SIXTEEN TEAMS AND WHADDA YA GET?

A crappy bracket and $20 dollars deeper in debt. NCAARRGGHH!!!
As the dust settles after a dizzying upset-laden first two rounds of the NCAA tournament, and the smoke clears after burning my horrible bracket sheets, let's take a look at who's still alive in the NCAA tourney. All the #1 seeds advanced, including Villanova, who beat a scrappy Arizona team on Sunday to make it to the Sweet 16. (I don't understand how a #1 seed who wins two games gets rewarded by having to travel to Minnesota, while #11 George Mason gets to play at home in D.C., but maybe that's just me.) While the Ron Mexico bracket got Pittsnogeled, the District is missing their #2, #3 and #4 seeds, which should make it relatively easy for UConn to reach the Final Four (if GAY decides to play like a MAN). The Black Hole features an intriguing #3 Gonzaga/#2 UCLA matchup, and the weakest #1 seed, Memphis, gets a pesky Bradley Braves team.

Speaking of, the Missouri Valley Conference made the most of their at large bids, with Bradley and Wichita State playing excellent ball, causing Jim Nantz to, uhm, sort of apologized, saying his "words didn't play in Peoria". I guess he was trying to be funny (Bradley is located there), but JUST ONCE I wish these guys would say, "I was completely wrong, sorry about ripping the selection committee, great job guys!" But at least he said SOMETHING; Billy Packer, on the other hand, was completely silent regarding the matter. Oh, and while we're at it, screw the Big Ten (the #1 conference according to the RPI, which means it's as good a statistical tool as the useless BCS) and all their crappy bracket-killing teams (bye bye, Ohio State, Iowa, Illinois, and Indiana!). And let's face it, the ACC only sent Duke to the Sweet 16, because BC is still a Big East team as far as I'm concerned.

Again, what is the argument for wanting more big conference teams and less mid-majors in the Dance? The whole reason we watch is for the chance that these smaller schools will knock off the big guys, like Northwestern State burying a 3 from the corner to beat Iowa, and Bradley completely outplaying both Kansas and Pitt. We tune in to watch the underdogs try to pull off the huge upset, like the Albany Great Danes hanging tough against UConn, even though we know they were going to lose since Scooby Doo is their mascot. Personally, I want to watch a tournament that features schools from every conference, including those I didn't know existed and certainly couldn't locate on a map, because that's what makes it the greatest sporting event in the world. Otherwise, let's call it the "ACC/Big Ten/Big 12/Big East/Pac 10/SEC Bracket Challenge", and send everyone else to the NIT.

Our annual First Round Friday was another successful endeavor, with James Joyce hosting this year's festivities. It did get off to a slow start, though, as Rob called a cab to pick us up from his apartment, and the driver promptly missed the entrance to the Tappan Zee Bridge. When we pointed this out, he said "he had to get gas"--fair enough, since it's not a short trip. But after driving past 3 gas stations and back into the town of Nyack, we asked him where in hell he was taking us. He then explained that he got a ticket while picking up his lunch, and and he had to go back to talk to the cops. Are you kidding me? And when exactly was he planning on telling us this? So I told him just to drop us off at O'Malley's, and from there we WALKED to another cab company to finally get over the river. Unbelievable.

Anyway, all was well once we finally made it to White Plains, and our enviable spot at the end of the bar at JJ was hard to beat (and it was a good place for Sean Keenan to spend his first St. Patrick's Day). It ended up being a 9 hour long drink-a-thon, which prompted Rob to ask the next day if he'd been hit by a bus; I couldn't remember, but I know we were hit with 4 cabs. However, the next morning I ended up with an expected hangover and an unexpected $20 parking ticket. That's what I get for doing the right thing, not driving and crashing at Rob's place, and committing the sin of leaving my car there from 3:00-6:00 AM. This is one reason why people end up drinking and driving, because they make it so incredibly difficult and expensive. Why can't cities pay for the cabs? They make more than enough money on parking tickets (which go up every month, it seems). Or make it a free service as long as the bar calls the cab for you, and give them a tax break in return. Instead, I get an "alternate side" ticket for sleeping it off. Seriously, did they want me to get behind the wheel after drinking all day? You can't win.

Just a couple of questions for CBS regarding their NCAA coverage:

1) Why is it so hard to figure out what games are going to be on? Yes, the highest seeded team of local interest is usually featured, but on Thursday I realized late in the game that the CBS analog channel was showing a different game (Iona vs. LSU) than the HD channel (George Mason vs. UNC-Wilmington); of course, nobody mentions this, and there's no easy way to find out this info. Why must they treat it as if it's a big secret? And while the MMOD was pretty good, it blacks out the game that the local affiliate is showing--I thought the point was that you could watch this if you WEREN'T near a TV.

2) Can we show more of the actual game, instead of constant cutaway reaction shots of the coaches' wives (I could honestly pick the Alabama and UCLA wives out of a lineup, if necessary) and Rollie Massimino?

3) When a team calls a 30 second timeout at the very end of a tight game, JUST ONCE CAN YOU STAY WITH THE GAME INSTEAD OF SHOWING ANOTHER FRIGGING COMMERCIAL? I know, you guys paid $8 billion for the tourney, but how about you let the game breathe a little, so we can feel a little of the tension in the arena, take a look at how the two teams and see how they're setting up to win the game, instead of interrupting it to cram another ad down our throats? And it's the same sickening commercials over and over again, the worst of which is the "Applebee's guys", as Deadspin would concur. Watching/listening to those two fucking dorks not only DOESN'T make me want to eat shrimp at that awful restaurant, it also makes me want to blow my brains out. Of course, not before I shoot them both first . . . after which I would probably feel considerably better and change my mind about killing myself.

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I realize that this blog entry is a little NCAA-centric, so let me mix it up a little with some golf and mention how awful I felt about Greg Owen's collapse on the 17th and 18th holes at the Bay Hill Tournament yesterday. The article and accompanying photo says it all.
Standing on the tee at the par-3 17th hole, Owen was cruising along at 6-under par for the day, and he led Pampling by a stroke after beginning the final round four behind the determined Aussie. Though Owen missed the green just short, Pampling's approach sailed long and eventually he bogeyed. After a stellar chip to three feet, Owen had destiny on his putter. Make the putt and he is up two with one to go.

But he missed the putt. Then, without lining up the 2-foot comeback try, he inexplicably missed again, the ball circumnavigating the cup and sitting defiantly on the lip. Double bogey. The two men were tied. Owen was tied up in knots.

Even Pampling was in shock. "You never want to see anyone do that," he said. Pampling would make a routine par at the 18th. Owen, after hitting his second shot on the difficult par-4 home hole into the back left bunker, splashed out to 13 feet. His par putt to tie was in ... until the last few inches, and then it, too, hit the lip and spun out. After firing a third-round 67 that put him in the third of the hunt Saturday, Owen, who has a home in nearby Windermere, said, "the golfing gods will tell me if it's my time to win."

We've all had something similar happen to us, but a horrible three-putt never cost anyone $396,000 dollars. In fact, I felt worse for him than I did for Iowa Hawkeyes fans on Friday.

This final story is something that filled me with great joy: I know, it's way too freaking early to talk about the NFL, but the Dallas Cowobys signed Terrell Owens for three years. It couldn't happen to a nicer team! Considering his track record, seeing how SF and Philly ended up after he left, and adding his tremendous ego to those of Jones and Parcells, how could anything possibleye go wrong? Uhm, possibly. Anyway, good luck, Bill!

MERE MOMENTS TO MADNESS

It's finally that time, less than an hour away from the beginning of TOTAL MADNESS!!! It's like the first day of Christmas for college basketball fans. Or maybe it's Thanksgiving, and the final four is Christmas Eve. Either way, that Wildcat logo scares me, and hopefully it instills the same fear in the rest of the field. Deadspin gave a little shout-out to Villanova on their Mall Of America region breakdown: "We love Villanova and think the college basketball world is a better place when the Wildcats are good." Couldn't have said it better myself.

By the way, why do people that work at bars have absolutely no clue about sporting events? Sure, they don't mind people coming in to watch them, and they frequently run "promo" specials during them, but they don't know when anything is on, what channels are what, or if they even have access to it. It's irritating (and don't get me started with the whole "HD" fiasco). I called the Lexington Pub & Grill yesterday afternoon to find out if they have "Mega March Madness", the DirecTV package that gives you access to every game during the first couple of rounds. Here's our basic conversation:

ME: "Hi! For the NCAA tournament this weekend, do you have the Mega March Madness?"
WOMAN AT LEX: "Yeah, we have satellite, cable, and so we usually get everything."
ME: "But that's a package that DirecTV has, did you guys sign up for that?"
WOMAN AT LEX: "Oh, really? I don't know, and I'm the only one here."
(even though there's someone in the background that she's talking to after every question I ask)
ME: "Can I talk to someone who knows?"
WOMAN AT LEX: "Call the night bartender at 7, maybe they know."

AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Why why why why can't anyone GET IT RIGHT?!?!? Rob said that maybe we're the only ones who care, but I think that's a lame excuse, because if you own a bar, and most of your patrons watch sports, YOU SHOULD CARE.

Oh, my picks are going to suck again this year, making it about 20 years in a row without winning it all. Has everyone signed up for CBS/NCAA MMOD? I did, but who knows if I can even get in. Oh well.

LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!

MADNESS: OUR HOUSE

We're down to less than 24 hours to the beginning of the NCAA Tournament, and about 50 hours until Villanova plays their first round game at the Wachovia Center (which is technically not their "backyard" or "house", despite the reports). Can you feel the excitement? Can you smell the fear? Can you taste the rainbow? More NCAA trivia that I gleaned (stole) from Deadspin.com:

• Georgetown used to be called the "Hilltoppers" before writers for the school paper shortened it to "Hoyas" (huh???);
• A Saluki, the Southern Illinois mascot, is a breed of dog originating from Egypt;
• The hideous striped clown pants that Indiana wears during warmups are only $144.99 (plus S&H);
• The Academic Final Four (the top 4 teams that have the highest graduating percentage) are Bucknell, UNC-Wilmington, Illinois and Villanova. Congratulations, 2006 National Champions, the Bucknell Bison!

Of course, don't miss the Deadpsin Pants Party factoids about Villanova and Monmouth.
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The Monmouth Hawks beat Hampton Pirates in the "play-in game" last night for the priviledge to face #1 Villanova in the Wachovia Center on Friday. According to CBS Sportsline, this is "the first NCAA tournament win for a NEC team since 1984". Are they really considering the play-in game a "tournament game"? Because I'm not. But they can raise a banner if they want. Knock yourself out.

Chris Kenny set an opening-round record with six 3-pointers (again, is this really the "first round"? I don't think so), but the most intriguing player was Hawks junior John Bunch, who had 5 blocks and easily dwarfed the other players on the court at 7' 2" and 320 pounds. Apparently, he never played high school ball and was working at a movie theater showing "Ice Age" when a college coach's wife noticed him and passed his name along. Wow.
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Miss Deaf Texas was struck and killed by train, despite the engineer repeatedly sounding the horn to warn her. Well, uhm, I don't think she heard it.
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This blog has done an exhaustive (and exhausting) analysis of the baseball game in the classic 1946 cartoon "Baseball Bugs". Among the facts of the game:

• The Gorillas hold a 54-0 lead after four innings. That is far ahead of the previous all-time scoring record for a team in a game (held by the Chicago Colts, who scored 36 against Louisville in four innings on June 29th, 1897).
• For some reason, the Gorillas are allowed to smoke cigars during play.
• In the carnage, even Gorilla coaches, bat boys and other uniformed staff are able to bat and hit against the weak Tea Totaller pitching.
• We are introduced to both the shabby state of the grounds keeping and of stadium security at the Polo Grounds, as we see an angry rabbit (Bugs Bunny, RHP/UT) is able to heckle the visiting team from left field, where he has dug a fairly substantial hole.
• Bunny’s pitching line: 5 IP, 0 R, 0 H, 3K, 0 BB, 0 HR.
• One Gorillas hitter uses the largest bat ever known to be used in a baseball game — actually a tree — estimated to be 20 feet long, three feet in diameter and just shy of 5,000 pounds.

I don't know what to say except: outstanding!
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In the world of post-Olympic NHL hockey, the Devils and Rangers have both hit the skids. Last night, the Islanders beat the Devils for the 6th time in 8 tries (!) this season, and Marty "Team Canada" Brodeur gave up 5 goals on 23 shots. Meanwhile, the Rangers have lost 6 in a row, the latest a 5-3 defeat at the hands of the first place Carolina Hurricanes, who have the league's best home record (a stellar 27-5-1 in Raleigh). This effectively cancels out the 7 game winning streak that preceded it. During the 7 wins, Jagr had 15 points (9 G, 6 A), while he has only 3 points (2 G, 1 A) during the 6 losses. I still hope these two teams meet in the playoffs, but I wouldn't etch their names in the Cup just yet. The Sabres continue to play well, however . . .
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On 3/3/2006, it was 19° overnight. On 3/10/2006, it was 70° during the day. This Friday, 3/17, they're forecasting 36° and snow. Yes, the Earth is completely off kilter and spinning off its axis, so we should be hurtling into the Sun at any minute. Just wanted to warn you. I would recommend you pack some SPF 50 and a goose down parka.

DESCENDING INTO MARCH MADNESS

It's finally here!!!

The 2006 NCAA tournament starts this Thursday! I'm not going to mince words here: this is my favorite sporting event of the year, the only one for which I happily burn a personal day to properly enjoy. And with my alma mater Villanova University earning one of the four coveted #1 seeds, it should be an extra special, and emotionally draining, hoops hullabaloo. The 'Cats play in the early afternoon on NCAA First Round Friday, which also coincides with St. Patrick's Day this year--in other words, it's going to be a long day, and a long weekend as they scrap and claw to make it to the Sweet Sixteen. My friends and family probably won't want to talk to me until this thing is over.

You may have heard about 'Nova guard Allan Ray's eye injury in their Big East Tourney loss to Pitt on Saturday. But as painful as it is to read about (Coach Jay Wright says "the knuckle got underneath his eye"--yeeouch!), you really need to see the eye-popping injury for yourself, right here! Someone said that white thing you see is his eyelid folding back, others say it's his eyeball coming out of the socket. Either way, it hurts just looking at it. But he apparently suffered no corneal damage and he's cleared to play without needing goggles. Yikes.

Whenever this tourney comes around, it seems everyone has some bone to pick with the NCAA, from Bryant Gumbel bitching about the money the big conferences get, to every "analyst" with a pulse is steaming over who got picked and who got overlooked. I even purposely timed it so I was in the car during the CBS Selection Show, because it's turned into a drawn out circus of a show, with excruciating "live reaction shots" a-plenty. I heard Jim Nantz jumped out of his pants when he heard the Missouri Valley Conference got as many teams as the ACC (4), Clark Kellogg picked all four #1 seeds to make the Final Four (has he ever seen the tourney before?) and that Billy Packer may have been drunk, as he talked about the Arizona-Wisconsin matchup . . . which they hadn't announced yet. Oops. Of course, I was stuck listening to Mike Francesser and the Angry Puppy on the radio (who was livid about Hofstra's omission--oh, please), so I didn't escape unscathed. Screw them all, I'm not letting them shit on my parade.

Deadspin, bless their little souls, has done a cracking bang-up job with their NCAA Tournament "Pants Party" previews of the matchups, with an army of writers giving facts about the schools that you can't get anywhere else, like:
* Iona's 94 year old trainer J.B. Buono, who claims to have had sex with Hitler's main squeeze Eva Braun;
* UCLA is only 3-4 against teams with "S" or "H" in their names (21-2 otherwise, meaning they certainly don't want to face Memphis or Kansas);
* The Wichita State Shockers mascot, WuShock, is a shock of wheat, and is not affiliated in anyway with the "three finger shocker".

And folks, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Deadspin even has their own printable bracket (pick J.J Redick!), and a Deadspin Pants Party ESPN bracket group (which I joined) with group names like "On A Mission From God Shammgod", "Bilas Loves Length", "Candygram for Mongo" and "Allan Ray's Good Eye". God bless Deadspin, I don't know how I lived without them.

At the other end of the spectrum, ESPN has become an embarrassment in a myriad of ways, and this holds true with the NCAA tournament too. This is probably because they can't show the games anymore (CBS spent over $6 BILLION for the rights through 2011), but they're out of touch, and reduced to sitting on their hands watching CBS just like everyone else. The best they could do on Selection Sunday is to fly Dick Vitale from the Big 10 Tournament to the ESPN studio two hours later to get his insight. Well, it appears his insight didn't make the flight, as it appeared that he didn't even have time to read the brackets on the way (he kept asking where Cincinnati was--uhm, they didn't make it). Also, ESPN Bracketologist Joe Lunardi needs to find another job after stinking up the joint this year (they even removed the link to this page). For some reason, he also had sub-par St. Joseph's as a bubble team--oh, and he just happens to be the assistant vice president for university communications there! Conflict of interest anyone?

As for the brackets, I still hate the "city" names for the four regions (Atlanta, Oakland, Washington DC, Minneapolis), so I'm renaming them Ron Mexico, Black Hole, The District, and the Mall Of America regions. Thankfully, they're going back to the old school names next year. But overall, I think it's a pretty good looking field, and I would watch out for Iowa, UConn, and LSU. And don't count out Ohio State, UNC, and of course, Villanova. V for Villanova, V for Victory!!!

At least, that's what I'm hoping.

VIDEOS: MR. PIBB + RED VINES = CRAZY DELICIOUS

I read that this "Lazy Sunday" video was "funniest thing in the last 5 years on SNL". Oh yeah? Personally, I thought Ashlee Simpson's lip synching fuck up was hilarious. But when someone said it was "better than 'More Cowbell'", I had to seek it out and see for myself. Well, in my opinion, it's right up there. We love the Chronic-(WHAT?)-cles of Narnia! You could call us Aaron Burr by the way we're droppin' Hamiltons! (DivX codec needed to view) (streaming version here)

In my e-travels, I also found some other videos, like this live action Simpsons opening montage. A lot of Brits had too much time on their hands making this one. Well done, old boy! (I see this is actually featured on Yahoo today, but I started this back on March 9, way ahead of them. So there.)

Hockey clips are always enjoyable, especially this empty net goal breakaway--oops.

From "The Colbert Report", Stephen Colbert debates the topic of torture with a "Formidable Opponent"--himself.

And I had no idea that Natalie Portman has a dirty mouth.

LET'S BEER WITH MUSIC!

As long as the music isn't blaring club music, that sounds okay.

SATAN'S SPAWN AND THE DEVILS' NEMESIS

New York Islander Miroslav Satan's wife just hatched what appears to be a normal baby boy. Contrary to rumors, they named their Satanic beelzebaby "Miroslav, Jr." and NOT Damien. On the ice, Satan seems to have the number of the Devils' Brodeur, as he scored shootout goals to help the Isles win the last two meetings against the Devils. And I have to say, it's kind of bizarre to see the Rangers and Sabres in the top 6 of the SI.com NHL power rankings, but there it is. The Rangers would meet the Devils in the first round of the playoffs "if the season ended today". I love that statement, and one of these days they should actually do that:

"Yeah, hi, is this the Anaheim Mighty Ducks? This is Commissioner Bettman, and I've decided that we're going to end the season today. Well, I just think everyone is just kind of bored with it, and it's Sweeps Month so I think it's time we start the Stanley Cup playoffs. I hope this weekend works for you guys. Thanks! Oh, and call the next team on the list, I think it's Atlanta."

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In order for this blog to live up to Kris Salo's R-rating (I thought it was a solid PG-13), let me just say FUCK Barry Bonds' "man bag" AND baseball, and screw the NFL labor talks, it's time for the 2006 BIG EAST TOURNAMENT. In the first game, Syracuse knocked Cincinnati out of it on a stunning 3 pointer by Jerry McNamara with 0.3 seconds left to kick it off in mad crazy style. They'll meet UConn tomorrow, and the rest of the matchups are:
Villanova vs. Rutgers/S. Hall winner, Marquette vs. Georgetown/ND winner, W. Virginia vs. Pitt/Louisville winner. Of course, this means more to the bubble teams (the Hall, the Cuse, the Bearcats), than those already in the Big Dance. But since there's a chance 8 teams could represent this conference come Selection Sunday, you're not going to find more college basketball talent in one building than MSG will feature this weekend. Pure madness!

Here are the full Division I men's basketball standings so you can get your bracketology started early, and reacquaint yourself with the Salukis, the Great Danes, and the Quakers. Oral Roberts? You bet!

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Here are the SI.com Golf Power Rankings! Okay, this list actually sucks (most of the "Top 9" are a joke, with two women, a commentator and a caddie in there), but at least it's golf. I liked Penn & Teller's Ford commercials, which injected some humor into an otherwise dull, Tiger's-got-it-locked-up, final round.

Speaking of, it's now only ONE MONTH TO THE MASTERS, which will be the first golf tournament we'll get to see broadcast in glorious widescreen HD. Apparently some of the greats are ripping the new changes to the old Augusta course. According to the April issue of Golf Digest, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer are both "disappointed that they've not been consulted on any of the recent changes that have occurred to the course, despite the fact that (or maybe because) they're both golf course architects. Nicklaus says some changes, which were supervised by consulting golf architect Tom Fazio, looked as if they were done 'by somebody who doesn't know how to play golf.'"

Ouch. I don't think these statements are completely fair; I think the older players are not really in touch with today's game, and may be a little blinded by their own nostalgia. First of all, there's no avoiding the fact that these courses have to be made longer; Nicklaus sells his own brand of golf clubs, so he should know how much the equipment has changed this game. I watched Villegas hit the green on the 245 yard par 3 13th with a freaking 5 iron, and this is a guy who, compared to the rest of the field, is built like a jockey (5' 9"/160). At 7,445 yards, the par 72 Augusta National course is 155 yards longer than it was in 2005, and 520 yards more than in 1997 (Tiger's first win). The six holes changed this year have all had the tee boxes moved back, anywhere from 10 to 35 yards. Of course, length isn't the only way to make a course more challenging: increasing the length of the second cut of rough, and making the putting surface quicker, both can work.

Regardless, there's no way to compare today's clubs and courses to the days when Arnie and the Golden Bear ruled the roost with their persimmon woods and mashie niblicks, so I think we're going to have to live with it. At least they're moving the tee boxes back to make it harder, and not moving the fences in, turning their sport into a cartoonish shell of its former self (Major League Baseball, I'm looking at you).

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It cracks me up when people get aggressively hideous tattoos just to draw attention to themselves. However, it's even funnier when they get "Asian" symbols permanently grafted to their skin when they're not even sure what they mean. This website attempts to translate into English some of the Japanese and Chinese characters that people are getting inked nowadays. Some of the results, unbeknownst to the recipient, are quite funny and completely unreadable and/or nonsensical, like the fake Justin Timberlake tat that says "ice skating" (which is meant to make him look "bad ass" for a movie role). Oh, and be sure to check out Engrish.com, for the unintentionally hilarious attempts by various Asian businesses to encorporate English into their ads and signs (which is the opposite of the above website).

FOSSILS TRAPPED IN AMBER

The sense of smell, they say, is very closely tied to memory. Well, the other day I had some Orville Redenbacher's Microwave Popcorn (not my first choice, but Target doesn't have non-microwaveable popcorn, for some odd reason), and the smell wafting from the kitchen reminded me of playing computer games in my teenage years, in the house on Craig Street in Hazlet, NJ where I spent my formative years (10-18). Very strange. Sweet Jebus, what hallucinogens does Orville put in that shit?

The funniest thing is the actual games I used to spend hours upon hours playing, like Lode Runner and Ultima III. I mean, just take a look at this crap screen shot of the "pub" in this ancient RPG. This is the full color version, which I couldn't even enjoy on the amber monochrome screen of my old IBM Portable PC. This game was so primitive yet so addicting, and imminently playable, a quality lacking in most games. It's hard to believe, but I used to play this until dawn during the summer, when I was 15 or so. I even remembered my foolproof way of avoiding the death of your characters: just eject the 5¼" floppy disk from the drive before it got a chance to save it; since there was no hard drive, this worked every time! Check out the specs on this bad boy:

Introduced: February 1984
Price: US $4225
Weight: 30 pounds
CPU: Intel 8088 @ 4.77MHz
RAM: 256K, 640K max
Display: 9-inch amber display, CGA graphics, 80 X 25 text
Storage: Two 360KB 5.25-inch disk drives
Ports: 1 parallel, 1 serial, CGA video
OS: IBM PC-DOS Version 2.10 (disk)

That's right, the processor ran at a blazing fast 4.77MHz, whereas the average CPU in 2006 is 3GHz, or 3000MHz, which is about 628 times faster. Add to that the included memory being 1000 times less than today, and this gives you some idea as to how far personal computing has come. There were many other games that I played on this thing over the years, like early EA games like "Dr. J vs. Bird One-on-One", "Earl Weaver Baseball" (the first to feature MLBPA players, and actual ballpark dimensions), "Archon" and "King's Quest III". Of course, there were also the text-based adventure games like "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and "Zork", which I never finished. But Lode Runner was one of the first ones I remember playing, and Ultima III was the first one I lost a lot of sleep over.

Sorry, that was my geek moment for the day. I just had to get that out.

AMAZING RACE, HOW SWEET THE ASS

The ninth season of CBS' Amazing Race is underway, and if you haven't watched yet, I'll give you at least one reason. Actually, Kris pointed this out and I was thinking it myself: Desiree (of Team Wanda & Desiree) is a dead ringer for Natalie Portman. And by that, I mean to say she's pretty HOT (even if she's not in HD). I also think he said he'd nail her 40 year old mom too.



If that's not enough, go read host Phil Keogan's Amazing blog, where you can learn astonishing things about the Amazing Race. For instance:

"I’ve had a good breakfast. Always a good way to start any Race. For some reason a good breakfast burrito seems to work best."

Outstanding! He also said he loves "checking out the backpacks", if you know what I mean (wink wink). He stared at Lake & Michelle's "luggage" and liked what he saw, saying their "bags" were "the most condensed, very tidy looking" (nudge nudge). Oh wait, I think Lake is a guy. Never mind.

AMAZING!!!

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Speaking of amazing, it's less than a month before the baseball season, and the Amazin' Mets' "Sports Net New York" network is nowhere to be found; there's been no advertising of any sort, it doesn't show up in a Google search, and there's no definitive statement if any cable/satellite provider is even carrying it. I think the Mets new slogan should be "Hard To Believe Fans Show Up At Shea!" Meanwhile, YES Network is showing daily preseason content, including spring training games (even repeating them TWICE!!!) and a new show called "Yankees Batting Practice Today". Wow, that sounds fantastic. Be sure not to miss FUNGO FRIDAYS!

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They have a theme for "The Simpsons" on FOX this week: rock star episodes! They are as follows:

Flaming Moe (Aerosmith)
E-I-E-I-Annoyed Grunt (?)
Barting Over (Blink 182)
The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer (Johnny Cash)
How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (Elvis Costello, Mick Jagger, Lenny Kravitz, Tom Petty, Keith Richards and Brian Setzer)
Pranksta Rap (featuring 50 Cent!)

So no "Homerpalooza", R.E.M., Spinal Tap or Red Hot Chili Peppers? And how about "Tale of Two Springfields", with our ample parking and our daily Who concerts? Eh, I guess I could go on for days--at least there's no Kid Rock. Johnny Cash, as the Coyote, is a bit of a stretch, but it's a classic episode in which Homer hallucinates after eating a Guatamalan Insanity Pepper, and wonders if Marge is his soulmate. Wait--what rock band is in the "tomacco" episode?

* * *

Tiger Woods won the Ford Prefect Doral Championship this weekend in relatively easy fashion, only needing bogeys on the final two holes to seal the deal. He was paired with Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson on Saturday, and Lefty quickly plummeted off the leader board, finishing off the day shanking a ball into the "blue monster" on the 18th. On the final day, David Toms unleashed a horrible putt one group in front of Tiger on the 18th, and he'd eventually 3-putt to put him out of contention.

Camilo Villegas, a 24 old kid from Colombia, made a splash finishing tied for 2nd while wearing a snazzy (read: hideous) white outfit with orange shoes and belt, and was a big hit with the Latino and gay communities in Miami. This made me realize that it must be nice to be from a Latin country, because almost this entire Western Hemisphere (except for Canada and a a few sections of the USA) are a built-in fan base. Americans, on the other hand, only have other Americans rooting for them. And half of them don't like Tiger. I'm guessing this is out of jealousy, or maybe it's that his intensity drains the fun out of golf for most people (either/or). As for the rest of the field, I think they're once again afraid of him. Can't wait for the Masters, which is thankfully NOT on Easter Sunday this year, so I can watch it (IN HD!), and not listen to updates while driving home from Maine.

(Sidenote: Phil Mickelson is growing his hair long, because he said his wife likes it. What a sissy. Meanwhile, Tiger is KICKING EVERYONE'S ASS ON THE GOLF COURSE. Makes you think.)

SUFFERN HOCKEY GOING TO FINAL FOUR

Division I state quarterfinal: Suffern defeats Shenendehowa (Section 2) 3-2 in OT
By JAKE THOMASES
THE JOURNAL NEWS
(Original publication: March 5, 2006)

MONSEY — Twice, a Daniels goal was immediately followed by the end-of-period buzzer. The first time, Justin Daniels put Suffern on the board as the first period expired. The second time, Drew Daniels' goal marked the end of the fourth period. Overtime, and Shenendehowa's season, came to a buzzing halt.

If you invested in blue and white face paint recently, the money should be rolling in. A packed Sport-O-Rama was again treated to a Suffern thriller, as the Mounties turned aside Shenendehowa 3-2 in overtime.

If the painted hordes are going to watch their heroes in the hockey state semifinals they'll need to fill their gas tanks. The final four takes place at Utica Memorial Auditorium on Saturday. Suffern, ranked No. 2 in the state, will face Section 5 champion Aquinas of Rochester, which is ranked fifth.

"Like I said last week, a lot of overtime goals aren't pretty," Mounties coach Rob Schelling said. "That one was pretty." It was after Mike Conklin's long slap shot ended a double-overtime extravaganza with Clarkstown North in the sectional final that Schelling made his assessment of overtime goals. Drew Daniels countered that with yesterday's game winner.

One minute and fifty-four seconds into the extra session, Daniels had the puck inadvertently batted to him as he stood alone near the right corner. Before the opposition could recover, he came at goalie Dan Patell, skating all the way across net to the left side before clanking a wrister off the left post.

"I saw he didn't really play the angle right, so I toe-dragged him," he said. "Got lucky, beat the goalie."

Drew vies with his brother for title of best puckhandler on the team and probably in the section. Even so, Schelling didn't think he could put it in.

When he did, last season's Shenendehowa demon was officially slayed. The Mounties (26-2) were dominated by the Plainsmen (16-8-3) in this playoff round. Only an outstanding effort by The Journal News Rockland player of the year, goalie Anthony Vertullo, kept the game at 3-0.

Vertullo's replacement Tom Natoli kept his head despite learning about this whole overtime thing on the fly. His 21 saves increased in difficulty as the game wore on, as the initially-frenetic Plainsmen settled down and put some pressure on.

They came out looking to beat Suffern into submission, desperate to prove they weren't the same bunch that had lost 6-0 early in the season. Bodies flew everywhere. Ultimately too many Shen bodies wound up in the penalty box.

Suffern could do nothing with seven power plays, though. Even when two Plainsmen were sent to the box in the final minute of the first period, it looked like they would escape unscathed. But Justin Daniels lit the lamp as time expired for the lead.

To go into the locker room empty-handed after seven power plays would have drained more confidence than the Mounties' cheering section could have put back. Shen took only one penalty the rest of the game. Shen took a 2-1 lead in the third period before Justin tied the score two minutes later off a nifty feed by Nick Clark.

"We have a lot of leadership," Schelling said. "The key guys that are getting most of the ice time have played in a lot of big games. I think they don't get uptight."
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Although Rob wishes they could have done this last year, it's a great accomplishment for the Suffern Mounties. I felt sorry for Shen Goalie Dan Patell after that puck trickled over the line, but he and his teammates played a fantastic game. He wrote a nice post on the Syracuse.com forum wishing the best of luck to Suffern. Very classy kid, and that goes for the whole Shen Spartans team and their fans (I see wowbagger68 agrees with me).

Suffern will travel to the Final Four in Utica this Saturday at 3:15 PM to play Aquinas (Rochester).

OPEN HOCKEY MUSIC REPORT

Vertullo broke this story: Alice in Chains is "back"! Well, sort of. According to Jerry Cantrell's website, the remaining members (bassist Mike Inez, drummer Sean Kinney, and guitarist Cantrell) are playing together for the first time since 1996, on March 10, 2006 at the Taj Majal in Atlantic City as "Heart's special guests" with, I assume, Carrie Underwood on vocals. Uhm, no, actually, Comes With the Fall frontman William DuVall is currently the lead singer, and it's being filmed for VH1 Classic's "Decades Rock Live!". They've also announced several European rock festival tour dates in June, and as for the US, all they say "MORE TOUR DATES COMING". Personally, I'm glad I saw the original lineup at Lollapalooza '96, because it's not the same without Layne Staley (who died in 2002, which is oddly never mentioned on the offical Sony Music band bio; I guess they stopped caring once the final greatest hits collection was released). AIC reportedly turned down an offer to follow INXS's lead and audition new vocalists via CBS' Rock Star. So yeah, it could have been worse.
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Speaking of "Rock Star", Jane's Addiction is using one of their songs to sell Cooper Tires. Thankfully, they use a recent song from their latest (and not greatest) album "Strays", but it's still pretty lame. Do they need the money? Did Dave Navarro run out of the money he made digging up Michael Hutchence's grave? Should we expect "Been Caught Stealing" to be used in a LO-JACK commercial in the near future? Well, at least Perry Farrell will never have to pay for tires for his minivan ever again. I just laughed a little thinking of him behind the wheel of a Dodge Caravan, driving kids to a soccer game. Tee hee!

(While we're at it, why is Jerry Rice doing every commercial (Tiger Balm) and reality show (Dancing with the Stars, Pros vs. Joes) he can get his legendary NFL Hall of Fame hands on? Does he need the cash? Did he and Joe Montana blow through all of their 49ers money already? Does he just miss the attention?)
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I decided to sign up with eMusic music subscription service, because music-buying legend "Sloppy" Joe Davis pressured me into doing it (and hey, we each get 50 free songs). Well, it's definitely not iTunes, which is a good thing in my opinion. They offer three different monthly plans (and one limited time offer yearly plan), and none of them end up costing you more than 25¢/song (I got the 40 downloads per month for $9.99). They offer quality VBR (variable bitrate) MP3s that are universally compatible and free of DRM (Digital Rights Management protection), so you can burn them to a CD as many times as you want. Plus, since they're 100% focused on independent labels, the site isn't bogged down with stuff I don't really want, like Britney or Mariah or Kanye (I can go to BMG for that stuff). So although big names like Coldplay may be on here, their entire discography is not represented (only the indie label "Brothers and Sisters" EP from 1999 can be found); likewise, the only Johnny Cash you can find is a collection of Sun Records recordings (but who's complaining?). They claim to have 1,000,000 songs, but half of them seem to be things like the "Theme from the A-Team", or tracks from interview discs like "Maximum Audioslave". But any music site where Tom Waits is among the Top 20 artists is okay with me, because that tell me they're more about discovering music, and less about commerce.
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Every morning I play a little game with myself when I take my coffee break. 100.7 FM, The Hudson Valley's most craptacular music radio station, is always on, and I try to guess which of the following artists will come on during the time I'm up there:
a) Elton John
b) Donna Summer
c) The Bee Gees
d) Chicago
e) none of the above
You'd be surprised how often "The Four Horsemen of the Adult Soft Rock Apocalypse" get played. So far this week, it's been:
2/27: b, 2/28: a, 3/1: a, 3/2: d, 3/3: e.
Congratulations, Elton! Let me take this opportunity to post this January 1978 People magazine cover, and the bizarre line next to it:

"Elton John - He's given up touring and those nutty glasses -- but not lasses"

What? This is news to me! Since when did he like "lasses"? Hasn't Elton been gay since he came out of the womb? Wow, it sure was not acceptable to be openly gay in the 70s. How times have changed, and for the gayer!
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DiG! I'm going to come right out and say it: this movie made me hate musicians. Normally, a quality music-based movie should make you feel compelled to buy some of the music featured in it. For instance, movies like "Ray" and "Walk The Line" spiked music sales for the two artists featured, as many flocked to iTunes / Amazon.com / Best Buy for Ray Charles and Johnny Cash songs, respectively. Heck, after watching VH1's "Legends: Queen" a few years ago, I wanted to buy the band's entire catalog. But this movie had the opposite effect. It's a documentary about two rival bands, The Dandy Warhols and the Brian Jonestown Massacre, and their history together spanning 7 years. Even though it's narrated by DW's Courtney Taylor and thus may be a little biased, there's no doubt that Anton Newcombe, the head of BJM, is totally insane. He would attack the DW while they were onstage, start fights with hecklers (he kicked one in the head on camera), move in with friends without invitation, try to sell his records at the other bands' concert without consulting them, miss record company meetings because he was bombed out of his mind. (Interesting fact I learned: the one A&R guy that believed in him claimed that 90% of their projects fail to turn a profit, while they make money on the successful 10%--no wonder the music industry is so screwed up.) Everyone seemed to think of him and treat him as a "troubled genius", but this guy just appeared to be a complete fuck up.

I came away from this film with the opinion that I never ever, even accidentally, want to purchase one of his discs / songs / t-shirts, because I would merely be fueling his drug addiction, making him even more of a self-destructive menace than he is already. In fact, I don't even want to link to the official movie website, for fear someone might get a fraction of a penny as a result. This movie quickly grew tiresome as we watch him slowly squander his talent, money and friendships because of his rampant drug problem and unrelenting hostility towards everyone he came into contact with. Utterly depressing. I give it my lowest rating, 9 thumbs down.
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If you think about it, every rock song that's worth listening to is either about sex or drugs (or war, possibly). When I was a naive youngster (not that I've changed much), I loved the song "Space Oddity" by David Bowie. On the surface, it seems like a sad song about the perils of space travel, and it was even released to coincide with the Apollo moon landing in 1969. Naturally, I read later that it's about drugs, hence the line "We know Major Tom's a junkie", which in appears in the song "Ashes to Ashes", released a decade later. Dammit! Why can it just be about space travel? Maybe because every good rock song ever written was written ON drugs. Oddly enough, "I Want A New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News, is NOT about drugs; it's actually about trade embargos and their affect on international shipping in the 1980s.
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Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, panties . . . I'm sorry . . . Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach: names that will live forever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser- kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwurstle -gerspurten -mit -zwei -macheluber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

LOUSY SMARCH WEATHER!

It's snowing here right now, and we're supposed to get anywhere from 5-10" of the white stuff. You're not going to hear me complaining because I love snow, an emotion certainly helped by the fact that I drive a 4x4 SUV and have only a 7 mile commute. Honestly, there hasn't been much to whine about, because we really haven't had all that much snow this winter; although that "blizzard" we had three weeks ago will pump up the yearly snowfall totals, it was cleaned up by Sunday night, and by the time I returned from Florida all the snow was pretty much melted. I'm planning on going skiing on Saturday morning, so the more snow, the merrier. So I say BRING IT ON, MOTHER NATURE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!
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For this St. Patty's Day, which coincides with the first Friday of the NCAA Tournament, I think we need to split up all the bars into two groups: one for people who want to drink lousy green beer until they vomit, and one for those who want to watch some basketball and drink a few quality pints without getting hit with the aforementioned green vomit. I'll be setting up shop in the latter.
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I was searching the web for a copy of "MTV's 25 Lamest Videos of All-Time". This was a hilarious 1999 MTV special that had Denis Leary, Janeane Garofolo, Jon Stewart, and Chris Kattan commenting on the worst videos ever made. If I remember correctly, Journey's "Separate Ways" and Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" were definitely featured, and Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" was the overall winner. If I can't torrent it, I can always buy this DVD.
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You can write this down, on your ass, using a permanent marker: I'm not watching the "World Baseball Classic". I might not even watch the Mets either. Oh, and I think we can all agree that Derek Jeter looks gay in the USA uniform.
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In honor of the upcoming March Madness NCAA Tourney, this is a picture of a shopping plaza in Wayne, PA, right down the street from the Villanova U. campus. That's right, it's SPREAD EAGLE VILLAGE! Oh, there are going to be some parties there this March!

FUN WITH GOOGLE MAPS

Here's a satellite view of Myakka Pines GC, Englewood, Florida.

I'VE GOT YOUR PASSION RIGHT HERE!

"Out in the big top world, we all need the clowns to make us smile."
- Journey "Faithfully"

The 2006 Torino Olympics are over, and not a moment too soon--I'm all Olympicked out. Of course, the US media chose to focus on this country's negatives: Back-to-the-Bar-for-Bode's 0-for-5, our men's speedskaters bitching at each other, figure skaters falling all over the place, the hockey team failing to medal, our snowboarders not smoking as much as we'd hoped, biathlete Dick Cheney shooting another competitor in the face during the 4x5km race, hotdogging female snowboarders hotdogging in the one event where they shouldn't have been hotdogging.

However, as a self-proclaimed B-list blogger (I'm in training to become "A-list" whatever the fuck that means), I'm going to focus on the positives: the UNITED STATES WON THE MOST MEDALS! That's right! Yeah, I know what you're going to say, but the "official" medal tally is completely wrong. We all know that the only reason that East Germany and West Germany knocked down that wall and reunified was to crush everyone else in the Olympics, so I refuse to acknowledge this newfangled "Germany" of which people are speaking. If yo'reu buying what they're selling, all I can say is at least we beat Canada. You know, they're that country to the north of us that's perpetually frozen and snow covered; since they all cross country ski to work, they should be embarrassed that they didn't take home the most hardware.

The worst part of all of this whole Torino nonsense had to be the Closing Ceremonies, which I couldn't even bring myself to watch. Well, thank the Pope I skipped it, because I heard that there were scary clowns all over the goddamn thing. Garishly dressed clowns! Jolly candy-like clowns! Galvanting and pillaging in the streets of Torino! And some of the athletes even were forced, against their will, to wear red clown noses! Oh, the horror. This quote is all you need to know:

Throughout, bits of burlesque unfolded in the stadium’s entryways and aisles as a vagabond flower seller — a traditional carnival figure — was chased by an ever-growing squad of Swiss guards . . .

. . . who eventually shot him to death, to the delight of the spectators! Speaking of clowns, this guy apparently really enjoyed curling, as he stripped off his clothes and ran around during the Great Britain vs. USA match:

Thank god he didn't get one of those giant washer-shaped medals, lord only knows where he would have put it. A similar joker was also paid by the same website to run onto the stage and scream like a moron during the closing ceremonies. I don't know what he said, he might have been drinking with Bode earlier in the day. This is the level of security that $107 million (and counting) gets you?

Italy has finally handed this financial/logistical/security nightmare over to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, the host for the Winter Games in 2010, and I'm praying they choose Bob and Doug McKenzie as the official mascots. Hey, BC is relatively nearby (at least it's on the same continent), so someone please remind me to look into that. I didn't realize that Planet Hoth is bidding for the 2014 Games. Good stuff.

I just have a few closing comments about Olympic hockey. This came at a bad time for the NHL, as this two week competition interrupted a great comeback season. Not only that, but some players had to play 8 games in 13 days; that's too much hockey, and you risk getting some of them hurt for the rest of the NHL season (see Ohland, Jagr, Salo). Add to that fact that the Gold Medal winning Swedes may have been "partying a little too hard", and some of them might not make it back to their respective NHL teams in time for tonight's games. Honestly, who really cares if Detroit will be missing their 5 Swedes, or if Mats Sundin and his scary 11 goals doesn't return to the Maple Leaves (look it up, Canada, that's the right spelling)? Certainly not me, as long as Brodeur is well rested. In fact, you guys can keep Pat Quinn too, while you're at it. Shots of Absolut all around! Ikea Jerkers for everyone!

Personally, I think we should give this sport back to the youngsters. As it is now, the pros in the Olympics produced few great games or memorable moments, and the best roster of hockey talent on paper (Canada) was abominable. I think it would be much more exciting and enthralling if each country sent its best junior and college players. Of course, once the puck drops again for the remainder of the NHL season tonight, I'll probably forget all about this stuff for approximately 4 years.

SAVANNAH KATHERINE WAGNER

Congratulations to Karl and Shawna Wagner, who welcomed Savannah into the world on Jeffru--uhm, February 20, 2006 at 6:27 AM. She weighed 9 lbs 4 oz, and both mom and baby are doing well. Not sure about Karl, though.

PUT IT ON ICE

Congratulations to the Swedish hockey team, who beat the upstart Finnish team this morning in a well-played Battle-For-Scandinavia Gold Medal game, 3-2. This pretty much marks the end of the 2006 Torino Games, which I rather enjoyed. Of course, my hangover was the real winner this morning. So let's get these guys back to North America so we can resume the NHL hockey season, which has been good all year and should have an interesting finish.
I think we can all agree that the biathlon is the most psychotic sport in these winter games. These are true athletes, and have to be in phenomenal shape to ski uphill and downhill for kilometers, shoot at targets from prone and standing positions, ski penalty loops for missed shots--it's beyond crazy. And if speed skating is like Indy car racing, the short track is more akin to midget racing. And I don't mean to say that they're diminutive (Anton Ono is actually 5'8"/165lb, bigger than I thought), it's just more chaotic. The sheer number of skaters on the ice for the 5000m relay race made it look like an "all skate".
As for the Winter Olympic Games in general, Rob pointed out that every event requires its athletes to wear some special footwear, whether it's a ski, board, or skate. But what about curling, I wondered? More importantly, what did the 2006 BRONZE MEDAL WINNING US MEN'S CURLING TEAM wear? Rob said the curler probably has shoes equipped with special skates, but I thought that would damage the ice too much. Well, the great debate has been answered. The curlers wear shoes with "sliders" on them, usually made of Teflon, on their front foot; the sweepers wear removable "grippers" made of rubber on their shoes to give them more traction. Be sure to visit this article on curling, and don't miss Steve's Curling Website! They have all your curling needs, from Brushes, Hair Brushes, Shoes, Sliders, Gloves and Clothing! I guess I was right, but I hate being right about curling--what does that say about me? We're still not sure when they Zamboni the speed skating rinks, since everything was edited/tape delayed over here, we never got to see it. Anyway, it was fun to watch, and I will definitely Join Bode . . . at the bar! We have a lot to talk about, since we each won the same amount of medals this year.

THE IRONY, JOHNNY

* This is the very definition of "ironic": the tax preparation company H&R Block did their own taxes wrong, understating their state income tax liability by $32 million. The irony, Johnny, the irony.

* First it was "Valentine's Weekend". Then I heard on a car commercial about a "President's Month Sale Event". Now it's apparently the beginning of "St. Patrick's Season". Apparently, one day wasn't enough for these "holidays". We weren't spending enough money on chocolate bonbons, SUVs, and stupid green plastic hats. So they've been supersized, to give us plenty of time to celebrate consumerism. Well done!

* Question: When did it become fashionable to start playing the Spin Doctors on the radio again? Answer: Never. So if you're guilty of this (and you DJs know who you are), please stop, for the love of God.

* This is a priceless picture from the press conference announcing the Knicks signing Steve Francis. I'd say that coach Larry Brown's expression pretty much sums up how he feels about his situation.

I'm not an NBA fan by any means, and the entire league could shrivel up and die and I wouldn't miss it. But the Knicks, oh how they make me laugh! GMs seem to be of two types: those that are good businessmen with a handle on the financial aspects of running a team, and those that are basketball savvy and make moves accordingly; if a team is lucky, they get a guy who has a handle on both. Well, GM Isiah Thomas excels in neither, and he's singlehandedly destroying this franchise with his inept player moves that don't make financial or basketball sense. I don't mean to be rude, but I think he may be mentally retarded; he may ride the short bus to MSG every day. He probably has been told to sign players with recognizable names to give fans and corporate ticket holders the illusion of "competing", since it's impossible to "rebuild" in New York. Regardless, I was astonished that they hired him a few years back considering his shoddy track record, and I can't believe he still has a job--and then I remembered that he's employed by Cablevision. Makes perfect sense, since this massive corporation makes money in spite of itself. All the Dolans need to do is raise cable prices to pay for this latest disaster. Good times.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if a major city paper (Post, Daily News) just refused to cover the Knicks in one of their editions? No explanation, no apology, no corrections; they just refuse to include a single article about the Knicks, or even mention the team at all. They could omit their game box score, and even remove their name from the bottom of the standings. Basically, you could scan every word in the entire paper, and "Knicks" wouldn't come up ONCE. I'm sure no one would miss them. That would be classic.

Anyway, here are some great e-mails sent to Bill Simmons regarding this issue, and a hilarious article about the 1st Annual Atrocious GM Summit.

FEEL GOOD FRIDAY!

* Why wasn't I informed about Whiskyfest New York? Throw me a frickin' bone, here! I'm the boss, need the info!

* Tiger Woods absolutely destroyed Stephen Ames in the Accenture Match Play Championship first round on Wednesday. The funniest thing about this is Ames' poorly chosen pre-match comments:

Ames was on the practice range Monday afternoon when he was asked if he would take a carefree attitude into his match against the No. 1 player in the world because not many expected him to win. Ames shook his head. "Anything can happen," Ames said, breaking into a big smile. "Especially where he's hitting the ball."

Wow. Okay, while Tiger's driving accuracy is not the best, Ames couldn't have possibly said anything dumber. So how did Tiggs respond to this? He completely thrashed and demoralized Ames, winning 9 and 8. Woods got birdies on the first 6 holes, won the first 7 holes, and walked off with the match on the 10th hole. That, my friends, is a trouncing.

When a reporter asked if he was aware of Ames' comments after the match, Woods cut the question short. "Yes," he said. And what was your reaction? "9 and 8," Woods said simply. So the comments – which Woods called fair, but not something he would say about another player -- lit a fire under you? "You might say that," he said. Urged to elaborate further, Woods again answered, "9 and 8."

Even Vijay Singh had to admit, "That was a whoopin'." As for the smack talk, that should be on the list of things NOT TO DO right before playing the #1 golfer on the planet one-on-one.

* Suffern HS wins 4-3 in double OT to beat Clarkstown North to win the Division I hockey title. They'll host Section 2 champion Shenendehowa on Saturday March 4 at 8 p.m. at Sport-O-Rama. GO MOUNTIES!!!

* And to close out Feel Good Friday, here's a story of a high school kid who had never played varsity basketball, and was put in at the end of the last game of the year. After missing his first two shots, he went on to score a ridiculous 20 points (including 6 three pointers) in the final 4 minutes. Here's the kicker: he's autistic. Amazing story.

ONE TIME, AT SKATING CAMP . . .

Even though deadspin.com credits The Best Sports Blog for coming up with this (2/21, 2:43 PM), I know Vertullo made the connection between Emily Hughes and Alyson Hannigan first. However, he had to wait until the next morning, when he was sure I was back from Florida, to relay it to us:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:49:43 -0500
From: Vertullo, Robert G

have you seen emily hughes at all? She’s the olympic skater that took michelle kwans spot. Anyway she should open all her press conferences with “one time, at band camp . . .”

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PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH POOR JUDGMENT

I understand the need for handicapped parking spaces, even though some of the drivers that possess them walk faster than me, but what the hell is "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH TODDLERS"? Whose fault is it that you decided to procreate and then drag your non-ambulatory offspring with you to the grocery store? It's certainly not my fault, no matter what your paternity test says. Where do we draw the line with these "special needs" parking spaces? "PARKING FOR MANIC DEPRESSIVES"? "PARKING FOR THE LAZY"? "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH INCONTINENCE PROBLEMS"? While we're at it, how about "PARKING FOR HOCKEY PLAYER WITH GROIN STRAIN", "PARKING FOR SINGLE PERSON WHO JUST NEEDS TO RUN IN FOR SOME MILK", or "PARKING FOR PEOPLE ON A BEER RUN"?

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GEOMETRICALLY SPEAKING

Like every great joke, this newspaper article saves the punch line for the end.

BREWSTER - A state judge has issued a temporary restraining order that prevents a nude juice bar in the village from operating at least until a hearing is conducted later this month. The order, issued yesterday, is a small victory for the village, which has been trying to close Club Verona since it opened in 2004. The club, Brewster officials allege, had racked up several code violations, including changing the site's use without Planning Board review and not applying for a certificate of occupancy. [...]

Club Verona attorney Jonathan Lovett said the ongoing village action further fuels a federal lawsuit that club owner Ray Knox Jr. filed in December. It charges the village with malicious prosecution and seeks $350,000 in damages. "This is the stupidest thing the village could have done," Lovett said this morning. "It increased geometrically my client's damages."

Geometrically? What does that mean? "These charges against my client are completely trapezoidal, and his financial hardships will consequently become Pythagorean. The village's decision is completely obtuse, and my client feels that they are not taking the right angle with regards to this issue. I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but he'll be lucky if he can manage three square meals a day after this. Hopefully, we can intersect with village officials in the near future, unlike two parallel lines which never meet, and come to a equilateral decision."

IT'S AN ALBANY EXPRESSION

Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.

Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.

Chalmers: I see.
(after eating the hamburgers)
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh... 'scuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.
(Skinner walks in and out of kitchen in a second)
Skinner: (faking a yawn) Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- (notices kitchen is on fire) Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
(Skinner and Chalmers walk outside)
Agnes: (screaming from inside the house) Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.


(The Simpsons is copyrighted by FOX and all rights reserved blah blah blah.)

PIX NIXED!

Well, I blew it.

None of my daily pix made it from my phone to the blog while I was in Florida, because I typed in the wrong address every time. And I had no way to check it because I wasn't online all week. Oh well. So I just posted two of the golf-related photos: the one on 2/14 is of the green of the par 5 5th hole at East Bay GC in Largo, FL where I 3-putted for a bogey (damn!); the 2/19 post is from Myakka Pines GC in Englewood, FL), I think it's the 17th hole (#8 on the Red Nine).

The pix from my camera phone are all washed out and fuzzy, and it costs $0.79 to put each one up there, so I'm not going to bother posting any others. Plus, my comments were minimal because typing on a regular non-QWERTY keypad completely SUCKS. And anyway, the whole point was to SEND THEM DAILY FROM MY FRIGGING PHONE, to make everyone in the bitter cold Northeast jealous. So in other words, the whole thing was a complete failure, and I suck.

Oh, did I mention that the weather in Florida was in the high 70s/near 80 and sunny every day? It was gorgeous . . . and now I'm back at work. It was around 22° as I was walking up the hill into hell/work, and the cold air went through me like a dentist's drill.

Did I mention airports suck? More on that tomorrow. I'm tired, after rolling in at 1 AM this morning.

PAR 4 - BEWARE OF ALLIGATORS

Hello from the Myakka Pines Golf Course. Seriously, do I have to leave Tuesday???
P.S. Yeah, I didn't mind seeing Canada lose, but they BLEW the call on that goal. Nice to see officiating blows in Olympic sports too. I didn't appreciate that Jagr cheapshot either.

GERBER BABY!!

Is there anything better than watching team canada and that colossal prick pat quinn get shut out by the Swiss?

Birthday golf

Here's a snapshot of my day. It didn't suck. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes.

#4 VILLANOVA 69, #1 UCONN 64

This is a nice early birthday present. First home win for Nova against a #1 team, first time since 1995 (@ UConn).

V FOR VILLANOVA, V FOR VICTORY!!!

THINGS I DON'T GET

* Why people don't like snow. Personally, I think it's beautiful when everything gets buried in white, as the BLIZZARD OF '06 has illustrated. You can go sledding on it, you can ski on it, you can eat it (not the yellow snow), you can ball it up throw it in the face of your enemy. What's wrong with snow? We only have a few snowstorms a year here in the NYC area, and I don't think it's winter without them. Furthermore, it makes you appreciate nature and realize that as human beings we're pretty insignificant (without a huge amount of damage and tragic deaths, see: Hurricane Katrina). If you don't like it, move to Puerto Rico or somewhere, and stop whining in my ear.

* SUDOKU! Okay, it's a bunch of numbers you write in a box. What's the big deal? Why is this the hot new craze? It's like crossword for dummies. Those "Where's Waldo?" books were more compelling. I still don't know where the hell he is.

* UniversalHD's Olympic coverage. Of all the possible live Olympic events they could be showing in the morning, UniversalHD has only shown women's hockey. Good God, I can't take any more. And I don't think the Canadians were running up the score by winning 16-0 against Italy, it's just that Italy is THAT HORRENDOUS. They looked like kids compared to the immense back-bacon Molson-swilling maple-syrup-loving Canadian chicks. In fact, one of their defensewomen (?) was only 15 years old, for cripes sake! Wow. I can't wait until the men arrive (some of them got delayed by the blizzard).

* Oprah's Book Club. Why should we care what she reads? Seriously, it's yet another reason for housewives to shut off their brain and not have to make their own decisions. "I don't need a friend to suggest a book, and I don't have to browse the bestsellers for something that piques my interest, because Oprah's already told me what to read!" Ugh. First of all, I guarantee you she doesn't have time to read all of them, he probably has flunkies who do that and give her Cliff's Notes about them.

Thankfully, I'm here to save the day. I'm starting "Jeffro's Book Club", the guys' guide to reading. Don't worry about anything, I'm going to tell you what to read. Don't listen to O and buy Elie Weisel's "Night", I read it over 10 years ago (making me way ahead of the curve), it's nice but don't bother. Instead, here's my first recommendation: Post Office by Charles Bukowski, a hilariously funny first person account of the adventures of a letter carrier. After reading it, you can understand why people go "postal", and there are enough 4 letter words in here to make Oprah shit. Okay, I told you what to read, but you're mindless sheep already, so why not?

* Figure skating. I have to be honest with you: I really don't like watching it, and I'm only rooting for them to fall when it's on. There, I said it.

BLIZZARD OF '06

The Blizzard of '06 did not disappoint, dumping 1-2 feet of snow across a wide swath of the Northeast. Here are some of the area snowfall totals in inches (thanks NWS):

...ROCKLAND COUNTY...
NEW CITY 20.1" 1230 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER

...FAIRFIELD COUNTY...
FAIRFIELD 30.2" 730 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
DANBURY 26.0" 600 PM 2/12 CT DOT
...UNION COUNTY...
RAHWAY 27.0" 600 PM 2/12 PUBLIC
...NEW YORK COUNTY...
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY 27.0" 345 PM 2/12 PUBLIC
CENTRAL PARK ZOO 26.9" 400 PM 2/12 (beating the 1947 record - 26.4")
...QUEENS COUNTY...
NYC/LA GUARDIA 25.4" 400 PM 2/12 AIRPORT ASOS
...PUTNAM COUNTY...
BREWSTER 24.0" 100 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
...BERGEN COUNTY...
RIDGEWOOD 19.0" 400 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
...WESTCHESTER COUNTY...
WHITE PLAINS 21.5" 500 PM 2/12 PUBLIC

Here are a couple of pix I took while venturing out to my mailbox and back.

OLYMPIC UPDATE: CHICKS WITH STICKS

Good news: I'm watching Olympic hockey right now from Tortellini "Passion Lives Here" Italy in glorious HD and Dolby Digital 5.1 sound. The bad news: it's WOMEN'S hockey. At least it's something, and it's in HD. Nice. As the Canadian team pounds the polenta out of the Italian team 16-0, I'm wondering why they don't just go to running time. Anyway, there's also some ski jumping on at the moment, which also looks great. I'll have to watch as much as I can in HD before I fly down to Florida on Tuesday morning.

The Opening Ceremonies looked like a well orchestrated acid trip, as usual, with some mohawked guy skating around, and flaming speed skaters. They had eight women carry in the Olympic flag, and one of them was Susan Sarandon, for some odd reason. And yes, Yoko Ono made her appearance, and luckily I was in a bar at the time and couldn't hear her warbling poetry. It looked like some of the US atheletes were wearing tighty-whiteys on their heads, who picks out those hats??? And apparently, Italians love donuts, as a Ferrari F1 car tore it up. All told, it was ceremon-tastic!


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GRETZKY AND BETZKY! This was the headline on the cover of the Daily News yesterday. I'm so sick of the sports media (and the media in general) and their treatment of this Rick Tocchet gambling charges, and the allegations against Mr. and Mrs. Gretzky regarding their involvement. Of course, every day in the newspaper they print the odds/money line/point spread for every game; they predict game scores by saying "Take the Giants and the under"; they have NCAA brackets, and websites have fantasy sports sites for it; they take calls on sports radio, and people make their Super Bowl picks according to the numbers they got on their "pool boxes"; the day after the SB-XL was declared "the biggest gambling day in Vegas history!" In other words, gambling is everywhere in sports, everyone does it (whether its illegal or legal), sports lives off of it and gets ratings because of it, and the media helps promote it. So when someone is caught in an "illegal gambling ring", it's suddenly a horrible, deplorable, criminal act! This will give hockey a black eye! What an outrage! How fucking hypocritical is that?

Vertullo said it best: the reason the media suddenly treats this with such disdain is not because it's "illegal", but because the government doesn't get a piece of the pie. And the way the media is attacking the Gretzkys, with currently unfounded allegations I might add, is typical Schadenfreude: people have a sick fascination about knocking famous, wealthy, and successful people off their perches. But if you ask people about this, whether they're hockey fans or not, I guarantee you that 9 out of 10 aren't the least bit outraged by any of it. Personally, I don't care at all.
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You may have to hold off on that Michele Kwan-a-thon: she may have decided to withdraw from the 2006 games.
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Joke of the Night (Friday 2/10 Happy Hour Edition). Rob made this joke while we were thinking of songs to request next time that Tuney McOldsong plays a set at Bourbon Street: "Smells Like Tune Spirit". Hilarious.

I'VE GOT OLYMPIC FEVER!

That's right, it's that time again! Well, it's not so much a fever, but I feel a little under the weather and I coughed up some phlegm first thing in the morning, so that can only mean the WINTER OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Tonight's opening ceremonies in Turin/Torino should be a treat, since I heard that the Americans aren't wearing cowboy hats, and Luciano Pavarotti and Yoko Ono are going to be there (actually, I'm not sure of that second one, it's only a rumor). Personally, I've never been a fan of the summer games, it seems like it's really just a lot of running. However, the winter sports, like hockey, skiing, ski jumping, speed skating and luge, among others, are infinitely more interesting to me. I can see people run all the time; I can't always see people slide a giant stone across an ice rink and run in front of it with brooms, or see skiers shooting a rifle in the woods. Now that's entertainment!

Viewing the events over here in the States is going to be tough because of the 6 hour time difference. In fact, I just found out that the gold medal hockey game is going to be at 8:00 AM on February 26th. Holy crap! Can't they make this a little more viewer friendly? I don't care if you have to play at midnight over there, dammit! Americans spend billions of dollars traveling over to Italy, spending ridiculous amounts of money under the Tuscan sun just to say hi to the Pope! Why can't Italy throw us a bone, here? Oh well, I guess it's too late to change the schedule. I'm going to need a whole lotta lattes to make it through this.

Fun things to look for:

*Bob Costas trying to appear "fun" and "hip" by using snowboarding slang, like "riding fakie to the frontside wall and sticking the 1080, that was sick!"
*Irritating fluff pieces about olympians having to "overcome adversity"
*A no-holds barred Michelle Kwan-a-thon!
*German Georg "The Speeding Sausage" Hackl, will be a luger for the 6th (and last) time this year (I didn't have a joke, I just wanted to type "Speeding Sausage")
*NJ native Danny Kass in the snowboarding half-pipe (you know it's a sport we invented just to get medals when we're sending skiers from New Jersey)
*Apolo Ono getting stabbed with a skate by an angry South Korean during a short-track speed skating event
*US skeleton luge team trashing the Olympic Village, as they fail to medal
*US Figure skater Johnny Weir loves Christina Aguilera songs, Moulin Rouge, and Margaret Cho
*If the French figure skating judge even LOOKS at us wrong, there's gonna be a donnybrook on the ice
*Did I mention some of the skiers carry rifles?

Naturally, I was looking forward to watching some events in HD (esp. hockey) on the NBC-HD and Universal-HD channels, but unfortunately all of the Universal HD stuff is live. This means that during the middle of the week we've got Canada vs. Czech hockey at 5:30 AM, ski jumping at 4 PM, USA vs. Russia hockey at 2 PM, and so on. Can't they postpone "Knight Rider" reruns for two weeks to replay some events in prime time? I read one disclaimer about HDNet's coverage: all broadcasts are postponed one day. Gee, thanks.

Hockey preview: Let's face it, it's going to be another tough road for the US men's hockey team. Just glancing at the men's ice hockey Olympic rosters (as of February 8) tells me that we got the short end of the goalie stick, so to speak. With the trio of Esche (persistent groin problems, spotty play as of late), DiPietro (struggling with Isles, near bottom of goalie stats with a 3.44 GAA/.890 SV) and Graham (probably the starter, but looked horrible getting pulled in 2/7 game @ NJ), it's going to be a tough road (where is the Sabres' Ryan Miller???). With a lot of old timers on the roster (Modano, Chelios, Weight, Tkachuk), I honestly don't know who's going to score goals for this squad, except maybe Knuble, Cole and Gionta, the only players with more than 25 goals in the NHL so far. That's right, we're depending on a Devil to score goals for us--not a good sign.

I see the favorites to win the gold are the Canadian team (3:2 odds, just ask Mrs. Gretzky!), who are stacked as usual. The Czech (Hasek, Jagr, Elias, Hejduk) and Swedish (hot Ranger rookie Lundqvist, a couple of Sedins, and 6 guys with names ending in -sson) teams also have a legitimate shot. The Russians, with flashy young goal scorers (Afinogenov, Ovechkin, Datsyuk) but little goaltending are a question mark, but could be scary. Long shots would be the USA, Slovakia, and Finnish squads. Look out for Gunther Hell, goalie for the Italian team. I also heard Piazza will be catching for them, or something.

All in all, it should be Olymp-tacular!