FINAL SOLUTION JEOPARDY!

I was at the gym on the treadmill watching "Jeopardy!" and the category for Final Jeopardy was "In The Encylopedia Britannica". The question was "This final biography entry is of a Russian man who worked on this important invention" or something to that effect. Well, I was thinking it must start with "Z", and for some reason the only thing that came to mind was "ZYKLON-B". So when the music stopped and the contestants stopped writing their answers, Alex Trebek said, "My children are really happy that he came up with this invention!" When I heard this, I started laughing and realized that either my answer was way off, or Trebek was a filthy Nazi! The first contestant had no response, and shockingly, the second guy came up with the same answer as me, "ZYKLON-B". If Trebek had said, "Yes, that's correct!", I would have fallen off the fucking treadmill! It was only when the third contestant's correct response, "What is the television?", that I realized they were talking about Vladimir Zworykin, an early pioneer of television technology. Wow, I was literally laughing out loud (LLOL), and I'm 100% sure no one else knew why.

SHORT SHORTS!

* It's awesome, ba--*cough* *choke*. It's not even December yet, how has Dick Vitale blown out his larynx already? Anyway, the NCAA basketball season is already shaping up to be great, with several tournaments already producing great games (Coaches vs. Cancer, Maui Classic, Preseason NIT, etc). Tune into some of the Big 10 vs. ACC showdown games (like #1 Duke vs. #16 Indiana) and you'll see what I mean. It might level out a little until the conference games start in earnest in '06, but so far, so good. I know I'll be tuning into ESPN @ 5 PM Saturday to see #4 Villanova hosting #5 Oklahoma.

Note: the "Coaches vs. Cancer Classic" is not to be confused with the Eagles' Andy Reid and Terrell Owens, who were in the "Coaches vs. Team Cancer Classic".

* Why do they call some offensive linemen "tackles" when they never tackle anyone?

* When Barbara Walters was asked who cried during her interviews this year, she admitted that the mother of missing-presumed-dead-in-Aruba-Natalee-Holloway cried when talking about her daughter. She added that those tears are what keeps her alive, as she bottles them during her inteviews and uses them as a "magic elixir", to keep her going for another year of awkward celebrity interviews. Also, celebrity tears are great at getting out wine stains. Good to know.

* The Cool Google Maps blog, surprisingly, is filled with cool Google maps.

* Annoying ESPN commentator and former Dallas Cowboys WR Michael Irvin got pulled over for speeding on Sunday night, and a crack pipe was found in his car, which he claimed was not his. He was at work at ESPN the next day. I have a feeling, if I had the same list of priors, I would have been treated differently . . .

* Did you see the through-the-legs Malik goal, which gave the Rangers a shootout win in the 15th round on Saturday night? I'm still looking for a video link to it, but trust me, it was sick (which means "great", apparently, although I don't endorse getting sick).

I'll keep this short and simple. Until they get rid of video review, I am finished with the NFL. Thank you and good night.

FROZEN TURKEY

We (me) here at the Open Hockey blog try to come up with original comedy, and sometimes it's hard. I usually attack easy targets like dumb athletes and bad marketing practices, which is by nature always negative. But I notice that most blogs/websites nowadays just link to other sites that they like, which is lame and totally unoriginal. As entertaining as sites like Deadspin and YAYfootball! are, they pretty much only exist to link to other sites. So dammit, I'm all for following trends especially if they're based on complete laziness, so I'm going to have to start doing that more!
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Even though my calendar says fall, it's a damn filthy liar! Because the last time I checked, it seems like winter is here already. Yes, it's that magic time of year when your lips crack, peel and fall off completely, and the wind hits your eye like a big frozen pie, as bitter Alberta clippers rudely cross the northern border without provocation or invitation, like Jim Carrey or Alanis Morrisette. It's currently below freezing here in the Northeast, and a rain/snow mix is predicted for tonight and tomorrow, but it could be worse: you could be manning the Mount Washington Observatory. This permanently manned weather station in New Hampshire is home of some of the most extreme weather ever recorded, including the current world record wind gust of 231 (April 1934). Yes, you read that right. Last year they had a wind chill recording of -324789 or something. Great pictures, great journal, great site.
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I heard people were lining up around the block to buy something called an "Icebox 360". What is this? I've got a refrigerator at home, and I don't have to keep buying blocks of ice to keep my perishables cold, I just plug it in and it does all the work for me! What's the big deal? It seems there's always some stupid hot Xmas gift, whether it's a Cabbage Patch kid or a crossbow, that everyone just has to buy regardless of how practical it is.

Oh, I was just informed that it's the "XBOX 360" that everyone is apeshit over. My mistake. Well, I'm just going to stick to my Playstation Tecmo Super Bowl, thanks.
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I warned you about November March Madness. But did you people listen, and get your booster shot? Of course you didn't, you never listen to me!! Well, the madness hit one of the Hawaiian islands hard last night in the guise of a triple overtime thriller with Gonzaga outlasting Michigan State, 109-106. You have to love the Maui Classic, which looks like it's played in a high school gym, must be a great atmosphere. And if you don't like it, you can go outside and you're in FREAKING HAWAII. Anyway, I tuned in with about 10 minutes left in regulation, but unfortunately I got sidetracked by online holiday shopping and missed the ending. Damn you, Jebus!!!

I always enjoy a good Syracuse upset, this time it was a loss at the hands of Bucknell, in the Carrier Dome no less. Last year's tournament was filled with unbelieveable underdogs and classic moments (including the phantom "traveling" call against Villanova to allow NC to advance and eventually win it all), and hopefully this is a sign of things to come this NCAA season. Oh, the sheer madness of it all.
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The way the media is reporting Oprah's long-awaited December 1 appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman", you'd think the planet was going to stop spinning. Although it would be great if Dave exposed her for the fraud that she is, and ridiculed for telling America's spineless female population what to do, how to think, and which books to read, I'm sure it will start off with some good natured ribbing and finish off with some good ol' show biz ass-kissing. I'm hoping that they'll use her for a segment of "Will It Float?" or maybe throw her off a three story building while Crispin Glover kicks her . . . but it doesn't look like that's in the cards.
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People always type "LOL", in IMs or in emails, but are they really laughing out loud? I infrequently chortle audibly, unless there's a particularly humourous Stewie Griffin comment on "The Family Guy", or a wacky cat does something crazy on the newest runaway hit show on Animal Planet, "America's Stupidest Animals". So I rarely if ever type "LOL", but it just wouldn't be honest. But for clarity, I decree that everyone must use the acronym "LLOL", for "literally laughing out loud", when one truly experiences an outburst of intelligible guffawing. It's the right thing to do.
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Lastings Milledge. Lastings Milledge. If I hear one more freaking New York Mets fan saying that they'd better not trade minor league prospect Lastings Milledge to get anyone worthwhile, I'm going to vomit. They're talking like this guy is a no-brainer-All-Star-All-World-Hall-of-Famer, the next Darryl Strawberry (minus the rampant drug abuse). Look, you're not a scout. You never saw him play. You don't know if he can even play in the majors (all you did was read his A ball stats in Baseball Weekly once). You sit in the upper deck, yet still scream at the umps assuming they have superhuman hearing. So shut up already and just enjoy your overpaid and overhyped lineup of Pedro, Beltran, Delgado (who they're apparently trading young first baseman Mike Jacobs to get-ugh), Molina, Banderas and whatever other Latino players will make Manny want to sign up. As long as all this gives Omar Manaya a warm tropical fuzzy feeling inside, I'm happy for him. Whatever. I'm through watching this bunch of perennial pretenders, and I'm just watching golf next summer.

Speaking of, famous Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld was on WFAN with Steve Somers yesterday, making for some very funny sports-related comedy. "Yankees fans are usually well-dressed, confident, always concerned about winning. Mets fans, they have trouble tucking the shirt into the pants. Have you seen Mets fans? They're not a good looking bunch. There's always a mustard stain somewhere."
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If I could be a store, I would be Bath and Body Works. Chicks would love me, and I would always smell great.
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I was in the mall yesterday, the calm before the shopping storm so to speak, so please allow me to (re)state the obvious: Christmas is a crazy freaking holiday. The merchandising money alone that Jesus must make, that could bring anyone back from the dead! But other holidays at this time of year seem to get swept under the rug. Yes, there are a few dusty Hanukkah trinkets around, but they're severly overshadowed. For instance, you never see a Kwanzaa mug, or a "Baby's First Ramadan" bib. Maybe they have them, but they're obscured by the sheer tonnage of Xmas crap that gets dumped into the mall.

BEATALLICA

Whatever happened to the Slappin' Mammys, who did heavy metal covers of Al Jolson songs? Sadly, no one knows. Oh well, there's always Beatallica, who are kind of a cross between Spinal Tap and The Rutles. The guy actually sounds like Hetfield, it's hilarious. I especially like Everybody's Got A Ticket To Ride Except For Me And My Lightning, but it's hard to choose just one, so try out A Garage Dayz Nite too. A friend of mine noted that they missed an opportunity to call themselves "The Meatles", but that's another story. They're playing in NYC on December 2rd, or you could just get them for free on the website.

THIS IS THE REASON WHY GUYS WANT TO BE QBs

Eli Manning. Drunk and hanging on some blonde chick. Hilarious.

DO YOU WANNA PUCK ME?

Elisha Cuthbert, star of "The Girl Next Door" and "24" (with a brief appearance in "Old School"), has her own hockey blog. That's right, she's a freaking maple syrup chugging, back bacon loving, Molson swilling Canuck! Oh boy, this has GOT to be good, right? So let's take a look at her deep hockey insights from the NHL site:

I try really hard after the games not to make too many comments about how I thought the guys preformed. I mean I don't know how I'd feel if one them came up to me after a scene and said, "I don't know if that was believable enough." Then again, who am I kidding? I sneak in comments all the time, for example: "Nice game, not so much, why did you fight him? That wasn't right, if I were you I would of knocked him out, too!!!" Then there's the little pep talks like, "Your nose doesn't look that bad dude, the girls won't notice" and "Who needs that tooth anyway?"

Oh. Never mind, let's just take a look at HER, eh?

FAKIN' IT

ESPN "SportsCenter" has been doing "fake" press conferences this week, with former Mets GM Steve Phillips answering questions as if he was the GM for several MLB teams (the Yankees, the Cubs, Red Sox, etc.). (Of course, the Red Sox job is open, but I doubt Steve is going to be let near a major league team any time soon, and this fake shit can't look good on his resume.) Not only that, but they made ACTUAL SPORTS REPORTERS, Buster Olney and Jeremy Schaap, ask questions! Holy craap. Who thought this was a good idea? I guess ESPN's thinking is, if you can't get any ACTUAL sports news, why not just make shit up? I don't understand what's happened to SportsCenter, and the whole of ESPN for that matter, but it's turned into a complete pile of garbage. Between the endless pregame shows, poker tourneys, and "analysis" featuring assholes (Michael Irvin) blindly defending other assholes (Terrell Owens), I can't stomach it anymore. Three words to ESPN: JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS!
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Speaking of fake, NBC showed a special Sunday episode of their political drama "The West Wing", fake debate featuring their two presidental candidates, played by Alan Alda and Jimmy Smits. It aired live and was even hosted by an actual NBC newsman, Forrest Sawyer. I don't know how the ratings were, but no doubt it had more viewers than a real debate would. However, this is the most disturbing thing I've heard about it: "By 2-to-1, Sunday's viewers told [polling company] Zogby that they preferred watching a fictional presidential debate to the real thing." (from CNN.com). Holy crap, this country is getting stupider by the day.
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So let's talk about the real ELECTION DAY, when we, the people, get to speak out and be heard! Sort of. Not only did Californians vote down some major reforms by the Schwarzenegger administration (now, say those last two words out loud: it's fucked up, right?), but Mayor Bloomberg won the NYC re-election in a landslide, which I guess is, uhm, not totally unreasonable. But my favorite topic by far is the teaching of science in our schools, primarily, the theory of evolution. For every one of these stories:

Pennsylvania voters oust school board (11.09.2005): Voters came down hard Tuesday on school board members who backed a statement on intelligent design being read in biology class, ousting eight Republicans and replacing them with Democrats who want the concept stripped from the science curriculum.

. . . there is, unfortunately, one of these:

Kansas school board redefines science (11.08.2005): At the risk of re-igniting the same heated nationwide debate it sparked six years ago, the Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.

I can't believe these two diametrically opposed curricula are being taught simultaneously in the SAME COUNTRY. It's beyond crazy. I think I'd rather live in the fake country run by Jimmy Smits.
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Speaking of fake breasts (okay, not the best segue, I admit), two Panthers cheerleaders were arrested this weekend for causing a disturbance at a bar after allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall. Beer, football, lesbian cheerleaders--what else is there? I have to go. I can't even concentrate on typing this blog anymore.

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ROCK N' ROLL STINGER
McCartney to beam concert into space

And let's hope it stays there!

GRAND OL' FUNK

Homer Simpson once described Grand Funk Railroad as: "Mark Farner's wild, shirtless lyrics, the bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher, the competent drumming of Don Brewer!" Well, you didn't have to consult your local library to find out more about them, because believe it or not, they were playing live in Bergen County, New Jersey this week! Although, they turned down the volume, so I doubt too many bongs were rattled.

BLOG SIMULATED

What is the point of commercials for TVs that try to show you their incredible picture quality? Don't they realize that if I'm watching it on a crappy TV, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE CRAP?!? I can understand if they're pointing out some new feature (like the Philips Ambilight), or advertising that they've dropped the price. Not only that, they're lying to us anyway, since there's always a disclaimer that says "picture simulated". So what the hell is the point? The irony is that the only person who could possibly appreciate the great ("simulated") picture is someone who doesn't need even it, and already owns a high quality TV.
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Just to remind you what a bottomless pit of nothingness current TV programming is, William Shatner has won 2 Emmys. That's right: in the final analysis of all the actors in the business, they couldn't find anyone who could possibly top ol' Bill. Twice.
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Idea for a USC football T-shirt: if you want BUSH you need the TROJANS.

(Soon-to-be-Heisman-winner Reggie Bush, that is. Get it???)

I'm sure there's a USC student silkscreening these in the basement of a frat house right now.
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The Houston Astros, in losing to the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series, were the first World Series team since the 1954 Yankees without a black player on their roster. Since blacks now only represent 9% of all current baseball players, that's not an unbelieveable occurance, but it's still puzzling. Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 explains the reason:

[My friend] noticed something during the ALCS: The Astros don't have a single African-American player on their playoff roster. Not a one. The lesson, as always: Roger Clemens hates blacks. (I'm just kidding. He doesn't hate blacks. Just looked funny in print.) But that is pretty strange. All white guys and Latin players? I'm dying for Buck to read a graphic like, "Time for today's Old Spice Fact of the Day: The last team to win a World Series without any African-American players was the 1949 New York Yankees."

As you know, the underachieving collection of all-stars known as the 2005 New York Yankees not only lost to the Angels in the ALDS, but also somehow managed to lose 11 of 19 games to the woeful 67-95 Tampa Bay Devil Rays during the regular season. All I have to say about that is: if you don't take out the garbage, you can't complain about the stink.
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Alexei Zhitnik signed with the New York Islanders this season after 10 years with the Buffalo Sabres. Although he initially said the team was "on the top of his list" (don't they all say that, once the check clears?), he later said one of the main reasons for signing with another NY team is that he "wouldn't have to change his license" (according to Islanders Radio). That's right, he turned down potentially better offers with other hockey teams just so he wouldn't have to put up with the hassle of going to DMV! I think Mr. Bookless would agree with him, after having to make several frustrating trips to the Connecticut DMV, and the Social Security office, just to prove that "TOM BOOKLESS" and "THOMAS BOOKLESS" were the same person. Kris Salo had an easier time getting a CT license (using Tom's address) . . . and he lives in freaking FRANCE! Bureaucracy at its finest.
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Apparently, one of Viagra's new slogans is "Play hard" (or maybe this is only for those who visit the ESPN website). Oh, that's funny, because it has a double meaning! Ha ha! Sweet lord, can we put an end these dick drug ads (for any pharmaceutical product for that matter), once and for all?