DON'T BE A RETARD: USE OUR PHONE SERVICE

Seriously, you don't have to speak french to understand this ad.



Apparently the Down Syndrome person, Pascal Duquenne, is a known actor in France. But come on...the subtext is blatant.

MICHAEL JACKSON: CRAZY LIKE A FOX

I'm not going to say much: I didn't really care about Michael Jackson in life and don't really care in death.
He did help make a good Simpsons episode though:

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

Who know how long this video will last on teh youtubes before Murdoch's hordes come along and tear it down...

BANDWAGON JUMPING 101 HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID I JUST SEE THAT?

I watch Soccer (football of the European persuasion) from time to time. I watch big matches. When I get free tickets, I go see the Bordeaux team (CHAMPIONS OF FRANCE!).

I watched maybe 20 minutes of the USA's match against Brazil in the group matches. I saw a team that was confused beyond belief and watched Brazil score 2 goals (of their eventual 3-0 pasting of the US).

I read (but did not see) that the US had gone through to the semi-final in the Confederation's Cup because the Egyptians were beat up by a bunch of South African Whores.

I knew the game was tonight, so why not watch them lose to Spain.

Spain: Reigning European Champions.
Spain: The #1 ranked team in the world
Spain: The team that hasn't lost in 35 straight games.
Spain: A disaster waiting to happen.

I was out and picked up at 48 minutes, with the US leading 1-0. The Spaniards were pressing. It's just a matter of time before they put one, then two in the back of Tim Howard's net. It was fun while it lasted.

74th minute: Whoa, what's this, the US is attacking. Oh fuck, bad pass in front of the net. Sergio Ramos, controls...Sergio Ramos gets made the biggest ass in sports today. BOOM! Clint Dempsey fucks up Spain with a icing goal.

What? We have to play 15 more minutes...Ugh.

Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.
[1 minute later] Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.

What the fuck is going on?

86th minute: Spanish control in front...Bradley steps out...tackles...Ugh...ok, free kick. Oh shit, he's going for his card...Ok, yellow card. Whatev...WHAT THE FUCK. RED CARD? FOR THAT? FUCK YOU! Seriously, that was the weakest red card I've ever seen.

But...The US has confidence now, brought on by a 2-0 lead...Killing time and (finally) 90+3 minutes. FUCK YOU SPAIN.

Now the US will get to lose to the Brazilians again...or not...yeah, they'll lose.

Holy fucking shit.

(UPDATE: This song should sum it up)

THIS BLOG'S (INTER)NET WORTH

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

I think this blog is worthless, but Technorati disagrees to the tune of $2,822.70. You may pay me in alcohol.

STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.



'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

CONGRATULATIONS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS

What can you say? The Penguins did it, and in dramatic fashion: they forced a Game 7 and won it on the road (first team since the 1971 Canadiens to do that) to claim the Cup. The final was a hard fought, close match-up, with no little controversy or nonsense, and the clinching game was a one goal thriller. That's all you can ask for as a hockey fan.

As for Sidney Crosby, I am genuinely happy for him, and you can count me as one of the hockey fans who will always root for him. He showed great leadership in this postseason, and let's not forget, he's only 21. Good lord. What the hell was I doing in my 21st summer? Taking a crappy ecology course at Rutgers so I could graduate college on time, and hoisting a lot of pints of Guinness. Meanwhile, this Kid is hoisting the ultimate hardware above his head.

In the end, this team didn't even need him (due to an injury in the 2nd, he only skated one shift in the 3rd), as the defense was rock solid, Mad Max Talbot scored two opportunistic goals and Flower didn't wilt under the pressure, even tallying a nice save against Lidstrom in the final second.

Evgeni Malkin earned the Conn Smythe by doing everything you could ask for in the playoffs (14 G, 22 A, 36 points in 24 games). Wait a second, who is his little Russian friend there with the polka-dotted bra? And honestly, who wears a Winnipeg Jets sweater to a Detroit game?



But hockey is, and always will be, a true team sport. In the end, this Penguins squad overcame 2-0 and 3-2 deficits to win it all without Sid or Geno scoring a goal in the last 3 games. That says a lot right there.

Oh, one other thing: SUCK IT MARIANNE!



The look on his face as the Penguins celebrate a goal is priceless. You can almost hear him saying, like GOB on Arrested Development, "I've made a huge mistake." Obviously, the Stanley Cup favorite next year is whomever he's playing against.

Additionally, not even NBCFUCKINGSPORTS could foul this up, and even let a few f-bombs drop onto their live broadcast during the celebration (yeah, I think they should know by now to keep the boom mikes at a safe distance). Honorable mention goes to my DVR, which allowed me to completely breeze by their intermission shows.

And in spite of the fact that the NHL runs the sport, we saw some great hockey this year. In closing, you have to love this Pens fan's sign: "HOSSA, THE ONLY CUP YOU'LL TOUCH IS ZETTERBERG'S".



CONGRATULATIONS, SIDSBURGH!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH

Leave it to the Japanese to combine "English language lessons with gymnastic exercise programs". Below are two videos that were made in 1992 by someone or something called Zuiikin' English, probably directed by the same person who made the Mr. Sparkle commercials.

I don't think I'll ever understand the Japanese.