From The "Women Are Fucking Crazy" File

No, this 32 year old crazy-ass bride to be wasn't actually kidnapped as she reported to the police, she just got cold feet before her wedding and "needed some time alone". WTF?!? The saddest thing is the jubliant picture of the thoroughly whipped groom who is "excited that she's alive." This is a guy who just had his fiancé lie to police and touch off a nationwide manhunt for her, during which he was CONSIDERED BY POLICE TO BE A SUSPECT IN THE KIDNAPPING. I would be so fucking pissed off, you'd have to have 10 people hold me down, lest I go on a rampage.

Yeah, I'm really glad to see she's okay, and it's nice that she had time to get her haircut, too. Unfuckingbelievable.

Two New Episodes of "The Simpsons"

Even though I'd also like some Arrested Development (FOX promises it will "Return This Summer"), we've got two, count 'em, TWO new episodes of The Simpsons this week (Kris, you'd better free up some hard drive space). It's part of FOX's "Animation Domination" Sunday lineup, during which Family Guy returns yet again (wasn't it cancelled twice?). Anyway, here are the episode descriptions (notice the return of Albert Brooks AND Stephen Hawking):


"Don't Fear the Roofer" (350th Episode, or 351st according to SNPP)
Episode #GABF10 (May 01 08:00pm)

When a leaky roof drives Homer to drink, he goes to the bar and befriends a beer-loving roofer (Ray Romano), who promises to help Homer with the repairs.

Cast: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Ray Romano, Stephen Hawking.
Producer(s): James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, Al Jean.

"The Heartbroke Kid"
Episode #GABF11 (May 01 08:30pm)

When Bart endangers his health by bingeing on vending-machine food, the Simpsons turn their home into a hostel in order to afford sending him to a forced starvation facility.

Cast: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Albert Brooks.
Producer(s): James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, Al Jean.

Oh, and due to the death of Pope John Paul II, they postponed the showing of "The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star" (which was initially supposed to air three weeks ago).

Those Happy Slapping Brits!

I saw a video on some website a few months ago featuring a guy who would steal cell phones from strangers and break them while they were in mid-conversation. It initially struck me as funny; who hasn't wanted to do that when people are talking irritatingly loud without any regard to the people around them?

Naturally, it's turned into a fad that's gotten out of hand. It actually made me think of Jimbo from "The Simpsons" ("This Little Wiggy"): "Videotaping our crime spree was the best idea we've ever had!"

Also see MSNBC's article ('Happy Slapping' Craze Worries British Officials) about the same stupid fad.

Old Money, New Skates

I saw this on the Today Show the other morning. Check out the money these guys dug up in suburban Boston. Unreal. It doesn't say so in this story, but the two guys found the money on a third friend's property (making it officially his). And from the sound of it, they didn't know how they're splitting up the money. Is anyone else smelling a lawsuit?

Graf, a Swiss ice skate manufacturer, officially has the worst website I've ever seen. It's incredibly plain, with no seizure-inducing Macromedia Flash animation, no irritating pop-up screens, no "extreme" soundtrack; the most advanced website programming they have is "frames". But I'm thinking this means they're probably all about the skates; the money goes into R&D and production, not into the marketing of them (I'm looking at you, Bauer Nike - click at your own risk). So I think that's how I'm going to start buying everything: whoever has the least slick website/ad campaign probably has the best product.

Diamond Joe Quimby for...Prime Minister?

New Czech prime minister has a double - from 'The Simpsons' show

I report, you decide...

smart Tipping

I'm blogging a blog of a blog, but this is too funny not to post: The new trend in safe and sound Canada is smart-tipping, the poor cows won't be getting much attention anymore

Random Musings

1. If you tasted a Spaniard how do you think he would taste? (Male for sure, I would like to taste Penelope Cruz...but I digress) This may sound like a strange question, and I assure you, it is, but I'm leading somewhere. Let me introduce you to San Miguel (Saint Michael for the anglophones) Beer. It's bottled Spaniard. God this beer tastes like dirt, sweat and has a grating effect on one's throat. Of course being beer I will drink it, but I want to make the world know, this is not your average lager.

San Miguel: A Spaniard in Every Bottle

2. Jeff and I must be from the same planet or something (or at least cruise the same websites). Things that I see and think about posting, he see and posts. The Wired story about the weird (Lisa, I'm reading the new issue of 'Weird' magazine) stuff that has shown up in sat. photos was seen by me, and I was going to post it, but I, like many many things in this world, left it for later (later being a euphemism for never). This happened before with Ron Mexico/Mike Vick story. It's getting strange.

3. French politics: The French are looking to completely render France irrelevant by voting "Non" on the European Constitution at the end of May. The big news right now - and it makes me think that the media is firmly in the no camp - is the expiration of the quota on textile imports from China (this also happened in the US, but I'm not sure if anyone cared - Nike shoes and Replithentic jerseys are now $2 or $3 cheaper and no one is complaining). Anyway, this is huge news on all of the main French TV stations because apparently before it was economically profitable to make textiles in France (because let's face it, I'm willing to pay $40 for a piece of cotton - oh wait, no I am not). Somehow the European constitution is responsible for this - don't ask how, it can't be explained. The French requested that the EU reinitiate quotas on Chinese textiles - we're waiting this outcome, but somehow the textile business thinks everything is going to be peachy and they can continue to work 35 hours and earn 20 euros per hour (pay based on a 40 hour work week, of course). The politicians (left and right) are going to right this wrong (free trade of course being the wrong). However, Monsieur Jean-Marie Le-Pen (extreme right, made comments to the effect that the Nazis did worse things in other countries), came out today on TV and said - 'The French textile industry must die.' This was more of a statement of forgone conclusion, based on the same type data that I quoted above. I really dislike LePen (who is unequivocally 'no'), economically he may be ok, but racially he is worse than David Duke. Anyway, my point (and I did have one when I started) is that it takes a fringe politician to tell anything that resembles the truth in France.

Googleblog

We all know that Google Maps are cool (especially the satellite maps, which you could play with for hours). Check out the Google Blog (naturally, it's a blog about all things Google), specifically the April 15 entry where they talk about the various weird things they've found on the satellite maps. The airplane graveyard is weirdly fascinating. And this Wired.com article about unexpected things captured by satellites is also intriguing. Cool stuff.

And Now For Something Completely Non-hideous

I just had to stop this blog's ugly trend.

For What's it Worth 1000

That picture that Kris passed along of a severly mulleted hillbilly groom taken after his "wedding" to his "wife" was so ridiculous that I had to find the origin of it. As it turns out it's one of many creative entries from a Photoshop contest on the Worth1000.com website called If Rednecks Ruled 3 (below is another example):

Wendy's Worst Nightmare

Not only do people not truly believe that the finger didn't come from Wendy's, they now have the finger-eater's mug as the new corporate "face."

Craptastic!

An instant classic: the New York Giants have for sale on thier website "Replithentic" jerseys. That's right, authentic replicas! I'll allow a moment for that to settle in. Now you can own the actual jersey that YA Tittle never wore. These jerseys conform to all the specifications that YA's jersey didn't. Or may have. Who knows? There were no specs then. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of cooking some kosher pork chops.

Army clears top brass in Abu Ghraib scandal

Top Brass Innocent

Thank God the government has concluded everyone above a private first class is completely innocent in this case. I, for one, applaud the openness and transparence that went into this investigation. It is about time that we stop blaming the high-ranking officers for these things that the ranks do. It is quite obvious to me that in the US army it was only a couple of bad eggs (mmm, bad egg) that took it upon themselves to methodically, and repeatedly, sexually and physically humiliate the scum of the earth that was at Abu Ghraib.

What I am trying to say, obviously, is that while the upper brass may not have ordered these actions (although they may have...) I think that in the Army they have a certain of responsibility. If we are going to start imprisoning CEOs for accounting irregularities, why shouldn't we also hold the CEO and middle management of the Army responsable for these fuck ups. The Army is where you have to ask your CO to shit - but somehow they came up with this themselves. hmm...

We didn't talk about Abu Ghraib that much at the time - I do not know what went on inside. I have mixed feelings about this. I really got pissed off at most of the international critics for grasping at this to prove how evil Americans are. Hell the first to jump on the anti-Abu Ghraib bandwagon were the fucks that urge good Muslims to commit suicide attacks on Israelis, Americans, and basically everyone that is not a 'Good' Muslim.

I think the US has the responsibility in the world to set an example - especially now that we are the country that is going to help 'Free' all the peoples of the world. (Who cares that we do billions and billions of dollars of trade with China.) If we want to set an example - torture; or at a minimum, non-Geneva Accords treatment of our enemies is not exactly the way to tell the world that we're here to help them.

NFL DRAFT FEVER!

There's nothing more exciting than realizing that it's going to be a rainy weekend and the only thing on ESPN is . . . THE 2005 NFL DRAFT! I can't think of anything better! Oh wait, I just thought of 74 things. Never mind. On my way back from lunch just now, I heard someone on sports radio inexplicably talking about the Indianapolis Colts getting a steal in the 3rd round with the 92nd overall pick. I will now vigorously scour my eyes with coarse sandpaper.

BTW, ESPN really needs another channel, because it's getting like MTV, which is an inaccurately named channel since there's no music on it anymore. The original ESPN should show major sporting events and Barry Bonds highlights all day long as they do now, and ESPN2 should show nothing but sporting events (some tape delay stuff is fine). The new ESPN3 can be reserved for all the "non-sports" the other two currently show: poker, fishing, auto racing, and the like. Also, they can have all of the "talk shows", "game shows", "original movies" and "behind the scenes" crap that clogs up the other 2 networks. This way, I'll never accidentally tune in.

Welcome to Open Hockey

From the producer of the infamous Eye-Opener blog, it's the Open Hockey blog: a brand spankin' new, wide open, freshly Zambonied rink of comedy. It's a place for everyone to pass around ideas, send a few jokes through the five-hole, and fire off a few rant slapshots. Okay, enough hockey analogies, you get the point. Oh, and your posts need not have anything to do with hockey.

Basically, I get a lot of funny e-mails from you guys, and I thought this would be a good place to store stuff like that, as well as any little comedy pieces or angst-ridden short stories you may have thought up. Or if you find a humorous, disgusting, or interesting web link or news item you want to share, put it here. And if we get something going on here that's top shelf comedy, I'll tart it up and put it on the Eye-Opener, replete with snazzy pictures and such.

So get out there, keep your sticks down, and no checking. Okay, that's the last hockey analogy I'm going to use. Really.