WRIST SHOTS: THE ALL-STAR BREAK

It's been an interesting first half of the season, I have to admit. I've watched more hockey, and payed closer attention thanks to the fantasy league (KOD!!!!!1), than ever before. The Devils sit in first place in the Atlantic (better than I thought they'd be without Marty), the Sabres are in 7th in the East (worse than I thought, with all their young talent), and the Rangers are showing signs of weakness. I think it will be an interesting stretch run for the rest of the season.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I just wanted to make a few comments about the Winter Classic.

THE GOOD.
Having the game at Wrigley Field featuring two Original Six teams: that's what the WC is all about. Despite the fact the stadium has been around for a century, there's an amazing lack of history. Really, since the 1908 World Series, what classic moments have occurred at the Frozen Confines? Not many. Sure, Ernie Banks hit his 500th, and the Bears won something or another. But you can't count things like "The First Night Game" as "history"; the team was simply too cheap to install lights before then.

(Just wondering: where did the snow come from? From the overhead views, I didn't see anything on the surrounding streets. I think they just trucked it in to make it look more wintery.)

The game was 100% Bettman free. I guess he's finally realized that he casts a pall on every event he attends, since he's been booed everywhere he goes since 1995.

THE BAD.
NBC. NBC Sports is simply the worst. First of all, Doc Emrick had laryngitis and had to bail out--strike one. Second, the rest of the crew had nothing to add except bullshit musings about the wind maybe playing a factor (it didn't). Also, the director seemed determined to never show a single faceoff on camera, and they were constantly one step behind what was happening on the ice, including this Seabrook hit:



HE CHECKED HIM INTO THE HOTEL! (Pierre, shut up with your nay-saying "dangerous" blabbering, that was a fun check that you only used to see the NHL '94 video game.)

THE UGLY. Yes, the game received good ratings, giving the NHL a serious boost in their self-esteem. But unfortunately, the league doesn't know what makes this game a classic, as evidenced by their comments about possible future games in Vegas and the Rose Bowl. They simply don't have any clue what makes this game "classic". No, it's not just because it's played in the winter, it's because it celebrates the game's long tradition as a winter sport. The NHL, meanwhile, will do anything they can to shit all over that tradition.

VIDEO TIME! Here's a great compilation of Top 10 Charity Point Goal-Off Circus Shots That Don't Really Count In The Stats (So Far).



Just one thing to say about this TSN Sportscentre (sic) video: THE GRAPHICS OBSCURE THE ACTION ON EVERY CLIP. Yeah, I know, they show multiple replays, but why does the clip description have to be in black across the middle of the screen? Put it at the top of the screen where the scoreboard already is! I don't know who to blame, so I blame ESPN.

ALL-STAR MEMORIES. This might be oft-injured (and now shelved for the season) Rick DiPietro's lasting legacy: dropping F-bombs on Versus.



"I fucked my hip up again." Eh, sit tight Fishstick Fans, he's got 12 more years to redeem himself!

ALL-STAR SNUBS. No, I'm not talking about those players who had good first halves and were not selected. Because let's face it: ASG is all about the star players you want to see, not who had a good 30-40 games this season, and I have no problem with Mike Modano being there instead of someone like David Krecji. So what if the fans in Montreal, Pittsburgh, Chicago and Anaheim stuffed the ballot box, and put Giguere and Komisarek in the lineup? That only means that they cared about this game the most, and thus they get to see their favorites.

The "snubs" I'm talking about are the players who declined to appear, like Crosby (who is allegedly hurt) and the two Red Wings, meaning that the defending Cup champs will send NO representatives at all. That's pathetic, and shows what little the players think of Bettman, the league and the fans in general.

Still, it will be fun to watch those who do show up play in a loose, defense-free environment and show off their skills for a change, even if it seems the game is quickly becoming an irrelevant novelty.

CAPTION CONTEST. According to the AP this is Gary "Bettan" gesturing during a press conference:



HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU CANADA, I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

UPDATE. OVIE in his AS duds--looking sharp.

NHL ALL-STAR GAME WEEKEND REVIEW

After watching most of the 2008 NHL YoungStars!/SuperSkills! and the All Star Game, I have to say they both pretty much sucked. They could have used Sidney Crosby to show up at the festivites limping out to greet the crowd wearing Tom Brady's boot. It certainly was a lackluster showcase for the league's most talented players. Here's the PLUS/MINUS breakdown. (Yeah, I'm probably not the first one to come up with that.)

PLUS: The goalies they chose to mic up during both events, Rick "2020 Or Bust" DiPietro and Manny "Tarnished" Legace, were both very entertaining and added to the telecast.
MINUS: The constant VERSUS audio issues, which led to about 20 exchanges like the following:

Doc Emrick: We've got a microphone on the goalies. Hey, DiPietro, what did you think of that shot?
Rick: ...
Doc: I guess he can't hear us.

Ugh.

PLUS: Placed in the middle of the skills events the new YoungStars! game, with only one faceoff and two 6 minute "halves" was short and to the point. Of course, it allowed for a ridiculous amount of breakaways but what did you expect?
MINUS: Fastest Skater, which was a sprint and not a lap around the ice, just flat out sucked. Predictably, the NHL/VERSUS couldn't get the timers to work correctly.

PLUS: THE AMAZING ZENDO'S 103.1 MPH SLAPSHOT!
MINUS: FURRIES! Those NHL mascots are frightening.

PLUS: Melt Your Face Off's hilarious livebloggery of the SS and ASG.
MINUS: CBS Sportsline adding the goals during the ASG to each players' season total. Goals 40 and 41 for Ovey! Uh no, they don't count. So you can take your glog and shove it.

PLUS: I actually liked the revamped Obstacle Relay, with the goalies shooting at the empty net at the end. Althought Rob didn't like the "saucer pass" part ("they should have had little kids on the ice for that") I thought it was okay overall.
MINUS: I don't normally agree with Wes Goldmember from Sportsline, but they have to get rid of the "judged" Breakaway Challenge event. It had potential, but it ended up being awful. It was worse than the NBA Slam Dunk (if you can believe it); it was like watching 30 straight failed dunk attempts. Some of the players didn't even seem to know what they were supposed to do. After trying (and failing) to bat the puck out of the air, Ovechkin said afterwards, "I didn't practice that." Yeah, no shit, Ovey. I couldn't tell at all. The goalies were also just getting in the way of the fun; they should have just put a stuffed dummy in each goal. And it's a bad sign when the computer animated trick shots were 100 times better than the final product. I could have just watched the 2KSports simulation of the Skills competition all night.

PLUS: I missed The Hives doing the musical introduction, which I heard was the highlight of the All Star Game. The sad thing is, I'm not kidding.
MINUS: When Gary Bettman joined Doc and Eddie in the booth at the beginning of the 3rd, I had to turn off the audio. Insufferable little twunt. This led to the following imaginary exchange:

Doc: Do you have a question for the commissioner?
Me: Yeah, I do! How about you have a nice big cup of 'shut the fuck up'?

Bettman sucks.

PLUS: A sweet breakaway in the ASG by Rick Nash, who had a hat trick for the losing Western team. All 17 fans in Columbus said "Huh."
MINUS: Eric Staal somehow got the MVP, and Bettman was booed by the crowd when he made the center ice presentation. THIS MAN IS BOOED IN EVERY ARENA, DOESN'T ANYONE SEE A PROBLEM WITH THIS? Do you think Bettman gets booed while he’s out eating dinner?

PLUS: As Rob said, "At least it was in HD". Agreed.
MINUS: Not all the cameras were HD (hey, it's VERSUS, how many HD cameras do you think they can afford?).

All in all, I was pretty non-plussed. But it still beat watching the Winter X Games.

2008 NHL ALL-STAR WEEKEND EXTRAVAGANZA

It's finally here: 2008 NHL ALL-STAR WEEKEND. From all around the globe people are flocking to the hockey hotbed bone-dry city of Hotlanta to see the NHL's best from East to West--uhm, Wales to Campbell. Aren't you psyched? (Okay, maybe you're not, but at least it's something to watch after the golf is over.)

Despite the fact that Bettman sucks, the NHL did smarten up and put this on during the off-weekend during NFL football's annual Pre-Big Game "Fortnight Of Jackassery". Unfortunately, poster boy Sid the Kid will not be playing due to an ankle injury. Or as the Onion puts it: NHL Out Three To Five Weeks With Sprained Right Poster Boy. (Gotta love the Onion.)

Unfortunately, Martin Brodeur will not be attending for the first time due to family issues (which I assume has something to do with banging his ex-wife's sister spending time with his kids). Actually, I don't blame Marty for not wanting to sit there for target practice while the defensemen watch from afar. But Crosby, Zetterberg, and Luongo all missing takes some of the juice out of the proceedings (even though it's never really much of a game).

But who are we kidding? The Saturday night YoungStars/SuperSkills Competition has become the best part of the whole All-Star shebang. Look at the roster: between Patrick Kane, Milan Lucic, Sam Gagner and Kris Letang, I think the average age is 15. I don't think any of them have even started shaving yet. David "Kelly" Clarkson is probably going to have to sneak out to get liquor for the rest of them, unless Erik Johnson gets a fake ID and changes his name to "McLovin". Since no goalies are listed as playing this game, I guess they'll have to place the goals facedown and shoot at the netting on top. Kicking off the night Jack Johnson will be singing his hit "Slashing, Hooking, Checking", and (hellish Hannah Montana spinoff) The Jonas Brothers will be performing with the Staal Brothers and the Sedin Brothers. And naturally, Usher and Wyclef Jean will be there, because their music is synonymous with hockey. Yeah, sure.

As for the SuperSkills Competition, it's just amazing to see what these guys can do (man, I wish I had Chara's 100.4 MPH slapper). I would also love to see if semi-unretired Scotty Niedermayer can skill skate the fastest, although I don't know if he's even participating. But since I've enjoyed the Skills Competition as it is, they've decided without bothering to ask the fans to make some changes this year, which include:

• Fastest Skater: players sprint from goal line to the opposite blue line, instead of a lap around the ice;
• A bizarre 45 second Obstacle Course Relay that ends with the goalie attempting to score on the empty net (if only Marty were here . . . );
• Breakaway Challenge which includes points awarded for "creativity, execution and ability to score"

Yes, that's right. Bettman, in his ongoing effort to ruin the NHL by turning it into a gimmicky, NBA-like circus, has decided to make this more like that sport's slam dunk contest. They've even got Dominique Wilkins and Tomas Glavine (who decided to play baseball and ruin the Mets instead of play hockey) on the judge's panel. Why not choose an entire panel of former NHL players? Nah, why do that? That would make too much fucking sense, and possibly honor the sport's heritage. BETTMAN SUCKS.

On that note, allow me to jump into the Open Hockey Time Crapsule™ and present the highlights from the 1990 NHL ALL STAR GAME.



Priceless stuff.

This is a great clip of the 1990 NHL Entry Draft, one of the deepest drafts ever: Nolan, Nedved, Primeau, Ricci, Jagr, Sydor, Hatcher (only the Isles pick at #6, Scissons, was a complete bust).



Mullets galore! I also like the fact that it ends with "the rest" of the first round, "Oh yeah, before we go to commercial, the Devils got some kid goalie named Martin Brodeur way down at 20 . . . "

This clip is fantastic: the 1979 Challenge Cup. This took the place of the All-Star Game, and featured 3 games played at MSG which pitted the NHL All-Stars vs. The Evil Russians.



The USSR went on to beat the NHL players 2 games to 1.

And this Flyers clip from 1990 I'm putting up here for no other reason but to laugh at Mike Emrick and Bill "Hands of Cement" Clement from their younger days (1:25).



Ha ha ha ha ha!