A Good Start

I read this little gem on slate yesterday:

"Yet twice in the last few weeks the Supreme Court has considered whether to hear Hamdan this winter or spring, and twice the justices have declined to say they will do so. Tomorrow, they may discuss the case for a third time. Four-hundred-and-fifty law professors issued a statement on Wednesday urging it to grant review."

450 law professors were in the same room? Damn! Where is a fucking terrorist when you need one?! Hey! Guys! Over there! Strap some C-4 to your ass and get in!

Opening Soon
John Maloney is running for re-election to our town council, and to show he's serious, he's outside the supermarket handing out jar openers that say "he's got a grip on the issues" Get it? A grip . . . jar opener? Eh? Ughhh.

The jar opener says "100 and 1 Uses" on the package. Allow me to list them for you:

1. Jar Opener

umm . . . . . hold on I gotta get the phone . . . . . . . . .ok I'm back, uh where was I? Oh yeah, Jar Opener, did I mention that one already?

Gimme an M!
I hate politicians as a rule, but sometimes election season gives us some fine unintentional comedy. Like Barry Popik's website. Barry is running for Manhattan Borough President, an office HIS OWN website describes as: "largely cheerleaders with press-release machines" Way to aim high Barry! If I'm going to elect a cheerleader for Manhattan it's going to be a blond chick with a nice rack. Then there is this nugget describing his views on important issues:

"We’ll ALL work for seniors. We’ll ALL work women. We’ll ALL work for lesbian and gay issues."

Hey Barry, I'm working the women as hard as I can, but you can't expect the gay men to help out there. Then this:

"Vote for me on November 8th you can find me on both the Republican/Liberal Party line."

A liberal and a republican? That means he will only send your 18 year old boy off to die in a war on illiteracy. See more of Barry's wisdom here.

Marvin's Brain - Bigger Than Pluto
A group of astronomers, (whose collective brainpower is dwarfed by Marvin's) have agreed that Pluto is not a planet. Not big enough, they have concluded. Wow, talk about a demotion. And what do the good people of Pluto now say when asked "What planet are you from?"

Well if that's the case, then I demand Plutonium be renamed "littlefrozenballofspaceshitonium".

EL EXPLODO!

While we're on the cigar theme . . . they told me it was a CAMACHO, much to my surprise!

THE OTHER SOX

All I could think of while seeing the Chicago White Sox celebrate their World Series victory was that Jose Contreras must have got them some great Cuban cigars for the celebration.

It's Good to Be Married

At the very least it don't suck. Hey, would I be this happy if it really wasn't good?

I was pretty banged up at this party. I just kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking.

SPAMMERS HATE BUNNIES!

The ad below is for Yahoo! SpamGuard. I don't know what the picture has to do with software that helps block unwanted email solicitations. I imagine they were going for a subliminal message here. Whatever it is, I'm allergic to rabbits, so it didn't really work for me.

MORTGAGE MONKEYS!

I can't imagine that there are people out there who would choose a mortgage lender solely because of this web ad:



Hey, look! Monkeys! They're so funny, and they'd never steer me wrong when it comes to 30 year fixed rate loans!

HALL OF THE PRETTY GOOD

This post is a long time coming, but this is something we noticed while at the Baseball Hall of Fame a few weeks ago: the more words engraved on your HOF plaque, the less of a player you were. For instance, take a look at Babe Ruth's HOF plaque vs. Ozzie Smith's:


GEORGE HERMAN (BABE) RUTH
BOSTON - NEW YORK A.L.; BOSTON, N.L.
1915-1935
GREATEST DRAWING CARD IN HISTORY OF
BASEBALL. HOLDER OF MANY HOME RUN
AND OTHER BATTING RECORDS. GATHERED
714 HOME RUNS IN ADDITION TO FIFTEEN
IN WORLD SERIES.

OSBORNE EARL SMITH
"Ozzie" "The Wizard"
SAN DIEGO, N.L., 1978-1981
ST. LOUIS, N.L., 1982-1996
REVOLUTIONIZED DEFENSIVE PLAY AT SHORTSTOP WITH HIS ACROBATIC
FIELDING AND ARTISTIC TURNING OF DOUBLE PLAYS. THE 13-TIME GOLD
GLOVE WINNER SET SIX MAJOR LEAGUE FIELDING RECORDS AMONG
SHORTSTOPS, INCLUDING MOST ASSISTS, DOUBLE PLAYS AND CHANCES
ACCEPTED. AN EFFECTIVE OFFENSIVE PLAYER, HE ACCUMULATED 2,460
HITS AND STOLE 580 BASES. NAMED TO 15 ALL-STAR TEAMS. HIS
RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION HELPED LEAD THE CARDINALS TO
THREE WORLD SERIES, INCLUDING A 1982 CHAMPIONSHIP. HIS
CONGENIAL PERSONALITY, CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONALISM AND
TRADEMARK BACK FLIP MADE "THE WIZARD" A FAN FAVORITE.

One of them was arguably the greatest baseball player ever, for which few words are needed. The other had a "trademark backflip", the most "chances accepted" (?) for a shortstop, and was "an effective offensive player", among a litany of other marginal accomplishments. Which means "he didn't suck", I guess. Look, they're both worthy of being in the Hall, but it's as if more words were needed to convince you that Ozzie belongs there. As Bookless said, "How about that thing he did for UNICEF? That's gotta count for something, right?"

RAIN HAIKU

What part of Noah did you not understand?

by Jeff K



This rain better stop
Or I'm pairing you all up
And building an ark

G TO THE E!

Because wine, lager and trendy alcoholic beverages are cutting into parent company Diageo's sales of Guinness, the Guinness Brewery has produced a "mellower" Guinness called Brew 39, to be available in Dublin pubs for 6 months as part of their "Brewhouse Series". What will it taste like?

"Guinness has a burnt, chocolaty, slightly harsh quality," said Sheehy, at the St. James Gate headquarters of Guinness, near the River Liffey in Dublin. "We have given Brew 39 a smoother, clean taste . . . The new stout uses less roast unmalted barley, which gives Guinness its bitter taste and dry palette. Also, hops are added at the end of the process which also reduces bitterness on the tongue"

That was going to be my guess, that they'd alter the roasting process. I don't know, but it seems like every time they mess with Guinness, it usually fails. The public hasn't warmed up to their recent Guinness Extra Cold, and the last time I checked, they stopped making Guinness Gold, Guinness Light, and Guinness XXX Extra Strong Stout.

My question is: if they insist on making new versions of Guinness, why don't they just call it something else? Call it something trendy like "Black Bull", "Velvet Revolver" or "G to the E", and say it's brought to you by the Guinness Brewery. Why taint the Guinness name? This quote was spot on:

"The answer isn't to mess about with the product, but rather invest in marketing the traditional heritage of the product," said Gerard Rijk, a beverage analyst at ING Financial Markets in Amsterdam, who has a 'buy' rating on Diageo. "Versions with cherries aren't the answer."

Meh. As long as they still make "Guinness Classic", I'll be okay.

BOMBING THE SMURFS

Okay, this is a little weird. In a recent ad campaign in Belgium, UNICEF has decided to bomb the shit out of the Smurfs, "to highlight the plight of ex-child soldiers in Africa" and hope to increase donations.


Out of an idyllic blue sky dotted with birds and butterflies come warplanes that carpet-bomb the Smurfs' forest village, killing Smurfette, leaving Baby Smurf wailing in distress and sending Papa Smurf and the others bolting for cover.

IT'S BAAAAAAAAACK.

The NHL is back, in case anyone was wondering. There are some new rules, but Barry Melrose still has the same old mullet. I was hoping Martha Burk's opposition to the new ads would force them to show the games without commercials, like the Masters a few years back, but no such luck. They do have a new logo, though, which I wouldn't have noticed unless the website was so proud of it.

Old vs. New:


So that's what they were doing for the past year and a half! Oh yes, that's much better! Silver and black instead of orange, and the letters are angled upward, the direction the league wants to go! It's basically a spit-shined version of the the old logo, like they removed the rust and went to town with the silver polish. But all I can think of is "Raiders". Anyway, a better logo should translate into a better on-ice game, right? They probably paid an advertising agency a bazillion dollars for this. Bottom line: your old hockey jersey is now obsolete, because it doesn't have the NHL logo on it.

Remember to tune into OLN (Obscure Little Network) tonight, if you can. OLN: The Channel You Didn't Know You Had. Oh wait, I don't have it, so I'll be watching the New Jersey Devils vs. the Pittsburgh Crosbys on FOX Sports Net, before that gets blacked out too.

(A Lemieux vs. Brodeur shootout wouldn't be a bad way to start things off . . . )

RANDUMB

Just once I would like to see someone hit David Ortiz with a pitch. Well, as it turns out that's exactly the amount of times it's happened this season. Big Papi, who digs in and crowds the plate during every at bat for the Red Sox, has only been hit by a pitch once. Derek Jeter has been hit 3 times by the Red Sox pitchers alone (8 total). Oh, and by the way, I said it on August 8th and I still believe that Joe Torre should be Manager of the Year, for guiding this deeply flawed and oft-injured 2005 Yankees team to win the AL East.

Why is everything I want always on the bottom shelf? Okay, maybe because I'm freakishly tall, it just seems like that. But more often than not, stores put the "XL" underwear on the bottom, and the "S" on the top. Think, people, think!

I love driving directions that tell you to "turn before" you get to a particular landmark. For example: "Make a right before you get to the old barn." Well, if I've never been there, how would I know where the old barn is BEFORE I get to it? Unless it's a huge landmark (like the Empire State Building), or the only thing you can see on the horizon, this almost guarantees that you're going to make the person have to turn around.

In the completely irrelevant news of the week, Ashton Kutcher married Demi Moore. I couldn't think of two people who deserve to be together more than these two. Now I can avoid all of their work as a couple, to save time. The question is: which one of them just got Punk'd? I think Jay Leno should buy that joke from me, it's that good.

Here's a great headline: Blake Says He Didn't Have Anyone Kill Wife. Because he did it himself! ZING! (Hey Jay, you could use that last one for your crappy "headlines" bit!) Ironically, this quote from the rambling Robert Blake comes on the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson "not guilty" verdict. It's said that everyone remembers where they were when it was announced on TV; as for me, I distinctly recall that I was nowhere near a TV. Yeah, I made it a point to avoid the media coverage of this case, because I didn't want it to effect my opinion of "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad".

President W has announced that he's nominated his White House lawyer, Harriet Myers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, even though she has no judicial experience. She was quoted as saying, "Oh no, I'm not a judge. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Buy those last three jokes, Mr. Leno, and you get a discount (I prefer PayPal).