PHILTHY MEMO KICKS FLYERS OUT OF PLAYOFFS

I hope there's enough room in that penalty box for an entire hockey team and its management.

In an unprecedented move, the NHL has taken disciplinary action this morning against the Philadelphia Flyers for their dirty play this season. In light of new evidence found, the entire team has been suspended and barred from participating in postseason play, as outlined by Senior VP/Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell and commissioner Gary Bettman. Wow.

Apparently, an interoffice memo within the Flyers organization, thought to have been co-written by current Senior VP/former GM Bobby Clarke, has been discovered entitled "Restoring Honor: Philadelphia Flyers 2007-08". This outline essentially instructs players to play borderline illegal hockey in order to win, regardless of current NHL rules and practices. Some choice quotes include such instructions as: "increase your hitting, without regard to current imposed NHL limitations", "follow through on all your checks, using your stick or elbow if necessary", "continue to intimidate well after the whistle has blown", with the caveat that "referees cannot call every infraction". This is all expected to add up to "the restoration of the honor and pride of the Flyers organization, using our collective will, strength and intimidation". As a result of this damning set of instructions, the league took the "only recourse that would deter any further league infractions", according to Sherriff Campbell's statement. No response has been released by the Flyers as of yet.

None of this comes as a complete shock to me, as they've been "on notice" all season. Despite my obvious bias as a Devils fan, I'm not alone in feeling that Philthy is (and has been) as dirty as they come, as players like Jesse Boulerice and Steve Downie seemingly to have no respect for the game or the livelihood of their opponents. It turns out that management is complicit in this, as I suspected all along. However, as satisfying as the punishment is, the solution to this problem was rather eye-opening: not only have the Flyers have been banned from the Stanley Cup playoffs, but the Sabres have been awarded their playoff spot (#8 seed). Are you kidding me? What is the reason? "As the reigning President's Troohy winner, we felt it was only fair to reward [a playoff birth to] the Sabres organization, who have always acted with the utmost professionalism both on and off the ice," Bettman said in an early morning press conference. "We also wanted to reward the loyal Buffalo hockey fans, who are the greatest fans on the planet!" Unfortunately, he was not standing at center ice at the HSBC Arena when declaring this, and not surprisingly there was no effusive applause from the collected members of the sports media. As it turns out, Bettman still sucks.

So because the Sabres have a low number of suspensions this year, that's the sole requirement to play extra games? What about having 2 fewer points than the Kapital Komrades? That doesn't enter into it? I can't believe I'm torn about this decision, as I've been calling for the league to hand down meaningful punishment on Flyers management since the preseason. On second thought, forget about my apprehension, I'm all for it. Hopefully, this will be an actual deterrent and teams will realize that they cannot hide behind dirty play and intimidation in lieu of talent and teamwork.

Flyers suspension press conference - NHL Video - April 1, 2008 [YouTube]

UPDATE (10:00 PM): I forgot to add . . . APRIL FOOLS!

TOP 100 APRIL FOOL'S DAY HOAXES

I just came across this list of Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes. There are some winners on here:

#20. 15th Annual New York City April Fool's Day Parade. The best part of this one: the "Atlanta Braves Baseball Tribute to Racism" float, with John Rocker "spewing racial epithets at the crowd." The best part of this is that FOX5 News, the most pathetic excuse for a news team in the NY metro area, fell for this one.

#91: Augusta National Goes Public
The May 1990 issue of Golf magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and Golf magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April fool's joke, despite its placement in the May issue. Golf magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.

HA! Yeah right. Karl mentioned #2: Sidd Finch.

In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch and he could reportedly throw a baseball with startling, pinpoint accuracy at 168 mph (65 mph faster than anyone else has ever been able to throw a ball). Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans everywhere celebrated at their teams's amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the writer of the article, George Plimpton.

A lot of people believed this, apparently. Sports fans are so gullible, they'll believe anything you feed them if it will help their team win (see: Barry Bonds and SF Giants fans). The best part was the subheading of the article that spelled out HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S.

"He's A Pitcher, Part Yogi
And Part Recluse. Impressively Liberated
From Our Opulent Lifestyle, Sidd's
Deciding About Yoga (and his future in baseball)."

#23: Guinness Mean Time. I've been on this for years, this is a hoax?