BRAVO'S TOP 100 FUNNIEST MOVIES

Okay, I'll let you read this before I comment on it. It's the "Top 100 Funniest Movies" according to the Bravo network.

100. Anchorman
99. The Birdcage
98. School of Rock
97. Happy Gilmore
96. Four Weddings and a Funeral
95. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
94. Waiting for Guffman
93. The Aristocrats
92. Father of the Bride
91. Revenge of the Nerds
90. Clueless
89. Slapshot
88. Team America: World Police
87. The Kentucky Fried Movie
86. Zoolander
85. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
84. Silver Streak
83. Sister Act
82. Tootsie
81. Half Baked
80. Lost in America
79. Three Amigos
78. Bananas
77. Flirting With Disaster
76. Ghostbusters
75. Dumb and Dumber
74. Trading Places
73. City Slickers
72. Moonstruck
71. Roxanne
70. Nutty Professor
69. The Blues Brothers
68. Broadcast News
67. Kingpin
66. Dazed and Confused
65. Office Space
64. This is Spinal Tap
63. Manhattan
62. The Pink Panther
61. Election
60. When Harry Met Sally . . .
59. Police Academy (Series)
58. Private Benjamin
57. Swingers
56. Young Frankenstein
55. Bull Durham
54. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
53. Dr. Strangelove
52. Meet the Parents
51. National Lampoon's Vacation
50. The Princess Bride
49. American Pie
48. American Graffiti
47. 9 to 5
46. The Incredibles
45. Raising Arizona
44. Sixteen Candles
43. What About Bob?
42. Harold and Maude
41. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
40. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
39. Mrs. Doubtfire
38. Best in Show
37. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
36. Good Morning, Vietnam
35. Beetlejuice
34. Rushmore
33. Clerks
32. Groundhog Day
31. The Big Lebowski
30. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
29. Legally Blonde
28. Annie Hall
27. A Fish Called Wanda
26. Wayne’s World
25. Meet the Fockers
24. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
23. Big
22. Beverly Hills Cop
21. Shampoo
20. The Jerk
19. Wedding Crashers
18. Stripes
17. M*A*S*H
16. Old School
15. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
14. Napoleon Dynamite
13. Naked Gun (Series)
12. The Producers
11. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
10. Arthur
9. Blazing Saddles
8. The Wedding Singer
7. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
6. Airplane!
5. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
4. There’s Something About Mary
3. Shrek
2. Caddyshack
1. Animal House

Ugh. What a horrid list, I don't know where to start. First of all, it's obvious that we're leaning toward more recent frat-boy, fart humor comedies. But 6 movies with Ben Stiller in it? Vince Vaughn's entire ouevre? Meet the Fockers, Legally Blonde, Mrs. Doubtfire are all better than Monty Python and the Holy Grail? I don't think so. Plus, Shrek, The Wedding Singer and Ace Ventura shouldn't be anywhere near the Top 10, so move those out and put in Young Frankenstein, Holy Grail, and Annie Hall.

Right away, you can remove The Nutty Professor (yes, they chose the Eddie Murphy remake), The Incredibles, What About Bob? and Half Baked, and put Life of Brian, Fletch, a Marx Brothers movie (Duck Soup will suffice), and Some Like it Hot on there. Wait a sec--they included THE ENTIRE POLICE ACADEMY SERIES? Those movies didn't even make my Top 1000 funniest movies list.

This list makes me want to puke blood. If that was their intention, well, BRAVO!

ONE MINUTE OF THRASH

This is a new blog topic that will chronicle those brief, fleeting moments when you actually enjoy life (which means this will probably be the first and only post of its kind). While on the golf course with Rob on Sunday, each of us with cigars and beers in hand, he said, "Every once in a while, I'm actually thankful for being born." Or something to that effect. He attributed the quote to Krusty the Klown, remind me to Google that one to get it right. Anyway, I had to agree with the sentiment.

The name for this particular topic is a reference to a brief respite from the awful music that was playing in Bourbon Street after our round the other day. One of the bartenders switched the satellite radio to a thrash metal station, and although it only lasted for one minute, because it was lumped between Dan Fogelfuckingberg and The Gratefulfuckingdead it was quite enjoyable. It's all in the context.

Another "one minute of thrash" I had recently: while driving on a back road on the way to Nyack, a car coming out of a side street made a sudden right turn and merged into traffic 2 cars ahead of me, just barely squeezing into the opening between two cars, nearly hitting the car he cut off. A total dick move. Luckily, the car behind the car he nearly hit was an unmarked police car, who pulled him over immediately. You have to love that, because you see these moves every day and no one ever gets a ticket for it.

If you have one of those moments, no matter how lame, feel free to comment.

GOIN' BACK TO RALEIGH

The Buffalo Sabres have forced a Game 7, beating the Hurricanes 2-1 on a Briere OT goal that clipped Cam Ward's glove and rolled down his back into the goal, 4:22 into the extra period. After a stellar first period, they let the foot off the gas in the 3rd, trying to make the 1 goal stand and treating it like a 20 minute penalty kill. Big mistake. With about 4 minutes left, I even said out aloud to myself that Carolina was going to score, and they did. But luckily for the Sabres, Briere bailed them out.

So now we're goin' back to Raleigh, where there is currently a huge chewing tobacco shortage brought on by sudden, unprecedented interest in Carolina hockey games. As they say down there, judging by the out of state plates, we must have a sell out. Ironically, the 2006 hurricane season starts on Thursday, June 1 . . . will it also be the end of the Hurricanes' season? Stay tuned!

(Game 7 had better be in HD, instead of a taped rugby match and a Reds game, which is what was on tonight. So far, signs point to yes.)

Meanwhile, it's frigging crazy on Whyte Avenue in Edmonton, as they quickly drain the beer supply while waiting to play the Eastern Champion on Monday night.

HELLO, NUMMINEN?

The Sabres are on the chopping block tonight in Game 6, as one more loss to Carolina will eliminate them from the playoffs. I don't know how they came up with this number, but scienticians working around the clock have calculated that there's an 80% chance we'll say "Hello, Numminen" tonight. How did they determine that we can only wonder. Some other things that Buffalo needs to do tonight:

• Get an actual goal from Maxim Can't-finish-genov
• Do better on the power play (their 0-4 Game 5 performance ain't cutting it)
• Score more goals, while giving up less
• Put Stick-Em on McKee's stick so goals stop deflecting off of it into their own goal
• Take the bawdy!

Salo gives them a huge thumbs up, saying he's "semi-confident" that they'll win tonight, only to lose Game 7 to Rod "Bit o' Love" Brind'Amour* & Co. on Thursday. Wow, that's a Sabres fan for you, who's been Bit in the ass on many occasions (just ask Michael Peca about Game 6 in 1999). I just hope they extend the series so we don't get another showing of "Youngblood". You don't want to read my review. It's not pretty.

* He should shorten his name to "Rod Love". After retiring from the NHL, he could always go into porn.

UPDATE: HELLO, NUMMINEN! He's in there on D (Harpo? Zeppo?), and the Sabes have a 1-0 lead after one period. They are absolutely FLYING, playing inspired hockey. Oh, thanks Cablevision for not showing it in HD. Assholes.

Rumors of him taking the Blues GM job already have been greatly exaggerated: John Davidson has rejoined Doc Emrick in the booth for Game 6, after being mysteriously absent for the past few games (replaced by Eddie Olczyk). Here's my theory: he told OLN for the Conference Finals that he'd go to games in Buffalo and Edmonton, but screw Carolina. Just a thought. That's what I would do if I was JD.

HAPPY RECAP

Since I gave major props to the Sabres' RJ, I think it's only fitting to link to this tribute to Bob Murphy, the former Mets radio announcer who passed away in 2004. Some of his classic calls are on the MLB.com site. The 2 minute montage up here contains a bunch of these, including the first Mets game in 1969 brought to you by Rheingold Extra Dry, and "The Mets win the game, and they win the damn thing by a score of 10 to 9!" (I had previously thought the latter was from a playoff game, but it was a fairly innocuous Philly game on 7/25/90 in which the Mets were leading 10-3 entering the bottom of the 9th, and somehow squeaked it out.)

The summer airwaves will never be the same without him. It's a 1:05 start, and that means it's Tanqueray time!

RANDOM

The Pink Stink Killer, for eliminating your hockey bag odors. Not to be confused with Summer's Eve.

Finally, they've combined baseball and sudoku into this: Scoreboard Suduko. It basically makes you hate both games at once.

This is funny: a live re-enactment of Super Mario Bros. (level 1 of the original Nintendo game, in case you didn't know). I can't even imagine how much time they spent on this instead of studying for class.

MEANWHILE, IN ALBERTA

There's a beer shortage in Edmonton. I'm not kidding. So please, do whatever you can to help our neighbors to the North in their time of need. Send whatever ectra beer you have to Rexall Place, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Oh, but they don't really like Budweiser, so only if you have Labatt's or Molson or something. Hopefully, this national nightmare will soon be over.


Edmonton hockey fans create beer emergency
Updated Tue. May. 23 2006 11:34 PM ET

CTV.ca News Staff

As the Oilers battle their way to the Stanley Cup finals, bar owners in Edmonton are scrambling to keep beer on ice for thirsty hockey fans.

A report in the Edmonton Sun says managers of bars on Whyte Avenue, known as the Blue Mile during the hockey playoffs, have had to place emergency orders for beer.

WORKIN' FOR THE WEEKEND!

Everyone's watchin' to see what you will do!
Everyone's lookin' at you, Oh!
Everyone's wonderin' will you come out tonight?
Everyone's tryin' to get it right, get it right!

Everybody's workin' for the weekend!
Everybody wants a new romance!
Everybody's goin' off the deep end!
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh!

You want a piece of my heart?
you better start from the start!
you wanna be in the show?
c'mon baby let's go!

Everyone's lookin' to see if it was you!
Everyone wants you to come through!
Everyone's hopin' it'll all work out!
Everyone's waiting, they're holdin' out!

Everybody's workin' for the weekend!
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah!
Everybody's goin' off the deep end!
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh!

You want a piece of my heart?
you better start from the start!
you wanna be in the show!
c'mon baby let's go!

Hey!


Yes, I need a drink.

Wow, that video's gay. And Canadian. Cangaydian.

Anyway, Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

EXCELLENT!

Here's the Simpsons movie teaser, in case you haven't seen it yet.



Oh, and I'm putting the link to the Season 2 finale of LOST, because I still don't know what the hell happened, and I'm probably going to watch it again sometime . . .

CANADIAN IDOL

I'm going to come out and say it: I'm rooting hard for Edmonton tonight. Check oot the home crowd singing O Canada before Game 3, eh?



Who needs a singer? Stunning performance by the Rexall Place crowd. Look for the guy on the right belting it out about 0:58 into it, followed by Ducks goalie Bryzgalov's sheepish grin. Good stuff. Meanwhile here in the US, we merely mouth the words to the National Anthem, and start cheering 30 seconds before it's over as if to say, "Get it over with already!" God bless those crazy Canucks!

Meanwhile, despite numerous defensive injuries, the Sabres are digging deep and winning games, besting Carolina 4-3 last night to take a 2-1 series lead. By the way, I had no idea that Hurricanes fans call themselves "Caniac Nation". Ugh. I blame the idiots that follow the Red Sox for that.

UPDATE: Hoping for a Game 4 spark, the Ducks are going with a change in goal starting 2003 Conn Smythe Trophy winner J.S. Giguere tonight to avoid the sweep. Broom sales were reported to be brisk in the greater Edmonton area today.

LIKE A KIDNEY STONE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOB DYLAN!

You just turned 65! What are you going to do? Well, go out on tour, naturally. He's not doing a 300 date "Catch Me Before I Die" tour like 80-year old B.B. King, but he is playing a few European festivals, alongside some unlikely fellow musicians. One of these festivals that caught my eye was the Roskilde Festival in Denmark. The lineup sounds pretty interesting; however, the website isn't in English. So allow me to try and translate these single sentence "artist profiles" from the ancient Denmarkian language. Sorry, I mean Denmarkese:

AMPLIFIER (UK): Buldrende tungrock flirtende med både stoner-rock og grunge
"We used every adjective we could think of--they're probably a trainwreck."

FRANZ FERDINAND (UK): 80’ernes dansable postpunk tilsat træfsikre popmelodier
"Yeah, they're ripping off 80's bands, just shut up and dance."

PLACEBO (UK): Pirkende rockudladninger med lån fra glam og punk
"Your glam is in my punk!" "And your punk is all over my glam!" "Two great sounds that taste great together! Rockudladninger!"

TOOL (US): Introvert art-rock med metalliske tendenser
"Shiny happy people holding hands!!!"

MORRISSEY (UK): Følelsesladede popsange fra en af tidens største tekstforfattere
"Caution: Effeminate pop singer is fatter than appears on album."

BOB DYLAN (US): Én af rockhistoriens betydeligste sangskrivere
"Shhh! Don't tell him the rest of the lineup."

(Oh, there's a link for the English version of the website. Eh, that was more fun.)

THINGS THAT BUG ME

• Trucks that sit 20 feet behind the stop line and block an entire intersection, while you sit behind them and honk your horn and they don't move. Yet when you try to go around them, that's when they suddenly move and honk their horn, as if you're the idiot.

• The guy at the Carolina Hurricane hockey games that raises his arms up at completely random and inappropriate times during the game, seemingly just so he can get arms in the camera shot. I envision him having his friends over to watch the replay, saying "There's my hand! See it? There it is again! Watch closely, during this meaningless cross-ice outlet pass, there's my hand again!"

• People who spend way too much time shopping for a toothbrush. Save yourself valuable time and buy the one that comes free with the toothpaste, and stop clogging up the aisle!

• The Chinese kidnapping Jack Bauer on the season finale of 24. Why do they have to ruin everything?

• People who send a racehorse get well cards and food, when they probably wouldn't do the same for a human being suffering the same hardship.

• Co-workers who look at your phone's caller ID display while it's ringing, even though it's none of their fucking business who's calling you.

• Cell phone companies, who have all conspired to: 1) make you pay for minutes you never use, 2) charge you to check your own voicemail, 3) make you sign 2 year long agreements (and charge you $150 for breaking it), 4) charge full price for phones if you happen to break it or lose it during the agreement. Any other phone company that would make you do the above would be out of business.

• The new TGIFriday's commercial, featuring four carnivorous friends who are way too excited about their meat (Steak! Pork! Ribs!). They are markedly less enthusiastic about their friend's "vegetable medley", until he succumbs to peer pressure and whips out his sausage! Horrible, moronic, annoying, not to mention a little phallic and homoerotic--I would expect nothing less from a crap-slinging eatery like TGIFriday's.

• Those who come up with things like "mobile phone episodes" of TV shows, and on top of that, call them "mobisodes". Ugh.

• People who don't think monkeys are funny. Personally, I'm thinking of renting the MVP "Most Valuable Primate" trilogy for the long M-Day weekend.

• People who refer to sacred holidays like "Memorial Day" using the abbreviation "M-Day".

WHERE MAMA HIDES THE COOKIES

The Sabres are going home with the series tied up 1-1, after a 4-3 loss in Carolina (a goal with 2.7 seconds left makes it appear closer than it was). I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some various audio clips of the voice of the Sabres, Rick Jeanneret.

Someone calling himself "The Irish Trojan" posted a number of RJ sound clips on his blog (look for the "audioblog.com" players):
From the highlights of the deciding Game 5 vs. the Senators, you get his famous "top shelf where mama hides the cookies" line to start off. And to end it (fast forward to 2:36 in), be sure to check out his "scary good" call after Pomenville's winning SH goal. (All the goals can be found in mp3 form here.)
Here's his call of the 18 second OT in Game 1 vs. the Sens.
This post has two clips on it: the Brad May game, and the quadruple OT Game 6 vs. NJ in 1994. There are also several articles on there, and it brings back memories. Of course, the Devils wound up winning Game 7. Sorry about that (ha ha).

(Previously, I had erroneously thought the "hides the cookies" line was from Penguins' announcer Mike Lange. Of course, he's penned several good lines himself, including "Scratch my back with a hacksaw!", "Get in the fast lane Grandma, the bingo game's ready to roll!", and this year's "Oh slap me silly, Sidney!")

Anyway, good stuff. I'm so used to the local guys (Doc Emrick, John Davidson, Sam Rosen, and the like), that I don't get to hear the other guys too much, and it's quite enjoyable.

If you're unable to enjoy the Sabres games (like if you're in France, or somewhere silly like that), the Bfloblog is always a good site to visit.

LET'S GO BUFFALO!

PECA HEADS HOME UP 2-0; BUFFALO SOLDIERS FIGHTING ON ARRIVAL

Edmonton is up 2 games to nil after another Pond hockey win, and Buffalo can get there tonight. Hope you enjoyed the snappy wordplay. It's Monday, that's the best I could come up with.

What a stunning turn of events at the Preakness. Barbaro, winner of the Kentucky Derby, first jumped out of the gate too early, and then on the restart broke his right rear leg 100 yards into the race. Pretty awful. What a rollercoaster ride.

Other stuff:
Your tax dollars at work, still looking for Jimmy Hoffa.
Never trust a Wagner.
Check out Sports Frog's Le Thread Officiel for actual hockey fans discussing actual hockey. I find myself reading Off Wing Opinion frequently as well.
Chivas and Red Bull: which one is harder to stomach, the MLS game or a drink mixing the two?
If you didn't hate egocentric moron Joe "Everything Was Better When I Was Playing" Morgan before, you will now.
Russ Springer is my hero. And I'm not the only one who feels that way (judging by the thrilled Astros fans in this home video):



And this video is simply called "Kevin Stevens and Bryan Trottier vs. Bryan Bellows (careful, this is NSFW*):



*Not Safe For Work

2006 STANLEY CUP CONFERENCE FINALS PREVIEW

The NHL playoffs have been exciting, I can't lie to you. Well, I can, but I won't now. The Buffalo/Ottawa series began with a score not unlike a CFL game, and ended up with the Sens getting ousted for the 47th consecutive postseason. The Ducks were mighty, and the Devils layed a huge egg in the 2nd round, getting wiped out by the Hurricane invasion. But with my team stored away in the attic for another summer, now I can relax and watch the Stanley Cup playoffs in relative peace.

Kris pointed this out to me: it's TSN's Maggie the NHL playoff predicting monkey!

Maggie - the furry, crab-eating macaque from the Bowmanville Zoo - has returned to the NHL on TSN.

Ha ha! Monkeys! Wait a sec--crab eating? What's wrong with bananas? I had a nightmare about a crab eating my caque once. So how does she/it choose the winners? Whatever team logo has the most feces thrown on it? Regardless, the Stanley Cup Simian didn't pick Anaheim to win in the first round, so how can she/it get credit for picking them to win the second round? Well, if that's the way we're going to calculate it, I was a stunning 6-2 in the FIRST ROUND and a near-perfect 3-1 in the SECOND ROUND (DAMN YOU TO HELL, DEVILS!), for a monkey-spanking 9-3 record. I'd like to thank everyone involved for making my blognostications stand up.

Anyway, after a bit of a lull, it all starts up again tonight. So here's what to look for in the Conference Finals:

EASTERN CONFERENCE
#2 Carolina vs. #4 Buffalo
Regular season head-to-head: 2-1, CAR
Player to Watch: Chris Drury, BUF
Carolina looked impressive in snuffing out NJ, with an incredibly efficient PP, Eric Staal playing well, and Captain Ron--uhm, Rod Brind'Amour was an absolute rock, winning 75% of his faceoffs. But this Sabres team has it all: fast skaters, impact players on every line chipping in, a hot rookie goaltender in Miller--what's not to like? I was going to pick the Sabres to make the finals regardless (even over the Devils had it come to that), because I think they're scary good. This should be a good series, and a showcase for the "newfangled NHL" everyone's talking about (despite the quality, it will have the "old" ratings). Sabres in 6.


WESTERN CONFERENCE
#6 Anaheim vs. #8 Edmonton
Regular season head-to-head: 3-0, EDM
Player to Watch: Chris Pronger, EDM
It's been quite a nice ride for the bottom feeding Oilers, and why shouldn't it continue? Duck goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov has been phenomenal (0.87 GAA and 96.7 save percentage), and the Ducks D has been mighty--oops, I forgot they don't like it when you call them that. But the Oilers have been solid, with Pronger, Smith and Peca anchoring this squad, and Roloson looking sharp, and it's hard to bet against them. Plus, O Canada is the best national anthem ever. At this rate, I have to make sure I don't get electrocuted before it's over. Oilers in 7.

So yeah, I'm rooting for a BUF/EDM final matchup (ratings be damned!), because what else do those cities have going for them? Carolina? You've got golf courses and beaches. Anaheim? Disneyland, swimming pools, movie stars and more beaches. Buffalo and Edmonton? Hockey and hockey. That's about it. So they deserve it in my book.

Oh, here's yet another reason why NO NHL playoff games should be on at 2:00 in the afternoon: the Yankees play the Mets @ 1:20 PM for Game 2 of the overhyped subway series, and there are several other interleague series on in major TV markets (Chicago, L.A., SF/Oakland) at the same time. Add to that the 7 hours of Preakness pre-race coverage on ESPN, and virtually no one will watch the NHL. Then they're going to wonder why hockey gets low ratings. Hmmmm . . .

UPON FURTHER REVIEW

With the staggering volume of movies, DVDs (new, re-released, and special editioned), CDs (new and reissues) and downloadable music, we rely on reviewers more than ever to sort it all out. The prevalence of websites such as Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes are evidence of this trend, and with The Da Vinci Code out today and getting decidedly mixed reviews (the French laughed during the Cannes screening!), a few naysayers can make or break the success of an artist's creation. Of course, sometimes a reviewer simply has a bad day, and it's probably not a good idea to take just one guy's word for it. But it's a start.

I just recently downloaded a few tracks (legally from emusic.com, thanks for asking) from the new Grandaddy album "Just Like the Fambly Cat", because I mostly enjoyed 2001's Sophtware Slump, but also because it's been reviewed very favorably. However, one of the songs, Where I'm Anymore, features a chorus with lead singer Jason Lyte singing "meoooow meow-meow-meow meooow". I shit you not. He's imitating a cat. I guess I wouldn't mind if he sang "laaaa la-la-la laaaa" instead, because that's a time honored rock music convention that I can deal with. But he's fucking MEOWING? I could almost understand if it was a Meow-Meow Kitty tribute album, but it's not. It reminds me of the old Meow Mix commercials, and for the record, that's not a good thing. Every article I read about it fails to mention this fact. Thanks for the warning, guys!

In some cases, it pays to just download a track or two vs. a whole album, and reviews certainly help in this case. Case in point: the new Raconteurs and Gomez albums, which have been universally reviewed as being "meh", but have two damn good singles "Steady, As She Goes" and "How We Operate", respectively. Until you guys can put out a full beginning-to-end solid album, I'll just pick and choose, thanks. With several songs clocking in at 11 minutes, perhaps Tool is trying to give the iTunes crowd more bang for their download buck--it's a shame that most of that length is self-indulgent filler, according to several reviews (well, Rob said it, for one). Funny how people focus on that in their reviews, but never complain about the length of CCR's "Heard it Through the Grapevine" or Led Zep's "Stairway to Heaven".

Sometimes, reviews can just be blisteringly funny. The review for Tool's Lateralus on Pitchforkmedia.com (billed as "My Summer Vacation, by Crispin Fubert, Ms. Higgins' Eng. Comp. 901") was one of the funniest in recent memory, including the line, "Then at the end there's this part where Danny Carey hits every drum he has." Of course, the music industry constantly steals and samples from itself in a sort of reverant plagiarism, so why can't music reviewers do the same? I saw this line, discussing how Tool is not a "progressive rock" band, in the review of 10,000 Days on Stylus Magazine: "'Progressive' doesn’t mean clocking in at over seven minutes no matter what. It doesn’t mean hitting every goddamn skin, tom-tom, and cowbell on your drum set." Oops. Looks like he probably had that review in the back of his head from 5 years ago, and it just leaked into his article.

I just wanted to point this out: the Top 10 Billboard/Soundscan album chart this week is strangely rock heavy. With Red Hot Chili Peppers, Tool, Neil Young, Pearl Jam, and Bruuuuuuce all with new albums out, the majority of the titles are from established rockers, with Jagged Edge the only R&B/hip-hop/rap album to be found (the calm before the storm?). Is rock back? Did it ever go anywhere? You make the call!

Anyway, did I mention that the guy from Grandaddy MEWS LIKE A FUCKING CAT?

JUMP THE SEA MONSTER

Classic quote posted on jumptheshark.com about where it all went wrong for Sid & Marty Kroft's 70s kids show/acid trip "Sigmund the Sea Monster":

This show jumped when Sid and Marty Kroft allowed Martin Scorsese to direct the first episode of the final season. Scorsese shot the episode in super 8 black and white instead of the traditional Kroft brothers video format. Scorsese also introduced two new characters to the cast: Robert Duvall who played a one legged Korean war veteran with a severe gambling problem who went by the name Anthony O'Leary, and his enabling mother, who was played by Scorsese's mother. The show's venue was moved from the sunny coasts of California, to Manhattans Washington heights section. The episode was monumental in its wind swept shots of the streets of Brooklyn's Coney Island where Sigmund and the boys spend most of their time trying to unload bunk scag and playing three card monty and C-lo, along with shots of Blurp and Slurp riding the subway trying to find Slurps epileptic girlfriend, who he is convinced is cheating on him. I don't think Scorsese had enough character development for a half hour Saturday morning show. However, the final scene when Sigmund beats Duvall to death with the "shellaphone" accompanied by The Yardbirds' "When Will It End" was a masterpiece.

MST3K: VOLUME 9 DVD

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 9 DVD set is out. This latest installment features these movies:

104 - WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET
207 - WILD REBELS
613 - THE SINISTER URGE (with short: KEEPING CLEAN AND NEAT)
812 - THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES

That's two Joels, two Mikes, and an Ed Wood (for those scoring at home, or even if you're alone).

If you've seen this show before, and wondered how it's possible that Wilmer Valderrama is on TV 24/7, while this incredibly funny show is nowhere to be seen, GO BUY THIS DVD SET.

If you've never seen this show before, and you've just stumbled across this blog, GO BUY THIS DVD SET. (You also have a lot of catching up to do, since there are 8 previous box sets that you have to buy, plus the "Essentials".)

If you're not sure, GO BUY THIS DVD SET.

In any case, you will not be disappointed.

I can't express the importance of this enough.

That's all I've got today.

NONE THE WEISER

I visited the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Merrimack, NH on Saturday afternoon. Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, I despise the Budweiser family and everything they stand for, namely using marketing to dominate the market and distract the public from the overwhelming mediocrity of their products. But since I'm a beer fan, I thought I'd go see how the "other half lives" (which is a true statement, since half of all beer sold in the US is made by A-B). Plus, it was raining like a bitch, and at the end of the free tour you can sample two 12 ounce beers of your choosing in the "lounge". Why not?

While on the tour, I learned a few interesting things about the evil A-B empire:

• They account for 50% of all beer sales in the USA
• Bud Light is the #1 beer in the world, Budweiser #2
• They have bottling machines capable of filling 1200 bottles a minute (holy crap!)
• Of the 12 American bottling plants, this was the smallest in size; regardless, the bottling floor itself covers 7 acres
• The strips of beechwood that they use during manufacturing does nothing to the flavor or color of the beer, it merely absorbs the yeast (making "beechwood aged" another useless advertising claim)
• Beer pasteurization began long before the process was used on milk
• Clydesdale horses are freaking huge, a fitting mascot for a huge company determined to trample its competitors

Perusing their vast product line, you realize that that the "King Of Beers" is the only original thing they've ever created--and that was nearly 150 years ago. Besides the usual suspects, which are essentially the same beer with varying amounts of water added, everything else that they produce is merely a knockoff of another major brand: the green-bottled Anheuser World Lager is trying to copy Heineken, Michelob Amber Bock wishes it was a Sam Adams brew, Tequiza is a clear bottled Corona copycat, and they even have something called 180°, which is a Red Bull rip-off in the exact same size can, no less. It's pretty insidious when you think about it, as if they're hoping people will accidentally pick their product because it sort of looks and tastes the same, and since it's always cheaper they may stick with it. In a way, they're like an aging drug company that's made a load of money mass-producing aspirin since the beginning of time, but has also decided that they want a piece of the generic market, and randomly starts copying popular drugs and undercutting the competition.

But most shockingly, they've even attempted to replicate Guinness. Good God, what is this world coming to? Bare Knuckle Stout is their version of the famous Irish brew, and while they've got the color right, and it does cascade down the glass to produce a frothy cream colored head, it's got no taste whatsoever. It's bland and watery, with none of the roasted chocolate malt flavors of the originator--in other words, exactly what I expected from A-B. You could call it "Barely Noticable Stout". But hey, at least the marketing materials are top-notch, consisting of a cool looking tap and a boxing ring bell both with a bare knuckle fighter logo on it (again, suggesting ever-so-subtly that they're trying to knockout their challengers). They've even "repurposed" the black and tan calling it an "Irish American", which consists of Bare Knuckle Stout and Budweiser. Ugh. (Interestingly, the website claims that Rainbow Grill in Pomona sells this stuff. Yeah, that's fitting in a way.)

In other words, the monolithic Anheuser-Busch monarchy is not happy just producing millions of bottles an hour and being the biggest beer producer on the planet (even becoming an official sponsor of the 2006 World Cup and selling their swill in *GASP* Germany); they also want to eliminate the competition by giving you a cheaper, blander alternative to EVERYTHING. I've got an idea for the Anheuser and Busch families: just stick to what you know, mainly churning out unoffensive, uninspiring, watered-down, crap beer for the masses, and let the microbrews take care of themselves. You already make more than enough money ($5.5 billion in gross profits in 2005).

ONE-TIMERS

Here are some random one-timers, lines/ideas/jokes that are good but don't require fleshing out into a whole paragraph, courtesy of Rob, Karl and I.

• Good line from (WFAN's) Steve Somers yesterday: “The NJ Devils, still the hottest team in the NHL, having won 16 of their last 20.” (rv)

• Typical small talk conversation at work: "How about that weather? And how the weather affected the traffic, because the driver couldn't control his vehicle because of the aforementioned weather? I hear we're supposed to get more weather sometime in the near future! Can you believe that?" It's the only common topic that I can talk about with my coworkers, and I don't fucking care. (jk)

• Just heard a radio commercial for Pathmark supermarkets, where they say “our produce is guaranteed fresh, in fact if it’s not fresh, it’s free”. So if it’s rotten, I can have it free? Thanks. Also, canned goods that have telltale signs of botulism are 50% off. (rv)

• Business idea from Karl, the ABM (Automatic Bartending Machine): "We get a vending machine, you have it scan your driver's license and a credit card each time you want a drink. It'll keep track of how many you've had, and weigh you when you stand in front of the machine. When you get over the legal limit it cuts you off. Technically, we didn't serve anyone; they all served themselves. No liability. Where do I sign?"

Brilliant!

• I just read an music article about "Poptimism vs. Rockism". I found these terms on a major website (MSN Slate, and NYT, to be exact), and no I'm not going to explain it, or even tell you how it marks the rapid decline of American society, because I think that's implicit. (jk)

• I read a book last night, and I felt guilty that I missed "a very special Deal or No Deal", with guest star Regis Philbin and some disgusting ratings-grab tearjerker about soldiers in Iraq. Now we have very special game shows? What the fuck? Why can't it just be a vapid game show that only requires a brain stem to play, and even less to watch? (jk)

SABRES ECSTACY, DEVILS AGONY

These two pictures sum it up, as the Sabres move on to play the Hurricanes, and the Devils go home (great, now the northern NJ golf courses are going to be PACKED).



Oh, and more evidence that this country is retarded: San Jose fans booed the Canadian national anthem. Good job, idiots. This article about the NHL's continuing problems, namely judging their success based on ratings (and you know the media is going to attack when this small market Stanley Cup finals gets the worst Nielsen ratings since 1955), and catering to fans who didn't grow up with the sport (in fair weather towns in the South) instead of the die hard fans, is spot on.

* * *

I was in southern New Hampshire this weekend, where it rained for 48 straight hours. I'm not talking about "a shower here or there" or "light drizzle" either; this was ridiculous, Biblical, Ark-building type rain. They got 10" of rain (and counting) where my sister lives, and they are supposed to get another 1-2" through tonight. Unreal. Luckily, although every river and stream was out of its banks and countless roads were closed, they weren't really affected by the flooding.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

For all you mothers out there, here's Derek Jeter using a pink bat.



I think I heard Ralph Kiner once say: "Jeter is benefiting from a new rule. Back in nineteen-aught-seven, the umpire could call you out just because he thought you were gay."

As far as I know, only Bill Hall of the Brewers hit a HR with the pink sticks (a walk-off, no less).

UPDATE: Of course, the mighty Deadspin was on top of the pink bat stats, stating that not only did Mark Kotsay also have a pink-bat HR (PBHR), but Randy Johnson gave up the most pink-bat-hits (PBH), as the players from the A's with the pinkies went 3-for-4 against him.

IS DRINKING CONSIDERED A SPORT?

Because it's Friday, here's a tribute to drunken sports figures!

Here's the latest victim, Rick Sutcliffe, who was rambling about god knows what in the booth right after golfin' and drinkin' with Bill Murray in San Diego.



And of course, it's Joe Namath with Suzy Kolber. A classic.



I wanna kiss you!

GO WITH THE FRO

QUIZ: Which one looks more like a clown? New York Mets "pitcher" Jose Lima . . .



or Carolina Hurricanes defenseman #22 Mike Commodore (whose number should be 64)?



I think it's a wash. Or should I say, I think they both need a wash.

Regardless, the Carolina Hurricanes are up 3 games to none after a 3-2 win vs. the Devils in Game 3. It would take a comeback of Redsoxian proportions to come back and win this. Ugh, the Hurricanes are about to blow the Devils out of the playoffs AGAIN. I'd feel much better about it if it were the Hartford Whalers.

Meanwhile, the Sabres gave up a late goal as Ottawa forces OT. I wish this game was on . . .

And the Sabres have done it, getting a J.P. Dumont goal in OT to win 3-2 and take a 3 games to none lead! Well, at least I predicted one series correctly . . .

DEVILS NEED TO NOT SUCK TONIGHT

Understatement of the Day, from the Great White North's TSN.ca: Sens need to play better in Buffalo. No shit, Sawchuk! Since they're down 2 games to zip, I'm going out on a limb and saying they have to get at least 1 win in the next 2 games. This astute observation ranks up there with: "Spilling hot coffee in your crotch may be painful" and "Most of the rest of the world hates the USA". Karl said that ESPN should have a headline: Devils Need To Not Suck. Indeed, because with Carolina up 2 games to nothing and Brind'Amour still unbearably ugly, if they lose tonight it's pretty much over.

* * *

Discussing the relative merits of jury duty with Bookless over coffee today, I couldn't bring myself to argue against it; when we came to the conclusion that it would actually be a refreshing break from work, we realized that it's probably time to find new jobs.

* * *

Most overused phrase: "Since 9/11 . . . " Yes, I understand that a lot has changed, but please stop using it as a magic dividing line for completely unrelated topics. For instance, I read somewhere "after 9/11, teenage drinking in NYC went up 11%". So what? Was it going up anyway? I'm going to say probably, since you didn't provide any other data, or compare it to a national number for comparison. Is there a direct cause/effect here? I'm going to guess that you can't prove it.

Soon we'll be saying stuff like, "Since 9/11, traffic on the Tappan Zee has been horrendous", "Since 9/11, Drew Bledsoe's pass completion percentage has been way down", or "Since 9/11, you just can't get a good turkey sandwich".

HOCKEY UPDATE

It started off with a shot of Lorelai waking up after crashing on Sookie's couch, just staring into the camera silently, and a bit sadly. It ended with a shot of her lying in bed, having just slept with Christopher (the father of her daughter Rory), after failing to get the practical Luke to stop putting off their marriage and spontaneously elope with her, staring into the camera silently, and a bit sadly.

Didn't see that coming.

The reason I tuned in was the promise of "musical guests", who in the form of "troubadours" bombard the town of Stars Hollow: Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon (with their daughter Coco) from Sonic Youth, Hoboken's own Yo La Tengo, who-knew-they-were-still-alive 80s synth-pop band Sparks, and even 24's Mary Lynn Rajskub, doing her best (worst?) Jewel impression. The reason I continued to watch was Lauren Graham. I really dig her.

Yeah, her daughter played by Alexis Bledel, is cute, but Graham is hugely adorable and funny in this role. Maybe part of her appeal is the witty wordplay and smart references that creator/writer Amy Sherman-Palladino supplies her with (she's done working on the show with this ep), but she makes it work for me.

Uhm, let me explain. You see, Gilmore Girls was the only program worth watching that was in HD tonight. Screw it, I don't have to explain anything to you! Okay, I'm sorry, I'll be gay on my own time.

Oh, the Ducks just won in OT, 4-3, with ALL FOUR GOALS scored by Joffrey Lupul, to give them a 3-0 lead in the series. So far, all four series are one-sided, and we'll see if that can change tomorrow. HOCKEY!!! GRRRRR!!! There. I feel more manly already.

SABRES RATTLE SENS

Wow! I'm shocked by the Sabres winning two in Ottawa; I thought at best they'd get a split, but they got it done last night. In a Game 2 that more closely resembled hockey on Planet Earth, Miller looked great (from the highlights), and made one stop between his pads with the puck inches from a goal to seal it. Yeah, Connelly may have been made into Umberger, but they got Hecht back, who promptly scored a pretty goal. Like I said, Ottawa always looks invicible . . . until the playoffs. Meet the new NHL, same as the old NHL.

To sweep another team, everything has to fall just right, and you get a few lucky bounces along the way. After a dominant performance against the Rangers, everything is suddenly going wrong now for the Devils. Game 1 featured the first two goals bouncing in off of skates and sticks, and then a complete collapse on the PK by the whole team. They played better in Game 2 last night, taking the body every and often, but got badly outshot in the 2nd and 3rd, and it was only a matter of time before Carolina broke through . . . but what a crappy way to lose. After Gomez scored the go-ahead goal on a deflection with 20.7 seconds to go, they gave up the tying goal with 3 seconds left, and ended up blowing it on an OT goal that went in off the shooter's skate (or so I'm told, I couldn't watch it). Ugh. Well, if they don't turn it around at home, there's always golf!

I wonder what color commentator Glenn "Chico"/"Pride of Moose Jaw" Resch does during the games that Doc Emrick and John Davidson are chosen to work a Devils game. I picture him watching the game in his den, drinking from a bottle of Canadian Club and screaming at the screen: "I was between the pipes for this fucking team, why didn't they ask me? You call that color? I can run circles around you, JD! How many NHL wins do you have, fat boy? How many Bill Masterson Trophies do you have, eh? 'Oh, baby' my ass!" Okay, that's probably not accurate. He's probably drinking Crown Royal.

* * *

I had to make a joke about this: the Yankees have Mini Balls! According to the commercial, it's the most sought after collectible ever. Ever. In the history of modern civilization. When we say EVER, we mean EVER, without hyperbole. Even more sought after than a Babe Ruth game-worn jock strap, dinosaur DNA, and Hitler's skull. You are going to be regretting the fact that you passed on the Carl Pavano Mini Balls for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. ForEVER.

* * *

Speaking of, I found 7 good golf balls near the road while riding my bike past Dellwood Country Club, right near my house. With mostly Titleists in the mix (including 2 Pro V1x's), I probably made about $15-20, which is more than enough incentive for me to ride my bike more often. It turns out that 3 out of 4 rich duffers prefer Titleist.

ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

You knew it had to happen sooner or later: the Devils winning streak is over. And how. Carolina rocked them like the proverbial Scorpions song in Game 1, tallying 6 goals and letting in zero, scoring every way they wanted to: off a defenseman's skate, off Brodeur's stick, off the backboard, nothing but net. Devs took too many penalties (8 in the second period alone), and it all added up to a dominant 'Cane performance, even more stunning than the Ducks' waxing of the Avs the previous night. But hey, it's only one game. Hey, and it was over early so I could go hit some golf balls before the horsey show.

One other question: why doesn't Buffalo and Ottawa play Game 2 until Monday? Who scheduled this shit, the NBA?

I was making guacamole last night, and as I was chopping up the avocado on my new blue cutting board I suddenly got a weird feeling of deja vu. I know I've seen that somewhere before . . .



Oh yeah, some band from Seattle may have something like that on an album cover.

HORSEPLAY

Here are my uneagerly awaited Top 5 horses (in alphabetical order) for today's 132nd Kentucky Derby presented by YUM! Brands* (odds from morning line):

#10 A.P. Warrior (15:1)
#8 Barbaro (4:1)
#7 Bob and John (12:1)
#5 Point Determined (12:1)
#11 Sweetnorthernsaint (10:1)

If you include these horses in your exacta bets, they're guaranteed to win money (NOT A GUARANTEE). Even though it's a dry track this year, my favorite horses are muddlers. Speaking of, please excuse me while I go julep myself into oblivion. May the horse be with you.

(I think I just like doing this stuff just to see how utterly wrong I was afterwards; I know nothing about horses.)

*Oh, and I wish I was kidding about the sponsor, which is responsible for KFC, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut (beware of their use of horse meat).

UPDATE (6:24 PM): Barbaro wins by 7 lengths, with Bluegrass Cat placing, and Steppenwolfer riding the magic carpet to show. Yeah, I predicted that. Sort of.

EYE OPENER: SABRES STEAL GAME 1 FROM SENS

BUF 7 Final OT
OTT 6

That was a ridiculous game, from start to finish. A wide open affair more akin to EA Sports NHL 2001 on the Playstation, with defensive lapses galore and porous goalies, featuring:

* 13 goals
* Two shorthanded goals by Buffalo
* 6 ties (and Buffalo was down a goal 5 different times)
* 3 goals scored in first 3:20
* 3 goals scored in the final 1:37 of regulation
* An OT that lasted only 18 seconds (4th quickest)

Whew.

I wasn't even sitting down when Grier scored 35 seconds in, and after Spezza and Smolinski scored 15 seconds apart to make it 2-1 only 3:20 in, I was thinking this game could end up 11-10. It would take too long describe the whole game, so let's just take a look at the final half of this one.

After the Sabres tied it up with 30 seconds left in the 2nd (Roy, 4-4), they gave up a quickie only 16 seconds into the 3rd (Fisher, 5-4 OTT). It stayed that way until the Sabres drew a penalty with 3 minutes left canceling their own PP, but managed to score shorthanded with 1:37 left to tie it up (Roy, 5-5). Only 24 seconds later, with Ottawa still on the PP, the Sabres D overcommitted and gave up a wide open goal (Smolinski, 6-5 OTT). After an unsuccessful empty net attempt by Ottawa, the Sabres brought it down the other end, and scored the tying goal (Connelly, 6-6) with only 10 seconds left when Emery couldn't cover up the puck! What a rollercoaster ride.

If you blinked, you would have missed the OT. On a Ottawa giveaway just inside the blue line, Grier passed it to Drury for the winner, only 18 seconds in. Unbelievable.

The Sabres completely stole that one from the Sens. I was impressed by this Buffalo team, they never stop skating, and never quit. Wow.

This series could be crazy . . .

(Oh, and I give permission to CBS Sportsline to use the name of my Eye-Opener blog.)

2006 NHL STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS: SECOND ROUND PREVIEW

The second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs is upon us!

Just a few notes from the first round, where all 4 top seeds won in the East, and the bottom 4 seeds won in the West. Does this mean the West is deeper? With three of the best teams coming out of the East, does this mean one of them will be carving their name in the Cup? As for my blognostications, I guessed 6 of the 8 series correctly, only whiffing on Detroit (who didn't?) and Calgary (downed by the Ducks in Game 7). It's been an exciting playoffs so far, closely officiated, and crisply played, with the most "electric" game being Game 6 in Edmonton, with Hemsky scoring the tying and go-ahead goals in the final 4 minutes for the come from behind win, as the home crowd exploded with delight and could probably be heard in Saskcatchewan.
As predicted, the Sabres prevailed, because Philly's goaltending let them down once again. In true Philly phashion, at the end of the Game 6 thrashing, their phans booed and had to be told to refrain from throwing things on the ice. Way to say thanks to your team for a great season, you ungrateful shitheads! Overall, the Swedes didn't look good: Lundqvist was hurt down the stretch and a step behind in the playoffs, Forsberg showed minimal effort in Game 6 (apparently, he's hurt again), Detroit packed up early for the 3rd season in a row--but at least they won the Olympic Gold!

So let's look at the second round matchups:

PRINCE OF WALES (EASTERN) CONFERENCE
#2 Carolina vs. #3 Devils
Head to head: 2-2
Player to Watch: Patrick Elias, NJ
What can you say about this Devils team? They've won 15 in a row, Marty has been Marty, Elias has been otherworldly. Brind'Amour has been the quintessential captain, scoring 4 goals, 2 assists as they came back after being down 2 games to none vs. MTL. The biggest problem is that Carolina is an attack team with an unknown goalie, Cam Ward, who has played fantasticly after stepping in to relieve the struggling Gerber. This is going the distance, but Marty and the Devs will ultimately prevail. Devils in 7.

#1 Ottawa vs. #4 Buffalo
Head to head: 5-3, OTT
Player to Watch: Ryan Miller, BUF
These two division foes know each other well, and I think this will translate into a fast paced, well played series. Ottawa is an explosive offensive team, but haven't we said this several seasons before? They're streaky, and I still think that a good defensive squad can shut them down--Buffalo might just be that type of team. They're a fast, gritty, young bunch with four good lines, solid D, and no real superstars. It may come down to goaltending, and Ryan Miller is going to be the difference, as Emery is finally going to break down and show he's no Hasek. Sabres in 7.

CLARENCE CAMPBELL (WESTERN) CONFERENCE
#5 San Jose vs. #8 Edmonton
Head to head: 3-1, EDM
Players to Watch: Michael Peca, EDM
Yes, the Shark Oil Series, probably the matchup that San Jose was hoping for, but don't count out the Oilers. SJ has a high scoring squad, but the Edmonton D played well in front of Roloson, making him look like a stud. Man, I could go either way with this one, but I'm going to Get Electric and choose them as the sole Canadian team in the finals. Oilers in 6.

#6 Anaheim vs. #7 Colorado
Head to head: 3-1, COL
Player to Watch: Scott Niedermeyer, ANA
I haven't been a big Duck believer, but I think this matchup favors them. Teemu "The Finnish Flash" Selanne is giving them O, and Nieds is anchoring the D, and they have the next Giguere in Ilya Bryzgalov in G. What's not to like? The opportunistic Avs capitalized on a clearly confused Turco in the first round, getting late/OT goals, but the Duck D will be stingier. This time it's the Avs' Theodore who is going to break down. Ducks in 6.


PEACOCK SUCKERS
As for the broadcast schedule, NBC is showing the Devils @ Carolina game in HD at 2 PM on Saturday. Ugh. What's wrong with Friday night? Or Saturday night??? The Kentucky Derby is also on NBC, slated to start at 5 PM. So what happens if the hockey goes into quintuple OT? Do they tell the horses to wait? Yeah, right. I'm predicting they'll say "for the remainder of the game, switch to TNT!" or some crap. Or maybe they'll call the hockey game "due to darkness", and resume play the next morning. I wonder if NBC even has a contingency plan in case the hockey runs late; I'll probably end up watching the second OT from a webcam. One of these days one of these afternoon games is going to interfere with golf (either me playing it or watching it), and then I will be pissed.

We'll close with a couple of photos, the first of Sabres Chris Drury, that Kris said "looks like it was taken at 7am Sunday morning, after a particularly animated evening of drinking on his part". Knowing hockey players, that's probably close to the truth.


This last one is Mark Messier and Gary Coleman in the locker room after an Edmonton game. There are at least 20 things wrong/disturbing here, see if you can find them all!

HAPPY MAY!

It's the time of year when the smell of driveway sealant, pollen, and vanillaroma is in the air everywhere you go. Except for the fact that I hate my job, and my apartment, and my car has 139,000 miles on it and will probably explode at any minute, it's been a magical spring. I didn't really blog the last few days because I was feeling kind of under the weather. As soon as I got to my sister's house Saturday, after my niece already kissed me on the lips several times, my sister informed me that she wasn't feeling well and threw up the previous day. Translation: she's carrying some sort of virus and just gave it to you! Gee, great, what is that, bubonic? Predictibly, I felt nauseous Tuesday night and all day yesterday (which I blamed on my mom's leftover ziti, but I think we know better), but was able to fight it with a two hour nap and an army of antacids shoveled down my throat. Anyway, here's a bunch of crap I decided to write about:

WIN OR LOSE, HIT THE BOOZE
Sandis Ozolinsh was pulled over in White Plains on Wednesday morning and charged with DWI after weaving through traffic and doing 66 in a 40 MPH zone and blowing a 0.17 blood alcohol level (the limit is 0.08). Kris said today: "How is that two middle class guys from Rockland know that when you go on a bender in White Plains, you take a cab, but the guy who makes $2.75 mil per year doesn't. I guess if I was Sandis, I would be looking to fall off the wagon after the series that he just played, and what better place to do it then in Westchester."

I couldn't agree more, I just wonder if Boo-ozolinsh went to James Joyce. When I first read the story, I thought that read that he was pulled over at 1 am, but it was 11 am. Wow, that's impressive. I have trouble processing that, but then again can't fathom being booed by 20,000 of my own supposed "fans" (as Karl said, the "Ozolinsh Mob"). In the Rangers defenseman's defense, I doubt there are any DWI laws in Russia; otherwise, no one would get anywhere. And if he had been driving in East Rutherford or Moonachie, NJ, they would have patted him on the back and let him go with a warning.

Speaking of, when Prucha scored against the Devils, I was booing, NOT saying "Proooo-kah". Just wanted make myself perfectly clear, unlike the moronic Red Sox fans at Fenway on Monday, who were clapping and booing Johnny Damon simultaneously. Yes, you could see that's what half of the crowd was doing. Well, which is it??? You love to hate him, or hate to love him? I wish everyone would just shut up and root for their laundry, then no one would drive drunk. This has been a public service announcement.

YOU BETTOR, YOU BET
The first leg of the Triple Crown, the Kentucky Derby, is this Saturday, and your guess is as good as mine as to which of the 100 horses will win (okay, maybe it's 20); I just hope the stores aren't out of mint for my juleps. Rob pointed out that the highest payout for a Kentucky Derby winner since 1970 was Giacomo, who won at 50:1 odds in 2005. On the other hand, "Going off at odds of 1:2, the great Seattle Slew returned the least for your $2." That horse was NOT human, as Mr. Francesser would say.

In John Daly's new book, he claims to have lost 50-60 million dollars betting during a 12 year period. Egads. I'll never make that much money in my entire life, and he had that much cash sitting around to lose on betting. That's beyond ridiculous.

Question: How many Exacta bets would you have to make to cover all 20 horse combinations?
Someone with any math knowledge please leave a comment with the answer. I bet Daly would know.

HIS NAME WAS EARL
Sad news: Tiger Woods' dad Earl died yesterday. Right now I wouldn't want to play Tiger at Scrabble, let alone anything golf related. It's weird that I respect and admire Tiger more than Phillis Lefty Figjam Mickelson, but there it is. Best wishes to Tiger and his family (his real family, not Nike). When is the next good golf tournament anyway? For all of the complaints/threats of a non-stop PGA season, there's been a hell of a lull since the Masters.

LOST SUSPENSE
Virtually nothing has happened on ABC's show "Lost" for about three months to move the plot forward. However, since May is Sweeps Month, on last night's episode there was a flurry of activity, wherein two people were shot before the shooter turned the gun on himself! Yeah, it's ratings season, it's just a coincedence. Anyway, that's how the episode abruptly ended, with three people pumped full of lead--that would have been a pretty good cliffhanger, right? Sure, if they hadn't ruined it SECONDS LATER in the preview teaser for next week's episode, during which they inform you that the shooter is alive, and just made it look like someone else killed the other two people! Way to blow the suspense, assholes! Oh, and after the season's over, if you were NOT planning on having a life and spending ANY time outside this summer, you can sit by your computer and play an online scavenger hunt game based on the "Lost universe" (crap, that sounds like pathetic Trekkie territory), up until Season 3 starts in September. Wee!

THE AVOCADO ALBUM?
Pearl Jam just released their new album on May 2, creatively titled, uhm, Pearl Jam (I sure hope the songwriting is more inventive). This may or may not be their second eponymously titled release, since early copies of what is now called "vs." were merely called "Pearl Jam" (and in some cases, "Five Against One", which is apparently according to Wikipedia, a collector's item). The current leader for the most eponymously titled albums is Peter Gabriel, who has three. Personally, while I like some of the songs on "Peter Gabriel", I much prefer it to "Peter Gabriel". If you don't have any of them, I would recommend starting with "Peter Gabriel", which is much more accessible than "Peter Gabriel".

PLAYING THE BLAINE GAME
I hate magicians who aren't named Penn or Teller, especially attention whore/illusionist David Blaine. He's been getting an assload of press this week just for sitting in a water filled bubble with an oxygen tank somewhere in midtown Manhattan. Apparently, we're also supposed to be excited to watch him stay underwater without breathing on live TV on a show called "David Blaine: Drowned Alive". Hmmm, so you're saying if he doesn't drown this weekend, that means he's a liar, not to mention a complete failure. I can't fathom why anyone would care about this. Will I tune in? Don't hold your breath! ZING!

WINGS COOKED BY OILERS

Wow! Well, I certainly didn't predict that.

The Edmonton Oilers have just won, beating the Detroit Red Wings 4-3! A power play goal by "Molson" Ales Hemsky with 3:53 left tied it up (that was meticulously reviewed with video replay to make sure it wasn't kicked in, and it wasn't), and a beautiful give-and-go shot at the doorstep by Hemsky with 1:04 left won it! The Oilers win the series 4-2 against the best team in the NHL, and there will be some Molson Ales consumed in northern Alberta tonight!

GOOD SHOW, HEMSKY!

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: STICK A PITCHFORK IN 'EM!

The Devils swept the Rangers right out of the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs, winning 4-1 on Saturday to stick a pitchfork in 'em, marking the first time they've beaten them in the postseason. Since I was spending the beautiful afternoon outside with my sister's family (another reason these 3 PM Saturday games suck), I only caught the Devils 1st and 2nd goals (the latter giving them the lead), and apparently that's all I needed to see. Jagr injured his shoulder getting checked into the boards a minute into this one, essentially sealing his fate, and that of his team, as the probable Hart winner only ended up with 1 point (an assist) in the 4 games. And when I say it was a "sweep", that doesn't even begin to describe the completely dominant performance by the Devils. They've now won 15 in a row, and with Elias on fire (11 points) and Marty playing great in goal, this team has officially reached "fucking scary" status.

All told, the Rangers' first "appearance" in the playoffs since '97 was pretty horrible, and their lack of experience showed. I would even go as far to say that they stopped believing they could win this after they gave up the 2nd goal in the first period in Game 3. Maybe this young team overachieved for most of the season and just ran out of gas, and the injuries finally built up and took their toll. But with young players like Henrik, Prucha, quality defensement like Roszival, and grinders like Betts and Ortmeyer, I like their chances over the next few years. And I've always said, it's always more interesting when all the local hockey teams are good (now if someone could only get the Icelanders in line).

Not to jinx myself, but some of my playoff blognostications have proven to be eerily accurate--yeah, I'm as surprised as you are. I'm especially proud of my "upset special" 7th seeded Avalanche, who took care of #2 Dallas even more decisively than I could have hoped. Regardless of my picks, I'm rooting for Edmonton to upset the mighty Detroit Cajun Hot Wings tonight. There's just one thing I don't understand: the Oilers current slogan is "Get Electric". But wouldn't switching from oil to electric put the Oilers out of business? It seems like the marketing campaign is counterintuative. Stay tuned to OLN, which will soon be known as the Vs. Network, named after the last good Pearl Jam album.

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More evidence that this country is doomed: a kids clothing company called "Pimpfants". This company's mission statement is as follows: "Pimpfants . . . it's more than a name, it's a movement! Our clothing bridges the generation gap between parents and kids, allowing babies and tots everywhere the opportunity to hit the playground with fresh gear and street cred. Pimpfants uses only the highest quality products, so your shorties can represent in style and comfort. If you want puppy dogs, ducks and frogs, you'll have to visit a zoo. But if you are looking for children's clothing that defines a generation, look to Pimpfants!" The crap that they're selling is so fucking moronic that I'm not even linking to them (you figure it out), for fear they might make money and wouldn't go out of business immediately, which I cannot allow to happen. Every time someone says, "Hey, things aren't so bad in American society", I find 50 websites like this to prove them wrong.

For the "who cares?" news item of the week, President Bill Clinton's portrait for the Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery has been unveiled. Surprisingly, he's wearing pants, but not suprisingly he's not wearing his wedding ring. So even his portrait is trying to pick up chicks. Outstanding!