WEEKLY TOP 10:

10. I don't think there's really anything in those bottles of "Shower Clean" spray. It's just rubbing alcohol laced with a stimulant that smells like fresh flowers that insures that you will continue to be a happy consumer. Well I say, fight the power! Put the Arm & Hammer down!

9. GQ and Esquire magazines each have their strengths and weaknesses, but they're each irritating enough that I can't subscribe to either of them. Maybe they can combine forces, cut out the crap and become EsGQuire. Good article in an otherwise useless golf article in GQ: "If you attend a tournament and the guy next to you shouts "Get in the hole!", punch him in the face."

8. Don Cheadle may star in a biopic about Miles Davis, and I would definitely sign on for that, especially since he is wary of (and is trying to steer clear of) the Hollywoodified pseudo-bios "Walk The Line" and "Ray". (Every time I see that scene where Johnny Cash, after a tense Thanksgiving dinner with his family at his new house, tries to start the tractor to garner his father's approval, I think "THERE'S NO WAY THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!!") Meanwhile, if you haven't seen it yet, go rent "Hotel Rwanda", because that stuff actually happened, and worse is happening in Darfur as we speak/blog. Good thing my elected representatives have been discussing what can be done with this situation. What? They haven't? Well, that's fantastic.

7. If you're going to sell a "blueberry" muffin, I'd prefer if you told me that there were also artificially colored and flavored non-fruit bits in there. I cut into said muffin and found some unnatural looking blueish/purplish coloring inside which looked like the shade of my car's paint. I ate half of it, and after I realized that it had the fake flavor of Nerds candy, I threw the rest out.

6. Great word I saw on Onion AV Club: "Smurfian", used to describe a high man to woman ratio (Smurfette's dilemma). As in: "Let's get out of here, the proportions in this bar have become too Smurfian."

5. I saw a cover photo of some female "socialite" on a snooty magazine the other day with the name TINSLEY MORTIMER. Sheesh. You can't even make up a name more ridiculously high-class WASPy than that. Just for shits and giggles I did a Google search, and now I completely hate myself for reading this profile about her. Here's a choice passage:

"Tinsley first made her way into photographed New York society as an accompaniment to Topper’s sister Minnie."

Apparently, all she's ever accomplished in life is getting married to a wealthy douchebag nicknamed "Topper" and getting a lot of pictures taken of her. So fucking what? Even more sickening are the people who actually care, and worship these rich and famous nobodies. Seriously, this country needs to stop focusing on this vacuous nonsense and fix its priorities.

4. I'm having trouble getting excited about The Open Championship, but I do like saying "Carnoustie". Say it with me: CAR-NOOO-STEE! Slip it into conversation as many times as you can this weekend. Although I won't doing an Extravaganza Preview this time around, I will give you a bonus blognostication for the 136th Open: a Frenchman will not win this year.

3. I don't know which I hate more: ironic T-shirts, or those who wear them. While in Manhattan the other night I saw a hipster doofus wearing a GOONIES T-shirt. Oh I see, it's a crap movie that came out before you were born that you're pretending to like--ha ha, very funny! But at the end of the day you're WEARING A FUCKING GOONIES T-SHIRT, YOU ANNOYING PANSY. Of course, I haven't shopped in the city in quite some time, so it's very possible that they don't sell anything BUT ironic T-shirts. It also looks like city hipsters can't afford to pay rent AND buy razor blades, judging by the awful collection of porn mustaches and hideous beards I had to endure.

2. Since the Mets have decided to call their new ballpark "Citi Field", how about we call it "Debits Field" instead? Get it?

1. I never thought I'd see this in my lifetime: a Rutgers football team prominently featured in a EA Sports videogame.



Now they just need to put the Rutgers Golf Course on a disc and I won't have to get off the couch.