TOP 10 THINGS I DIDN'T MISS ABOUT NFL FOOTBALL

We're about 1/4 of the way through the NFL season, and I'm already tired of it. I didn't realize how exasperating it can be, as I filtered out all the shit and just remember the Giants Super Bowl win. But getting there is quite a shitty road. Because everyone loves Top 10 Lists, here's another one, Top 10 Things I Didn't Miss About NFL Football.

10. Chris Fucking Berman. Not only has his shtick worn out its welcome, but he's also appearing in NutriSystem commercials. Good God, just shut up already.

9. Joe Fucking Buck. I wish the FOX robot would take the baseball bat he's armed with (cross promotion with MLB! Kill me now!) and slug that smug prick in the face.

8. Owners thinking they're part of the team. You don't know anything about football, you just have a lot of money and own a bunch of amusement parks and oil drills. So stop sticking your face in front of the camera, Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones, and fuck off.

7. The media thinking I care what football players have to say, or what they do off the field. The Giants' Plaxico Burress didn't answer his phone for 2 days, was suspended two weeks (one of them a bye, which is horseshit), and they still pummeled the Seahawks? Who cares? Just catch passes, or throw them, or do whatever it is you do on the field. I don't give a shit about the rest of it.

6. Every media outlet slobbering over the Cowboys. At this point I'm rooting for Tony Romo to break his arm on a pass to T.O. as the ball explodes and the leather shards permanently blind him. It's also amazing to me that the Giants STILL they don't get any respect or attention. What do they have to do, win the first game on the moon?

(UPDATE: I wrote the above sentence weeks ago, before Romo broke his pinky and could be out for up to 4 weeks. Thanks!)

5. Football Night In America. Lousy name, lousy show, brought to you by lousy NBC Sports. While the team of commentators (Costas, Collingsworth, King, Tiki, Jerome, etc.) are mildly irritating, nothing is worse than the has-been dream-team of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann. The latter is especially glib and unfunny in the role he's rehashing for NBC, as if he's saying, "Kick me off MSNBC's political reporting for being too smug a prick about McCain, eh? Why, I'll be so insufferable doing football highlights they'll HAVE to reinstate me!" I think it's all a ploy to make Madden seem brilliant by comparison. It's working, because it's actually enjoyable to listen to him after all of NBC's jackassery. (Oh, and the John Williams theme music makes me constantly look over my shoulder to see if there's an evil Darth Someone about to stick a lightsabre in my Jar-Jar Binks.)

4. So many abysmal teams with ancient, boring QBs. Kerry Collins, Gus Frerotte, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia--the 2008 NFL season is going to be known as The Year Of The Old White Guy. Do you mean to tell me there isn't one college QB from the past 10 years that are better than Gus Frerotte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, J.T. O'Sullivan and Sage Rosenfeld? Speaking of, check out this craptastic play by Lions "quarterback" Dan Orlovsky:



Where the hell did you think you were running? We're not in Canada! Good God, you suck.

3. The commercials. Good Lord, they're interminable. Kickoff, then 4 minutes of commercials, 3 and out drive, punt, more commercials, a couple of plays, timeout, more commercials--FUCK! While watching a game is excruciating, I can't imagine even GOING to a game any more, it would seem endless. At least if I'm at home or at a bar, I can find something else to do to pass the time.

Not only are the commercials never-ending, but they're also incredibly fucking dumb. After watching a lot of Discovery HD over the summer, the plummeting collective IQ of the marketing campaigns saved just for football fans feels like a spike driven into my frontal lobe Here's the trifecta of ubiquitious and annoying ads I have to endure.

* "How will I know if my beer is cold if the little Coors mountain doesn't turn blue?!?" I don't know, maybe you can tell because IT'S IN YOUR FUCKING HAND? How about you break the bottle over your head and feel it that way? Assholes.

* Budweiser American Ale. An American style ale brought to you by a Belgian owned company! Woo hoo! I know they're probably referring to the style, but I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively. In fact, I would love if people revolved and stopped buying their shit, but that will probably never happen as long as they keep putting out groundbreaking products like light beer with lime flavoring in it. Go get fucked, A-B.

* Heineken wants you to believe that because the city of Amsterdam is great, this means that their skunktacular beer must be great. However, they use "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis as the background music. Why did they choose a song by a band from Scotland to tell you how great the Netherlands' biggest city is? If Amsterdam was so DAM GOOD, they should at least have one good band, no?

2. Monday Night Football. I can avoid listening to ESPN talking heads during the week by just not turning the channel on. But when your team plays on Monday night, and the radio feed is 30 seconds ahead of the action, what can you do? Seriously, the commentators are atrocious this season, constantly undermined by chatty jackass Tony Kornheiser. ESPNABCDISNEY needs to bring back Dennis Miller. And no, I'm not kidding.

1. Instant replay. They just don't seem to get it right. Personally, I would love to see it removed from all sports, and have the referees just say, "Fuck you, I'm calling it on the field". Instead, they're afraid to make a call (or in the case of Ed "Herculis" Hocholi, a little overeager), and they huddle up to make sure they're all making up the same story. Because no matter what they call, someone will complain about it.

NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: SCHADENBRADY

I thought it was about time I chimed in on the whole Tom Brady issue. In Week 1 this season, NFL's Golden Boy QB had the ACL and MCL in his left knee torn asunder, knocking him out for the rest of the season. Just allow me to say one thing: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

After his team was caught cheating last year he became Bill "Bully" Belichick's bitch, gleefully running up the score on every team (except the stellar Giants D in the Super Bowl, of course), which makes this injury sweet karmic retribution for everyone involved. If the Super Bowl XLII loss was the icing on the cake, this is the cherry soaked in bourbon and dipped in fine dark chocolate.

The best thing about it is the whining of New England fans. Their tears taste like drops of the finest Belgian abbey ale, and their cries of "the NFL won't be the same!" (god, I hope this is a joke, but I fear it's not) are like a sweet Mozart violin concerto to my ears.

Boston.com blog - Tom Brady Injured
Boston.com blog - Brady Out For Season
Brady out: This one really hurts

Curt Schilling, speaking on behalf of all Masshole douchebags, claims that NY fans are happy about Brady's injury because they're mad that the Yankees stink this season and are jealous of the Boston teams' success. Nope, that's not it, jackass! While I respect Brady's talent, I hate everything that he represents. In my opinion, the NFL can only improve with his absence, as their joyless (and unsuccessful) crusade towards an undefeated season last year sucked the fun out of the game. Now we can see what the other teams in the AFC East are made of, and if that mumbling prick Belichick can coach a team to victory without his smug, supermodel-shagging poster boy. (Bill's career regular season coaching record with Brady is 86-29, and without Brady: 42-58. Staggering.) Also, we'll see if they're a real "team", whose leader is now RANDY freaking MOSS, who conveniently claims to have hurt his back on the SAME PLAY as Brady's knee injury. Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't really feel this way if Pats fans weren't the most insufferable, arrogant fans on the planet--but they are, and I do. And you KNOW they would have raised their doucheiness to all-new levels had this happened to Favre or either Manning. No, it's not schadenfreude, it's just that warm gleeful feeling I get when I realize that there might be some higher justice in the world. Hey, at least it gives Pats fans a built-in excuse if they don't do well this year.

Whatever. Now Tommy B. gets to rehab his knee just like Tiger did: while banging smoking hot chicks on a bed made of money. Let's stop crying and play some football.

Of course, The Onion knocked this one out of the park as well: Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury:

Unfortunately for the NFL, Brady's loss seems to have affected more than just the Patriots and women. Many Boston-area fans of both genders, claiming that the team isn't worth watching without Brady, have concentrated their attention on the waning and somewhat disheveled Red Sox season or the attractive upcoming Celtics' NBA title defense. The sports media has likewise gone into shock, with columnist Bill Simmons saying he will no longer watch football this season, Sports Illustrated canceling large Brady-themed sections of this years' upcoming swimsuit issue, and NBC Football Night In America analyst Cris Collinsworth bursting into tears and collapsing into Peter King's arms upon receiving the news.

"No one else in football has Brady's unique talents—the physical gifts of build, height, arms, cheekbones, piercingly sultry field vision, the combination of arm strength and accuracy with a sense of tenderness, the combination of smirk and pout—along with the intangibles and the ability to look good in everything," said Tom Chiarella, who scouted and evaluated Brady for the September issue of Esquire. "It's impossible to estimate the impact of his loss, but it will almost certainly mean the loss of most female fans, many Boston-area fans, fair-weather fans, and the majority of mainstream media fans. The NFL is really looking at a worst-case scenario here, one that it never wanted to happen: A football season that's only watched by actual football fans."

THANK YOU, STRAHAN!

After 15 years in the NFL, Giants DE Michael Strahan is calling it a career. After 7 Pro Bowls, 2 season sack titles and several playoff near-misses (including a Super Bowl loss to the Ravens in 2000), one wondered if he'd ever get the chance to win a Super Bowl.

This February the speculation ended as the Giants beat the previously undefeated Patriots in SB XLII.



2007 NEW YORK GIANTS - SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS!

(Nope. That will never get old.)

Here's the final tackle of his career: naturally, it was a sack, and it was a huge one.



Strahan exemplified everything that the phrase "Giants D" has come to represent. He was a fantastic player and team leader, and it's great that he gets to go out on top.

STRAHAN!!!!!!

SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!

This is going to be the best football off-season ever. I had such an enjoyable week just basking in the warmth of the Giants Super Bowl victory. You have no idea.

The Giants Super Bowl Tuesday parade and stadium celebration was all about Michael Strahan. He was completely off the rails, and it was hilarious. Here's a video clip of him at Giants Stadium as he imitates Howard Dean.



He's working on the comedy act for his post-NFL television career, no doubt. But the best quote is his message to the Patriots: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!



Meanwhile, everyone's new media darling, Eli Manning visited the Late Show With David Letterman the other night, and got in a few good lines.

Dave: What did you feel when you saw [Belichick] sneaking off the field like that?
Eli: Trying to beat traffic, I guess.

I don't know if someone wrote that for him, but it's priceless. Will he be the next sports figure to host SNL? Stay tuned.

One additional note: the field angle shot shown in the Letterman clip was great, but even more interesting was the amount of Giants jerseys you can see in the crowd. Look behind Eli (at around :50) while he's making his GIANT ESCAPE, and you see practically all Giants jerseys. I heard that this Super Bowl was different than previous games due to the large amount of ACTUAL FANS in attendance, which I suppose that was due to the massive amount of corporate ties for people in New York and Boston. So while the corporate douchebags reselling the tickets are enjoying the cash they made, at least some actual fans got to see the game and enjoy the priceless Giants victory.

Here's how WFAN's Bob Papa called that play on the radio. While I don't understand how he considered Tyree to be "wide open", it was still a thousand times better than Joe Buck's blase call on FOX. Just like emotionless call of the Tynes winning FG in Green Bay, he sounded like he was reading the instructions on a soup can. Yes, I know it's a visual medium and you don't have to be as descriptive, but at least show a little emotion. Because if you can't get excited about what NFL Films' Steve Sabol calls "the greatest play in Super Bowl history" (a guy who has been to every Super Bowl, I might add), why are you even doing the play-by-play? Your dad was a legend, but you are an asshat. Fuck you, Joe Buck.

So that's it for now regarding the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS.

(I repeat: that will never get old.)

NEW YORK GIANTS: SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS!

I can't believe what I just saw.

The Giants just won the Super Bowl, beating the previously undefeated Patriots 17-14, in one of the most improbable and stunning upsets ever.

Wow. I'm so giddy right now, I can't even express myself in words. So here are some pics.





That pass from Eli Manning, as he somehow avoided a sack, to David Tyree will be one for the ages.




And the winning TD catch by Plaxico Burress, one of only 2 he would make all night, a 13 yarder with 35 seconds left would send the Patriots home losers.



Like I've said before, just tell Eli there's 2 minutes left and send him out there.

What a fantastic game.

You can't beat the Boston Globe's reaction to the devastating loss:

Giants ruin Patriots' quest for perfection with 17-14 stunner

There'll be no Hub parade on Super Tuesday. No commemorative books about "Path to Perfection." In New England, the church bells all are broken. Two-touchdown favorites and touted as possibly the greatest football team of all-time, the Patriots were beaten by the Giants, 17-14, in Super Bowl XLII.

Hey, don't cry New England fans: 18-1 is still pretty nice.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

SUCK IT, BRADY!!!

NEW YORK GIANTS - SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS!

(Yes, I realize I didn't use the term Hyper-Match 101010 in this post. Screw the NFL, they can sue me.)

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS!

During the NFL's insufferable FORTNIGHT OF JACKASSERY leading up to this Sunday's HYPER-MATCH 101010, I would usually just turn off the radio and television in order to avoid the media coverage completely. However, with my team, the Giants, representing the NFC I was forced to wear earplugs and blindfolds for the duration, removing them only to watch hockey (could be true). I also made it a point to not visit any sports websites that didn't rhyme with "Fredspin" or "Missing Floozy Folder". Basically, everyone takes 5 minutes of analysis and spreads it out over 2 horrific weeks. Call me crazy, but I'm not listening to a guy who didn't watch this Giants team play for the past 20 weeks, yet has suddenly become an expert on the subject. Even more maddening, the non-sports media can't shut up about it either, covering related stories that no one cares about, like the expensive commercials, the halftime show, how to throw a party, the mayors' bets and blabbity blabbity blah.

So this will be my only preview post concerning pro football's HYPER-MATCH. I'm only going to interrupt the festivities to bring you BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS, of the variety that ESPN News is known for. For example, yesterday on the channel it informed me on the bottom of the screen:

BREAKING NEWS: New England Patriots and New York Giants play in Super Bowl XLII Sunday 6 PM. Be sure to tune into ESPN this Sunday for the EUROPEAN FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIP.

Good to know. Well, here at the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG we have this item just coming in--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Pats QB Tom Brady is an attractive human being of the male gender. He has won previous HYPER-MATCHES in his career, the number of which is still unknown. Stay tuned!

So you see, there really isn't anything new to repor--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Wes Welker is white.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Despite team's success, Coach Coughlin is still a screaming moron.

Okay, I don't know why that was "breaking", it wasn't like we didn't already know . . . wait a sec . . .

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Rob is reporting that "Brady is setting up for some kind of Schilling phony bloody sock thing this Sunday, with his 'sprained' ankle."

Okay, at least this is something, and I agree. He's still milking that? He probably took notes from T.O. a few weeks back: 1. Wear a boot and/or use crutches in the presence of cameramen. 2. If you have a great game people will shower you with golden praise and call you Superman; if not, you have a built-in excuse for your crappy play. It's a WIN-WIN, people!

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Eli Manning is Peyton's little brother. It has been confirmed that they are both Archie Manning's sons. Yet they're not exactly alike, for some unknown reason which we've yet to uncover. Stay tuned!

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Kris is reporting from OPEN HOCKEY'S French office: "Sorry, it's been foretold by Tecmo Bowl . . . no use even playing the game now."



Yeah, you're right, now that Tecmo has spoken the game is a mere formality. The background music is freaking great; all it's missing is Harry Kalas' narration:

Everything was coming up Big Blue, until Eli threw an ill-advised pass across his body into the end zone for an INT . . .
Before long the record-setting combination would hook up again, as Brady dropped back 30 yards to throw an 80 yard bomb to Moss . . .
On 2nd and 3, Jacobs had a wide open hole that closed before he could find it . . .

IT'S LIKE I'M SEEING THE FUTURE.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Puppies are cute! Stay tuned for Puppy Bowl IV!

This is an undisputible fact, but hardly news.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: While most bars have HD-capable flat panel screens installed, most of them still do not have HD. WTF?

During my past two weeks of media avoidance, I discovered that it's quite expensive for bars/restaurants to get DirecTV in HD: a plan that costs less than $100 a month from Cablevision costs over $200 from DirecTV. Furthermore, the satellite provider bases all of their charges on "estimated viewing occupancy", so the more people you can fit in your establishment, the more they bilk you for cash. This is why most bars do not have HD set-ups, or simply have the (exclusive to DirecTV) NFL Sunday Ticket plan without HD. That's poor marketing.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: An anagram for the New England Patriots is "Grow Talent and Penis".

Sorry, that one didn't make any sense. That's it, I'm ending this--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: (YOUR TEAM) is very confident that they will win! This could give the opposing team much needed locker-room bulletin board fodder, which is a proven motivational tool! Stay tuned!

What? Stop th--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Wes Welker is still white.

Okay, enough jackassery. This is all I'm going to say about the Giants team that I root for, despite the fact that they are burdened by playing in the NFL.

The Giants are an inconsistent, mediocre team. They are merely the NFC team that managed to suck the least in 2007. They've played good enough during this playoff run, and while Elisha has been solid (53/85, 599 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 0 FUM, 6 SACKS), and the defense has been serviceable, this in itself will not add up to a win. To get this far they've had to rely on mistakes by the Cowgirls (penalties, interceptions, poor tackling) and the Packers (INT in OT due to reckless gunslinging); they will get no such gifts this Sunday. To say they have to play mistake free football is a massive understatement. If even one player has to re-tie their shoelaces, all is lost.

I said everything was a bonus after they beat Tampa, and then Dallas. But it will be incredibly frustrating to watch this team get this far only to have Tommy Dreamboat & The Super Spies capture yet another HYPER-MATCH ring, thus increasing the douchebaggishness of New England sports fans exponentially. Either way, it's an excuse to get incredibly drunk somewhere on Sunday night and miss work on Monday. I have no delusions that this team is good enough to repeat this feat again, so this may be the last time we see this team in the HYPER-MATCH for a while. I'm going to enjoy this game one way or the other.

Oh crap, not another one--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: An anagram for the New York Giants: Win A Strong Key.

I couldn't agree more.

GO GIANTS!

2007 NFC CHAMPION GIANTS: TYNES IS MONEY

Game winning kicks like this bring out the punsters. These are the worst I could come up with (which means I'm sure some of these have been used):

IT'S ABOUT TYNES!
TYNES IS MONEY!
FOURTH TYNES A CHARM!
OVER-TYNES WINNER!
TYNES TO MAKE THE DONUTS!
TYNES ARE THOSE POINTY THINGS ON A FORK!



That will never, ever get old.

Some things I learned this Sunday:

1. Fuck you, Joe Buck, for calling this exciting end to a thrilling game like you were reading the Starbucks coffee menu. It almost sounds like you were disappointed by the outcome. Your father, Jack Buck, was a legendary announcer. You sir, are a twunt. (We should make the use of this word a regular OH blog feature.)

2. Plaxico Burress sure can have a huge game when he wants to. Enjoy watching Plaxico make Pro Bowl safety Al Harris his bitch. I know I did!

3. The officiating in the NFL is still horrendous. This highlight reel mentions Sam Madison's personal foul call, a mysterious penalty which was somehow missed by all 34 FOX cameras and therefore, as Rob postulated, doesn't exist. Also Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film: Chris Snee's holding call, which erased a go-ahead 4th quarter Bradshaw TD.

4. Speaking of Bradshaws, Terry was the only broadcaster who actually picked the Giants to win. But then again, he's insane.

5. I've heard/seen this 100 times already this week: no one gives a shit that Eddie Murphy predicted the outcome of this game 20 years ago in "Coming To America". And your opinion is wrong, as the movie was not funny.

6. God, I fucking hate the two week break before the BIG GAME. To avoid litigation, Rob has suggested we call it HYPER-MATCH 101010. That would look great on a T-shirt.

7. I love my dad, but watching a game with him multiplies the agony and frustration by a factor of 100.

8. FOX spent more time promoting Tom Petty's halftime show than the actual game. What are his fans called, PETTYPHILES?

GIANTS FOOTBALL: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

I think the word for this would be UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE.

It’s Good, and Giants Head to Super Bowl



Yes, this is the team that I blognosticated would go 7-9 this year. Instead, this enigmatic squad of ne'er-do-wells proved me wrong and made it to BIG GAME­­ #42. It's bizarre, but they got hot at the right time, and Elisha has gone 3 games in a row without a fumble or INT. After witnessing their past playoff debacles, I figured they'd miss that 36 yard game winning FG attempt, but could never have predicted the Corey Webster INT and the 47 yard winner in OT. Unfathomable.

So the Giants are now 4-0 in NFC Championship Games. In BIG GAME history? Uhm, not undefeated. Still, it's been an interesting ride, one that will probably give me a heart attack before it's over. Now they meet the undefeated wicked good Patriots, and Mr. Bookless said it best: "If there is some way the Giants could beat NE in the [biggest football game of the year] I would walk away from watching professional sports. There would simply be no way to ever top that."

I'd have to agree, I'd definitely kiss the NFL goodbye if that happened. But I'd still watch golf and hockey.

So just allow me to repeat the chant screamed by Giants fans who survived the ice bowl at Lambeau last night: LET'S GO GIANTS!

G-MEN BEAT COWGIRLS

Hard to believe.

Giants Advance to the N.F.C. Championship

Yes, the NFL still blows and that was a painful game to endure, with horrible officiating and approximately 65 penalties. But Elisha and the Giants held on to beat the Cowgirls, 21-17, and holy crap was that satisfying to watch. They will now meet the Packers at the Frozen Tundra next Sunday. The forecast? "Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 7." That's Fahrenheit, and that's fucking cold. Anyway, I'm rooting for snow, since it was fun watching that Pack/Seahawks game in whiteout conditions.

Meanwhile, Peyton will be going home, as the Chargers beat the Colts for the rights to be bitchslapped by the Patriots in the AFC title game. Basically, all the Giants needed was for me to pick against them; I went an incredible 1-3 on my weekend blognostications, and that means I'm done for the season. I'm just going to (try to) enjoy the game next week. (I still think they're going to lose.)

GO GIANTS!

UPDATE (11:01 PM): I just saw a clip of TO crying during the postgame press conference, right after a shot of a somehow even paler Jerry Jones looking like he was ready to collapse directly into a coffin. God, I could not be happier right now.

WHY THE NFL BLOWS, AND WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING MORE GOLF

Everyone says this is "the most exciting weekend in the NFL season". However, I beg to differ, and say that maybe 1 of the 4 games this weekend will even be remotely watchable. In other words, lower your expectations.

Here are my blognostications in a nutshell:

* The Packers stink, and somehow will lose to the Seahawks. Yeah, I know, I've been saying that Green Bay is good all year, but they really aren't.

* The Giants will lose in Big D in some bizarre fashion, and we will have to see 45 pictures of Romo and Jessica Simpson in the process. But not to worry: Fucking Coach Coughlin will get a 3 year extension.

* The Colts will beat the Chargers in the most boring game ever, featuring an NFL record number of false start penalties.

* The Pats will romp the Jags, giving birth to even more arrogant Massholes.

There you have it. The NFL. Meh.

But this is the crux of my posting: I saw a "Quest For Lombardi" commercial the other day, referencing the trophy named after the legendary coach that's awarded to the Super Big Game winner. However, they had the nerve to put Terrell Owens in this commercial. He is the polar opposite of everything Lombardi believed in. He could care less about teamwork, respect, dedication to the sport, and winning. TO is all about TO, and he couldn't give two shits about his teammates, his coaches, the fans, the media, or anyone that isn't named "Terrell Owens".

The whole "I might not play because I'm so badly injured" drama preceding the Giants game basically serves two purposes: 1) to give him an excuse if he has a shitty game, and 2) to get the media to lavish attention on him. It's pathetic what this league, and the sports media, has become. To put it bluntly, the league is shitting all over its own tradition by saying "TO" and "Lombardi" in the same breath. The NFL should be ashamed of itself, and its billions of dollars.

This may not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me or reads this blog, but golf is really the only pure sport that's left. Last night I came to the realization that it is the only sport that is universally appreciated. The NFL is only big in the States, soccer is big everywhere but the US, hockey is only really popular in North America, baseball is not followed at all in Europe, F1 racing isn't as big as NASCAR in the States--you get the picture. In addition, there are no contracts, no incentive clauses, trades, free agency, or superagents. When you leave the golf course at the end of a tournament, you are paid exactly what you deserve according to how you performed on the golf course. Period.

So as always, I'm just going to be watching more golf. Less than 90 days until the Masters!

WEEKLY TOP 10: WHAT I LEARNED DURING WINTER VACATION

10. Capital One Bowl Week can turn out to be a dud. Compared to last year, there was not one compelling bowl game all week. I'm glad I paid attention to the regular season, because that's when all the great games happened.

9. A hot toddy made with Woodford Reserve bourbon, lemon, honey and cloves KICKS ASS. That's how I rang in 2008.

8. Rob says this might be the funniest line of the year, and I might have to agree with him (from The Onion's hilarious Our Dumb World Atlas):

MALAWI: Come For The Food Shortages, Stay Because You've Died.

7. While it's a very funny show, "The Larry Sanders Show" is no "Honeymooners". I watched episodes of both shows on New Years Day, and let's just say that Garry Shandling's Other Show, while funny, hasn't aged all that well. Plus, the washed-out DVD transfer (from 2002) makes it look even older than it actually is.

6. For some reason, I can't learn the lyrics to most late 60s/early 70s classic rock songs that grew up listening to as a kid. If I didn't know the words then, I don't know them now. Even if I look them up online, they just don't stick. I guess if you've heard "Brown Sugar" 500 times without knowing what the hell Mick Jagger is saying, you can't expect to figure it out after reading the lyric sheet once.

5. I'm surprisingly good at "Dance Dance Revolution". No, really. Especially when songs like a-ha's "Take On Me" and Chic's "Le Freak" come on, I'm unstoppable.

4. Screw the New Jersey Devils for putting such a beautiful hockey arena in Newark. Additionally, screw the PATH train for being so useless: it took two trains and 45 minutes to get from New York to Newark. After unleashing a litany of expletives during this frustrating detour (which I could blame on my drunkness, or the fact that I had just contracted an upper respiratory infection), I later realized that I would make a lousy competitor on "The Amazing Race".

3. The typical NFL game blows, especially when compared to any Madden NFL '08 game. Seriously, the PS2 version is fantastic, and can only imagine what the "next gen" ones are like. In fact, it's so realistic, Giants QB Elisha threw 3 INTs before finally settling down and throwing two TDs before getting injured, in a poorly played 14-6 win over the Redskins. Eerie.

2. I respect the guy for keeping at it, but Dick Clark needs to retire. It's just sad to hear him struggle through a simple sentence, and this time around he actually said "HAPPY DEW YEAR". I also officially think the "rockin' eve" concept is officially dead when all you have is Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, whoever the hell they are.



1. Not a new revelation, but Ginger Man is the best beer bar in NYC. I already suspected this, but I had to visit a second time to make sure. Blue Point Oatmeal Stout from the cask was fantastic.

WEEKLY TOP 10: BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

This is the last Top 10 of 2007. Enjoy!

10. It's not supposed to get above 30° today, which in meteorological terms is "fucking freezing". I have to say that the snow looks amazing; because there was a little ice/rain at the end of the snowstorm on Sunday, there is a glistening, frozen shell over everything. My first thought was: how far could I putt a golf ball across that?

9. You know the little bag that a Lipton teabag comes in? What's that called? A teabag bag? I wonder if that's on the Lipton.com FAQ.

8. I went to the bar three days last week, at least one of those trips was in order to get a discount to join the gym from one of the bartenders (name withheld). After all that drinking, I never got the form from her (okay, her name is Stalky McStalkerson). I guess that means I have to drink EVEN MORE so eventually I can join up. Ironic, isn't it?

7. After two seasons, Ricky Gervais' "Extras" wrapped up with a "series finale special" the way a quality show is supposed to. Not only did it make a statement about the vacuous, empty lives of celebrities, it also left its two main characters on an 'up' note (unlike the depressing BBC version of "The Office"). In other words, something ACTUALLY HAPPENED on the show's series finale, unlike "The Sopranos". Plus, George Michael and Clive Owen did hilarious, self-deprecating cameos, and where else are you going to find that?

6. Barry Zuckerkorn > Arthur Fonzerelli.





5. The Giants suck. They lost to the pathetic Redskins last night, powered by Elisha Manning's 18/52 for 184 performance, his 34 incompletions being the worst shitshow since Joe "I Wanna Kiss You" Namath did it in 1967. Why do I bother? What a shitastic team this 2007 squad is. I've said I'm not talking about Coughlin anymore until he's fired, but of course he won't since they'll back into the playoffs because the NFC is god awful.

4. I am tired of Xmas shopping. I had to buy something at TJ Maxx last week, and they invariably have the world's slowest lines--it made me want to stab someone in the neck. And for some reason, every time I have to return something at Target there's always some elderly person in front of me that wants to return something without a receipt that they bought from a Montgomery Ward catalogue from 1959 and still expect to get cash back for. Oh, and from now on, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO WRITE CHECKS. Get a free debit card, it will save everyone time, for Christ's sake. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

3. HBO's "The Wire" is a better crime drama than "The Sopranos". Period. The acting is better, the story lines more interesting, and overall it's a hell of a lot more realistic. And technically speaking, "The Sopranos" never spent that much time on the actual crime, it was always A.J. crying or some nonsense about Meadow's boyfriend--gah! Anyway, I'm halfway through Season 2, and trying to catch up in time for Season 5 which starts in less than a month (Jan 6, 2008). Wish me luck.

2. Note to people who don't clean off their car roof before driving on the highway: screw you. If I see you walking behind me at the store, I'm going to randomly throw ice cubes over my shoulder at your head. Maybe you can swerve out of the way of them, maybe you can't. Either way, I would suggest wearing a helmet.

1. Zooey Deschanel rocks. Here's a clip of her from the movie "Elf" singing "Baby It's Cold Outside" (with Will Ferrell). I wouldn't mind the cold outside if Zooey was in my shower.

WAYS TO MAKE SUNDAY'S JETS/PATRIOTS GAME MORE COMPETITIVE

In the epic battle between the 3-10 Jets vs. the 13-0 Patriots, a game for the ages in which the Patriots were initially favored by 27 points--ahhh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a complete shitshow. I'll tune in, but I'm really just praying for a snowstorm, a season-ending injury and a possible fist fight between coaches.

How could the NFL make this game more competitive? We asked the experts (ourselves) and here's some of their proposals:

• When Patriots have the ball, they have a “shot clock”: they have to score or turn the ball over in 24 seconds. (Rob)
• Patriots have to play with sausage in their pockets while wild dogs run free on the field. (Rob)
• 3 times per half, Jets are allowed to call time and stop the action at any point during the play. (Rob)
• When the Jets are on offense, a Wilson Pee Wee size football is used. When Patriots are on offense, a cannonball is used. (Rob)
• Tom Brady will be "steady QB" (he has to play for both sides). (Karl)
• Patriots offense must wear blindfolds. (Jeff K)
• Jets offense: first down = 5 pts. (Jeff K)
• Patriots defense must shout out 7 "Mississippis" before rushing the QB. (Jeff K)
• Jets defense can use two-hand touch. (Jeff K)
• Jets and Pats cheerleaders both allowed on the field of play. (Karl)
• Randy Moss must get shock collar, [Jets' coach] Mangini gets to hold the remote trigger. (Karl)
• For a touch of realism, the Patriots can only wear clothing made before 1776, including those stupid tri-corner hats instead of helmets, while the Jets are allowed to advance the ball by using actual jets. (Jeff K)
• Jets get extra points for "clown catches". For example, diving catch = 3 points. A diving catch in end zone = 7 x 3 = 21 points. (Kris)
• Game must be played mano a mano in Madden 08. (Karl)
  

• Jets must use one of those super-distance Nerf balls, along with Velcro stick-em gloves. (Jeff K)
• Pats must use the skin of a freshly killed pig. (Jeff K)
• Jets: extra points if Suzy Kolber kisses Joe Namath. ("I could care less about the team struggggling.") Pats: negative points if Amanda Kremer kisses Tom Brady. (Jeff K)

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOW BROUGHT TO YOU APPROXIMATELY ONCE A MONTH!

10. It's been a while since we've seen a cheerleader up here, so allow me to present a (San Diego) Charger Girl wearing a hot-as-hell Halloween costume. Thanks Pro Cheerleader Blog!



Now you know why I'm a Devils fan.

BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed that Katie, the member of the Jills I featured who tried to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots, apparently DID NOT manage to hit it very far. Take it from me: get spikes on those boots. I forgot my golf shoes the last time I played, and it sucked playing in sneakers.

9. The KFC Family Meal has been around for years, and I thought it used to feature 10 pieces of chicken and maybe some biscuits and mashed potatoes. However, it now appears that this artery-destroying caloric monstrosity also includes cole slaw, soda, chips and a chocolate cake. That's right. It's as if they sat in a boardroom and said, "Yes, our customers are fat, but they could get fatter. What else could we possibly add to make this meal deal even more harmful for their health?" "Fuck it, throw in a cake."

8. The news is dire out of Southern California: Hollywood movie and television writers are threatening to go on strike in a dispute over DVD royalties. So this means such entertainment gems such as "Saw IV", "According To Jim" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" will all but disappear? Whatever will we watch? There are only 2,304,985,932 movies/TV shows that I could choose to watch instead! How will we survive? I haven't felt this much panic since I heard that Broadway stagehands, who make an average of $115,000 annually, might go on strike, leaving such literary and cultural institutions such as "Mamma Mia" twisting in the wind.

I have just three words: FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD. You're completely unnecessary. And you can print that, and pay me to option it into a movie.

7. Is there such a thing as natural fiber dental floss? I hate throwing away a foot-long strand of non-biodegrading PTFE every time a bit of food gets stuck in between my teeth This sounds like a simple product to make all-natural (wax and twine--actually, that sounds like it would hurt a lot when I put it like that).

6. Last night, we went to the River Palm Terrace in Mahwah, NJ for ALL STEAKS DAY and it managed to live up to the hype that Rob bestowed upon it. Every last milligram of meat that made up my filet mignon was fantastic. Although I'm a little woozy today because I hit the 'trifecta': vodka, wine, beer. Or more accurately, the trifecta hit me.

5. Weird pair spotted on late night TV: Ron Paul and Sex Pistols. Mr. Paul and Mr. Rotten are basically the same age, and have an equal chance of becoming President, so it's not that much of a stretch. Still, it was bizarre to hear Johnny Rotten giving a shout-out to him during "Anarchy in the UK", a song which may have had some impact 30 years ago but has now been rendered utterly meaningless due to the fact it was performed on "The Tonight Show". Oh, and I'd rather have a chimp interview Ron Paul, as Leno is a fucking dunce.

5. This whole "Stephen Colbert for President" thing has yielded some funny jokes, but it's also a little scary since a surprising number claim that they'd actually vote for him. As it turns out, after choosing the Democratic Party due to its cheaper "ballot filing fee" ($2,500 vs. $35,000 for the Reps), he has been denied requests to be placed on the Sout Carolina primary ballot.

As a rule I don't read NY Times editorials, but I made an exception for Colbert's.

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick. Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

4. Speaking of not needing writers, The Amazing Race returns for a 12th season on Sunday night, thanks to the cancellation of "musical dramady" Viva Laughlin. All you need to know about that show is this: "It occasionally has the actors break into contemporary song." Sweet jebus, it's Cop Rock in a casino. Anyway, TAR is the only "unscripted" "reality" show I can watch and I'm looking forward to TARXII. More on that later.

3. Here's your NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Indianapolis is 7-0, winners of 12 in a row dating back to last year (including BIG GAME 41), and they're GETTING 4½ points at home. Undefeated home dome underdog? We're pretty sure that's never happened in the history of the NFL. The Patriots have been dickishly running up the score on everyone, but the juggernaut gets temporarily derailed this week as Peyton has a perfect turnover-free day and they win by 10. (Seriously, with the SAWKS winning the World Series, the Celts getting KG, BC being the #2 team in NCAA football, and the Bruins actually playing competitive hockey, Boston sports fans need to be knocked down a peg.)

While the Colts are good, this "Quest For The Ring" shit is awful. Jim Irsay looks like a gay Willy Wonka.

2. Even though the Giants managed to win against the lowly Dolphins, that game at Wembley was completely horrible--LONDON BORING. Also, couldn't FOX find any songs by British atrists recorded after 1983? All they could find was bands like The Clash, The Jam, Madness and The Police (I may have heard Oasis, but since they're musically stuck in 1967, they don't count). What about Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Fatboy Slim, Gorillaz, or Bloc Party? Even the Spice Girls would have been more timely. It was like the British version of Tuney McOldsong.

1. If you haven't seen this game-winning, last-second 68 yard play, featuring 15 laterals and a lot of defensive players standing around befuddled, here's your chance to see it from the end zone view. The aftermath: Trinity University (TX) beat Millsaps College 28-24 in this Division III matchup, keeping them alive a conference title.



Just incredible.

LIVE BLOG: NINERS @ GIANTS - 2ND HALF

3rd Quarter
Okay, so much for the D playing well. Madison is apparently done for the day, as he let Ashley Lelie, proud owner of one of the NFL's sissiest names, slip behind him and catch a bomb from Trent Fucking Dilfer down inside the 30 yard line.

After a group sack, Antonio Pierce jumped into the pile about 5 seconds after the play ended. He's has been called for two roughing the pansy penalties, and he's been very late on both of them. Calm down, Tony.

According to this fucking creepy commercial, Old Spice deodorant will grow hair on your chest. I guarantee people who are balding will start rubbing this on their heads.

UMENYIORA!!! He just pummeled Dilfer (for season sack #8), picked up a fumble and ran it back 77 yards for a TD. That's more like it! He didn't have to do that "stop just before the end zone and back in and spike it" though, but I'll take it. Since the Niners were about to score, I think it's safe to say that was the official turning point of the game. 26-7 Giants.

Eli is sacked, followed by a blocked punt out the back of the end zone for a safety. Sweet fancy moses. The Niners comeback begins now. 26-9 Giants.

I mentioned my favorite memory regarding these two teams, so here's my least favorite: the 49ers beating the Giants 39-38 in the NFC divisional game on Jan 6, 2003. The game ended on a botched winning FG attempt, and a pass interference call that the refs admitted later that they blew. Although it never should have gotten to that point, as the 49ers came back from being down 38-14 at one point. This was the game that taught me two things: 1) never get too emotionally attached to a sports team, and 2) never trust the referees ever again.

Shockey just fought for a nice first down to the 38 yard line, 13 yards on 3rd and 10. Now, THAT'S the Shockey I want to see more of.

I don't think Eli is happy with his career best 60% completion percentage, so he decided to overthrow Plax Mouthrinse by about 40 yards. I also get the feeling that he's starting to pick up his brother's annoying pre-snap routine. He shouldn't be allowed to talk to Peyton at all during the season.

I think UPS using a song by the band Postal Service for their commercials is an ironic slap in the face.

What is that graphic wipe? A black ghost of some sort? It's not as fucking ponderous as the Transformers logo, but it's close.

Punt, commercial, one play, commercial. What the fuck, NFL? Since the UMENYIORA fumble recovery TD, this game has been completely shitty. Let's check some other scores. Only 42 points for the Pats? They took their foot off the gas pedal, very disappointing.

4th Quarter
This Niners team is not good at all. This game is over. That's right, I said it.

The CD player is on full time now, playing Portishead's "It Could Be Sweet". If they keep winning like this, it could be sweet, indeed.

And Pierce intercepts a Dilfer pass and takes it down to the 5. Nice tackle by Dilfer too. I don't understand why they're passing constantly, when their only offensive threat is Gore.

Give it to Jacobs four straight times if you have to now, boys.

On 3rd down, we have a roughing the pansy call on Eli, due to a weak "blow to the head" call. 1st down and goal. Like I said, GIVE IT TO JACOBS FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. DON'T MAKE ME DRIVE DOWN TO EAST RUTHERFORD.

Okay, play action pass to Shockey for a TD. That's fine with me. Is that his first score this season? (Edit: no, it's his second, he had one vs. the Jets.) 33-9 Giants.

FOX is already done with this game too, as they show the Giants' upcoming schedule: @MIA, bye, DAL, @DET, MIN. And none of those games are at 8 PM! Hmmm, 3-1 is not out of the question over that stretch. Hopefully, this is the same defense that shows up against Dallas.

Frank Gore has only gotten the ball 14 times all day, only thrice in the 2nd half. When you're putting the game on Dilfer's shoulders, you are probably going to lose. (Edit: Gore has spent a lot of time on the bench "with an ankle". I spent a lot of time on the coach "with an ankle" as well.) Although he's got the Favre stubble look down. Good for Trent.

Career high for Jacobs, 107 yards and a TD. We're going to need to see more of that.

4 minutes left, and we have a QB Anthony Wright sighting, as he's running around in his own end zone. Yeesh. What about WR Scientific Mix? I can't take any more of this. Giants win 33-15.

Look at these awful late games: KC @ OAK, NYJ @ CIN, CHI @ PHL, STL @ SEA, MIN @ DAL, PIT @ DEN at 8 PM. Good lord. The Redskins somehow won (Cards missed a late 2 point conversion that would have tied it up), so I'm rooting for a Dallas loss at 4 PM, and I hope Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson lights them up.

Here's your stats for the Pats' QB in their 49-24 win: 21/25, 354 YDS, 6 TD (career high), 0 INT. They are just pummeling the crap out of the league right now, and Brady has been just stellar.

The Texans scored 29 points in the 4th to go ahead 36-35 with 2:16 left, only to lose on a last second FG to the Titans, 38-36. Ha ha ha ha! The NFL! It's shitastic!

LIVE BLOG: NINERS @ GIANTS - 1ST HALF

San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants.

I'm going to live blog this for the hell of it, because I can. The G-Men, winners of 4 in a row, are way overdue for a letdown game that Coughlin coached teams always have. This could be the week! Woo hoo!

1st Quarter
I tuned in at 1:03 PM and so far there hasn't been one video clip of Leonard Marshall obliterating Joe Montana. What are you waiting for, jackasses? I also heard that Matt Bahr and Jeff Hostetler were on hand for the coin toss, but it wasn't televised. Thanks for the voluminous ALCS promos though. Fuck you right in the pants, FOX.

The Niners have a pathetic 63 points scored in 5 games. We thought the Bills 65 points was awesomely bad, but that's sad.

A relatively impressive opening drive for the Giants, scoring on a TD pass to Amani Toomer. 49 TDs is the new Giants record, previously held by Kyle Rote. No, I actually don't know who held it before. (Edit: It actually was Rote.) And the PAT was missed. God, this team is going to be the death of me. 6-0 Giants.

They just said "because of the heat down here the Giants are trying to get the Niners defense to run a lot". It's a beautiful sunny 68 degree fall day. What heat? Oh, it's Tony Siragusa who is bothered by the heat, mainly because he's a 400 pound fat fuck who's wearing a black wool coat. Dicktard.

And that's it. It only took me 15 minutes of Tony Siragusa's useless sideline jackassery to unplug the center channel from my surround sound receiver. This is a welcome option thanks to these games being broadcast in Dolby Digital: you don't have to hear the announcers at all, if you so choose. This is sort of like the "silent" game back in 1985 1980, Jets vs. Dolphins. If only I could figure out some way for my receiver to also mute "This is Ouuuuuuur Couuuuuuuntry", then I'd be set.

Maybe it wasn't his fault, but Eli just threw one of his patented crap INTs inside the red zone. There might be an incentive clause in his contract for these.

Why do FOX's game graphics need to make so much noise? Whoooosh! Shwoooop! Bzzzz-click! Blip blip blip shhhhwonk! What is the fucking point of that? I may just put the CD player on.

2nd Quarter
The Giants defense is playing well. However, they just let Trent Dilfer escape and scamper for 11 yards and a near first down. Trent Fucking Dilfer! Someone needs to Leonard Marshall his dick into the dirt right away, as payback for that Super Bowl back in 2001.

On 4th and 1, Frank Gorshen--uhm, Gore is stopped right at the first down marker . . . but they're not even going to measure apparently. That was too close for these shitty refs to eyeball, in my opinion, but okay. And of course, the Niners score. 7-6 Niners.

A fumble recovery by UMENYIORA leads to a Brandon Jacobs TD. He's been a bull in the first half, 86 yards. 13-7 Giants.

Sam Madison has done nothing this year, but after that INT he decided to make some dumb victory dance, wherein he gives the baseball "safe" sign for some godforsaken reason. Was that a FOX promo for baseball? Anyway, thanks for that.

FOX uses "London Calling" by the Clash for next week's Miami/Giants in London promo. Spinning tunes tonight, DJ Obvious! I hope they don't let the Aquatic Mammals beat them down in Trafalgar Square or wherever they play, that would be horrible.

Despite not being able to kick an extra point after from 7 feet away, Tyner managed 2 FGs in the half of 29 and 39 yards, respectively. 19-7 Giants.

Holy crap, the Patriots are murdering the Dolphins to the tune of 42-7. Brady's halftime stats: 16/19, 291 yds, 5 TDs. The New England Cheaters certainly have a chip on their collective shoulders this year, and Bill Simmons is sporting a huge boner right now. That can only lead to a messy release when the Sox win Game 7 tonight.

The NFL team record for most points in a game by a single team is 72, by Washington vs. N.Y. Giants on Nov. 27, 1966. I don't know what the record is since the merger, but there's a good chance the Pats break that record today.

Here's the problem with the NFL: there are so many mediocre teams, there are no compelling matchups. We've gotten to the point where only the teams' fans would give a shit. Look at the 1 PM games: ATL @ NO, TB @ DET, ARI @ WAS, BAL @ BUF, TEN @ TEX. Ugh. And that last game on the list currently features the exciting QB matchup of Kerry Collins versus Sage Rosenfeld. I wish I were joking.

I will be not be watching the halftime jackassery, starring Terry and the Fucktards.

NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: THE HIT

Since the San Francisco 49ers are playing the New York Giants today, I felt the need to post my happiest memory of all of their matchups: a picture of THE HIT, Leonard Marshall knocking out Joe Montana in the 1990 NFC Championship game, won thanks to Matt Barr's 5 FGs, 15-13.



This was #3 on this FOX Sports list of the Top 10 Most Devastating Hits, though it will always be #1 in my heart (with Stevens vs. Lindros being #2):

Leading 13-9 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter against the Giants, Montana rolled to his right, unaware that Marshall was closing in on his blind side. At the exact wrong moment, Montana stopped rolling right and sidestepped Lawrence Taylor by jumping backward, right into the path of the 6-3, 288-pound Marshall. The impact that flattened Montana was so violent his subsequent fumble ended up 14 yards down the field. The Niners somehow recovered that fumble, but with Montana knocked out of the game by the hit, they would fall to the G-Men, 15-13, after a late Roger Craig fumble gave New York new life.

In what ended up being his last play as a Niner, he suffered a bruised sternum, bruised stomach, cracked ribs, and a broken hand. But it was the look on Joe's face on the sidelines that was priceless, as he obviously didn't know where he was: "Has anybody seen my little brown doggy?"

That might have been the most satisfying championship of all: they made the playoff run with backup Jeff Hostetler, had to get through Ditka's Chicago Bears, the San Francisco 49ers (who were going for a 3rd Super Bowl title) and the Buffalo Bills' offensive juggernaut. I'm 100% certain that I won't ever feel the way I did about the Giants as I did that year.

(God, I hope they replay THE HIT today.)

NOTES ON THE 2007 NFL SEASON: BIG BLEW!

• Before the Week 1 games started, Rob & I could rattle off over a dozen teams off the top of our heads that we couldn't name the starting QB for: Minnesota, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Denver, Cleveland, Detroit, Atlanta, Washington, Tampa Bay, San Francisco, Kansas City. That's 14 teams out of 32 that don't even have a recognizable player leading their offense! Sad, but true. I'm not saying that every QB in the 1990s was a world beater, but at least they were household names, either in the pros or college or both.

• Because of the ridiculous size and speed of NFL players, I commented that someone is going to suffer a horrible crippling injury this year, or perhaps even die on the field during a game. Sure enough, Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett suffered a severe spinal injury during their Week 1 vs. Denver. When you have 280 pound HGH-fueled behemoths who can run 4.6 second 40-yard dashes collide at full speed, things like this are bound to happen.

• CBS does the best job of all the networks, especially with the NFL. They have the best announcers (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Gus Johnson, Chris Gumbel, etc), the nicest looking HD broadcast, and the least caustic pregame show (for those who feel the need to watch them). ESPN treats Monday Night Football like it's the Video Music Awards; NBC has determined you need 17 analysts to properly deliver the game to you (Keith Olbermann? Really?); FOX's pregame circus is irritating, as is their endless in-game promos and distracting (and unnecessarily noisy) game graphics.

(Add to this that CBS hosts The Masters and the NCAA tournament, and there's no contest.)

• No one gives a fuck what Tiki Barber has to say. No one. Wait, let me count again. Nope, still zero.

• Putting a captain's C on various NFL players is pretty stupid. There's also no rhyme or reason to it: it might be an offensive player, 2 defensive players, or both, or neither. Note to NFL: the captaincy thing only works in NHL hockey.

• For my money (e.g., for free), Kissing Suzy Kolber is the funniest goddam NFL site out there, bar none. In fact, I can't read regular non-humorous sports websites anymore.

• Last and least: The Giants. As they proved last night what we already knew: their secondary is among the worst in the league, they can't rush the QB, and their running game is a huge question mark (and Jacobs is now hurt), putting the load mostly on Eli Womanning's fragile, supple shoulders. The Giants will finish 7-9 and miss the playoffs, and Coach Screaming Coughlin will finally have his ass canned. Yep, I foresee another crap season for BIG BLEW!

2007 NFL BLOGNOSTICATIONS!

• Biggest surprises: New Orleans will not make the playoffs, while Cincinnati finally will . . . if they post bail. ZING! (I am officially the 1 millionth blog to make that joke. Thanks.)

• NFC playoff teams: Dallas, Chicago, Carolina, Seattle, Philly, Green Bay
• AFC playoff teams: Indy, Pittsburgh, NE, Cincy, SD, Denver
• Super Bowl: San Diego over Seattle

UPDATE: Eli injured his shoulder, and may be out next week--I told you he had fragile shoulders. Bring on the Pillsbury Throwboy! Also hurting: Jets QB Chad Paperthin!

WEEKLY TOP 10: US-CONNECTION!

10. After returning from a 5 day trip to Maine, I realized that it's time for me to move near the beach. ANY beach. I can't stand being hours away from one.

9. Just like everything else, GM managed to screw up Saturn as well. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of sissified blogulation regarding the iCar, a possible joint venture between Apple and Volkswagen. Personally, I think they're made for each other--both of them preach style over substance, and are overpriced for what you get.

8. I'm Freaking Old Moment #356: I realized that the neck tattoo is not just for prisoners anymore, after seeing an otherwise attractive female sporting a rather conspicuous one. I found it hideous, but I imagine someone out there must like that look.

7. After his much-ballyhooed win at the Douchebag Deutsche Bank golf tournament at TPC Boston, Phillis Mickelson now has a jillion zillion FedEx Cup points, as Rob put it. Way to go, FIGJAM! Even though Steve Stricker has only one 1 tournament in the past 7 years, he's currently at #2, higher than Tiger Woods! Again, what a great "playoff" "system" this is.

6. I have decided to buy a Dell Vostro laptop, because it sounds like an Eastern bloc tennis player. Oh, and because you can get a well-loaded computer at a reasonable price, and there's no "bloatware" (my new favorite word) installed on it. Extended warranty? How can I lose? (Actually, this is one of those rare moments I will actually buy one. I've never owned a laptop, and I guarantee that it will fall apart after 1 day after the normal warranty runs out.)

5. Speaking of tennis, there are only 3 American men in the Top 50 ATP rankings. James Blake and Andy Roddick (and the latter is about to get schooled by Roger Federer tonight) are in the Top 10, and they're not even that spectacular. The other one? Mardy Fish at #41. Yikes. Meanwhile, where is the Russian factory that is churning out these tennis playing girls? (Yeah I know, she lost already, but any excuse to get a Maria Sharapova picture up here.)

4. I'm Freaking Old Moment #443: when asked about the show "The Hills", I realized that I'd never even heard of the show, or knew that it was on MTV for three seasons already. In fact, along with ESPN, I don't remember the last time I voluntarily turned on MTV. Sorry, I'm out of your target demo.

3. I am actually more looking forward to the upcoming hockey season than the NFL season (which starts tomorrow night), maybe because the Devils have more of a fighting chance than the Giants do. In fact, I even know that the Devils play their first 9 games on the road, mainly because of a slew of concerts by Bon Fucking Jovi (that's right, they don't even get to open their own arena). Meanwhile, I just found out that the Giants start their season this Sunday night. Ugh, what a way to kill my interest almost immediately. And that's only the first of FIVE games at 8:15 PM this season. As for the NHL, contrary to the word on the street and what may have been said here in the blogodome, I might actually attend a Devils game at "The Rock", if NJ Transit figures out that new weekend train schedule this fall. There's nothing like live hockey, and I'm sure I'll be sucked in . . . to Newark? Ugh.

2. I'll come right out and say it: I really dislike the work of Kevin Smith. I was even at the legendary Hazlet Multiplex premiere of the original Clerks, and left thoroughly hating the movie. So if you try to sell me a TV show or movie with the caveat "DIRECTED BY KEVIN SMITH!", I will run in the other direction.

1. Have you ever found yourself in France without the means to order a replica of a 1940's Texaco gas pump? Did you ever suffer a summer heat wave in the south of France without a Coca-Cola thermometer? Does your Parisian American-themed restaurant lack that certain art deco je ne sais quoi? Personally, I haven't had any of these problems . . . yet. But if you do, I'm quite certain that there's only one place to go: US-Connection. The authentic (yes, actually made in the USA) American diner furniture looks great, and reminds me of a time when every restaurant wasn't a TGI Applechili's Garden Bistro. And I personally love the decorative enamel signs (if I had my own bar, I would cover the walls with these things). Visit the US-Connection website right now if you're interested!

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOT THE BEES!!!

10. The tire pressure light went on in my car the other day, and it turns out that I ran over ANOTHER NAIL. Damaging tires at an alarming rate is my only true talent. I should buy stock in the Yokohama Tire Company.

9. The lunchtime cup of coffee I get (at David's Bagels almost every day) is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it gives me the resolve to continue with my day. On the other hand, it fools me into thinking I can tolerate another afternoon at my cruddy job. I think I need to wake up and stop smelling the coffee.

8. Yet another reason why Wikipedia rules. Here's a line from the entry about 1985's "Lifeforce": "Stars Steve Railsback as the leader of the shuttle mission and Mathilda May as the beautiful female space vampire with nice boobs." I've always been interested in renting this movie because of its floptacular legacy, now it's a must-rent.

7. The only thing that preseason NFL is good for: injuries! I love waking up on Monday morning only to find that the Giants already shitty secondary lost Will Demps and Sam Madison. Fantastic. It's going to be a terrible year for Big Blew. With any luck, Tom Coughlin will be fired before Week 1 begins (*fingers crossed*).

6. The PGA is trying to tell me that the "playoffs" have begun with the The Barclays Tournament in Harrison, NY. Uhm, that's nice, but how is it the playoffs without Tiger Woods? Does he get a first round bye, like Peyton Manning occasionally does? All I know is by seeing the extremely sparse crowds (watching Hitch and FIGJAM!, who claim to be #3 and #4) at the Barclays yesterday is that the public hasn't bought it either, and if Tiger doesn't show neither will they. This is one package it's going to take a long time for FedEx to deliver.

5. The Texas Rangers scored 30 (unexplained) runs on Wednesday vs. the Baltimore Orioles, winning 30-3, the first team to score that obscene amount of runs in 110 years--okay, the first actual baseball team to ever do it. What are the odds the two Texas NFL football teams don't score that much combined on Week 1?

4. Great quote from Rip Torn from The Larry Sanders show: "Scotch whisky -- Glenlivet -- single malt. When you die and you go to heaven, you'll say hello to God and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath. "

3. The Onion's Shattered Expectations fantasy football league is genius. You pick from a handful of players and get points for their ineptitude: if a QB gets no TDs for the week, or a kicker misses a FG less than 24 yards away, you get 100 points for each! The only irritating thing is that 3 of the Tier 2 WR/TE you can pick are on the Giants. And how come there are no Jets on the list? An obvious East Side/West Side bias by the Onion, but I'll let it slide this time.

My league name: OCHO STINKO.

2. The Old Computers Museum is endlessly fascinating. I had the TRS-80 Color Computer, the IBM PC Portable (or "luggable", as it was 30 lbs). Before that we also had the Atari 2600 and the Telstar Ranger, which was a pong game equipped with a light gun, for a shooting game that never really worked.

1. Someone says that "Wicker Man" is becoming a cult classic. If by "cult classic" they mean "insufferable crap movie featuring bear-suited Nicolas Cage screaming a lot", then yes, I agree.



HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?

NOT THE BEEEES!!!