Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'VE GOT YOUR PASSION RIGHT HERE!

"Out in the big top world, we all need the clowns to make us smile."
- Journey "Faithfully"


The 2006 Torino Olympics are over, and not a moment too soon--I'm all Olympicked out. Of course, the US media chose to focus on this country's negatives: Back-to-the-Bar-for-Bode's 0-for-5, our men's speedskaters bitching at each other, figure skaters falling all over the place, the hockey team failing to medal, our snowboarders not smoking as much as we'd hoped, biathlete Dick Cheney shooting another competitor in the face during the 4x5km race, hotdogging female snowboarders hotdogging in the one event where they shouldn't have been hotdogging.

However, as a self-proclaimed B-list blogger (I'm in training to become "A-list" whatever the fuck that means), I'm going to focus on the positives: the UNITED STATES WON THE MOST MEDALS! That's right! Yeah, I know what you're going to say, but the "official" medal tally is completely wrong. We all know that the only reason that East Germany and West Germany knocked down that wall and reunified was to crush everyone else in the Olympics, so I refuse to acknowledge this newfangled "Germany" of which people are speaking. If yo'reu buying what they're selling, all I can say is at least we beat Canada. You know, they're that country to the north of us that's perpetually frozen and snow covered; since they all cross country ski to work, they should be embarrassed that they didn't take home the most hardware.

The worst part of all of this whole Torino nonsense had to be the Closing Ceremonies, which I couldn't even bring myself to watch. Well, thank the Pope I skipped it, because I heard that there were scary clowns all over the goddamn thing. Garishly dressed clowns! Jolly candy-like clowns! Galvanting and pillaging in the streets of Torino! And some of the athletes even were forced, against their will, to wear red clown noses! Oh, the horror. This quote is all you need to know:

Throughout, bits of burlesque unfolded in the stadium’s entryways and aisles as a vagabond flower seller — a traditional carnival figure — was chased by an ever-growing squad of Swiss guards . . .

. . . who eventually shot him to death, to the delight of the spectators! Speaking of clowns, this guy apparently really enjoyed curling, as he stripped off his clothes and ran around during the Great Britain vs. USA match:

Thank god he didn't get one of those giant washer-shaped medals, lord only knows where he would have put it. A similar joker was also paid by the same website to run onto the stage and scream like a moron during the closing ceremonies. I don't know what he said, he might have been drinking with Bode earlier in the day. This is the level of security that $107 million (and counting) gets you?

Italy has finally handed this financial/logistical/security nightmare over to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, the host for the Winter Games in 2010, and I'm praying they choose Bob and Doug McKenzie as the official mascots. Hey, BC is relatively nearby (at least it's on the same continent), so someone please remind me to look into that. I didn't realize that Planet Hoth is bidding for the 2014 Games. Good stuff.

I just have a few closing comments about Olympic hockey. This came at a bad time for the NHL, as this two week competition interrupted a great comeback season. Not only that, but some players had to play 8 games in 13 days; that's too much hockey, and you risk getting some of them hurt for the rest of the NHL season (see Ohland, Jagr, Salo). Add to that fact that the Gold Medal winning Swedes may have been "partying a little too hard", and some of them might not make it back to their respective NHL teams in time for tonight's games. Honestly, who really cares if Detroit will be missing their 5 Swedes, or if Mats Sundin and his scary 11 goals doesn't return to the Maple Leaves (look it up, Canada, that's the right spelling)? Certainly not me, as long as Brodeur is well rested. In fact, you guys can keep Pat Quinn too, while you're at it. Shots of Absolut all around! Ikea Jerkers for everyone!

Personally, I think we should give this sport back to the youngsters. As it is now, the pros in the Olympics produced few great games or memorable moments, and the best roster of hockey talent on paper (Canada) was abominable. I think it would be much more exciting and enthralling if each country sent its best junior and college players. Of course, once the puck drops again for the remainder of the NHL season tonight, I'll probably forget all about this stuff for approximately 4 years.

Monday, February 27, 2006

SAVANNAH KATHERINE WAGNER

Congratulations to Karl and Shawna Wagner, who welcomed Savannah into the world on Jeffru--uhm, February 20, 2006 at 6:27 AM. She weighed 9 lbs 4 oz, and both mom and baby are doing well. Not sure about Karl, though.
Karl and Savannah

Sunday, February 26, 2006

PUT IT ON ICE

Congratulations to the Swedish hockey team, who beat the upstart Finnish team this morning in a well-played Battle-For-Scandinavia Gold Medal game, 3-2. This pretty much marks the end of the 2006 Torino Games, which I rather enjoyed. Of course, my hangover was the real winner this morning. So let's get these guys back to North America so we can resume the NHL hockey season, which has been good all year and should have an interesting finish.
I think we can all agree that the biathlon is the most psychotic sport in these winter games. These are true athletes, and have to be in phenomenal shape to ski uphill and downhill for kilometers, shoot at targets from prone and standing positions, ski penalty loops for missed shots--it's beyond crazy. And if speed skating is like Indy car racing, the short track is more akin to midget racing. And I don't mean to say that they're diminutive (Anton Ono is actually 5'8"/165lb, bigger than I thought), it's just more chaotic. The sheer number of skaters on the ice for the 5000m relay race made it look like an "all skate".
As for the Winter Olympic Games in general, Rob pointed out that every event requires its athletes to wear some special footwear, whether it's a ski, board, or skate. But what about curling, I wondered? More importantly, what did the 2006 BRONZE MEDAL WINNING US MEN'S CURLING TEAM wear? Rob said the curler probably has shoes equipped with special skates, but I thought that would damage the ice too much. Well, the great debate has been answered. The curlers wear shoes with "sliders" on them, usually made of Teflon, on their front foot; the sweepers wear removable "grippers" made of rubber on their shoes to give them more traction. Be sure to visit this article on curling, and don't miss Steve's Curling Website! They have all your curling needs, from Brushes, Hair Brushes, Shoes, Sliders, Gloves and Clothing! I guess I was right, but I hate being right about curling--what does that say about me? We're still not sure when they Zamboni the speed skating rinks, since everything was edited/tape delayed over here, we never got to see it. Anyway, it was fun to watch, and I will definitely Join Bode . . . at the bar! We have a lot to talk about, since we each won the same amount of medals this year.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

THE IRONY, JOHNNY

* This is the very definition of "ironic": the tax preparation company H&R Block did their own taxes wrong, understating their state income tax liability by $32 million. The irony, Johnny, the irony.

* First it was "Valentine's Weekend". Then I heard on a car commercial about a "President's Month Sale Event". Now it's apparently the beginning of "St. Patrick's Season". Apparently, one day wasn't enough for these "holidays". We weren't spending enough money on chocolate bonbons, SUVs, and stupid green plastic hats. So they've been supersized, to give us plenty of time to celebrate consumerism. Well done!

* Question: When did it become fashionable to start playing the Spin Doctors on the radio again? Answer: Never. So if you're guilty of this (and you DJs know who you are), please stop, for the love of God.

* This is a priceless picture from the press conference announcing the Knicks signing Steve Francis. I'd say that coach Larry Brown's expression pretty much sums up how he feels about his situation.
'Maybe Isiah will get hit by a cab on the way out of here . . .'
I'm not an NBA fan by any means, and the entire league could shrivel up and die and I wouldn't miss it. But the Knicks, oh how they make me laugh! GMs seem to be of two types: those that are good businessmen with a handle on the financial aspects of running a team, and those that are basketball savvy and make moves accordingly; if a team is lucky, they get a guy who has a handle on both. Well, GM Isiah Thomas excels in neither, and he's singlehandedly destroying this franchise with his inept player moves that don't make financial or basketball sense. I don't mean to be rude, but I think he may be mentally retarded; he may ride the short bus to MSG every day. He probably has been told to sign players with recognizable names to give fans and corporate ticket holders the illusion of "competing", since it's impossible to "rebuild" in New York. Regardless, I was astonished that they hired him a few years back considering his shoddy track record, and I can't believe he still has a job--and then I remembered that he's employed by Cablevision. Makes perfect sense, since this massive corporation makes money in spite of itself. All the Dolans need to do is raise cable prices to pay for this latest disaster. Good times.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if a major city paper (Post, Daily News) just refused to cover the Knicks in one of their editions? No explanation, no apology, no corrections; they just refuse to include a single article about the Knicks, or even mention the team at all. They could omit their game box score, and even remove their name from the bottom of the standings. Basically, you could scan every word in the entire paper, and "Knicks" wouldn't come up ONCE. I'm sure no one would miss them. That would be classic.

Anyway, here are some great e-mails sent to Bill Simmons regarding this issue, and a hilarious article about the 1st Annual Atrocious GM Summit.

Friday, February 24, 2006

FEEL GOOD FRIDAY!

* Why wasn't I informed about Whiskyfest New York? Throw me a frickin' bone, here! I'm the boss, need the info!

* Tiger Woods absolutely destroyed Stephen Ames in the Accenture Match Play Championship first round on Wednesday. The funniest thing about this is Ames' poorly chosen pre-match comments:

Ames was on the practice range Monday afternoon when he was asked if he would take a carefree attitude into his match against the No. 1 player in the world because not many expected him to win. Ames shook his head. "Anything can happen," Ames said, breaking into a big smile. "Especially where he's hitting the ball."

Wow. Okay, while Tiger's driving accuracy is not the best, Ames couldn't have possibly said anything dumber. So how did Tiggs respond to this? He completely thrashed and demoralized Ames, winning 9 and 8. Woods got birdies on the first 6 holes, won the first 7 holes, and walked off with the match on the 10th hole. That, my friends, is a trouncing.
The definition of an @$$ whooping
When a reporter asked if he was aware of Ames' comments after the match, Woods cut the question short. "Yes," he said. And what was your reaction? "9 and 8," Woods said simply. So the comments – which Woods called fair, but not something he would say about another player -- lit a fire under you? "You might say that," he said. Urged to elaborate further, Woods again answered, "9 and 8."

Even Vijay Singh had to admit, "That was a whoopin'." As for the smack talk, that should be on the list of things NOT TO DO right before playing the #1 golfer on the planet one-on-one.

* Suffern HS wins 4-3 in double OT to beat Clarkstown North to win the Division I hockey title. They'll host Section 2 champion Shenendehowa on Saturday March 4 at 8 p.m. at Sport-O-Rama. GO MOUNTIES!!!

* And to close out Feel Good Friday, here's a story of a high school kid who had never played varsity basketball, and was put in at the end of the last game of the year. After missing his first two shots, he went on to score a ridiculous 20 points (including 6 three pointers) in the final 4 minutes. Here's the kicker: he's autistic. Amazing story.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

ONE TIME, AT SKATING CAMP . . .

Even though deadspin.com credits The Best Sports Blog for coming up with this (2/21, 2:43 PM), I know Vertullo made the connection between Emily Hughes and Alyson Hannigan first. However, he had to wait until the next morning, when he was sure I was back from Florida, to relay it to us:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:49:43 -0500
From: Vertullo, Robert G

have you seen emily hughes at all? She’s the olympic skater that took michelle kwans spot. Anyway she should open all her press conferences with “one time, at band camp . . .”


______________________________
PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH POOR JUDGMENT

I understand the need for handicapped parking spaces, even though some of the drivers that possess them walk faster than me, but what the hell is "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH TODDLERS"? Whose fault is it that you decided to procreate and then drag your non-ambulatory offspring with you to the grocery store? It's certainly not my fault, no matter what your paternity test says. Where do we draw the line with these "special needs" parking spaces? "PARKING FOR MANIC DEPRESSIVES"? "PARKING FOR THE LAZY"? "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH INCONTINENCE PROBLEMS"? While we're at it, how about "PARKING FOR HOCKEY PLAYER WITH GROIN STRAIN", "PARKING FOR SINGLE PERSON WHO JUST NEEDS TO RUN IN FOR SOME MILK", or "PARKING FOR PEOPLE ON A BEER RUN"?

______________________________
GEOMETRICALLY SPEAKING

Like every great joke, this newspaper article saves the punch line for the end.

BREWSTER - A state judge has issued a temporary restraining order that prevents a nude juice bar in the village from operating at least until a hearing is conducted later this month. The order, issued yesterday, is a small victory for the village, which has been trying to close Club Verona since it opened in 2004. The club, Brewster officials allege, had racked up several code violations, including changing the site's use without Planning Board review and not applying for a certificate of occupancy. [...]

Club Verona attorney Jonathan Lovett said the ongoing village action further fuels a federal lawsuit that club owner Ray Knox Jr. filed in December. It charges the village with malicious prosecution and seeks $350,000 in damages. "This is the stupidest thing the village could have done," Lovett said this morning. "It increased geometrically my client's damages."


Geometrically? What does that mean? "These charges against my client are completely trapezoidal, and his financial hardships will consequently become Pythagorean. The village's decision is completely obtuse, and my client feels that they are not taking the right angle with regards to this issue. I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but he'll be lucky if he can manage three square meals a day after this. Hopefully, we can intersect with village officials in the near future, unlike two parallel lines which never meet, and come to a equilateral decision."

IT'S AN ALBANY EXPRESSION





Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.

Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.

Chalmers: I see.
(after eating the hamburgers)
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh... 'scuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.
(Skinner walks in and out of kitchen in a second)
Skinner: (faking a yawn) Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- (notices kitchen is on fire) Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
(Skinner and Chalmers walk outside)
Agnes: (screaming from inside the house) Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.


(The Simpsons is copyrighted by FOX and all rights reserved blah blah blah.)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

PIX NIXED!

Well, I blew it.

None of my daily pix made it from my phone to the blog while I was in Florida, because I typed in the wrong address every time. And I had no way to check it because I wasn't online all week. Oh well. So I just posted two of the golf-related photos: the one on 2/14 is of the green of the par 5 5th hole at East Bay GC in Largo, FL where I 3-putted for a bogey (damn!); the 2/19 post is from Myakka Pines GC in Englewood, FL), I think it's the 17th hole (#8 on the Red Nine).

The pix from my camera phone are all washed out and fuzzy, and it costs $0.79 to put each one up there, so I'm not going to bother posting any others. Plus, my comments were minimal because typing on a regular non-QWERTY keypad completely SUCKS. And anyway, the whole point was to SEND THEM DAILY FROM MY FRIGGING PHONE, to make everyone in the bitter cold Northeast jealous. So in other words, the whole thing was a complete failure, and I suck.

Oh, did I mention that the weather in Florida was in the high 70s/near 80 and sunny every day? It was gorgeous . . . and now I'm back at work. It was around 22° as I was walking up the hill into hell/work, and the cold air went through me like a dentist's drill.

Did I mention airports suck? More on that tomorrow. I'm tired, after rolling in at 1 AM this morning.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

PAR 4 - BEWARE OF ALLIGATORS

Hello from the Myakka Pines Golf Course. Seriously, do I have to leave Tuesday???
P.S. Yeah, I didn't mind seeing Canada lose, but they BLEW the call on that goal. Nice to see officiating blows in Olympic sports too. I didn't appreciate that Jagr cheapshot either.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

GERBER BABY!!

Is there anything better than watching team canada and that colossal prick pat quinn get shut out by the Swiss?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Birthday golf

Here's a snapshot of my day. It didn't suck. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes.

Monday, February 13, 2006

#4 VILLANOVA 69, #1 UCONN 64


This is a nice early birthday present. First home win for Nova against a #1 team, first time since 1995 (@ UConn).

V FOR VILLANOVA, V FOR VICTORY!!!

THINGS I DON'T GET


* Why people don't like snow. Personally, I think it's beautiful when everything gets buried in white, as the BLIZZARD OF '06 has illustrated. You can go sledding on it, you can ski on it, you can eat it (not the yellow snow), you can ball it up throw it in the face of your enemy. What's wrong with snow? We only have a few snowstorms a year here in the NYC area, and I don't think it's winter without them. Furthermore, it makes you appreciate nature and realize that as human beings we're pretty insignificant (without a huge amount of damage and tragic deaths, see: Hurricane Katrina). If you don't like it, move to Puerto Rico or somewhere, and stop whining in my ear.

* SUDOKU! Okay, it's a bunch of numbers you write in a box. What's the big deal? Why is this the hot new craze? It's like crossword for dummies. Those "Where's Waldo?" books were more compelling. I still don't know where the hell he is.

* UniversalHD's Olympic coverage. Of all the possible live Olympic events they could be showing in the morning, UniversalHD has only shown women's hockey. Good God, I can't take any more. And I don't think the Canadians were running up the score by winning 16-0 against Italy, it's just that Italy is THAT HORRENDOUS. They looked like kids compared to the immense back-bacon Molson-swilling maple-syrup-loving Canadian chicks. In fact, one of their defensewomen (?) was only 15 years old, for cripes sake! Wow. I can't wait until the men arrive (some of them got delayed by the blizzard).

* Oprah's Book Club. Why should we care what she reads? Seriously, it's yet another reason for housewives to shut off their brain and not have to make their own decisions. "I don't need a friend to suggest a book, and I don't have to browse the bestsellers for something that piques my interest, because Oprah's already told me what to read!" Ugh. First of all, I guarantee you she doesn't have time to read all of them, he probably has flunkies who do that and give her Cliff's Notes about them.

Thankfully, I'm here to save the day. I'm starting "Jeffro's Book Club", the guys' guide to reading. Don't worry about anything, I'm going to tell you what to read. Don't listen to O and buy Elie Weisel's "Night", I read it over 10 years ago (making me way ahead of the curve), it's nice but don't bother. Instead, here's my first recommendation: Post Office by Charles Bukowski, a hilariously funny first person account of the adventures of a letter carrier. After reading it, you can understand why people go "postal", and there are enough 4 letter words in here to make Oprah shit. Okay, I told you what to read, but you're mindless sheep already, so why not?

* Figure skating. I have to be honest with you: I really don't like watching it, and I'm only rooting for them to fall when it's on. There, I said it.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

BLIZZARD OF '06

The Blizzard of '06 did not disappoint, dumping 1-2 feet of snow across a wide swath of the Northeast. Here are some of the area snowfall totals in inches (thanks NWS):

...ROCKLAND COUNTY...
NEW CITY 20.1" 1230 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER

...FAIRFIELD COUNTY...
FAIRFIELD 30.2" 730 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
DANBURY 26.0" 600 PM 2/12 CT DOT
...UNION COUNTY...
RAHWAY 27.0" 600 PM 2/12 PUBLIC
...NEW YORK COUNTY...
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY 27.0" 345 PM 2/12 PUBLIC
CENTRAL PARK ZOO 26.9" 400 PM 2/12 (beating the 1947 record - 26.4")
...QUEENS COUNTY...
NYC/LA GUARDIA 25.4" 400 PM 2/12 AIRPORT ASOS
...PUTNAM COUNTY...
BREWSTER 24.0" 100 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
...BERGEN COUNTY...
RIDGEWOOD 19.0" 400 PM 2/12 SKYWARN SPOTTER
...WESTCHESTER COUNTY...
WHITE PLAINS 21.5" 500 PM 2/12 PUBLIC

Here are a couple of pix I took while venturing out to my mailbox and back.


Saturday, February 11, 2006

OLYMPIC UPDATE: CHICKS WITH STICKS


Good news: I'm watching Olympic hockey right now from Tortellini "Passion Lives Here" Italy in glorious HD and Dolby Digital 5.1 sound. The bad news: it's WOMEN'S hockey. At least it's something, and it's in HD. Nice. As the Canadian team pounds the polenta out of the Italian team 16-0, I'm wondering why they don't just go to running time. Anyway, there's also some ski jumping on at the moment, which also looks great. I'll have to watch as much as I can in HD before I fly down to Florida on Tuesday morning.

The Opening Ceremonies looked like a well orchestrated acid trip, as usual, with some mohawked guy skating around, and flaming speed skaters. They had eight women carry in the Olympic flag, and one of them was Susan Sarandon, for some odd reason. And yes, Yoko Ono made her appearance, and luckily I was in a bar at the time and couldn't hear her warbling poetry. It looked like some of the US atheletes were wearing tighty-whiteys on their heads, who picks out those hats??? And apparently, Italians love donuts, as a Ferrari F1 car tore it up. All told, it was ceremon-tastic!


_______________________________________

GRETZKY AND BETZKY! This was the headline on the cover of the Daily News yesterday. I'm so sick of the sports media (and the media in general) and their treatment of this Rick Tocchet gambling charges, and the allegations against Mr. and Mrs. Gretzky regarding their involvement. Of course, every day in the newspaper they print the odds/money line/point spread for every game; they predict game scores by saying "Take the Giants and the under"; they have NCAA brackets, and websites have fantasy sports sites for it; they take calls on sports radio, and people make their Super Bowl picks according to the numbers they got on their "pool boxes"; the day after the SB-XL was declared "the biggest gambling day in Vegas history!" In other words, gambling is everywhere in sports, everyone does it (whether its illegal or legal), sports lives off of it and gets ratings because of it, and the media helps promote it. So when someone is caught in an "illegal gambling ring", it's suddenly a horrible, deplorable, criminal act! This will give hockey a black eye! What an outrage! How fucking hypocritical is that?

Vertullo said it best: the reason the media suddenly treats this with such disdain is not because it's "illegal", but because the government doesn't get a piece of the pie. And the way the media is attacking the Gretzkys, with currently unfounded allegations I might add, is typical Schadenfreude: people have a sick fascination about knocking famous, wealthy, and successful people off their perches. But if you ask people about this, whether they're hockey fans or not, I guarantee you that 9 out of 10 aren't the least bit outraged by any of it. Personally, I don't care at all.
_______________________________________
You may have to hold off on that Michele Kwan-a-thon: she may have decided to withdraw from the 2006 games.
_______________________________________
Joke of the Night (Friday 2/10 Happy Hour Edition). Rob made this joke while we were thinking of songs to request next time that Tuney McOldsong plays a set at Bourbon Street: "Smells Like Tune Spirit". Hilarious.

Friday, February 10, 2006

I'VE GOT OLYMPIC FEVER!

SOMEONE HELP THIS WOMAN!!!
That's right, it's that time again! Well, it's not so much a fever, but I feel a little under the weather and I coughed up some phlegm first thing in the morning, so that can only mean the WINTER OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Tonight's opening ceremonies in Turin/Torino should be a treat, since I heard that the Americans aren't wearing cowboy hats, and Luciano Pavarotti and Yoko Ono are going to be there (actually, I'm not sure of that second one, it's only a rumor). Personally, I've never been a fan of the summer games, it seems like it's really just a lot of running. However, the winter sports, like hockey, skiing, ski jumping, speed skating and luge, among others, are infinitely more interesting to me. I can see people run all the time; I can't always see people slide a giant stone across an ice rink and run in front of it with brooms, or see skiers shooting a rifle in the woods. Now that's entertainment!

Viewing the events over here in the States is going to be tough because of the 6 hour time difference. In fact, I just found out that the gold medal hockey game is going to be at 8:00 AM on February 26th. Holy crap! Can't they make this a little more viewer friendly? I don't care if you have to play at midnight over there, dammit! Americans spend billions of dollars traveling over to Italy, spending ridiculous amounts of money under the Tuscan sun just to say hi to the Pope! Why can't Italy throw us a bone, here? Oh well, I guess it's too late to change the schedule. I'm going to need a whole lotta lattes to make it through this.

Fun things to look for:

*Bob Costas trying to appear "fun" and "hip" by using snowboarding slang, like "riding fakie to the frontside wall and sticking the 1080, that was sick!"
*Irritating fluff pieces about olympians having to "overcome adversity"
*A no-holds barred Michelle Kwan-a-thon!
*German Georg "The Speeding Sausage" Hackl, will be a luger for the 6th (and last) time this year (I didn't have a joke, I just wanted to type "Speeding Sausage")
*NJ native Danny Kass in the snowboarding half-pipe (you know it's a sport we invented just to get medals when we're sending skiers from New Jersey)
*Apolo Ono getting stabbed with a skate by an angry South Korean during a short-track speed skating event
*US skeleton luge team trashing the Olympic Village, as they fail to medal
*US Figure skater Johnny Weir loves Christina Aguilera songs, Moulin Rouge, and Margaret Cho
*If the French figure skating judge even LOOKS at us wrong, there's gonna be a donnybrook on the ice
*Did I mention some of the skiers carry rifles?

Naturally, I was looking forward to watching some events in HD (esp. hockey) on the NBC-HD and Universal-HD channels, but unfortunately all of the Universal HD stuff is live. This means that during the middle of the week we've got Canada vs. Czech hockey at 5:30 AM, ski jumping at 4 PM, USA vs. Russia hockey at 2 PM, and so on. Can't they postpone "Knight Rider" reruns for two weeks to replay some events in prime time? I read one disclaimer about HDNet's coverage: all broadcasts are postponed one day. Gee, thanks.

Hockey preview: Let's face it, it's going to be another tough road for the US men's hockey team. Just glancing at the men's ice hockey Olympic rosters (as of February 8) tells me that we got the short end of the goalie stick, so to speak. With the trio of Esche (persistent groin problems, spotty play as of late), DiPietro (struggling with Isles, near bottom of goalie stats with a 3.44 GAA/.890 SV) and Graham (probably the starter, but looked horrible getting pulled in 2/7 game @ NJ), it's going to be a tough road (where is the Sabres' Ryan Miller???). With a lot of old timers on the roster (Modano, Chelios, Weight, Tkachuk), I honestly don't know who's going to score goals for this squad, except maybe Knuble, Cole and Gionta, the only players with more than 25 goals in the NHL so far. That's right, we're depending on a Devil to score goals for us--not a good sign.

I see the favorites to win the gold are the Canadian team (3:2 odds, just ask Mrs. Gretzky!), who are stacked as usual. The Czech (Hasek, Jagr, Elias, Hejduk) and Swedish (hot Ranger rookie Lundqvist, a couple of Sedins, and 6 guys with names ending in -sson) teams also have a legitimate shot. The Russians, with flashy young goal scorers (Afinogenov, Ovechkin, Datsyuk) but little goaltending are a question mark, but could be scary. Long shots would be the USA, Slovakia, and Finnish squads. Look out for Gunther Hell, goalie for the Italian team. I also heard Piazza will be catching for them, or something.

All in all, it should be Olymp-tacular!

Thursday, February 9, 2006

HOW TO DISMANTLE A JOSHUA TREE

U2 won 5 Grammys last night including the big kahuna, Album of the Year. So if you add in the 2 they won for "Vertigo" last year, that's 7 awards they've managed to get out of the worst album of their career, which easily beats the previous record holder, Toto (for 1981's "Toto IV"). Now, I agreed with the Album of the Year for "The Joshua Tree" in 1987, but that's where it ends. I'm just going to assume the Grammy voters are playing catchup for snubbing them early in their career, for "Pride (In the Name of Love)", and the albums "War" and "Boy", and/or "Unforgettable Fire". But seriously, the throwaway B-sides from "Joshua Tree" are better than anything on their current disc. Anyway, the Grammys are just so lame and predictable, I can't deal with it anymore. Just the fact that Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl", which would have been stupidest song of the year if it wasn't for Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps", was considered one of the TOP FIVE BEST SONGS OF THE YEAR tells you where music is at nowadays. Obviously, the Grammys are just trying their hardest to get people from every walk of life to tune in (by throwing Mariah, Sir Paul, Kanye, Gwen, and U2 in the same category), but none of this stuff is close to being groundbreaking or the "best" music of the year. I mean, how many polka Grammys can Jimmy Sturr win before someone does something about it?!? (Rhetorical question.) Personally, I can't wait until they add the categories "Most Downloaded Song" and "Ringtone of the Year".

To illustrate how meaningless award nominations are, the "Dr. Phil" show got a daytime Emmy nomination for "Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling". I'll let you think that one over for a minute . . .

The Daily News had this headline in the paper about the Giambino:
JASON NO LONGER SORRY
Injects himself with new pride

Wow, that's puntastic! He does look a lot like Meat Loaf, or maybe he's just been eating a lot of meat loaf.

Duke beat North Carolina the other night on an unbelieveably lucky break: with 20 seconds left and down by 3 with the ball, NC inexplicably did not attempt a 3 point shot, instead driving the lane and missing a layup with 8 seconds left. Whuh? Duke doesn't need breaks like this, they do just fine without it. And why isn't this even mentioned in the recap? It makes it sound like Duke won easily. In other news, Dick Vitale masturbated in his hotel room afterwards. And what's the deal with J.J Redick? Is there anyone whiter? No, I'm not playing the race card, I'm just talking about his pigmentation--his skin is a deathly pale white. Does he ever get any sun? Does he ever leave the gym? Is he a member of a some weird goth club? I bet even albinos even call him "whitey". Seriously, he's white.

What's the record for an actor who has starred in the most movies that have titles stolen from songs? Because I think Reese Witherspoon is up there at the top, with "Walk the Line", (Johnny Cash), "Just Like Heaven" (The Cure), and "Sweet Home Alabama" (Lynyrd Skynyrd). She was also in "Twilight", which HAD to be stolen from the U2 song, but I can't prove it.

I know "Brokeback Mountain" is the big gay Oscar hit of the year, but now they've made a movie out of "Bicurious George"? That's just wrong. Stop monkeying around, Hollywood! Or maybe I read that ad wrong. Oh, and those remakes of "Pink Panther" and "When a Stranger Calls" are sure to do well, but I can't wait for the big screen version of "Small Wonder".

Why does it take the Super Bowl for people to discover: 1) how horrible NFL officials are, 2) how stupid the majority of commercials are, and 3) how old the Rolling Stones are? Guess what? It's been like that for quite a while. Are we all caught up now? Super.

I don't understand Cablevision. Yes, I'm happy with their HD programming, since they exclusively carry "Fox Sports NY-HD" and "MSG-HD", but I don't understand how they choose what gets broadcast in HD and what doesn't. The Knicks @ Nets game was in HD on BOTH channels last night, meanwhile the Rangers were at home (HD ready!) and the Islanders were in Philly (not HD ready)--and neither of them in was in HD. If you put the Rangers on MSG-HD, the Isles on FSNY, and the Nets on YES-HD, then everyone wins. Cablevision OWNS the Rangers, and can't get them broadcast in HD?

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

GO BLOGGER!

This is a test.


Yes, go@blogger.com's MOBLOG system worked correctly it seems, although Verizon puts all this signature crap after my comments which I had to delete. This picture was taken from my Samsung A670 phone on July 4th weekend 2005, and has been trapped on it ever since. I think I'll send a picture a day while I'm in Florida, just to try this out, and make everyone jealous. And by "everyone", I mean "no one", because I'm the only one that reads this blog.

Anyway, I'll be on the golf course next week at this time, and you won't. And this blog will provide visual evidence of that. So there.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

NHL Players Protest New Goaltending Penalty

When I can't think of anything funny to blog, it's time to steal from the Onion.

January 26, 2006 | Onion Sports

NEW YORK — Less than six months since players returned from a yearlong lockout, hockey is once again in turmoil following last week's announcement that "goaltending," or attempting to obstruct a shot on goal or impede the puck's progress with one's body or stick, would become a two-minute minor penalty, a rule change that went into effect Monday. "Increasing scoring with rule changes and cracking down on obstruction is one thing," said Phoenix Coyotes goaltender Curtis Joseph, who claims his job is being banned by the league. "But to take a page from the NBA and just outlaw goaltending outright… Maybe it's just me, but I think that rule just plain goes against the spirit of hockey." Veteran NHL centers, forwards, and some defensemen took issue with Joseph's remarks, claiming he was still angry over being penalized seven times in the Coyotes' Monday night game against Dallas, in which Joseph had zero saves and lost 88-105.

Monday, February 6, 2006

CRAPTACULAR END TO A CRAPTACULAR YEAR

This was one of the worst NFL seasons in recent memory, so it was quite appropriate that it culminated in a Big Game that was a boring, plodding, sloppily played, poorly officiated, anticlimactic contest. In many ways, it was a microcosm of the whole dismal year of football. Big Ben played horribly, MVP Shaun Alexander didn't show up, Holmgren and Hasselbeck couldn't run a 2 minute offense if you gave them all day, Stevens dropped passes all night, Seattle special teams stank with two missed FGs and punts landing in the end zone--it was by all accounts a craptacular showcase of the "best" teams in the NFL. You know it's a bad night when the game's best pass was thrown by wide receiver (and college QB) Tony "Antwaan Randle El" Randall, a 43-yard end-around option-pass for a TD to Hines Ward. Ugh.
TONY RANDALL Although the officiating was predictably horrible, giving us at least 3 or 4 bad calls in this game, I don't buy that the officials fixed this game so that the "Stealers" would beat the Seahawks. Because let's face it: they're not that smart. They're tax adjustors, teachers, real estate appraisers, carpet salesmen, not duplicitous secret agents with an agenda or an axe to grind. The calls didn't prevent Seattle from winning, because they couldn't get out of their own way all night. They held Pittsburgh to zero first downs in the first quarter but only scored 3 points, and failed to score more than one TD even while leading in rushing and time of possession. And when it counted, like during the record 75-yard Willie Parker TD run, and the aforementioned "gadget" play, the Hawks D let them down. So Seahawks fans and conspiracy theorists, stop whining, because your team played like shit; it turns out that the Steelers performance was only a little less shitty. Bottom line: when you're the #1 NFC team with the highest scoring offense, and you're playing the #6 AFC team, and you only manage 10 points, it shouldn't have even come down to the officiating.
BEN OVER Oh, and even the commercials sucked. And I later found out that Joe Montana (who I used to like) decided to skip the "parade of MVPs" prior to the game because the NFL couldn't pay him enough. Pretty sad. Oh, and Terry Bradshaw skipped it too, but he's an asshole anyway. At least we got to watch the game in glorious High Jeffinition. Hey, I actually found something positive to say (besides how much I enjoyed Sam Adams Black Lager).
DAVE SHAVE
So now that it's all over, I'm hoping that freshly shaved Big Ben (why didn't he use the Gillette "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades" Fusion?) can party with some real hotties this time around, and not some random chicks in some guy's basement. I can't wait for the pictures to hit the internet. BTW, even HE honestly didn't think he got in the end zone on Sunday (which he said on 'David Letterman').

After all this, one can only hope that the NFL will finally fix the lousy video review/officiating in the off-season, but I doubt it. Until next year, bye bye, NFL. We won't miss you!

MINNIE BUS

Sunday, February 5, 2006

TWO WORDS ABOUT THE BIG GAME

I think I said I was going to post something everyday, so here it is. I have just two words about the BIG GAME: BLACK LAGER. Considering I haven't had a Sam Adams in a while, it was a pleasant surprise.

Thanks.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

PRE-BIG GAME PROGRAMMING GUIDE

I know there's usually a lot of pre-game stuff on Sunday before the BIG GAME, but this year some of it is really strange:

OLN / 1:00AM - 1:30AM / "PRE-PRE-PRE GAME SHOW: Ice Fishing for Squid in Detroit" (kw)
ABC / 10:00 AM - 11:00 AM / "This Week in Football with George Stephanopoulos" (jk)
CARTOON / 10:00 AM - 10:30 AM / "Animated Adventures of Sammy Steroid & Harry Growth Hormone" (kw)
ESPN2 / 10:30 AM - 11:00 AM / "Dan Marino's All-Marino Team of Super Bowl Losers" (jk)
ESPN Classic / 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM / 2006 AFC & NFC Championship Games: Re-inacted In the Studio By Former Football Players Wearing Suits and Ties Presented By Men's Wearhouse (jk)
E! / 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM / The 2006 Super Bowl Referees: The True Hollywood Story (kw)
ABC / 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM / "The View: Breakfast with the Rolling Stones" (jk)
ESPN / 12:00 PM - 12:30 PM / Chris Berman's Top Ten Favorite Sandwiches of the Week (jk)
ADULT1 / 12:00 PM - 1:30 PM / "Pounding the Pigskin" (kw)
FOOD / 12:00 PM - 12:30 PM / Grillin' and Singin' with Terry Bradshaw (jk)
I'M SO LONESOME I COULD CRY (1976)ESPNHD / 12:30 PM - 1:30 PM / The Making of Al Michael's Swimsuit Video (jk)
LIFETIME / 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM / "Lifetime Movies Presents: Bloody Sunday - The Annual Beating of Susie Claxton" (rv)
NBC / 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM / Dr. Phil: Coping With Failure (featuring Scott Norwood, Mike Vanderjagt, The Minnesota Vikings) (jk)
ESPN2 / 6:18 PM - 10:30 PM / "Super Bowling Tournament" (kw)

Friday, February 3, 2006

MY GOALS FOR TODAY

I just wanted to post links for the two best NHL goals of the season so far.
Malik
1) Marek Malik vs. Olaf Kolzig, November 26, 2005. This cartoonish goal (which doesn't technically count as a goal) won the game for the Rangers in the 15th round of the OT win it against the Capitals at MSG. Are you kidding? That was a crazy day at MSG, with the Knicks winning earlier in the day in OT on a buzzer-beating 3-pointer, followed by this unexpected goal.
Alexander the Great
2) Alexander Ovechkin vs. Brian Boucher (Phoenix Coyotes), January 16, 2006. This one was absolutely ridiculous, I can't even describe it. Even Gretzky couldn't help but admire this one, as he looked up at the scoreboard to see the replay, and was quoted afterwards saying "That was sweet". Although Crosby may be the better all-around player, this kid is a shoo-in for Rookie of the year with his phenominal scoring talent.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

BIG BENDER

This is why I'm rooting for Big Ben to win the Big Game #40 on Xtra Large American Football Contest Sunday:

BIG BENDER
DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY

I'm going to take his T-shirt's sage advice this Sunday, but I'm hoping he doesn't do the same. I'm going to hold off on buying Big Ben's BBQ Sauce, because I still have a huge bottle of Van Halen bassist Michael "Mad" Anthony's BBQ sauce. Beware: the combination of habañero peppers and ancho chile powder gave me the runs like the devil!

At least Western Pennsylvanians had something else to look forward to this February, other than watch that fat rat see his shadow, who by doing so predicted 6 more weeks of Super Bowl hype.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

During this magical month, I'm going to try to blog every day. That's right, every ding dong day in Jeffuary, you'll get some new useless crap in this space! This, of course, means that the postings up here will be of substandard quality, but hey, you get what you pay for. Oh, and since I'll be in sunny Florida from Feb 14th until the 22nd, it'll be hard to update, so maybe I'll email a joke/pun/palindrome, or maybe an advertisement for butt cream. Whatever it may be, it's sure to be fabulous.

Have a happy healthy Jeffuary!

(Oh, and don't buy those Valentine KitKat minis, they're this weird cherry flavor and they're all pink and sissy looking.)

I DON'T BELIEVE I AM ADEQUATELY PREPARED FOR SOME FOOTBALL . . .

I just wanted to mention how the NFL is repeatedly shooting itself in the foot. Not only has the officiating/video review aspect of the game become godawful, the wide receivers turned into loud mouth divas, and the two week hype-a-thon for the Super Bowl interminable, but they've decided to add more games on Thursday and Saturday nights next season.

NEW YORK - The NFL Network will broadcast eight prime-time games on Thursdays and Saturdays beginning next season.

The eight-game package, announced by commissioner Paul Tagliabue on Saturday, will begin with a game on Thanksgiving night. All of the games also will be shown on local stations in the teams' home markets. The package was created by taking Saturday and Sunday games that originally would have been shown by the league's broadcast partners.

The league runs the 2-year-old NFL Network, which is in about 40 million homes. The addition of games to its lineup almost assuredly will increase that number.


I don't currently get this channel, so this move doesn't directly affect me, but this move is perplexing. The NFL used to be a lot more special because it had its own day, Sunday, and the build-up and suspense gave the sport some juice, something to talk about during the week. With the explosion of televised sports in the 70s, the creation of "Monday Night Football" was invitable, but even this weekly one-game showcase has been in serious decline (and has been relegated to ESPN in 2006). But now (just like college football, which is on almost every day during the season), with games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday nights, how is anyone going to know when anyone's playing? Besides, are people clamoring to watch late night football every day of the week? I don't know a single person who wishes there were more 9:00 PM Thursday games in December (especially tailgaters). Actually, the one thing I agree with is having a night game on Turkey Day, since the MST3K Marathon no longer exists (in anyone's house but mine, that is).

Since this makes no logical sense, this whole decision must be based on money. The marketing "geniuses" probably think this will make every game special, but it's going to do the opposite in my opinion. They're getting overly greedy by spreading it out, further diluting an already declining product. Oh, I know the advertising revenue is not declining; on the contrary, it keeps going up! But it seems that no one cares about the actual games, or the fans, any more. So since we're screwing around with the NFL and Sunday is no longer sacred, how about we have the Super Bowl on SATURDAY NIGHT?? Think of the possibilities--people would go out to bars, spend more on food, and drink MORE BEER.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

XL = XTREME LAUGHS

Cracked Magazine appeared sometime in the 1960s as a low-rent alternative to MAD magazine, and occasionally came up with some funny stuff. However, they now have a website just like everyone else, and this ESPN parody that they created is hilarious. And this link of "SPN'S MORE THAN COMPLETE MEGA COVERAGE" is now my only source for information about Big Game #40. They inform us, among other things, that "Detroit Native Jerome "From Detroit" Bettis to Play Super Bowl in Detroit (His Hometown)":

In a story that SPN's writers are calling the biggest Super Bowl scoop ever, SPN reports that veteran Steelers RB Jerome Bettis is a native of Detroit. That’s right – the same city that’s hosting Super Bowl XL. The very same Super Bowl in which Bettis is playing! Is this an amazing story or what?! We're not grasping at straws! READ MORE

• Pasquarelli: It’s true, he is from Detroit. I checked | Clayton: If so, why is no one reporting on this?
• Vote: Should we run this story into the ground?
• Does he actually like Detroit? | Is he insane?!
• Also, Jerome Bettis is obese and he's playing in Super Bowl XL | Get it? Like the size extra large? | It's funny because, you know, he's a big guy

Monday, January 30, 2006

GQ: The Ten Most Hated Athletes

This is a funny article, because of the Phil Mickelson revelations and the fact that somebody in a major publication finally mentioned Curt Schilling's fake bloody sock! Turns out he's a jerk. Who knew? Good stuff.

__________________________________________________________
Who are the most roundly despised men in pro sports? We asked their peers-and they came out swinging By David Gargill and Nate Penn

GQ: The Five Who Just Missed the Cut

Jeff Kent
Says one reporter: "He's got two moods-sour and angry." Another recalls spotting him eating alone at a restaurant during a road trip. "Five minutes later, eight of his teammates walk in, and they nod, and he nods. Then the eight teammates sit at a different table. He literally doesn't need friends." "I hate when guys say, 'Oh, he's misunderstood,' " says John Lopez, of the Houston Chronicle. "Jeff Kent's not misunderstood. He's a prick." Lopez notes, however, that Kent's hard-nose style actually inspired the 2004 Astros, a perhaps overly mellow group: "They needed that injection of prickness."

Randy Johnson
"The only time I've seen him smile is when he thinks he's embarrassed somebody," says one sportswriter. Another recalls something called Rule 51, named for Johnson's uniform number and in force during his years in Arizona. According to Rule 51, Johnson would personally select the defense for each of his starts. "He wanted things to be just right the days he pitched," says the sportswriter, and teammates accepted this "because he was their meal ticket." Says another sportswriter, "He's just a very sour guy. He's like a tall Kent."

Rasheed Wallace
In Portland, Rasheed, the Blazers' best player, pissed off teammates by getting kicked out of games so often. Along with Bonzi Wells, he would at times engage in less-than-professional behavior as well, making headlines on one occasion for playfully firing a basketball across a practice court and directly into the nuts of Blazers center Ruben Boumtje Boumtje. "Bonzi and Rasheed ran off the court laughing. They thought that was the funniest thing," says Jason Quick, of the Portland Oregonian. Freed of Bonzi's influence, Wallace won a ring in Detroit.

A-Rod
"The issue with Alex is his insecurity," says a writer who's covered him. "He needs people to tell him he's great. It struck me that he'd be looking around sometimes, fishing for guys to tell him, 'Oh, you're the best.' " The sportswriter recalls A-Rod's vain attempt to bask in the reflected glory of Hank Blalock after the latter won the 2003 All-Star Game with a late-inning homer. "Alex was patting him on the head like he was a little kid, and it really pissed Hank off." Another writer disagrees: "People say he's phony, but I don't see it."

Danny Fortson
Fortson may believe that playing in blowouts is beneath him: According to one sportswriter, during the fourth quarter of a game in which the Mavs were enjoying a huge lead, he disappeared to take a dump and never came back. Don Nelson and Jerry Colangelo have assailed him in the media for thuggery; reportedly, Forton has tried to take out players' knees in practice. But beat writers say he's a nice guy and a great interview: "I don't think he's the Antichrist by any stretch," says one. -David Gargill and Nate Penn


10. Lleyton Hewitt
To our minds, Lleyton Hewitt's obsession with Rocky is reason enough to put the Aussie tennis star on the list (the dude fires himself up on the court by shouting, "C'mon, Rock!"), but it's his race-baiting during the 2001 U.S. Open that really seals the deal. Serving in the third set against American James Blake, Hewitt was called for multiple foot faults by a black linesman. Incensed, he approached the chair umpire and, pointing first to the offending linesman and then to Blake, said, "Look at him and you tell me what the similarity is."

"It was a terrible act," says tennis sage Bud Collins. "Everybody knew what he meant."

"The thing is, he's a big foot faulter," adds former pro and current analyst Mary Carillo. "So the idea that all of a sudden, in the heat of a match, he's getting called for it out of racial bias was ridiculous.

"He makes guys crazy," Carillo adds. "They try hard to ignore him, but he's always barking on the other side of the net." In his 2005 Australian Open match against Argentine Juan Ignacio Chela, Hewitt so enraged Chela with his frenzied celebration of an unforced error that Chela fired a serve directly at him, then spat at him during a changeover.

"We all know how Lleyton is," said another Argentine player, Guillermo Coria. "He can be the best player in the world, win every tournament, but I would not want to be like him." Hewitt, Coria added, is disliked "by every other player on the international circuit."

Hewitt isn't even popular in his native Australia. He has been booed in his hometown, and after the incident with Chela, one Australian paper proclaimed, "Many regretted [the spit] did not find its target."

9. A. J. Pierzynski
Google the phrase clubhouse cancer and the ?rst two results will be stories about Chicago White Sox catcher A. J. Pierzynski. Teammates and members of the media use those words and others-unprofessional, immature, arrogant, aloof-to describe him. His baseball misdemeanors are legion: chirping at the opposition, bitterly contesting balls and strikes (very stupid for a catcher, who must win goodwill for his pitcher), and venting his frustrations on opposing first basemen. "He doesn't have a lot of baseball etiquette," says one ex-teammate. "He'll deliberately step on your foot at first base, then say, 'Man, I didn't mean to do that!' "

The most telling of the many, many (seriously, you wouldn't believe how willing people were to talk about this guy) Pierzynski anecdotes we heard took place during spring training in 2004. Pierzynski, crouched behind the plate, took a pitch to the groin. Rushing to his aid, trainer Stan Conte asked him how he felt. "Like this!" Pierzynski grunted, then savagely kneed Conte in the balls.

"You just want to choke him," says the ex-teammate, who has also played against him. "You want your pitcher to hit him in the head."


8. Phil Mickelson
Last August at the PGA Championship at Baltusrol, in New Jersey, a reporter turned to a golfer on the tour and said of Phil Mickelson, "Man, the fans here love Phil." The golfer replied, "They don't know him the way we do." It blew our minds a little when we heard this, since Mickelson ranks among the most admired golfers in America. But today the same reporter makes his case bluntly: "Phil Mickelson literally has no friends out there. He annoys everybody."

Mickelson has earned many nicknames on the Tour, but our favorite is FIGJAM (Fuck, I'm good-just ask me). "There are a bunch of pros who think he and his whole smiley, happy face are a fraud," another reporter says. "They think he's preening and insincere." Mickelson has aggressively pursued a family-man image that is crucial to his success as an endorser. In 1999, when he nearly won the U.S. Open, Mickelson wore a beeper onto the fairway to alert him when his wife went into labor. If the beeper went off during the final round, he announced, he would simply walk off the course. Some of Mickelson's peers, smelling a PR stunt, badly wanted to call his bluff. "Everybody's saying, 'Oh God, I want that beeper to go off,' " recalls one writer. (It didn't.)

In 2003, Mickelson violated multiple taboos when he told a reporter that Tiger Woods was playing with "inferior equipment" and that he envied Mickelson's longer drives from the tee. Woods was infuriated. "You just don't say shit like that in golf," says a reporter. (To be fair, another reporter says, "Phil was right.")

Shortly before the 2004 Ryder Cup, though, Mickelson abruptly switched from Titleist to Callaway equipment. He left himself little time to get used to the new balls and clubs. "It wasn't in the best interest of the team," says a reporter. "The only thing that it was in the best interest of was his ?nancial gain." The contract paid a reported $7 million to $10 million annually. "What it did was set up a bull's-eye on him if he played poorly," says a different reporter. "Which he did."

Most recently, Mickelson blew off the 2005 Tour Championship, though the PGA was in the midst of negotiating its new TV contract. One reporter says, "The Tour was trying to come up with a plan that would make the networks happy, so it wouldn't have to give back a lot of money, and here's the number three player in the world skipping the premier season-ending event. Other players said, 'How about helping the rest of us who aren't as rich?' " Adds another reporter: "It's like not showing up for somebody's wedding."


7. Bonzi Wells
Not yet 30 years old, Bonzi Wells, shooting guard for the Sacramento Kings, has played for three NBA teams. "If you've got that much ability and you're traded three times that early in your career," says ex-NBA player and current ESPN commentator Tom Tolbert, "there's obviously something wrong with you."

Words like fumigate come up when people try to explain why GMs trade him. "It doesn't bother him if his unhappiness infects the entire team," says Memphis sportswriter Geoff Calkins, who recalls that when Grizzlies coach Hubie Brown was contemplating retirement (citing health reasons), "part of the calculus for Hubie was 'It's not worth it,' and a big part of that was Bonzi. He helped bring Hubie down."

When Brown's successor, Mike Fratello, pulled Wells from a game at the end of last season, Bonzi threw a tantrum involving, characteristically, both profanity and projectiles. "This was in the final weeks of the season," says Ron Higgins, another Memphis sportswriter, "when the Grizzlies were desperately trying to make the playoffs. Other players looked at him like, What the hell are you doing?"

Recalls sportswriter Jason Quick, who covered Bonzi in Portland: "He would flip off a fan and the next day say, 'I blacked out.' He's such a con man. When the TV lights went on, he'd put on that million-dollar smile, then be an ass when they left." He spat, infamously, on Danny Ferry. He bitched constantly at his coaches. He was fined for bad-mouthing his own fans in Sports Illustrated. He made a veiled threat after a reporter wrote a negative story about him.

"He told me, 'Don't be surprised one day if you show up to practice with a steak over your eye,' " Quick remembers. "And I said, 'If you want to do that, I'll be a rich man.' He said, 'I'm not dumb enough to do it myself. I'll have my posse do it.' "


6. Michael Iaconelli
We give you America's biggest basshole. As one rival puts it, Iaconelli, a loud, brash New Jerseyite, has "disgraced" the predominantly southern, rural, Christian sport of angling. "When he catches one," says celebrated fisherman Denny Brauer, "you've got the fist pumps, the running around the boat, the lying flat on the boat. He'll stare at the fish, yell at it, point at it. He'll shake his finger at it."

Iaconelli has repeatedly defied the sport's time-honored codes. Among them:

Respect a man's water. "He sees somebody catching fish and pulls right in front of 'em," angler Brent Chapman explains. At an event on the Potomac River in June 2005, Chapman says, Iaconelli observed him hauling in a six-pound bass. "He proceeded to start fishing right in front of me. I asked him, 'Are you really gonna fish here?' He proceeded to yell profanities at me."

No wakes means no wakes. "A lot of times, he has eight to ten boats following him," says Brauer. At Lake Wissota in 2005, Brauer adds, "He would come charging into our area with his group and just totally ransack the whole little basin for an hour and then be gone. He ruined the water."Lose with honor. At the Bassmaster Classic-the Super Bowl of angling-in Charlotte in 2004, Iaconelli "was suffering from a bad day of fishing," says rival Bernie Schultz, "and he deliberately fished out-of-bounds to get himself disqualified. It's very difficult to even get qualified for that championship, and he turned it into a circus act. It was an inexcusable way of keeping himself in the forefront with the media. I know it was calculated. I know he did it purposefully."

"Iaconelli is a big-city angler and a product of the street," Schultz adds. "Our sport should be portrayed more like golf or tennis or sports of that nature."


5. Kobe Bryant
"I'd be the first to tell you that Kobe has not helped himself with a lot of what's gone on," says Greg Anthony, former NBA player and current ESPN analyst. "He's never been the type to do things that would endear him to his teammates." Maurice Carter, one of Bryant's former Laker teammates, agrees: "He's to himself. You're not in Kobe's life outside basketball; you just have to accept that." But it's not the off-court cold shoulder that rubs his teammates the wrong way; Bryant's on-court behavior is the real problem. "As a player," explains Anthony, "?rst and foremost, it's shot selection. You've gotta understand that when you're not playing the game the right way, it's going to negatively impact you toward your teammates. And there were a lot of complaints about Kobe being sel?sh, not caring about anyone other than himself. Even his coach said he was uncoachable. If your coach is saying it, you can rest assured the players are saying it."

Shaquille O'Neal was the focal point in Phil Jackson's vaunted triangle offense, but Kobe's refusal to take a backseat to the Diesel sunk what could've been the most dominant basketball dynasty ever. "I've talked to Scottie Pippen and Michael," says Anthony, "and if Michael Jordan played with Shaq, he would have found a way to let Shaq be the man."

"They could have won six in a row," says one NBA insider, but Shaq and Kobe "wouldn't even speak to each other. I mean, that's almost unheard-of. You're talking about teammates, the two best players at the time-not only on the team, but in the league-and they had no personal relationship. None. And I'm not talking about a day but an entire season!"

And who could blame Shaq-"the best teammate in the world," according to Carter-for shunning Bryant after Kobe inexplicably told Colorado police that O'Neal had paid up to $1 million to discreetly remedy situations like the one Kobe found himself in during the summer of 2003. "That's outlandish," says Carter. "And why he said it, I have no idea." Greg Anthony adds: "That's something you don't ever do. You never discuss someone else's personal business with anybody. That's an unwritten rule that he broke, and there's a price to pay when you do something like that."


4. Curt Schilling
"Between the white lines, it's all real," says one reporter who has covered Schilling. "But outside the white lines, there's a huge gap between the man and the image he projects." Take, for instance, Schilling's self-glorifying display during Congress's steroid hearings last March or his absurdly patriotic open letter to America on ESPN.com after 9/11, for which his teammates mocked him on a late-night bus ride with a chorus of "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy."

"They know what he's about," says the sportswriter. "I'd say a large percentage of them like him-every fifth day. He wears on people."

On days he doesn't pitch, Schilling is notorious for striking TV-ready poses on the dugout stairs. (His manager in Philadelphia, Jim Fregosi, dubbed him Red Light Curt.) "He's somebody who's always positioning himself in terms of what's best for Curt Schilling," says ESPN's Pedro Gomez, who described Schilling as "the consummate table for one." (Speaking of which, Schilling also has a reputation for sneaking into the clubhouse late in games to get a head start on the buffet.)

So avid is Schilling's longing for the spotlight that some of his peers raise doubts about his now legendary turn in the 2004 postseason, when he pitched on an ankle tendon that had been sutured in place. During Game 6, cameras cut repeatedly to the bright red stain on Schilling's sock. It was blood, right? "The Diamondbacks people think he definitely doctored that sock," says the sportswriter. The ex-teammate laughs: "All around baseball, people questioned that. It was funny how the stain didn't spread."


3. Kurt Busch
After Kurt Busch won the 2004 Nextel Cup Series, his sponsor, Newell Rubbermaid, considered dropping him as an endorser. Dropping the champ? "It's unprecedented," says Eric Pinkham, the company's motor-sports director. But, he adds, "there have been far greater champions in NASCAR, and we wish we'd had one."

Last November, after being pulled over outside Phoenix, Busch said to the officers on duty, "Aren't you supposed to be directing traffic somewhere?" When the officers asked Busch to perform a field sobriety test, he said, "I'm not doing this gay test!" and was summarily cuffed and arrested (though later released). "We weren't trying very hard to find out about anything, frankly," says a source for Roush Racing, Busch's former team. "But when we saw what the sheriff told the AP, we said, 'We gotta get into it.' Forget that he tried to spin it that he'd never had a drink. The whole police interaction, that whole level of flouting authority, is just so far out-of-bounds for the expected behavior of a NASCAR driver."

During a race last October, he goes on, Busch said of his team's owner over the radio, "Tell Jack Roush to stick his head up his ass." And according to the Roush source, "Busch relentlessly criticized his teammates over the radio. He'd call 'em out during the race and tell 'em they're going to be fired." At one point this spring, Busch's entire crew threatened to quit, until his crew chief, Jimmy Fenning, calmed them down. When everything went Busch's way on the track in 2004, the press began to think that maybe he'd grown up. "That was always our spin with him: He has matured," says our Roush source.

"But after winning the championship, at our team dinner, with wives and other guests present and the whole extravaganza being put on by NASCAR, his toast was 'To NASCAR-they can lick my salty balls!' Like I say, unrepentant."


2. Barry Bonds
At no time in recorded history have coaches and teammates spoken admiringly of Barry Bonds's interpersonal skills. Bonds himself concedes that at every level he's played, from high school to the pros, people have said he's had a bad attitude. His coach at Arizona State described him as "rude, inconsiderate, and self-centered," adding, "I never saw a teammate care about him." In 1989, beat writers dubbed Bonds, then a budding star in Pittsburgh, his team's "MDP"-most despised player.

"He has the world's biggest chip on his shoulder," says a reporter who's covered him. "He's got a screw loose. One day he'll be smiling and friendly. The next he'll be Asshole Barry." The fact that we know of only a handful of occasions on which Bonds has brawled with Giants teammates (e.g., Jeff Kent, 2002; Jason Christiansen, 2005), the reporter says, is a credit to the Giants' PR machine. "There have been hints that there have been more altercations and more problems behind closed doors." To what degree Bonds's alleged steroid use has affected his performance, not to mention his moods, is anybody's guess. Ours is that at the very least, he comes by the attitude naturally.


1. Terrell Owens
Congratulations, Terrell!
(If it's any consolation, we still love you.)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO MULCH, WE SALUTE YOU

LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET

I bought one of those canisters of parmesan cheese, and on the label it says "Refrigerate After Purchase". What if I had stolen it? Would it be fresh forever? That's what I'm going to have to do next time.

Tropicana is selling a new orange juice product that claims to have "Less than 50% of the sugar and calories of our regular orange juice!" Upon closer inspection, it contains 42% juice, whereas the other OJ is 100% juice. That's right, all they did was add enough water so there was less than 50% juice, and charge you the same amount! Brilliant!


UPN + WB = CV

The UPN and WB networks have failed in their plot to take over the world--heck, they didn't even threaten FOX--and have decided to join forces and call themselves "CV". Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CRAP VISION!


WHEREFORE ART THOU, JOHN COUGAR?

First, this Indiana boy penned the most overplayed crap song in the history of the 80s, and quite possibly of all recorded musical history, a little diddy named "Jack & Diane". Then he changed his name to "Mellencamp", for some stupid reason, even though Cougar is one of the coolest rock names ever. Now this: he's doing commercials for the NCAA Tournament on CBS, featuring the song "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A." with altered lyrics. Duke, Memphis, UConn? They were rockin'! Oh lord, make it stop.

Friday, January 20, 2006

IMPORTANT OLYMPIC UPDATE

This news just in: The Olympic Opening Ceremonies will have clowns!

I just had to mention that. I wasn't going to watch the opening ceremonies for the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy, but how can I skip it now in light of that stunning news??? Plus, with HDTV, it will seem like the clowns are IN THE ROOM WITH YOU. Oh the horror.

The mascots they chose for this are predictably hideous, sort of like bizarre marshmallow headed Gumbys on crack.

'Be afraid.  Be very afraid.'"Neve": she is a gentle, kind and elegant snowball; "Gliz": he is a lively, playful ice cube. They are the two symbolic characters of the XX Olympic Winter Games. They complement each other and personify the very essence of winter sports. The mascots were born from the pencil of Pedro Albuquerque, a 38-year old Portuguese designer who won the international competition launched by the Organising Committee for the Olympic Games in Turin (TOROC) on 25 March 2003. He was inspired by his passion for water and the incredible shapes this element takes on when it is transformed into snow or ice; by his research into the Italian spirit and the places hosting the Olympic Games; by the Olympic values; and by the technical characteristics of the various sporting disciplines of the Games. "Neve" and "Gliz" reflect the spirit of the Italian Olympic event: passion, enthusiasm, culture, elegance, and love of the environment and of sport. They are the symbol of a young generation that is full of life and energy.

Oh right, that explains it. Man, I wish I had a flamethrower right about now. They should have chosen Springy!

Springy!

Wait, what kind of name is "Pedro Albuquerque"? Any relation to "Ron Mexico"?

Anyway, I heard there was going to be a lot of hockey broadcast in HD, so I can forgive them for the other crap. First, a disclaimer:

NBC HD: The Torino Games will feature the most high definition coverage in Olympic television history. For the first time, Olympic HD viewers will see a simulcast of the analog broadcast - same time, same broadcasters, same graphics - but in High Definition and in 5.1 surround sound. Figure skating, hockey, long and short track speed skating, ski jumping, freestyle aerials and moguls, and the Opening and Closing Ceremonies will all be broadcast in 1080i high definition because those venues in Torino are wired for high definition coverage by the host broadcaster. From those venues where the host broadcaster is unable to provide a high definition signal, a 16:9 signal will be upconverted by NBC. Your local NBC affiliate's digital channel will carry the high definition simulcast of the network coverage.

UNIVERSAL HD: Since USA, MSNBC and CNBC, like most cable networks, do not have high definition platforms, Universal HD, NBC Universal's high definition cable network, will carry a live simulcast of much of the cable coverage, featuring Olympic hockey like it has never been seen before.


Uh huh, okay, sounds good--in theory. Of course, a lot of this will be on in the morning over here and most of the US will miss it. Here's the hockey info/schedule:

Group A: Canada, Czech Republic, Finland, Germany, Switzerland and Italy.
Group B: Sweden, Slovakia, USA, Russia, Latvia and Kazakhstan.


All times are local (for EST, subtract six hours).

Wednesday, Feb. 15
Kazakhstan vs. Sweden, 11:30 a.m.
Italy vs. Canada, 1 p.m.
Switzerland vs. Finland, 3:30 p.m.
Germany vs. Czech Republic, 5 p.m.
Russia vs. Slovakia, 8 p.m.
Latvia vs. United States, 9 p.m.
Thursday, Feb. 16
Finland vs. Italy, Noon
Switzerland vs. Czech Republic, 1 p.m.
Sweden vs. Russia, 4 p.m.
Slovakia vs. Latvia, 5 p.m.
Canada vs. Germany, 8 p.m.
United States vs. Kazakhstan, 9 p.m.
Saturday, Feb. 18
Kazakhstan vs. Russia, 11:30 a.m.
Italy vs. Germany, 1 p.m.
Canada vs. Switzerland, 3:30 p.m.
Sweden vs. Latvia, 5 p.m.
Slovakia vs. United States, 8 p.m.
Czech Republic vs. Finland, 9 p.m.
Sunday, Feb. 19
Germany vs. Switzerland, Noon
Russia vs. Latvia, 1 p.m.
Slovakia vs. Kazakhstan, 4 p.m.
United States vs. Sweden, 5 p.m.
Czech Republic vs. Italy, 8 p.m.
Finland vs. Canada, 9 p.m.
Tuesday, Feb. 21
Latvia vs. Kazakhstan, 11:30 a.m.
Switzerland vs. Italy, 12:30 p.m.
Finland vs. Germany, 3:30 p.m.
Canada vs. Czech Republic, 4:30 p.m.
Sweden vs. Slovakia, 8 p.m.
United States vs. Russia, 8:30 p.m.
Wednesday, Feb. 22
Quarterfinal (A1-B4), 4:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (A2-B3), 5:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (B1-A4), 8:30 p.m.
Quarterfinal (B2-A3), 9:30 p.m.
**order of quarterfinal games is subject to change
Friday, Feb. 24
Semifinal, 4:30 p.m.
(winner A1-B4 vs. winner B2-A3)
Semifinal, 9 p.m.
(winner B1-A4 vs. winner A2-B3)
**order of semifinal games is subject to change
Saturday, Feb. 25
Bronze Medal Game, 8:30 p.m.
Sunday, Feb. 26
Gold Medal Game, 2 p.m.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

HIGH JEFFINITION IS FINALLY HERE

Well, a mere 11 months and 6 days since this whole thing was started, HighJeffinition is finally here! As you may or may not know, I bought the Sharp 32" widescreen LCD TV on January 7th, and although DVDs look great on it, I have been patiently waiting for some sort of HD broadcast signal to really test it out.

The bottom line: it was worth the wait.

I got the C*vision HD box yesterday, and watched a few shows in HD last night, and it looked fantastic. It's a whole different world, especially when you compare it to the SD analog channels (2-99), which look positively horrible by comparison (note: they shouldn't be allowed to call it "digital cable" since less than half of the channels are actually digital). What I didn't expect is that some shows were actually FUNNIER in HD as well, like "The Office" and "My Name Is Earl". Heck, even Jay Leno was funny last night--wait, that's crazy talk, it was probably because Albert "Hank Scorpio" Brooks was on. (The clear picture only makes you realize how garishly ugly the "Tonight Show" set is, though.)

I can't give you a "full" review because the idiots at C*vision only gave me access to the local HD channels for some reason, and none of the "digital cable" channels or the HD sports channels (the latter will be the true test, especially watching hockey in widescreen splendor). At least this weekend there are a couple of football games on local TV, and hopefully this will get this worked out in time for "The Sopranos" and the Olympics in HD, coming soon to a home theater near me.

So it looks like I'm going to host a party on Xtra-Large Game Sunday (name changed so I don't get sued), on Jeffuary 5th, 2006!!! This time, my TV will NOT have a knob.

It's an entirely different kind of watching, altogether.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

ME & MY NEPHEW

Me & My Nephew
Uncle Jeff & Brandon (5 days old).

Sunday, January 15, 2006

REMOVING YOU FROM YOUR MONEY FOR OVER 96 YEARS!

P.C. Richard & Son, a NYC based appliance/electronics/computer store, claims to be serving the area "Since 1909". What the hell were they selling in 1909? I think that when they opened their doors 96 years ago, we would have to rule out most major appliances, computers, and much of what currently runs on electricity. I was envisioning a typical sale at the store in the early years:

"So Jeremiah, this two-way telegraph appears to be of superior construct, I shall purchase it. But whatever shall I do if it craps out in a mere six months time?"

"Silas, your concern is most credible. For a mere pittance of not more than 50% of the retail price, we can augment the warantee until after the harvest, if it pleases you."

"A capital idea, this 'extended warantee' of which you speak. Apply said charge to my order, for nothing can be lost with such insurance! When are those new kinetophones due to arrive?"

"Sadly, Edison has suspended work on them. However, might I interest you in something the General Electric Corporation has named an 'infrared radiation electric toasting machine', which heats and browns slices of bread in a most appealing way to compliment one's morning tea."

"Outstanding! Prithee, do you carry such a machine in blue, to match my drapes?"

Friday, January 13, 2006

WIE MADE THE CUT?


by Rob Vertullo

Rich Beem talking to Sean O’Hair:

“Did Wei make the cut?”

“No, but we made the cut.”

“Yes or no?”

“What?”

“Did Wei make the cut?”

“Yes we made the cut, but Wei didn’t make the cut.”

“Is Wei playing this weekend?”

“ARE we playing this weekend?”

“That’s what I’m asking!”

“You’re asking what?”

“If Wei is playing this weekend.”

“If we ARE playing this weekend.”

(well, you see where I’m going with this)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

#4

Jagr Mastered
"When he goes into the Hockey Hall of Fame,
it should read, 'The toughest guy who ever
played the game.'"
-Devils forward John Madden.

The Rangers/MSG Network has been doing this "11 Days of Messier" thing, leading up to the retiring of the Captain's New York Rangers #11 jersey on January 12, 2006. This got me thinking, what would it take to get a "4 Days of Stevens" for retired New Jersey Devils defenseman Scott Stevens? Well, they must have read this blog, because the New Jersey Devils are retiring his #4 on February 3, 2006 (although I hadn't posted this yet, so what the hell?) On teams that stressed physical play and lacked any true superstars, Captain Scott Stevens meant that meant more to the Devils than Messier meant to the Rangers. I know what you're saying, but hear me out. Obviously, they can't be compared from a scoring standpoint, since one was mostly a center and the other a defenseman, but let's look at what each did for his team while on the ice (the plus/minus ratings). Allow me to break it down.

* Before joining the Rangers, in 12 years with the Edmonton Oilers, Messier won 5 Stanley Cups (one without the Great One) in 12 playoff years, with a +59 rating in the postseason. During his 10 years with New York Rangers, he won 1 Cup and went to the playoffs 5 times, with a -9 postseason rating.

* Before joining the Devils, in 8 years with the Washington Capitals, Stevens did not win a Cup in 8 playoff years, with a -2 postseason rating. During his 13 years with the Devils, he won 3 Cups in 11 playoff years, with a +33 postseason rating.

* Overall, Messier was +210 for his career, while Stevens was a +377.

* They have each won a Conn Smythe Award.

* Messier once verbally guaranteed a win in the playoffs vs. the Devils. Stevens silently guaranteed a Devils playoff series victory by knocking Eric Lindros out and ending his season, and subsequently his career with the Flyers.

Stevens was here

* Stevens won the Alka-Seltzer Plus award in 1994. Messier never won this coveted award (although he won the Hart Trophy in 1990 and 1992).

* Messier had a coach named Stevens, and Stevens had a coach named Messier.

Okay, not sure about that last one, but you get the idea. All I'm saying here is that the Rangers were a talented team that would have probably ended their 54 year long Cup drought without Messier. Conversely, the Devils would not have won 3 Cups without Stevens, with his unparalled physical defensive style and space-time-continuum-damaging hitting prowess. Now on February 3rd, we get to give this quintessential Devil his due, as they lift his retired number #4 to the rafters of the Meadowlands Arena, the House that Stevens Built.
The Captain & The Cup

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

KICKING OFF AUGHT SIX!

It's finally here, the biggest day for the BCS, and I'm not talking about the British Cardiac Society! It's the NCAA Division I-A Men's Football Bowl Championship Series National Championship at the Rose Bowl, an epic matchup featuring two explosive undefeated teams, USC vs. Texas . . . and I can't stay up to watch it because it's on a Wednesday! The whole BCS bowl thing is an abortion. The NCAA plays every single one of their regular season football games on Saturday, yet the bowl games are all over the freaking map. And they drag these stupid games out, so it will probably end at infinity in the morning.

In simpler times, all of the bowl games were shown on January 1st, which would have worked out perfectly for me (and others who had the 2nd off), since I wasn't really doing anything besides fighting off a hangover. But this year we had two BCS bowls (Cotton, Fiesta) on January 2nd, the Orange Bowl last night, and now the Rose Bowl. Seriously, by the time I get to the end of the bowl season (which started around Halloween), I'm exhausted. And at the end of all this nonsense, there's no guarantee that we'll declare a unanimous champion! That's right, it's just as pathetic as boxing, only it's a sport people actually still care about. All they'd need is one more game, a final pitting the #1 vs. #4 and #2 vs. #3 winners, and it would be solved (instead, they're adding a fifth bowl for the lesser teams, which is pointless and doesn't solve the problem). But we're stuck with this, since the current system is prolonged by those fatcats who want to keep raking in their Bowl bucks, thus killing any chance of there being a clear cut winner in the final game every year. And furthermore, why does every freaking game need a halftime concert? Just go take a piss, get another beer, and sit back down because they're kicking off!!!

Anyway, I can't be more excited to get a good night's sleep and find out the score tomorrow.
_______________________________________________________
I'll say it again: God Bless The Onion.
Plans to Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results
_______________________________________________________
Circuit City is proud to announce their "Inventory Blowout!" So wouldn't you think that would mean "lower prices"? Well, guess again, smart shopper! Because the LCD TV that I've been planning on purchasing actually INCREASED in price since Jan. 1st. So I guess it just means, "We're getting rid of our inventory, whether or not we actually sell anything!"
_______________________________________________________

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

All Is Quiet [on new years eve]


Yeah, ok, the title sucks, whatever.

Anyway, since Vertullo didn't post this, nor did Jeff, I decided to pick up the slack.

Guys, this is kind of a flat photo; it doesn't do justice to all the naked chicks that were just on our laps - too bad the bartender didn't get them in the photo. Oh well, Mr. Guinness made multiple appearances, that's the most important part.