Friday, July 27, 2007


10. I hate walking across a parking lot, and you step on that blacktop fixer stuff and it squishes under your feet.

9. Things that shouldn't be: another X-Files movie.

8. Things that should be: a Mr. Show movie (confirmed by Paul F. Tompkins to be in the works).

7. Things I don't give a shit about: an NBA refereeing scandal, since the entire sport is unwatchable horseshit anyway.

6. Things that make me laugh: This Marlon Brando interview from a TIME magazine from 1976. They were already saying "most of his movies are awful", and this was pre-"The Island of Dr. Moreau", and before he discovered "A Streetcar Named Dessert".

5. This week, 3 of the Top 10 Billboard chart albums were by pretty damn good bands: #2 Smashing Pumpkins, #4 Interpol and #9 Spoon. Question: why release all those indie rock albums in one week? Bon Jovi and Linkin Park were also in there, making it 5 out of 10 albums that were not rap/R&B/pop related. So rock is not dead, it's just really sleepy.

4. I got an automated voice message from the New Jersey Devils trying to get me to buy tickets to go to Newark. Here's an idea: how about you pay ME?

3. Things I should read more of: Modern Drunkard Magazine.

2. Well, if a filthy stinkin' Euro had to win the Open, at least it's Padraig Harrington, and not Los Pantalones Feos. I even said, in one of my famous blognostications, he'd win the 2006 Open and "drink Guinness out of the Claret jug". So I'm ahead of the curve, and not dead wrong. Just so you know.

1. Reasons to visit Kate "Confessions of a Weathergirl" Bilo.

Hey, I've got a high pressure system . . . in my PANTS!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


This was one of the funniest things I saw at the Bad Art Auction was the, uhm, premiere (I guess) of the Zach Galifianakis video for Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing".

Now that's funny! Definitely funnier than the Kanye/Mike Myers video.

Filmed on Zach's farm in North Carolina, Will Oldham (aka Bonnie "Prince" Billy) plays his sidekick. Also check out Fiona Apple's "Not About Love".

Friday, July 20, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


10. I don't think there's really anything in those bottles of "Shower Clean" spray. It's just rubbing alcohol laced with a stimulant that smells like fresh flowers that insures that you will continue to be a happy consumer. Well I say, fight the power! Put the Arm & Hammer down!

9. GQ and Esquire magazines each have their strengths and weaknesses, but they're each irritating enough that I can't subscribe to either of them. Maybe they can combine forces, cut out the crap and become EsGQuire. Good article in an otherwise useless golf article in GQ: "If you attend a tournament and the guy next to you shouts "Get in the hole!", punch him in the face."

8. Don Cheadle may star in a biopic about Miles Davis, and I would definitely sign on for that, especially since he is wary of (and is trying to steer clear of) the Hollywoodified pseudo-bios "Walk The Line" and "Ray". (Every time I see that scene where Johnny Cash, after a tense Thanksgiving dinner with his family at his new house, tries to start the tractor to garner his father's approval, I think "THERE'S NO WAY THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!!") Meanwhile, if you haven't seen it yet, go rent "Hotel Rwanda", because that stuff actually happened, and worse is happening in Darfur as we speak/blog. Good thing my elected representatives have been discussing what can be done with this situation. What? They haven't? Well, that's fantastic.

7. If you're going to sell a "blueberry" muffin, I'd prefer if you told me that there were also artificially colored and flavored non-fruit bits in there. I cut into said muffin and found some unnatural looking blueish/purplish coloring inside which looked like the shade of my car's paint. I ate half of it, and after I realized that it had the fake flavor of Nerds candy, I threw the rest out.

6. Great word I saw on Onion AV Club: "Smurfian", used to describe a high man to woman ratio (Smurfette's dilemma). As in: "Let's get out of here, the proportions in this bar have become too Smurfian."

5. I saw a cover photo of some female "socialite" on a snooty magazine the other day with the name TINSLEY MORTIMER. Sheesh. You can't even make up a name more ridiculously high-class WASPy than that. Just for shits and giggles I did a Google search, and now I completely hate myself for reading this profile about her. Here's a choice passage:

"Tinsley first made her way into photographed New York society as an accompaniment to Topper’s sister Minnie."

Apparently, all she's ever accomplished in life is getting married to a wealthy douchebag nicknamed "Topper" and getting a lot of pictures taken of her. So fucking what? Even more sickening are the people who actually care, and worship these rich and famous nobodies. Seriously, this country needs to stop focusing on this vacuous nonsense and fix its priorities.

4. I'm having trouble getting excited about The Open Championship, but I do like saying "Carnoustie". Say it with me: CAR-NOOO-STEE! Slip it into conversation as many times as you can this weekend. Although I won't doing an Extravaganza Preview this time around, I will give you a bonus blognostication for the 136th Open: a Frenchman will not win this year.

3. I don't know which I hate more: ironic T-shirts, or those who wear them. While in Manhattan the other night I saw a hipster doofus wearing a GOONIES T-shirt. Oh I see, it's a crap movie that came out before you were born that you're pretending to like--ha ha, very funny! But at the end of the day you're WEARING A FUCKING GOONIES T-SHIRT, YOU ANNOYING PANSY. Of course, I haven't shopped in the city in quite some time, so it's very possible that they don't sell anything BUT ironic T-shirts. It also looks like city hipsters can't afford to pay rent AND buy razor blades, judging by the awful collection of porn mustaches and hideous beards I had to endure.

2. Since the Mets have decided to call their new ballpark "Citi Field", how about we call it "Debits Field" instead? Get it?

1. I never thought I'd see this in my lifetime: a Rutgers football team prominently featured in a EA Sports videogame.

Now they just need to put the Rutgers Golf Course on a disc and I won't have to get off the couch.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


From the Simpsons Movie site, I don't know if this avatar looks anything like me, but here it is:

Then I tried out the Simpsonize Me site (which crashed my computer at work), and this is pretty damn funny:


Meanwhile, here's movie trailer #3:

Simpsons Movie (Official Site)
Simpsonize Me [Krusty Burger King site]

Monday, July 16, 2007


I never win anything: contests, sports, lotteries, card games, hot girlfriends--you name it. But thanks to The Onion AV Club's "The Hater" website, I won free tickets, and all I had to do was send in the most irritating photo of Eva Longoria I could find. My hatred for "Desperate Housewives" (a show I've never even seen) finally paid off! It placed me on the guest list for the New York Magazine's Bad Art Auction, featuring host Zach Galifianakis and Band of Horses.

What a great idea for an event: auctioning off truly hideous art pieces for charity. Zach Galifianakis kicked off the festivities with about 20 minutes of his unique self-deprecating comedy ("I don't need this shit, I was in Corky Romano!"), as he welcomed everyone to the Panda Express (the Hiro Ballroom was decorated in an Asian theme), a tiny room that fit only about 500 people which made for an intimate show/auction/concert/thingy.

The bearded and bitingly sarcastic Zach then served as a brutally funny and not-at-all-skillful auctioneer for the Bad Art Auction for the New York Cares charity (or "New York Who Cares?" as he put it). And man, there was some seriously shitty art sold that night. The first item up for bidding was "Girl with Ostrich Head" and went down hill from there, including a weird Elton John lookalike throwing a discus, and an original painting of Richard "Don't let the mustache fool ya, I ain't no queer" Petty, which sold for an astonishing $500. As it turned out, it wasn't original at all, because mere minutes later he sold another one (though he gave both to the girl who overpaid for the first one). "Electroindierocker" Moby was also there to contribute a complete piece of crap from his own collection: a Porky Pig painting from Mexico that had an inflatable bladder behind it that you could blow up. Really.

But little did I know that the battle of the beards was just about to begin. Band of Horses somehow crammed six bearded musicians onto the tiny stage and played for an hour to close out the evening, the most spectacularly bearded of the band being lead singer Ben Bridwell. I don't know what else to say except that they rocked, even playing a few new tunes from their upcoming album. Someone told me that they were bad live, but this tight set proved them wrong. This craptacular 30 second video I shot shows that I was so close that the speakers blew out my camera's shitty little microphone (it's "Wicked Gil" in case you can't hear it, duh).

It was a fun night and well worth the trip downtown, even though I couldn't afford to buy any shitty art for my apartment. And hey, it was free.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


I started writing a blog post for to celebrate the 10th anniversary (7/1/1997) of this influential album two weeks ago, but life got in the way. For those of you brave souls that really want to read my lengthy praise of it (for once, it's not a rant!), go visit The Dump. Meanwhile, here's the video for a track off the album called "No Surprises". It neatly illustrates the song's narrator who describes his longing to leave his living-in-a-fishbowl existence ("A job that slowly kills you"--ha!) by literally putting singer Thom Yorke's head in a glass bowl and filling it with water. Mr. Yorke is not an attractive frontman, a shortcoming which is magnified during the 1 minute in which his head is submerged. Wow, that lazy eye is even more stunning.

Last year Easy Star All-Stars released a complete version of the album. Here's their excellent cover of "Subterranean Homesick Alien".

(I also recommend their Dub Side of the Moon (2003), which (I hope) is self-explanatory.)

Radiohead "No Surprises" [YouTube]
Easy Star All-Stars Radiodread [Amazon]
Radiohead 7 Television Commercials [Amazon]
Radiohead OK COMPUTER [Amazon]

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


10. Best Simpsons Character Ever? Homer is obviously the best character, but after him I'd have to go with Moe.

9. A big "fuck you" goes out to NBC Universal, who has been sending out "anti-pirating" notices to Optimum Online customers that have "uploaded copyrighted content" to prevent people from "file sharing". Notice how they don't actually accuse anyone of "downloading", and personally I only acquire these files when I've missed an episode, and I delete them immediately afterwards. However, the way file sharing (using bit torrent) works, this means you don't even have to have an entire usable file to be accused of "piracy" and have your cable modem priviledges revoked, which in my book is complete bullshit. Also, doesn't NBC-U realize that this means people are actually interested in their stupid shows? Well, it looks like I won't be tuning into any of your new shows. Imbeciles.

8. Which is creepier: massive amounts of bandwidth devoted to pictures of 17 year old Emma Watson, or 17 year old Hayden Panettiere? Or the fact that I'm linking to them?

7. On MovieMap you can input your favorite movie and it recommends others that you might like. It just so happens that close to my favorite movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark" on the map are "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "The Empire Strikes Back", which are also two of my all-time favorites. Also, "The Incredibles" and "Decline and Fall of Western Civilization" are close by, as are "Caddyshack" and "Animal House", which I also love. So I guess this means I have to check out "Now, Voyager" and "The Quiet Man".

6. I played with the Nintendo Wii this weekend, which my cousin Heather brought over. Even though the graphics aren't great, it more than makes up for it with the inventive wireless remote controllers and the immersive interactivity of the games. The best games are Wii Tennis (from Wii Sports) and Tiger Woods PGA Tour (though it's nearly as frustrating as real golf). The most unique thing about the system, the motion-sensing "Wiimotes", is also its biggest problem, since the wild motions people make while playing the game can cause injuries (e.g. my sister hit my niece in the head, and my shoulder is sore from playing tennis).

5. Running up that hill: Carlos Beltran's game-saving catch was great, especially since it took place with a man on 3rd in the 14th inning (a ridiculously long game which the Mets won in 5-3 in the 17th).

4. Bill "Boston Sports Guy" Simmons is simultaneously a douchebag and a genius for live blogging the 2007 NHL Draft a few weeks ago. On one hand, he's really smarmy and sarcastic about the state of the league (even though his beloved NBA took a bigger ratings drop this year than the NHL did), but overall he puts the emphasis on how much Bettman sucks. And that's all you can ask for from an ESPN employee.

3. Speaking of, this Situationist article is interesting: "Negative Press: Is ESPN Killing the National Hockey League by Influencing Public Attitudes?" My short answer is that ESPN sure isn't helping, but Bettman is doing most of it himself. Did I mention Bettman sucks?

2. If you really want to hate the final episode of "The Sopranos", just read TV critic Bob Harris' article: Tony Soprano didn’t just get whacked; he practically got a funeral. A key quote:

"In Catholicism, administration of the Eucharist in the moments before death is known as Viaticum, derived in part from the Latin for...'Journey.'"

That's right, he's alluding to the group who sang the fucking power ballad used in the final scene. This is what happens when people try too hard to defend an awful series finale: you end up with this overwrought analysis.

1. We just had our annual "Diversity and Harassment" training, and I couldn't help but think of G.O.B.'s speech from Arrested Development:

I like this presentation much better.

Monday, July 2, 2007


Steve Aragon, 30, gets ready to take a picture of his sons Giovanni, 7, and Esteban, 4, outside the 7-Eleven in Burbank, Calif. Monday, July 2, 2007. Over the weekend, 7-Eleven Inc. turned a dozen stores into Kwik-E-Marts, the fictional convenience stores of the television show
They're here: the 7-Eleven stores converted into Kwik-E Marts! The U.S. locations are New York City (42nd Street in Midtown), Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Burbank, Los Angeles and Mountain View, CA, Henderson, NV, Orlando, FL, Seattle, and Bladensburg, MD. I might not make it to the NYC store, although most of the stores will be selling some of the Simpsons related products. But alas, there will be no Duff beer.

The picture I included is pretty pathetic actually, since Comic Book Guy looks skinny compared to that guy. Here's another photo gallery of a Kwik-E Mart in Southern California. (With real live Simpsons look-a-likes! Huh?). I love the "5 Minute Parking - Violators Will Be Executed" and "Buy 3 for the price of 3" signage. Here's a short homemade video of the store in Maryland:

Who needs the Kwik-E Mart? I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In another cross-promotional moment, the MLB All-Star Game commercials feature Jimmy Rollins eating a pink frosted donut after looking at "The Simpsons Movie" ad (check the video at 0:34, if you can make it past the initial shot of the giant headed Giants player).


At the Nevele
There's so much to do
You can play some golf
We've got golf for you
Did we mention golf?
You can play golf too

(Yeah, that's a winter commercial from 1980, but what a catchy jingle!)

As it turns out, there's nothing much to do besides play golf at the Nevele Grande, a Catskill resort which is long past its heyday (aren't they all?). The golf course itself is in okay shape, but it's nothing to write home about. There's also a good chance you'll get matched up with some older players; personally, we were joined on the front nine by an affable older gentleman, Jerry Atrick. (Get it?)

Since it's not a long course anyway you slice (or hook) it, we decided to play the back tees (6532 yards, par 70). Oddly enough, what made it long is the fact that all of the par 3s are over 200 yards. We must be the only ones who play from these tees, because by the time we got to the 17th hole the markers that indicate where to tee off from had completely disappeared! It's as if the grounds crew (if there is one, we didn't see anyone out on the course) had just given up, and we don't blame them. The only good thing was that we pretty much had the place to ourselves after the 3rd hole and were finished in 3½ hours, something that just doesn't happen on a Saturday morning in the greater NYC area. (Thanks to the starter for getting us out there "before the Orientals". His words, not mine.)

However, the highlight of the day (and a testament to my genius) was our visit to the Gilded Otter Brewery in New Paltz, NY. It was really easy to find after a short drive over the Shawanagunk Mountains right at the western edge of the town. As you enter the two-story building, you are greeted by the actual steel tanks prominently placed inside the middle of the restaurant and behind the large bar. They served up tasty bar food and even tastier brews, especially the Hefeweisen. The hoppy Three Pines IPA, and the smooth Dusseldorf Altbier (brown ale) were also very good. It almost made me forget the nine balls I lost on the back 9.


Although I'm a bit of a geek at times, I don't think I'm a "fanboy" of anything. I would never buy any Apple products or Star Trek box sets, and I hate Star Wars geeks almost as much as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog does. But I'm going to admit something: I'm really psyched for the new Indiana Jones movie.

Filming of the 4th Indiana Jones movie is underway, and it just so happens that this week Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford themselves are filming a scene from the movie in New Haven, Connecticut, in and around the Yale University campus. The movie is set in 1957, and they've spared no expense and dressed up a couple of blocks with old cars and vintage accessories to make it look authentic. SPOILER ALERT: they're filming a motorcycle chase scene. But since every Indy movie so far has had a motorcycle chase scene, that's not really much of a spoiler. As much as I'd like to go check it out, sites like the Indiana Jones 4 - Movie Chronicles save me from having to go there myself. Although maybe Spielberg himself will see me, and say, "My good man, I like the cut of your jib, how would you like to be in MOTION PICTURES? Harrison, hit the bricks, we have a new Indy!" Uhm, probably not.

After a 19 year absence it should be interesting to see 64 year old Harrison Ford reprise this role, even if it will be a bit like watching my dad running around fighting Nazis. (However, he looks pretty damn good in this picture.) The original was released 26 years ago and just happens to be my favorite movie, so you can pencil me in to see this in May 2008. There's no way it can live up to the original, but hopefully it will be more Last Crusade, less Temple of Doom. Although Spielberg has a decent track record, after the unwatchable trilogy of crap that was those new Star Wars movies, I just hope Lucas doesn't fudge this up.

So does it make me a "fanboy" because I want to see a sequel to one of the greatest action movies of all-time (and AFI's 60th best American movie)? I don't even know what that word even means; it's just another convenient and handy label, as people can use this to immediately jump to conclusions about you and ridicule you. I suppose it's not enough to just be a "fan" anymore, you have to do it to the EXTREME: blogs, websites, fan fiction, forums, ad nauseum.

But unlike most of these young whippersnapper fans who were weined on the DVD box set, or forced to like the movie by their parents, I saw the original in the movie theater more times that I can count. And of course, I did dress up as Indiana Jones for Halloween. Okay, so maybe I AM a Indy fanboy geek nerd. Look out, it's INDIANA JEFF!