BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I hope I didn't scare you. Today I dressed up like a mad analytical research scientist, which is basically the same as every other weekday. But I did wear an orange polo shirt with a black shirt underneath it, so at least I made the effort, right?

Halloween's history can be traced back to an ancient Gaelic celebration (called Samhain) that marked the end of the fall harvest season. Later it became a holiday to "scare away evil spirits" by dressing up in your creepiest costume, and then later merely a way for kids to go door-to-door for free candy. As I'm well into adulthood now, it appears to be merely an excuse for most girls of drinking age to dress up like trashy whores. How did we get here?

In this country, not only is violence glorified, it's encouraged: there's almost a constant flow of violent TV shows, commercials for gun accessories, first person shooter videogames, and horror movies thrown our way. Shooting, blood, guts, dismemberment, scary music, what's not to like? I've never been a horror movie fan (I think I still have an unopened copy of "Halloween" on VHS that I won at a party for my spectacular Inspector Clouseau costume), but I understand their appeal on a base level.

Sex, however, is something to be hidden from sight, never to be discussed (that is until children "reach that special age"). Even though every baby has seen a nipple, when one is exposed to one against their will (say, during the Super Bowl) it becomes a horrible national nightmare. Despite nearly constant objectifying of the female form, the American society is more sexually repressed than ever before. Therefore, it suppose it's a fairly natural urge to want to dress like a complete harlot, especially on the one day where you won't be judged for it. But you certainly won't hear me complaining about it. I want to make that perfectly clear. If you want to be a slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty cheerleader, slutty real estate agent, slutty claims adjuster, slutty actuary, or just a garden-variety slut, by all means, go for it.

In closing, if you're giving away candy, it had better be chocolate. No Smarties, Mary Janes, Now and Laters, or lollipops--CHOCOLATE. Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Charleston Chews, Reese's, M&M's, Snickers, Hershey's, whatever. There is no substitute. And adults, if you have to drink, stay away from the pumpkin ales, they're nasty.

Let me close this post with this:

BEST. PUMPKIN. EVER.