STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.



'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH

Leave it to the Japanese to combine "English language lessons with gymnastic exercise programs". Below are two videos that were made in 1992 by someone or something called Zuiikin' English, probably directed by the same person who made the Mr. Sparkle commercials.

I don't think I'll ever understand the Japanese.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL - "LOVE AND SAUSAGES" (1993) AND "SARCASTIC GUY" (1989)

I was shopping in Trader Joe's yesterday, and they have an astonishing array of sausages: pork sausages, beef sausages, turkey sausages, spicy jalapeno chicken sausages, apple chicken sausages, Italian sausages, andouilles, kielbasas, brats--it was mind-numbing, and I stood there for nearly 10 minutes trying to make a decision.

Naturally, I thought of this surreal sketch from Kids In The Hall (which was a genuine WTF moment when I first saw it), entitled "Love And Sausages". I almost did my best approximation of Scott Thompson's "sausages!" wail in the store, too.



It's 7 minutes long, though it seemed longer at the time; I don't think you could come up with a more off-putting sketch to close a show. SAUSAGES!

Okay, if you want an actual "funny" skit, look no further than this skit featuring Dave Foley as "Sarcastic Guy".

EMMYLOU HARRIS

Have I ever mentioned that she's one of my favorite female singers?

Yeah, it's some shit live recording, but I don't care - she has an amazing voice.



'Course Mark Knopfler is one of my favorite guitarists, so yeah it was like Music Christmas when they got together...



Hooray for synthesizers

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: BEST OSCAR SPEECH EVER?

Last night, animator Kunio Kato won the Oscar for Best Animated Short "La Maison En Petites Cubes" last night. Never mind that a Japanese guy drew a French cartoon; he got extra points for making this hilarious speech:



I didn't think it could get better than, "Sank you all my stuff", but that was a great closer.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: NOTRE DAME LOVES GOLDEN SHOWERS

Unfortunately, bowl organizers finally found someone that Notre Dame could beat, even with coach Weis sitting in the box eating wings during the entire game. However, it did bring us this great comment:

RANDOM HOLIDAY YOUTUBERY: "EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS" (1977)

From Jim Henson's "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" (1977), it's the River Bottom Nightmare Band. Their particular Alice Cooper/Edgar Winter "Frankenstein"-type sound kicked Emmet's ass in the band competition, if you ask me.



Why isn't this ever on TV during the holidays? This was a classic Muppet special, but gets less attention than the Star Wars Holiday Special (1978).

This blooper reel is actually pretty funny, if you don't mind watching a toy drum being rolled across the screen 100 times over 5 minutes. (233 takes? Sweet baby Jesus, Jim Henson was a perfectionist.)

(Unrelated question: why has Vince Vaughn been relegated to making Christmas movies every year? Has he given up?)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: NORTON FURNITURE

This is a real furniture commercial from the Cleveland area.

Oh good God.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: PAUL F. TOMPKINS "DRIVEN TO DRINK" (1998)

Being a long time fan of HBO's classic Mr. Show (see "Landlord" sketch here), I can't believe I hadn't seen Paul F. Tompkins' 1998 special "Driven To Drink" until last night. In the next two clips from this special (which was sort of a play format) he discusses his theory about "The Sober World" vs. "The Drinking World".



In the second clip, he tells a story about drinking at his old favorite Philly local, [Dirty] Frank's.



(He's lost about 40 pounds since then, so I'm thinking he probably doesn't drink 4 pints in one 30 minute show anymore.)

Bonus mp3: "Elegant Balloons" from his 2007 album Impersonal.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: "GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR" COMMERCIAL

Here's a great commercial for "Guitar Hero World Tour", a parody of the famous scene from Risky Business.



In order of appearance: Alex Rodriguez, Tony Hawk, Michael Phelps, and Kobe Bryant.

Wow, how much did this commercial cost to make? Those Guitar Hero guys (Activision) must be making a fortune.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: JAPANESE PIZZA COMMERCIAL

Here's a Japanese commercial for PIZZA-LA.



♪Pi-pi-pi-pi-Pizza-la-kun
to to to to toppings!♪

You can't make this shit up. Suddenly, I don't feel like having pizza for lunch today.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: IT'S NOT A GLITCH, HE'S JUST THAT GOOD

This is a very clever ad for EA Sports' Tiger Woods 09.



It's billed as "a video response to Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 Jesus Shot", a YouTube video pointing out a glitch in last year's game. Very funny stuff.

(Personally, if I just had knee surgery like Tiger, I'd walk around on dry land first just so I don't reinjure it.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: TSA GANGSTAZ

I was thinking the other day, Open Hockey doesn't have enough rap on it, especially bad white rap. So in my desire to remedy this, I present to you TSA Gangstaz.

Ok, it's actually really bad, but hey, that's the name of the game. It's "random" youtubery.

For the record, this is better than Coldplay's new album.

NSFW, unless your boss digs f-bombs, dildos, and jiggly women in short shorts.



"Let me squeeze those titties or the terrorists have already won."

Classic line!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: SOUTH AMERICAN GRAFFITI

This is a long (6+ minutes) video, but it's amazing the amount of work this guy put into his defacing of public property!


MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ANNIE LENNOX FOR THE WEEKEND

I had never seen this version of Hallelujah sung by Annie Lennox until a few hours ago on TV.

It's probably been said before, but that chick's got some lungs on her:



Sorry for the fucked up aspect ratio. The sound is better on this one than on the only other one on the Youtubes.

[Annie Lennox Hallelujah on Taratata Oct. 2007]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE iPHONE, IS THAT THING STILL AROUND?

I've been trying to ignore the "Hand" Jobs love-in this week (you'd think that Handie invented the 3G network right after he got done saving the world's children from hunger). But I guess I can post a little satire (since you'll rarely see me post anything positive about the real Apple).
It's actually not that I hate Apple (or Handie for that matter), I hate the verbal fellating that he gets every time he farts and I hate the fact that Apple can do no wrong in the eyes of the fan-boy (which seems to account for 93% of all bloggers and an awful lot of poseurs who always whip out their iPhone to ostensibly check the weather or some bullshit).

Anyway, without further ado, the real reason you need an iPhone 3G (moderately NSFW, unless your boss is on "big sausage pizza dot com" right now.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: STUFF YOUR GAPING MAW

The Onion does it again with this "report" on Yum! Brands new "Feedbag" for people who don't "feel like moving their arms" when eating fast food. Additional benefits: No need to chew or breathe while eating.


New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less



"Hot steamy food, in your face right now"

"For an additional 50 cents, they'll, ya'know, throw the soda right in there. You don't need to keep sucking it through the straw"

WRIST SHOTS: GARY ROBERTS TRIBUTE VIDEO

I don't know if Gary Roberts will singlehandedly beat the Red Wings tonight in Game 3, but this tribute song/video to him is hilarious.



"When Gary Roberts plays Monopoly, it actually effects the world economy!"

QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST TROPHY CELEBRATION EVER

The WHL's Spokane Chiefs beat the OHL's Kitchener Rangers to win the 2008 Memorial Cup, awarded to the best Canadian Junior League Hockey team. But the biggest issue is not that they're not from Canada; the mishap that follows might be the most hilarious celebration I've ever seen.



The look on their faces are priceless. Even better: it was brought to you live on the NHL Network!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL "GIRL DRINK DRUNK"

Just one word of advice when drinking this Memorial Day weekend: don't turn into a Girl Drink Drunk.



Chocolate Choo-choo! Tastes like candy!

I came across this mixed drink recipe, and it's quite possibly the most awful drink I've ever heard of.

Baltimore Zoo
1 shot vodka
1 shot light rum
1 shot gin
1 shot triple sec
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1 shot grenadine syrup
1 dash sweet and sour mix
1 splash beer
Add the liquors and grenadine to a highball glass with ice. Top off with sweet and sour mix, add a splash of beer, and stir.

Uggggggghhhhhhh. Not only must it be awful to drink, it's also incredibly, unabashedly gay! If you order this at a bar you deserved to get cockpunched.