Thursday, February 9, 2006

HOW TO DISMANTLE A JOSHUA TREE

U2 won 5 Grammys last night including the big kahuna, Album of the Year. So if you add in the 2 they won for "Vertigo" last year, that's 7 awards they've managed to get out of the worst album of their career, which easily beats the previous record holder, Toto (for 1981's "Toto IV"). Now, I agreed with the Album of the Year for "The Joshua Tree" in 1987, but that's where it ends. I'm just going to assume the Grammy voters are playing catchup for snubbing them early in their career, for "Pride (In the Name of Love)", and the albums "War" and "Boy", and/or "Unforgettable Fire". But seriously, the throwaway B-sides from "Joshua Tree" are better than anything on their current disc. Anyway, the Grammys are just so lame and predictable, I can't deal with it anymore. Just the fact that Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl", which would have been stupidest song of the year if it wasn't for Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps", was considered one of the TOP FIVE BEST SONGS OF THE YEAR tells you where music is at nowadays. Obviously, the Grammys are just trying their hardest to get people from every walk of life to tune in (by throwing Mariah, Sir Paul, Kanye, Gwen, and U2 in the same category), but none of this stuff is close to being groundbreaking or the "best" music of the year. I mean, how many polka Grammys can Jimmy Sturr win before someone does something about it?!? (Rhetorical question.) Personally, I can't wait until they add the categories "Most Downloaded Song" and "Ringtone of the Year".

To illustrate how meaningless award nominations are, the "Dr. Phil" show got a daytime Emmy nomination for "Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling". I'll let you think that one over for a minute . . .

The Daily News had this headline in the paper about the Giambino:
JASON NO LONGER SORRY
Injects himself with new pride

Wow, that's puntastic! He does look a lot like Meat Loaf, or maybe he's just been eating a lot of meat loaf.

Duke beat North Carolina the other night on an unbelieveably lucky break: with 20 seconds left and down by 3 with the ball, NC inexplicably did not attempt a 3 point shot, instead driving the lane and missing a layup with 8 seconds left. Whuh? Duke doesn't need breaks like this, they do just fine without it. And why isn't this even mentioned in the recap? It makes it sound like Duke won easily. In other news, Dick Vitale masturbated in his hotel room afterwards. And what's the deal with J.J Redick? Is there anyone whiter? No, I'm not playing the race card, I'm just talking about his pigmentation--his skin is a deathly pale white. Does he ever get any sun? Does he ever leave the gym? Is he a member of a some weird goth club? I bet even albinos even call him "whitey". Seriously, he's white.

What's the record for an actor who has starred in the most movies that have titles stolen from songs? Because I think Reese Witherspoon is up there at the top, with "Walk the Line", (Johnny Cash), "Just Like Heaven" (The Cure), and "Sweet Home Alabama" (Lynyrd Skynyrd). She was also in "Twilight", which HAD to be stolen from the U2 song, but I can't prove it.

I know "Brokeback Mountain" is the big gay Oscar hit of the year, but now they've made a movie out of "Bicurious George"? That's just wrong. Stop monkeying around, Hollywood! Or maybe I read that ad wrong. Oh, and those remakes of "Pink Panther" and "When a Stranger Calls" are sure to do well, but I can't wait for the big screen version of "Small Wonder".

Why does it take the Super Bowl for people to discover: 1) how horrible NFL officials are, 2) how stupid the majority of commercials are, and 3) how old the Rolling Stones are? Guess what? It's been like that for quite a while. Are we all caught up now? Super.

I don't understand Cablevision. Yes, I'm happy with their HD programming, since they exclusively carry "Fox Sports NY-HD" and "MSG-HD", but I don't understand how they choose what gets broadcast in HD and what doesn't. The Knicks @ Nets game was in HD on BOTH channels last night, meanwhile the Rangers were at home (HD ready!) and the Islanders were in Philly (not HD ready)--and neither of them in was in HD. If you put the Rangers on MSG-HD, the Isles on FSNY, and the Nets on YES-HD, then everyone wins. Cablevision OWNS the Rangers, and can't get them broadcast in HD?

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

GO BLOGGER!

This is a test.


Yes, go@blogger.com's MOBLOG system worked correctly it seems, although Verizon puts all this signature crap after my comments which I had to delete. This picture was taken from my Samsung A670 phone on July 4th weekend 2005, and has been trapped on it ever since. I think I'll send a picture a day while I'm in Florida, just to try this out, and make everyone jealous. And by "everyone", I mean "no one", because I'm the only one that reads this blog.

Anyway, I'll be on the golf course next week at this time, and you won't. And this blog will provide visual evidence of that. So there.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

NHL Players Protest New Goaltending Penalty

When I can't think of anything funny to blog, it's time to steal from the Onion.

January 26, 2006 | Onion Sports

NEW YORK — Less than six months since players returned from a yearlong lockout, hockey is once again in turmoil following last week's announcement that "goaltending," or attempting to obstruct a shot on goal or impede the puck's progress with one's body or stick, would become a two-minute minor penalty, a rule change that went into effect Monday. "Increasing scoring with rule changes and cracking down on obstruction is one thing," said Phoenix Coyotes goaltender Curtis Joseph, who claims his job is being banned by the league. "But to take a page from the NBA and just outlaw goaltending outright… Maybe it's just me, but I think that rule just plain goes against the spirit of hockey." Veteran NHL centers, forwards, and some defensemen took issue with Joseph's remarks, claiming he was still angry over being penalized seven times in the Coyotes' Monday night game against Dallas, in which Joseph had zero saves and lost 88-105.

Monday, February 6, 2006

CRAPTACULAR END TO A CRAPTACULAR YEAR

This was one of the worst NFL seasons in recent memory, so it was quite appropriate that it culminated in a Big Game that was a boring, plodding, sloppily played, poorly officiated, anticlimactic contest. In many ways, it was a microcosm of the whole dismal year of football. Big Ben played horribly, MVP Shaun Alexander didn't show up, Holmgren and Hasselbeck couldn't run a 2 minute offense if you gave them all day, Stevens dropped passes all night, Seattle special teams stank with two missed FGs and punts landing in the end zone--it was by all accounts a craptacular showcase of the "best" teams in the NFL. You know it's a bad night when the game's best pass was thrown by wide receiver (and college QB) Tony "Antwaan Randle El" Randall, a 43-yard end-around option-pass for a TD to Hines Ward. Ugh.
TONY RANDALL Although the officiating was predictably horrible, giving us at least 3 or 4 bad calls in this game, I don't buy that the officials fixed this game so that the "Stealers" would beat the Seahawks. Because let's face it: they're not that smart. They're tax adjustors, teachers, real estate appraisers, carpet salesmen, not duplicitous secret agents with an agenda or an axe to grind. The calls didn't prevent Seattle from winning, because they couldn't get out of their own way all night. They held Pittsburgh to zero first downs in the first quarter but only scored 3 points, and failed to score more than one TD even while leading in rushing and time of possession. And when it counted, like during the record 75-yard Willie Parker TD run, and the aforementioned "gadget" play, the Hawks D let them down. So Seahawks fans and conspiracy theorists, stop whining, because your team played like shit; it turns out that the Steelers performance was only a little less shitty. Bottom line: when you're the #1 NFC team with the highest scoring offense, and you're playing the #6 AFC team, and you only manage 10 points, it shouldn't have even come down to the officiating.
BEN OVER Oh, and even the commercials sucked. And I later found out that Joe Montana (who I used to like) decided to skip the "parade of MVPs" prior to the game because the NFL couldn't pay him enough. Pretty sad. Oh, and Terry Bradshaw skipped it too, but he's an asshole anyway. At least we got to watch the game in glorious High Jeffinition. Hey, I actually found something positive to say (besides how much I enjoyed Sam Adams Black Lager).
DAVE SHAVE
So now that it's all over, I'm hoping that freshly shaved Big Ben (why didn't he use the Gillette "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades" Fusion?) can party with some real hotties this time around, and not some random chicks in some guy's basement. I can't wait for the pictures to hit the internet. BTW, even HE honestly didn't think he got in the end zone on Sunday (which he said on 'David Letterman').

After all this, one can only hope that the NFL will finally fix the lousy video review/officiating in the off-season, but I doubt it. Until next year, bye bye, NFL. We won't miss you!

MINNIE BUS

Sunday, February 5, 2006

TWO WORDS ABOUT THE BIG GAME

I think I said I was going to post something everyday, so here it is. I have just two words about the BIG GAME: BLACK LAGER. Considering I haven't had a Sam Adams in a while, it was a pleasant surprise.

Thanks.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

PRE-BIG GAME PROGRAMMING GUIDE

I know there's usually a lot of pre-game stuff on Sunday before the BIG GAME, but this year some of it is really strange:

OLN / 1:00AM - 1:30AM / "PRE-PRE-PRE GAME SHOW: Ice Fishing for Squid in Detroit" (kw)
ABC / 10:00 AM - 11:00 AM / "This Week in Football with George Stephanopoulos" (jk)
CARTOON / 10:00 AM - 10:30 AM / "Animated Adventures of Sammy Steroid & Harry Growth Hormone" (kw)
ESPN2 / 10:30 AM - 11:00 AM / "Dan Marino's All-Marino Team of Super Bowl Losers" (jk)
ESPN Classic / 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM / 2006 AFC & NFC Championship Games: Re-inacted In the Studio By Former Football Players Wearing Suits and Ties Presented By Men's Wearhouse (jk)
E! / 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM / The 2006 Super Bowl Referees: The True Hollywood Story (kw)
ABC / 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM / "The View: Breakfast with the Rolling Stones" (jk)
ESPN / 12:00 PM - 12:30 PM / Chris Berman's Top Ten Favorite Sandwiches of the Week (jk)
ADULT1 / 12:00 PM - 1:30 PM / "Pounding the Pigskin" (kw)
FOOD / 12:00 PM - 12:30 PM / Grillin' and Singin' with Terry Bradshaw (jk)
I'M SO LONESOME I COULD CRY (1976)ESPNHD / 12:30 PM - 1:30 PM / The Making of Al Michael's Swimsuit Video (jk)
LIFETIME / 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM / "Lifetime Movies Presents: Bloody Sunday - The Annual Beating of Susie Claxton" (rv)
NBC / 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM / Dr. Phil: Coping With Failure (featuring Scott Norwood, Mike Vanderjagt, The Minnesota Vikings) (jk)
ESPN2 / 6:18 PM - 10:30 PM / "Super Bowling Tournament" (kw)

Friday, February 3, 2006

MY GOALS FOR TODAY

I just wanted to post links for the two best NHL goals of the season so far.
Malik
1) Marek Malik vs. Olaf Kolzig, November 26, 2005. This cartoonish goal (which doesn't technically count as a goal) won the game for the Rangers in the 15th round of the OT win it against the Capitals at MSG. Are you kidding? That was a crazy day at MSG, with the Knicks winning earlier in the day in OT on a buzzer-beating 3-pointer, followed by this unexpected goal.
Alexander the Great
2) Alexander Ovechkin vs. Brian Boucher (Phoenix Coyotes), January 16, 2006. This one was absolutely ridiculous, I can't even describe it. Even Gretzky couldn't help but admire this one, as he looked up at the scoreboard to see the replay, and was quoted afterwards saying "That was sweet". Although Crosby may be the better all-around player, this kid is a shoo-in for Rookie of the year with his phenominal scoring talent.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

BIG BENDER

This is why I'm rooting for Big Ben to win the Big Game #40 on Xtra Large American Football Contest Sunday:

BIG BENDER
DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY

I'm going to take his T-shirt's sage advice this Sunday, but I'm hoping he doesn't do the same. I'm going to hold off on buying Big Ben's BBQ Sauce, because I still have a huge bottle of Van Halen bassist Michael "Mad" Anthony's BBQ sauce. Beware: the combination of habaƱero peppers and ancho chile powder gave me the runs like the devil!

At least Western Pennsylvanians had something else to look forward to this February, other than watch that fat rat see his shadow, who by doing so predicted 6 more weeks of Super Bowl hype.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

During this magical month, I'm going to try to blog every day. That's right, every ding dong day in Jeffuary, you'll get some new useless crap in this space! This, of course, means that the postings up here will be of substandard quality, but hey, you get what you pay for. Oh, and since I'll be in sunny Florida from Feb 14th until the 22nd, it'll be hard to update, so maybe I'll email a joke/pun/palindrome, or maybe an advertisement for butt cream. Whatever it may be, it's sure to be fabulous.

Have a happy healthy Jeffuary!

(Oh, and don't buy those Valentine KitKat minis, they're this weird cherry flavor and they're all pink and sissy looking.)

I DON'T BELIEVE I AM ADEQUATELY PREPARED FOR SOME FOOTBALL . . .

I just wanted to mention how the NFL is repeatedly shooting itself in the foot. Not only has the officiating/video review aspect of the game become godawful, the wide receivers turned into loud mouth divas, and the two week hype-a-thon for the Super Bowl interminable, but they've decided to add more games on Thursday and Saturday nights next season.

NEW YORK - The NFL Network will broadcast eight prime-time games on Thursdays and Saturdays beginning next season.

The eight-game package, announced by commissioner Paul Tagliabue on Saturday, will begin with a game on Thanksgiving night. All of the games also will be shown on local stations in the teams' home markets. The package was created by taking Saturday and Sunday games that originally would have been shown by the league's broadcast partners.

The league runs the 2-year-old NFL Network, which is in about 40 million homes. The addition of games to its lineup almost assuredly will increase that number.


I don't currently get this channel, so this move doesn't directly affect me, but this move is perplexing. The NFL used to be a lot more special because it had its own day, Sunday, and the build-up and suspense gave the sport some juice, something to talk about during the week. With the explosion of televised sports in the 70s, the creation of "Monday Night Football" was invitable, but even this weekly one-game showcase has been in serious decline (and has been relegated to ESPN in 2006). But now (just like college football, which is on almost every day during the season), with games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday nights, how is anyone going to know when anyone's playing? Besides, are people clamoring to watch late night football every day of the week? I don't know a single person who wishes there were more 9:00 PM Thursday games in December (especially tailgaters). Actually, the one thing I agree with is having a night game on Turkey Day, since the MST3K Marathon no longer exists (in anyone's house but mine, that is).

Since this makes no logical sense, this whole decision must be based on money. The marketing "geniuses" probably think this will make every game special, but it's going to do the opposite in my opinion. They're getting overly greedy by spreading it out, further diluting an already declining product. Oh, I know the advertising revenue is not declining; on the contrary, it keeps going up! But it seems that no one cares about the actual games, or the fans, any more. So since we're screwing around with the NFL and Sunday is no longer sacred, how about we have the Super Bowl on SATURDAY NIGHT?? Think of the possibilities--people would go out to bars, spend more on food, and drink MORE BEER.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

XL = XTREME LAUGHS

Cracked Magazine appeared sometime in the 1960s as a low-rent alternative to MAD magazine, and occasionally came up with some funny stuff. However, they now have a website just like everyone else, and this ESPN parody that they created is hilarious. And this link of "SPN'S MORE THAN COMPLETE MEGA COVERAGE" is now my only source for information about Big Game #40. They inform us, among other things, that "Detroit Native Jerome "From Detroit" Bettis to Play Super Bowl in Detroit (His Hometown)":

In a story that SPN's writers are calling the biggest Super Bowl scoop ever, SPN reports that veteran Steelers RB Jerome Bettis is a native of Detroit. That’s right – the same city that’s hosting Super Bowl XL. The very same Super Bowl in which Bettis is playing! Is this an amazing story or what?! We're not grasping at straws! READ MORE

• Pasquarelli: It’s true, he is from Detroit. I checked | Clayton: If so, why is no one reporting on this?
• Vote: Should we run this story into the ground?
• Does he actually like Detroit? | Is he insane?!
• Also, Jerome Bettis is obese and he's playing in Super Bowl XL | Get it? Like the size extra large? | It's funny because, you know, he's a big guy

Monday, January 30, 2006

GQ: The Ten Most Hated Athletes

This is a funny article, because of the Phil Mickelson revelations and the fact that somebody in a major publication finally mentioned Curt Schilling's fake bloody sock! Turns out he's a jerk. Who knew? Good stuff.

__________________________________________________________
Who are the most roundly despised men in pro sports? We asked their peers-and they came out swinging By David Gargill and Nate Penn

GQ: The Five Who Just Missed the Cut

Jeff Kent
Says one reporter: "He's got two moods-sour and angry." Another recalls spotting him eating alone at a restaurant during a road trip. "Five minutes later, eight of his teammates walk in, and they nod, and he nods. Then the eight teammates sit at a different table. He literally doesn't need friends." "I hate when guys say, 'Oh, he's misunderstood,' " says John Lopez, of the Houston Chronicle. "Jeff Kent's not misunderstood. He's a prick." Lopez notes, however, that Kent's hard-nose style actually inspired the 2004 Astros, a perhaps overly mellow group: "They needed that injection of prickness."

Randy Johnson
"The only time I've seen him smile is when he thinks he's embarrassed somebody," says one sportswriter. Another recalls something called Rule 51, named for Johnson's uniform number and in force during his years in Arizona. According to Rule 51, Johnson would personally select the defense for each of his starts. "He wanted things to be just right the days he pitched," says the sportswriter, and teammates accepted this "because he was their meal ticket." Says another sportswriter, "He's just a very sour guy. He's like a tall Kent."

Rasheed Wallace
In Portland, Rasheed, the Blazers' best player, pissed off teammates by getting kicked out of games so often. Along with Bonzi Wells, he would at times engage in less-than-professional behavior as well, making headlines on one occasion for playfully firing a basketball across a practice court and directly into the nuts of Blazers center Ruben Boumtje Boumtje. "Bonzi and Rasheed ran off the court laughing. They thought that was the funniest thing," says Jason Quick, of the Portland Oregonian. Freed of Bonzi's influence, Wallace won a ring in Detroit.

A-Rod
"The issue with Alex is his insecurity," says a writer who's covered him. "He needs people to tell him he's great. It struck me that he'd be looking around sometimes, fishing for guys to tell him, 'Oh, you're the best.' " The sportswriter recalls A-Rod's vain attempt to bask in the reflected glory of Hank Blalock after the latter won the 2003 All-Star Game with a late-inning homer. "Alex was patting him on the head like he was a little kid, and it really pissed Hank off." Another writer disagrees: "People say he's phony, but I don't see it."

Danny Fortson
Fortson may believe that playing in blowouts is beneath him: According to one sportswriter, during the fourth quarter of a game in which the Mavs were enjoying a huge lead, he disappeared to take a dump and never came back. Don Nelson and Jerry Colangelo have assailed him in the media for thuggery; reportedly, Forton has tried to take out players' knees in practice. But beat writers say he's a nice guy and a great interview: "I don't think he's the Antichrist by any stretch," says one. -David Gargill and Nate Penn


10. Lleyton Hewitt
To our minds, Lleyton Hewitt's obsession with Rocky is reason enough to put the Aussie tennis star on the list (the dude fires himself up on the court by shouting, "C'mon, Rock!"), but it's his race-baiting during the 2001 U.S. Open that really seals the deal. Serving in the third set against American James Blake, Hewitt was called for multiple foot faults by a black linesman. Incensed, he approached the chair umpire and, pointing first to the offending linesman and then to Blake, said, "Look at him and you tell me what the similarity is."

"It was a terrible act," says tennis sage Bud Collins. "Everybody knew what he meant."

"The thing is, he's a big foot faulter," adds former pro and current analyst Mary Carillo. "So the idea that all of a sudden, in the heat of a match, he's getting called for it out of racial bias was ridiculous.

"He makes guys crazy," Carillo adds. "They try hard to ignore him, but he's always barking on the other side of the net." In his 2005 Australian Open match against Argentine Juan Ignacio Chela, Hewitt so enraged Chela with his frenzied celebration of an unforced error that Chela fired a serve directly at him, then spat at him during a changeover.

"We all know how Lleyton is," said another Argentine player, Guillermo Coria. "He can be the best player in the world, win every tournament, but I would not want to be like him." Hewitt, Coria added, is disliked "by every other player on the international circuit."

Hewitt isn't even popular in his native Australia. He has been booed in his hometown, and after the incident with Chela, one Australian paper proclaimed, "Many regretted [the spit] did not find its target."

9. A. J. Pierzynski
Google the phrase clubhouse cancer and the ?rst two results will be stories about Chicago White Sox catcher A. J. Pierzynski. Teammates and members of the media use those words and others-unprofessional, immature, arrogant, aloof-to describe him. His baseball misdemeanors are legion: chirping at the opposition, bitterly contesting balls and strikes (very stupid for a catcher, who must win goodwill for his pitcher), and venting his frustrations on opposing first basemen. "He doesn't have a lot of baseball etiquette," says one ex-teammate. "He'll deliberately step on your foot at first base, then say, 'Man, I didn't mean to do that!' "

The most telling of the many, many (seriously, you wouldn't believe how willing people were to talk about this guy) Pierzynski anecdotes we heard took place during spring training in 2004. Pierzynski, crouched behind the plate, took a pitch to the groin. Rushing to his aid, trainer Stan Conte asked him how he felt. "Like this!" Pierzynski grunted, then savagely kneed Conte in the balls.

"You just want to choke him," says the ex-teammate, who has also played against him. "You want your pitcher to hit him in the head."


8. Phil Mickelson
Last August at the PGA Championship at Baltusrol, in New Jersey, a reporter turned to a golfer on the tour and said of Phil Mickelson, "Man, the fans here love Phil." The golfer replied, "They don't know him the way we do." It blew our minds a little when we heard this, since Mickelson ranks among the most admired golfers in America. But today the same reporter makes his case bluntly: "Phil Mickelson literally has no friends out there. He annoys everybody."

Mickelson has earned many nicknames on the Tour, but our favorite is FIGJAM (Fuck, I'm good-just ask me). "There are a bunch of pros who think he and his whole smiley, happy face are a fraud," another reporter says. "They think he's preening and insincere." Mickelson has aggressively pursued a family-man image that is crucial to his success as an endorser. In 1999, when he nearly won the U.S. Open, Mickelson wore a beeper onto the fairway to alert him when his wife went into labor. If the beeper went off during the final round, he announced, he would simply walk off the course. Some of Mickelson's peers, smelling a PR stunt, badly wanted to call his bluff. "Everybody's saying, 'Oh God, I want that beeper to go off,' " recalls one writer. (It didn't.)

In 2003, Mickelson violated multiple taboos when he told a reporter that Tiger Woods was playing with "inferior equipment" and that he envied Mickelson's longer drives from the tee. Woods was infuriated. "You just don't say shit like that in golf," says a reporter. (To be fair, another reporter says, "Phil was right.")

Shortly before the 2004 Ryder Cup, though, Mickelson abruptly switched from Titleist to Callaway equipment. He left himself little time to get used to the new balls and clubs. "It wasn't in the best interest of the team," says a reporter. "The only thing that it was in the best interest of was his ?nancial gain." The contract paid a reported $7 million to $10 million annually. "What it did was set up a bull's-eye on him if he played poorly," says a different reporter. "Which he did."

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, "The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn't have to give back a lot of money, and here's the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, 'How about helping the rest of us who aren't as rich?' " Adds another reporter: "It's like not showing up for somebody's wedding."


7. Bonzi Wells
Not yet 30 years old, Bonzi Wells, shooting guard for the Sacramento Kings, has played for three NBA teams. "If you've got that much ability and you're traded three times that early in your career," says ex-NBA player and current ESPN commentator Tom Tolbert, "there's obviously something wrong with you."

Words like fumigate come up when people try to explain why GMs trade him. "It doesn't bother him if his unhappiness infects the entire team," says Memphis sportswriter Geoff Calkins, who recalls that when Grizzlies coach Hubie Brown was contemplating retirement (citing health reasons), "part of the calculus for Hubie was 'It's not worth it,' and a big part of that was Bonzi. He helped bring Hubie down."

When Brown's successor, Mike Fratello, pulled Wells from a game at the end of last season, Bonzi threw a tantrum involving, characteristically, both profanity and projectiles. "This was in the final weeks of the season," says Ron Higgins, another Memphis sportswriter, "when the Grizzlies were desperately trying to make the playoffs. Other players looked at him like, What the hell are you doing?"

Recalls sportswriter Jason Quick, who covered Bonzi in Portland: "He would flip off a fan and the next day say, 'I blacked out.' He's such a con man. When the TV lights went on, he'd put on that million-dollar smile, then be an ass when they left." He spat, infamously, on Danny Ferry. He bitched constantly at his coaches. He was fined for bad-mouthing his own fans in Sports Illustrated. He made a veiled threat after a reporter wrote a negative story about him.

"He told me, 'Don't be surprised one day if you show up to practice with a steak over your eye,' " Quick remembers. "And I said, 'If you want to do that, I'll be a rich man.' He said, 'I'm not dumb enough to do it myself. I'll have my posse do it.' "


6. Michael Iaconelli
We give you America's biggest basshole. As one rival puts it, Iaconelli, a loud, brash New Jerseyite, has "disgraced" the predominantly southern, rural, Christian sport of angling. "When he catches one," says celebrated fisherman Denny Brauer, "you've got the fist pumps, the running around the boat, the lying flat on the boat. He'll stare at the fish, yell at it, point at it. He'll shake his finger at it."

Iaconelli has repeatedly defied the sport's time-honored codes. Among them:

Respect a man's water. "He sees somebody catching fish and pulls right in front of 'em," angler Brent Chapman explains. At an event on the Potomac River in June 2005, Chapman says, Iaconelli observed him hauling in a six-pound bass. "He proceeded to start fishing right in front of me. I asked him, 'Are you really gonna fish here?' He proceeded to yell profanities at me."

No wakes means no wakes. "A lot of times, he has eight to ten boats following him," says Brauer. At Lake Wissota in 2005, Brauer adds, "He would come charging into our area with his group and just totally ransack the whole little basin for an hour and then be gone. He ruined the water."Lose with honor. At the Bassmaster Classic-the Super Bowl of angling-in Charlotte in 2004, Iaconelli "was suffering from a bad day of fishing," says rival Bernie Schultz, "and he deliberately fished out-of-bounds to get himself disqualified. It's very difficult to even get qualified for that championship, and he turned it into a circus act. It was an inexcusable way of keeping himself in the forefront with the media. I know it was calculated. I know he did it purposefully."

"Iaconelli is a big-city angler and a product of the street," Schultz adds. "Our sport should be portrayed more like golf or tennis or sports of that nature."


5. Kobe Bryant
"I'd be the first to tell you that Kobe has not helped himself with a lot of what's gone on," says Greg Anthony, former NBA player and current ESPN analyst. "He's never been the type to do things that would endear him to his teammates." Maurice Carter, one of Bryant's former Laker teammates, agrees: "He's to himself. You're not in Kobe's life outside basketball; you just have to accept that." But it's not the off-court cold shoulder that rubs his teammates the wrong way; Bryant's on-court behavior is the real problem. "As a player," explains Anthony, "?rst and foremost, it's shot selection. You've gotta understand that when you're not playing the game the right way, it's going to negatively impact you toward your teammates. And there were a lot of complaints about Kobe being sel?sh, not caring about anyone other than himself. Even his coach said he was uncoachable. If your coach is saying it, you can rest assured the players are saying it."

Shaquille O'Neal was the focal point in Phil Jackson's vaunted triangle offense, but Kobe's refusal to take a backseat to the Diesel sunk what could've been the most dominant basketball dynasty ever. "I've talked to Scottie Pippen and Michael," says Anthony, "and if Michael Jordan played with Shaq, he would have found a way to let Shaq be the man."

"They could have won six in a row," says one NBA insider, but Shaq and Kobe "wouldn't even speak to each other. I mean, that's almost unheard-of. You're talking about teammates, the two best players at the time-not only on the team, but in the league-and they had no personal relationship. None. And I'm not talking about a day but an entire season!"

And who could blame Shaq-"the best teammate in the world," according to Carter-for shunning Bryant after Kobe inexplicably told Colorado police that O'Neal had paid up to $1 million to discreetly remedy situations like the one Kobe found himself in during the summer of 2003. "That's outlandish," says Carter. "And why he said it, I have no idea." Greg Anthony adds: "That's something you don't ever do. You never discuss someone else's personal business with anybody. That's an unwritten rule that he broke, and there's a price to pay when you do something like that."


4. Curt Schilling
"Between the white lines, it's all real," says one reporter who has covered Schilling. "But outside the white lines, there's a huge gap between the man and the image he projects." Take, for instance, Schilling's self-glorifying display during Congress's steroid hearings last March or his absurdly patriotic open letter to America on ESPN.com after 9/11, for which his teammates mocked him on a late-night bus ride with a chorus of "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy."

"They know what he's about," says the sportswriter. "I'd say a large percentage of them like him-every fifth day. He wears on people."

On days he doesn't pitch, Schilling is notorious for striking TV-ready poses on the dugout stairs. (His manager in Philadelphia, Jim Fregosi, dubbed him Red Light Curt.) "He's somebody who's always positioning himself in terms of what's best for Curt Schilling," says ESPN's Pedro Gomez, who described Schilling as "the consummate table for one." (Speaking of which, Schilling also has a reputation for sneaking into the clubhouse late in games to get a head start on the buffet.)

So avid is Schilling's longing for the spotlight that some of his peers raise doubts about his now legendary turn in the 2004 postseason, when he pitched on an ankle tendon that had been sutured in place. During Game 6, cameras cut repeatedly to the bright red stain on Schilling's sock. It was blood, right? "The Diamondbacks people think he definitely doctored that sock," says the sportswriter. The ex-teammate laughs: "All around baseball, people questioned that. It was funny how the stain didn't spread."


3. Kurt Busch
After Kurt Busch won the 2004 Nextel Cup Series, his sponsor, Newell Rubbermaid, considered dropping him as an endorser. Dropping the champ? "It's unprecedented," says Eric Pinkham, the company's motor-sports director. But, he adds, "there have been far greater champions in NASCAR, and we wish we'd had one."

Last November, after being pulled over outside Phoenix, Busch said to the officers on duty, "Aren't you supposed to be directing traffic somewhere?" When the officers asked Busch to perform a field sobriety test, he said, "I'm not doing this gay test!" and was summarily cuffed and arrested (though later released). "We weren't trying very hard to find out about anything, frankly," says a source for Roush Racing, Busch's former team. "But when we saw what the sheriff told the AP, we said, 'We gotta get into it.' Forget that he tried to spin it that he'd never had a drink. The whole police interaction, that whole level of flouting authority, is just so far out-of-bounds for the expected behavior of a NASCAR driver."

During a race last October, he goes on, Busch said of his team's owner over the radio, "Tell Jack Roush to stick his head up his ass." And according to the Roush source, "Busch relentlessly criticized his teammates over the radio. He'd call 'em out during the race and tell 'em they're going to be fired." At one point this spring, Busch's entire crew threatened to quit, until his crew chief, Jimmy Fenning, calmed them down. When everything went Busch's way on the track in 2004, the press began to think that maybe he'd grown up. "That was always our spin with him: He has matured," says our Roush source.

"But after winning the championship, at our team dinner, with wives and other guests present and the whole extravaganza being put on by NASCAR, his toast was 'To NASCAR-they can lick my salty balls!' Like I say, unrepentant."


2. Barry Bonds
At no time in recorded history have coaches and teammates spoken admiringly of Barry Bonds's interpersonal skills. Bonds himself concedes that at every level he's played, from high school to the pros, people have said he's had a bad attitude. His coach at Arizona State described him as "rude, inconsiderate, and self-centered," adding, "I never saw a teammate care about him." In 1989, beat writers dubbed Bonds, then a budding star in Pittsburgh, his team's "MDP"-most despised player.

"He has the world's biggest chip on his shoulder," says a reporter who's covered him. "He's got a screw loose. One day he'll be smiling and friendly. The next he'll be Asshole Barry." The fact that we know of only a handful of occasions on which Bonds has brawled with Giants teammates (e.g., Jeff Kent, 2002; Jason Christiansen, 2005), the reporter says, is a credit to the Giants' PR machine. "There have been hints that there have been more altercations and more problems behind closed doors." To what degree Bonds's alleged steroid use has affected his performance, not to mention his moods, is anybody's guess. Ours is that at the very least, he comes by the attitude naturally.


1. Terrell Owens
Congratulations, Terrell!
(If it's any consolation, we still love you.)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO MULCH, WE SALUTE YOU

LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET

I bought one of those canisters of parmesan cheese, and on the label it says "Refrigerate After Purchase". What if I had stolen it? Would it be fresh forever? That's what I'm going to have to do next time.

Tropicana is selling a new orange juice product that claims to have "Less than 50% of the sugar and calories of our regular orange juice!" Upon closer inspection, it contains 42% juice, whereas the other OJ is 100% juice. That's right, all they did was add enough water so there was less than 50% juice, and charge you the same amount! Brilliant!


UPN + WB = CV

The UPN and WB networks have failed in their plot to take over the world--heck, they didn't even threaten FOX--and have decided to join forces and call themselves "CV". Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CRAP VISION!


WHEREFORE ART THOU, JOHN COUGAR?

First, this Indiana boy penned the most overplayed crap song in the history of the 80s, and quite possibly of all recorded musical history, a little diddy named "Jack & Diane". Then he changed his name to "Mellencamp", for some stupid reason, even though Cougar is one of the coolest rock names ever. Now this: he's doing commercials for the NCAA Tournament on CBS, featuring the song "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A." with altered lyrics. Duke, Memphis, UConn? They were rockin'! Oh lord, make it stop.

Friday, January 20, 2006

IMPORTANT OLYMPIC UPDATE

This news just in: The Olympic Opening Ceremonies will have clowns!

I just had to mention that. I wasn't going to watch the opening ceremonies for the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy, but how can I skip it now in light of that stunning news??? Plus, with HDTV, it will seem like the clowns are IN THE ROOM WITH YOU. Oh the horror.

The mascots they chose for this are predictably hideous, sort of like bizarre marshmallow headed Gumbys on crack.

'Be afraid.  Be very afraid.'"Neve": she is a gentle, kind and elegant snowball; "Gliz": he is a lively, playful ice cube. They are the two symbolic characters of the XX Olympic Winter Games. They complement each other and personify the very essence of winter sports. The mascots were born from the pencil of Pedro Albuquerque, a 38-year old Portuguese designer who won the international competition launched by the Organising Committee for the Olympic Games in Turin (TOROC) on 25 March 2003. He was inspired by his passion for water and the incredible shapes this element takes on when it is transformed into snow or ice; by his research into the Italian spirit and the places hosting the Olympic Games; by the Olympic values; and by the technical characteristics of the various sporting disciplines of the Games. "Neve" and "Gliz" reflect the spirit of the Italian Olympic event: passion, enthusiasm, culture, elegance, and love of the environment and of sport. They are the symbol of a young generation that is full of life and energy.

Oh right, that explains it. Man, I wish I had a flamethrower right about now. They should have chosen Springy!

Springy!

Wait, what kind of name is "Pedro Albuquerque"? Any relation to "Ron Mexico"?

Anyway, I heard there was going to be a lot of hockey broadcast in HD, so I can forgive them for the other crap. First, a disclaimer:

NBC HD: The Torino Games will feature the most high definition coverage in Olympic television history. For the first time, Olympic HD viewers will see a simulcast of the analog broadcast - same time, same broadcasters, same graphics - but in High Definition and in 5.1 surround sound. Figure skating, hockey, long and short track speed skating, ski jumping, freestyle aerials and moguls, and the Opening and Closing Ceremonies will all be broadcast in 1080i high definition because those venues in Torino are wired for high definition coverage by the host broadcaster. From those venues where the host broadcaster is unable to provide a high definition signal, a 16:9 signal will be upconverted by NBC. Your local NBC affiliate's digital channel will carry the high definition simulcast of the network coverage.

UNIVERSAL HD: Since USA, MSNBC and CNBC, like most cable networks, do not have high definition platforms, Universal HD, NBC Universal's high definition cable network, will carry a live simulcast of much of the cable coverage, featuring Olympic hockey like it has never been seen before.


Uh huh, okay, sounds good--in theory. Of course, a lot of this will be on in the morning over here and most of the US will miss it. Here's the hockey info/schedule:

Group A: Canada, Czech Republic, Finland, Germany, Switzerland and Italy.
Group B: Sweden, Slovakia, USA, Russia, Latvia and Kazakhstan.


All times are local (for EST, subtract six hours).

Wednesday, Feb. 15
Kazakhstan vs. Sweden, 11:30 a.m.
Italy vs. Canada, 1 p.m.
Switzerland vs. Finland, 3:30 p.m.
Germany vs. Czech Republic, 5 p.m.
Russia vs. Slovakia, 8 p.m.
Latvia vs. United States, 9 p.m.
Thursday, Feb. 16
Finland vs. Italy, Noon
Switzerland vs. Czech Republic, 1 p.m.
Sweden vs. Russia, 4 p.m.
Slovakia vs. Latvia, 5 p.m.
Canada vs. Germany, 8 p.m.
United States vs. Kazakhstan, 9 p.m.
Saturday, Feb. 18
Kazakhstan vs. Russia, 11:30 a.m.
Italy vs. Germany, 1 p.m.
Canada vs. Switzerland, 3:30 p.m.
Sweden vs. Latvia, 5 p.m.
Slovakia vs. United States, 8 p.m.
Czech Republic vs. Finland, 9 p.m.
Sunday, Feb. 19
Germany vs. Switzerland, Noon
Russia vs. Latvia, 1 p.m.
Slovakia vs. Kazakhstan, 4 p.m.
United States vs. Sweden, 5 p.m.
Czech Republic vs. Italy, 8 p.m.
Finland vs. Canada, 9 p.m.
Tuesday, Feb. 21
Latvia vs. Kazakhstan, 11:30 a.m.
Switzerland vs. Italy, 12:30 p.m.
Finland vs. Germany, 3:30 p.m.
Canada vs. Czech Republic, 4:30 p.m.
Sweden vs. Slovakia, 8 p.m.
United States vs. Russia, 8:30 p.m.
Wednesday, Feb. 22
Quarterfinal (A1-B4), 4:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (A2-B3), 5:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (B1-A4), 8:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (B2-A3), 9:30 p.m.
**order of quarterfinal games is subject to change
Friday, Feb. 24
Semifinal, 4:30 p.m.
(winner A1-B4 vs. winner B2-A3)
Semifinal, 9 p.m.
(winner B1-A4 vs. winner A2-B3)
**order of semifinal games is subject to change
Saturday, Feb. 25
Bronze Medal Game, 8:30 p.m.
Sunday, Feb. 26
Gold Medal Game, 2 p.m.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

HIGH JEFFINITION IS FINALLY HERE

Well, a mere 11 months and 6 days since this whole thing was started, HighJeffinition is finally here! As you may or may not know, I bought the Sharp 32" widescreen LCD TV on January 7th, and although DVDs look great on it, I have been patiently waiting for some sort of HD broadcast signal to really test it out.

The bottom line: it was worth the wait.

I got the C*vision HD box yesterday, and watched a few shows in HD last night, and it looked fantastic. It's a whole different world, especially when you compare it to the SD analog channels (2-99), which look positively horrible by comparison (note: they shouldn't be allowed to call it "digital cable" since less than half of the channels are actually digital). What I didn't expect is that some shows were actually FUNNIER in HD as well, like "The Office" and "My Name Is Earl". Heck, even Jay Leno was funny last night--wait, that's crazy talk, it was probably because Albert "Hank Scorpio" Brooks was on. (The clear picture only makes you realize how garishly ugly the "Tonight Show" set is, though.)

I can't give you a "full" review because the idiots at C*vision only gave me access to the local HD channels for some reason, and none of the "digital cable" channels or the HD sports channels (the latter will be the true test, especially watching hockey in widescreen splendor). At least this weekend there are a couple of football games on local TV, and hopefully this will get this worked out in time for "The Sopranos" and the Olympics in HD, coming soon to a home theater near me.

So it looks like I'm going to host a party on Xtra-Large Game Sunday (name changed so I don't get sued), on Jeffuary 5th, 2006!!! This time, my TV will NOT have a knob.

It's an entirely different kind of watching, altogether.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

ME & MY NEPHEW

Me & My Nephew
Uncle Jeff & Brandon (5 days old).

Sunday, January 15, 2006

REMOVING YOU FROM YOUR MONEY FOR OVER 96 YEARS!

P.C. Richard & Son, a NYC based appliance/electronics/computer store, claims to be serving the area "Since 1909". What the hell were they selling in 1909? I think that when they opened their doors 96 years ago, we would have to rule out most major appliances, computers, and much of what currently runs on electricity. I was envisioning a typical sale at the store in the early years:

"So Jeremiah, this two-way telegraph appears to be of superior construct, I shall purchase it. But whatever shall I do if it craps out in a mere six months time?"

"Silas, your concern is most credible. For a mere pittance of not more than 50% of the retail price, we can augment the warantee until after the harvest, if it pleases you."

"A capital idea, this 'extended warantee' of which you speak. Apply said charge to my order, for nothing can be lost with such insurance! When are those new kinetophones due to arrive?"

"Sadly, Edison has suspended work on them. However, might I interest you in something the General Electric Corporation has named an 'infrared radiation electric toasting machine', which heats and browns slices of bread in a most appealing way to compliment one's morning tea."

"Outstanding! Prithee, do you carry such a machine in blue, to match my drapes?"

Friday, January 13, 2006

WIE MADE THE CUT?


by Rob Vertullo

Rich Beem talking to Sean O’Hair:

“Did Wei make the cut?”

“No, but we made the cut.”

“Yes or no?”

“What?”

“Did Wei make the cut?”

“Yes we made the cut, but Wei didn’t make the cut.”

“Is Wei playing this weekend?”

“ARE we playing this weekend?”

“That’s what I’m asking!”

“You’re asking what?”

“If Wei is playing this weekend.”

“If we ARE playing this weekend.”

(well, you see where I’m going with this)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

#4

Jagr Mastered
"When he goes into the Hockey Hall of Fame,
it should read, 'The toughest guy who ever
played the game.'"
-Devils forward John Madden.

The Rangers/MSG Network has been doing this "11 Days of Messier" thing, leading up to the retiring of the Captain's New York Rangers #11 jersey on January 12, 2006. This got me thinking, what would it take to get a "4 Days of Stevens" for retired New Jersey Devils defenseman Scott Stevens? Well, they must have read this blog, because the New Jersey Devils are retiring his #4 on February 3, 2006 (although I hadn't posted this yet, so what the hell?) On teams that stressed physical play and lacked any true superstars, Captain Scott Stevens meant that meant more to the Devils than Messier meant to the Rangers. I know what you're saying, but hear me out. Obviously, they can't be compared from a scoring standpoint, since one was mostly a center and the other a defenseman, but let's look at what each did for his team while on the ice (the plus/minus ratings). Allow me to break it down.

* Before joining the Rangers, in 12 years with the Edmonton Oilers, Messier won 5 Stanley Cups (one without the Great One) in 12 playoff years, with a +59 rating in the postseason. During his 10 years with New York Rangers, he won 1 Cup and went to the playoffs 5 times, with a -9 postseason rating.

* Before joining the Devils, in 8 years with the Washington Capitals, Stevens did not win a Cup in 8 playoff years, with a -2 postseason rating. During his 13 years with the Devils, he won 3 Cups in 11 playoff years, with a +33 postseason rating.

* Overall, Messier was +210 for his career, while Stevens was a +377.

* They have each won a Conn Smythe Award.

* Messier once verbally guaranteed a win in the playoffs vs. the Devils. Stevens silently guaranteed a Devils playoff series victory by knocking Eric Lindros out and ending his season, and subsequently his career with the Flyers.

Stevens was here

* Stevens won the Alka-Seltzer Plus award in 1994. Messier never won this coveted award (although he won the Hart Trophy in 1990 and 1992).

* Messier had a coach named Stevens, and Stevens had a coach named Messier.

Okay, not sure about that last one, but you get the idea. All I'm saying here is that the Rangers were a talented team that would have probably ended their 54 year long Cup drought without Messier. Conversely, the Devils would not have won 3 Cups without Stevens, with his unparalled physical defensive style and space-time-continuum-damaging hitting prowess. Now on February 3rd, we get to give this quintessential Devil his due, as they lift his retired number #4 to the rafters of the Meadowlands Arena, the House that Stevens Built.
The Captain & The Cup

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

KICKING OFF AUGHT SIX!

It's finally here, the biggest day for the BCS, and I'm not talking about the British Cardiac Society! It's the NCAA Division I-A Men's Football Bowl Championship Series National Championship at the Rose Bowl, an epic matchup featuring two explosive undefeated teams, USC vs. Texas . . . and I can't stay up to watch it because it's on a Wednesday! The whole BCS bowl thing is an abortion. The NCAA plays every single one of their regular season football games on Saturday, yet the bowl games are all over the freaking map. And they drag these stupid games out, so it will probably end at infinity in the morning.

In simpler times, all of the bowl games were shown on January 1st, which would have worked out perfectly for me (and others who had the 2nd off), since I wasn't really doing anything besides fighting off a hangover. But this year we had two BCS bowls (Cotton, Fiesta) on January 2nd, the Orange Bowl last night, and now the Rose Bowl. Seriously, by the time I get to the end of the bowl season (which started around Halloween), I'm exhausted. And at the end of all this nonsense, there's no guarantee that we'll declare a unanimous champion! That's right, it's just as pathetic as boxing, only it's a sport people actually still care about. All they'd need is one more game, a final pitting the #1 vs. #4 and #2 vs. #3 winners, and it would be solved (instead, they're adding a fifth bowl for the lesser teams, which is pointless and doesn't solve the problem). But we're stuck with this, since the current system is prolonged by those fatcats who want to keep raking in their Bowl bucks, thus killing any chance of there being a clear cut winner in the final game every year. And furthermore, why does every freaking game need a halftime concert? Just go take a piss, get another beer, and sit back down because they're kicking off!!!

Anyway, I can't be more excited to get a good night's sleep and find out the score tomorrow.
_______________________________________________________
I'll say it again: God Bless The Onion.
Plans to Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results
_______________________________________________________
Circuit City is proud to announce their "Inventory Blowout!" So wouldn't you think that would mean "lower prices"? Well, guess again, smart shopper! Because the LCD TV that I've been planning on purchasing actually INCREASED in price since Jan. 1st. So I guess it just means, "We're getting rid of our inventory, whether or not we actually sell anything!"
_______________________________________________________

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

All Is Quiet [on new years eve]


Yeah, ok, the title sucks, whatever.

Anyway, since Vertullo didn't post this, nor did Jeff, I decided to pick up the slack.

Guys, this is kind of a flat photo; it doesn't do justice to all the naked chicks that were just on our laps - too bad the bartender didn't get them in the photo. Oh well, Mr. Guinness made multiple appearances, that's the most important part.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

CONFUSING ADVERTISING SLOGANS EXPLAINED!

The new Budweiser ad campaign states, "This is Budwesier, this is beer". I believe this might be a bit confusing, making one think there is missing punctuation, as in "This is Beer?" Allow me to illustrate the meaning of this slogan to you, with the help of a couple of pictures:

This is Budweiser:
Budweiser
This is Beer:
Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout
Any questions? Now, don't EVER confuse the two. Thanks.

Friday, December 16, 2005

IT'S WET AND IT'S DRY! MY MY MY MY!

Sorry, that was just a tribute to Bruce Willis and his Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercials, which remain his finest work. I got flooded out the other day, so I didn't get a chance to really blog anything lately. Allow me to explain.

I was sitting at my computer on Tuesday December 13th, feeling jolly and all ready to print out my Xmas card list, when I put my foot down and a puddle of water pooled up underneath it. I had no idea what the hell was happening, and I sat there and pondered my next move. I immediately shut off the computer and unplugged every electrical item in the room, figuring that being electricuted while downloading an episode of "My Name Is Earl" would be a horrible way to go.

It turns out that the flood was caused by a water heater leak. I slept in my bedroom after 24 hours, even though there was still a dehumidifier and fan sucking and blowing me all night, respectively. It was so dry in there, I was chapped in places I once thought unchappable. But it lead me to realize that I need to buy my own place, so I can take care of this nightmarish stuff myself!
_______________________________________________
I overheard this on an American Express card radio spot: "All small businesses have one thing in common: they need stuff." Well, that dumbed-down statement is really hard to argue, but it's also incredibly vague, and hardly an exclusive concern of small business owners. In fact, I can think of plenty of other parties who "need things":

teachers
fire
auto mechanics
grizzly bears
windmills
flowers
fudge manufacturers
accountants
pedophiles
space shuttles
fruitbats
orangutans
animatronic talking Santas
wind
toilet brushes
grapes
bladders
screwdrivers
politicians
bar patrons
_______________________________________________
RANDOM QUOTES

"How can I say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia?" - James Lipton (as Warden Gentiles) on "Arrested Development"

(For the last time, I just thought I'd mention that it's a shame that FOX is giving up on this show, once of the smartest comedies to come around in a long time. Which means it has no place on regular TV, along with the likes of "Extreme Baby Swap: Nursery Edition", and Chad Johnson's new reality show. That's right, the annoying Cincinnati Bengales wide receiver wants his own show. During an interview he pitched the idea, and this quote was attributed to him: "I'm going to travel to all 51 states to see who can stop 85." Beautiful. I also hear Al Sharpton wants his own sitcom. Well, congratulations America, you deserve to watch that moronic garbage versus something like "Arrested Development", a show with more inspired slapstick, wit and humor than all the other crap network shows combined.)

"Remember: every time you say 'Happy Holidays' [instead of 'Merry Christmas'], an angel gets AIDS." - Steven Colbert "The Colbert Report"
_______________________________________________
If Darryl Dawkins can have the nickname "Chocolate Thunder", and Jason Williams "White Chocolate", I've decided while eating my favorite winter time Oreo cookie that I would like to be nicknamed "White Fudge". Thank you.

Friday, December 9, 2005

GIVE THE GIFT OF AHH-NOLD

AHHNOLD!
I just found the perfect gift. It's the Total Body Workout by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Yes, the Governor of California barks out workout orders over songs like "It's Raining Men" and "Don't Stop Believin'"! Hurry if you want to get this in time for Xmas!

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFANCY


Just wanted to mention . . . this morning at 6:44 a.m., my nephew Brandon Michael Franklin was (finally) born! He was 10 lbs. 1 oz (yikes! Yes, that's bigger than even I was when I was born), and 22 inches long. This was a note from my dad: "He has a head like a casaba (true Kammann) and hands like Jeremy Shockey. Yeah, I definitely see him playing the O-line (note to self: buy a tiny pair of hockey skates). Of course, the note from my mom is more conventional: "He is just beautiful." Anyway, mom and baby are doing fine.

Saturday, December 3, 2005

THE IRISH WONDER


Sports Guy had some good comments about the Giants/Seahawks fiasco last Sunday, where Jay Feely missed 3 game-winning FGs. Amazingly, there was someone with worse luck, and his name was Neil O'Donoghue.

SG: You know what was crazy about that game? I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, that was one for the ages -- the first-ever Triple Stomach Punch Game. We will never see anything like that again." Then I'm watching "SportsCenter" that night and they show a graphic about how Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue missed three overtime kicks in an eventual Monday night tie against the Giants in 1983 (including a 19-yarder). Astounding, right? So I immediately went online to research this O'Donoghue game, stumbling across another O'Donoghue disaster in Tampa Bay where he had four kicks blocked by the Vikings in a 1979 game, including a last-second PAT attempt that would have sent the game into overtime.

Now I was intrigued. I started googling phrases like "Neil O'Donahue horrible," "Neil O'Donahue missed" and "Neil O'Donahue blocked." And games kept popping up, In 1984, he blew a game to the Packers with a missed PAT and a 45-yard field goal that was short. On the last game of the '84 season, needing a win against Washington to make the playoffs, O'Donoghue missed the game-winning field goal as time expired. Playing for Tampa Bay in 1978, someone snapped the ball over his holder's head, followed by O'Donoghue trying to kick the ball out of bounds and whiffing on it -- leading to an 80-yard return by the Vikes and Bucs coach John McKay to derisively call him "The Irish Wonder." Turns out he played nine seasons for three teams and went 112-189 on field goals, which means he averaged 12-for-21 every year for nine years. If this guy doesn't warrant his own "SportsCentury" episode, I don't know who does.



Here's some of the "highlights" of the Irish Wonder's career:

Career Stats

Profile: Kicked the NFC Central Division title winning field goal in 1979 but was replaced by veteran Garo Yepremian the following season. A native of Ireland by birth, he kicked for the Cardinals for several seasons after that. Kicked two seasons for Auburn and was a 5th round pick of the Bills in 1977. Played five games with Buffalo before being cut and had immigration problems in 1978 that nearly saw him deported back to Ireland before being able to sign for the Buccaneers. Played soccer for Shamrock Rovers and also rugby and hurling to a high standard before crossing the Atlantic.

Sept. 17, 1978: The first NFC Central win in franchise history was not without a Bucs blooper. Tampa Bay led 16-7 with about 5 minutes left and lined up for a game-clinching field goal, but Charlie Hannah snapped the ball 10 feet over holder Dave Green's head. The ball was bouncing around near midfield when kicker Neil O'Donoghue tried to boot it out of bounds, prompting coach John McKay to call him "the Irish wonder." He whiffed and Fred McNeill picked up the ball and headed for a Vikings touchdown. He was tackled at the 10 by O'Donoghue. Tampa Bay lost 80 yards on the play, but the defense held Minnesota to a field goal, and the Bucs won 17-10.

Oct. 24, 1983: In one of the worst ``Monday Night Football'' games in history, Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue misses three field-goal attempts in overtime -- including a chip shot from 19 yards -- in a 20-20 tie with the New York Giants.

Sept. 2, 1984: In Forrest Gregg's coaching debut for Green Bay, the Packers won at home, but more by default than anything. They were outgained, 417 yards to 266, and escaped with a 24-23 victory only because St. Louis Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue missed an extra point in the third quarter and left a 45-yard field goal attempt short with 2 minutes 10 seconds remaining in the game. "We lost the football game," Neil Lomax, the St. Louis quarterback, said in the locker room. "I don't think they won it."

Dec. 16, 1984: With one week to play, Washington led the NFC East at 10-5. Breathing down their backs were the Giants, Cardinals, and Cowboys, all tied at 9-6. Thus, with the division-title at stake, the Redskins hosted the rematch versus St. Louis. The Cards had taken the first contest, a tightly fought 26-24 decision, earlier in the season. Thus a win at RFK Stadium would have given St. Louis the season-sweep and hence the tie-breaker advantage and the NFC East title (the team would also have held tie-breaker advantage over New York and Dallas). A loss would mean elimination.

This battle would be prove to be just as competitive as the earlier meeting, but the situation would be reversed. This time it was Washington who held the slim 2-point lead, 29-27, late in the fourth period. Amid the swirling December winds, the Cardinals frantically tried to put together one final drive. Then, as the final seconds were ticking away, St. Louis managed to creep into field goal range. Unable to stop the clock, the kicking unit was raced onto the field. Kicker Neil O'Donoghue had earlier tied the team record for most points in a season with 117, but on this final, hurried attempt, luck would side with Washington. The kick sailed wide as time expired.

PICTURE


I had been meaning to post this photo for everyone's benefit. This is from the Kris & Julie (not pictured) Cornfield Hall Extravaganza back in October. Thanks again for inviting us all, we had a great time!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

FINAL SOLUTION JEOPARDY!

I was at the gym on the treadmill watching "Jeopardy!" and the category for Final Jeopardy was "In The Encylopedia Britannica". The question was "This final biography entry is of a Russian man who worked on this important invention" or something to that effect. Well, I was thinking it must start with "Z", and for some reason the only thing that came to mind was "ZYKLON-B". So when the music stopped and the contestants stopped writing their answers, Alex Trebek said, "My children are really happy that he came up with this invention!" When I heard this, I started laughing and realized that either my answer was way off, or Trebek was a filthy Nazi! The first contestant had no response, and shockingly, the second guy came up with the same answer as me, "ZYKLON-B". If Trebek had said, "Yes, that's correct!", I would have fallen off the fucking treadmill! It was only when the third contestant's correct response, "What is the television?", that I realized they were talking about Vladimir Zworykin, an early pioneer of television technology. Wow, I was literally laughing out loud (LLOL), and I'm 100% sure no one else knew why.

SHORT SHORTS!

* It's awesome, ba--*cough* *choke*. It's not even December yet, how has Dick Vitale blown out his larynx already? Anyway, the NCAA basketball season is already shaping up to be great, with several tournaments already producing great games (Coaches vs. Cancer, Maui Classic, Preseason NIT, etc). Tune into some of the Big 10 vs. ACC showdown games (like #1 Duke vs. #16 Indiana) and you'll see what I mean. It might level out a little until the conference games start in earnest in '06, but so far, so good. I know I'll be tuning into ESPN @ 5 PM Saturday to see #4 Villanova hosting #5 Oklahoma.

Note: the "Coaches vs. Cancer Classic" is not to be confused with the Eagles' Andy Reid and Terrell Owens, who were in the "Coaches vs. Team Cancer Classic".

* Why do they call some offensive linemen "tackles" when they never tackle anyone?

* When Barbara Walters was asked who cried during her interviews this year, she admitted that the mother of missing-presumed-dead-in-Aruba-Natalee-Holloway cried when talking about her daughter. She added that those tears are what keeps her alive, as she bottles them during her inteviews and uses them as a "magic elixir", to keep her going for another year of awkward celebrity interviews. Also, celebrity tears are great at getting out wine stains. Good to know.

* The Cool Google Maps blog, surprisingly, is filled with cool Google maps.

* Annoying ESPN commentator and former Dallas Cowboys WR Michael Irvin got pulled over for speeding on Sunday night, and a crack pipe was found in his car, which he claimed was not his. He was at work at ESPN the next day. I have a feeling, if I had the same list of priors, I would have been treated differently . . .

* Did you see the through-the-legs Malik goal, which gave the Rangers a shootout win in the 15th round on Saturday night? I'm still looking for a video link to it, but trust me, it was sick (which means "great", apparently, although I don't endorse getting sick).

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'll keep this short and simple. Until they get rid of video review, I am finished with the NFL. Thank you and good night.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

FROZEN TURKEY


We (me) here at the Open Hockey blog try to come up with original comedy, and sometimes it's hard. I usually attack easy targets like dumb athletes and bad marketing practices, which is by nature always negative. But I notice that most blogs/websites nowadays just link to other sites that they like, which is lame and totally unoriginal. As entertaining as sites like Deadspin and YAYfootball! are, they pretty much only exist to link to other sites. So dammit, I'm all for following trends especially if they're based on complete laziness, so I'm going to have to start doing that more!
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Even though my calendar says fall, it's a damn filthy liar! Because the last time I checked, it seems like winter is here already. Yes, it's that magic time of year when your lips crack, peel and fall off completely, and the wind hits your eye like a big frozen pie, as bitter Alberta clippers rudely cross the northern border without provocation or invitation, like Jim Carrey or Alanis Morrisette. It's currently below freezing here in the Northeast, and a rain/snow mix is predicted for tonight and tomorrow, but it could be worse: you could be manning the Mount Washington Observatory. This permanently manned weather station in New Hampshire is home of some of the most extreme weather ever recorded, including the current world record wind gust of 231 (April 1934). Yes, you read that right. Last year they had a wind chill recording of -324789 or something. Great pictures, great journal, great site.
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I heard people were lining up around the block to buy something called an "Icebox 360". What is this? I've got a refrigerator at home, and I don't have to keep buying blocks of ice to keep my perishables cold, I just plug it in and it does all the work for me! What's the big deal? It seems there's always some stupid hot Xmas gift, whether it's a Cabbage Patch kid or a crossbow, that everyone just has to buy regardless of how practical it is.

Oh, I was just informed that it's the "XBOX 360" that everyone is apeshit over. My mistake. Well, I'm just going to stick to my Playstation Tecmo Super Bowl, thanks.
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I warned you about November March Madness. But did you people listen, and get your booster shot? Of course you didn't, you never listen to me!! Well, the madness hit one of the Hawaiian islands hard last night in the guise of a triple overtime thriller with Gonzaga outlasting Michigan State, 109-106. You have to love the Maui Classic, which looks like it's played in a high school gym, must be a great atmosphere. And if you don't like it, you can go outside and you're in FREAKING HAWAII. Anyway, I tuned in with about 10 minutes left in regulation, but unfortunately I got sidetracked by online holiday shopping and missed the ending. Damn you, Jebus!!!

I always enjoy a good Syracuse upset, this time it was a loss at the hands of Bucknell, in the Carrier Dome no less. Last year's tournament was filled with unbelieveable underdogs and classic moments (including the phantom "traveling" call against Villanova to allow NC to advance and eventually win it all), and hopefully this is a sign of things to come this NCAA season. Oh, the sheer madness of it all.
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The way the media is reporting Oprah's long-awaited December 1 appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman", you'd think the planet was going to stop spinning. Although it would be great if Dave exposed her for the fraud that she is, and ridiculed for telling America's spineless female population what to do, how to think, and which books to read, I'm sure it will start off with some good natured ribbing and finish off with some good ol' show biz ass-kissing. I'm hoping that they'll use her for a segment of "Will It Float?" or maybe throw her off a three story building while Crispin Glover kicks her . . . but it doesn't look like that's in the cards.
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People always type "LOL", in IMs or in emails, but are they really laughing out loud? I infrequently chortle audibly, unless there's a particularly humourous Stewie Griffin comment on "The Family Guy", or a wacky cat does something crazy on the newest runaway hit show on Animal Planet, "America's Stupidest Animals". So I rarely if ever type "LOL", but it just wouldn't be honest. But for clarity, I decree that everyone must use the acronym "LLOL", for "literally laughing out loud", when one truly experiences an outburst of intelligible guffawing. It's the right thing to do.
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Lastings Milledge. Lastings Milledge. If I hear one more freaking New York Mets fan saying that they'd better not trade minor league prospect Lastings Milledge to get anyone worthwhile, I'm going to vomit. They're talking like this guy is a no-brainer-All-Star-All-World-Hall-of-Famer, the next Darryl Strawberry (minus the rampant drug abuse). Look, you're not a scout. You never saw him play. You don't know if he can even play in the majors (all you did was read his A ball stats in Baseball Weekly once). You sit in the upper deck, yet still scream at the umps assuming they have superhuman hearing. So shut up already and just enjoy your overpaid and overhyped lineup of Pedro, Beltran, Delgado (who they're apparently trading young first baseman Mike Jacobs to get-ugh), Molina, Banderas and whatever other Latino players will make Manny want to sign up. As long as all this gives Omar Manaya a warm tropical fuzzy feeling inside, I'm happy for him. Whatever. I'm through watching this bunch of perennial pretenders, and I'm just watching golf next summer.

Speaking of, famous Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld was on WFAN with Steve Somers yesterday, making for some very funny sports-related comedy. "Yankees fans are usually well-dressed, confident, always concerned about winning. Mets fans, they have trouble tucking the shirt into the pants. Have you seen Mets fans? They're not a good looking bunch. There's always a mustard stain somewhere."
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If I could be a store, I would be Bath and Body Works. Chicks would love me, and I would always smell great.
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I was in the mall yesterday, the calm before the shopping storm so to speak, so please allow me to (re)state the obvious: Christmas is a crazy freaking holiday. The merchandising money alone that Jesus must make, that could bring anyone back from the dead! But other holidays at this time of year seem to get swept under the rug. Yes, there are a few dusty Hanukkah trinkets around, but they're severly overshadowed. For instance, you never see a Kwanzaa mug, or a "Baby's First Ramadan" bib. Maybe they have them, but they're obscured by the sheer tonnage of Xmas crap that gets dumped into the mall.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

BEATALLICA

A GARAGE DAYZ NITE

Whatever happened to the Slappin' Mammys, who did heavy metal covers of Al Jolson songs? Sadly, no one knows. Oh well, there's always Beatallica, who are kind of a cross between Spinal Tap and The Rutles. The guy actually sounds like Hetfield, it's hilarious. I especially like Everybody's Got A Ticket To Ride Except For Me And My Lightning, but it's hard to choose just one, so try out A Garage Dayz Nite too. A friend of mine noted that they missed an opportunity to call themselves "The Meatles", but that's another story. They're playing in NYC on December 2rd, or you could just get them for free on the website.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

THIS IS THE REASON WHY GUYS WANT TO BE QBs


Eli Manning. Drunk and hanging on some blonde chick. Hilarious.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

FAKIN' IT

THE FAKE GM

ESPN "SportsCenter" has been doing "fake" press conferences this week, with former Mets GM Steve Phillips answering questions as if he was the GM for several MLB teams (the Yankees, the Cubs, Red Sox, etc.). (Of course, the Red Sox job is open, but I doubt Steve is going to be let near a major league team any time soon, and this fake shit can't look good on his resume.) Not only that, but they made ACTUAL SPORTS REPORTERS, Buster Olney and Jeremy Schaap, ask questions! Holy craap. Who thought this was a good idea? I guess ESPN's thinking is, if you can't get any ACTUAL sports news, why not just make shit up? I don't understand what's happened to SportsCenter, and the whole of ESPN for that matter, but it's turned into a complete pile of garbage. Between the endless pregame shows, poker tourneys, and "analysis" featuring assholes (Michael Irvin) blindly defending other assholes (Terrell Owens), I can't stomach it anymore. Three words to ESPN: JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS!
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Speaking of fake, NBC showed a special Sunday episode of their political drama "The West Wing", fake debate featuring their two presidental candidates, played by Alan Alda and Jimmy Smits. It aired live and was even hosted by an actual NBC newsman, Forrest Sawyer. I don't know how the ratings were, but no doubt it had more viewers than a real debate would. However, this is the most disturbing thing I've heard about it: "By 2-to-1, Sunday's viewers told [polling company] Zogby that they preferred watching a fictional presidential debate to the real thing." (from CNN.com). Holy crap, this country is getting stupider by the day.
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So let's talk about the real ELECTION DAY, when we, the people, get to speak out and be heard! Sort of. Not only did Californians vote down some major reforms by the Schwarzenegger administration (now, say those last two words out loud: it's fucked up, right?), but Mayor Bloomberg won the NYC re-election in a landslide, which I guess is, uhm, not totally unreasonable. But my favorite topic by far is the teaching of science in our schools, primarily, the theory of evolution. For every one of these stories:

Pennsylvania voters oust school board (11.09.2005): Voters came down hard Tuesday on school board members who backed a statement on intelligent design being read in biology class, ousting eight Republicans and replacing them with Democrats who want the concept stripped from the science curriculum.

. . . there is, unfortunately, one of these:

Kansas school board redefines science (11.08.2005): At the risk of re-igniting the same heated nationwide debate it sparked six years ago, the Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.

I can't believe these two diametrically opposed curricula are being taught simultaneously in the SAME COUNTRY. It's beyond crazy. I think I'd rather live in the fake country run by Jimmy Smits.
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TOP CATS

Speaking of fake breasts (okay, not the best segue, I admit), two Panthers cheerleaders were arrested this weekend for causing a disturbance at a bar after allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall. Beer, football, lesbian cheerleaders--what else is there? I have to go. I can't even concentrate on typing this blog anymore.

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ROCK N' ROLL STINGER
McCartney to beam concert into space

And let's hope it stays there!

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

GRAND OL' FUNK


Homer Simpson once described Grand Funk Railroad as: "Mark Farner's wild, shirtless lyrics, the bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher, the competent drumming of Don Brewer!" Well, you didn't have to consult your local library to find out more about them, because believe it or not, they were playing live in Bergen County, New Jersey this week! Although, they turned down the volume, so I doubt too many bongs were rattled.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

BLOG SIMULATED

What is the point of commercials for TVs that try to show you their incredible picture quality? Don't they realize that if I'm watching it on a crappy TV, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE CRAP?!? I can understand if they're pointing out some new feature (like the Philips Ambilight), or advertising that they've dropped the price. Not only that, they're lying to us anyway, since there's always a disclaimer that says "picture simulated". So what the hell is the point? The irony is that the only person who could possibly appreciate the great ("simulated") picture is someone who doesn't need even it, and already owns a high quality TV.
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Just to remind you what a bottomless pit of nothingness current TV programming is, William Shatner has won 2 Emmys. That's right: in the final analysis of all the actors in the business, they couldn't find anyone who could possibly top ol' Bill. Twice.
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Idea for a USC football T-shirt: if you want BUSH you need the TROJANS.

(Soon-to-be-Heisman-winner Reggie Bush, that is. Get it???)

I'm sure there's a USC student silkscreening these in the basement of a frat house right now.
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The Houston Astros, in losing to the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series, were the first World Series team since the 1954 Yankees without a black player on their roster. Since blacks now only represent 9% of all current baseball players, that's not an unbelieveable occurance, but it's still puzzling. Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 explains the reason:

[My friend] noticed something during the ALCS: The Astros don't have a single African-American player on their playoff roster. Not a one. The lesson, as always: Roger Clemens hates blacks. (I'm just kidding. He doesn't hate blacks. Just looked funny in print.) But that is pretty strange. All white guys and Latin players? I'm dying for Buck to read a graphic like, "Time for today's Old Spice Fact of the Day: The last team to win a World Series without any African-American players was the 1949 New York Yankees."

As you know, the underachieving collection of all-stars known as the 2005 New York Yankees not only lost to the Angels in the ALDS, but also somehow managed to lose 11 of 19 games to the woeful 67-95 Tampa Bay Devil Rays during the regular season. All I have to say about that is: if you don't take out the garbage, you can't complain about the stink.
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Alexei Zhitnik signed with the New York Islanders this season after 10 years with the Buffalo Sabres. Although he initially said the team was "on the top of his list" (don't they all say that, once the check clears?), he later said one of the main reasons for signing with another NY team is that he "wouldn't have to change his license" (according to Islanders Radio). That's right, he turned down potentially better offers with other hockey teams just so he wouldn't have to put up with the hassle of going to DMV! I think Mr. Bookless would agree with him, after having to make several frustrating trips to the Connecticut DMV, and the Social Security office, just to prove that "TOM BOOKLESS" and "THOMAS BOOKLESS" were the same person. Kris Salo had an easier time getting a CT license (using Tom's address) . . . and he lives in freaking FRANCE! Bureaucracy at its finest.
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Apparently, one of Viagra's new slogans is "Play hard" (or maybe this is only for those who visit the ESPN website). Oh, that's funny, because it has a double meaning! Ha ha! Sweet lord, can we put an end these dick drug ads (for any pharmaceutical product for that matter), once and for all?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

A Good Start

I read this little gem on slate yesterday:

"Yet twice in the last few weeks the Supreme Court has considered whether to hear Hamdan this winter or spring, and twice the justices have declined to say they will do so. Tomorrow, they may discuss the case for a third time. Four-hundred-and-fifty law professors issued a statement on Wednesday urging it to grant review."

450 law professors were in the same room? Damn! Where is a fucking terrorist when you need one?! Hey! Guys! Over there! Strap some C-4 to your ass and get in!

Opening Soon
John Maloney is running for re-election to our town council, and to show he's serious, he's outside the supermarket handing out jar openers that say "he's got a grip on the issues" Get it? A grip . . . jar opener? Eh? Ughhh.

The jar opener says "100 and 1 Uses" on the package. Allow me to list them for you:

1. Jar Opener

umm . . . . . hold on I gotta get the phone . . . . . . . . .ok I'm back, uh where was I? Oh yeah, Jar Opener, did I mention that one already?

Gimme an M!
I hate politicians as a rule, but sometimes election season gives us some fine unintentional comedy. Like Barry Popik's website. Barry is running for Manhattan Borough President, an office HIS OWN website describes as: "largely cheerleaders with press-release machines" Way to aim high Barry! If I'm going to elect a cheerleader for Manhattan it's going to be a blond chick with a nice rack. Then there is this nugget describing his views on important issues:

"We’ll ALL work for seniors. We’ll ALL work women. We’ll ALL work for lesbian and gay issues."

Hey Barry, I'm working the women as hard as I can, but you can't expect the gay men to help out there. Then this:

"Vote for me on November 8th you can find me on both the Republican/Liberal Party line."

A liberal and a republican? That means he will only send your 18 year old boy off to die in a war on illiteracy. See more of Barry's wisdom here.

Marvin's Brain - Bigger Than Pluto
A group of astronomers, (whose collective brainpower is dwarfed by Marvin's) have agreed that Pluto is not a planet. Not big enough, they have concluded. Wow, talk about a demotion. And what do the good people of Pluto now say when asked "What planet are you from?"

Well if that's the case, then I demand Plutonium be renamed "littlefrozenballofspaceshitonium".

Thursday, October 27, 2005

EL EXPLODO!

While we're on the cigar theme . . . they told me it was a CAMACHO, much to my surprise!
EL EXPLODO!

THE OTHER SOX

All I could think of while seeing the Chicago White Sox celebrate their World Series victory was that Jose Contreras must have got them some great Cuban cigars for the celebration.

Is that a Cuban?

Friday, October 21, 2005

It's Good to Be Married


At the very least it don't suck. Hey, would I be this happy if it really wasn't good?

I was pretty banged up at this party. I just kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking.

SPAMMERS HATE BUNNIES!

The ad below is for Yahoo! SpamGuard. I don't know what the picture has to do with software that helps block unwanted email solicitations. I imagine they were going for a subliminal message here. Whatever it is, I'm allergic to rabbits, so it didn't really work for me.
SPAMMERS HATE BUNNIES!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

MORTGAGE MONKEYS!

I can't imagine that there are people out there who would choose a mortgage lender solely because of this web ad:

MORTGAGE MONKEYS!

Hey, look! Monkeys! They're so funny, and they'd never steer me wrong when it comes to 30 year fixed rate loans!