HALL OF THE PRETTY GOOD

This post is a long time coming, but this is something we noticed while at the Baseball Hall of Fame a few weeks ago: the more words engraved on your HOF plaque, the less of a player you were. For instance, take a look at Babe Ruth's HOF plaque vs. Ozzie Smith's:


GEORGE HERMAN (BABE) RUTH
BOSTON - NEW YORK A.L.; BOSTON, N.L.
1915-1935
GREATEST DRAWING CARD IN HISTORY OF
BASEBALL. HOLDER OF MANY HOME RUN
AND OTHER BATTING RECORDS. GATHERED
714 HOME RUNS IN ADDITION TO FIFTEEN
IN WORLD SERIES.

OSBORNE EARL SMITH
"Ozzie" "The Wizard"
SAN DIEGO, N.L., 1978-1981
ST. LOUIS, N.L., 1982-1996
REVOLUTIONIZED DEFENSIVE PLAY AT SHORTSTOP WITH HIS ACROBATIC
FIELDING AND ARTISTIC TURNING OF DOUBLE PLAYS. THE 13-TIME GOLD
GLOVE WINNER SET SIX MAJOR LEAGUE FIELDING RECORDS AMONG
SHORTSTOPS, INCLUDING MOST ASSISTS, DOUBLE PLAYS AND CHANCES
ACCEPTED. AN EFFECTIVE OFFENSIVE PLAYER, HE ACCUMULATED 2,460
HITS AND STOLE 580 BASES. NAMED TO 15 ALL-STAR TEAMS. HIS
RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION HELPED LEAD THE CARDINALS TO
THREE WORLD SERIES, INCLUDING A 1982 CHAMPIONSHIP. HIS
CONGENIAL PERSONALITY, CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONALISM AND
TRADEMARK BACK FLIP MADE "THE WIZARD" A FAN FAVORITE.

One of them was arguably the greatest baseball player ever, for which few words are needed. The other had a "trademark backflip", the most "chances accepted" (?) for a shortstop, and was "an effective offensive player", among a litany of other marginal accomplishments. Which means "he didn't suck", I guess. Look, they're both worthy of being in the Hall, but it's as if more words were needed to convince you that Ozzie belongs there. As Bookless said, "How about that thing he did for UNICEF? That's gotta count for something, right?"

RAIN HAIKU

What part of Noah did you not understand?

by Jeff K



This rain better stop
Or I'm pairing you all up
And building an ark

G TO THE E!

Because wine, lager and trendy alcoholic beverages are cutting into parent company Diageo's sales of Guinness, the Guinness Brewery has produced a "mellower" Guinness called Brew 39, to be available in Dublin pubs for 6 months as part of their "Brewhouse Series". What will it taste like?

"Guinness has a burnt, chocolaty, slightly harsh quality," said Sheehy, at the St. James Gate headquarters of Guinness, near the River Liffey in Dublin. "We have given Brew 39 a smoother, clean taste . . . The new stout uses less roast unmalted barley, which gives Guinness its bitter taste and dry palette. Also, hops are added at the end of the process which also reduces bitterness on the tongue"

That was going to be my guess, that they'd alter the roasting process. I don't know, but it seems like every time they mess with Guinness, it usually fails. The public hasn't warmed up to their recent Guinness Extra Cold, and the last time I checked, they stopped making Guinness Gold, Guinness Light, and Guinness XXX Extra Strong Stout.

My question is: if they insist on making new versions of Guinness, why don't they just call it something else? Call it something trendy like "Black Bull", "Velvet Revolver" or "G to the E", and say it's brought to you by the Guinness Brewery. Why taint the Guinness name? This quote was spot on:

"The answer isn't to mess about with the product, but rather invest in marketing the traditional heritage of the product," said Gerard Rijk, a beverage analyst at ING Financial Markets in Amsterdam, who has a 'buy' rating on Diageo. "Versions with cherries aren't the answer."

Meh. As long as they still make "Guinness Classic", I'll be okay.

BOMBING THE SMURFS

Okay, this is a little weird. In a recent ad campaign in Belgium, UNICEF has decided to bomb the shit out of the Smurfs, "to highlight the plight of ex-child soldiers in Africa" and hope to increase donations.


Out of an idyllic blue sky dotted with birds and butterflies come warplanes that carpet-bomb the Smurfs' forest village, killing Smurfette, leaving Baby Smurf wailing in distress and sending Papa Smurf and the others bolting for cover.

IT'S BAAAAAAAAACK.

The NHL is back, in case anyone was wondering. There are some new rules, but Barry Melrose still has the same old mullet. I was hoping Martha Burk's opposition to the new ads would force them to show the games without commercials, like the Masters a few years back, but no such luck. They do have a new logo, though, which I wouldn't have noticed unless the website was so proud of it.

Old vs. New:


So that's what they were doing for the past year and a half! Oh yes, that's much better! Silver and black instead of orange, and the letters are angled upward, the direction the league wants to go! It's basically a spit-shined version of the the old logo, like they removed the rust and went to town with the silver polish. But all I can think of is "Raiders". Anyway, a better logo should translate into a better on-ice game, right? They probably paid an advertising agency a bazillion dollars for this. Bottom line: your old hockey jersey is now obsolete, because it doesn't have the NHL logo on it.

Remember to tune into OLN (Obscure Little Network) tonight, if you can. OLN: The Channel You Didn't Know You Had. Oh wait, I don't have it, so I'll be watching the New Jersey Devils vs. the Pittsburgh Crosbys on FOX Sports Net, before that gets blacked out too.

(A Lemieux vs. Brodeur shootout wouldn't be a bad way to start things off . . . )

RANDUMB

Just once I would like to see someone hit David Ortiz with a pitch. Well, as it turns out that's exactly the amount of times it's happened this season. Big Papi, who digs in and crowds the plate during every at bat for the Red Sox, has only been hit by a pitch once. Derek Jeter has been hit 3 times by the Red Sox pitchers alone (8 total). Oh, and by the way, I said it on August 8th and I still believe that Joe Torre should be Manager of the Year, for guiding this deeply flawed and oft-injured 2005 Yankees team to win the AL East.

Why is everything I want always on the bottom shelf? Okay, maybe because I'm freakishly tall, it just seems like that. But more often than not, stores put the "XL" underwear on the bottom, and the "S" on the top. Think, people, think!

I love driving directions that tell you to "turn before" you get to a particular landmark. For example: "Make a right before you get to the old barn." Well, if I've never been there, how would I know where the old barn is BEFORE I get to it? Unless it's a huge landmark (like the Empire State Building), or the only thing you can see on the horizon, this almost guarantees that you're going to make the person have to turn around.

In the completely irrelevant news of the week, Ashton Kutcher married Demi Moore. I couldn't think of two people who deserve to be together more than these two. Now I can avoid all of their work as a couple, to save time. The question is: which one of them just got Punk'd? I think Jay Leno should buy that joke from me, it's that good.

Here's a great headline: Blake Says He Didn't Have Anyone Kill Wife. Because he did it himself! ZING! (Hey Jay, you could use that last one for your crappy "headlines" bit!) Ironically, this quote from the rambling Robert Blake comes on the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson "not guilty" verdict. It's said that everyone remembers where they were when it was announced on TV; as for me, I distinctly recall that I was nowhere near a TV. Yeah, I made it a point to avoid the media coverage of this case, because I didn't want it to effect my opinion of "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad".

President W has announced that he's nominated his White House lawyer, Harriet Myers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, even though she has no judicial experience. She was quoted as saying, "Oh no, I'm not a judge. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Buy those last three jokes, Mr. Leno, and you get a discount (I prefer PayPal).

LAZY FRIDAY

This past Friday was the inaugural 1st Annual Lazy Friday: a round of golf during the day, and several rounds of quality beer afterwards at Lazy Boy Saloon in White Plains, NY. We hope to do it again next year sometime in the early fall, and maybe sign on some more people to join us. Anyway, the LZB Saloon advertises that they have over 350 beers (a typo on their site says "35" . . . interesting), but I think they're hoping someone won't call them out on that. However that's exactly what we did, much to the bartender's chagrin. Rob ordered about 5 beers in a row which were on the menu, but they didn't have in stock in their basement refrigerator. It got to the point where the bartender was tired of going downstairs and looking, and she took the menu away from us. We weren't the typical "Friday happy hour" customers, since most people were ordering Miller Lites and Heinkens. But we did get to sample a few tasty brews. Here's some of what we tried (with its Ratebeer.com rating in parentheses):


Hacker Pschorr Octoberfest Lager (2.87/5)
Blue Moon Belgian White Ale (3.07/5)
Paulaner Octoberfest (3.46/5)
Brooklyn Brewmaster's Reserve - Saison de Brooklyn
Fuller's London Porter (4.10/5)
Fuller's 1845 (3.88/5)
Delirium Tremens Ale (3.58/5)

The Fuller's London Porter was the best one that I had, a great smoky, chocolatey porter that was truly satisfying. The Delirium Tremens, a Belgian ale, was also excellent. Among the beers on their menu that they didn't have: Stone Smoked Porter, Rogue Shakespeare Stout, Ayinger Octoberfest, and Hand Pulled Fuller's. We finished up the night with a few light beers next door at James Joyce: Guinness, to be more precise. All in all, it was a good night. We're going to try the rest of the beers they have next time we visit (ha ha). Someday we should trek over to Brooklyn for Happy Hour . . .

We asked about the Westvleteren beers on the menu, but they didn't even bother to look for those, and for good reason. The Beer Advocate and Rate Beer websites agree that the Westvleteren Abt 12 is the best beer on the planet. Now I know why it's so treasured: it's impossible to get your hands on it. Here's the info on the beers made at the brewery of the abbey of Saint Sixtus of Westvleteren.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Westvleteren Trappist* is exclusively sold in the abbey from 10 am to 12 am and from 2 pm to 5 pm.

WARNING: There is no trade on Fridays, Sundays, official holidays, from January 1st to 14th and the week after the third Sunday of September. Due to the limited production we cannot always sell all kinds of Trappist beer. Just get informed by our beer phone.

We sell per crate of 24 bottles. The prices (without empty bottle charge) are:

Trappist Westvleteren Blonde (5,8 vol.% alc.) 19.00 euro
Trappist Westvleteren 8 (8 vol.% alc.) 23.80 euro
Trappist Westvleteren 12 (10,2 vol.% alc.) 27.00 euro

Empty bottles and crate: charge 6.5 EUR (crate 4.10 EUR, 0.10 EUR per bottle). Empties are only taken back when undamaged. The wooden crates should be kept in a dry place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Westvleteren Trappist is only sold to individual customers. Every customer promises not to sell the beer to others. One can drink the beer in the meeting centre 'De Vrede', in front of the abbey. In this room visitors are informed about the brewery and the brewing process .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All accept the lager beer, Trappist beer can be conserved for years. If given time, the beer continues ripening. Bottles should be kept in vertical position in a dark place, in a temperature between 12C and 16C.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"As every man we must be able to live. So we have to try to earn our living and let others share in what we have to abstain from. Indeed, we have to live 'from' and 'with' our brewery. But we do not live 'for' our brewery. This must be strange for business people and difficult to understand that we do not exploit our commercial assets as much as we can. We are no brewers. We are monks. We brew beer to be able to afford being monks."

Father abbot
(on the occasion of the consecration of the new brewery)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*The name 'Trappist beer' is protected by law and can only be applied to beer brewed by trappist monks in their monastery. Among all Belgian beers only six are allowed to use the name of Trappist Beer: Achel, Chimay, Orval, Rochefort, Westmalle and Westvleteren. Only these six beers are brewed in a Trappist Abbey.

PENNANT RACISM

Yankee baseball player Derek Jeter has been sent a threatening letter, that allegedly accused him of being a "traitor to his race" for dating white women, and warned him "to stop or he'll be shot or set on fire". Jeter's mother is white and his father is black, making him "bi-racial" (or whatever the official PC term is). So which race is he a traitor to exactly? Whom is he allowed to date? I'm not following. Not only is this a threatening letter, it's also moronic. You know, it's idiots like this that make ALL racists look bad. If you're going to be a racist, at least take a few minutes to check your facts.

ANOTHER ONE BITES LA POUSSIÈRE

(I think that means "dust".)

Congratulations to Kris and Julie Salo, who got married in France on Saturday, September 24, 2005. Someone once said (maybe Jimmy Kimmel on "The Man Show", but I'm not sure of that) that it's not so much a wedding but a penis funeral . . . but I'm not going to say that here. Well, Kris has already determined that this site is Rated R, so maybe I WILL say it . . . nah, I won't. Where's the "erase" button? All I see is "pig up", "ca-tarl"? All this hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab (hits 'Tab' key). Okay, enough comedy jokes!

Best wishes to the two of them.

WAITS SUES OVER OPEL RADIO ADS

FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) - Singer-songwriter Tom Waits said Thursday he has filed a lawsuit against a unit of automaker General Motors Corp. and a German advertising agency for allegedly using a soundalike in a series of European ads.

The 55-year-old singer, whose distinct, gravelly voice has won him two Grammy awards, filed the civil suit this week with a state court in Frankfurt, listing Adam Opel AG and the advertising firm McCann Erickson as the defendants. Andreas Schumacher, Waits' German lawyer, said the singer was approached numerous times about doing the ads last year, but declined, citing a policy of not doing commercials. He said the firm then hired a soundalike and the ads aired earlier this year in Sweden, Finland, Denmark and Norway.

"We have sent copies of the lawsuit to McCann Erickson and Opel," Schumacher said. Waits is seeking damages and any profits derived from the ads for violating his personality rights, Schumacher said.

"Apparently the highest compliment our culture grants artists nowadays is to be in an ad - ideally naked and purring on the hood of a new car. I have adamantly and repeatedly refused this dubious honor," Waits said in a statement. "While the court can't make me active in radio, I am asking it to make me radioactive to advertisers."

Ralf Specht, the manager of McCann Erickson in Frankfurt, said the agency spoke with Waits in May and had changed the music in the ad campaign. He said the company had not gotten a copy of the lawsuit yet. An Opel spokesman said he couldn't comment because the company had not received a copy of the lawsuit, either.

Waits' albums include the Grammy-winning "Bone Machine" and "Mule Variations." As an actor, he has appeared in "The Outsiders," "The Fisher King" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

ONLY 105 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT!

I frequently find myself in a rant-rut at this time of the year. My complaints and jokes end up being pretty repetitive, not to mention redundant, with the most popular ones being tried and true classics like: "Where did the summer go?", "Why does everything have to be about marketing?", "Why does anyone care what [insert name of actor/celebrity/athlete here] has to say about anything?" and "Why is this jackass in the left lane?" But I'm going to bust this one out earlier than ever before, because I'm being forced to. While I was driving home on Wednesday, and I heard a radio commercial for the "Radio City Christmas Spectacular". You have GOT to be shitting me. It's September 7th! Do you think they're giving us ample time to formulate our holiday entertainment schedules? I just hope all the tickets haven't been sold yet!


THE 500 CLUB

As all the fun is being systematically sucked out of every major league sport, there's something so completely ordinary about all the teams I've been rooting for lately. Between the unproven Eli Manning leading the Giants, the lackluster Mets' leaning too heavily on Pedro to bring them to the promised land, and the Devils losing their two most notable defensemen, there's a really good chance that all of them are going to finish their respective seasons with a 50% winning percentage. Yes, the dreaded "500 Club", which leaves the fan with nothing really positive or negative to say. They're not good, they're not bad, they're at .500. It's the "meh" of team accomplishments. But I'm okay with it, because it insures that I won't lose sleep over it, or waste time on it. Going into the season, if I expect the team to lose as much as they win, it allows me to not really care too much about it. So as we kick off another NFL season, all I can say is "LET'S GO . . . meh."


THE ORIGINAL . . . THREE?

Since "hockey" is in the name of this blog, I just thought I'd mention that according to the NHL 2005-2006 schedule, the Detroit Red Wings do not play Boston, Toronto, or Montreal at all this year. That's right, they only play half of the Original Six teams, because of the new emphasis on division games; to fill the void, they play their bitter rivals, the Columbus Bluejackets, EIGHT TIMES. In fact, they don't even have to travel to the Northeast once all season, the closest they get is in Washington. Which brings me back to my original point, that the NHL is really doing all it can to WIN THE FANS BACK! Welcome to the new NHL! Good work, Bettman, you fucking moron.


CHARITY DISPARITY

I just wanted to give "big ups" to the United Way of New Orleans, for their massive 14.2% overhead that they deduct from all Hurricane Katrina (and other) donations, which has garnered them a two star/42.07 rating (4 star/0-70 scales, respectively). And also I would be remiss if I didn't say thanks to PayPal, for making a $0.30/2.9% profit on every donation processed through their website. It's great to see that despite a complete catastrophe, the American enterpreneurial capitalism machine is still alive and well!

Mea culpa runneth over.

Mea culpa runneth over.

I’ve heard enough apathetic apologies, and I’m tired of them. With pneumatic regularity, some politician /actor /high profile person makes a statement that he or she believes to have merit, only to find that someone’s feelings have been hurt, and thus an apology must be issued, usually through the “publicist” When is someone going to grow some balls and say, “I said what I meant, screw anyone whose delicate sensitivities were harmed” The latest came from David Well, who “apologized” for his tirade against baseball’s commissioner and his incompetent office. Never mind that his apology was tepid at best, the fact is that Bud Selig is a joke of a commissioner and deserved a public verbal flogging. Wells of course said he was “sorry” and he “made a mistake”. Bullshit. A mistake is trying to carry the water hazard when you should have laid up. Wells has been flapping his fat gums about every topic for his entire adult life. It’s what he does. To apologize for saying what you really think is the definition of cowardice.

Government Failure in New Orleans

The disaster in New Orleans is simply not comprehendible for those of us who have not seen it first hand. I’ve felt guilty this whole week for being able to live my life without disruption while these poor people don’t know if they are going to live to see tomorrow. Needless to say, the usual media suspects have already taken to placing blame upon the Bush administration. It’s hypocrisy at its peak. If Bush had done what needed to be done, that is send in the National Guard and declare Martial law before the storm hit, they would have been wailing and gnashing teeth over his “violations of civil rights”. Unfortunately, Bush hesitated and there was a delay in getting supplies and rescue teams into the city. I honestly doubt many could have been saved, but perhaps some could have been. I suspect far more lives would have been spared had the mayor of New Orleans provided some public transportation out of town. Apparently, it never occurred to him that many of his fellow citizens had not the means. We’ll never really know, but I do know this: we don’t live in a sitcom and every situation is not resolved in a half hour, but that is what our culture has come to expect.

I agree with the media on one count, there was a failure of government in New Orleans, but a failure of far greater proportion than they imagine, and it has little to do with George Bush. What we are seeing in the aftermath of Katrina is the colossal failure of the Great Society. This is what forty years and trillions of dollars spent on government programs of every sort has given us, a massive sub-culture of the impoverished, utterly dependent on the federal government for everything, including their very existence. I always thought it would take an Act of God to make people realize that public assistance programs do little good while they rob people of hope. I didn’t realize how horribly right I was.

Entirely too much info

Thank you Rob for pointing out that my profile was overly explict in terms of displaying my gender. I have corrected this.

Have any of you looked at the information that they want in this section? Yep, like I'm going to give my email address to everyone who happens to click on this blog.

I know, this post is weak...I need a fucking vacation; so much so that I can't even think of witty remarks to place here. Ugh!

Complete nonsense

Hey, am I missing something, or does Kris Salo's "complete profile" seem to consist solely of the rather mundane fact that he is a male?

It's getting to be a bit much, listining to a Yankees radio broadcast. Everything is accompanied by a promo now. The "Seagrams 7 bottom of the fifth", The "Tyson Farms Fowl Ball", the "Victorias Secrets E-Z Removal Bra first out" The "NFL Replithentic Jersey Throwback to the pitcher". When is it going to end?

I was on line at the food store today. More accurately, I was on several lines. First, the 10 items or less line, until I realized it was "cash only". Over to the 15 items or less line, which didn't move for for the entire duration of the instrumental version of Madonna's "Borderline". Over to the 20 item line, currently being clogged by a pair of lard-asses buying nothing but soda. I was going to give them a good toungue lashing, but then realized they may just be stocking up for a BBQ this Labor Day weekend. Next line over is nearly empty, so I skip over to it, and needless to say the cashier is moving at the speed of a glacier. I'm ready to explode at this point, and then I think, well if I was doing his job, for minimum wage, I wouldn't be working very hard either. Then I think, I have my job which pays considerably more, and I don't work very hard. So how can I be angry with him? The point of all this is, bring cash to the store.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I have a blog of my own now. After thinking about it, I didn't want to give my family the link to this baby, it's a bit on the edge for them. So, without further ado I present you my blog: "Arbitrary and Biased" (I was looking for a good name for a while, and decided to do antonyms of Fox News).

This, as I mentioned in my post on the site, is goign to be more of a "family-friendly" format. Less porn and more socially acceptable things like Bush bashing. I'll be giving the link to my family so I will keep the words suck as fuck, shit and cunt under wraps. Feel free to comment on any of my stuff, I always look forward to Rob totally destroying one of my opinions or Karl going off on a tangent that is the size of Texas.

Anyway, hope you all check it out.

stuff in my head

A couple nights ago, the Yanks handily beat the Toronto Blue Jays 7 - 0. After breaking open a 2 - 0 game in the 7th inning with 4 runs, Ken Singleton (who I really like as an announcer) noted that this is how the Yanks used to win games in the late 90's, good pitching, wearing out the opposing staff with patient at bats, then delivering the KO against the bullpen. It was an astute observation by a genuinely knowledgeable announcer. The next day, the Yanks pulled off an unlikely comeback win against the same Blue Jays, getting a late home run from Hideki Matsui to tie the game and winning on a bases loaded single by relatively unknown Felix Escalona, who only entered the game to pinch run in the eighth. The following morning, Mike (Greenburg) and Mike (Golic) of ESPN radio noted that "this is how the Yanks used to win games in the late 90's, all those dramatic comebacks". OK, obviously someone is wrong here, and to the surprise of no one, it is the two amatuers on ESPN. Clearly neither of these two watched the Yankees in the late 90's or they would know that the recipie for success was exactly as Singleton had described it. Get a lead, get into the opponents bullpen, knock them around, bring in Mo, game over. There was rarely a need for late inning heroics. I suppose M&M were thinking about the Aaron Boone game, which was niether the late 90's, nor a championship year. This is the problem with sports talk radio. These guys have to fill all this air time with something, and the fact is, there isn't that much to talk about. So, what the hell, they figure, lets just make stuff up. So now there are people who think that's really how it happend in the 90's, because M&M just said so, and it saves them the trouble of doing any thinking of thier own. I really have to get my car's CD player fixed.

On to the next topic, my underwear. I noticed today while I was taking one of my many, many bathroom breaks at work, that my Jockey boxer briefs are labeled M/M/M, which indicates, in 3 languages (English, French, Spanish) that they are medium. I submit that there could simply be one M, and the reader of the tag could interpret it as he sees fit. This tri-lingual underwear labeling is just another instance of the enormous consumer benefits of NAFTA, yet some people still point to minor nuisances, like massive economic strife, tidal waves of illegal immigration and lawlessness in US-Mexico border towns, in their derision of the illegal and perverse legislation. Some people just don’t get it.

The French now think they have proof that Lance Armstrong used EPO, a performance enhancing drug, during his first tour victory. Never mind that every protocol in drug testing was ignored. After all this time, you would think the one thing the French could do is be gracious losers.

From the NY Daily News: Goldman Sachs Group Inc. agreed on Tuesday to build a $2 billion world headquarters near the World Trade Center site.

The deal came after months of negotiations with state and city officials who dropped plans to build a tunnel near the site after the firm objected and lured it with $1.6 billion in post-Sept. 11 Liberty Bonds.

Bless those Goldman Sachs boys. If anyone needs a 1.6 billion dollar handout, it’s those hardworking, minimum wage making bond traders.

Also from the Daily News: The Manhattan Container Store now offers a "Go Shop! Scan and Deliver" service, which allows for cart-free shopping and home delivery. For $15, shoppers searching for organization tools can use a scanning device to choose merchandise. Following the spree, customers take their scanners - which look like over-sized Palm Pilots - to the checkout counter, pay and give their address for the goods to be delivered home.

See that? With a little imaginative thinking, we can all find ways to have top flight jobs, like “crap store delivery person”, in the post NAFTA economy. By the way, what do you think the delivery success rate in NY will be?

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OLN = NHL

Well, OLN is now the official station of the NHL. I guess they're really committed to this, and even though apparently don't have the HD channel in place yet, they should have it up soon.

This is the official party line from the OLN site:

The partnership between OLN, Comcast and the NHL will redefine the sport for hockey viewers. More action on video on demand (VOD), in HDTV and online will create an experience like never before, including:
• VOD game highlights and library footage of hockey’s greatest moments with full fast-forward, rewind and replay capability;
• HDTV game coverage in a crisper, faster-moving, more exciting game for hockey fans every week;
• Online streaming of two live games per night (subject to local blackout), broadband highlights, commentary, and library footage;
• Round-the-clock coverage on the NHL Network, to be launched in the US in the future; and
• Comcast will have the ability to carry and/or syndicate additional games on Comcast’s regional sports networks where it has the consent of the local team and team’s rights holder.

Very interesting, mostly the NHL Network and broadband extras (it should be free "online streaming", but we'll see). I hope they don't screw this up, and turn it into NASCAR or the WWE or something.

NOTES FROM BALTUSROL

After attending the second round of the 2005 PGA Championship this past Friday, I have to say the overall experience was outstanding. The Baltusrol Low Course in Springfield, NJ, was a simply gorgeous, well layed out course (not at all 'hokey'). The sight lines for spectators were great on most holes (in my case, it certainly didn't hurt being tall). Despite the 96° heat (which we quickly got used to), the worst part of the day was enduring the shuttle bus from the Meadowlands. Although we never had to wait, it was just an interminably long ride, taking about 50 minutes to travel 20 miles. It turned out that there were plenty of places to park around the course (including Rob's cousin's house)--oh well. But despite the gaping security hole we walked through upon entering, and the two will-call windows over a mile apart having disparate policies about 'holding tickets', it turned out to be a great day.

Despite their appearance on TV, in person Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, and John Daly look skinnier, smaller, and fatter, respectively. It's simply amazing (and humbling) to see these guys drive the ball up close: a nice smooth swing, a sound like a rifle shot at impact, and the ball is drilled into a mini-orbit re-entering the earth's atmosphere over 300 yards away. I clearly don't play the same game as these guys, even though we both call it "golf". Not only that, but they have to hit every shot with thousands of motionless fans staring at them in complete silence, which they're probably used to but I would find unnerving (I think I would prefer the din of 70,000 screaming fans while lining up a field goal, if I had the choice).



After witnessing the "Phil love-fest" in person, I have to say that it's kind of creepy. Yeah, I understand that he's a likeable guy who smiles a lot, and acknowledges the fans even in the midst of a competition, and people respond to that. However, they show their admiration by shouting out his name before and after every shot he takes: "Phil!" "Phil!" "Phil!" is all you hear as he walks around, like hundreds of squawking parrots only taught one word. He must hear his own name thousands of times a day--it's very odd. And although the money is nice, I would not want to be Tiger or Phil. I would much rather be somewhere in the top 20, quietly making more money than God, but less than the head Nike/Buick spokesman; I could live in anonymity and still be respected on the Tour, and not be bothered while trying to play golf. Someone like Sean O'Hair, who is #16 on the money list (with a cool $2M), but you couldn't pick him out of a lineup.

My overall impression of golf fans was that they're well-behaved, funny and knowledgeable. I suppose it's an extension of the laid-back country club atmosphere, and the fact that the athletes aren't hitting each other or drawing any blood. It seemed to me that there are two basic groups of people in the crowd at these events: 'golf' fans and 'celebrity' fans. The celebrity fans follow guys like Tiger, Daly, and Phil around the whole course, whereas the golf fans go from hole-to-hole to try to see the whole course and as many players as possible. We were in that second group, which I think was the right choice; as we stayed a few holes removed from the "Tiger wave", we got to see almost every hole and avoided the big crowds (and also avoided getting hit by a tree limb). Most of the "golf" fans were pretty sarcastic about those who were "celebrity" fans (we'll call them "Tiger hunters"), which I appreciated. Of course, there are also people who just stay in the air conditioned Wanamaker Club or the "corporate chalets" and don't actually get close to the action, but we won't discuss them.

Best player name: Richard Johnson. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, PGA tour pro "Big" Dick Johnson! You can't write these jokes, they write themselves. Though, I probably shouldn't have said that out loud just as he was hitting his approach shot.

Best player moment: seeing Jerry Kelly hole out for birdie from the right green side bunker on the 9th hole, finishing all alone in 2nd place after two rounds, and garnering the coveted "Foster's Shot of the Day".

Worst player moment: Ian Poulter, with his nifty Union Jack slacks, almost spraying us with sand on the 9th, after slamming his wedge into the ground and dropping an F-bomb after he was unable to spin the ball to his liking.

Close call: I saw a guy almost spill four cups of beer at the PGA (potentially a very expensive accident), but then we figured it was probably only Miller. As Rob pointed out, "He spilled almost beer." But then I realized that since he never bought beer in the first place, it was therefore impossible for him to spill beer. Dodged a bullet there.

To sum up, the 87th PGA Championship at Baltusrol was golftacular!

NHL Talking to Four Contenders For Cable Rights

This is pretty sad.

If Comcast gets the rights, it could air games on its "Outdoor Life Network".

WTF? Are you kidding? First of all, I don't even GET that channel. Second, it's a goddamn Canadian channel. Third, would that mean they'd have to play all the games outdoors, like that Edmonton/Calgary game a few years ago?

U2 Gives Me Vertigo

If you are going to see U2 on their current tour get to know this refrain; you're going to need it...

Hello, Hello
Hola!
I'm at a place called Vertigo (¿Dónde está?)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
But you give me something I can feel
Feel

So we saw U2 on Friday...I was waiting to try to get some camera phone photos to send, but my co-viewers aren't being good about transferring these to their computers.

Anyway, snap judgement: A lot of people need "more" in their lives. People are fucking insane about this group; they are very good, and very good in concert, but man, get a freaking life. There were so many people just awed to be there. I don't know, maybe it's the ultimate cynic in me that causes me to be jaded by such affairs.

But it was a lot of fun. We had great places (look for the red circle):

For a middle-aged band they can still rock pretty well; even if they played Vertigo to open AND CLOSE the show. Bono's a preachy bastard that tends to have a number of inconsistencies in his "statements" and obviously doesn't care if they people listen to him or not. It's a really interesting sociological test to see how bands react with crowds that don't understand a bloody word that comes out of their mouths. Bono just pressed on like he was talking at a Save Africa, or Amnesty International meeting in Dublin or London.

Plus the fact that he has us pay sums of money to give to him (and the group) for the show and then urges us at the concert to send a 34 cent text message to "Help Africa." I would be much more impressed if he acknowledged the money he got from the show and said he would be donating X amount of the proceeds to help cure malaria or AIDS or whatever the hell he wants to cure.

But hey, private citizen Bono can do whatever he wants and charge whatever he wants for his albums and his concert tickets. And he has every right to make whatever political statement he wants, as confused and inconsistent as it may be. But he can't make me do one little thing.

Kammann Came Back with the Following:

MLB: MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT!

That's right, I said it. I'm pretty much done with it. You can't root for these guys anymore because half of them have cheated, or continue to cheat, and when they get caught they don't admit it, saying it was "unintentional" or claiming ignorance. (When Jose Canseco and Pete Rose are the most honest and credible former players out there, I'd call that a serious problem.) On top of that, most of the players only play when they feel like it (or when they're due for a new contract), and are either ornery assholes or moody divas. So you try to root for your favorite team, but they constantly let you down because they never live up to the preseason hype, and make dubious moves just to fill the seats. And the only reason the MLB Extra Innings TV package is good is because every game gets boring and unwatchable after about 10 minutes, so you just switch to one of the other 12 games, and hope for the best. I can't watch it anymore. And I can't believe I'm already getting interested in the NFL (which I will be complaining about soon after it begins). Over time, my interest in these sports ebbs until eventually the flow ceases altogether; it's a viscous cycle.

Someone said to me "Hey, Manny was almost a Met!" My reply to that was, "Yeah, and I was almost a Met, too!" There was an equal chance of that happening, because the "Manny trade rumors" last week were all calcuated bullshit, expertly scripted by the Red Sox front office. Manny was unhappy, Manny wasn't playing hard, Manny wants to be traded, boo-freaking-hoo. So knowing he's a temperamental headcase, they "talked" to a few teams, without ever planning on trading him EVEN FOR A SECOND, then they go back to him and say "we love you, we need you, and we realized that we don't want to lose you, please stay, big guy!", like encouraging a 12 year old who almost runs away from home. They even scratched him from the lineup on the day of the trade deadline, after he was being booed the day before. Then once the deadline passed and he was told he wasn't being traded, they put him to pinch hit in the 8th. Predictably, he gets the game winning hit, and the Fenway fans go crazy (suckers). So everyone's happy, it's a big love fest. Pure theater, and pure bullsh!t (like Schilling's fake-blood red sock). It was all just a ploy to make him feel wanted and happy again, so he'll go on another tear and lead them into the playoffs (he's batting .563 since he was "almost" traded, with 3 HR and 11 RBI). I have to admit that the Red Sox have something that they've never had: a smart front office. GM Theo Epstein is the man--well, boy, no . . . he's the man-child of the year.

That being said, Joe Torre should be the manager of the year. I don't care what anyone says, because if you told me before the season started that: 1. he'd be trotting out Al Leiter (39), Kevin 'Mordecai Three Fingers' Brown (40), Randy Johnson (41) and Mike Mussina (36), (who have to be the oldest starters lined up for 4 consecutive starts in baseball history); 2. Chien-Ming Wang, Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon would come in to help out, and 3. Jeter would be producing less runs than the Mets' Jose Reyes, I would have predicted that they'd be at least 15 games under .500 and out of the race. But they're not, in fact they have a good chance to win the division or the wild card. Hard to believe.

On the flipside, Terry Francona (Red Sox) and Mike Scioscia (Angels) are the worst managers in the league. They have so much talent (Red Sox are #1 in hitting, Angels are #4 in ERA, in all of baseball), they just have to get out of the way and let them play. If they CAN'T win with the talent they have, they shouldn't get paid. Sorry, I don't mean to be so anti-Scioscia, but that's how I am.

(I apologize, I thought of that last joke while in the car this weekend, and I had to let it out somehow.)

JUST ANOTHER REASON TO WATCH GOLF

This just in: Rafael Palmiero, who adamantly denied using steriods in front of the U.S. Congress back in March, has been suspended for 10 days for violating MLB's steroid policy. He now says "I have never intentionally used steroids". I'm practically numb from all the steroids talk now that I'm not surprised or shocked by any of it. But just don't lie to me. I don't believe for a second that any of these guys, who rely on their bodies for their livelihood, "didn't know what they were putting in their bodies". How stupid do you think we are? I have no respect for these guys. I really have to visit the Baseball Hall Of Fame before guys like this are inducted and the whole thing becomes a farce.

[A side-note: Kenny Rogers gets a 20 day suspension for pushing a cameraman, but Raffi only gets 10 days for sticking a syringe in his ass filled with an illegal substance? That doesn't seem right.]

NHL: IT'S CAP CRAZY!

By the end of August, because of the new CBA and salary cap structure, the rosters of the 30 NHL teams you know (and love?) are going to look quite different. For the most part, that's a good thing, because it will balance things out and hopefully make the league more competitive. Last week there were a few big name contract buy-outs (Amonte, LeClair, Holik), but the real free agency craziness starts today. Just released, here's the full list of NHL free agents, players who may or may not be changing uniforms before the season begins. The phone lines are open! Let's make a deal!

The good news for the players is that Bob Goodenow resigned as head of the NHL Players Association. Although everyone says the original deal in February was better (which is debateable, but it seems to be the consensus), he still talked them into throwing away the entire season instead of trying to negotiate and salvage it. Do you think he said to himself, "Well, my work here is done!" as he wrote his letter of resignation? Maybe he's decided to accept a job at Enron, or become the head of the WNBA--who knows? I just don't see Chris Chelios and Jeremy Roenick sending this guy a Christmas card this year.

ESPN Page 2's Bill Simmons wrote an article about the return of hockey, and actually agreed with me on one count, saying that during the lockout he was hoping that some teams would fold and some move back to Canada, leaving only 24 teams (which unfortunately didn't happen). He also mocked Gary Bettman, saying that he's so inept he couldn't even fix the draft lottery to make sure #1 pick Sidney Crosby ended up on a big market team (a point Rob made, when the flailing Rangers' odds inexplicably were made worse). Bettman was brought in here as a marketing guy, and all that's happened on his watch is: overexpansion of the league, bloated player salaries that the revenue couldn't support, and no TV deal. Let's read that last one again: a marketing guy couldn't get his league a television deal. Way to go, genius! I understand why the owners' like him, but I can't believe they're sticking with this guy. I still think Gretzky should take over in some sort of bloodless coup.

Everyone is expecting that the new CBA will allow ticket prices to drop, but that's not going to happen in every market. Locally, I've seen the owners make tiny gestures, like giving away free Rangers tickets to people waiting in line all day, and decreasing season ticket packages by 10% and throwing in a personalized jersey. For most people, that's pretty useless. Most of the discounts I've seen only affect season ticket holders, or those who opted for a refund from last season; the common fan (like me) who is only going to attend a handful of games is not affected at all. So far, only a few teams have discounted single game ticket prices, like Toronto (5% decrease) and Colorado (10% decrease), but for the most part the working-class fans will still be priced out.

Oh well. For better or worse, hockey's back.

Oh, Oh, OH! Canada [or Border XXX-ings]

Thanks to the Smoking Gun for the titles (I really couldn't do better).

The Smoking Gun, always on the cutting edge of bizarre and wacky law enforcement activities, has procured the Admissible and Prohibitable items under Canada's "Border Services Agency."

The job of this Agency is basically to screen porn and other potentially offense and/or profane material and give it an entrance or denial of entrance stamp. Tangently, how the hell does an American go about becoming a Canadian Civil Servant? how do you say Civil Service Exam in Quebecois? The good news is they are looking for a Director of Industry and Trade. He/she must have editorial review of these goods.

For people too lazy to follow TSG link (although I highly recommend it), I will quote some of the highlights; both mine and TSG's.

Admitted:

• "Have Some Cannelloni, Tony!"
• "Frank and Beans"
• "Sie schluckt und schluckt und..."
• "Basic Tool Maintenance"
• "Elbow Deep"
• "Much More than 4 Fingers, Vol. 2"

Prohibited:

• "Dog Wedding"
• "Leather Bound Dykes from Hell" (volumes 18 AND 19)
• "Piss Parade"
• "The Best of Daddy, Volume 1"
• "Best of British Spanking 15"

Feel free to add your favorites in the comments section below.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

ABC has been showing commercials for "NFL Kickoff 2005" for roughly the last two weeks, which I believe is not until Sept. 8th. That's right, we are being subjected to the frightening sight that is John Madden's huge head, about 2 months before we should have to. And if that's not crazy enough for you, I went into the mall yesterday and they already have the Christmas decorations up! Okay, I made that last part up.

Anyway, my short answer is: No, I am not ready for some football. Please go away.

WOXY MUSIC

I'll say it again: terrestrial radio both sucks AND blows. The latest offender in the NYC market is a thing called "Jack", which has just usurped longtime oldies station CBS 101.1 FM (which I didn't listen to either). The New York Times has informed me that it's just one of 18 automated, soulless stations that features the same taped voiceover actor making witty quips between the "hits" from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. There are also "Bob" (hits) and "Hank" (country hits) stations across the country I'm told. God help us. This whole "Jack" thing started in Vancouver, so we can blame Canada.

Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . .

NHL: LOCK IN?

The NHL lockout is over, if they ratify this deal (and if they know what's good for them, they should). Well, it's about freaking time. Goodenow and Bettman didn't quit, but you can't have everything . . .

THIS TIME, IT SUCKS.

This just in: I couldn't give a flying crap about tonight's All-Star Game! It's probably because of overexposure, with ESPN Baseball Tonight and SportsCenter, a thousand internet sports web sites, fantasy leagues, the satellite TV baseball packages, and something like 15 MLB games on ESPN and FOX every week . . . I mean, you can't escape these guys. It used to be a novelty, but now there's nothing interesting about the All-Star Game, because we've already seen them all play, and with interleague play and rampant free agent moves, they've already gone head-to-head dozens of times. Meh.

So who really cares? Pedro Martinez, the only deserving Mets player, surely doesn't so he's skipping it, and I can't blame him (he gave his cash bonus to charity). So the starters for this game are Mark Buerhle and Chris Carpenter. This is supposed to showcase the best players in the league, and that's the best you could do? You've got to be kidding me. I may sound like an old fogey, but the last good pitching matchup was probably back in 1986, Roger Clemens vs. Dwight Gooden, which was an eventual World Series preview. (1999, Pedro vs. Schilling is interesting in retrospect, and also because it was the last time Pedro was dominant.) Oh well.

Apparently, the Home Run Derby was yesterday, though I didn't watch a second of it. The only thing I know is that the "American" representative (they gave it an international twist to publicize their "World Cup of Baseball" or whatever it's called, a horribly bad idea) was someone from Pittsburgh named Jason Bay. Who? The star of "Arrested Development" and "Teen Wolf 2"? Oh, and this "slugger" hit exactly ZERO dingers. USA! USA!

That's why, more than ever, it's time for golf. Thankfully, The British Open Championship starts on Thursday. Set your alarm, because those tee times are early (for everyone except Kris). Too bad it couldn't start today.

_________________________________________

AMERICAN TV TIMES
Thursday, July 14th
TNT: 6:30 - 7 a.m. ET/PT (Preview Show)
TNT: 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. ET/PT
ABC: 1:05 a.m. - 1:35 a.m. ET
Friday, July 15th
TNT: 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. ET/PT
ABC: 1:05 a.m. - 1:35 a.m. ET
Saturday, July 16th
TNT: 7 - 9 a.m. ET / 4 - 6 a.m. PT
ABC: 9:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. ET
ABC: 5 - 6 p.m. ET (Highlights Show)
Sunday, July 17th
TNT: 6 - 8 a.m. ET / 3 - 5 a.m. PT
ABC: 8 a.m. - 1:30 p.m. ET
ABC: 5 - 6 p.m. ET (Highlights Show)

Ouverture Exceptionnel

Last Wednesday marked the begining of the "Soldes" or summer sales period. This date, dictated by the Prefet (a kind of puesdo-dictator for the region that is appointed directly by Chirac or one of his minions), signifies the only time that stores can legally place their products on sale. There are two soldes periods per year. One just after Christmas in January and one starting in early July and lasting into mid-August. The principle being that the stores can reduce prices on the stock of winter or summer clothes so they can make way for the other collection.

The soldes traditionally bring out the worst in the French. Always a fairly introspective and me-first society, a sudden trip to the shopping center turns into a full bore war...for a parking space, for a cart, for the last head of lettuce, and of course for a place in the line (word to the wise; if you are ever in France, never, ever, blink when you are standing in line, this is some sort of non-verbal acknowledgement that you want 20 people to crowd in front of you). If I could so how avoid eating for 6 weeks I would be all means skip the supermarket for the duration.

Anyway, getting to the real purpose of my current topic. French stores are, on top of being told when to reduce their prices, told what days of the week they can open, for how long, etc. One day that is strictly interdit is Sunday. I believe I raged previously in this post, or by email, about the "free-market" candidate for President in 2007, Nicolas Sarkozy, who reaffirmed the belief that Sunday should be spent with the family and not "shopping." Anyway, Sarko, as the political hacks like to call him, "liberalized" the society by allowing any specific store to be open a whopping 10 Sundays per year (fucking amazing, 10 of 52!). Generally these Sundays are before Christmas and at the beginning of the sales periods, like today for example. On a whim I figured to try to run down to the local Carrefour to check out the sales, because, as you will see, being knowledgeable of French society I realized this is the only day to go.

So I go, and Carrefour is of course opened. And who is taking advantage of this, besides me of course. In one word: Arabs. The French just do not have the wherewithal to imagine shopping on Sundays, whereas our lovely friends from the Mahgreb do of course. If there are any laws in Marrakech I would like to hear of them. Anyway, the population of Carrefour this Sunday consisted of 50 college students and 50 year-old women behind the counters, and 500 Arab customers. It is strange, and I was thinking about this when I was there. I tend to be cerebral, so I figured that the shopping center would be open, based on previous experience and pure logic. The French, being less so, obviously did not think of this, they instead thought of which paté they should open with the brie and red.

I think of myself as a non-racist; and what is funny is I can bang on the French all day and possibly be considered uncultured, or crude, but never a racist (even if they are clearly a different breed of person than Americans), but I fear that the first time I make a crack at the immigrants, I risk being put into that exclusive club with Edgar Ray Killen. This is by no means my desire, but in all honestly, the northern African population of France is less known for their intelligence, than for their insolence. And it makes me wonder; how did they know to go to Carrefour today? Is it that they do not have a culture problem shopping on Sundays, and when learning that the stores were opened they decided to go? Did they happen to be passing and just decide to stop? Do they go to Carrefour every Sunday in the hope that it is open? They seemed right at home, contrary to the French (there were a few, but honestly less than 50% of all shoppers), who on more than one occasion just looked completely lost shopping on a Sunday, honestly, I saw multiple couples looking at the ceiling inside as if saying to themselves, "So this is what Carrefour looks like on Sunday." Or maybe their were asking if this truly signifies then of French culture as they know it; Shopping on Sunday to buy shit they don't need...I'll admit, it does seem so American...

By Popular Demand

Jeff wanted it, the others were thinking it...Well my friends, I spent another lovely Saturday at the beach playing sandball and I have acquired this lovely image for my troubles...Ok, I actually posted a lovely topless woman, but on second thought realized that we should keep this post as work-friendly as possible. Therefore, you have the option now to look at it, if you'll just follow the following link: Take me to the topless French Chick!

Bettman, Goodenow must go

Article By Terry Frei, special to ESPN.com

This is not going to be a hatchet job.

Many of the denunciations of Gary Bettman's tenure as National Hockey League commissioner rely on tired, cliched and unreasonable assumptions from those who can't reconcile the sport's roots and traditions with modern reality. I often have been a Bettman defender over the years, and in many ways will continue to be.

Yet this also is inescapable: For the good of the NHL, the game and even of Bettman himself, the commissioner should step down once a new collective bargaining agreement is signed.

That would allow the relaunch and the healing to take place without his lightning-rod presence as a distraction. The same goes for NHL Players Association head Bob Goodenow, whose dogmatic and principled inflexibility on the salary cap issue was admirable yet ultimately unproductive given the likely terms of the upcoming settlement.

Bettman brought the NHL into the 21st century, literally and figuratively, which was quite a leap considering that on many fronts the league was operating in the 19th century when he took over.

Primarily because his lockout strategy "worked" – the league brought the NHLPA to its knees, forcing the union to accept the unacceptable – Bettman can leave with the reputation of having obtained what the hard-liners demanded and having "won" this battle.

He can retire on top, so to speak.

All along, he said the system needed to be fixed, and only a blinkered fool wouldn't admit that a hybrid salary cap/luxury tax system with a ceiling in the neighborhood of $36 million is a victory for Bettman and the owners. Of course, that raises the question of whether franchises whose payroll costs will be drastically cut will roll back ticket prices – and roll them back significantly, not just with slight and mostly cosmetic markdowns.

The problem is, the victory is Pyrrhic.

Because of the dark season, and the silly holding-of-breath that led to it, the NHL's reputation has sunk to new lows, and that's saying something.

Advertisers and sponsors are both wary and maybe even embarrassed.

Season-ticket holders have every reason to wonder about the wisdom of their investments and their loyalties. It's hard to decide whether NBC's television deal is more like the arrangement Tom Sawyer made to get his fence whitewashed or like the let-us-on-the-air-please deals the XFL and Arena Football had with the network. And ESPN, so linked to hockey since the days when both the Hartford Civic Center and the network had just opened their doors, has decided not to exercise its option for next season. So if the game ultimately does return to the cable network so tied to its U.S. image, it will be under a deal more like NBC's than a traditional rights agreement.

That all has happened on Bettman's watch.

Can time heal?

Maybe.

If the league comes back with lower ticket prices and even increased parity because of a spreading out of talent, and with a more entertaining product because of new rules, perhaps. But what many seem to be overlooking is that in markets such as Detroit, Colorado, Philadelphia and Toronto, fans are accustomed to ambitious ownerships and talent-laden rosters, and while they grumbled about ticket prices and frequent underachievement, they don't mind paying for a superior product.

Also, the chances for healing will be far greater, and the timetable advanced, if Bettman isn't around to continue to take the heat for the game's perceived problems, all of which aren't going to go away.

In his 12-year tenure, Bettman has been derided as "a New York lawyer" and "a basketball guy." In hockey, those terms can be pejoratives, especially because the former sometimes can be code words used to cloak anti-Semitism.

The examples of players demonizing Bettman for his role in the lockout, citing his lack of hockey background and perceived lack of affection for the sport itself, are legion. And that was comical. Bettman cared only about money and not about hockey? This was coming from men in a sport in which salaries had skyrocketed under Bettman's tenure, who were part of a union that got mad at members for accepting "hometown" discounts rather than ruthlessly seeking all they could get to nudge the benchmarks up, and even sniffed at owners for being cheap if they didn't throw money at them as they were about to become free agents.

Bill Guerin, one of the NHLPA's officers, has a patent on that one.

But that's the business. The players and the union want the NHL to be about "The Game" when it serves their purpose, but they want it to be "The Business" when the talk turns to money.

A basketball guy? Bettman couldn't dunk a basketball with the aid of four Revised Statutes volumes stacked up as a springboard. So the "basketball man" knock has nothing to do with the New York City native's athletic background but rather with his stint as an executive serving under NBA commissioner David Stern when that league introduced its salary cap and also entered a new era of prosperity.

The Bettman era has been a mixed bag. Bettman's Folly was overexpansion, which failed because it didn't secure the league a lucrative national television contract. But he did bring the league forward in many ways, all the while drawing fire for what he isn't. He isn't a Canadian or at least an American with hockey in his pedigree, he isn't pandering to the media, he isn't capable of coming off as warm and fuzzy and disarming.

The lockout is about a lot more than Bettman vs. Goodenow, but that confrontation is very real and at least plays a role in the dispute that led to the cancellation of the season. Only the two men know how much the personal pettiness has affected the process, but it's clear that Bettman resented what he believed to be the NHLPA's lack of responsiveness to the league's financial situation over the past five years, since the CBA was last renewed. Goodenow's position long has been that the free market should set the benchmarks in hockey – whether that's what owners charge for dasher-board advertising, broadcast rights and ticket prices or whether salaries continue to escalate (or undergo a market correction, which seemed to be the case as the end of the CBA approached).

And here's the most damning indictment: While the two sides were playing line-in-the-sand playground games last winter, the clock was running. If Bettman and Goodenow could have set aside their personal rivalry – and there is one, even if they won't admit it – to lead their factions back to the bargaining table for prolonged talks, last season could have been saved and the scarring reduced. Sure, the posturing and petulance on both sides affected the specific terms of the ultimate settlement, but serious negotiation would have led to this hybrid cap/tax system long ago. And saving the season would have overshadowed gains here and there.

Bettman and Goodenow were doing their jobs, and that's the business world; but they could have operated with much more urgency this past winter, and I still think their deep-seated rivalry was a major reason for their dual irresponsibility.

Bettman should have told the hard-line wing of low-ambition owners it wouldn't be allowed to carry the day, that reasonable negotiations would benefit all. Goodenow was the revolutionary leader who took over for a corruption-plagued regime that disgracefully looked out more for itself than for the players it represented. While the pendulum arguably swung too far the other way, NHL owners with a sense of history understand that many of the recent problems came because their predecessors benefited from the union's corruption.

Under Goodenow, the players had a gravy train for a long time, and he also could walk out with a track record of accomplishment for his constituency.

Bettman and Goodenow have had their runs.

After the new CBA is signed, they should quit.

Terry Frei is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. He is the author of "Third Down and a War to Go" and "Horns, Hogs, and Nixon Coming."

Da Pimp Act

Holy crap, this is one of the most ridiculous lawsuits I've heard of in a while, and being from the Land of Litigiousness, that's saying a lot.

A Russian astrologist who says NASA has altered her horoscope by crashing a spacecraft into a comet is suing the U.S. space agency for damages of $300 million.

"It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope."

Un-fucking-believable, is the first word to come to mind.

P.S. "Da Pimp Act" was a joke stolen from Mystery Science Theater 3000's Summer Blockbuster Preview show, from back in the day.

G8: THEY'RE GR8!

Here's my favorite G8 quote of the day, from President G.W. "Don't Mess With Texas" Bush:

"I don't know how we can look our taxpayers in the eye and say, this is a good deal to give money to countries that are corrupt," he said. "We want to make sure that the governments invest in their people, invest in the health of their people, the education of their people, and fight corruption."

Hey, that sounds good. So when is the United States government going to start doing that?

For me, Saturday's hugemonous "Live 8" concerts helped raise my awareness of Roger Waters' failing vocal chords, luxurious Scottish golf resorts, and the fact that MTV STILL BLOWS (apparently, AOL.com kicked its ass with their coverage).

The Continuing Saga of: "Life is tough on Kris" [UPDATE]

Scoring a goal with Photoshop
Originally uploaded by Salokj.

Great news, it turns out that I had a photo of me with the ball. I can't really explain why this looks exactly the same as the previous photo without the ball...Just a funny coincidence I guess!
I do think it makes a better picture when the ball is in my hands. Hey, this would've been the picture had I caught the ball...

The Continuing Saga of: "Life is tough on Kris"

It's coming right about...DAMN!
Originally uploaded by Salokj.

I've complained a lot of the Mediterranean coast of France, I think, and I can't help but to continue. Ok, that's a bunch of crap. I haven't complained much, and I don't have much to complain about. Anyway, I just wanted to post this image of me playing what called by the very French name of "Sandball." It takes the principles of handball (for those of you who don't know what the fuck this is, there is no better place to get your information than the Saskatchewan Team Handball webpage) and applies them in an informal manner on the beach.

For example, if a topless woman walks by and you manage to score while she is still in view, you receive double-points. Ok, that's bull, but I think they should make this a rule. You can never underestimate the distractory powers of a topless nubile. Many a goal have been scored, and many a car dinged up from their power to remove every other object in the world from your field of view. But I digress...

Anyway, you're probably asking yourself, "but how is he going to score if the ball is a good foot away from his hands." Well my friends, telekinesis has nothing to do with it. In all honesty, everything about this picture - my jump, my form, my hand placement - is textbook perfect (actually I have no idea if it's textbook perfect, if it's totally wrong, or if it falls on the hazy plane in between), except the minor detail of the ball being, unfortunately, not in my hands. But let me tell you, the goaltender was mighty surprised when I threw air at him - he wasn't expecting that!

Unfortunately, this was the best photo of me playing balle sur sable (yep, there's a reason they use the english word) - and I don't think it is a bad one, just the minor detail of the ball.

If you want to learn more about team Handball or Sandball, consult your local library, or move to Iran, I hear they're going to field an awesome team next year...Something about all the sand they have to practice on...

BLOGGER IMAGES

Blogger Images has made it much easier to add photos to this blog. Click on the little picture icon along the top of the Edit Posts window, and upload. Voila!

Not Sure If She's Polish

I have to offset your picture with one of my own (which gives a whole new meaning to the term "plumber's crack"):

AFI TOP 100 MOVIE QUOTES

I'm so glad I don't write comedy for a living, because lately I've been drier than a, uhm, camel's something-or-other in a . . . huge dry place. Anyway, in lieu of something else interesting or original to post, how about AFI's list of 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time?


AFI'S LIST OF 100 GREATEST MOVIE QUOTES OF ALL TIME

1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," Gone with the Wind, 1939.
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," The Godfather, 1972.
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is
what I am," On the Waterfront, 1954.
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
5. "Here's looking at you, kid," Casablanca, 1942.
6. "Go ahead, make my day," Sudden Impact, 1983.
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," Sunset Blvd., 1950.
8. "May the Force be with you," Star Wars, 1977.
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," All About Eve, 1950.
10. "You talking to me?" "Taxi Driver, 1976.
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate," Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," Apocalypse Now, 1979.
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," Love Story, 1970.
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of," The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
15. "E.T. phone home," E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!", In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
17. "Rosebud," Citizen Kane, 1941.
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!", White Heat, 1949.
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!", Network, 1976.
20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," Casablanca, 1942.

21. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
22. "Bond. James Bond," Dr. No, 1962.
23. "There's no place like home," The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
24. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small," Sunset Blvd., 1950.
25. "Show me the money!", Jerry Maguire, 1996.
casablanca
26. "Why don't you come up sometime and see me?", She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
27. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!", Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
28. "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By,' " Casablanca, 1942.
29. "You can't handle the truth!", A Few Good Men, 1992.
30. "I want to be alone," Grand Hotel, 1932.
31. "After all, tomorrow is another day!", Gone with the Wind, 1939.
32. "Round up the usual suspects," Casablanca, 1942.
33. "I'll have what she's having," When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
34. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," To Have and Have Not, 1944.
35. "You're gonna need a bigger boat," Jaws, 1975.
36. "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!", The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
37. "I'll be back," The Terminator, 1984.
38. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth," The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
39. "If you build it, he will come," Field of Dreams, 1989.
40. "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get," Forrest Gump, 1994.
41. "We rob banks," Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
42. "Plastics," The Graduate, 1967.
43. "We'll always have Paris," Casablanca, 1942.
44. "I see dead people," The Sixth Sense, 1999.
45. "Stella! Hey, Stella!", A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
46. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars," Now, Voyager, 1942.
47. "Shane. Shane. Come back!", Shane, 1953.
48. "Well, nobody's perfect," Some Like It Hot, 1959.
49. "It's alive! It's alive!", Frankenstein, 1931.
50. "Houston, we have a problem," Apollo 13, 1995.

51. "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?", Dirty Harry, 1971.
52. "You had me at 'hello,' " Jerry Maguire, 1996.
53. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know," Animal Crackers, 1930.
54. "There's no crying in baseball!", A League of Their Own, 1992.
55. "La-dee-da, la-dee-da," Annie Hall, 1977.
graduate 56. "A boy's best friend is his mother," Psycho, 1960.
57. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good," Wall Street, 1987.
58. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," The Godfather Part II, 1974.
59. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again," Gone with the Wind, 1939.
60. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", Sons of the Desert, 1933.
61. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!", Scarface, 1983.
62. "What a dump," Beyond the Forest, 1949.
63. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?", The Graduate, 1967.
64. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!", Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
65. "Elementary, my dear Watson," The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 1929.
66. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape," Planet of the Apes, 1968.
67. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine," Casablanca, 1942.
68. "Here's Johnny!", The Shining, 1980.
69. "They're here!", Poltergeist, 1982.
70. "Is it safe?", Marathon Man, 1976.
71. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!", The Jazz Singer, 1927.
72. "No wire hangers, ever!", Mommie Dearest, 1981.
73. "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?", Little Caesar, 1930.
74. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown," Chinatown, 1974.
75. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
76. "Hasta la vista, baby," Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991.
77. "Soylent Green is people!", Soylent Green, 1973.
78. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL," 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.

79. Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Rumack: "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley," Airplane!, 1980.
80. "Yo, Adrian!", Rocky, 1976.
81. "Hello, gorgeous," Funny Girl, 1968.
82. "Toga! Toga!", National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978.
83. "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make," Dracula, 1931.
84. "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast," King Kong, 1933.
two.towers 85. "My precious," The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002.
86. "Attica! Attica!", Dog Day Afternoon, 1975.
87. "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!", 42nd Street, 1933.
88. "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!", On Golden Pond, 1981.
89. "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper," Knute Rockne, All American, 1940.
90. "A martini. Shaken, not stirred," Goldfinger, 1964.
91. "Who's on first," The Naughty Nineties, 1945.

92. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a miracle... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!", Caddyshack, 1980.
93. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!", Auntie Mame, 1958.
94. "I feel the need--the need for speed!", Top Gun, 1986.
95. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," Dead Poets Society, 1989.
96. "Snap out of it!", Moonstruck, 1987.
97. "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you," Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
98. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," Dirty Dancing, 1987.
99. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!", The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
100. "I'm king of the world!", Titanic, 1997.
___________________________________________________

It's a fun list, and a lot of the quotes are hard to argue with. "Gone with the Wind" has three quotes, and it seems the entire script from "Casablanca" is there (6). And you've got all the greats: Brando, Eastwood, Pacino, Belushi, Cher (but alas, no Knopfler). It's good to see that "Caddyshack", "Airplane!" and "Planet of the Apes" are well represented. I have a problem with the lines lifted from real life (Lou Gehrig, Apollo 13), because Hollywood wasn't technically responsible for those.

Of course, the knee-jerk reaction to these lists is to point out what's missing, and my knee is throbbing like a veteran offensive lineman. First of all, I can't believe there isn't ONE QUOTE from a Monty Python movie, ("RUNAWAY!!!" from 1974's "Monty Python and The Holy Grail" springs to mind). And nothing from "Office Space", or "Pulp Fiction" ("Go medival on your ass" didn't make the cut)? So here some of the additions that I would put on there (obviously, I'm heavy on 80s comedy quotes):

"It's good to be the King." ("History of the World, Part I", 1981)
"How am I funny, like a clown?" ("Goodfellas", 1990)
"Yeah, baby!" ("Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery", 1997)
"Do NOT go in there!" ("Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", 1994)
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." ("The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension", 1984)
"It's over, Johnny." ("First Blood", 1982)
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" ("The Godfather Part III", 1990)
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." ("The Shawshank Redemption", 1994)
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." ("The Princess Bride", 1987)
"Welcome to the real world." ("The Matrix", 1999)
"KHAN!!! KHAN!!!" ("Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan", 1982)
"If I held you any closer I'd be on the other side of you." ("A Night at the Opera", 1935)
"What the fuck's a frush?" ("Revenge of the Nerds", 1984)
"We're on a mission from God." ("Blues Brothers", 1980)
"First rule of Fight Club: you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB." ("Fight Club", 1999)
"'Scuse me while I whip this out!" ("Blazing Saddles", 1974)
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." ("Ferris Bueller's Day Off", 1986)
"These go to eleven." ("This Is Spinal Tap", 1984)
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" ("Raiders of the Lost Ark", 1981)


I think my quotes rock (naturally), and they should revamp the entire list. What else do you think should be on here? What did I miss?

THE SIMPSONS ARE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!

Get ready to toast your Flaming Moes to some excellent news: The Simpsons movie is off the drawing board and in preproduction.

Work on "The Simpsons" movie is apparently underway, but the final non-Shrek like animated result is still a few years off. In fact, one site said Summer 2008, and I predict it will be better than the other big movies to be released that year: "Spiderman 4", the movie version of "The Six Billion Dollar Man" (adjusted for inflation), and the remake of "Apocalypse Now" starring Ashton Kutcher.

No news here - One in Two Americans Crazy

And one in four were crazy in the last year.

They weren't actually crazy, they were in a state that was clinically diagnosable as mentally ill.

Why isn't this surprising at all. And here's a nice photo of our favorite presidential candidate who wasn't...

.

ALCOHOL-FREE SPRING BREAK? ISN'T THAT AN OXYMORON?

You've got to appreciate the sheer naivete of this missing kid's relatives. We're talking about an 18 year old straight-A student from Alabama who just graduated from high school, who is celebrating before she puts her nose to the grindstone once again to being her pre-med studies. She's on spring break in Aruba, and was last seen attending a concert, followed by eating and dancing at a Carlos n' Charlie's bar and restaurant . . . and they don't think ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED?

It was not clear if Holloway had been drinking the night of her disappearance, though her relatives say she does not party much, is achievement-oriented and a straight-A student who had earned a full scholarship to study a premedical course at the University of Alabama.

Are you kidding me? Where these "relatives" ever kids themselves? Did they go to school? Don't they know it's impossible for straight white people to dance without consuming some sort of alcoholic beverage? For the most part, they're saying all the right things to the press (well, except for one uncle who calls her "naive"), and I'm sure the kid is an outstanding student. But she wasn't on a Caribbean island to study. If you did a survey, I'd say that consuming alcohol would be the #1 reason underage kids go to another country for spring break! No, I'm sure she was going to Carlos n' Charlie's for the fine cuisine, and to have a few laughs over some Pepsi n' grenadines. Please. As soon as you walk into that place they're literally pouring shots down your throat, I'm not even exaggerating. You give them a couple bucks, tip your head back, and they mix the thing right in your mouth. But I'm sure none of that was going on.

Just so you understand, I'm not making light of this situation, especially since it's been a week and she hasn't turned up and I'm thinking this can only end badly. But the sheer ignorance of that statement really stood out.

OPEN FOR HOCKEY?

This is interesting: Rudy Giuliani may help form a new hockey league called the "International Hockey Association", should the NHL lockout continue (which it appears it will, since the guys involved are complete assholes).

HOT MUSIC (P)REVIEWS!

So I've been listening to the new White Stripes and Coldplay albums for the past few days. Yeah, they don't come out until tomorrow, but as you may have heard there was an "internet leak". I panicked and didn't know how what to do, so I stuck a bucket under it to catch it, otherwise my hard drive might have been flooded! Yeah I know, lame joke, but that's the best I could do. I had semi-medium expectations for these two discs--actually, no, I thought they'd probably be less than amazing. And after listening to them this weekend, I'm so underwhelmed, you have no idea. [I tried to come up with concise reviews for these, but I wasn't feeling that creative.]

On "Get Behind Me Satan", it sounds like Jack White made a deal with the Devil and traded in his guitar for a piano, with mixed results. On the plus side, Meg was told "less drumming, more tamborine". However, they still let her sing, which helps bring the album to a grinding halt (she's now officially the Ringo Starr of this band, in every way). Overall, a very odd pastiche of an album with a lot of awkward moments--not at all what I expected. I don't know what to make of it yet, but maybe it will grow on me. Now that Jack had his WHITE WEDDING, perhaps he'll start writing love songs, nothing but love songs . . . like Chris Martin.

Which is a not-at-all-forced segue into my capsule review of the new Coldplay album "X&Y". Well, hey, it sounds a lot like Coldplay . . . just a lot more bland (maybe Gwyneth softened him up . . . hey, it happens to the best of us, or does it?). Seriously, I've listened to the whole thing a few times through, and there isn't one song that stood out, except I think I heard one of them on the radio before. I'll sum it up briefly by comparing it to the giant 4x4 SUVs that the soccer moms who will buy this CD drive around in: it's comfortable, reliable, yet uninspiring. And, although it has the potential, it never really veers off the road or anywhere unexpected. (It should sell about 2 million units this week.)

I was also searching for a good summer concert to attend, and pretty much came up snake eyes there too. Of course, there is "An Evening With Journey". What does that mean? It alludes to more than just a concert: maybe dinner, a few glasses of wine, and if everything goes right, spending the night with them (included in the ticket price)? I have a feeling that's a "sneak out in the middle of the night" kind of thing, you don't want to be "Waking up with Journey". Or godforbid, "Breakfast With Journey". Oh, the horror.

Anyway, hey kids, rock and roll. Rock on.

SUMMER BUMMER

Now that we've got the serious political discussion out of the way . . .



It's June, and you know what that means--heat rash, West Nile virus, and a slew of summer movie blockbusters! You know how I feel about "Star Wars", but surprise, surprise, it's not the only tired-ass idea being flogged this season. Take a look at the unoriginal garbage masquerading itself as "entertainment" this year. Let slip the dogs of crap!

"The Longest Yard"
"Dukes of Hazzard"
"Bad News Bears"
"Bewitched"
"The Pink Panther"
"Herbie: Fully Loaded"
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
"The Honeymooners"
"War of the Worlds"

Wonderful! I've already seen all of these, so this saves me loads of time! This allows me to play golf and spend some time OUTDOORS this summer, instead of paying $11 to sit in a dark room stuck to the floor (which I can do at home for free). Okay, I technically haven't seen "Batman Begins", but all that will do is kill the lead actor's career for years to come (Christian Bale, allow me to introduce you to Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Michael Keaton). And the last movie there is a Spielberg/Cruise vehicle, but this time I just don't feel like getting behind the wheel. Meh.

Oh, I forgot to mention "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo", but I figured it needed its own paragraph. That's right, someone green lighted this sequel. I'll just let that sink in. There. You may start screaming.

(I don't really care about this stuff, I just wanted that hideous picture and headline off the top of the blog--thanks Kris!)

Just forget these movies and go buy MST3K Volume 7, featuring:

Episode 407- THE KILLER SHREWS (with short: JUNIOR RODEO DAREDEVILS)
Episode 408- HERCULES UNCHAINED
Episode 410- HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN
Episode 816- PRINCE OF SPACE (with bonus shorts: ASSIGNMENT VENEZUELA, CENTURY 21 CALLING and A CASE OF SPRING FEVER)

GYMKATA!