .

. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.

Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

CONGRATULATIONS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS

2009-06-13T11:11:00.002-04:00

What can you say? The Penguins did it, and in dramatic fashion: they forced a Game 7 and won it on the road (first team since the 1971 Canadiens to do that) to claim the Cup. The final was a hard fought, close match-up, with no little controversy or nonsense, and the clinching game was a one goal thriller. That's all you can ask for as a hockey fan.

As for Sidney Crosby, I am genuinely happy for him, and you can count me as one of the hockey fans who will always root for him. He showed great leadership in this postseason, and let's not forget, he's only 21. Good lord. What the hell was I doing in my 21st summer? Taking a crappy ecology course at Rutgers so I could graduate college on time, and hoisting a lot of pints of Guinness. Meanwhile, this Kid is hoisting the ultimate hardware above his head.

In the end, this team didn't even need him (due to an injury in the 2nd, he only skated one shift in the 3rd), as the defense was rock solid, Mad Max Talbot scored two opportunistic goals and Flower didn't wilt under the pressure, even tallying a nice save against Lidstrom in the final second.

Evgeni Malkin earned the Conn Smythe by doing everything you could ask for in the playoffs (14 G, 22 A, 36 points in 24 games). Wait a second, who is his little Russian friend there with the polka-dotted bra? And honestly, who wears a Winnipeg Jets sweater to a Detroit game?

But hockey is, and always will be, a true team sport. In the end, this Penguins squad overcame 2-0 and 3-2 deficits to win it all without Sid or Geno scoring a goal in the last 3 games. That says a lot right there.

Oh, one other thing: SUCK IT MARIANNE!

The look on his face as the Penguins celebrate a goal is priceless. You can almost hear him saying, like GOB on Arrested Development, "I've made a huge mistake." Obviously, the Stanley Cup favorite next year is whomever he's playing against.

Additionally, not even NBCFUCKINGSPORTS could foul this up, and even let a few f-bombs drop onto their live broadcast during the celebration (yeah, I think they should know by now to keep the boom mikes at a safe distance). Honorable mention goes to my DVR, which allowed me to completely breeze by their intermission shows.

And in spite of the fact that the NHL runs the sport, we saw some great hockey this year. In closing, you have to love this Pens fan's sign: "HOSSA, THE ONLY CUP YOU'LL TOUCH IS ZETTERBERG'S".

CONGRATULATIONS, SIDSBURGH!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH

2009-06-11T14:51:00.006-04:00

Leave it to the Japanese to combine "English language lessons with gymnastic exercise programs". Below are two videos that were made in 1992 by someone or something called Zuiikin' English, probably directed by the same person who made the Mr. Sparkle commercials.

I don't think I'll ever understand the Japanese.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL - "LOVE AND SAUSAGES" (1993) AND "SARCASTIC GUY" (1989)

2009-05-26T12:23:00.010-04:00

I was shopping in Trader Joe's yesterday, and they have an astonishing array of sausages: pork sausages, beef sausages, turkey sausages, spicy jalapeno chicken sausages, apple chicken sausages, Italian sausages, andouilles, kielbasas, brats--it was mind-numbing, and I stood there for nearly 10 minutes trying to make a decision.

Naturally, I thought of this surreal sketch from Kids In The Hall (which was a genuine WTF moment when I first saw it), entitled "Love And Sausages". I almost did my best approximation of Scott Thompson's "sausages!" wail in the store, too.

It's 7 minutes long, though it seemed longer at the time; I don't think you could come up with a more off-putting sketch to close a show. SAUSAGES!

Okay, if you want an actual "funny" skit, look no further than this skit featuring Dave Foley as "Sarcastic Guy".

WRIST SHOTS: LOVE SIDNEY, HATE HATERS

2009-05-23T13:08:00.001-04:00

Hi there, fans of the internets!

Yeah, I realize that I haven't been contributing to this blog much lately, and it's for a variety of reasons. First, I find that I have nothing to say. Second, while I waste a lot of time I rarely waste it on trying to find something to blog (that award would go to NHL 09 on the PS3). Thirdly, since hockey is in the title of this blog, I feel I have to address the Devils' disastrous demise in Game 7 a few weeks ago.

I'm still shocked. And stunned. I'm shocked AND stunned, as Brent Sutter said.

Basically, I'm not ready to talk about it.

Eh, maybe I'm as ready to talk about it as I'm ever going to be. The way it happened, a swift punch to the nuts out of nowhere, ranks right up there with the most miserable losses I've had to endure, like the New York Giants losing in OT to the L.A. Rams (and Willie "Fucking Flipper" Anderson) in 1990, Carlos Beltran watching strike three in 2006 to lose Game 7 to the Cards in Shea's last postseason game, and especially Matteau's lucky-ass winning goal off of Fetisov's skate in 1994. Only the players from Winona State probably felt worse after blowing their 7 point lead in the final 45 seconds to Barton. (Yeah, that's a deep cut, but a fantastic failure.)

I even said with about 4 minutes left that I felt really uncomfortable about the tenuous 3-2 lead the Devils were holding on to for nearly the length of an entire period. Sure, I say that at the end of most Devils games (as Rob can attest) and they more often than not prevail, but this current iteration of the Devils' defense was possibly the weakest Marty's had in front of him in quite some time. As it turned out, OT DID flash in front of my eyes . . . but I never would have predicted the unfathomable last minute collapse that ended their season. In the end, Marty had no one to blame but Marty. Epic fucking fail, indeed.

Of course, the shitdick Rangers fans cheering at the other end of the bar certainly didn't help. After hearing cheering upon the game tying Jokinen goal, I basically shouted across the room, "Hey, I was actually rooting for your Rangers to win!" This way, the two teams might play each other in the Eastern finals! Because more local teams in the playoffs = more gooder. You couldn't really blame them for their glee, after they witnessed Henrik and the Blueshirts' lackluster season snuffed out a mere half hour earlier in their own shitty Game 7, after having a 3 games to 1 lead on the Komrades. But really, suck it and suck it hard, jackass haters.

(And no, it doesn't make me feel better that Zach Parise is on the Sporting News All-NHL All-Star Team, and Crosby isn't.)

_________________________________________________

As for the actual living, breathing NHL playoff teams, we're down to the FINAL FOUR. Yeah, it looks like we might get Wings vs. Pens again, but I'm secretly rooting for the Chicago Blackhawks (I guess it's no longer a secret). If they somehow figure out how to beat the Wings, I hope they take the Cup for the first time since 1961, leaving only the Cubs as the only remaining fantastic failure in all of Chicago sports.

Other thoughts:

* MAKLIN's first playoff hat trick was something to see. Like OVIE! he seems to have the ability to WILL the puck into the goal at times. But the sick impossible angle backhand (@ 1:25) that launched a thousand hats in the Pens' 7-4 Game 2 win was a thing of beauty:

Of course, shortly thereafter they cut to Malkin's parents celebrating in the stands--good god no, we don't need to see them up on KISS CAM in the Igloo! But OMG MALKIN looks JUST like his mom! So is he showing off for his mommy and daddy? Possibly. If so, I think the Penguins have to give them a Golden Ticket that allows them to attend any Penguins game at home or on the road.

* Why doesn't NBC Sports want to cover the Sidsburgh/Caniac series? It's easy to say it's because they suck a bag of dicks (so much so that perennial NFL windbag John Madden decided to retire). But I think there's another reason: they're so cheap that they don't want to move all of their equipment to Carolina just for one (or two, if necessary) weeken games. Instead, they can focus all of their sucking along the 285 miles of highway between Chicago and Detroit.

(Also, I think Doc Emrick hates going to Carolina. I don't know if this is true, but he made a comment during the pitiful Marty-enraging Game 4 loss about the fans notorious loudness being possibly alcohol-fueled. During the postgame show he was uncharacteristically somber, looking like he wanted to smack any random redneck Canes fan that crossed his path. Just sayin'.)

* I'll just say one thing about the whole SID vs. OVIE! debate: I'd kill to have either one on my team, but Sid has really stepped up and quieted the naysayers. Of course, I'm not among them; I've always liked The Kid, but he's proven this postseason to be The Man. The only negative thing I'll say about OVIE! (that you don't find with Sid) is that when he's not scoring, he gets frustrated and runs guys from behind and/or long after the puck is gone, but he gets away with a lot because he's so talented. But really, if you're starting a team and take one of them, I'll take whichever one is left. They're both incredible hockey players.

* Regarding Kronwall's ugly looking hit against Havlat in the Hawks Game 3 win last night: it was completely clean. Unfortunately, Havlat got caught with his head down trying to corral the puck. Let's put it this way: it's nothing worse than Scott Stevens has done in the playoffs Still, somehow Kronwall got a game misconduct and 5 minute major for . . . interference? How is it interference if a guy with the puck is cleanly checked? That's the weakest chickenshit call I've seen yet in the playoffs. If it's 4 minutes for roughing I'm okay with that, but that was pathetic because it doesn't even look like a penalty to me.

_________________________________________________

* Though I don't actively root against any teams (okay, except maybe the ones located in Philly), I have to admit I was giddy when the Bruins were handed their golf bags by the Hurricanes in OT in Game 7 (and his precious Celtics followed suit shortly thereafter). I'll say it again: Boston sports fans root for two things: the Red Sawks, and any other local team who happens to be winning at the time. No one else sums up this town's fairweather fandom like ESPN überdouche Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons. He twatted that he was pissed that he had to pay $75 for NHL Center Ice just to watch the Bruins play in Game 7 from his SoCal mansion. You might recall that he's the guy who wrote that the NHL was DEAD TO HIM during the rough patch while the Bruins were missing the playoffs. He even devoted a whole snarky column making fun of the NHL during their 2007 draft, and signed off with the following declaration:

As for the rest of the NHL, I'll see you in 12 months for the 2008 draft. And not a second before.

Well, guess what? He was back last April (less than 10 months later!) because the Bruins were back in the playoffs, and now he's got the stones to complain about paying to see the Bruins lose Game 7. What a lying, douchetastic Masshole bandwagon fan. And the foul fandom that calls itself "Red Sox Nation" (ugh) deserves nothing less than this twunt as their self-nominated president. I hope this latest turn of events turns him off the NHL, because we don't need him watching or commenting on hockey.
_________________________________________________

So I don't know if anyone is watching but it's been a fantastic Cup playoffs so far. And while I'm jinxing teams, allow me to say . . . LET'S GO HAWKS!

DRINKY DRINKY: ELLEZELLOISE HERCULE STOUT

2009-05-18T13:40:00.005-04:00

I have this funny feeling that the meeting between the CEO of Ellezelloise and the brewmaster went something like this:

CEO: "What's the best known stout in the world"
BM: "Guinness, for sure"
CEO: "Ok, use Guinness as a reference and make something twice as good"
BM: "umm..."

The brewmaster, knowing this task impossible, said to himself, 'what the fuck? I'll make it twice as bubbly...and twice as strong; then go drink some real Guinness."

And bam! Hercule stout rings in at 9% ABV and all kinds of bubbly. I didn't even know that in Belgium they knew how to make stouts, but lo-and-behold, they do.

I actually thought of the previous conversation after taking the first sip...It didn't go too well. Too many bubbles. and too much molasses. But having drank a good part of the 33cl bottle, I'm liking the taste a little more. It's still too sour for my taste, but the bubbles aren't as offensive. And I'll be damned if the 9% ABV isn't rushing to my head.

This beer is ruined by the too-high alcohol content. If it was 7%, it would be easier to take.

All this may be for naught, because as I have previously mentioned (I'm sure I have, but I'm not going to go look for the link), I'm not a stout drinker. I prefer my beers blond, not black...and no, I won't continue that sentence. I just checked on Ratebeer and they fucking love this stuff (98th percentile for Imperial Stouts).

Don't listen to me. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Final word: Too strong, too sour. Other than that - Awesome fucking beer. And you can quote that.

Final Final Word: this is a beer to drink in a beer bar (Ginger Man anyone?), with friends. It's not a beer to drink at 7:30 pm on a Monday (and even less so for 7:30am on Monday!) It's too complex to be appreciated when you just want something to wash away your case of the mondays.

DEAR JOHN STEWART, DEAR STEPHEN COLBERT,

2009-04-30T07:20:00.005-04:00

FUCK YOU, YOU ASS JOCKEYS.

For the record I realize this is probably not their, personal decision, but it doesn't matter. I can blame whomever I want.

Bittorrent, here I come.

EPIC FUCKING FAIL

2009-04-29T05:06:00.001-04:00

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

2009-04-28T04:48:00.008-04:00

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

2009-04-24T14:24:00.005-04:00

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

WRIST SHOTS: CUP CRAZINESS

2009-04-15T19:09:00.015-04:00

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! I used to post a big ridiculous preview extravaganza, but that grew tiresome. Instead, let's take a look at the local matchups, and make a few quick picks.

Devils (3) vs. Hurricanes (6). What a strange season it was for the Devils. It was supposed to be a year-long Marty Party, as the team celebrated his setting career records for wins and shutouts and cemented his legacy as one of the best goalie ever. Instead, he got injured early on and merely bookended the season in goal, looking vulnerable for the first time in his career. The team was deep enough to rally with Clemmensen replacing him, but seemed to relax too much on defense once he returned. I have no doubt this team can focus for the playoffs, play tight D and score goals with their Zach-aided Attack, but how deep can they go? As always, it's on Brodeur. Regardless, I like their chances in this series. Devils in 6.

Rangers (7) vs. Capitals (2). If you thought the Devs had a weird season, the Rangers' season may have been weirder. The Blueshirts blasted out of the box, winning their first 10 of 13 games. Then, just as suddenly the goals dried up, the defense looked like a sieve, and the team played dull, unmotivated hockey games that mostly ended in shootouts, and before long Renney the Robot was shown the door. John "Asshat" Tortorella semi-righted the ship, and while Drury and Gomez thrive in this scenario, and Gavery's douchebaggishness can't be counted out, Lundqvist will have to play perfect between the pipes for them to win. The scary thing is, he can. I have to be honest: besides the irrepressible OVIE! and Mike Green, I don't particularly like this Caps team very much, and I certainly don't see them being carried by Theodore. Rangers in 7.

My Blognostications. From the beginning of the season, I got 6/8 of the playoff teams correct in each of the two conferences (my incorrect picks being Buffalo, Ottawa, Minnesota and Edmonton). I deserve some sort of medal for that, right? Okay, I blew it by not picking Boston, but getting St. Louis has to count for something. Oh, and thanks again, Sabres, for letting me down once again.

Battle of the Keystone State. I have to say that although it's not the fashionable thing to do, I'm rooting hard for Sid and the Pens, who got hot at just the right time (and MAF picked up his game as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team--no, it had nothing to do with the coaching change). I want them to crush the phucking Philthy Lyers.

Teams That Piss Me Off And I Just Wish Would Go Away. Along with Philthy Lyers, the Ducks and the Predators just annoy me.

Welcome To The Big Ice Dance. Columbus, glad you could make it. Congratulations on your first playoff berth. Your reward? The Detroit Fucking Red Wings. Ugh, this will be ugly. Whichever Mason they have is going to have to stand on his head to get out of the 1st round.

The Team Least Built For The Playoffs. Normally, this is where I shit in the Sharks' tank, but I think they will fare much better this season. Meanwhile, the Bruins cruised through the regular season with a surprise goalie tandem, finesse scorers, and very little toughness or defensive defensemen (except for Chara)--all things that just don't add up to postseason success. I think this is where the road ends. But hey, Beantown will always have BU's NCAA championship to hang their helmets on.

Canadian Team Most Likely To Succeed. Much to Gary "Fucking" Bettman's dismay, 50% of the teams from the Great White North are in the second season. Out of the 3, I have to say Calgary will go the furthest, as I'm just not impressed with Montreal (mainly due to Jesus Price's shoddy tending), or Vancouver (and their lack of scoring).

Surprise Team That Could Make The West Finals. The Blackhawks. I just like their young talent, and their young talented female ice girls.

Congratulations to the Islanders, for getting the #1 pick in the NHL Draft. All of that intense sucking finally paid off!

In closing . . .

OHBFHL CHAMPS! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but then what the hell is the point of a blog if I can't do that? Let's just say that my KISS OF DEATH team won the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy Hockey League (OHBFHL) after a tense CHAMPIONSHIP FORTNIGHT battle with Kris' NO HOMERS squadron. It reminded me why I simultaneously love and hate fantasy leagues, and how they can be equal parts fun and frustrating: getting the other managers to give a shit, picking up players who suffer season-crippling injuries (which was my forte), choosing to go with a goalie right as he's about to shit the crease -- it's all part of the game. All I know is that I earned that bottle of single malt I'm going to receive soon.

DRINKY DRINKY: BELHAVEN TWISTED THISTLE IPA

2009-04-13T12:10:00.003-04:00

Man, this is a good beer. That pint had no chance whatsoever.

I went to the beer store the other day to return my empties and they had a "Scottish" display. "Why not," I said. Despite the fact that it was like 2€80 for a pint bottle (whereas the Germans cost like 1€50-1€90). I cracked it open today and it's not like most of the IPAs I have had. It's much sweeter. You still get the crazy hopiness, but there's a nice sweet side to it. I wouldn't want to have more than 1 or 2 of these in a row because I'm sure that the hangover is probably wicked bad, but one beer on a relatively nice Monday afternoon (it is a holiday, before you fuckers get all judgemental) is pretty good.

I don't know if there's any thistle in it...The bottle doesn't have a lot of information regarding the inclusion of thistle and/or dog, but whatever.

This beer gets 8.5 thumbs up from the Open Hockey Official Team of Beer Reviewers (OHTBR).

If you find it, drink it; although according to the boffins at Rate Beer the US-version is different (dumbed-down for American tastes?)

GLORIOUS HOCKEY-RELATED HD

2009-04-04T07:54:00.005-04:00

I was just seventeen, when I made the AHL
I couldn't skate in junior, but my fists rang like a bell.
I'll never win a title, and I'll never win the cup,
But when it comes to ladies, I've had the best of luck.

I've been enjoying my HD for the last 2 weeks now. I have three of the main French TV stations in HD, but I'm 90% sure that they do not have one program in HD - it's just upscaled (why's that not surprising - the French have to be dead last for Western countries in digital advancement) - and for some fucked up reason the American sitcoms that they show do not have the English-language track available in HD (but in SD it's available)...that makes a shitload of sense.

Anyway, in my 2 month teaser programming I have a couple of HD channels: National Geographic HD, MTV HD, a cool channel called Ushuaia HD (lot's of awesome nature programs in HD - you haven't seen monkeys fucking until you've seen it in native-HD), and a channel called I-Concerts HD. For a week or so I didn't give it much of a look because every time I turned it on they had the same Bon Jovi concert from 1993. But then the other night they were showing Dire Straits On The Night. While I doubt this was filmed in HD (did such a thing exist in the early 90s?), it was still cool to see an entire concert. Then they had John Fogerty - who has officially joined the Roger-Waters-Roger-Daltery-can't-sing-after-60-club. Then this morning they had Elvis Costello and I just kind of left it running and a band called Great Big Sea came on. I'd heard of them somehow-or-other, but never really paid attention to them. They're alright - kind of traditional Irish/English music mixed with normal rock...I was giving it half a listen when the above lyrics came on.

Since I haven't posted in a while, I figure, why not post a hockey-related HD story (without the actual "HD hockey" of course).

It's not all dandy though. Aside from the aforementioned Jersefication of the airwaves, they are now showing Jamiroquai - whom I have never liked.

JON STEWART TEARS JIM CRAMER A NEW CASHHOLE

2009-03-14T11:32:00.005-04:00

I had to post this because it's fantastic. Jon Stewart tore the buffoonish host of CNBC's "Mad Money", Jim Cramer, a new cashhole the other night.

March 12, 2009: Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 3

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

"I realize that you want to make finance entertaining. But it's not a fucking game."

Well done, Jon.

EMMYLOU HARRIS

2009-03-09T19:02:00.002-04:00

Have I ever mentioned that she's one of my favorite female singers?

Yeah, it's some shit live recording, but I don't care - she has an amazing voice.

'Course Mark Knopfler is one of my favorite guitarists, so yeah it was like Music Christmas when they got together...

Hooray for synthesizers

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS ICE CREW

2009-03-01T20:33:00.005-05:00

I'm rooting for a big snowstorm so I can hire the Chicago Blackhawks Ice Crew to do some shoveling for me.

Here's a shot of one of the poor girls having to clean up souvenir "fire helmets" (excellent idea, promotions department) after a Toews hat trick.

WRIST SHOTS: A BUSY WEEK

2009-02-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

A lot has happened since the last semi-irregular installment of Wrist Shots, so let's get into it.

* Tom "Robot" Renney was fired as the New York Rangers coach, after losing to a terrible Toronto team in overtime, adding to the teams' recent slump. The most poignant parting video clips of him were when the Rangers tied the game with 25 seconds left, and then lost in OT: HE DIDN'T REACT AT ALL. Not a fist pump, not a grimace, not a sigh: NOTHING. Now, I know it's not necessary to show emotions to succeed as a coach (see: Joe Torre and Bill Belicheat), but this guy was a complete flat line. When asked for comment after the game, Computing Operational Athlete Control Hardware (COACH) Renney streamed the following message to the media: "010011010010010011001010." I'm sorry, but that just does not compute. When a team is reeling as badly as this one is, you have to hold someone accountable, or at least exhibit some sort of pulse, and the Renney 5000 did neither.

ROBOT BINARY SOLO!

John "Asshat" Tortorella was hired to replace him, and he immediately paid dividends last night: got Wade Redden to score his first goal since 2002! No, actually, they lost to the same terrible Toronto team, but they made it all the way to the goal-off shootout this time, so they're much improved. (Hey, Torts can't score goals for them . . . or can he?) It remains to be seen if the players decide they want to play for their new coach; regardless, I'll be DVRing all of the press conferences hoping to catch a random expletive. If the Rangers fail to make the playoffs, next up on the chopping block: Glen Sather. I heard a comment on XM the other day that he's starting to make Isiah Thomas' tenure at MSG look competent by comparison. Ouch.

* Meanwhile, somewhere in western New York/southern Ontario last Saturday, Sabres goalie Ryan "Genuine Draft" Miller sprained his ankle on an unfortunate, but not intentional, collision behind the net with Gomez. If he's hurt for an extended length of time, there go the Sabres' playoff chances. (Though even a limping Miller with one arm could probably outduel Fleury at this point.) While backup Patrick Lalime is a known entity (as in: we know he's medicore at best), who the hell is Jhonas Enroth? Is he one of the Jhonas Brothers? The one Miley Cyrus let get to 2nd base? Whoever he is, he's apparently not as good as a flu-laden Lalime. Not a good sign.

* In happy news for Devils fans (e.g. me), Martin Brodeur is back. His rehabbed arm will be tested tonight against the Avs, and I will be there in The Rock to witness it. He claims to be "in the best shape of his life", and in fact switched from bacon double cheeseburgers to bacon double turkey burgers. (I keed, I keed, because I love.) At this point, with 22 games left and a respectable playoff spot well within reach, I just want him to play well. I'm not asking for him to be shutout-brickwall-Vezina Marty . . . at least until the playoffs. Even though he had to be sent down to the minors as a result of taking Brodeur off IR, let's never forget Scott Clemmenson. His name is Scott Clemmenson.

His name is Scott Clemmenson!

(BTW, I did the math, and it would be cheaper to drive to Newark and park for $20 than to take the train--which is annoying since I'd PREFER to take the train. If they really wanted to give us an incentive to take mass transit, I should get a discount on the train just for showing my hockey ticket. But alas.)

LET'S GO MARTY! LET'S GO DEVILS!

(LET'S HOPE MY CAR IS STILL THERE AFTER THE GAME!)

We don't do a "Saves of the Year" here, but maybe we should. This stick save by Kiprusoff, stopping a sure Kyle Wellwood goal en route to a 4-3 goal-off Canucks win, is just amazing.

FRENCH HOCKEY & OVIE v SID

2009-02-26T03:53:00.008-05:00

I started writing a big long piece on Sidney vs. Ovechkin, then I realized I don't care that much. Sidney does whine. Sidney has been known to dive. Sidney plays his game like it's a job that he doesn't enjoy very much.

Ovechkin is a caveman. He is arrogant but he plays like a kid at recess. And holy fucking shit, he has some sweet moves.

If you're not a Sidsburgh fan, it's hard to argue with Ovie's enthusiasm. I am not a fan of either team, but I find the Pittsburgh fans nearly as insufferable as the Boston fans. The Washington O.V. fans grate on me less so. Excepting the Pittsburgh fans, I think it's fairly given that Ovie is probably the most complete player in the league right now...Malkin is great, Sid is very good, but OV is the face of a very good Caps team and he can do it all.

On a somewhat lower level, I went to see French Division I hockey over the weekend. The Bordeaux ("The Boxers" - like the dog) team is currently 3rd in the league. They played the Jokers from Cergy; and I'll tell you, the Joke was on Cergy's goalie. The skill-level was probably equivalent to my college's hockey team (NCAA D3), but the goaltending - not some much. These guys (esp. the goalie from Cergy) probably couldn't play in a lot of Canadian beer leagues.

Needless to say, I used to be on the fence about ads on jerseys - yep, that's over. It is fucking hideous. No NO NO. Bettman, you do that and I will condone a sniper dropping your sorry ass. The Bordeaux team has so many ads, that 1) You can't see anything on the front, it's just this overload of graphics and 2) The players name is on his ass because there's no room up top. FUCK THAT!

The rink here has no side glass. I was a little afraid of that when we first arrived, because we were in the second row...But it turns out that the guys don't shoot that hard, so the puck never got up into the stands - still weird to only have glass behind the nets.

I haven't seen college or non-NHL level hockey in a long time, so it's tough to get re-accustomed the reduced speed, but it's still fun. No-touch icing is kind crappy. The refs handed out 5 minute fighting majors for simple gloves-in-the-face. The guys don't really check much and there were no open-ice hits. But overall, it's still hockey and there were 10 goals in 60 minutes (7-3 for Bordeaux).

I tried to take a few pictures with my new DSLR, but being this is the first SLR I've ever owned and I never was very good with the whole ISO/Apeture/Focal Length what have you, the pics weren't great. I've put up a few of the better ones.

GINGER MAN: TWO GREAT BREWS

2009-02-24T15:15:00.004-05:00

If you've never heard me blather on about Ginger Man before, all you need to know is that they focus on beer and get it right, featuring 70 taps and hundreds of top notch beers on their menu. During our Jeffuary visit, we were once again we were greeted by bartender Kate The Adequate (if you can call her emotionless inquiries a "greeting") who served us up some fantastic beers. (Quick question: when someone says they are involved in "various artistic endeavors, let's just keep it at that", doesn't that mean they're stripping on the side?)

Dogfish Head Red & White. I'll say one thing about Delaware's Dogfish Head Brewery: though their brews can be hit or miss, even when they miss at least they're throwing it out there. However, they definitely have a hit on their hands with Red & White, a white ale aged in red wine barrels. It's smooth and full bodied with carbonation like a fine champagne, with a fruity, wine taste at the finish. Definitely the tastiest and most complex DFH beer I've ever had (and hard to believe it's 10% ABV).

Brooklyn Black Ops. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Brooklyn brewmaster Garrett Oliver is my hero. I'm going to have to meet him just to say "thank you for getting it", and flying in the face of the macrobrews of the world and succeeding. As for the Black Ops, as the label exclaims, this beer does not exist. If it did, it would be a bourbon-y, chocolatey, fantastic brew like . . . I imagine this one might be. And at 10.7% ABV it (allegedly) packed a wallop, sending us walking out into the brisk winter night.

(Little did we know, the walk from Ginger Man to Lansdowne Road was 1.2 miles across town. We won't make that mistake again. Unless there's a REALLY good hockey game on.)

Speaking of Garrett Oliver, this is a great video:

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"You show up in your average decent restaurant, and you get a beer list that looks like it came from a gas station."

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: BEST OSCAR SPEECH EVER?

2009-02-23T21:25:00.005-05:00

Last night, animator Kunio Kato won the Oscar for Best Animated Short "La Maison En Petites Cubes" last night. Never mind that a Japanese guy drew a French cartoon; he got extra points for making this hilarious speech:

I didn't think it could get better than, "Sank you all my stuff", but that was a great closer.

WRIST SHOTS: NEW YORK NEW YORK (AND NEW JERSEY)

2009-02-21T13:07:00.012-05:00

This is it.

The Battle Of New York. The Clash Of The Inconsistent. We'll see what these two teams are made of tonight, if the Rangers can right the ship, if the Sabres can play their own game and cling to a playoff spot, and other cliches along those lines. For the first time all season, they could tie each other in the standings (BUF would be lower with one extra loss, but the same point total). I think this will be a good game, which could only be better if they played it on Lake Erie. I'm not sure why this rivalry doesn't get more press coverage, after these two teams played an inspired playoff series in the first season after the lockout. They could meet again in the first round of the playoffs this season, and I'd be all for that.

Adding to my fantasy league KISS OF DEATH roster: Manek Vanek broke his jaw, which has nothing to do with his skating/shooting ability, yet he's going to be out 2 months? Vanek is a sissy Eurobitch twunt.

Pop quiz, asshole: which duo has more goals this season?
1) Sid/MAKLIN, 2) Elias/Parise, 3) Marianne/Zoiderberg

If you said, 1 or 3, you're wrong! Zach "Attack" Parise and Patrik Elias (58 combined goals, vs. 47 and 55 for 1 and 3 above) have been astonishingly consistent this season, and are a big part of why the Devils are playing so well as of late. They're also 7th in the league in scoring, a stat you can use to shut up those idiots who insist they play a "boring brand of hockey". I honestly thought without Brodeur they'd struggle, but I forgot about how deep this team is (thanks, Sweet Lou Lamoriello!). Once they began to gel defensively, they took off. Beating Boston and San Jose in one week was a highlight, and although they predictably have played slugglishly against the two Floridian teams so far this week, I like their chances with Marty coming back in a month and not having to be pressured into winning right away. (Having said this, they will probably struggle tonight on Strong Island.)

One other note about Boston sports fans: before the Bruins resurgence the past two seasons, they were all but ignored by fans and the media alike for about a decade. Now, there's suddenly this GO BRUINS! bullshit everywhere you look. I hate to say it (no, actually I love to say it), but Boston fans are such frontrunners. Basically, they're all Red Sox fans who pretend to be huge fans of the other local teams only when they're succeeding. Eat it, Beantown!

Regardless, I'm going to Ginger Man this afternoon for the continuing Jeffuary celebrations (more to come). Afterwards I'll be visiting Lansdowne Road for the post-Ginger show, which would be the first bar I've ever been to that has the NHL Center Ice package. I can't believe there isn't an excellent hockey-centric bar in Manhattan or any of the boroughs; that's about the only thing the city lacks. I think it's time to open a bar appropriately named TOP SHELF.

In closing, the young hockey player from Mystery, Alaska who gets knocked out during practice and declares upon, er, "coming-to", "I'm a premature ejaculator!" -- he looks exactly like Sidney Crosby. Methinks they have a lot in common besides hockey.

GOALS OF THE YEAR: OVIE!!!!!!!1 (AGAIN) (2/18/2009)

2009-02-18T23:30:00.005-05:00

I don't even know what to say any more, because this guy is ridiculous.

Yes, it's OVIE! scoring his Earth-leading 42nd goal vs. Jesus Price and the Habs on Jeffuary 18, 2009, which just might be the Goal of the Year.

He makes a great backhand pass off the boards to himself while spinning around to start the breakaway, and after being pulled down as he skates towards the crease, while sliding on his right side he somehow guides it in. "Unstoppable!" Indeed.

Okay, that's it, I'm dusting off my skates and playing some hockey again. (I'm not saying that I'd even be able to skate at all, but watching this guy makes me want to try.)

SABRETOOTH MAKES THE JERSEY DEVIL HIS BITCH (NOW IN HANDY TRADING CARD FORMAT)

2009-02-13T12:54:00.005-05:00

Puck Daddy over on Yahoo! Hockey! is running a Create-a-Card Contest. I had on and off thought of submitting something, but couldn't come up with anything of interest. Then in a moment of procrastinating mindlessness (some Talisker may have helped matters), I realized I had the perfect solution. My infamous Sabretooth kicking the shit out of the Jersey Devil would look great as a trading card. A few shameless jpeg grabs off the interwebs later, history was made.

Any card manufacturers out there should contact the OH staff through the comments section. I'm not sure how this works, but I'm sure we could come up with a fair solution for all parties involved. Free hockey tickets (NY Metro, Buffalo and anywhere in Europe (no KHL) will be fine) and alcohol (nothing less than single malts and/or small batch bourbon) would go a long way to securing the rights.

We await your proposals.

GOALS OF THE YEAR: RICHARD ZEDNIK (2/5/2009)

2009-02-10T11:05:00.008-05:00

This one is just ridiculous. Richard Zednik vs. the Islanders on Jeffuary 5th, 2009.

That's unreal. The amount of skill, athleticism and concentration that went into scoring that goal is simply off the charts.

Rob pointed out that during "power skating" classes that we both took, part of the drill required you to "jump over the blue line". Well, it might sound easy but it was nearly impossible to do, so I can't imagine jumping over a sliding defenseman (even if it is an Islander defenseman, and one who happened to be crowned the worst player of the year at the All-Star break).

GOALS OF THE YEAR: DREW STAFFORD (2/4/2009)

2009-02-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

Here's a nifty dangle followed by a through-the-legs move by Sabres winger Drew Stafford vs. Toronto's Mike Van Ryn to score against goaltender Justin Pogge, on Jeffuary 4, 2009.

It seems like an inordinate amount of highlight reels come at the expense of the Maple Leaves defense, so we can all thank god they're awful.

THIS JUST IN: HULU IS AWESOME!

2009-02-03T19:15:00.005-05:00

HULU is AWESOME.

"GOB's program" cracks me up every time.

Any web site that has full episodes of "The Simpsons", "Arrested Development", "Colbert Report" and "Fantasy Island", and full length movies like Slacker and the original The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, all whilst simultaneously flipping off the French is okay by me!

DEAR ASSHOLES...

2009-02-03T09:39:00.004-05:00

This is an open letter to anyone who may be looking to imbed a video. Don't use Hulu. Those fucking pricks don't allow me to watch the video because "My region is not supported."

Especially a video for a superbowl ad or something. That stuff can be found on the Youtubes.

I'm assuming that Hulu offers to fellate you (or something...) if you imbed their videos, but they can fellate me because I am unable to watch them.

In summary: Youtube = acceptable. Hulu = Fuck off.

Thank you for your attention.

HAPPY JEFFUARY (2009 EDITION)!

2009-02-02T21:19:00.005-05:00

JEFFUARY is upon us once again! Though it will still be all about me for the next 28 days, it's going to be hard to top 2008 when the Giants became SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS in the GREATEST SUPER BOWL EVER. (Quick notes about this year's game: no, it wasn't a great game until the thrilling 4th quarter, which ended with a questionable TD call and miserable non-replayed finish.)

So what's in store for this JEFFUARY? I'm glad you asked! I've already bought myself a new watch (a rather large Invicta that you could kill a small rodent with) and went skiing (my thighs are burning right now). On the list for the rest of the month: dinner at Wasabi or Lanterna (or both!), a beer night at Ginger Man, watching hockey (and possibly attending a game), drinking, skating, watching golf, getting a massage, drinking, eating chocolate, playing with my PS3, drinking, picking up new golf shoes (for my upcoming March trip to Florida), watching LOST, and much much more. And as you might have noticed, there will be drinking. And though it's only flurrying right now, I've got my fingers crossed that there will be a major blizzard in the next 4 weeks.

But the latest and greatest JEFFUARY news is that I will be getting an HD DVR tomorrow. (Because let's face it, I'm not lazy enough and don't watch enough TV.) I thought about getting a TiVo HD, but it's just not cost-effective (between the cost of the box, the monthly fees for the subscription and CableCards, plus the cable company makes you pay for installation). Besides, I've played around with this box at my sister's house and it's sufficient for what I want it for, to record shows while I'm busy drinking. And at only $10 a month it's the best choice.

If there are any other gifts that you feel I might appreciate, or drinks you wish to buy me, do not hesitate to send them my way.

HAPPY JEFFUARY EVERYBODY!

UPDATE: On a related note, Jeffuary 11th will be set aside for KRISUARY this year, so mark your calendars. This holiday can be celebrated the same way you would any other day in Jeffuary: by drinking.
Enjoy!

WRIST SHOTS: THE ALL-STAR BREAK

2009-01-24T14:35:00.002-05:00

(AP Photo/M. Spencer Green)"id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5294950408128545138" />It's been an interesting first half of the season, I have to admit. I've watched more hockey, and payed closer attention thanks to the fantasy league (KOD!!!!!1), than ever before. The Devils sit in first place in the Atlantic (better than I thought they'd be without Marty), the Sabres are in 7th in the East (worse than I thought, with all their young talent), and the Rangers are showing signs of weakness. I think it will be an interesting stretch run for the rest of the season.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I just wanted to make a few comments about the Winter Classic.

THE GOOD.
Having the game at Wrigley Field featuring two Original Six teams: that's what the WC is all about. Despite the fact the stadium has been around for a century, there's an amazing lack of history. Really, since the 1908 World Series, what classic moments have occurred at the Frozen Confines? Not many. Sure, Ernie Banks hit his 500th, and the Bears won something or another. But you can't count things like "The First Night Game" as "history"; the team was simply too cheap to install lights before then.

(Just wondering: where did the snow come from? From the overhead views, I didn't see anything on the surrounding streets. I think they just trucked it in to make it look more wintery.)

The game was 100% Bettman free. I guess he's finally realized that he casts a pall on every event he attends, since he's been booed everywhere he goes since 1995.

THE BAD.
NBC. NBC Sports is simply the worst. First of all, Doc Emrick had laryngitis and had to bail out--strike one. Second, the rest of the crew had nothing to add except bullshit musings about the wind maybe playing a factor (it didn't). Also, the director seemed determined to never show a single faceoff on camera, and they were constantly one step behind what was happening on the ice, including this Seabrook hit:

HE CHECKED HIM INTO THE HOTEL! (Pierre, shut up with your nay-saying "dangerous" blabbering, that was a fun check that you only used to see the NHL '94 video game.)

THE UGLY. Yes, the game received good ratings, giving the NHL a serious boost in their self-esteem. But unfortunately, the league doesn't know what makes this game a classic, as evidenced by their comments about possible future games in Vegas and the Rose Bowl. They simply don't have any clue what makes this game "classic". No, it's not just because it's played in the winter, it's because it celebrates the game's long tradition as a winter sport. The NHL, meanwhile, will do anything they can to shit all over that tradition.

VIDEO TIME! Here's a great compilation of Top 10 Charity Point Goal-Off Circus Shots That Don't Really Count In The Stats (So Far).

Just one thing to say about this TSN Sportscentre (sic) video: THE GRAPHICS OBSCURE THE ACTION ON EVERY CLIP. Yeah, I know, they show multiple replays, but why does the clip description have to be in black across the middle of the screen? Put it at the top of the screen where the scoreboard already is! I don't know who to blame, so I blame ESPN.

ALL-STAR MEMORIES. This might be oft-injured (and now shelved for the season) Rick DiPietro's lasting legacy: dropping F-bombs on Versus.

"I fucked my hip up again." Eh, sit tight Fishstick Fans, he's got 12 more years to redeem himself!

ALL-STAR SNUBS. No, I'm not talking about those players who had good first halves and were not selected. Because let's face it: ASG is all about the star players you want to see, not who had a good 30-40 games this season, and I have no problem with Mike Modano being there instead of someone like David Krecji. So what if the fans in Montreal, Pittsburgh, Chicago and Anaheim stuffed the ballot box, and put Giguere and Komisarek in the lineup? That only means that they cared about this game the most, and thus they get to see their favorites.

The "snubs" I'm talking about are the players who declined to appear, like Crosby (who is allegedly hurt) and the two Red Wings, meaning that the defending Cup champs will send NO representatives at all. That's pathetic, and shows what little the players think of Bettman, the league and the fans in general.

Still, it will be fun to watch those who do show up play in a loose, defense-free environment and show off their skills for a change, even if it seems the game is quickly becoming an irrelevant novelty.

CAPTION CONTEST. According to the AP this is Gary "Bettan" gesturing during a press conference:

HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU CANADA, I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

UPDATE. OVIE in his AS duds--looking sharp.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE JANUARY EDITION

2009-01-09T14:50:00.007-05:00

It's January, so who better to paste up here than January Jones, who plays Betty Draper on the critically acclaimed/incredibly depressing TV series Mad Men. I take her to be a mature, sensible, intelligent woman, so I'm sure she doesn't HATE pants, she's just open to the possibility of not ever wearing them.

Oh wait, she dated Ashton Kutcher. FOR FOUR YEARS. Never mind, she's a total dingbat. But alas, she looks damn good when she shakes off those pants.

Wait, these pictures are the Vanity Fair outtakes? Oh that's right, their editors are most likely gay. I'm guessing the pictures that made the cut are ones of her wearing a giant poncho, baggy jeans and a ski mask.

When was January born? In May, of course. No, just kidding, she turned 31 on Monday. HAPPY JANUARY BIRTHDAY, JANUARY!

SEMIN FIGHTS LIKE A GIRL

2009-01-03T21:38:00.003-05:00

Today's lesson was learned at Brazen Fox in White Plains. Youtube video to follow.

[Update] A Youtube search of "Semin Fights like a Girl" yielded this gem of Semin fighting Marc Staal LIKE A GIRL.

He got a 5 minute major for fighting and a Gay Misconduct.

HAPPY 2009

2008-12-31T14:18:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year!

Don't drink and drive. But if you have to drive, don't drink Budweiser.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Belgians Buy Budweiser

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

GOALS OF THE YEAR: OVIE!!!!!!!1

2008-12-30T16:56:00.003-05:00

Yeah, it's Ovechkin.

Again.

This one was vs. Ryan Miller and the Sabres on 12/26/2008.

Wow. Just, wow.

This is a better quality video (OVIE's goal is at 3:39).

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: NOTRE DAME LOVES GOLDEN SHOWERS

2008-12-28T20:41:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, bowl organizers finally found someone that Notre Dame could beat, even with coach Weis sitting in the box eating wings during the entire game. However, it did bring us this great comment:

RANDOM HOLIDAY YOUTUBERY: "EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS" (1977)

2008-12-20T14:09:00.004-05:00

From Jim Henson's "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" (1977), it's the River Bottom Nightmare Band. Their particular Alice Cooper/Edgar Winter "Frankenstein"-type sound kicked Emmet's ass in the band competition, if you ask me.

Why isn't this ever on TV during the holidays? This was a classic Muppet special, but gets less attention than the Star Wars Holiday Special (1978).

This blooper reel is actually pretty funny, if you don't mind watching a toy drum being rolled across the screen 100 times over 5 minutes. (233 takes? Sweet baby Jesus, Jim Henson was a perfectionist.)

(Unrelated question: why has Vince Vaughn been relegated to making Christmas movies every year? Has he given up?)

WRIST SHOTS: IN THESE TROUBLED HOCKEY TIMES

2008-12-19T18:56:00.013-05:00

In these troubled times (Media Cliche of The Year), it seems that more has been made about the NHL's off-ice follies than the on-ice action. Of course, this leads us to the whole Sean Avery kurfuffle whose douchey comment received a ridiculous amount of attention. This was most likely due to the post-election hangover, where the media was desperate for something to talk about (see also: Plaxico Burress).

But it's beyond silly to even get worked up about someone saying "sloppy seconds" during a pre-game interview, while a dozen rabid reporters eagerly awaited his every utterance. Yes, Sean Avery is an arrogant, narcissistic, self-promoting dickslap who thinks he's smarter than he actually is, mainly because he spends a lot of time around hockey players. But Gary "Fucking" Bettman was way out of line giving him a 6 game suspension, and Stars' GM Brett Hull was gutless by washing his hands of him. This was less about "offensive" words and more about the league wanting to "protect its image", and quiet a loudmouth who thought the league does a "lousy job of marketing its players". If the league had instead read a list of his crude, boorish behavior, and his general lack of respect for the game, his teammates, and everyone around him, they might have made a better case for his exile.

Neverthless, not discussed much during this whole debacle is the fact that this happened in Canada (some say Canada, others Calgary), where they don't have "free speech" as most people know it (thanks to Rob for the link). Also not discussed: how fucking horrible those sunglasses are for someone who claims to be fashion savvy.

But the most overlooked part of the equation is Canada's own Elisha Cuthbert, one of GAvery's former "girlfriends" who was implicated in this mess. Since her acting "career" is all but non-existent, I think she should use this golden opportunity to pose for Playboy. This way, everyone wins.

THE NEW MEDIOCRITY. The NY Times Slap Shot hockey blog (who I've linked to before) broke down the playoff standings last year using an alternate scoring system (3-2-1) to illustrate how deceiving the current NHL standings are. Jeff Z. Klein wrote a great article showing how the NHL standings system makes mediocre teams look much more impressive than they really are.

Let’s examine the record of a random team, like the Rangers. The N.H.L. tells us they’re 20-11-2. Wow, that sounds good — 20 wins, 11 losses, and 2 “OTL,” which seems like ties or kind-of ties. They’re a powerhouse, and Rangers fans should be really happy!
The reality, of course, is that 9 of those 20 wins came via overtime or penalty shootout, and those 2 “ties” are actually losses in OT or PS. And, you know, in the playoffs there is no four-on-four overtime or penalty-shot contest … just hockey, with five skaters a side and no guaranteed points for being tied after 60 minutes.
So the Rangers, when playing actual hockey during the 60 minutes of five-on-five with no points guaranteed for making it to overtime, have really won 11, lost 11 and tied 11. Hey, Scott Howson, isn’t that mediocrity? Yes, it is — and anyone who’s watched the Rangers will tell you that’s a far better reflection of reality than their official record, inflated as it is by their luckiness in penalty-shot contests this year.

As it stands now they're 12-11-12, and anyone who has watched this squad (and especially their defense) knows they're not dominant world beaters. But hey, they've won enough to lead the division and that's really all that counts in the NHL, where 22 of 30 teams are somehow above .500.

SHOOT THE SHOOTOUT. I really wish they'd do away with the shootout so we wouldn't even have the aforementioned scoring system problem. I honestly lose interest in a game if it's not won in regulation or the brief overtime session, and usually just turn it off. Furthermore, some people have complained about this shootout spin-o-rama goal by Jason Blake (okay, Devils fan Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski did), but I think it's a brilliant move.

While some like Bobby Holik have said it's "bullshit" and "un-hockey" and others claim it's "illegal" (since the puck isn't moving forward at all times), I personally have no problem with it. Since the shootout is already gimmicky, I say anything that lets the players show off their creativity and skill should be encouraged. As it is now, players only seem to go with two different moves: come in wide and try to go five-hole, or come in slow and try to bury it one of the top corners. Rarely do they show off their skating and puckhandling skills. Isn't that whole purpose of this tacked-on sideshow?

GOAL OF THE YEAR? This happened way before Turkey Day (Nov 26, in a 3-1 loss versus Jesus Price and Les Disciples), but I'm just getting around to it now. At this rate I should be done with my Christmas shopping by January 15th. Anyway, check out Johan Franzen turning O'Byrne inside out (poor kid had a rough month) before netting this ridiculous backhand shot.

THE WAR ROOM. They had a little piece about the Toronto instant replay HQ during one of the MSG games a few weeks ago. I envisioned a giant high ceilinged suite with giant screens, or maybe something like the police station in the underrated Minority Report. But it wasn't even close to being anywhere near hi-tech as that; it was more akin to an air traffic control room, but more depressing. One of the things they bragged about was their 3 HDTVs that they use for replays, along with several video walls split into 4 different games. Go back and read that again: only 3 of their monitors are in full HD. And when they showed a "replay official" in action, the special TiVo-like unit that they used showed a pixilated mess that looked worse than my Cablevision HD feed. Are you kidding me? This is what the league is using to decide winners and losers. Astonishing.

I'M SICK OF THE WORD 'BAILOUT'. Despite layoffs at MLB, NFL and the arena league shutting down for a year (okay, that last one is no shocker), Gary "Fucking" Bettman claims the NHL is doing well. Is he whistling in the dark, or is the league actually financially solvent? I would be willing to bet that if this recession keeps up, a heaping handful of teams will suddenly cry poverty, perhaps shutting down the weakest teams. I have no problem with that happening. I just hope the Canadian government doesn't intervene and bail them out.

INTERESTING QUOTE: "It ended up coming to me, bouncing, and I knew that if I would just turn around and shoot it that Price is solid in there, so I had to get him off because I was in so tight. I just tried to put it between my legs and it worked out." Allegedly, Thomas "Manic" Vanek was talking about hockey. I'm not convinced.

CHITOWN CAM. This is officially cool: a webcam showing the construction of the Wrigley Field Winter Classic rink. I can hardly believe it's only 13 days away. The long range forecast for Jan 1 in Chicago calls for a high of 23, windy and colder with sleet, freezing rain and snow. Yecch, that could be a mess. The question is: will the wind be blowing out or in at the Friendly Confines? And who would win a hockey game: the 1990-91 Blackhawks or a whole team of mini-Ditkas? I just hope it goes off without a hitch . . . whoops.

Finally, Happy Birthday to Alyssa Milano, who turned 36 today. Naturally, that calls for pictures of her sporting her "touch" line of sports-related clothing (or less).

Remember the 80's? And is that a Claude Lemieux jersey she's got on?

THE CUPCAKE BITES BACK

2008-12-18T16:42:00.005-05:00

I went to go see Villanova lose horribly against Texas last week, but it was worth it just to say I saw a college basketball game at MSG for $10. Let's face it: $10 gets you shit in Manhattan, let alone a seat in the Garden, the Self-Proclaimed Most Important Arena In The World.

However, I would have paid any amount of money to see this game against Cleveland State. It may look like a typical Syracuse early season cupcake (one of 11 straight home games against the likes of Cornell, Colgate, Canisius, Coppin State and Long Beach State), an easy win to pad their win/loss record for the selection committee come March . . . but that's where you'd be wrong.

I don't know which one I enjoy more: the ridiculous buzzer beater, or Coach Boeheim's frustrating feedback fiasco during the post-game press conference.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: NORTON FURNITURE

2008-12-08T23:35:00.002-05:00

This is a real furniture commercial from the Cleveland area.

Oh good God.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: PAUL F. TOMPKINS "DRIVEN TO DRINK" (1998)

2008-12-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

Being a long time fan of HBO's classic Mr. Show (see "Landlord" sketch here), I can't believe I hadn't seen Paul F. Tompkins' 1998 special "Driven To Drink" until last night. In the next two clips from this special (which was sort of a play format) he discusses his theory about "The Sober World" vs. "The Drinking World".

In the second clip, he tells a story about drinking at his old favorite Philly local, [Dirty] Frank's.

(He's lost about 40 pounds since then, so I'm thinking he probably doesn't drink 4 pints in one 30 minute show anymore.)

Bonus mp3: "Elegant Balloons" from his 2007 album Impersonal.

COVERING CRAP WITH A BERET

2008-11-27T09:33:00.004-05:00

It's Thanksgiving in the states and for some reason this holiday is always the hardest one for me being away from the States. Julie's generally gone; in her old job she was always in the "pre-holiday" sales mode so she was away and today she's in Italy. Anyway, all that to say, the drinking will start early today in celebration of our murderous forefathers:

I was kind of wasting time on Youtube and happened onto some Richard Thompson videos. I like Richard Thompson, but imagine my surprise when I found this video.

I think it's pretty good. It's better than Dolly Parton covering "Shine" and much much much better than this.

Anyway, I may be challenging Jeff for Death Manager of the year. I picked up Khabibulin on Tuesday and in his first start he exploded his groin (or something). He did make 20-some-odd saves and only let in one goal, but I started him over game-winning-goalie Ryan Miller last night. FUCK! He better really be DTD. I don't really like the remaining goalies on the FA list. And Khabi's been playing decent hockey this year.

*OVECHKIN 21 points in his last 9 games. That's why he's the #1 pick motherfuckers. He may single-handedly win me that liter bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that Jeff put up as a prize for the OHBFHL champion, right Jeff? It's written on the interwebs so it must be true.

*Scoring an empty netter should count as a goal, but you should not be able to call it a "natural hat trick" It's a fucking gimme, damnit Maklin.

*BUFFALO SABRES on a one-game winning streak. They started 8-2-2 and they're 10-8-3 now...that's not how to play this game.

WRIST SHOTS: FANTASY KISS OF DEATH

2008-11-25T15:54:00.008-05:00

It all started with Marty going down with an injury for the first time in a billion career games. Then, GABBO's groin kept him out for all but 2 games since the start of the season. Then as soon as my trade for MAF goes through, he goes down with a "lower body injury". (Could you be more specific? Hangnail? Water-on-the-knee? Sprained scrotum? What?) To put the icing on the puck, Brenden "The Sun Won't Come Out To" Morrow (my leading PIMmer) tore his ACL asunder, and is done for the season.

The reports are in, and it's confirmed: I am the KISS OF DEATH. Now I remember why I don't play fantasy sports. Sure, I might be in second place due to a lucky 5-4-1 win by Kris, but that's also because half the managers in the league don't pay attention to their teams.

* In one of the most hilariously pathetic moments I've ever seen in a hockey game, the Canadiens' Ryan O'Byrne scored a game-tying "own goal" when he passed the puck back towards where JESUS PRICE used to be . . . not realizing he already left the goal for an extra skater on a delayed penalty.

Wow, that was a perfect backhand into the centre [sic] of the net! I couldn't do it better myself. (Honestly, I've tried.) Naturally, the Icelanders would end up winning in the shootout, causing the Bell Centre faithful to derisively chant his name from the rafters as he dejectedly exited the arena, embarrassed by his huge hockey boner. (Yeah, I'm trying to bring that word back into the lexicon to mean "gaffe" or "mistake".)

* In other news, JESUS PRICE IS HURT! Hurt that I didn't choose him on my NHL 2009 All-Star Ballot! I chose Timmy Thomas, who overall has better numbers and had to be written in. Apparently, crazy Montreal fans (redundant, I know) have stuffed the ballot box to put 5 of the 6 nominated Habs in the voting lead, despite the fact that none of their skaters are in the top 48 in scoring, Price isn't in the top 10 in GAA, and the team is below the Devils in goals scored. Not to be out-homered, I chose Elias and Parise from the Devils, and more overlooked yet deserving players like Devin Setoguchi, Marc Savard and Shea Weber, and not a single damn dirty Canadien. (They're allegedly hiding the votes over the last 2 days, so your votes don't really count as much as you thought they did.)

* Rob might be right: this current Rangers team plays an incredibly boring brand of hockey. They may not be up there with the 1995 Devils (who I actually enjoyed watching, because they won it all--ha) or the 2007 Red Wings, but they really have no exciting players and very little spark.

* Programming note: It's happened several times this season where there were three hockey games on local TV in the New York area on Saturday night, and they were all on SIMULTANEOUSLY. In fact, the Rangers and Isles each had their OT and shootouts going on at the same time, so it was impossible to follow. Hey NHL, if you want me to watch, STAGGER THE GAMES A LITTLE. Spread out the start times 15 minutes or so, that's all I ask. Last night was perfect: Rangers at 7, Islanders at 7:30 PM. One game was going on while the other was in intermission, and they didn't end simultaneously. (MSG probably does it so they can use the same postgame show and not pay those guys to work extra time, because those Cablevision-owning douchebags are notoriously cheap, but it seriously stinks.)

* SALO POWER! Canucks don't need no stinkin' Luongo (week-to-week with/without a groin) to beat the champs, with Sami Salo setting up the tying goal in the 3rd and scoring in OT to take down the Wings 4-3. This is the first time I've ever been impressed by anyone with the last name "Salo".

* GOAL OF THE WEEK. Yeah, it's a kid you might have heard of. Sidney Crosby, vs. Atlanta on 11/20/2008.

* NEW JERSEYS: The verdict is in and I think the new Tampa and Ottawa 3rd jerseys, with BOLTS and SENS written across the chest, are awful. They look like they're from the AHL or a beer league. If the point is to make more money, how many of those BOLTS jerseys are going to sell in South Florida? The Coyotes' new 3rds are slightly more appealing, but only because it reminds me of the Johnny Cash-voiced space coyote in "The Simpsons".

* There have been a lot of ugly hits so far in the league and so little done about them, and I've gotten to the point that I don't want to talk about them anymore. How about we take away the hard, fiberglass shoulder pads and replace them with old school foam ones? I guarantee you won't have anyone slamming guys face first into the boards from behind any more.

* Malcolm Gladwell, author of the interesting, thought-provoking (though somewhat flimsy) books The Tipping Point and Blink, has a new book out called Outliers, that begins with a study about Canadian junior hockey players, to try to illustrate how certain young boys get a headstart in their hockey careers due to both their talent and their surroundings. But the fact that I found most interesting is that it turns out that most hockey players were born in January. In other words, if your kid isn't born in the winter, don't bother buying him skates.

* TOTALLY UNRELATED MUSIC VIDEO OF THE WEEK. Kris passed along the video for Kathleen Edwards' "Hockey Skates" so I thought I'd post it. Yeah, she's Canadian, in case there was any speculation.

"I'm tired of playing defense and I don't even have hockey skates." This reminds me of Sarah McLachlan, a not-unpleasant song that you forget immediately after it's over. It's the aural equivalent of drinking Molson Ice.

In closing, even though I complain a lot about the NHL, I'm thankful for the sport of hockey. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! (Except the Canadians, who already had theirs.)

RAMBLINGS ON WHATEVER

2008-11-20T14:26:00.006-05:00

With a title like that, I've set the bar awful fucking low. Let's see if I can live down to the expectations.

Apparently on the internets all the kids are doing "bulleted lists." It's sounds like a Sean Gayvery invention to me, but whatever: he makes more money than me.

* Whiskey (translation for the English/Scottish/Irish readers out there: whisky): Holy shit, I used to be fully in the beer camp, but I've swung into the whiskey camp with great zeal. Here's why: You open a beer and drink it. You open another, drink it. After a couple of these your significant other (or dog or conscience if you live alone) starts to give you the "how-many-of-those-have-you-had" look. There's a bottle-trail of your dependence on alcohol. Whiskey, you can pour yourself a small one, then another small one, etc...yes, this is all about justifying my consumption...But you know what - fuck you for judging, asshole.

Since, I've been in France I've "felt" my American roots more and more. Not that I'm ever going to be one of those balls-in-your-face Palin loving idiots, but (tangent alert) when some stupid cock of a Frenchman feels like he needs to criticize me because our democracy elected Bush, I do feel like punching the asshole in the head. So (tangent ending) I have been drinking bourbon (the Brownest of the brown liquors) whenever possible. But my choices are limited to Four Roses (which is surprising not horrible) and Makers Mark. I think there's a brand called "Wild Chicken" or something too, but that's horrible stuff. I can get Woodford Reserve, Basil Haden's and most of the other premium stuff, but it's so damn expensive that I can't justify it.
So the logical step is Scotchland...It's just so much closer, so there's obviously more choice.

Snap Drinky Drinky Review: Highland Park 12-year old Single Malt. Mmmm. I'm not a big fan of the whole "peat-fire-still-buring-in-the-bottle" aspect of some Scotch and Highland doesn't disappoint. It's actually quite sweet for a scotch, and it's not surprising, following my brief flirtation with bourbon, that I like this. I'm sure that many connoisseurs (did you know that the base "con" in French is dick or asshole? just saying) would find it below them. But damn it, it gets the ~~Krusty Brand~~ Open Hockey Seal of Approval.

* Fantasy Hockey: Is awesome because the "No Homers" club, managed by yours truly, is kicking major ass so far this season. Through 7 weeks, I'm undefeated in head-to-head matchups (Jesus Price saved my ass with a lackluster win last Sunday to defeat Kammann's Zelepukin Slappers/Kiss of Death team 5-4) and I'm a very respectable 35-12-8 overall.

* Fuck Nokia. Honestly. I changed my Blackberry Pearl for a Nokia E71 a couple weeks back. The Nokia is like a supermodel. So damn sexy that you want to take it into a bathroom stall and...umm...surf the web with it. But it's also dumb as fuck. No built in push mail is like walking up to some really hot chick and asking her to go out with you and her lazy eye shoots up towards the sky and she mutters something about her cat liking catfood. Then there's the "Nokia PC ~~Shite~~ Suite". RIM has you install this little non-intrusive program to sync with Outlook. Nokia, this giant memory hog of a program that runs in the background all the fucking time (why the fuck would I want to send SMS messages from my computer, I HAVE A PHONE FOR THAT!) and won't shut off. I can't watch pirate videos anymore with this fucking thing installed because it makes VLC jump so much. I may learn to live with it - because it is fucking sexy and much more capable than my crackberry (I get TV on it!) for many things, but the change is the hardest part. I have a new found respect for those crazies from America's hat that invented the whole Blackberry system.

Anyway, I think I had other things to complain about...But whatever. I'll post again in the next 3 or 4 weeks. I promise!

WRIST SHOTS: LISTEN TO THE DOC

2008-11-12T16:17:00.006-05:00

I'll admit it: I'm in a Marty funk. Devils games just don't have the same allure without #30 in between the pipes, especially when they face the Rangers tonight (It's Henrik versus . . . some other guy!). Sunday night's matchup between the Devils/Oilers featuring Clemmenson and Drowning-Delaioueiourois (sp?) was a low point for me.

However, every once in a while a game comes along and reminds me why I love this sport. Tuesday's rematch of last season's Cup finalists, the Red Wings and Penguins, lived up to the hype thanks to a furious finish by the latter. After being outshot 26-14 by the defending champs over the first 2 periods, and being down 5-2 and 6-4 in the game, Jordan Staal (finally) woke up and netted a hat trick in the 3rd, the final coming with 0:22.8 left to tie it 6-6. In OT, said Staal suavely stole the puck and fed Fedotenko for the winner with 1:11 left to seal it 7-6. This is why I watch this game. (And I'm glad it was a real shootout not decided by a fake shootout.)

After seeing Ozzy and MAF give up a total of 13 goals on 68 shots (34 apiece), maybe we don't need more rules and equipment changes to increase scoring, we just need more mediocre goalies. Marty Turco is certainly doing his part to raise the league average GAA. If you haven't seen this early Xmas gift he gave the Sharks yet, this is a microcosm of his season so far.

Speaking of Mr. Brodeur, this report regarding his surgery is officially weird: Report: Devils G Brodeur previously tore tendon. So are we saying he won a Vezina last year with a partially torn tendon in his arm? Or did all the fat jokes inspire him to workout in the offseason, and the injury was a result of lifting weights and overdoing it? (As this article posits, you can BLAME AVERY, or Puck Daddy, for all the donut jokes.) Regardless, I say he's going to be out for the year. Marty's done. Thanks for coming to Newark and drive safely!

This article is also interesting: "Lundqvist hoping to avoid injury bug". No, we don't want to jinx Henrik or anything. He's fine. What are the odds that he'll get hurt too? Pretty slim, right? It won't happen. Probably not. Forget we even brought it up, wrote about it, and put it online. It's not a big deal, because hockey players aren't superstitious. Nah.

* As for the other injured local goalie, what is the real story with Rick DiPietro? I realize that when you sign a player for 15 years, you have to take into account the possibility of losing him to injuries--but this is ridiculous. He's undergone surgeries on both hips and both knees (and suffered a concussion) in the 2+ years since he signed that ridiculous contract, which is a lot for a 27 year old player. Add to that the fact that his crappy ownership maybe put too much pressure on him by making him the man (and giving up on countless quality players around him), and Garth Snow is an invisible GM that apparently was only hired to be Ricky's life partner. This is a sorry franchise, and I almost feel awful that DiPietro has to be a part of it for the rest of his career, if he ever returns to the ice.

* Hockey announcer Mike "Doc" Emrick was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame this week and rightfully so. His play-by-play call is effortless, informative without being overwhelming, and entertaining without being flashy. Most of all, the crescendo in his voice during the height of action is impeccible; I can't even tell you how many Brodeur saves and Devils goals (and non-Devils plays) were made just a little bit better thanks to his announcing. I was also amazed by his ability to name all the foreign players during the Winter Olympics. By all accounts he's a consumate pro and an incredibly personable guy. Congratulations, Doc!

WRIST SHOTS: BRODEUR TO UNDERGO SURGERY

2008-11-03T22:09:00.013-05:00

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur to undergo surgery

Preliminary reports have him missing 3 -4 months. This is basically every Devils fan's worst nightmare come true. I just knew drafting him on my fantasy team would be the kiss of death. Well, since they rely on him more than any other team leans on their goalie, I'd have to say, "There goes the season". Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007-2008 Stanley Cup Champions, the New York Rangers!!! (Or insert your team name.)

I was going to complain about how NHL.com stole my Marty Watch idea (they saw my blog, obviously, and renamed it "Brodeur Watch"; see right), but none of that matters now. Now we're looking at weeks and weeks of Kevin Weekes, with Scott Clemmenson to back him up--a not-so-dynamic duo.

What do they do now? Do they hope the backups can do their job in the meantime? Can they take Clemmenson and make Clemmenade? And after that doesn't pan out, will Lou acquiesce and get someone's cast off like Khabibulin or Fernandez or god only knows who? Will anyone show up to games at The Rock this winter (I won't)?

Add to this depressing news a weak defense that doesn't take the body or clear out the crease, an anemic offense, two questionable free agent signings already on the IR (Holik and Rolston), and this looks like a team that is severely screwed. I saw them as a 5/6 East seed WITH Marty; without him playing again until March, I don't see them making the playoffs at all.

Puck Daddy has a good article entitled "10 Biggest Aftershocks From Martin Brodeur's Injury". Hailing from Matawan (one town over from where I grew up), he nailed us Devils fans in this incredibly accurate description: "Devils fans are born cynics, both due to our systemic inferiority complexes and Jersey breeding." Exactly.

Fuck. This is the worst thing to happen to the Devils and Marty since Stephane Matteau got a lucky deflection off Fetisov's skate.

Hurry back, Marty.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? TFP ICE GIRLS EDITION

2008-10-30T16:15:00.004-04:00

I was going to just do a MARISA MILLER IS SO FREAKING HOT post to get it over with, but why not a hockey themed post?

Thanks to The Fourth Period, we have the women of the 2009 TFP Ice Girls™ Calendar.

To keep things local (and because there's no Miss Buffalo or Miss Newark, god forbid), here's Julia and Jessica, Miss New York and Miss, er, New York. While only one of them is of the opinion that Potvin Sucks, they both can agree that they completely abhor pants.

I have to say that I also really like Pamela (Miss Pittsburgh) almost as much as she hates her pants.

For the record (and in case she's reading this), I have no problem with Sidney Crosby.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: "GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR" COMMERCIAL

2008-10-28T16:12:00.004-04:00

Here's a great commercial for "Guitar Hero World Tour", a parody of the famous scene from Risky Business.

In order of appearance: Alex Rodriguez, Tony Hawk, Michael Phelps, and Kobe Bryant.

Wow, how much did this commercial cost to make? Those Guitar Hero guys (Activision) must be making a fortune.

PHILLY FANS ONCE AGAIN SHOWING THEIR TRUE COLORS

2008-10-27T18:39:00.012-04:00

As a prelude to the riots and fires sure to be touched off by the impending Philthies World Series win (delayed for the first time by shitty weather--yes, it's snowing in upstate New York right now), a Flyers fan threw a smoke bomb onto the ice during the Devils/Flyers game on Saturday night.

Meanwhile, across the way at Citizen Spank Park they are building onto their reputation as awful, boorish fans by acting like complete tools towards visiting Rays fans during World Series Game 3.

Children were cursed at, and one 9-year-old boy had beer poured on him. A Rays family member stayed locked in a bathroom stall because, he said, Phillies fans were banging on the walls and threatening him.

Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe "Not To Be Confused With John Madden" Maddon added, "Throwing mustard packs at my granddaughter is not very cool". Wow, that's fantastic. And this shit is tame compared to what goes on at Iggles games.

I'm so tired of fans' awful behavior being tolerated just because they're rooting for a bunch of athletes who play a sport near their house. As a kid I didn't understand why some people really hate sports, but now I get it. It's not so much the sport itself but the attention lavished on it by the media and the asinine actions of its fans. While I enjoy sports, I can't get that emotionally involved in it; my eyes glaze over whenever anyone tries to explain why they're a bigger fan than that guy over there. It really doesn't matter. It's certainly not an excuse to lob the c-word at women and terrorize kids just because they're not wearing the same color shirt as you.

So after the Philthies finally win the WS (if anyone watches it) I hope they burn down Independence Hall, defecate in the Liberty Bell and slap a few children along the way, as that will definitively prove to the world that they're the best fans and have the best team! Woo hoo!

Stay classy, Philthadelphia!

(As an aside, as soon as the Anaheim Ducks dropped the "mighty" from their moniker, they won the Stanley Cup. I thought as soon as the Rays dropped the "Devil" from their name they were a shoo-in to win it all. That remains to be seen.)

HOCKEY HITS: LUCIC VS. VAN RYN (AND THE PLEXIGLASS)

2008-10-27T18:31:00.004-04:00

I thought this stuff only happened in NHL '94.

Milan Lucic sent Mike Van Ryn through the plexiglass during the Leaves 4-2 win on Thursday.

Massive Hockey Hit Into the Glass - Watch more free videos

Yikes.

WRIST SHOTS: GAYVERY'S DOUCHEBAGGERY AND SPORTS HEAD GAMES

2008-10-24T12:52:00.003-04:00

I couldn't let this week go by without mentioning Sean Avery's visit to the New York City area, this time as an overpayed member of the Dallas Stars. Now the enemy, they (for some reason) booed him in his old prancing grounds, Madison Square Garden, and taunted him when he was checked to the ice. He was similarly heckled at the Prudential Center when he refused to fight David "Kelly" Clarkson. Don't you know that all this dickish diva wants is you to pay attention to him? Doesn't anyone realize that negative energy only makes him stronger, like the slime in Ghostbusters II? You puckheads should know better. Hell, what am I saying? People still chant "POTVIN SUCKS" at MSG. Personally, I didn't agree with him getting booed and decided to say "Boooo-very".

Maybe there's something to be said about Gayvery's pest tactics. Since the league is putting up with his "agitation without pugliation" policy, he'll continue to play and garner attention. But to me he represents everyone in the world that's allowed to be a complete douchebag and get away with it: the Wall Street maverick who makes money when stocks collapse, the guy in the BMW who weaves through traffic, the asshole who goes in the bathroom exit at a hockey game when there's clearly a fucking line, the Patriots fan who didn't seem to exist for the first 30 years of my life. As long as opponents don't let him get in their head (as Brodeur clearly didn't in Monday's 5-0 drubbing, his 98th SO), and the defense keeps him off the scoresheet (he's currently on pace to score 0 goals), he's a useless player. He knows it, and that's why he's already focusing on his post-hockey career in fashion.

Other than company softball ringer Darryl Strawberry, I wonder if booing and heckling affects players that much. The head games that occur on the ice are probably more effective, but I'm not too sure it doesn't affect them on some subconscious level, either positively (while on the road) or negatively. All I know is that I don't care what players say about each other in the press, just take care of your job on the ice.

* While at MSG on Monday night (to witness Turco's one good game so far this season) I realized that the Rangers have two players who have names that sound like "boos" when chanted by the crowd: Drury and Dubinsky. I think they should go further and get an entire team of players with the "oo" vowel sound in their name, so you can't tell if they're booing or not, like J.P. Dumont, Jordin Tootoo and Francois Bouchard. Do they chant "Chee-choooo" in San Jose? If so, I say they trade for him.

Speaking of, whatever happened to Chris Droooory? Did he retire? Oh that's right, he's the captain and starting center for the NY Rangers. He's only got 1 assist in 9 games and is a minus-5. Ouch.

* The Sabres continue to win (if you count prevailing in the ~~Dodge~~ Honda SuperSkills Competition a win, and I guess we have to since the NHL does). Maybe they're finally shaking off the hangover that was last year's season, but they're off to an incredible start (6-0-1) after defeating the Wild in the shootout.

* We have a new sports jinx: the Sarah Palin Curse. Ever since the dunderheaded vice presidential candidate dropped the puck at the Philthy Lyers' opening night at MassiveBankFailure Center, they haven't won a single game (0-3-3, 3 points, last place in the East). The actual reason for this might be the injuries on defense and lackluster goaltending that have produced a conference worst 29 goals allowed (only Dallass with 32 GA, most of them thanks to Marty Turco's 4.03/.848, are worse). But I have no problem blaming it on a politician, especially one that's an insult to intelligent women everywhere. I have a feeling they might notch their first win this weekend, since the Devils have a home-and-home series with them wherein Friday's game is quickly followed up by 4 PM Saturday start (due to the damn Philthies/Rays game). But look for the Blues fast start (4-2-1) to be quickly snuffed out, as she will be dropping the puck tonight in St. Louis!

(I'm turning into Puck Daddy by mixing politics and hockey. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.)

* GOAL OF THE WEEK
Brendan Morrow, proud member of the Zelepukin Slappers, against It's good to be the King Henrik at MSG, 10/20/2008 (2-1 Stars). (Fast forward about 0:58 in.)

I saw him score this live, from his stomach.

* Great player names: Wacey "Wascally" Rabbit (C, Boston Bruins). He hasn't been spotted on the ice yet, but Elmer Fudd is currently hunting for him.

WRIST SHOTS: IT'S ALL PART OF MY HOCKEY FANTASY

2008-10-17T16:44:00.003-04:00

(AP Photo/John Amis)" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5258231027043368482" border="0" />It's weird what you find yourself rooting for when you have a fantasy team, especially a fantasy hockey team. It was late in Monday night's game and the Rangers were already up 3-1 on the Devils with Marty pulled, so I was rooting for Gomez to score an empty net goal, or an empty net assist, or something! During garbage time in the Wild/Thrashers game (I just stopped to think: man, those are awful team names--sounds like a bar band that plays only 80s hair metal covers--THE WILD THRASHERS!), I actually cursed at GABBO! for missing an empty net. At least offensive-minded defenseman Ron Hainsey got a few SOG for me, while Zeppelinberg was busy hurting his groin in a back alley somewhere in Detroit. Dammit, Kronwell, get that plus/minus up!

Among the things I will NOT have to root for: anyone in a Philthy Lyers or Maple Leaves sweater, or guys like Todd Bertuzzi or Sean Gayvery (because I kicked them off my draft list). So here's my fantasy team, about whom nobody cares about but me. (Not sure if that's the name I'm sticking with.)

Zelepukin Slappers
1.	(6)	Martin Brodeur
2.	(7)	Henrik Zetterberg
3.	(18)	Martin St. Louis
4.	(19)	Marian Gaborik
5.	(30)	Eric Staal
6.	(31)	Thomas Vanek
7.	(42)	Brenden Morrow
8.	(43)	Dan Boyle
9.	(54)	Niklas Backstrom
10.	(55)	Nicklas Backstrom
11.	(66)	Marc Savard
12.	(67)	Lubomir Visnovsky
13.	(78)	Niklas Kronwall
14.	(79)	Dustin Byfuglien
15.	(90)	Zach Parise
16.	(91)	Henrik Sedin
17.	(102)	Ron Hainsey
18.	(103)	Mathieu Garon

Yes, I got Niklas Backstrom and Nicklas Backstrom. I thought about dropping one of them because I was just going to get confused . . . but which one?

Strangely, the three (two) people who blog here each autodrafted their respective team's goalie: I got Marty with the 6th pick, Kris decided the 6th round was Ryan Miller Time, and Rob ended up with King Henrik.

* It's 2008, and interference is the new obstruction! This happens at the beginning of every year, where the officials pick one penalty and call it incessantly. Yes, I understand they want to "set a tone" and hope the players follow their lead, but these games are being called ridiculously tight. There's no doubt they want to increase scoring by calling more infractions (and judging by the scoreboard, littered with 6-2, 7-4 and 5-4 finals, scoring is up), but how in God's name did the Islanders get NINE POWER PLAYS last night? And there were two monumentally horrendous calls last night against the Devils, one of them was called "interference" when Colin White was merely finishing a check, the other was a tripping call made after a player tripped over the blue line. This will probably taper off in the second half of the season, but power plays and the resulting goals are a little off the charts right now (except for the Devils, who always stink with the extra man).

* Last night, there were maybe 5,000 people attending the Devils 1-0 win over the Thrashers in Atlanta (don't believe the claim of "11,293"--there aren't even that many hockey fans in all of Georgia). Even Chico "Eats" Resch commented on it stating that it was one of the lowest turnouts he's ever seen, and he was a Devils goalie when they were only winning 17 games a season. It was pretty depressing. Apparently, to offset low ticket sales Thrashers management is trying to lure customers by making some seats "all you can eat". No, don't give people discounts, just give them unlimited shitty nachos. What fatty could refuse that? Well done, guys!

So where were all the fans in Hotlanta last night? It's not like there was a Braves playoff game last night--oh wait, they don't attend those either. Can we just admit that the Southern Fried Hockey experiment didn't work? Of course not, because the NHL will never admit defeat, they'll just raise ticket prices and add teams in places like Kansas City and Barcelona. Okay, you got the Stanley Cup all the way down to Carolina and Tampa--congratulations Bettman, you shitface! I hope you're happy, and made a plaque commemorating that incredible accomplishment. Now can we get this league back to actual HOCKEY, featuring teams in (Canadian) cities where people give a shit and attend whether the team is good or bad?

* My free NHL CENTER ICE preview ended PROMPTLY at midnight on the 15th. In fact, there was still a game going on when it cut out. Thanks, Comcast Cablevision Cocksuckers! I didn't matter much anyway, as those channels were nearly unwatchable in standard definition, and there are exactly ZERO HD channels allotted for this package on CV. One other note: because of DirecTV pricing based on potential "viewing occupancy", the CI package would be $749 for the season if purchased at a bar (1-100 people). That's ridiculous. And I was all ready to chip in $50, but that won't even make a dent. NHL, don't you want ANYONE to see your sport?

* The Battle of New York was won by . . . the Sabres on Wednesday night. Their 3-1 win in MSG prevented the Rangers from going 6-0, which would have been their best start ever. Speaking of, I will be attending a hockey game in the Most Famous Arena On Planet Earth for the first time in a long time. It will remind me how depressingly lame it is to have your home team's rink in Newark.

* GOAL OF THE WEEK

Martin Havlat vs. the Coyotes (4-1 Blackhawks, 10/15/08).

Egads, that's a wicked backhand.

Here's my blognostications for the playoff teams this season:

Wales (Eastern): Pittsburgh, Washington, Montreal, NY Rangers, New Jersey, Carolina, Buffalo, Ottawa.
Campbell (Western): San Jose, Detroit, Minnesota, Vancouver, Chicago, Calgary, Edmonton, St. Louis.

* As you might know, Marty Brodeur has the chance to set two career goalie records this season: wins and shutouts. I'm just glad I've been around to watch most of these--holy back bacon, he's got nearly 100 shutouts (not counting the postseason)? Yikes. Anyway, I'm proud to introduce: Marty Watch.

MARTY WATCH

Wins = 541 (11 more to pass Patrick Roy, 551)

Shutouts = 97 (7 more to pass Terry Sawchuk, 103)

TOP 10 THINGS I DIDN'T MISS ABOUT NFL FOOTBALL

2008-10-14T12:51:00.002-04:00

We're about 1/4 of the way through the NFL season, and I'm already tired of it. I didn't realize how exasperating it can be, as I filtered out all the shit and just remember the Giants Super Bowl win. But getting there is quite a shitty road. Because everyone loves Top 10 Lists, here's another one, Top 10 Things I Didn't Miss About NFL Football.

10. Chris Fucking Berman. Not only has his shtick worn out its welcome, but he's also appearing in NutriSystem commercials. Good God, just shut up already.

9. Joe Fucking Buck. I wish the FOX robot would take the baseball bat he's armed with (cross promotion with MLB! Kill me now!) and slug that smug prick in the face.

8. Owners thinking they're part of the team. You don't know anything about football, you just have a lot of money and own a bunch of amusement parks and oil drills. So stop sticking your face in front of the camera, Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones, and fuck off.

7. The media thinking I care what football players have to say, or what they do off the field. The Giants' Plaxico Burress didn't answer his phone for 2 days, was suspended two weeks (one of them a bye, which is horseshit), and they still pummeled the Seahawks? Who cares? Just catch passes, or throw them, or do whatever it is you do on the field. I don't give a shit about the rest of it.

6. Every media outlet slobbering over the Cowboys. At this point I'm rooting for Tony Romo to break his arm on a pass to T.O. as the ball explodes and the leather shards permanently blind him. It's also amazing to me that the Giants STILL they don't get any respect or attention. What do they have to do, win the first game on the moon?

(UPDATE: I wrote the above sentence weeks ago, before Romo broke his pinky and could be out for up to 4 weeks. Thanks!)

5. Football Night In America. Lousy name, lousy show, brought to you by lousy NBC Sports. While the team of commentators (Costas, Collingsworth, King, Tiki, Jerome, etc.) are mildly irritating, nothing is worse than the has-been dream-team of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann. The latter is especially glib and unfunny in the role he's rehashing for NBC, as if he's saying, "Kick me off MSNBC's political reporting for being too smug a prick about McCain, eh? Why, I'll be so insufferable doing football highlights they'll HAVE to reinstate me!" I think it's all a ploy to make Madden seem brilliant by comparison. It's working, because it's actually enjoyable to listen to him after all of NBC's jackassery. (Oh, and the John Williams theme music makes me constantly look over my shoulder to see if there's an evil Darth Someone about to stick a lightsabre in my Jar-Jar Binks.)

4. So many abysmal teams with ancient, boring QBs. Kerry Collins, Gus Frerotte, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia--the 2008 NFL season is going to be known as The Year Of The Old White Guy. Do you mean to tell me there isn't one college QB from the past 10 years that are better than Gus Frerotte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, J.T. O'Sullivan and Sage Rosenfeld? Speaking of, check out this craptastic play by Lions "quarterback" Dan Orlovsky:

Where the hell did you think you were running? We're not in Canada! Good God, you suck.

3. The commercials. Good Lord, they're interminable. Kickoff, then 4 minutes of commercials, 3 and out drive, punt, more commercials, a couple of plays, timeout, more commercials--FUCK! While watching a game is excruciating, I can't imagine even GOING to a game any more, it would seem endless. At least if I'm at home or at a bar, I can find something else to do to pass the time.

Not only are the commercials never-ending, but they're also incredibly fucking dumb. After watching a lot of Discovery HD over the summer, the plummeting collective IQ of the marketing campaigns saved just for football fans feels like a spike driven into my frontal lobe Here's the trifecta of ubiquitious and annoying ads I have to endure.

* "How will I know if my beer is cold if the little Coors mountain doesn't turn blue?!?" I don't know, maybe you can tell because IT'S IN YOUR FUCKING HAND? How about you break the bottle over your head and feel it that way? Assholes.

* Budweiser American Ale. An American style ale brought to you by a Belgian owned company! Woo hoo! I know they're probably referring to the style, but I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively. In fact, I would love if people revolved and stopped buying their shit, but that will probably never happen as long as they keep putting out groundbreaking products like light beer with lime flavoring in it. Go get fucked, A-B.

* Heineken wants you to believe that because the city of Amsterdam is great, this means that their skunktacular beer must be great. However, they use "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis as the background music. Why did they choose a song by a band from Scotland to tell you how great the Netherlands' biggest city is? If Amsterdam was so DAM GOOD, they should at least have one good band, no?

2. Monday Night Football. I can avoid listening to ESPN talking heads during the week by just not turning the channel on. But when your team plays on Monday night, and the radio feed is 30 seconds ahead of the action, what can you do? Seriously, the commentators are atrocious this season, constantly undermined by chatty jackass Tony Kornheiser. ESPNABCDISNEY needs to bring back Dennis Miller. And no, I'm not kidding.

1. Instant replay. They just don't seem to get it right. Personally, I would love to see it removed from all sports, and have the referees just say, "Fuck you, I'm calling it on the field". Instead, they're afraid to make a call (or in the case of Ed "Herculis" Hocholi, a little overeager), and they huddle up to make sure they're all making up the same story. Because no matter what they call, someone will complain about it.

DAD OF THE YEAR IS LOCKED UP

2008-10-09T07:57:00.005-04:00

Meet Randy Lewis, a shoo-in for Dad-of-the-Year:

See Randy found himself in a bit of a predicament the other day. He was already staring down 2 DUI convictions, but he had just drank 15 beers and "some liquor" and needed to get home.

Making a spur-of-the-moment decision that only alcohol allows, Randy handed his keys to his son and told him, "get me the fuck home, now."

Great plan, except Randy's son is only 10. Now a 12-year old, yeah he can drive 90 mph (according to the cops), no problem. But at 10, not so much (on the plus side, no one died).

Needless to say, Randy Jr., rolled the vehicle. Not only were Randy and Randy Jr in said vehicle, another 10-year old and a 6-year old were also present as well as Paula Elaine Evans a 38-year old friend of Randy Sr (and probably his sister and lover). Paula had copious amounts of undefined "pills" and she did what every inbred woman would do in her case and started swallowing them so the police couldn't confiscate them.

Now many people are going to say that Randy's tee shirt shows just how deep his problem goes. I say that now-more-than-ever, Randy needs a beer.

Let's hope that Randy Jr learns to drive better, quickly, 'cause someone's going to have to bring Dad beer in the clink when he's doing 5-10 for the various laws he broke.

[WSBTV via Jalopnik]

[Update: The Smoking Gun has the arrest report]

THE END (OF NON HOCKEY SEASON) IS NEAR

2008-10-09T05:14:00.003-04:00

Kammann already ran his upcoming season preview and that's great, because I'm not going to spend anywhere near as much time.

I've got a couple of comments:

*I like Drooory too and I wish he was still on the Sabres but I like the fact that the Rangers made him captain.

*I've looking for the Sabres to make the post season this year. Even if the boffins out there don't think they will, I'm confident - at least to a certain degree. Maxim for Men's in a contract season and keeping with a majority of European players, this generally means he'll perform well. Derek Roy impressed me last year and there's a lot of young players on this fast team. Hopefully...WHOA. Hold the press. I just went to sabres.com to check out something and I see they named Craig "I don't want to go to Buffalo" Rivet captain. What the fuck? I know that he's made amends for the aforementioned comment and I'm sure he's a great guy, but the Sabres have a large amount of motivated, home grown talent (cough, cough Pominville cough, cough).
I like Lindy...a lot...and based on that, I'm going to try to withhold judgement on this decision, but off-the-cuff it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm glad to see Teppo back for another year. Sucks that Gaustad is out for the beginning of the year, because he brings heart to this team, but I'm hoping to be watching illegal streaming video of the Sabres come May.

Anyway: You know it's hockey season when the NHL.com sends 5 spam messages per day. At least they're getting the most for the marketing budget; we're talking about it. And that's all that counts.

Oh, I forgot to mention this: Bettman Sucks.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: JAPANESE PIZZA COMMERCIAL

2008-10-07T09:03:00.005-04:00

Here's a Japanese commercial for PIZZA-LA.

♪Pi-pi-pi-pi-Pizza-la-kun
to to to to toppings!♪

You can't make this shit up. Suddenly, I don't feel like having pizza for lunch today.

HOCKEY IS BACK!

2008-10-04T12:00:00.001-04:00

NHL ice hockey team Tampa Bay Lightning's Vincent Lecavalier handles the puck during his team's practice session in Prague October 3, 2008 REUTERS/David W Cerny (CZECH REPUBLIC)" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5253330967690307298" border="0" />There's a chill in the air, the leaves are starting to turn, the Christmas decorations are already in the stores, the Mets choked away another season . . . all of this can only mean one thing: BETTMAN SUCKS!

I mean, HOCKEY IS BACK!

Unless you were from Michigan, last season probably left a bad taste in your mouth, what with Avery's Rangers douchebagging their way past the Devils, the Sabres missing the postseason boat, and the Big Red Wing Machine boring everyone en route to another Cup while making Sid the Kid cry. But it's a new season and a clean slate, as right now every team is in first place and dreaming of kissing Stanley's shiny metal butt at season's end. Conversely, every team is in last place, trying hard not to completely embarrass themselves in front of ever-dwindling crowds who would rather be playing golf or watching NASCAR. It's a crap shoot, but it's a fun one.

Because everyone loves bullet lists, here's my Things To Look Forward To for the NHL 2008-09 season.

* This year, four NHL teams are inexplicably being exiled to Europe to play their first 2 games: Sidsburgh Penguins vs. the Senators in Stockholm, and the Rangers vs. TB's Mullet Marauders in Prague. Wouldn't it make more sense to put the Lundqvist-led Rangers in Sweden? Maybe when they planned this, they envisioned Jagr being on the team and playing in his native Czech Republic, but it's still shitty planning if you ask me. Anywho, the Rangers had to lug 6800 pounds of equipment over there for just TWO GAMES. With the economy in the toilet, the high price of jet fuel, and playing these games at noon time (Eastern) during football season, the NHL is really thinking outside the brain on this one. Brilliant marketing ploy. I hope you sell a lot of $400 jerseys in Prague, you assholes.

* I have to admit, the NHL.com site redesign is pretty slick. However, they decided to (uncreatively) go all black, just like the vast majority of the league's 3rd jersey designs. Will voters reciprocate and go all black this November? We'll have to wait and see! (A cheap joke, I know.)

* As Salo pointed out, the season for exaggerating Canadian announcers has already begun. Check out this Carey "Jesus" Price save, from a Montreal preseason game.

Yeah, nice effort, but we've pretty much determined that it wasn't going in anyway. But that doesn't stop the irritating homerriffic TSN announcers from losing their shit over it. The Canadians want a Canadian born goalie on a Canadian team to be the next Patrick Roy/Martin Brodeur SO BADLY, so they can say, "YUP HE'S THE BEST AND HE'S A MONTREAL CANADIEN!" Of the 6 teams they're clinging to, Luongo can't win the big one, and you saw what happened when Ray Emery crashed and burned: they made him RUN AWAY TO RUSSIA. They're just a little bit frustrated, and will stop at nothing to overrate their own. In other news from Canadia, Vancouver is undefeated in the preseason. I say we give them the Cup now!d

* In local news, Chris Droooooory was named the Rangers captain. Who was their last one? I can't remember. It was Messier . . . and then someone else, who isn't even on the team anymore. Anyway, great choice, I've always liked him.

* I have to tell you, I like Bobby Holik back on the grind line for the Devils. He signed big money to be "the man" in NYC, and had similar expectations foised upon him in Atlanta, with subpar results. But as a team player on the Devils, he's where he should be. If he and Madden can remain relatively healthy, I think they'll grind out a few goals here and there.

* I don't go out of my way to frustrate myself, most of the time it just finds me. However, this time I sought it out directly by researching the NHL Center Ice package. Specifically, what the going rate is and weather they're going to make more HD games available, a promise made in 2005 when the league returned with their VERSUS/NBC package. Since I have cable I'd have to go with Comcast's "Sports inDemand", and it's quite pricey at $159 for the season (by comparison, baseball is $199 for the season and offers over twice the number of games). On top of that, this is what their site says about HD games: "Up to 7 games a week in Hi-Def now included." Wow, as much as SEVEN and as little as ZERO games will be in HD every week, despite the fact that they're ALL broadcast in HD. Sure, I'm luck I live in the NYC area and get quite a few games already (Rangers/Islanders/Devils) plus Versus HD. But I don't think Cablevision has any HD channels devoted to CI (at least they didn't last season). What a waste.

So if I wanted to watch the same games online, it would have to be cheaper right? Nope: the NHL Center Ice Online package is $169. So I can watch the games on my laptop for more money? And the ridiculous blackout rules kill a lot of the games, and the out-of-market NBC, VERSUS and NHL Network games are not available either? Holy crap, where do I sign up? Since CI subscribers get 50% off the purchase of CI Online, it would cost $243.50 for the season! That is monumentally absurd. What average fan is doing this? All of this for a sport that is less popular than the NFL, MLB, NBA, NCAA and NASCAR in this country. (Again, by comparison, the MLB.tv package is $129 for the season. That's right, it's less.)

Once again, the NHL seems insistent on screwing their fans right in the wallet (including increasing the cost of premium weekend games in D.C.). Instead of catering to the fair weather fans, and trying hard to break into markets that don't really care about the sport (Atlanta, Florida, soon to be in Europe), how about you cater to THE FANS YOU ALREADY HAVE??? If the NHL wants their sport to grow and the ratings to improve, they should be giving this stuff away, or at least they should think outside of the current business model, which is, "Screw the fan and they will bend over and take it." I've said it a billion times: they just don't get it. At least there's a free preview from October 4 - October 15 (NOT AVAILABLE IN FRANCE).

* I've decided to increase my hockey intake (or frustration) twofold this year: Once, I've started the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy League. And two, I bought a Playstation 3 along with a copy of EA Sports' NHL 09. So I can have my players underperform in real life AND in the videogame world (especially when I'm the one controlling them). At least I can live out my dream and skate for the Hershey Bears or the Lowell Devils using the new "Be A Pro" Mode.

(I thought about blogging my BAP progress here, which wouldn't be interesting to anyone else but me--but when has that stopped me before? That's one thing I wish people did more of: review games as they're playing it, weeks/months after it comes out. I hate these guys that play it 3 times, and say "I give it a score of A-minus!" and then never talk about it again. Well, how is the Be A Pro mode over the long haul? What about the online league? They just abandon the game after posting their initial review.)

Let's drop the puck already!

ODE TO THE THIRD

2008-10-01T14:15:00.005-04:00

There's been a lotta talk about this next topic, maybe...maybe, too much talk:

[This article is going to be hampered by the fact that the Excellent Puck Daddy Yahoo! Hockey Blog has the worst ever search engine, but anyway...]

Hockey's third jerseys (which I guess affects other US-based sports too, but really who cares about them) have been getting all kinds of bad press about the money-grabbingness of them. Yes, my friends, it is a money grab, but I find it better than the $8 beer or the $5 pretzel (or the hashed horse meat that they used to serve at the "Continental Airlines Arena & Superfund Site" for $8).

Number one, let me clear the air and say, as a Sabres fan, I applaud any and all efforts that lead to the extinction of the Buffaslug. The Sabres' new third is a perfect homage to the past, while remaining cutting-edge, 21st century cool. But that's not why I write this:

Those people who claim that the new third is a money grab are obviously bleeding heart liberals who think that we should protect everyone from themselves by outlawing "fun." When was the last time you entered your local NHL arena and had an usher point a gun at your head and say "buy a different jersey." Fuck that. You have the choice if you want to buy it or not.

The new Sabres third will probably sell great because it's what the fans want. Some of those Southern teams are putting out shit jerseys for shit teams, and you know what, if some 'Canes fan has to buy it because "he needs to have it" well then, good for him. That's obviously $90 less that he'll spend on crystal meth and an alley-abortion for his underaged girlfriend. The rest of us will make our own decisions.

I've lived in Europe for the last 5 years and the soccer (football) clubs here change jerseys every year, then they have 3rd, 4th, 12th jerseys too. I actually find it cool. It allows teams to do one-offs (or for a couple of games) something that they wouldn't usually do. Last night Olympique Lyon played a Champions League match against Bayern Munich. They wore day-glo yellow jerseys. Don't get me wrong, it was hideous, but it was different too. Different is good, IMHO, even if it sucks.

The infamous Blues jersey? I like the principle, of course it is horrible (although the thought of pictures of Chris Pronger in that...hah!), but it was still awesome that someone would make this into a jersey. I like the "fallopian tubes" Stars jersey. Damn it, it shows fucking creativity, something that is horribly lacking in Bettman's league of horrors.

Anyway, all you whining liberals out there. Stop worrying about other people's money and start worrying about what type of gun Sarah Palin is carrying right now. You know she's thinking about it.

ADVICE TO ALL CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS

2008-10-01T04:00:00.005-04:00

When a customer calls to notify you of a service outage it is not acceptable to say:

"It's Normal"

No, it is not fucking normal that I pay you every fucking month for a service that you are not providing to me. I am very understanding of the fact that you systems need to be "updated" from time to time. I suggest you do this when no one is using the system. Or you send a subscriber-wide email to notify your clients of the outage. 24 hours without internet is not a) Normal or b) Acceptable.

"Don't worry"

Don't fucking tell me what I should worry about. I count on my internet connection every day. You cutting my service for 24 hours and insisting that I not worry because "everything's normal" is probably the worst possible thing you can do. Don't offer to reimburse the FUCKING DAY that I was without service. The 1€ that you credit me on my bill is completely and utterly irrelevant to me, and it doesn't even pay for 1/100th of the money that I spent calling you motherfuckers on a PAY customer service help line. I believe it's 11 cents per minute (down from 34 cents/min because the government felt that literally raping their customers was a little over board), but it still took me over 40 minutes to finally get on the phone with someone to be told "not to worry."

And lastly you can stop telling me the time I spend on hold is free if I'm calling with your service. OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT CALLING WITH YOUR SERVICE BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN! Assholes.

The only thing worse is that every single ISP is the same here, so I don't have a lot of options. Although, I see that I can switch to Cable, get an HD box for 5€/month and NASN for 6€/month...This would be 11€ more than I pay, BUT non-200kbps streaming pirate internet...Actual, real TV-quality hockey, "As Live."

I think I'd have to pay 50€ to get out of my current contract, but I think I'm doing that. Plus Numericable promises pr0n much much fast..."up to 100mb/s" (I think a few different houses share the fiber optic connection, which means I would never get 100mb/s) but it is still better than my current 4.8mb/s by a couple of mb/s.

Ugh...I hate customer [dis]service.

Great news for all you cynics out there. In looking for the above demotivator, I found the following mug. I don't know if it's as good as "Fuck Off, I'm Reading the Onion" but it's up there.

THROW UP AT SHEA, BLOW UP AT SHEA

2008-09-28T21:14:00.014-04:00

After many years and many memories, an historic baseball stadium is finally being demolished.

Of course, I'm talking about Hiroshima Citizens Stadium, which is going to be bulldozed after 51 years. In their final game in the old stadium, fans threw inflatable pink dildos through the air while the Hiroshima Carp beat the Tokyo Yakult Swallow. Personally, I think while Hiroshima's Crap, the Tokyo Yakult Swallow!

No, I'm talking about the 44-year old Shea Stadium, the multi-purpose monstrosity that has finally closed its doors today. There's nothing special about this dump; it was ugly when I first went there in the late 70s, and it's ugly and outdated now.

Is that it? The 2008 Mets (a team some say "underachieved" but I say "wasn't that good") are done putting the finishing touches on their second straight September collapse? Great. No postseason ball in NYC for the first time since 1993? Beautiful.

Is everyone out of the building? Piazza and Seaver have symbolically closed the center field gates? Yogi finally made it out to his car? (God, that awful pun reminds me of that awful Bon Jovi song "Never Say Goodbye". Thanks for that, idiots.)

Good. It's time to BLOW UP AT SHEA. What? City laws prohibit imploding buildings? Goddamn politicians. Don't they know I need an explosive catharsis? Okay then.

BULLDOZE IT.

Wait, is that Doc Gooden and Straw together for the first time since, well, forever? No, I mustn't be swayed by pointless nostalgia. This place is an ulgy ass eyesore.

DESTROY IT.

No one really cares about it. The stadium housed teams that won IN SPITE OF IT, not because of it. Seriously, get rid of this massive hunk of shit. I don't want to talk about it again.

(I wonder if Yogi knows which stadium farewell party he's at.)

Aw shit, I thought those explosions meant they were about to level the building. Alas, it was only fireworks.

Photos courtesy AP/Al Bello-Getty Images

COWBELL IT!

2008-09-28T09:26:00.008-04:00

Yes, the Christopher Walken SNL sketch that this references is over 8 years old at this point, but that doesn't make the MORE COWBELL site less funny. The idea is simple: you upload an mp3, adjust the sliders to add cowbell and Walken quotes to it, and the computer "cowbells" it (nice verbification), with sometimes hilarious results. To wit:

We'll start off with Back in Black (Cowbell Mix) by AC/DC.

The Arctic Monkeys might want to consider a full time cowbellist, so they can perform The View From The Afternoon (With Cowbell).

There's always Cowbell Queen by ABBA. Wow, Gene Frenkel really explored the studio space on that one.

It's time to Get The Led Cowbell Out. Wow, that surprisingly rocks.

I used to think Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen was a perfect rock song, but that's before it was cowbelled. (Though Walken puts his pants on at an awkward time, this is fantastic.)

Naturally, there's always room for More Cowbell on this one: Unknown song. You've just been Rick Cowbell'd!

Three's Company with Cowbell!

Tom Waits says, Make It Rain Cowbell. Or maybe Singapore?

Flight of the Conchords say it's Cowbell Time and too many mutha'uckas are 'uckin' with their shi'.

Maybe Elliot Smith wouldn't have killed himself if he knew the joy of Cowbell In the Hay.

Here's Kris' FAVORITEST SONG OF ALL TIME! Stick with it, the finale is fantastically cowbellriffic.

Slayer + cowbell = hilarious. Angel of Death or
South of Heaven are both great.

And of course, they added more cowbell to a song that already features the cowbell: Don't Fear The Reaper. Careful: listening to this might create a black hole like the Large Hadron Collider.

I like what I'm hearing.

HANRAHAN! SUZANNE SUCKS PUSSY: IN MEMORY OF PAUL NEWMAN

2008-09-27T12:37:00.005-04:00

I'm ~~pretty~~ very cynical about most things. Most of the time when some actor or another dies, I don't feel much, but I just saw that Paul Newman died yesterday at 83.

Not only was Paul Newman a great actor, Slapshot still being my favorite sports movie of all time (and there's a couple of Lukes and Cassidys in there too), but an interesting guy (he raced the 24 hours of Dayton at 70 years old), and a very charitable person.

There will never been a better hockey coach/manager-player than Reggie Dunlop.

(Update: Puck Daddy has a much better obituary/send off to Paul Newman/Reggie Dunlop.)

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? HEROES EDITION

2008-09-26T16:00:00.012-04:00

This poor girl ended up on the NBC show "Heroes" last season, which after its promising Season 1, turned completely craptacular during their horribly muddled Season 2. Previously she had been the star of something called "Veronica Mars", a show which had amassed quite a cult following, no doubt due in part to her pulchritude. I honestly don't know what the show was about, so I'm just going to imagine it featured Victoria's Secret models on a space mission to the Red Planet. I think of it as a 21st century version of Barbarella filled with babes like Kristen Bell who utterly despise their pants.

I'm serious: this show has gotten so bad that I've completely given up on watching Season 3 (here's the Hulu.com site--help yourself).

That's right, this hot chick (who apparently can shoot lightning out of her ass or something--on the show, not sure if she can in real life) AND Hayden "Barely Legal" "Cup Licker" Panettiere are both on THE SAME SHOW, and I still refuse to tune in. That's when you know a show truly sucks.

SUCK IT, RIAA!

2008-09-25T16:10:00.006-04:00

In a decision sure to please music and file sharing fans everywhere (and give Lars Ulrich a rash), the judge in the Jammie Thomas vs. the Recording Industry Assholes of America (RIAA-holes) tossed out the verdict that sentenced her to pay $222,000 for having mp3 music files on her computer uploaded through the infamous KaZaA software.

A federal judge dealt the Recording Industry Association of America and record labels a setback Wednesday by throwing out a $222,000 verdict against a mom who was convicted of illegally sharing music over the Internet.

U.S. District of Minnesota Chief Judge Michael Davis ordered a new trial for Jammie Thomas, saying the jury's punishment was "unprecedented and oppressive." Davis said that the term "distribution" does not apply to simply making music available. It requires actual dissemination, he said.

A jury convicted her of putting 24 songs on Kazaa's file-sharing network and ordered her to pay $9,250 per song.

24 songs at $9,250 per, which is "more than five hundred times the cost of buying 24 separate CDs"? This was a ridiculous case with an even more ridiculous verdict, and the overturned verdict is a crushing blow to the RIAA and its slimy lawyers, who no doubt wished to make an example of the Minnesota mother.

It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of backwards-thinking, price-fixing, copyright-changing, money-grubbing assholes, who incidentally won the coveted Open Hockey Blog 2007 Dicktards Of The Year Award.

The website RIAA Radar is fantastic, and allows you to search for music acts and songs that are NOT affiliated with the RIAA, so you can purchase with a clear conscience knowing that your money is not lining their greedy pockets.

As a basic rule of thumb, most independent labels (Sub Pop, Merge) and indie rock bands are usually not part of the RIAA, whereas the big labels are (Sony, Geffen). Hence, the early albums by the Black Keys are not RIAA-affiliated ("Rubber Factory") where the newer ones are ("Magic Potion"). The site also has great charts (including an Indie Top 100 list) and is directly linked to the AMAZON.com store for purchasing discs and mp3s. Sure, most major artists are RIAA members, but you can find some decent new bands on here. I think I'll be buying that Robyn Hitchcock collection and Fleet Foxes EP I've been meaning to add to my mp3 collection. I already picked up Black Mountain's "In The Future".

SUCK IT, RIAA!

PATRIOTS FANS ARE A SPECIAL BREED

2008-09-23T08:01:00.007-04:00

(AP Photo/Winslow Townson)
" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_LNMxyhEk-6Y/SNjj9rsSDQI/AAAAAAAAA6I/qhNIsuGsBCE/s320/belicheat.jpg" border="0" />As you might have heard the New England Patriots had won 21 games in a row (regular season, obviously--we all know what THE WORLD CHAMPION GIANTS did to them in THE SUPER BOWL), before losing to Miami this week. So how did the fans show their appreciation once the streak inevitably ended?

(AP) "Fans booed the Patriots. Many left early. The record winning streak of their favorite team was ending with a stunning domination by the lowly Dolphins."

There was none of that clapping as if to say, "thanks for all the memories" or "through good times and bad, we'll be right here rooting for you!" Nope. After seeing 84 consecutive quarters of stellar, winning, record-breaking, sign-stealing football, they boo. In fact, they booed them off the field as they went in the tunnel at halftime. That should make the backup QB, who's already got his work cut out for him filling in for Tawmmy "Golden Boy" Brady, feel all warm inside.

Choke on a bucket a chowdah, ya facking facks! God, do I hate Pats (and Boston sports) fans. Before their latest spate of winning teams they were just bipolar and arrogant, now they're a bunch of spoiled babies.