STANLEY CUP FINALS GAME 1: WINNING UGLY

With Edmonton up 3-0 with about 5 minutes left in the 2nd in Game 1, I decided to watch a couple of episodes of Deadwood on DVD, and never switched back. As it turned out, I ended up missing a lot, primarily a huge Oilers meltdown.

The Oilers lost 5-4 last night to Carolina in the worst way imaginable. Not only were they up 3-0 and let Carolina back in the game with 4 unexplained goals, but Roloson hurt his knee with 6 minutes left and is out of the finals. After tying it up 4-4, with OT all but assured, backup goalie Ty Conklin played the puck behind the net and made a bad pass to Smith, handing Bit-o-luv the winning goal with 31 seconds left (just look at that photo--DAMMIT, he's hideous). Just plain awful.

Unless Ty Conklin (who I actually saw play for the University of New Hampshire Wildcats) turns out to be the next Patrick Roy, this series is all but over. Barring a miracle, the Hurricanes will win take the Cup and fill it with chewing tobacky or moonshine. Or maybe creamy mashed potatoes, sweet corn, crispy chicken, and top it off with their famous homestyle gravy and a 3-cheese blend, and call it the KFC Caniac Nation Heartstopper Supreme!

In other hockey news, although details are sketchy, the HNA New Jersey Landsharks (16-2-2) reportedly did not play well in the 2005-2006 League Championship Finals in Etobicoke, Ontario. In a recorded statement on Sunday, stay-at-home defenceman Rob Vertullo, who shockingly left home via airplane on Thursday, stated that their lack of effectiveness on the ice may have been due to spending "over 8 hours in a strip club". Where did they go? Some say Canada; others, Toronto. I can only imagine what would have happened had they attended the Las Vegas Tournament. More details to follow.

WIE WILL ROCK YOU?

The lull in the golf season that we've experienced since the Masters has seemed interminable. So with the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot on the horizon I thought it was high time to get back to discussing golf. I didn't get to see any of this past weekend's rain-soaked, Indian-cursed Memorial tournament, but I did read this incredibly funny/disgusting tidbit:

[After a rain delay] Mickelson returned to the sixth hole to find the cup had moved in the middle of the second round. Turns out someone defecated in the hole, and the only solution was to move it a few feet, along with the ball markers on the green.

Do you think the person who made a #2 on #6 left it as a present for FIGJAM? Was it merely a wet Baby Ruth bar? The world may never know.

But I suppose the biggest golf news this week concerns 16-year-old golfing phenom Michelle Wie, who is playing a 36-hole qualifier at Canoe Brook in Summit, NJ today for the chance to be the first woman to qualify for the U.S. Open.

Wie is scheduled to tee off at 8:35 a.m. on the South course and start on the North course at about 2:20 p.m. Historically, the North course has proved more challenging, particularly the final three holes: the uphill 431-yard 16th and downhill 455-yard 17th, both par-4s, and No. 18, a par-5 that is straight as a yardstick but 601 yards long.

601 yards? Yikes. Even though she can drive the ball 275-300 yards, that should be an interesting finish for her if she's still in the running at that point (-3 over 36 holes was good enough to qualify in 2005). She's one of 153 qualifiers playing for the 18 spots available, and she's on the course right now playing alongside local head pro Rick Hartmann. Thanks to the PGATOUR.com semi-live blog, we get this stunning information:

7:59 a.m. -- In case you were wondering, [Wie's] salmon sweater is almost an identical color as James Driscoll's shirt.

Ah, the magic of the Interwebs, giving us information that previously would have been considered irrelevent! Do you think people pointed out what color Carl Petersson's shirt was yesterday morning before winning the Memorial? I'm gonna say no. Get used to this kind of crap, since they give out hundreds of press passes to members of the media circus who know zero about golf.

Anyway, best of luck to Wie (click here for scorecard). It'll be good to have her around, despite the proliferation of bad puns based on her name (latest ones: "Wie've got you covered!" and "Wie bit of pressure"). And I'd much prefer having Wie on my HDTV than Tim Herron or John Daly.

UPDATE (2:15 PM): Wie is at -2 after the first 18. Just like the Sony Open, her driving was fine, but her putts did her in: Missing 7 putts inside 12 is not the prescription for winning a spot a Winged Foot against players of this talent level.

UPDATE (4:13 PM): Wie is at -1 after 24 holes. That won't be good enough, so she needs a few birdies to make it . . .

UPDATE (4:55 PM): Wie birdied the 17th, to go -2 after 26. Even after playing all day, she's still able to outdrive Gossett, who she's playing alongside. Apparently, if 36 holes doesn't decide it, they also play a PLAYOFF. That's a brutal day. Wait, it's GOLF, how bad can it be?

UPDATE (6:43 PM): After a 3 putt bogey on the 4th (31st) hole, the wheels have come off. After three straight bogies, Wie is at +1 after 33 holes, and it's officially over. A valiant effort but she came up short.

A Wie bit short.

Oh, I cannot take any more ribald punnery!

THOSE 70s ADS

Gotta love those 70's commercials!
#1. Here's a montage of classic toy commercials:



#2. Here's the classic Enjoli ad:



I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan! Man, that song is embedded in my brain. Whatever happened to the jingle? That's a whole other topic.
#3. These kids are having a FABULOUS time with Mr. Microphone!

BLOGIC

Here's a new word I just coined:

BLOGIC (n.) shaky reasoning that a blogger makes to support their theory
According to the author's blogic, it's entirely plausible that Roger Clemens couldn't re-sign with the Astros until now because he was suspended 50 days for steroid use, a fact somehow hidden from the public.

Stick THAT in your Urban Dictionary! Oh, I suppose I could do that myself.

* * *

Here's the only Ultimate Frisbee clip you ever need to see. I mean, the guy can jump, but so what? He's playing frisbee! But whoever covered this should talk to the NFL; they have more camera angles of this than they had in the AFC Championship Game.

* * *

Things I (wish I) didn't know existed: the Pro Disc Golf Association and the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

* * *

From the groundbreaking development team that brought you Grand Theft Auto 3, it's . . . table tennis? Are you fucking serious? I'd like some of that stuff those Rockstar Games guys are smoking. Then I thought this is an April Fool's joke that I'm just getting wind of now. Nope, apparently not, it actually exists. Well, I at least hope they got the rights to all the top players, like, uhm, oh who fucking knows, it's PING PONG! Can you at least brutally kill your opponent with your paddle to an 80s hip hop soundtrack? At least that would give me a reason to buy an XBOX 360.

* * *

Andy Roddick is a sissy, Moby has outlived his usefulness in the music world and is going into space, and I'd blame the mother (not the police or hospital) for not being able to identify her own daughter in this highly publicized mix-up.

* * *

According to their radio commercials, the Hyundai Sonata "outclasses" the Toyota Camry. No, it doesn't outperform, it's not better built, it doesn't get better gas mileage, it doesn't have a lot of satisfied owners, its safety rating isn't as high, it's not as reliable, nor is it as roomy . . . uhm, did we mention it OUTCLASSES the Camry?

REDNECK HOCKEY

The Sabres went out with guns ablazin', but they finally ran out of bullets. Actually, it should be with swords a-swinging--no, that sounds stupid. Oh screw it, the Hurricanes blew them out of the playoffs, beating them 4-2 in Game 7, winning the Prince of Tides--er, Wales Trophy and will represent the East in the Stanley Cup Finals. Buffalo played well early and got two quick goals near the end of the 2nd, one of them on a favorable bounce off of Ward's back with :04.9 left, but Carolina was relentless and took control on a PP goal midway through the 3rd (after a stupid 'delay of game' penalty, which I didn't think should have been called). I was rooting for Buffalo, because their fans really deserve it and would savor a Cup win for years to come, whereas it will be forgotten by most people in Carolina the next day. But the Hurricanes are a talented young team, who are playing top notch hockey right now. (Well, they're young except for Rod Bit o' Love, who apparently made a classless comment after the game about Ruff, though I didn't hear it.) And although I'd love to see Edmonton beat them and hope to see the Cup make it back up north, I say it'll be Carolina in 6. But what do I know?

As for the OLN game commentary, I have to be honest: it hasn't been good. Although Doc's calls are always solid, JD sounds distracted (TAKE THE BLUES GM JOB ALREADY!) and the two haven't meshed well. Maybe OLN is trying to "dumb it down" for the non-hockey audience (Carolina, I'm looking at you), but there's no need to have them constantly spew endless stats, make irrelevant mentions of random minor league hockey teams, or what colleges some of the players attended. (Did you know Ryan Miller was a Michigan State Spartan? We'll say it again in 20 minutes, in case you missed it!) Sometimes they go off on tangents and forget to mention a penalty has been called (this has happened more than once), and they obsessively point out how many "one goal games" the Sabres played, which is completely meaningless (last night's Game 7, though technically not a "one goal game" was closer fought than Game 2, in which Buffalo scored a goal with 4 seconds left to make it 4-3). Enough already! Don't insult my intelligence, and don't waste my time with Olympics-style anecdotes, just call the damn game. And yes, we know it's loud in the arena, 18,000 screaming fans in an enclosed space can be noisy, we don't need to see the decibel meter. I'll say it again, and I can't stress this enough: stop exclusively catering to people who DON'T know anything about hockey, and cater to those who DO. Since OLN has Game 1 and 2 EXCLUSIVELY, we're stuck with them.

Although the playoffs have been fun to watch, it's only solidified my opinion that this is truly is the saddest sports radio town. Only one local team was playing, and there were no compelling stories in sports yesterday, yet NO ONE talked about this Game 7. Okay, I obviously only heard a small sampling of it, but this is the closest anyone got to mentioning the NHL yesterday: WFAN's Mad Dog talking to his clueless baseball-loving dad on the phone (I'm not joking here, this made it on the air).

Dog: So are you excited for Game 7 tonight? (baiting him)
Dad: Oh sure, of course. (obviously has no idea)
Dog: What Game 7 am I talking about?
Dad: Well, uhm, er . . .
Dog: I'm talking about Buffalo and Carolina!
Dad: Oh, well I'm not really into basketball.

Ugh. This is what passes for hockey conversation on sports radio around here: a guy who knows nothing about hockey making fun of his dad who knows less than him, if that's possible. It's so fucking pathetic. They only mention hockey when the Rangers are in the playoffs (which has been extremely rare), and they don't spend time on it before or after. Since I don't bother turning on ESPN anymore, since all they offer is NBA, women's softball, and Major League Bondsball, there really is no other alternative. XM Radio appears to be the only place that has a full slate of hockey talk, on theirHome Ice channel. Think about it: actual knowledgable hockey sports talk, and you don't have to live near Canada to pick it up; such a thing would have been unthinkable a few years ago. Anyway, I'm convinced that all of the major TV and radio sports talkers own a major stake in satellite radio, because their complete idiocy is actually driving me towards actually buying one of those fucking satellite receivers.

* * *

I think a comedy movie should be measured by how many times people quote it in their daily lives. That's why the Bravo list is fatally flawed: no one is quoting the South Park movie, Ace Ventura, or Legally Blonde. I can't go a day without hearing someone quote movies like Caddyshack, Airplane!, Old School, Office Space, and Austin Powers. The king of them all, of course, is Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I overheard two references to it yesterday. Yankees beat reporter Sweeney Murti likened Jeter's attitude toward his injury "like the Black Knight who just had his arms cut off, he insists it's just a flesh wound". I appreciated the joke, but he might have been overstating it since it's only a sprained hand. On OLN a few hours later Doc Emrick made a similar joke, using the same "it's just a flesh wound" line to illustrate how the Sabres didn't use their injuries as an excuse. This led to JD saying, "Who's Monty Python?", and Doc changing the subject by saying "And now for something completely different" and continuing the play-by-play. JD then followed up with the comment, "He's from England, isn't he?" Yikes. He just dropped a few notches in my book with that comment (and Doc went up a notch).

GAME SEVEN: INSERT YOUR FAVORITE CLICHE HERE

I can't believe I'm saying these words, but the hockey world turns its attention to freaking Raleigh, North Carolina tonight, as the Sabres play the Hurricanes in Game 7 to decide the winner of the Wales (Eastern) Conference. The fact that OLN has exclusive rights to this game means that it will be beaten in the ratings be a live broadcast of a spelling bee. Ugh. At least I'll get it in HD (Dish Network and DirecTV offer every conf. final game in HD, but C-Vision has been picking and choosing, and just happened to choose to show this one tonight).

Meanwhile, the Edmonton Oilers are skating in Greenburgh, New York of all places, to escape their crazy Canadian fans and get focused for the finals (no, the Rangers rink is not in Tarrytown, but close enough--Calgary, Edmonton, same thing, right?). I was thinking about going to open hockey tonight at Palice, but not if Chris Pronger is going to be there. Of course, they take shots at our "inferior ice" at every turn:

By leaving early the team will adjust to a two-hour time change and can also get used to the humid air and skate-stifling slush that passes as late-spring ice . . . Pronger said he'd rather get used to the challenges of playing slush hockey with the team in solitude than stay on Edmonton's better ice basking in the glory of the team's Western Conference title win.

Goddam condescending Canucks. By the way, this is the first week there's been any heat/humidity in New York, it's not like you're skating in Mexico City. And excuse us for living outside the Arctic Circle, where we're looked down upon because we can't host outdoor hockey games in March. A perfect solution to this problem was postulated by Vertullo: start the season in August. This way, get the season over by April 1st; the ice will be better, and your ratings won't be affected by the baseball season or the NBA playoffs. Oh, and if your team is in a hot climate and you can't get the ice to freeze in July/August, your team has to move to a colder city. Makes perfect sense to me.

(BTW, the Campbell Cup winners are in 'New York's backyard', so doesn't this seem like a good opportunity for the sports reporters to get some exclusive interviews? How much do you want to bet they don't, and instead get another shitty quote from Larry Brown?)

So anyway, it should be a good game tonight as these two teams will let it all hang out. I just heard that Jay McKee is out with a "freak infection", so it will be an uphill battle for Buffalo (do they have any defensemen left?). Enjoy the Carolina slush hockey!

BRAVO'S TOP 100 FUNNIEST MOVIES

Okay, I'll let you read this before I comment on it. It's the "Top 100 Funniest Movies" according to the Bravo network.

100. Anchorman
99. The Birdcage
98. School of Rock
97. Happy Gilmore
96. Four Weddings and a Funeral
95. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
94. Waiting for Guffman
93. The Aristocrats
92. Father of the Bride
91. Revenge of the Nerds
90. Clueless
89. Slapshot
88. Team America: World Police
87. The Kentucky Fried Movie
86. Zoolander
85. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
84. Silver Streak
83. Sister Act
82. Tootsie
81. Half Baked
80. Lost in America
79. Three Amigos
78. Bananas
77. Flirting With Disaster
76. Ghostbusters
75. Dumb and Dumber
74. Trading Places
73. City Slickers
72. Moonstruck
71. Roxanne
70. Nutty Professor
69. The Blues Brothers
68. Broadcast News
67. Kingpin
66. Dazed and Confused
65. Office Space
64. This is Spinal Tap
63. Manhattan
62. The Pink Panther
61. Election
60. When Harry Met Sally . . .
59. Police Academy (Series)
58. Private Benjamin
57. Swingers
56. Young Frankenstein
55. Bull Durham
54. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
53. Dr. Strangelove
52. Meet the Parents
51. National Lampoon's Vacation
50. The Princess Bride
49. American Pie
48. American Graffiti
47. 9 to 5
46. The Incredibles
45. Raising Arizona
44. Sixteen Candles
43. What About Bob?
42. Harold and Maude
41. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
40. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
39. Mrs. Doubtfire
38. Best in Show
37. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
36. Good Morning, Vietnam
35. Beetlejuice
34. Rushmore
33. Clerks
32. Groundhog Day
31. The Big Lebowski
30. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
29. Legally Blonde
28. Annie Hall
27. A Fish Called Wanda
26. Wayne’s World
25. Meet the Fockers
24. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
23. Big
22. Beverly Hills Cop
21. Shampoo
20. The Jerk
19. Wedding Crashers
18. Stripes
17. M*A*S*H
16. Old School
15. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
14. Napoleon Dynamite
13. Naked Gun (Series)
12. The Producers
11. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
10. Arthur
9. Blazing Saddles
8. The Wedding Singer
7. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
6. Airplane!
5. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
4. There’s Something About Mary
3. Shrek
2. Caddyshack
1. Animal House

Ugh. What a horrid list, I don't know where to start. First of all, it's obvious that we're leaning toward more recent frat-boy, fart humor comedies. But 6 movies with Ben Stiller in it? Vince Vaughn's entire ouevre? Meet the Fockers, Legally Blonde, Mrs. Doubtfire are all better than Monty Python and the Holy Grail? I don't think so. Plus, Shrek, The Wedding Singer and Ace Ventura shouldn't be anywhere near the Top 10, so move those out and put in Young Frankenstein, Holy Grail, and Annie Hall.

Right away, you can remove The Nutty Professor (yes, they chose the Eddie Murphy remake), The Incredibles, What About Bob? and Half Baked, and put Life of Brian, Fletch, a Marx Brothers movie (Duck Soup will suffice), and Some Like it Hot on there. Wait a sec--they included THE ENTIRE POLICE ACADEMY SERIES? Those movies didn't even make my Top 1000 funniest movies list.

This list makes me want to puke blood. If that was their intention, well, BRAVO!

ONE MINUTE OF THRASH

This is a new blog topic that will chronicle those brief, fleeting moments when you actually enjoy life (which means this will probably be the first and only post of its kind). While on the golf course with Rob on Sunday, each of us with cigars and beers in hand, he said, "Every once in a while, I'm actually thankful for being born." Or something to that effect. He attributed the quote to Krusty the Klown, remind me to Google that one to get it right. Anyway, I had to agree with the sentiment.

The name for this particular topic is a reference to a brief respite from the awful music that was playing in Bourbon Street after our round the other day. One of the bartenders switched the satellite radio to a thrash metal station, and although it only lasted for one minute, because it was lumped between Dan Fogelfuckingberg and The Gratefulfuckingdead it was quite enjoyable. It's all in the context.

Another "one minute of thrash" I had recently: while driving on a back road on the way to Nyack, a car coming out of a side street made a sudden right turn and merged into traffic 2 cars ahead of me, just barely squeezing into the opening between two cars, nearly hitting the car he cut off. A total dick move. Luckily, the car behind the car he nearly hit was an unmarked police car, who pulled him over immediately. You have to love that, because you see these moves every day and no one ever gets a ticket for it.

If you have one of those moments, no matter how lame, feel free to comment.

GOIN' BACK TO RALEIGH

The Buffalo Sabres have forced a Game 7, beating the Hurricanes 2-1 on a Briere OT goal that clipped Cam Ward's glove and rolled down his back into the goal, 4:22 into the extra period. After a stellar first period, they let the foot off the gas in the 3rd, trying to make the 1 goal stand and treating it like a 20 minute penalty kill. Big mistake. With about 4 minutes left, I even said out aloud to myself that Carolina was going to score, and they did. But luckily for the Sabres, Briere bailed them out.

So now we're goin' back to Raleigh, where there is currently a huge chewing tobacco shortage brought on by sudden, unprecedented interest in Carolina hockey games. As they say down there, judging by the out of state plates, we must have a sell out. Ironically, the 2006 hurricane season starts on Thursday, June 1 . . . will it also be the end of the Hurricanes' season? Stay tuned!

(Game 7 had better be in HD, instead of a taped rugby match and a Reds game, which is what was on tonight. So far, signs point to yes.)

Meanwhile, it's frigging crazy on Whyte Avenue in Edmonton, as they quickly drain the beer supply while waiting to play the Eastern Champion on Monday night.

HELLO, NUMMINEN?

The Sabres are on the chopping block tonight in Game 6, as one more loss to Carolina will eliminate them from the playoffs. I don't know how they came up with this number, but scienticians working around the clock have calculated that there's an 80% chance we'll say "Hello, Numminen" tonight. How did they determine that we can only wonder. Some other things that Buffalo needs to do tonight:

• Get an actual goal from Maxim Can't-finish-genov
• Do better on the power play (their 0-4 Game 5 performance ain't cutting it)
• Score more goals, while giving up less
• Put Stick-Em on McKee's stick so goals stop deflecting off of it into their own goal
• Take the bawdy!

Salo gives them a huge thumbs up, saying he's "semi-confident" that they'll win tonight, only to lose Game 7 to Rod "Bit o' Love" Brind'Amour* & Co. on Thursday. Wow, that's a Sabres fan for you, who's been Bit in the ass on many occasions (just ask Michael Peca about Game 6 in 1999). I just hope they extend the series so we don't get another showing of "Youngblood". You don't want to read my review. It's not pretty.

* He should shorten his name to "Rod Love". After retiring from the NHL, he could always go into porn.

UPDATE: HELLO, NUMMINEN! He's in there on D (Harpo? Zeppo?), and the Sabes have a 1-0 lead after one period. They are absolutely FLYING, playing inspired hockey. Oh, thanks Cablevision for not showing it in HD. Assholes.

Rumors of him taking the Blues GM job already have been greatly exaggerated: John Davidson has rejoined Doc Emrick in the booth for Game 6, after being mysteriously absent for the past few games (replaced by Eddie Olczyk). Here's my theory: he told OLN for the Conference Finals that he'd go to games in Buffalo and Edmonton, but screw Carolina. Just a thought. That's what I would do if I was JD.

HAPPY RECAP

Since I gave major props to the Sabres' RJ, I think it's only fitting to link to this tribute to Bob Murphy, the former Mets radio announcer who passed away in 2004. Some of his classic calls are on the MLB.com site. The 2 minute montage up here contains a bunch of these, including the first Mets game in 1969 brought to you by Rheingold Extra Dry, and "The Mets win the game, and they win the damn thing by a score of 10 to 9!" (I had previously thought the latter was from a playoff game, but it was a fairly innocuous Philly game on 7/25/90 in which the Mets were leading 10-3 entering the bottom of the 9th, and somehow squeaked it out.)

The summer airwaves will never be the same without him. It's a 1:05 start, and that means it's Tanqueray time!

RANDOM

The Pink Stink Killer, for eliminating your hockey bag odors. Not to be confused with Summer's Eve.

Finally, they've combined baseball and sudoku into this: Scoreboard Suduko. It basically makes you hate both games at once.

This is funny: a live re-enactment of Super Mario Bros. (level 1 of the original Nintendo game, in case you didn't know). I can't even imagine how much time they spent on this instead of studying for class.

MEANWHILE, IN ALBERTA

There's a beer shortage in Edmonton. I'm not kidding. So please, do whatever you can to help our neighbors to the North in their time of need. Send whatever ectra beer you have to Rexall Place, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Oh, but they don't really like Budweiser, so only if you have Labatt's or Molson or something. Hopefully, this national nightmare will soon be over.


Edmonton hockey fans create beer emergency
Updated Tue. May. 23 2006 11:34 PM ET

CTV.ca News Staff

As the Oilers battle their way to the Stanley Cup finals, bar owners in Edmonton are scrambling to keep beer on ice for thirsty hockey fans.

A report in the Edmonton Sun says managers of bars on Whyte Avenue, known as the Blue Mile during the hockey playoffs, have had to place emergency orders for beer.

WORKIN' FOR THE WEEKEND!

Everyone's watchin' to see what you will do!
Everyone's lookin' at you, Oh!
Everyone's wonderin' will you come out tonight?
Everyone's tryin' to get it right, get it right!

Everybody's workin' for the weekend!
Everybody wants a new romance!
Everybody's goin' off the deep end!
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh!

You want a piece of my heart?
you better start from the start!
you wanna be in the show?
c'mon baby let's go!

Everyone's lookin' to see if it was you!
Everyone wants you to come through!
Everyone's hopin' it'll all work out!
Everyone's waiting, they're holdin' out!

Everybody's workin' for the weekend!
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah!
Everybody's goin' off the deep end!
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh!

You want a piece of my heart?
you better start from the start!
you wanna be in the show!
c'mon baby let's go!

Hey!


Yes, I need a drink.

Wow, that video's gay. And Canadian. Cangaydian.

Anyway, Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

EXCELLENT!

Here's the Simpsons movie teaser, in case you haven't seen it yet.



Oh, and I'm putting the link to the Season 2 finale of LOST, because I still don't know what the hell happened, and I'm probably going to watch it again sometime . . .

CANADIAN IDOL

I'm going to come out and say it: I'm rooting hard for Edmonton tonight. Check oot the home crowd singing O Canada before Game 3, eh?



Who needs a singer? Stunning performance by the Rexall Place crowd. Look for the guy on the right belting it out about 0:58 into it, followed by Ducks goalie Bryzgalov's sheepish grin. Good stuff. Meanwhile here in the US, we merely mouth the words to the National Anthem, and start cheering 30 seconds before it's over as if to say, "Get it over with already!" God bless those crazy Canucks!

Meanwhile, despite numerous defensive injuries, the Sabres are digging deep and winning games, besting Carolina 4-3 last night to take a 2-1 series lead. By the way, I had no idea that Hurricanes fans call themselves "Caniac Nation". Ugh. I blame the idiots that follow the Red Sox for that.

UPDATE: Hoping for a Game 4 spark, the Ducks are going with a change in goal starting 2003 Conn Smythe Trophy winner J.S. Giguere tonight to avoid the sweep. Broom sales were reported to be brisk in the greater Edmonton area today.

LIKE A KIDNEY STONE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOB DYLAN!

You just turned 65! What are you going to do? Well, go out on tour, naturally. He's not doing a 300 date "Catch Me Before I Die" tour like 80-year old B.B. King, but he is playing a few European festivals, alongside some unlikely fellow musicians. One of these festivals that caught my eye was the Roskilde Festival in Denmark. The lineup sounds pretty interesting; however, the website isn't in English. So allow me to try and translate these single sentence "artist profiles" from the ancient Denmarkian language. Sorry, I mean Denmarkese:

AMPLIFIER (UK): Buldrende tungrock flirtende med både stoner-rock og grunge
"We used every adjective we could think of--they're probably a trainwreck."

FRANZ FERDINAND (UK): 80’ernes dansable postpunk tilsat træfsikre popmelodier
"Yeah, they're ripping off 80's bands, just shut up and dance."

PLACEBO (UK): Pirkende rockudladninger med lån fra glam og punk
"Your glam is in my punk!" "And your punk is all over my glam!" "Two great sounds that taste great together! Rockudladninger!"

TOOL (US): Introvert art-rock med metalliske tendenser
"Shiny happy people holding hands!!!"

MORRISSEY (UK): Følelsesladede popsange fra en af tidens største tekstforfattere
"Caution: Effeminate pop singer is fatter than appears on album."

BOB DYLAN (US): Én af rockhistoriens betydeligste sangskrivere
"Shhh! Don't tell him the rest of the lineup."

(Oh, there's a link for the English version of the website. Eh, that was more fun.)

THINGS THAT BUG ME

• Trucks that sit 20 feet behind the stop line and block an entire intersection, while you sit behind them and honk your horn and they don't move. Yet when you try to go around them, that's when they suddenly move and honk their horn, as if you're the idiot.

• The guy at the Carolina Hurricane hockey games that raises his arms up at completely random and inappropriate times during the game, seemingly just so he can get arms in the camera shot. I envision him having his friends over to watch the replay, saying "There's my hand! See it? There it is again! Watch closely, during this meaningless cross-ice outlet pass, there's my hand again!"

• People who spend way too much time shopping for a toothbrush. Save yourself valuable time and buy the one that comes free with the toothpaste, and stop clogging up the aisle!

• The Chinese kidnapping Jack Bauer on the season finale of 24. Why do they have to ruin everything?

• People who send a racehorse get well cards and food, when they probably wouldn't do the same for a human being suffering the same hardship.

• Co-workers who look at your phone's caller ID display while it's ringing, even though it's none of their fucking business who's calling you.

• Cell phone companies, who have all conspired to: 1) make you pay for minutes you never use, 2) charge you to check your own voicemail, 3) make you sign 2 year long agreements (and charge you $150 for breaking it), 4) charge full price for phones if you happen to break it or lose it during the agreement. Any other phone company that would make you do the above would be out of business.

• The new TGIFriday's commercial, featuring four carnivorous friends who are way too excited about their meat (Steak! Pork! Ribs!). They are markedly less enthusiastic about their friend's "vegetable medley", until he succumbs to peer pressure and whips out his sausage! Horrible, moronic, annoying, not to mention a little phallic and homoerotic--I would expect nothing less from a crap-slinging eatery like TGIFriday's.

• Those who come up with things like "mobile phone episodes" of TV shows, and on top of that, call them "mobisodes". Ugh.

• People who don't think monkeys are funny. Personally, I'm thinking of renting the MVP "Most Valuable Primate" trilogy for the long M-Day weekend.

• People who refer to sacred holidays like "Memorial Day" using the abbreviation "M-Day".

WHERE MAMA HIDES THE COOKIES

The Sabres are going home with the series tied up 1-1, after a 4-3 loss in Carolina (a goal with 2.7 seconds left makes it appear closer than it was). I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some various audio clips of the voice of the Sabres, Rick Jeanneret.

Someone calling himself "The Irish Trojan" posted a number of RJ sound clips on his blog (look for the "audioblog.com" players):
From the highlights of the deciding Game 5 vs. the Senators, you get his famous "top shelf where mama hides the cookies" line to start off. And to end it (fast forward to 2:36 in), be sure to check out his "scary good" call after Pomenville's winning SH goal. (All the goals can be found in mp3 form here.)
Here's his call of the 18 second OT in Game 1 vs. the Sens.
This post has two clips on it: the Brad May game, and the quadruple OT Game 6 vs. NJ in 1994. There are also several articles on there, and it brings back memories. Of course, the Devils wound up winning Game 7. Sorry about that (ha ha).

(Previously, I had erroneously thought the "hides the cookies" line was from Penguins' announcer Mike Lange. Of course, he's penned several good lines himself, including "Scratch my back with a hacksaw!", "Get in the fast lane Grandma, the bingo game's ready to roll!", and this year's "Oh slap me silly, Sidney!")

Anyway, good stuff. I'm so used to the local guys (Doc Emrick, John Davidson, Sam Rosen, and the like), that I don't get to hear the other guys too much, and it's quite enjoyable.

If you're unable to enjoy the Sabres games (like if you're in France, or somewhere silly like that), the Bfloblog is always a good site to visit.

LET'S GO BUFFALO!

PECA HEADS HOME UP 2-0; BUFFALO SOLDIERS FIGHTING ON ARRIVAL

Edmonton is up 2 games to nil after another Pond hockey win, and Buffalo can get there tonight. Hope you enjoyed the snappy wordplay. It's Monday, that's the best I could come up with.

What a stunning turn of events at the Preakness. Barbaro, winner of the Kentucky Derby, first jumped out of the gate too early, and then on the restart broke his right rear leg 100 yards into the race. Pretty awful. What a rollercoaster ride.

Other stuff:
Your tax dollars at work, still looking for Jimmy Hoffa.
Never trust a Wagner.
Check out Sports Frog's Le Thread Officiel for actual hockey fans discussing actual hockey. I find myself reading Off Wing Opinion frequently as well.
Chivas and Red Bull: which one is harder to stomach, the MLS game or a drink mixing the two?
If you didn't hate egocentric moron Joe "Everything Was Better When I Was Playing" Morgan before, you will now.
Russ Springer is my hero. And I'm not the only one who feels that way (judging by the thrilled Astros fans in this home video):



And this video is simply called "Kevin Stevens and Bryan Trottier vs. Bryan Bellows (careful, this is NSFW*):



*Not Safe For Work