RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GOTCHA

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is from KLOV (Killer List of Videogames).
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I'm not going to lie: I love video games. This is directly attributable to me growing up at the height of the "arcade" era, when PAC-MAN fever was both a rampant social disease and a massive hit song, and just at the beginning of the "home gaming system" craze with the introduction of the Atari 2600 and Mattel Electronics IntelliVision.

What the early video games of the 1970s lacked in overall graphical presentation they made up for in creativity. (The opposite can be said for some of today's games, which look frighteningly photorealistic but can be boiled down to: "hey, let's shoot stuff and make things 'splode"). Programmers were frequently coming up with more alluring and addictive ways to entertain and delight. In their quest for quarters, not every idea was a winner.

Enter GOTCHA, the 4th game ever made by Atari Games in 1973. This simple 2 player arcade game consisted of a simple maze, where the object was for the "Pursuer" (a "square") to catch the "Pursued" (a "+" sign). Each player used an optical trackball to control their on-screen counterpart. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? However, this game created a bit of controversy when it was released.

First of all, let's start with the weird photo of a sweatered preppie stalker grabbing the woman on the waist from behind, which in the 70s constituted "consensual sex". Second of all, take a look at the mammary-shaped controls on the game itself. Apparently, several people who worked at Atari joked that typical video game joysticks looked too "phallic". In response, video game designers decided to create a "female" game that instead featured pink rubber bulges resembling breasts that were squeezed to control the action. The game was later re-fitted with standard joysticks, but needless to say neither version was well received.

Video game programmers must be a lonely bunch.

Reference: Wikipedia (Gotcha - arcade game)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: IT'S NOT A GLITCH, HE'S JUST THAT GOOD

This is a very clever ad for EA Sports' Tiger Woods 09.



It's billed as "a video response to Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 Jesus Shot", a YouTube video pointing out a glitch in last year's game. Very funny stuff.

(Personally, if I just had knee surgery like Tiger, I'd walk around on dry land first just so I don't reinjure it.)

CLASSIC HOME VIDEOGAMES: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (ATARI 2600, 1982)

Since it's Indy 4th here in the States (which should be a national hoilday, but whatever), I decided to post the first in a series of tributes to video games that I spent a lot of time playing as a kid. These meant a lot to me growing up, and effected me in some way, probably negatively.

I had the Raiders of the Lost Ark videogame for the Atari 2600 back in 1982. Right off the bat, it was hard to understand and seemed to have very little to do with the movie. As I recall I could only get as far as the Map Room and couldn't figure it out what to do next. This game just made me feel like a dummy. This marked the first time a video game was so confounding that I couldn't solve it (I would later add many games to that list). But since there was no "internet" to help you walkthrough the game, you had to rely on word of mouth and some abstract logic to solve it.

Here's a helpful video guide showing someone beating this classic craptacular puzzle game in real time. I know you've all been waiting for this.



* The inventory system was pretty groundbreaking at the time, listing all the objects you were carrying along the bottom of the screen. Here it looks like Indy picks up his bullwhip, gun, flute (to charm the snakes, duh), key, grenade, clock, hourglass, an ankh, and all sorts of other things I can't remember. You could only use one at a time, though. The other thing that was irksome: the icon on the screen frequently looked different than the inventory icon (pile of coins becomes a sack), so you had to be paying attention.

* I love how back then a grenade was just a single pixel (0:53), and you didn't even get to see the explosion, you only heard an off-screen "beep". Nowadays, videogame grenades are photorealistic and can be used to blow yourself up in spectacular ways in Liberty City.

* Using the grappling hook (yes, that's what that blue circling dot is at 2:40) to get across the desert mesa tops was maddening.

* Ah, then there's the Map Room (3:30). No, not the amazing Chicago beer bar, but the crappy pixelated one that told you where to dig for the Ark of the Covenant. The most excruitating thing about this board was that, just like in the movie, you had to wait for the "sun" to point to the proper place. And wait. And wait. Here it takes well over 2 minutes (FF to 5:38) for the little flashing dot to pop up on the map. Just imagine a 12 year old just sitting and staring at the screen for that long! I didn't have the patience (or probably thought the game was broken) so this is where I stopped.

* You then to avoid the "thieves" in the marketplace who would steal your loot (a board that suspiciously resembled "Frogger") to the Black Market (6:22) to buy a shovel. That's right, guns and grenades are readily available in garbage cans 15 seconds into the game, but shovels are treated as illegal contraband.

* I also love how the bullwhip can break through walls (7:18) which I never knew was possible, and which certainly didn't happen in the movie.

* For some reason he buys three parachutes (8:55)? You lost me. (I guess you could miss and have to buy another, but he makes it on the first try.)

* Now to the convoluted endgame: with the ankh in hand, you have to parachute down to the tree limb, avoid more "thieves" and dig at the proper spot (9:23). Voila! There's the Ark! Come to think of it, it's easier to accomplish here than in the movie.

This guide explains everything up to the Map Room.



What a bizarre little puzzle game this was.

(I realize that I'm the only one who cares about this stuff. Yes, I'm queer for Indy.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark video game [Wikipedia]

MOVIE REVIEWS: "KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS" (2007)

Since today is Grand Theft Auto IV release day, I felt it was a good time to mention one of the best documentaries about videogames that is likely to ever be made. I watched King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters last night, and it was absolutely fascinating, even moreso since I'm a videogame fan and about the same age as these fanatics.

Focusing on a self-taught Donkey Kong expert (the humble Steve Wiebe) aiming to challenge the current world record holder (the arrogant Billy Mitchell), this movie was both interesting and frightening at the same time. It shows a whole classic arcade videogame subculture that I knew existed, but I wasn't prepared for how obsessive and competitive they are.



Interesting note (to me anyway): I've actually been to that Funspot Arcade in Weirs Beach, NH as a kid, so I might have run into one of these weirdos before.

From the Twin Galaxies "referees" who oversee the validity of the scores to the banker who retired at age 30 and moved to New Hampshire to devote his life to playing video games, it was priceless stuff. Billy even had people sent to Steve's house to check the machine in his garage to see if the board was "fraudulent". I simply can't believe anyone would be that dickish about a Donkey Kong record.

"No matter what I say, it draws controversy. It's sort of like the abortion issue. If you're for it, you're a sonofagun; if you're against it, you're a sonofagun. I'm not God, I don't have all the answers, so I have to be careful how I share my opinions." - Billy Mitchell

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S A FREAKING VIDEO GAME! Seriously, I think this guy is totally insane.

Regardless, it was a very entertaining documentary, even for the non-videogame enthusiast. But for someone like me who has gone through rolls upon rolls of quarters playing these games in the 80s, it was completely mesmerizing.

(Oh, and after seeing a guy play Marble Madness with his foot, I'm never playing one of those trackball games again.)

Clips courtesy of Picturehouse Films.
Donkey Kong (Online Flash Version)
King Of Kong - Trailer

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO MARTY LIKE IT'S 2002

After Kris decided to dust off his SORNY Playstation (the newest gaming technology available in France, apparently) and play some NHL 2000 on his new SORNY TV (and brag about beating the Devils, and about how much better his fake Sabres team is vs. the real one), I decided that I had to reply. Little did he know that he's stirred the pot, awoken the beast and created a monster: last night I found my PC copy of NHL 2002. This could get ugly.

I haven't played it in about 3 years, and it was pretty funny seeing Super Mario (Lemieux, not the Nintendo star) on the cover. While not as immediately enjoyable as NHL '94, graphically stunning as NHL 2001 for PS2, or as slick and shiny as NHL 08, this game was fun to play, not overly glitchy and endlessly customizable. I even had my "ditties" (clips of songs you upload that play during stoppages) still on the hard drive. While NHL 98 was an excellent showcase of what a PC hockey game could be, this edition may have been the last solid NHL game that EA released on the PC.

However, it wasn't a simple process to just "play a game" on my old computer. First, I had to reinstall it, and find the old box which had the EA registration code on it (ugh). Then I had to find a driver for the gamepad (which I had actually bought as a backup but never used), and download the newest rosters I could find (2005-06 season). Was it worth it? Yes it was. (Or was it?)

I set up a quick game of Sabres @ Devils at the Continental Breakfast Arena, playing at difficulty level 2 (it goes from 1 to 4, where 4 = frigging impossible). As I began to play I realized that this was the first NHL videogame I've ever played where I didn't have Scott Stevens playing D for the Devils--and I didn't like it at all. One thing I did notice that always bothered me about the game is the weird computer AI whenever one of their wingers skates towards the goal with the puck. Instead of going directly at the goal, 80% of the time the player would skate straight north-south (as if he was in a bubble hockey slot) to almost the goal line, and then make a sharp right angle cut. If you could hit him or knock him off the puck before he was able to get off a pass into the slot, you were fine. If you didn't, there was a good chance they'd score a one-timer goal. Very odd. Also, the goalies are pretty dumb about covering up the puck around the crease, and seem to ignore it while it sits on the outside of the net. Otherwise, it's a solid game (if you can ignore Don Taylor's silly color commentary).

As I was slowly relearning the game controls on the weird new (to me) gamepad, I was getting badly outshot/outhit (I had a lot of shots AT goal, which dammit, NHL 2002 doesn't keep track of). On one side, you had a great Sabres squad with Drury, Danielle and Maxim for Men (who must have a "speed rating" of 99). The home team was a so-so Devils group, with Gomez, Gionta and Madden, but also Grant Marshall (on the first line?), Mogilny (who barely played that season) and Kozlov (who in typical Russian fashion, dogged it all year) and spotty defense. However, the Devils still had Marty in goal so it all added up to a 4-0 shutout. (Sounds like their entire team history since 1994.) I checked later, and the Devils' team rating was actually one point higher than Buffalo, though seemed like they didn't have as much talent. I made Miller look silly on a Gomez breakaway, and on the final Langenbrunner goal, which he seemed to give up on (realism!) standing almost straight up as the puck sailed by like a Frisbee. He also looked silly wearing a black/red mask and pads with the blue/gold 3rd jersey, but that's not important when your save % is only .810.






Once I remember how to play (and lay down the BIG HIT), I'm going to switch to a higher difficulty level and perhaps start a playoff tournament with all of this season's teams in the mix.

(Anyone out there have the latest rosters for 2007-08?)

WRIST SHOTS: HOW MANY TIMES MUST CROSBY SAVE HOCKEY?

Sidney "Sid The Kid" "Bing" Crosby saved hockey once again by singlehandedly beating the Evil Russian Kapitals on national TV on Sunday afternoon. He scored a goal, and using his mind bullets, he even forced Li'l Nikki Backstrom to score one FOR him: the game winner into his own net. This faux pas reminded me of Edmonton's Steve Smith banking one into his own goal off of goalie Grant Fuhr in Game 7 of the 1986 Smythe Division finals vs. the Calgary Flames. Luckily, YouTube has a (predictably shitty quality) clip of it.



What a shitty way to end a playoff series, and the season.

The later game on Sunday, Boston vs. Rangers, was the case against anyone saying a game has to be high scoring to be exciting (like Bettman, who is trying everything in the world to increase scoring and who, consequently, sucks): a 0-0 tie in regulation eventually won by the Rangers in a shootout. The 3rd period was crazily entertaining, and while Auld was solid Henrik was out of his head. Now the Rangers are on fire, winning 10 of their last 13 games. I'm saying this hoping to jinx them going into their game at THE ROCK vs. the Devils next week, who are currently winless on the season against them.

This blog asserts that "New York is a hockey town at last" after good ratings for the Sabres/Rangers game on Monday night. Yes, overall ratings are up 100% in the New York area, but what else was there to watch on a Monday night in early March? Please, once baseball is back or the Rangers go on a mini-slump, the viewership will start to erode. But at least it's a good sign for Versus, even though their broadcasts are still sub-par and the channel doesn't devote a single second to hockey during the regular season, outside of the Monday and Tuesday games.

However, the VS broadcasts look like Spielberg productions when compared to those of NBC Sports. It's one thing to promote the games bright new stars like Crosby and Ovechkin, it's another thing entirely to slobber sycophantically all over them. NBC: you need to get out of sports all together, because you suck at everything. You can keep the Olympics, because I don't give a crap about them unless (it's the winter).

Okay, I'm going to come right out and say it: the Devils are a strong team, as long as Marty has a good night. I know, this is like saying "human beings need oxygen to live". But I really worry about this team, as I don't see them winning the Cup as it stands now. Their power play is just too anemic, and they seem to play down to their competition more than any other team. The Toronto and Tampa Bay wins that they manufactured this past weekend are a microcosm of this season, and how they lack that killer instinct. Yes, I know they've been in first place in the Wales, or right around it, for the past month but I don't know how deep this team can go. After a lackluster effort up in Montreal, this mini-roadtrip at MIN and COL will be telling.

Despite Kris' insistence that the Sabres will make it to the playoffs (and lose in the 1st round), I don't see it. This week is a tough one with 4 games on the docket: they got 1 point vs. NYR, and now have @PIT, CAR, @TOR. By Sunday morning I think we'll know where they stand. As long as they don't go on another 10 game "winless" streak they have a chance.

Meanwhile, out West the Sharks are tearing everyone a new five-hole, recording 10 consecutive victories (2 in a SO). I pick this team to make a run in the playoffs every year, but it never materializes. Until they win the Cup, I don't know the way to San Jose and I don't care. The Ducks, after a rough Niedermeyerfree and Selanneless start, are still the team to beat in my eyes.

In closing, here are some highlights from NHL 94, one of the greatest videogames ever. EVER. (NHLPA 93 might be better, since if you check a guy just right, there will be blood. But there are no one-timers.)



There were so many quirky glitches, and the goalie AI was so stupid (see 1:05 and 1:28), but it just added to its charm. EA has never made hockey as fun as they did with these Sega Genesis era games. I especially love the guy getting beaned by an errant puck after the whistle at 3:14, the 3-car pileup at around 3:20, Pavel Bure being thrown across the ice at 4:08, and the Gretzky breakaway (penalty shot?) at 5:42. (I also enjoyed the video namedropping of former Devil #25 Valeri Zelepukin.)

WEEKLY TOP 10: WHAT I LEARNED DURING WINTER VACATION

10. Capital One Bowl Week can turn out to be a dud. Compared to last year, there was not one compelling bowl game all week. I'm glad I paid attention to the regular season, because that's when all the great games happened.

9. A hot toddy made with Woodford Reserve bourbon, lemon, honey and cloves KICKS ASS. That's how I rang in 2008.

8. Rob says this might be the funniest line of the year, and I might have to agree with him (from The Onion's hilarious Our Dumb World Atlas):

MALAWI: Come For The Food Shortages, Stay Because You've Died.

7. While it's a very funny show, "The Larry Sanders Show" is no "Honeymooners". I watched episodes of both shows on New Years Day, and let's just say that Garry Shandling's Other Show, while funny, hasn't aged all that well. Plus, the washed-out DVD transfer (from 2002) makes it look even older than it actually is.

6. For some reason, I can't learn the lyrics to most late 60s/early 70s classic rock songs that grew up listening to as a kid. If I didn't know the words then, I don't know them now. Even if I look them up online, they just don't stick. I guess if you've heard "Brown Sugar" 500 times without knowing what the hell Mick Jagger is saying, you can't expect to figure it out after reading the lyric sheet once.

5. I'm surprisingly good at "Dance Dance Revolution". No, really. Especially when songs like a-ha's "Take On Me" and Chic's "Le Freak" come on, I'm unstoppable.

4. Screw the New Jersey Devils for putting such a beautiful hockey arena in Newark. Additionally, screw the PATH train for being so useless: it took two trains and 45 minutes to get from New York to Newark. After unleashing a litany of expletives during this frustrating detour (which I could blame on my drunkness, or the fact that I had just contracted an upper respiratory infection), I later realized that I would make a lousy competitor on "The Amazing Race".

3. The typical NFL game blows, especially when compared to any Madden NFL '08 game. Seriously, the PS2 version is fantastic, and can only imagine what the "next gen" ones are like. In fact, it's so realistic, Giants QB Elisha threw 3 INTs before finally settling down and throwing two TDs before getting injured, in a poorly played 14-6 win over the Redskins. Eerie.

2. I respect the guy for keeping at it, but Dick Clark needs to retire. It's just sad to hear him struggle through a simple sentence, and this time around he actually said "HAPPY DEW YEAR". I also officially think the "rockin' eve" concept is officially dead when all you have is Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, whoever the hell they are.



1. Not a new revelation, but Ginger Man is the best beer bar in NYC. I already suspected this, but I had to visit a second time to make sure. Blue Point Oatmeal Stout from the cask was fantastic.

WEEKLY TOP 10: TIGER IS STILL GOOD, ELVIS IS STILL DEAD

10. Why does Boeing advertise on TV? Are there really people out there that don't know who Boeing is? Are there billionaires watching golf that will decide to buy a Boeing plane because they saw their commercial? Actually, I don't want to know that.

9. The proliferation of pointless preseason games has begun, meaning the 2007 NFL season is right around the corner. Apparently, referees will be using HD for their video reviews this season. So they will be able to see in crystal clarity what HDTV owners have been seeing for years: just how badly they fucked up the call.

8. This year, the Pittsburgh Steelers (for some reason) have a new scary mascot, and the "fans" have voted to name him . . . Steely McBeam. WTF? Any relation to Hootie McBoob? Maybe they should have gone with Big McLargehuge, from MST3K's Space Mutiny.

7. There's just something about a woman saying in a personal ad that one of her favorite artists is "Kip Winger (solo)" that's a complete turnoff to me. Call me picky, but life is too short for that.

6. As of 8/16/2007, one US dollar is worth 1.07 Canadian dollars. That's horrible! A few years ago it was about $1.30. Well, you had your chance Montreal strippers, but I don't think it's even worth coming up there anymore. I don't care if the Roughriders are playing the Rough Riders for the Grey Cup, I ain't coming up there if there ain't no cheap whores to throw my loonies at! So you can forget aboot it!

5. Apparently, everyone in Hollywood has decided that Chuck is the new name of comedy (or lack thereof). In a matter of weeks we are inundated with two movies ("I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and "Good Luck Chuck") and a TV show (obviously named "Chuck"). There are probably also some porns in the works (I'm guessing maybe "Fuck Chuck" may be one of them). Enough. I want to upchuck.

4. Man, I am THISCLOSE to buying a Sony Playstation 3 and a copy of Madden '08. It just looks crazy good, and it's in HD and everything. Plus, I would have a Blu-Ray player, and although it's early, it appears to be winning the format war vs. HD-DVD.

3. Tiger Woods won his 13th major (the 89th PGA) on Sunday, which was pretty much a foregone conclusion after his asskicking 63 on Friday. When asked how he felt to have his wife and baby girl waiting in the clubhouse, he said, "I've never felt anything like this. It's cool." Tiger: a phenomenal golfer, and a tremendous dork. One question to CBS: if Ernie Els had won the tourney, did you have a cutesy childhood photo montage of him ready? I'm thinking probably not.

2. I might have to visit BARCADE! This cool-ass establishment is exactly what it sounds like: a bar filled with classic arcade games. Unlike a cheeseball place like Dave & Busters, it actually has excellent brews on tap (25+) to back it up: Abita, Rogue, Smuttynose, Victory, et. al. I just wish it was in my neighborhood instead of in Brooklyn.

1. It's 30 years later, and Elvis Presley is still dead. To honor The King, here's the "laughing version" of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" from 1969. Allegedly, after a fan removed his toupee in the audience he changed the words to "Do you stare at your bald head and wish you had hair?", and subsequently could not stop laughing.



Funny story: back on August 16, 1977 I was with my dad and sister driving up to Maine, and as we were flipping around on the radio there seemed to be a lot of Elvis songs on the radio. After several hours of this, a DJ finally announced the news of his demise to clear things up. It was a big story in Maine, because he was supposed to play a concert/destroy a buffet in Portland the next day. To this day if we ever hear several songs by the same artist on the radio, we say, "Another song by him? Did he die?"