BLOGARBAGE: BOTH ARMS WELCOME

This is a collection of garbage (or as my 2 year old nephew calls it, "garboop") that doesn't really belong in its own post, but also doesn't belong in my head. It's BLOGARBAGE!

Because of my illustrious job, I get generic drug prescriptions for free (the one and only perk). However, this time around I got an antibiotic from Watson, probably made by disgruntled employees at the Carmel, NY plant (where I used to work). As Rob said, hopefully these were made before the plant closing announcement and employees found out their jobs are being outsourced to India. That doesn't change the fact that I feel like my innards were scrubbed clean with a wire brush.

I think that in order to be an authentic Def Leppard tribute band, you should be required to have a one-armed drummer. However, this is not a sticking point forDef Repplica according to their want ad: Required to wear detailed costume/accessories to visually simulate Rick Allen as close as possible, both arms welcome."

I understand having 40 coffee places in the mall: you want everyone to be well caffeinated (is there second-hand caffeination?) while they're shopping. But do we really need 3 soft pretzel vendors? The Palisades Mall has Auntie Anne's, Pretzel Time and Wetzel's Pretzels, for some unknown reason. Auntie Anne's is by far the best one, probably because each bite contains a pound of rich creamery butter. The other two can close down and make way for more cell phone vendors, which we also don't need.

Despite what Bud Light's commercials tell me, I am NEVER typing in "dudemadness" into my browser. One spelling error will direct you to gay porn. Actually, that might not be worse than Bud Light (according to unnamed sources).

The detestable word "bling" was used in the headline of an article about Sarkozy in the Wall Street Journal. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the word is officially dead. Oh, and the WSJ, now owned by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp, is also dead to me.

Something I found out about China: the men prefer the women to have flat asses, and even have surgical procedures to reduce their ass size. Good to know they're just as fucked up as we are.

Google GMail chat calls their little animated smiley faces "emotisprites". I didn't think I could hate a word more than that.

I used to defend the state commonwealth of Massachusetts by saying, "Eh, it's not bad. Cape Cod's pretty, and Boston's a nice town . . ." and then I ran out of steam. But after sitting in traffic on the Mass Pike at 10 PM on a Sunday night, I had an epiphany: I have no fucking use for Massachusetts. What have they ever given us? The Kennedys? Big fucking deal. Everything they provide, some other nearby state does better. Restaurants? New York. Taxes? New Hampshire. Beaches? Maine. Skiing? Vermont. Historical landmarks? Philadelphia. Sports radio? Anywhere. Boston is run by a marble mouthed moron, the Big Dig project was a giant disaster plagued by cost overruns, accidents and corruption, the average ticket price for a ballame at Fenway costs over $50, and after you drive past Worcester it's a complete wasteland. And Mass drivers are the worst, as they combine the erratic style of New York drivers and the reckless speed of New Jersey drivers. Seriously, screw the Bay State and all the Massholes in it. (You know who you are; if you laughed at this, you're not a Masshole.)

I just heard someone say that their family traditionally eats rabbit on Easter Sunday. Really? I'm going to guess that the same family doesn't allow their kids to believe in the Easter bunny, otherwise they'd be scarred for life. "Remember when I said the Easter bunny delivered all that candy? Well, as he was trying to hop out of the house, I shot him dead, skinned him and threw him in the oven. Man, he sure looks tasty! EAT UP, KIDS!"

On that note allow me to leave you with a commercial, because I have nothing else to add. It's a classic M&M's commercial from the 80s.



Thanks Easter Bunny! Bock bock!

WEEKLY TOP 10: iRAGE!

This format is kind of fun when I can't think of a reason to do a full blog post. So here I go again, on my own, with another lame list.

10. Don't you hate when you start the day off with your underwear all bunched up and not quite on straight, and for the rest of the day it just doesn't feel right?

9. Jill Nicolini, who does the CW11 New York traffic report, posed for Playboy back in 2001 (NSFW) as "Jill Nikki". I'll never watch the news the same way again. That is, with my pants on.

8. Among other things, it's nice to know that the The Chinese also make crappy tires, which so far have killed 2 people leading to the recall of 450,000 tires. The best news: this company makes tires for Yokohoma, which are the crap tires on my car (one blew out with only 4000 miles on it--coincedence?).

This news comes hot on the heels of the killer pet food debacle, child toys discovered made with lead paint, and now the closure of 180 food plants for safety violations--is there anything they can't screw up? This sentence from a NY Times article neatly sums it up: "The incidents are the latest indications that cutting corners or producing fake goods is not just a legacy of China’s initial rush toward the free market three decades ago but still woven into the fabric of the nation’s thriving industrial economy." Oh boy.

7. My current favorite porn star name: Bolivia Samsonite. What the hell? Were all the good ones taken? And what if your luggage is lost on the way back from South America? That would be quite an eye-opening Google search.

6. This is quite possibly the ugliest hockey uniform I've ever seen: it's the Sheffield Steelers, from the British Elite Ice Hockey League (which I had no idea even existed):
Ugh, I bet when you buy that jersey they give you a free bowl of soup. I almost chose the Coors Belfast Giants because of the hideous color scheme/ginormous Coors ads, but they've redesigned their jerseys and they'll probably be much better--nah, they'll still be hideous. Oh, and there are no goalies in this league, only "netminders".

5. Protesters torch Iran gas stations. Huh, that's interesting. Maybe the country will destroy itself, and save us the hassle. Let me guess: this will somehow make the price of gas skyrocket just in time for the 4th of July!

4. Geeks die of heat stroke waiting for iPods. Okay, this hasn't happened . . . yet. This is my official last post about Apple / iPhone / iPod / iCrap. Here's my favorite part of the NY Times review of the iPhone:

"Making a call, though, can take as many as six steps: wake the phone, unlock its buttons, summon the Home screen, open the Phone program, view the Recent Calls or speed-dial list, and select a name."

Six steps? By that time, I'll forget what I was calling about. In other words, it's a phone that's not very convenient to use as a phone. Wait, it's called the iPHONE--phone is right in the NAME!

The thing is if it were any other company announcing they were releasing a cool phone, say Nokia or Samsung, I'd be okay with it. But Apple (and their fanbase) is just so damn smug about it that you almost root for them to fail. They're nothing but a shrewd company who has successfully brainwashed millions convincing them to purchase their overpriced, hip consumer electronics. Sure, their gadgets are fairly well designed and packed with innovative technology, but spending $600 on an iPhone will not validate your existence. Thanks. I'm done.

3. I am currently reading "Innocent When You Dream", an excellent compendium of Tom Waits interviews and articles from 1974-2005. I've flipped through it the last few days and read different parts of it and it's already eminently quotable. Here's an excerpt from a pre-Rain Dogs interview (p. 88) where he talks about New York City:

"When you see a leg come out of a cab with a $150 stocking and a $700 shoe and step in a pool of blood, piss, and beer left by a guy who died a half hour before and is now lying cold somewhere on a slab, you just take it all in. But it doesn't really apply anywhere else. I don't know how you go from New York to anywhere else. It's like being in a very bizarre branch of the service. "I was in four years." I read that there's a barge that goes out into the Atlantic with all the limbs from all the hospitals, and it got into a storm and capsized, and all the limbs washed up on Jones Beach. People were swimming and all of a sudden things got a little odd, a little dark. You've got to love it here, though."

I might have to make this a regular OH blog feature, "Tom Waits quote of the week".

2. The Pocono Record is known for its hard-hitting journalism; well, in a perfect world it would be. Just check out this article, which would make the New York Post editors blush:

LAP DANCING ON GOLF COURSE ANGERS NEIGHBORS; WITH GRAPHIC VIDEO

How can you NOT click on that? (Note to self: get subscription to this newspaper.) I love the long haired guy teeing off in the middle of it--how could you possibly hit a nice drive under those conditions? And I've been to Stroudsburg and sweet Jebus, there's not a damn thing to do up there--let them have a little fun.

My favorite line from the police cops, of course: "This is an ongoing investigation." Probably followed by: "We may have to deploy several officers to CR Fanny's Gentleman's Club to investigate, and the fact-finding process may take several months or even years. Yes, I am aware that the establishment's name is a ribald pun." Personally, I'm appalled by the fact that they had "threesomes". Everyone knows that for a golf outing everyone should be in FOURSOMES. I find it disgusting and offensive that no one follows golf etiquette.

1. T-Shirt of the Week: twoeightnine's MASSHOLE (you know who you are).