STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.



'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

FRENCH HOCKEY & OVIE v SID

I started writing a big long piece on Sidney vs. Ovechkin, then I realized I don't care that much. Sidney does whine. Sidney has been known to dive. Sidney plays his game like it's a job that he doesn't enjoy very much.

Ovechkin is a caveman. He is arrogant but he plays like a kid at recess. And holy fucking shit, he has some sweet moves.

If you're not a Sidsburgh fan, it's hard to argue with Ovie's enthusiasm. I am not a fan of either team, but I find the Pittsburgh fans nearly as insufferable as the Boston fans. The Washington O.V. fans grate on me less so. Excepting the Pittsburgh fans, I think it's fairly given that Ovie is probably the most complete player in the league right now...Malkin is great, Sid is very good, but OV is the face of a very good Caps team and he can do it all.

On a somewhat lower level, I went to see French Division I hockey over the weekend. The Bordeaux ("The Boxers" - like the dog) team is currently 3rd in the league. They played the Jokers from Cergy; and I'll tell you, the Joke was on Cergy's goalie. The skill-level was probably equivalent to my college's hockey team (NCAA D3), but the goaltending - not some much. These guys (esp. the goalie from Cergy) probably couldn't play in a lot of Canadian beer leagues.

Needless to say, I used to be on the fence about ads on jerseys - yep, that's over. It is fucking hideous. No NO NO. Bettman, you do that and I will condone a sniper dropping your sorry ass. The Bordeaux team has so many ads, that 1) You can't see anything on the front, it's just this overload of graphics and 2) The players name is on his ass because there's no room up top. FUCK THAT!

The rink here has no side glass. I was a little afraid of that when we first arrived, because we were in the second row...But it turns out that the guys don't shoot that hard, so the puck never got up into the stands - still weird to only have glass behind the nets.

I haven't seen college or non-NHL level hockey in a long time, so it's tough to get re-accustomed the reduced speed, but it's still fun. No-touch icing is kind crappy. The refs handed out 5 minute fighting majors for simple gloves-in-the-face. The guys don't really check much and there were no open-ice hits. But overall, it's still hockey and there were 10 goals in 60 minutes (7-3 for Bordeaux).

I tried to take a few pictures with my new DSLR, but being this is the first SLR I've ever owned and I never was very good with the whole ISO/Apeture/Focal Length what have you, the pics weren't great. I've put up a few of the better ones.

WRIST SHOTS: IN THESE TROUBLED HOCKEY TIMES

In these troubled times (Media Cliche of The Year), it seems that more has been made about the NHL's off-ice follies than the on-ice action. Of course, this leads us to the whole Sean Avery kurfuffle whose douchey comment received a ridiculous amount of attention. This was most likely due to the post-election hangover, where the media was desperate for something to talk about (see also: Plaxico Burress).

But it's beyond silly to even get worked up about someone saying "sloppy seconds" during a pre-game interview, while a dozen rabid reporters eagerly awaited his every utterance. Yes, Sean Avery is an arrogant, narcissistic, self-promoting dickslap who thinks he's smarter than he actually is, mainly because he spends a lot of time around hockey players. But Gary "Fucking" Bettman was way out of line giving him a 6 game suspension, and Stars' GM Brett Hull was gutless by washing his hands of him. This was less about "offensive" words and more about the league wanting to "protect its image", and quiet a loudmouth who thought the league does a "lousy job of marketing its players". If the league had instead read a list of his crude, boorish behavior, and his general lack of respect for the game, his teammates, and everyone around him, they might have made a better case for his exile.

Neverthless, not discussed much during this whole debacle is the fact that this happened in Canada (some say Canada, others Calgary), where they don't have "free speech" as most people know it (thanks to Rob for the link). Also not discussed: how fucking horrible those sunglasses are for someone who claims to be fashion savvy.

But the most overlooked part of the equation is Canada's own Elisha Cuthbert, one of GAvery's former "girlfriends" who was implicated in this mess. Since her acting "career" is all but non-existent, I think she should use this golden opportunity to pose for Playboy. This way, everyone wins.

THE NEW MEDIOCRITY. The NY Times Slap Shot hockey blog (who I've linked to before) broke down the playoff standings last year using an alternate scoring system (3-2-1) to illustrate how deceiving the current NHL standings are. Jeff Z. Klein wrote a great article showing how the NHL standings system makes mediocre teams look much more impressive than they really are.

Let’s examine the record of a random team, like the Rangers. The N.H.L. tells us they’re 20-11-2. Wow, that sounds good — 20 wins, 11 losses, and 2 “OTL,” which seems like ties or kind-of ties. They’re a powerhouse, and Rangers fans should be really happy!

The reality, of course, is that 9 of those 20 wins came via overtime or penalty shootout, and those 2 “ties” are actually losses in OT or PS. And, you know, in the playoffs there is no four-on-four overtime or penalty-shot contest … just hockey, with five skaters a side and no guaranteed points for being tied after 60 minutes.

So the Rangers, when playing actual hockey during the 60 minutes of five-on-five with no points guaranteed for making it to overtime, have really won 11, lost 11 and tied 11. Hey, Scott Howson, isn’t that mediocrity? Yes, it is — and anyone who’s watched the Rangers will tell you that’s a far better reflection of reality than their official record, inflated as it is by their luckiness in penalty-shot contests this year.

As it stands now they're 12-11-12, and anyone who has watched this squad (and especially their defense) knows they're not dominant world beaters. But hey, they've won enough to lead the division and that's really all that counts in the NHL, where 22 of 30 teams are somehow above .500.

SHOOT THE SHOOTOUT. I really wish they'd do away with the shootout so we wouldn't even have the aforementioned scoring system problem. I honestly lose interest in a game if it's not won in regulation or the brief overtime session, and usually just turn it off. Furthermore, some people have complained about this shootout spin-o-rama goal by Jason Blake (okay, Devils fan Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski did), but I think it's a brilliant move.

While some like Bobby Holik have said it's "bullshit" and "un-hockey" and others claim it's "illegal" (since the puck isn't moving forward at all times), I personally have no problem with it. Since the shootout is already gimmicky, I say anything that lets the players show off their creativity and skill should be encouraged. As it is now, players only seem to go with two different moves: come in wide and try to go five-hole, or come in slow and try to bury it one of the top corners. Rarely do they show off their skating and puckhandling skills. Isn't that whole purpose of this tacked-on sideshow?

GOAL OF THE YEAR? This happened way before Turkey Day (Nov 26, in a 3-1 loss versus Jesus Price and Les Disciples), but I'm just getting around to it now. At this rate I should be done with my Christmas shopping by January 15th. Anyway, check out Johan Franzen turning O'Byrne inside out (poor kid had a rough month) before netting this ridiculous backhand shot.



THE WAR ROOM. They had a little piece about the Toronto instant replay HQ during one of the MSG games a few weeks ago. I envisioned a giant high ceilinged suite with giant screens, or maybe something like the police station in the underrated Minority Report. But it wasn't even close to being anywhere near hi-tech as that; it was more akin to an air traffic control room, but more depressing. One of the things they bragged about was their 3 HDTVs that they use for replays, along with several video walls split into 4 different games. Go back and read that again: only 3 of their monitors are in full HD. And when they showed a "replay official" in action, the special TiVo-like unit that they used showed a pixilated mess that looked worse than my Cablevision HD feed. Are you kidding me? This is what the league is using to decide winners and losers. Astonishing.

I'M SICK OF THE WORD 'BAILOUT'. Despite layoffs at MLB, NFL and the arena league shutting down for a year (okay, that last one is no shocker), Gary "Fucking" Bettman claims the NHL is doing well. Is he whistling in the dark, or is the league actually financially solvent? I would be willing to bet that if this recession keeps up, a heaping handful of teams will suddenly cry poverty, perhaps shutting down the weakest teams. I have no problem with that happening. I just hope the Canadian government doesn't intervene and bail them out.

INTERESTING QUOTE: "It ended up coming to me, bouncing, and I knew that if I would just turn around and shoot it that Price is solid in there, so I had to get him off because I was in so tight. I just tried to put it between my legs and it worked out." Allegedly, Thomas "Manic" Vanek was talking about hockey. I'm not convinced.

CHITOWN CAM. This is officially cool: a webcam showing the construction of the Wrigley Field Winter Classic rink. I can hardly believe it's only 13 days away. The long range forecast for Jan 1 in Chicago calls for a high of 23, windy and colder with sleet, freezing rain and snow. Yecch, that could be a mess. The question is: will the wind be blowing out or in at the Friendly Confines? And who would win a hockey game: the 1990-91 Blackhawks or a whole team of mini-Ditkas? I just hope it goes off without a hitch . . . whoops.

Finally, Happy Birthday to Alyssa Milano, who turned 36 today. Naturally, that calls for pictures of her sporting her "touch" line of sports-related clothing (or less).







Remember the 80's? And is that a Claude Lemieux jersey she's got on?

COVERING CRAP WITH A BERET

It's Thanksgiving in the states and for some reason this holiday is always the hardest one for me being away from the States. Julie's generally gone; in her old job she was always in the "pre-holiday" sales mode so she was away and today she's in Italy. Anyway, all that to say, the drinking will start early today in celebration of our murderous forefathers:

I was kind of wasting time on Youtube and happened onto some Richard Thompson videos. I like Richard Thompson, but imagine my surprise when I found this video.



I think it's pretty good. It's better than Dolly Parton covering "Shine" and much much much better than this.

Anyway, I may be challenging Jeff for Death Manager of the year. I picked up Khabibulin on Tuesday and in his first start he exploded his groin (or something). He did make 20-some-odd saves and only let in one goal, but I started him over game-winning-goalie Ryan Miller last night. FUCK! He better really be DTD. I don't really like the remaining goalies on the FA list. And Khabi's been playing decent hockey this year.

*OVECHKIN 21 points in his last 9 games. That's why he's the #1 pick motherfuckers. He may single-handedly win me that liter bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that Jeff put up as a prize for the OHBFHL champion, right Jeff? It's written on the interwebs so it must be true.

*Scoring an empty netter should count as a goal, but you should not be able to call it a "natural hat trick" It's a fucking gimme, damnit Maklin.

*BUFFALO SABRES on a one-game winning streak. They started 8-2-2 and they're 10-8-3 now...that's not how to play this game.

THE END (OF NON HOCKEY SEASON) IS NEAR

Kammann already ran his upcoming season preview and that's great, because I'm not going to spend anywhere near as much time.

I've got a couple of comments:

*I like Drooory too and I wish he was still on the Sabres but I like the fact that the Rangers made him captain.

*I've looking for the Sabres to make the post season this year. Even if the boffins out there don't think they will, I'm confident - at least to a certain degree. Maxim for Men's in a contract season and keeping with a majority of European players, this generally means he'll perform well. Derek Roy impressed me last year and there's a lot of young players on this fast team. Hopefully...WHOA. Hold the press. I just went to sabres.com to check out something and I see they named Craig "I don't want to go to Buffalo" Rivet captain. What the fuck? I know that he's made amends for the aforementioned comment and I'm sure he's a great guy, but the Sabres have a large amount of motivated, home grown talent (cough, cough Pominville cough, cough).
I like Lindy...a lot...and based on that, I'm going to try to withhold judgement on this decision, but off-the-cuff it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm glad to see Teppo back for another year. Sucks that Gaustad is out for the beginning of the year, because he brings heart to this team, but I'm hoping to be watching illegal streaming video of the Sabres come May.

Anyway: You know it's hockey season when the NHL.com sends 5 spam messages per day. At least they're getting the most for the marketing budget; we're talking about it. And that's all that counts.

Oh, I forgot to mention this: Bettman Sucks.

HOCKEY IS BACK!

There's a chill in the air, the leaves are starting to turn, the Christmas decorations are already in the stores, the Mets choked away another season . . . all of this can only mean one thing: BETTMAN SUCKS!

I mean, HOCKEY IS BACK!

Unless you were from Michigan, last season probably left a bad taste in your mouth, what with Avery's Rangers douchebagging their way past the Devils, the Sabres missing the postseason boat, and the Big Red Wing Machine boring everyone en route to another Cup while making Sid the Kid cry. But it's a new season and a clean slate, as right now every team is in first place and dreaming of kissing Stanley's shiny metal butt at season's end. Conversely, every team is in last place, trying hard not to completely embarrass themselves in front of ever-dwindling crowds who would rather be playing golf or watching NASCAR. It's a crap shoot, but it's a fun one.

Because everyone loves bullet lists, here's my Things To Look Forward To for the NHL 2008-09 season.

* This year, four NHL teams are inexplicably being exiled to Europe to play their first 2 games: Sidsburgh Penguins vs. the Senators in Stockholm, and the Rangers vs. TB's Mullet Marauders in Prague. Wouldn't it make more sense to put the Lundqvist-led Rangers in Sweden? Maybe when they planned this, they envisioned Jagr being on the team and playing in his native Czech Republic, but it's still shitty planning if you ask me. Anywho, the Rangers had to lug 6800 pounds of equipment over there for just TWO GAMES. With the economy in the toilet, the high price of jet fuel, and playing these games at noon time (Eastern) during football season, the NHL is really thinking outside the brain on this one. Brilliant marketing ploy. I hope you sell a lot of $400 jerseys in Prague, you assholes.

* I have to admit, the NHL.com site redesign is pretty slick. However, they decided to (uncreatively) go all black, just like the vast majority of the league's 3rd jersey designs. Will voters reciprocate and go all black this November? We'll have to wait and see! (A cheap joke, I know.)

* As Salo pointed out, the season for exaggerating Canadian announcers has already begun. Check out this Carey "Jesus" Price save, from a Montreal preseason game.



Yeah, nice effort, but we've pretty much determined that it wasn't going in anyway. But that doesn't stop the irritating homerriffic TSN announcers from losing their shit over it. The Canadians want a Canadian born goalie on a Canadian team to be the next Patrick Roy/Martin Brodeur SO BADLY, so they can say, "YUP HE'S THE BEST AND HE'S A MONTREAL CANADIEN!" Of the 6 teams they're clinging to, Luongo can't win the big one, and you saw what happened when Ray Emery crashed and burned: they made him RUN AWAY TO RUSSIA. They're just a little bit frustrated, and will stop at nothing to overrate their own. In other news from Canadia, Vancouver is undefeated in the preseason. I say we give them the Cup now!d

* In local news, Chris Droooooory was named the Rangers captain. Who was their last one? I can't remember. It was Messier . . . and then someone else, who isn't even on the team anymore. Anyway, great choice, I've always liked him.

* I have to tell you, I like Bobby Holik back on the grind line for the Devils. He signed big money to be "the man" in NYC, and had similar expectations foised upon him in Atlanta, with subpar results. But as a team player on the Devils, he's where he should be. If he and Madden can remain relatively healthy, I think they'll grind out a few goals here and there.

* I don't go out of my way to frustrate myself, most of the time it just finds me. However, this time I sought it out directly by researching the NHL Center Ice package. Specifically, what the going rate is and weather they're going to make more HD games available, a promise made in 2005 when the league returned with their VERSUS/NBC package. Since I have cable I'd have to go with Comcast's "Sports inDemand", and it's quite pricey at $159 for the season (by comparison, baseball is $199 for the season and offers over twice the number of games). On top of that, this is what their site says about HD games: "Up to 7 games a week in Hi-Def now included." Wow, as much as SEVEN and as little as ZERO games will be in HD every week, despite the fact that they're ALL broadcast in HD. Sure, I'm luck I live in the NYC area and get quite a few games already (Rangers/Islanders/Devils) plus Versus HD. But I don't think Cablevision has any HD channels devoted to CI (at least they didn't last season). What a waste.

So if I wanted to watch the same games online, it would have to be cheaper right? Nope: the NHL Center Ice Online package is $169. So I can watch the games on my laptop for more money? And the ridiculous blackout rules kill a lot of the games, and the out-of-market NBC, VERSUS and NHL Network games are not available either? Holy crap, where do I sign up? Since CI subscribers get 50% off the purchase of CI Online, it would cost $243.50 for the season! That is monumentally absurd. What average fan is doing this? All of this for a sport that is less popular than the NFL, MLB, NBA, NCAA and NASCAR in this country. (Again, by comparison, the MLB.tv package is $129 for the season. That's right, it's less.)

Once again, the NHL seems insistent on screwing their fans right in the wallet (including increasing the cost of premium weekend games in D.C.). Instead of catering to the fair weather fans, and trying hard to break into markets that don't really care about the sport (Atlanta, Florida, soon to be in Europe), how about you cater to THE FANS YOU ALREADY HAVE??? If the NHL wants their sport to grow and the ratings to improve, they should be giving this stuff away, or at least they should think outside of the current business model, which is, "Screw the fan and they will bend over and take it." I've said it a billion times: they just don't get it. At least there's a free preview from October 4 - October 15 (NOT AVAILABLE IN FRANCE).

* I've decided to increase my hockey intake (or frustration) twofold this year: Once, I've started the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy League. And two, I bought a Playstation 3 along with a copy of EA Sports' NHL 09. So I can have my players underperform in real life AND in the videogame world (especially when I'm the one controlling them). At least I can live out my dream and skate for the Hershey Bears or the Lowell Devils using the new "Be A Pro" Mode.

(I thought about blogging my BAP progress here, which wouldn't be interesting to anyone else but me--but when has that stopped me before? That's one thing I wish people did more of: review games as they're playing it, weeks/months after it comes out. I hate these guys that play it 3 times, and say "I give it a score of A-minus!" and then never talk about it again. Well, how is the Be A Pro mode over the long haul? What about the online league? They just abandon the game after posting their initial review.)

Let's drop the puck already!

5 WAYS I'D CHANGE THE NHL

Over on the Exclamation Point's Fake Hockey Blog Page, Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski had a bunch of complete nobodies write about the 5 Ways they'd change the NHL. However, this is the definitive list because it was written by me. Most of them have to do with increasing scoring chances and focusing on skill without ruining the game as it's been played for the last 50 years.

1. Make the goalie pads smaller. I'm sick of people saying that the nets should be bigger. That's horseshit, because it completely changes the game to where you can't compare scoring records to those that came before. Instead, go back to what the goalies wore back in the early 80s, as evidenced by this Bill Ranford photo.

(And get rid of the trapezoid, which is totally useless. It also sounds stupid, making even the best play-by-play guy sound like he's giving a geometry lesson.)

2. Get rid of the shootout. It was an amusing and often enjoyable novelty at first, but now it's turned into a supremely crappy way to end games. Because the point is more important than the spectacle, none of the players take a chance and show off their skill. Now all they do is skate straight in, shoot it right on net, and 90% of the time get stuffed. This is my solution: play a 10 minute OT period 4-on-4, and then 5 minutes 3-on-3. If the fans aren't happy with a tie after that, there's no pleasing them and they should watch arena football instead.

3. Remove fighting. There's no need for it any more. If you want to increase scoring and skill in the league, how about getting rid of the skaters who never shoot the puck? Send all the goons to Russia, I hear they have a league or something over there.

4. Switch the home and away benches. We've mentioned this on the blog before, but this way the defense has a greater distance to change during the 1st and 3rd periods. This works great for us traditionalists, because it will increase scoring without changing the fundamentals of the game, just the strategy regarding shift changes.

5. Change these three rules:
* Remove the nebulous "distinct kicking motion" rule; if the puck hits the offensive player's skate anywhere, with intent or not, it's not a goal.
* Players may only use wooden sticks. Those crappy composite sticks that explode just when someone's about to unleash a slapshot suck.
* Don't give a 2 minute delay of game penalty when the puck is accidentally sent over the glass. Just make the faceoff in the team's zone, and don't allow them to make a personnel change, or talk to one another, or smile.

6. Get rid of Gary Fucking Bettman. Yeah I know, this is a bonus, but it needs to be said constantly.

Let's not forget to mention that the Open Hockey Blog garnered an Honorable Mention in the Gary Bettman Portraits in Heroism contest in the "Best Use of Gary Coleman and an Incredibly Small Towel" category, for his awesome "Two Garys" (Photoshop done by Kris, creepy premise by me).

GARY B: PROFILES IN DOUCHEBAGGERY

Kris went ahead and submitted the "official" OPEN HOCKEY BLOG entry in Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski's Gary Bettman Art Contest. However, he did not submit it for approval before doing so, which is in clear violation of the blog rules (which I just made). Though it was my suggestion I thought his work was a bit creepy, more pederasty than hockey. So this is my "unofficial" entry (that's right, it's war!).



God, I hate that little troll.

If it seems like we're picking on Messier, well, we are. (It's just that the hairlines match up really nicely.) May the best Mess win!

GARY B: PORTRAIT OF AN ASS GRABBER

Over on Puck Daddy they're running a Gary Bettman: Portraits in Heroism art contest.

I saw it, and figured, yeah I could do something cool and then just forgot about it. But Jeff, in his tenacious hate for Bettman suggested a Bettman/Messier/Coleman mashup. 'Why not,' I said. It's Tuesday morning and anything that keeps the bottle of Scotch in the cubboard until after 12-noon works for me.

This may or may not be the official OH submission. If Jeff or Rob want to get something done, that'd be great too (even though I've now stolen Jeff's best idea.) Meh. He loves Vista, he deserves whatever he gets.

Without further ado, I present "Gary B: Potrait of an Ass Grabber"

JAROMIR JAGR aka "MR. ASSHOLE HAIR"

I was just reading about "mullets" on Wikipedia (don't ask) and at the bottom of the wiki they have the name of the mullet in different languages/countries.

Guam: chad haircut (basically "white trash hair")
Denmark: Bundesliga-hår (German soccer hair)
Finland: tsekkitukka ("ice hockey hair" or "Czech hair" thanks to the aforementioned Jagr)
Korea: MacGyver style
Sweden: hockeyfrilla (my favorite)
Czech Republic: čolek, deka, na debila ("newt", "quilt", "asshole-style" respectively.)

Don't you feel more educated?

WRIST SHOTS: FINAL THOUGHTS

This is my final collection of blogified thoughts on the end of the 2007-08 NHL season. Enjoy.

The Penguins scored their final goal of the season in the closing minutes of Game 6 on a 'light hooking' (as CBC put it) penalty to make it a close game. If the Pens had managed to tie it up and win in OT, you just KNOW that the conspiracy theorists would have had a field day. Again, the NHL and Bettman are not smart enough to "fix" the outcome of four consecutive 7 game series.

Dan Cleary became the 1st Newfoundlander to hoist the Cup. It's about time! What took you guys so long? What else is there to do up there except skate and eat back bacon? This article interviewed his old junior coach, Dick Power. No, I had nothing interesting to add, I just wanted to say "Dick Power".

FUN FACT: Did you know that the Devils were the first team to give each individual player their own personal time to skate with the Cup? This was their way of stating that the team is more important than the individual, which was certainly true of that 1995 team. Additionally, during that same postseason Devils fans also invented the "Let's Boo Gary Bettman At The Arena", when the NHL boneheadedly announced to possible relocation of the team to Nashville, a microcosm of this regime's cluelessness and utter disregard for the fans.

On that note, I noticed that the PA announcer didn't even announce Bettman's name before he handed out the hardware and he quickly went into his speech, most likely to ward off the inevitable chorus of boos. Once he relinquished his icy grip on the Cup (why does he have to touch it creepily?) and handed it over to the Wings, we got to witness the most boring Cup celebration I've ever seen. I'm not saying they should be disturbingly orgasmic like Messier in 1994, but could someone show some emotion? You're on national TV! Only Dallas Drake looked excited to be hoisting it, probably because this is the first time he could do so in his 16 years in the NHL. This whole team is boring, but luckily for them personality doesn't win championships. Just ask Niklas Lidstrom, who was the first European captain to win th . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(While we're at it, the New York Giants invented the Gatorade bath after a big victory. Say what you want, but a lot has happened in that Jersey Swamp.)

The ratings were great for this Penguins/Red Wings series, and I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets. Game 5's OT marathon were the highest since the final game before the lockout (Carolina's Cup clinching game), and last night matched the 2003 finals, which was (not coincidentally) the last matchup between two U.S. teams. I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets, and NBC committed to showing the games in prime time without interruption. But the fact that the sport is JUST NOW getting back to the pre-lockout numbers from 3 years ago makes these latest numbers not that big a deal to me.

Tiger Woods was being a bit dickish when he said "no one watches hockey anymore". Well, no one watches golf when you're not in the field, smart arse! That being said, I'm looking forward to him winning the US Open at Torrey Pines next weekend.

I question the complaints about Detroit having a hard time selling out playoff games because of "the economy". So does this mean the economy is booming in Pittsburgh? What about Buffalo, where they sell out every home game? No, those cities aren't exactly rolling in money either; in fact, these cities are the top 3 declining markets in the nation. I think it means there are better hockey fans in those cities (who also have nothing better to do with their free time and money).

Thanks to Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski and the crew over at Yahoo! for their fantastically funny live blogs during the finals. Puck Daddy had the line of the night (while he can no longer curse over at the Exclamation Point, he can still bust out a cancer joke), but the most shocking revelation was that someone in Indonesia checked in who couldn't watch the game and was listening on NHL Radio. It (thankfully) made me forget about the juvenile taunts and Cindy Crosby jokes that were coming every 15 seconds. Technology is pretty amazing when you stop and think about it.

While I was obviously rooting for a Game 7 on Saturday night, I would have been blind drunk by then and may not have been able to fully appreciate it.

Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings, and also to the Penguins for a great season (unfortunately for fans of the other teams in their division like me, I think this team is going to be a contender for a while).


(Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images)

MORE BRILLIANCE BY THE HENCHMEN OF BETTMAN

This morning I awoke to an email from the NHL saying "Will Detroit Clinch the Cup Tonight?" I didn't really think much of it, until I happened to look at the time-stamp: 4:11am Central European Time or 10:11pm EST.

They already insulted half the fans in the league with the "Your team sucks, buy a jersey" email and now they want to remind me to watch he about the same time as it's over? Granted, the game didn't end until what, about 11pm EST? but come-fucking-on. You're trying to incite people to watch your sport and you send the "reminder" out after the game is 2/3 over?

Fuck you Gary. This video sounds like it was taken underwater (PSA: please don't' record live telecasts in the bathtub, you could shock yourself or worse ruin your plasma screen) so I can't tell if the Pittsburgh fans are booing or boo-urnsing, but Bettman (known officially now as the "neckless devil-boy") should be booed early and often.



And sorry Pens fans, you guys just weren't that good. But I'm assuming that were looking at the beginning of a dynasty here, if they can manage to keep Sidney Christ, Bloomin' Marc and the Russian Bride on the team, things look dim for the Sabres to make it to the Finals for the next 10-15 years.

2007-08 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: DETROIT RED WINGS

The Sidsburgh Penguins put up a good fight (even scoring a late PP goal, and nearly tying it with time running out), but they finally lost to a talented Red Wings team in Game 6, 3-2.

This is the Wings' 4th Cup in 11 years, as Niklas Lidstrom became the first European-born captain to win it. This was an enjoyable series with two very worthy teams fighting for the championship. And while I'm sad hockey season is over, I'm also glad I don't have to hear the words "Bettman", "goalie interference", and "obstruction" until October.

Here's Conn Smythe winner Henrik Zetterberg (and some little schmuck) and the Stanley Cup.



(Man, that thing sure looks pretty in HD.)

In one of the weirdest and funniest plays I've ever seen, the eventual game winning goal went in off of MAF's ass, as he attempted to sit on the live puck.



ASSGOAL!

Congratulations Detroit!


(Again, if you trusted my blognostication, shame on you.)

(Photos by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images, AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

WRIST SHOTS: THERE WILL BE A GAME SIX

SYKO!

At 12:47 A.M. EDT Petr Sykora scored to finally finish off Game 5, 4-3. Apparently, he called his winning goal before the game 3rd overtime period. Who does he think he is, Messier?

After blowing a 2-0 goal lead early in the 3rd, the Penguins got a game-tying tally from "Mad" Maxime Talbot with :35 left with the goalie pulled. After the Wings took a 3-2 early in the 3rd and clamped down on D, I was so sure they were going to win this one that I took two Tylenol PM with 5 minutes to go. After 2 OT, I almost made a pot of coffee to keep me awake.

The 1st OT was all Wings (13-2 SOG), the 2nd OT was dominated by the Pens, and the 3rd ended 10:03 in, on a PP goal after a Hudler high stick double minor.

Bloomin' Marc made 55 of 58 saves for the win.

What a fantastic game. So the hockey season will continue for at least one more night (Game 6 is tomorrow night).

Great work by the Puck Daddy crew over at the Yahoo! Live Blog, who kept me laughing the whole time. The user comments who are "conspiracy theorists" crack me up, who simultaneously insist that the penalty calls prove that the NHL "wants the Penguins to win" and that "Bettman is an idiot". First of all, how can both of those statements be true? Secondly, you're giving the league way too much credit. Anyway, I wish this LIVE BLOGGING stuff was around during the 2003 Stars/Devils series, to keep me sane during those long OT games.

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

WRIST SHOTS: PANIC IN DETROIT

WTF happened to the "marquee matchup" we were supposed to get?

The Stanley Cup finals just started, but they already feel like they're over. They've only played two games in Detroit but it's already apparent who is the better team. I think Sidsburgh's ill-fated goal-free visit to Hockeytown can be summed up by Flipper's deal-sealing goal in last night's 3-0 Game 2 win.

The Red Wings have outshot, outworked, and outplayed the Penguins in every facet of the game. While Crosby has been working hard, Maklin has been invisible (being put on the 3rd line last night surely didn't help), the D has been spotty and mistake-prone, and Bloomin' Marc once again looks like his ordinary self.

Detroit is a talented team, there's no denying that. But man, once they get a lead they clamp down with that trap just as severely as the those NJ Devils Cup winning teams everyone complains about. I don't have a rooting interest here so I just want to see some great hockey (and I'm just hoping for a long series, which has all but slipped away) but that 3rd period in Game 1, and most of Game 2, was nearly impossible to watch.

Sure, it's only two games and a lot can still happen in this series (he said optimistically), but it turns out that the Campbell Conference competitors are simply stronger. I'd feel better if the Penguins played two well-played, close-fought games at the Joe, but that clearly hasn't happened. Nah, the Pens had a good run through the East (they certainly fooled me), but this is over. Now Western Pennsyltuckians can focus on the Pirates--D'OH!

Anyone for golf?

CUP PICKS

Yes, I know, generally picking your choice for the winner happens before the series starts. Last round I sent my picks in after the Wings had beat Dallas in game 1 (although I still picked Dallas to win that series). I went a stunning 0-2 in the last round and 1-3 in the previous round. Therefore, my picks mean absolutely nothing.

I am going with the Wings. The Pittsburgh fans bug me to no end with their hero-worship and we're-better-than-youisms. Sidney Christ will most likely bring the cup to Pittsburgh sometime in the near future, but that time isn't now.

WINGS IN 5

I do know the wings won game 1.

2008 STANLEY CUP FINALS EXTRAVAGANZA

Soooo . . . who won the Stanley Cup? That should be over by now, right? What? It's not? Sources tell me the Stanley Cup Finals between the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins starts tonight! Keeping with the Indy theme here on the blog, I stole the excellent Photoshop poster at left from the hilarious Pensblog: Quest for the Holy Grail. Sidney grew that "beard" a month ago merely to look like Harrison Ford's scruffy Indy character. It's all making sense now.

(I also love this girl's MAKLIN sweater. Fail indeed.)

Anyway, here's a quick guide to the nicknames we might be using here at the OH blog during this series:

Datsyuk = Gadzooks
Rafalski = Raffi
Franzen = Hanzenfranz
Osgood = Charles/various Ozzy Osbourne jokes
Hasek = The Benchwarminator
Valtteri Filppula = Flipper
Kris Draper = Curtains
Zetterberg = Zeppo
Niklas Lidstrom = The Lid

Sidney Crosby = Sidney Christ
MAF = Bloomin' Marc (his name means "In Bloom"; incidentally also a great Nirvana song)
Ruutu = Jerko Ruudetoo
George Laraque = Black Rock (no, I'm not being racist, it's a LOST reference)
Malkin = Russian Bride, Maklin
Gonchar = Gunshy
Sykora = Sicko
Marion Hossa = Marianne, or Marion Ravenswood (obligatory Indy Jones reference)
Jordan Staal = Staal III
Tyler Kennedy = TFK, Jr.

(Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. It's not great, but then again I've been half-assing everything lately.)

Overall this is a great matchup, the one the NHL probably wanted to see but not the one imagined by Canadian viewers. Regardless, it should be a good series: youth vs. experience, speedy forwards vs. solid blueliners, and two goalies playing way better than anyone expected.

PLAYERS TO WATCH. Everyone will be fixated on Christ and His Russian Bride, Zeppo, and Marianne. So I'm just going to tell you to watch out for Gadzooks and The Lid because good things happen when they're on the ice.

OFFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Sidsburgh, with their combination of youth, speed and playmakers.

DEFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Wings, with Raffi and the The Lid.

GOALTENDING ADVANTAGE. This is a surprisingly close matchup, but I give the nod to Ozzy because the D in front of him has been rock solid. And if the octopus hits the fan, they can always turn to the well-rested Benchwarminator.

ODDS ODDITIES. The odds are greater for the Wings winning in 5 games (4-1) than in 6 (5-1), which I found strange; I guess this is because they'd play Game 5 (if necessary, and it will be) at home. As of right now, the price is: Pittsburgh Penguins +145 Detroit Red Wings -165.

The "miscellaneous" odds are pretty funny.

• Will Al Sabotka or any member of the Red Wings staff be fined by the NHL for improperly handling an octopus* during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes -700 (Yes Only))
• Will there be an octopus thrown on ice at Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh ? (Yes -700,
  No +350)
• Will a player from the losing team in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals be awarded the 2008 Conn Smythe Trophy? (Yes +750, No -1500)
• Will there be a 5 minute fighting major penalty called during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes +700, No -1400)

But honestly, you'd have to be a complete idiot/degenerate to bet on hockey.

*Bettman is an incredible douche (upgrade from his current status as "total douche") if he fines anyone for this harmless yet disgusting Red Wings tradition.

"EXPERT" PICKS.
Ashley (Ultimate Hat Trick): DET (in 6)
Buccigross (ESPN): PIT (in 6)
Going Five Hole: PIT (in 6)
Greg "Yahoo! Puck Daddy" Wyshynski: PIT (in 6)
Kukla: DET (in 7)
Maggie the Monkey: PIT
Barry Melrose: DET (in 6)
McKenzie (TSN): DET
Melrose Rocks: DET (in 7)
Milbury: DET
Mirtle: DET (in 6)

WTF? Bill Simmons actually mentioned the NHL in a positive light in his latest column.

Sid the Kid, the return of Don Cherry, the old Flyers uniforms, Montreal self-combusting, the four-OT game, Bucci and Barry, Chris Osgood clipping the dude with the butt of his stick, HD telecasts, a Wings-Pens Finals ... I have to admit, I'm enjoying the NHL playoffs. No, really. I even figured out how to find the games on my cable system and everything.

Uh huh. Naturally, he had to get a sideways jab at VERSUS in there. This is the same Beantown douche who wrote off the league a few years ago when the Bruins were in the dumpster. Suddenly, they're in the playoffs and he's watching again? Fuck off, Boston Sports Guy. Oh, and Giants 17, Pats 14.

BLOGNOSTICATION. Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to do this but . . . PENGUINS IN 6.

Let's drop the puck already!

PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

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