DEVILS ARE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999

Today is Unrestricted Free Agent signing day in the NHL, and it's like Christmas in July! I was getting excited seeing rumors of the Devils signing Brian Campbell or *gasp* Marian Hossa.

However, those haven't happened, as Campbell was given a monstrous 8 year deal by the Blackhawks, and I see my Marian walking away, possibly to Boston. Instead, TSN just announced these two doozies:

New Jersey Devils sign UFA forward Bobby Holik to a one-year contract worth $2.5 million
New Jersey signs UFA forward Brian Rolston to a four year deal worth $20.25-million

WTF? What year is this? Can Bruce Driver and Pat Verbeek be far behind? I think TSN is fucking with me.

UPDATE (7:40 PM): Nope. It's already changed on Wikipedia, so it must be true! It's also on the Devils' site. Dammit.

It's official: Lou has hit the sauce and is "drunk calling" all his former players. On that note, here are some other former Devils he could sign (with their "time served", as they say in Rahway):

Glenn "Chico" Resch
(1982-1986)



PROS: Considering he'll get virtually zero playing time as Marty's backup, his 4.00+ GAA won't be too much of a liability. (Hey, he couldn't be any scarier than Terreri.)
CONS: Since Chico has to eat something different at every home game, between him and "Fatso" there will be no food left at the Prudential Center for paying customers.

Mike D. Peluso
(1993-1996)



PROS: If Randy McKay comes out of retirement, 1995's famed "Crash Line" will finally be reunited (hey, the Ghostbusters are doing it for a videogame, so why not?). And thanks to new Tampa Bay coach Barry Melrose, the mullet is back in style. (Some say it never went out of style in Florida.)
CONS: The mullet is back in style. Oh sweet Jebus.

Brendan Shanahan
(1987-1991)



PROS: Drafted by the club in 1987 and currently on the Rangers' roster, he's already familiar with the NYC metro area.
CONS: There are none. His name is on the Cup more times than God (Shanny 3, God 0). Seriously, while we're getting all nostalgic, why the fuck not?

20 YEARS AGO: HAVE ANOTHER DOUGHNUT!

Has it really been 20 years?

The Great Greg W! from Y! posted a story about the Schoenfeld/Koharski "have another doughnut" incident from the playoffs in 1988, and I just had to comment on it. Here's a clip:



At the time this happened I was in high school suffering from a horrible case of senioritis, and recall doing very little that spring besides drive to the Strathmore Twin to watch [free] movies, play Earl Weaver Baseball on my IBM "Portable" PC, and watch the New Jersey Devils. We were still euphoric due to the team notching their first playoff appearance (thanks to 23 year old Johnny MacLean's OT goal on the last day of regulation) AND the team capturing the Patrick Division banner . . . and then this happened. I remember the circus surrounding Schoenfeld calling Koharski a "fat pig", the coach being suspended without a trial, and the bizarre "amateur referee" game that followed, which added an element to this postseason that was both hilarious and strange. Certainly, Devils hockey had never had this much coverage on New York news programs before this.

That was a feisty team under Jim Schoenfeld, who was named coach midseason. For better or worse, behind upstart GM Lou Lamoriello, this incident illustrated that this team was no longer to be taken lightly. Unfortunately, they eventually lost the series to Boston, narrowly missing the opportunity to get blown away by the Oilers slap Gretzky around for calling them a "Mickey Mouse franchise" just a few years earlier. But man, that was crazy at the time, and it was memorable for being the furthest into the playoffs a New Jersey team had ever gone.

Half the fun of reliving this incident was going through the NYT archives:

Devils Are Overmatched (May 7, 1988 - By ALEX YANNIS)
Schoenfeld Is Penalized (May 7, 1988)
N.H.L. PLAYOFFS; Devils Are Facing Their Toughest Challenge (May 8, 1988 - By ROBIN FINN)
Suspension of Devils' Coach Causes Uproar, Delays Game (May 9, 1988 - By ROBIN FINN)
Sports of The Times; Devils Made Their Points in Semifinal Series (May 16, 1988 - By GEORGE VECSEY)

WRIST SHOTS: ROOT, ROOT, ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM?

When you have a rooting interest and your team loses in the first round, it's hard to give a shit and write about hockey. The Great Wyshynski manages to plug away despite the Devils demise, but then again he gets a paycheck. I'm going to agree with the fans at MSG: Brodeur played like complete crap during this series. He stunk on ice in the five games, letting in some softies en route to a 2.98 GAA, and let Sean "Fucking" Avery get under his skin, even (rightfully) snubbing him during the handshake. All season I knew this Devils team isn't that good, but I thought they were at least good enough to beat an enigmatic and erratic Rangers team, led by Jaromir "What The Fuck Is The Euro Trash Beard On Your Face" Jagr. I know Marty had a great regular season, but just how many times will there be a "next year" for him?

All I know is that I'm suddenly surrounded by Rangers fans who weren't here in October, which proves this town is filled with more fair-weather fans than ever before. I can't wait for these people can go back to watching the Yankees or the stock market or whatever they were doing before discovering last week that New York City has a hockey team. But you know what? Despite the fact they knocked off my team I'm going to be a man and actually root for the Rangers to represent the Wales, or at least go down fighting. That's right, the very team that eliminated my team (essentially, this was payback for the 2006 sweep). How many Rangers fans would root for the Devils if the situation was reversed? I'm thinking approximately zero, since all of them thought it funny to say things like: "Thanks for all the home games in Newark" (screw Newark, you can have it) and "Marty sucks!" (overall, he doesn't, and as good as he is Lundqvist will never match his ridiculous career stats). Yes, I'm hoping New York buries anyone they come across, especially if it's the Philthy Lyers. In fact I would love a Montreal/Rangers Original Six matchup, if I had to chose right now.

(Of course I'm also rooting for Avery to fall down a flight of stairs and break his skull, but that's a different, more personal story. Oh, and Rangers fans who call the Devils goalkeeper "Martha" can also fall in front of a NJ Transit train on their way out of Newark for all I care.)

* Golf season may be on hold for Tiger Woods, but it just started for me on Friday (I played in Maine, no less!), a day earlier than the Devils. (Actually, how many hockey players actually play golf? They always make the "tee time" joke this time of year, but I don't think many of them play.)

* Meanwhile, if the Lyers and Massholes both win tonight I could go 0-for-the-Wales Conference with my blognostications (again, I feel sorry for you if you listened to me). Out in the Campbell, I managed to correctly pick the Red Wings, Stars (to "upset" the Ducks), and the Avalanche (to upset the Wild). I'm so happy for Willa Ford, who chose to marry an American hockey player who led his team to a first round win. I'm so ecstatic that I had to post another picture of Mrs. Mike Modano.



* With Osgood now taking over for the Red Wings, is Hasek done? I see him going back to Buffalo next year to back up Miller, just like old times. The Ray Emery era is over for the Sens, which leads me to ask: was there ever a Ray Emery era? No, no there wasn't, as you have to accomplish something in order to have an "era" named after you.

* In their continuing effort to completely shit all over tradition, the NHL will fine anyone $10,000 for spinning around any octopi. In other words, Bettman sucks.

* Chris Pronger spent his teams' final minute of play where he belongs: in the penalty box, feeling shame after getting called for cross checking. Have a shitty summer, Chris!

* By the way, Marty, Henrik and Nabby have been named the Vezina Trophy finalists. Here's the breakdown:
BRODEUR: 2.17, .920, 4 SO, 44-27-6
LUNDQVIST: 2.23, .912, 10 SO, 37-24-10
NABAKOV: 2.14, .910, 6 SO, 46-21-8

It's a close race, and though my East Coast Bias says it's between Marty and Henrik . . . I think Nabakov will win it.

WRIST SHOTS: THE ICE IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

I've had a chance to watch a little of each of the playoff series during these NHL playoffs, and I have to admit: the Rangers and Devils are by far playing the crappiest hockey out of anyone in the first round. The three games so far have been grinding, sloppy, chippy and unexciting, as equal attention has been given to both Sean Avery's jackassery and his goal scoring, and only Lundqvist has earned his cheers . . . which have been most loudly heard in the Devils' building by visiting Rangers fans. Unlike previous postseason matchups between these two cross-river rivals, this plodding series will not go down as a classic.

Everywhere else you look, there is simply more compelling and better played hockey. (Really, Kris, the rest of the hockey has been pretty good.)

* The Predators have just capped off an unlikely comeback at the hands of the Red Wings, scoring two goals in 9 seconds against "The Decentator" in the 3rd to take the lead, then adding an empty netter in a 5-3 Game 3 home win.

Interesting fact: #22 Jordin Tootoo, born on 2/2, has scored 22 career goals for Nashville, and currently has 2 goals (2 points) in 2 playoff games.

* Pittsburgh and Ottawa had a combined 84 shots in a 5-3 Sidsburgh win last Friday, which sounds like an exciting game and a Bettman wet dream. Tonight, they've put a strangehold on the series, going up 3-0.

* The Stars skated circles around a flat-webfooted Ducks team as they won Game 2 by a score of 5-2.

* AARP member/Flames goalie Curtis Joseph was dusted off after Kipper gave up 3 goals against the circling Sharks, and was the beneficiary of 4 unexplained goals by the home team in the 4-3 win. Patrick Marleau wonders where his little brown doggy is after this hit.



* Montreal got an Game 2 OT thriller from Kovalev, but got wicked shawked the next night in Beantown by an OT winner by Marc "Brokeback" Savard, to slim Les Habs series lead to 2-1.

Meanwhile, the news out of New York is "Avery act prompts NHL to amend unsportsmanlike rule". So yeah, the Devils/Rangers has not at all been fun to watch, and this is the shitty icing on the garbage cake. I think I'm done with it unless it somehow gets to a Game 7. However, I see the Rangers taking this thing in 5, as I try to play some golf before the Devils take all the good tee times.

WRIST SHOTS: BEFORE THE DEVILS KNOW THEY'RE DEAD

It sucks being a Devils fan living in New York. Yeah, that's my own fault. In fact, I've never really gotten a chance to truly enjoy being a Devils fan surrounded by other Devils fans, because I moved to Connecticut shortly after they won their first Cup and have lived in New York ever since. Since then I've had to suffer in a fair weather hockey town, where the team that plays on Broadway garners the sports media attention despite only winning one Cup in 68 years. It's frustrating to say the least.

For the first time all season, someone in the bar asked to have the hockey game turned on before we could even do it. Suddenly, Rangers "fans" are coming out of the woodwork, presumably just to annoy me. Where were you at the start of the season? Where were you for the 7 consecutive seasons the Blueshirts missed the playoffs? Yeah, I thought so. I'd like to get behind the wheel of the bandwagon you just jumped on and run you over with it.

Game 2 - Rangers 2, Devils 1. The first two periods last night were complete horseshit, it wasn't even hockey. Instead of a well-played scoreless contest, it was one filled with Philthy-esque after-the-whistle nonsense, Parise losing two teeth on Backman's high stick, Avery once again being allowed to bump Brodeur at will, and Langenbrunner losing his cool with Gomez. In the final few minutes of a 2-1 game, the refs called Jamie on a mystery hooking call, missed a Betts hooking call on Madden, and seconds later fucked up an icing call on the Devils (impossible since they were shorthanded at the time)--but it should never have come to that. It ended with what will probably be the defining moment of the season: Devils' coach Brent Sutter throwing a stick on the ice in frustration. The last time a Devils coach did something like that, Robbie Ftorek was at the helm. That didn't end well, and neither will this. I guess it's payback for the Rangers getting swept by the Devils two years ago, and at least adds a little juice to the rivalry. Regardless, the Devils are dead.

Game 1 - Lyers 4, Kaps 5. If you haven't seen the game winning goal by Ovechkin, his first career playoff goal, you must watch it now. I'll wait.



The Kapitals absolutely stole a win last night in front of a raucous Verizon Center crowd, storming back from a 4-2 deficit to clip the Philthy Lyers 5-4. If that wasn't painful enough, right before the tying goal Lyers winger Patrick Thoreson got injured blocking a shot and MAY HAVE TO HAVE A TESTICLE REMOVED. *shudder* I guess there are worse things than losing your two front teeth.
UPDATE: He's okay. Whew.

Game 2 - Avs 2, Wild 3 (OT). (Series tied 1-1.) Avs tie it up with 44 seconds left on a power play with the goalie pulled, but Wild take it with an OT goal by Keith Carney. Carneys. Very small hands. Smell like cabbage.

Game 2 - Sens 3, Sidsburgh 5. (Crosbys lead series 2-0.) I guess everyone was right and Ottawa is gutless. So much for my picks.

WRIST SHOTS: MARTY QUICKIES

Yesterday, I watched the Devils dominate the Rangers in the 1st period, putting up a two-spot and outshooting them 11-2. It seemed like a playoff atmosphere at The Rock, and I found myself getting wrapped up in it. Then just 0:19 into the 2nd period, Brodeur gave up a goal and put them right back in the game. What a giant boner, Marty!

I just knew the Strangers were going to end up tying it (or worse), so I turned off the TV and went for a jog. I'm going to go through enough frustration during their upcoming playoff series, so why start agonizing early? In the end, they ended up tied in regulation, which was enough for NJ to get home ice. What followed was the most anti-climactic overtime and shootout in the history of the NHL (which I also skipped, and which NJ won by the fake score of 3-2). I guess you had to be there.

But that quick goal got me to thinking: how many goals less than a minute into a period has Brodeur given up? He seems to do it quite often, as if he's not ready or properly focused for some odd reason. Here's the complete game log for this season, and when he gave up these 'quickies':

10/13 @ATL Won 6-5 - 0:22 2nd
10/16 @PIT Won 5-4 - 0:52 2nd
10/25 @NYR Lost 0-2 - 0:57 1st
11/17 @PHI Won 6-2 - 0:27 3rd
11/24 @TB Won 3-2 - 0:35 2nd, 0:36 3rd
12/9 @NYR Lost 0-1 (OT) - 0:30 OT
12/16 PHI Won 4-2 - 0:40 2nd
1/12 @BUF Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:58 1st
1/24 MON Lost 3-4 - 0:29 3rd
2/10 SJ Won 3-2 - 0:35 2nd
2/29 WAS Lost 0-4 - 0:43 3rd
4/2 BOS Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:37 2nd
4/6 NYR Won 3-2 (SO) - 0:19 2nd

In 76 starts, he's done this 14 times, and only 2 on a power play. I don't know if that's a high or low number compared to other goalies, but it seems to be above average, and it's happened enough times to annoy me. The good news is that they win 9 out of 14 games in which he does this.

I'm not sure why I posted this, but I guess what I'm saying is: PAY ATTENTION, MARTY! Sheesh.

As much as I wanted to see one of these games in person, I just can't afford it right now ($100 ticket +$20 parking + tolls/gas, since I will never take the train there again). Of course, the arena will probably be about 30% filled with Rangers fans, unfortunately.

UPDATE (1:30 PM): Though the ROCK tix are already on sale, the Game 3 and 4 tickets at MSG go on sale tomorrow at noon. Hmm, wonder if any will actually be available . . .

WRIST SHOTS: TROPICAL DEPRESSION

Anything would be finer than to be in Carolina this morning.

The Carolina Hurricanes, once a Category 3 in the conference, have been downgraded to a tropical depression and are drifting out to sea. Now they have to wait for the selection committee's decision tonight to see if there is still hope. What? It's a points based playoff system and there IS no selection committee? They're ELIMINATED? Sweet tea with biscuit gravy! That would be like the nearly unbeatable North Carolina Tarheels and Tyler Whitesbrough forgetting to show up in their Final Four game with Kansas. Oops.

A different storm has taken the 'Canes place, the cyclone called the Kapital Komrades. (Hey, who let the Swede and the Canuck in the photo?) In last place at the end of 2007, going down the stretch they tore the Southeast Division a new five-hole winning 14 of 18, and they're not even located in the Southeast (see how silly and misleading the new division names are, Doc Emrick?). Catching up with Carolina and tying them with one game each to play, it's amazing that it came down to beating Florida, which Carolina couldn't manage yet the Kaps could. They won't meet Sidsburgh in the first round (thankfully!), though I much prefer forcing the struggling Sens or the Philthy Lyers to skate face-first into this buzzsaw instead.

What a player Thomas Vanek is! Freed from the burdens of "pressure" and "playoff race" he scored 3 garbage time goals (an "unnecessary hat trick") to meaninglessly lead the Sabres over the Bruins, 3-0. How fantastic of him to step up when it didn't matter. Enjoy rooting for this non-entity for the next whatever number of years (6?), Buffalo.

Meanwhile, Montreal beat Toronto (love the "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" chant at Le Centre Bell with 5 minutes left) to set up an ORIGINAL SIX first round matchup with Boston, which is the way it should be. Typically, the Leaves throw in a cheapshot with less than 5 seconds left in this one (and in their season), with McCabe and Stewart battling with their sticks in an asinine way I can only call Youngblood-esque.



Hey hey hey, goodbye Leaves, you pugilistic pricks.

So it's come down to this: the Strangers visit the Devils in beautiful downtown Newark today to decide home ice in their 4/5 playoff matchup, with a regulation win putting Game 1 in MSG. You know, I hope the Rangers go 8-0 in the regular season and lose to the Devils in the first round, just to prove how little that matters (just like the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS losing to Green Bay and Dallas only to beat them in the playoffs).

I realize this report shows an East Coast bias, but with the fantastic TV deals Bettman's signed that's I'm allowed to see. As it is, I'm watching Chicago play today for maybe the 3rd time this season, which is just as many games 'Hawks fans got to see under the watchful, miserly, cold dead hand of Bill Wirtz. (Hey, I'm sure NBC Sports is broadcast free in Hell.) Welcome to the 20th century, you're finally going to show all 82 games on TV next season. Brilliant.

In closing, screw NBC Sports once again for making Doc Emrick call the inconsequential game in Detroit, meaning he won't be present at the Devils' final home game. How about some "home fan appreciation"?

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFALO BLEU IT

My thumb hurts from flipping between 7 different NHL games last night. Yes, the NHL Centre Ice package was made available to all cable subscribers this week. The reason? Because it's a free trial week for MLB Extra Innings. So wait, why is the hockey free too? Because cable providers are too stupid to figure out how to flip the switches correctly to only give its subscribers one of them, so they just unscrambled everything. Regardless, I got a lot of free surprise hockey last night, the best kind of hockey there is.

The deep fried, hot sauce slathered, blue cheese dipped dream is over: the Buffalo Sabres are done. They completed the choke job by losing to the Habs 3-1 last night, making them one of only 7 teams since 1932 to finish 1st overall one season and miss the playoffs the next. They played with an incredible amount of intensity in the final 10 minutes (when they were already down 3 goals), which begs the question: where was that intensity all season? Huge disappointment. Quote of the night from a fan on Bfloblog: "fuck a comeback - just break someones nose!" Thanks vtTom, that was fantastic.

Meanwhile, let me tell you about Buffalo Bleu chips: they're awesome! From the good people at Kettle Foods, they're A TOUCH OF FIRE AND ICE, with a BRAZEN spice mellowed by BLUE CHEESE. They're crispy and krinkle cut, and they're made with 0 g trans fats. Delicious! Take it from me: Buffalo Bleu it!

Why do Montreal fans at the Bell Centre do the "Olé! Olé-olé-olé!" chant during games? I guess we can add them to the long list of unoriginal fans who have co-opted that stupid, tired soccer chant. And I thought they were more savvy than to follow the latest fad. Mets fans have even started doing it during José Reyes' at-bats at Shea. Enough! (I also hate the "Marty's better!" chant at Devils games, which is sure to rear its ugly head in the playoffs.)

I don't have the CI package (it's not in HD, so why bother), so I think this is maybe only the 2nd time I've seen Detroit all year. That's a crime, and I have Bettman to thank for that (at least I'm not in Canada where they force fans to PPV for select games). Anyway, the Wings locked up another Presidents Trophy last night, setting themselves up for another playoff disappointment. Zetterberg's winning goal -- from behind the net, flipping it up and rebounding it off CBJ goalie Leclaire's back with 14 seconds left -- was pretty artful, I have to say. I saw that they were running a promotion for the playoffs, something along the lines of "What crazy thing would you do for a luxury box?" Personally, I would wear a Devils jersey and walk around Detroit taunting Red Wings fans! Oooo, that's crazy.

Ovechkin is a great player (there's obviously no debate there), but is there a chance the Kaps rely on him a little too much? I mean, it's a team sport and he can't be out there on every shift. This stat from the Slap Shot blog is interesting: if you combine shots made and missed, no one has the puck on their stick more than Ovie, by a long shot.

Player (Team): Shots/Missed/Total
Ovechkin (WAS): 436/196/632
O Jokinen (FLA): 338/112/450
Zetterberg (DET): 344/105/449

He's taken nearly 100 more shots than the next guy in the league, and missed more shots than most players take all year. That's absurd. Naturally, his shooting percentage isn't very high; while players like Malkin and Kovalchuk connect 17-18% of the time, Ovie is only at 12.2%. All I'm saying is, maybe the Kaps would be in the playoffs already if the majority of their offense wasn't merely him skating in circles trying to create a scoring chance for himself. There's always one jerk at open hockey who does that (Palice's Tom "Fucking" Bailey, I'm looking in your direction), and leaves you begging him to pass it around a little so the rest of us could improve our game. (BTW, we're pronouncing it wrong: it's "uh-VEECH-kin".) In other words, if they meet up with a good goalie, I see a first round exit. However, if it's Conklin/Marc-Andre Fleury . . .

With Nashville winning and Vancouver losing, we've lost yet another Canadian squad to the Confederate Menace. After they scored the 3rd goal to pretty much seal it, they played a country song which I couldn't possibly name. (Every song sounds like Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places" to me.) I have to admit, it was frightening, like hockey being played some bizarro world. It looks like hockey, but they probably deep fry and eat the pucks afterwards in some weird ritual.

So now the 8 teams in the Campbell Conference are set. In the Wales race, the Rangers are in, and I guess it's up to NJ tonight to help keep Philthy out of it. Will they steal back the 8th spot from suddenly surging Kaps, or get the butt end of the stick?



Oops. Hey, things like that will happen, what can you do?

One other question to the Devils: WHY IS MARTY STILL PLAYING??? You know, I'm pretty sure they have a backup that can come in and give him his first day off since January 6th. Or not. Suit yourself.

I have no idea what the hell this "player rankings" chart means (I guess this is based on just straight player statistics, and not performance or wins), but the Devils are 1st, Rangers are 4th and the Red Wings are 18th. The top team in the East,Sidsburgh is way down at 22nd. Huh, I guess these stats are pretty meaningless.

Coming soon: OPEN HOCKEY NHL PLAYOFF PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

WRIST SHOTS: SHOOT FIRST, TRANSLATE LATER

Whew. The Devils are in. I never doubted it for a second. (Ha.)

Everyone in New Jersey can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they're near the chemical refineries in Elizabeth, where I don't recommend breathing at all. Now Weekes can take on Boston tonight, Marty can sit back with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and everyone (except the rest of the league, who doesn't want to face Marty) can relax. It's going to be all right. A lot can change in the next 3 games, but they're currently in the 4/5 matchup with . . . the Rangers. (Uh oh.)

I hate the way teams dog it with 5 minutes left in regulation in a tie game. This is what seemed to happen in the Devils' 2-1 OT win on the Island last night, and the Devils ended it by scoring about 14 milliseconds into the extra frame. How annoying. Joey MacDonald stopped 45 of 47 shots for the Isles . . . wait, who? Is he occasional Isles play-by-play man Jiggs MacDonald's son? Just like seeing a young pitcher for the first time, the Devils couldn't figure out how to beat him until going through the lineup a few times. Sure, it was nice to see them shoot more, but that doesn't automatically mean they're going to score more.

Other headlines: Buffalo still alive for playoffs after shootout win. Is it still April Fools Day? I thought the Flyers were suspended and the Sabres were in the playoffs . . . ? So they've have figured out how to win in the shootout? Now I've heard everything! Maybe someone finally told them it counts the same as a real win, because thanks to Maxim for Men's skills competition goal they are still alive. On the other had, no thanks to his severe dropoff in scoring this year--they might have won enough games already to make it elementary.

BTW, let's take a look at the main Sabre offenders: Maxim and Vanek.

2006-07 Maxim: 23-38-61, +19, 56 games (1.09 PPG)
2007-08 Maxim: 10-18-28, -14, 54 games (0.52 PPG)

2006-07 Vanek: 43-41-84, +47, 82 games (1.02 PPG)
2007-08 Vanek: 33-28-61, -5, 80 games (0.76 PPG)

This illustrates, at least to me, that these two aren't exactly "gamers". Maxim's point production has really fallen off, but how about Vanek's plus-minus? That's a precipitous drop. I'm guessing that the harsh reality of living in Buffalo, with its utter lack of Eurodisco nightlife and acid-washed Levis, is really starting to take its toll on these guys. Meanwhile, Derek Roy has been worth his weight in gold, having a career year with 32-46-78, +14 in 76 games. Regardless of the number crunching, if the Kapital Komrades stop winning games, they might have a shot. So the Sabres are alive . . . just like the Kansas City Royals are still alive for that World Series run.

Montreal has won their division for the first time since 1991-92, as Ottawa continues their choke-job (if they miss the playoffs after starting 15-2, that would be something). However, they have some serious injury issues, and a rookie goaltender, going into the playoffs. I will be visiting Montreal the first weekend in May for a bachelor party (CLUB SUPER SEXE!) and I predict that they will no longer be playing hockey by then. Just a hunch.

In the "dead" column (CBS Sportsline still has them listed as "alive"--WAKE UP!): the Edmonton Oilers, whose milkshake has been finally sucked dry (SPOILER ALERT!) after losing 3-2 to their not-so-neighborly Alberta nemesis, thanks to "two Calgary flukes" (as the Sun puts it, the big babies). They were this season's ultimate tease as they kept their fans (falsely) believing they still had a shot through 81 games and 15 (HOLY CRAP!) shootout wins. At least the Edmonton Sun has a contingency plan to keep their readers occupied: "In Tomorrow's Paper, Tanya Enberg talks naughty in Sex Files." That should thaw things out nicely.

All of this playoff points race nonsense is exactly what Bettman and the league wants: hype. The cartoonish points system that gives away "charity" points gives the illusion that your team is still in it (or about to be eliminated). Like a stripper giving you a lap dance at a club, she makes it seem like she's really into you, and you foolishly think you have a chance with her . . . but at the end of the night you're just tired and frustrated and want your money back. But you might as well lead the fans on to the bitter end, because more fans who believe = more fans who show up at the games = more money. As you know, money based on bullshit is just as easy to spend as money well earned. The lesson is, as always, Bettman sucks.

A faithful reader (thanks, Ashley!) has made me aware of Bon Cop, Bad Cop, a 2006 "Canadian comedy-thriller buddy cop film" (is this a popular genre?) wherein a Quebecois cop and an English Canadian cop relunctantly join forces to solve a string of hockey related murders, which sounds like "Rush Hour" meets "Strange Brew" (okay, that's the only other "Canadian" movie I know). The pro hockey league in the movie is loosely based on the NHL and several characters are thinly veiled parodies of real life figures including "commissioner Harry Buttman", who is allegedly portrayed as weasly as his real life counterpart. I have no idea where I could find this movie outside of Canada (maybe I could borrow it next time I'm in Nova Scotia?) and I'm sure some of the jokes would be lost on me, but it sounds funny. I like the tagline "Shoot First, Translate Later".

WRIST SHOTS: GREAT (DEVIL) MINDS THINK ALIKE

You might not know Greg Wyskynski* but he writes the fantastic NHL Closer on Deadspin (and also for a new startup called AmericaOnline, which allows you to connect to the "information superhighway" via several local dialup numbers at speeds of up to 14.4Kbps on your internal/external fax-modem). I now find that I can't go a day without reading his humorous daily take on the NHL and the world around it, as his funny references and pictures pretty much sum up everything I wish this blog could be. We seem to have a lot in common, as he also hates Bettman and the shootout, and he's a Devils fan (and a Mets fan, Jebus help us both) originally from Monmouth County, New Jersey (we were probably neighbors!). Like me, he's also a little disturbed by the way the Devils been playing. So as I was lamenting the Devils' latest loss and their complete inability to beat the Rangers, I included the following sentence in an email:

"What are the odds the Devils miss the playoffs? They're only 3 points from the cut line, so I'd say 50/50 right now. Seriously, they are looking like the September 2007 Mets right now."

Not 5 minutes later did I read this on the freshly posted NHL Closer: The Rangers Are the No. 1 Cause Of Depression : "They might as well play the rest of their home games at Shea Stadium". That's pretty freaky, but I guess great (Devils) minds think alike. In all honesty, if they miss the playoffs this would be a bigger choke-job than the Mets and the Sabres combined, the latter of which were never really in the playoff picture at any time this season. And if I see Thomas Glavine warming up in the Devils pre-game skate, I am going to jump off the Pulaski Skyway. (I LLOL at the "have another donut, Marty" line. I think he's bulking up for when Bettman cuts the size of the goalie pads next season. Or he carries the practice pucks in his cheeks.)

As for last night's debacle, the Devils dominated early in this game but as usual had fuck-all to show for it (see also: 3/8 @ TOR). Somehow the Rangers end up winning it on a bizarre lucky goal by Devilslayer Nigel "Tufnel" Dawes (I didn't see it, I was flipping and watched Xavier tie their game and beat Huggy Bear in OT instead):

A pass by Chris Drury, who assisted on every New York goal, hit the skate of Devils defenseman Sheldon Brookbank and caromed in on Brodeur. He steered the puck into the onrushing Dawes, on the ice after being knocked down by Travis Zajac. Both players barreled into the crease, with Dawes pushing the puck over the line with his shoulder with 3:06 left.

With his freaking shoulder? Ugh. Yeah, this stuff happens in hockey all the time, but why did it have to be in the Strangers' favor? So not only is this Devils team not getting any breaks, they're also playing like bitches (0 for 25 on the PP). What can I do? Instead of watching the Philthy matchup tonight, maybe I'll just sit in a darkened room and listen to my deluxe edition CD of Jeff Buckley Live at Siné as he sings "The Man That Got Away", which crying into my bottle of Westmalle. Whoa, I'm starting to sound like KSK's Emo Eagles.

/smacks self in face

By the way, Avery For Men is the biggest bitch on the ice. I was forced to watch the MSG feed (the only HD broadcast of the game--thanks Dolan, you dick) and the Rangers production crew must be in love with him, because they showed close ups of him the whole fucking night. After every play, he (gets up off his ass and straightens his helmet and) complains about something, dropping an F-bomb at whoever is within earshot. Every time he's cleanly checked, or flops on top of the goalie, runs into the boards of his own volition--it seems he believes that someone else should be blamed for it. Everyone is obviously wrong except him. He's such a douche . . . but I guess it's great if he's on your team.

What is a Ranger anyway? I understand the Texas Rangers being called that, since they existed, but what's a New York Ranger? Did they ride on horseback through Central Park on their way to the rink? Kris enlightens me: "The original owner of the NY Rangers Tex Rickard. The New York papers started calling the team "Tex's Rangers." Man, that's lame. My only response to that is that I fucking hate Texas.

At least I can Schadenfraude my day away with this TSN front page epitaph for the 2007-08 fallen LEAVES:

It's Over.

Boo hoo! Bye bye LEAVES! As the old adage goes: "It must be spring, because the Leafs are out." Or maybe you like "Make like a tree and LEAF!" Either one works for me. I'm going to out on a maple tree limb, but maybe it's time to get rid of selfish assholes like Darcy Tucker and Mats Sundin who sabotaged the system by refusing to waive their no-trade clauses, thus preventing the team from making any improvements. I blame the ownership, whoever that is. I just found out it's a combination of the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan, CTV, TD Bank and Kilmer Sports. Wait, they're owned by a teachers' pension plan? No wonder they're a mess. As it is, they are the most profitable team in the NHL, so why should any of the owners care if they make the playoffs? Why mess with the status quo?

In his free time between doing nothing running his business and Photoshopping in "blood splatter" to his Sabretooth-beheading-Devil masterpiece, Kris mentioned something about the Sabres winning a game in Canada somewhere wherein Maxim for Men scored a goal as pretty as his flowing blonde hair. If you ask me, that's the ultimate garbage time goal: when your team is out of playoff contention! He'll probably go on a spree, scoring 7 goals in the final 6 games as they finish 4 points out. Whatever. I stand by my assertion that Maxim for Men can go screw.

NBC has another hockey "Game of the Week" at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning, and guess what? The Nothing But Crosby network is featuring the Sidsburgh Crosbys (against some other team)! I actually like The Kid, but the constant drooling over him MUST STOP. How about giving some attentoin to Lucic or Kane? And would it kill you to show a West Coast matchup? (I've only heard rumors that Vancouver has a team, is that true? There's a British Columbia now?) This Peacock Blocking is because they must get the hoc-key out of the way early to show some crappy non-major golf tournament, in a shitty combination of HD and SD, at 2:30 PM. I'm so sick of this crap. I hit a bird on the way into work today, and although I'm not sure what type it was, I really hope it was related to the NBC peacock. (Actually, I probably would have felt that.)

In other Crosbys news, "♪I see my Maryanne skating awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!♪" As Kris stated, Maryanne Hossa might be literally made of glass; ever since the trade deadline he's been fragile, playing in only 8 games. Oh, Ruutu (who last night overshadowed Crosby saving hockey yet again) might be a bigger douche than Avery, but it's close.

I'll leave you with a lovely shot of a hockey player who truly hates pants. Man, that's got to be cold.

* Yay me, I spelled his name correctly without looking. That's when you know you've been reading too much Deadspin. Check out his book Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer. Thanks again for the Deadspin blogroll shoutout, Greg.

PITCHFORK VS. SABRE: ANSWERED

Since there were some doubts, I figured I would put them to rest: Any Tiger that lives through winter in Western New York kicks the shit out of the Prince of Darkness, every day of the week. Especially when said Tiger has two sabers. Sorry Devils fans, but you've no longer a mascot; the inflammatory statements of one of your own convinced Sabretooth to kick some ass.

While "fun" is subjective, the protestation that the "this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations" rings false when the statistics (which never lie) prove that they are scoring at a level unparalleled since 2001/2002. The Devils are averaging (through today) 2.51 goals-per-game. The last time they scored less than 2.6 GPG? 2001-2002 (2.50 gpg). Those halcyon days of exciting, high-scoring hockey in the League that Gary Ruined. The Sabres are averaging 3.13 GPG (which, I wholly admit means about 1/4 of their games were 6 goal nights, half were 3 goal nights and 1/4 they were shutout). And there's the crutch of it. The Sabres are like one of our lovely "Don't You Hate Pants" stars. Wait, it's actually worse: the Sabres are like having an alcoholic stripper girlfriend and the Devils are like being married to a wholesome Nebraska girl. There's no problem with Nebraska. She's undoubtedly cute, but not groin-grabbingly hot. You know that she'll be around come May (and next the May and next the May, ad infinitum). You know that she'll take care of you and she'll feed you and you'll live out your days in comfort.

The Sabres: Well you never know when you get home from work if she's going to be sitting naked on the kitchen floor with her legs spread or if she's going to launch an empty bottle of Jameson at your head. She'll give you the best night of your life, but two days later you'll catch her with your best friend (and his coworker, Bruce). You can't plan two days ahead and you sure as fuck have no idea if she'll be around in May (probably not, but who can tell?). When its good, holy shit it's good, then one night Miller comes out an "look[s] like a shell-shocked turtle without protection"[deadspin] and they give up 5 unexplained in the final 6 minutes. Yet, despite yourself, you have no control over the fact that you're absolutely drawn to this complete lack of stability. The downs suck ass, but you never know when they'll just explode and take you into the bathroom at Tim Horton's for a little afternoon delight.

Are the Devils "boring?" No, not really. The league has changed in the past few years and the Devils can't play the trap like they used to, but they still rely heavily on Marty to keep them in all games so their offense can put up less-than-average numbers and they'll still be there for the second and third rounds. I don't dislike the Devils and I guess being married to a traditional farm-girl is nice, in a secure kinda way.

WRIST SHOTS: PITCHFORK VS. SABRE

Kris greeted me with this little beauty in my email this morning:

"after all my optimism for the f--king Sabres they go and do f--k all. screw that. i'm done. they'll not make it and I don't effing care. Let's go Ran-Gers!"

Two things about this irked me. One, it pegs Kris as a Buffalo bandwagon jumper, and two, it was constructed to get under my skin as I'm a Devils fan. (Three, the use of "f--king and "effing" in the same email--well, which one is it?) I pretended it bothered me by stating I will never ever root for his jerkass team again, and that his optimism doesn't help them win games. His best comeback was to call them "boring", a hack analysis endlessly regurgitated by every two-bit sports critic since they put a rink in the Swamp. This is as tired and clichéd a statement as "don't root for Buffalo teams as they will eventually choke on moose cock in the end".

Since I bleed red and black (I should get that checked by a physician) maybe it's relative and I'm a little biased. But with guys like Gionta, Madden, Parise, and Elias (when he's healthy), and Marty playing possibly having his best season ever (think about THAT), and Sutter employing a forechecking system that has nicely payed off, this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations. I'd certainly take them over an undisciplined, punchless team filled with Vaneks and Maxims who score hat tricks in an 8-4 loss while missing the playoffs. For the Devils (or anyone), I realize that the playoffs are all that matter, but I'm seriously worried about them. They've been handing out points to fellow Atlantic foes like free soup . . . at a place . . . where they give out free soup. Yeah, I suck at analogies, just like the Devils suck at scoring goals (0-3-1 over the last 4, with 3 goals scored). I want them to rest Marty down the stretch, and maybe even dust off Weekes play against the Rangers. REST HIM. NOW. LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

Kris (with his team sitting 5 points out with 6 to go, and his back clearly at the wall) went on to say, "At least we didn't get shutout last night". (I guess he was being facetious, referencing the Sabres 6-3 loss to the Sens in which they gave up 5 unexplained goals, including Miller's awesome 4 goals allowed in a 6 minute stretch.) But really, WTF does that matter? A (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss. Or is it? Yes it is. Unless they encorporate that into the scoring system, like the new improved Open Hockey Blog Awesome Scoring System (OHB-ASS)™:

Shutout loss = 0 points
Non-shutout loss = 1 point
Loss, but Ovechkin/Maximvanek/Malkincrosby/Okvagbakbfvkabprov gets a hat trick = 2 points
Win in shootout = 3 points
Win in regulation = 4 points
OT loss = -2 points
OT win = 7 points

I know what you're going to say, and yes, the 7 points is definitely very "MTV Rock n' Jock". But screw it, I think it's a winner!

So yes, the Devils got shutout last night 2-0 by the Sidsburgh Crosbys, but they also got completely jobbed by the refs. Mirroring a similar play in the Sabres/Rangers game a few weeks back, they waved off a Devils goal because of "goalie interference" midway through the 2nd. Check out the highlight reel starting at 1:08:



Watch as Betang (who lost his stick) grabs Asham around the waist, and pushes him into goalie MAF with his right hand (AND even pushes his own goalie down!) as the Devils score the tying goal. Marvel as you witness Betang make the "wave it off" motion, which I'm guessing he did because he knew he was guilty. And yes, the Penguins' commentators agree with me that it was complete horseshit (my words, not theirs). I love crap officiating as much as the next guy, but when it means the difference between "tied for the division lead" and "4 point cushion" and possible playoff seeding, it really boils my gnocchi.

As we look at the playoff picture, it appears that the Buffalo Sissies have taken a pass and will allow the shitacular Philthy team in, while Boston might get passed by the Evil Kapitals for #8. (Just think of the masturbatory sports reporting that will surround a first round 1/8 Crosby/Ovie matchup. Oh, the horror!) The Devils seem to have no jump right now and will probably end up in the dreaded 4/5 series. Can we start the playoffs now so Ottawa can eliminate them and I can get on with my life? (Okay, maybe that's a bit much. They'll lose in the second round of the le playoffs de Coupe Stanley ala Antoine.)

I didn't know that Armée Sens (is that like KISS ARMY?) used the slogan "EMISSION". That army sounds faaaaaabulous! (Sorry, it's EN MISSION. My mistake.)

In conclusion and in support for lazy wrap-up phrases, I root for the Devils because they're not filled with sissy Europeans or crazy Russians, they're lousy with Amuricans. Actually, maybe that's their problem. Meh. Call me when the playoffs start, until then I'm going to be watching NCAA basketball (at least until Villanova's final game, which might come sooner than you think).

Karl pointed this out to me: Devils LW Jay Pandolfo played in his 700th game last night. That's pretty astonishing. He's one of those players that doesn't stand out, but is completely solid and fits like a glove into the Devils' system. You can't imagine any other team picking him up because he doesn't have "numbers", but he's a team guy, which is perfect for a team that doesn't care about individual achievement. Yeah, that's the most exciting Devils news I have, because they're so booooooring. Or as I like to call it: they get the job done.

When I'm choosing weapons, I'll take the pitchfork over the sabre every time.

WRIST SHOTS: THE ZAMBONI . . . FROM HELL!

(Please bear with me: I've got a lot of hockey stuff on my mind.)

HAPPY TRADE DEADLINE DAY, EVERYONE!

If you're a hockey blog fan, you've probably seen this picture already. No, it has nothing to do with Zednik's neck, and unfortunately Gary Bettman wasn't run down at center ice and dragged to his death right after exclaming "You are the best fans in the world!" (although it would have been the first time his presence elicited cheering). This is a dying Zamboni spilling transmission fluid onto the ice in Pittsburgh. Luckily, it gave the concession stands an additional 30 minutes to sell Iron City beer. Yecch.

With an OT win on Sunday afternoon, the Devils are in first place in the Wales Conference all by their lonesome for the first time since 2001 (unless you count the final day of the season in 2006, when they hilariously passed the Rangers). Some "experts" even predicted this team would miss the playoffs (like Don LaGreca, who has the weakest show on XM Home Ice next to Bettman's, and also serves as Michael Kay's whipping boy on ESPN Radio). But here they are, and they're not going anywhere just yet. Somewhat ironically as far as this blog is concerned, the Devils would play the Sabres in the first round, if the season ended today. In fact, why doesn't it end today? I think 60 games are more than enough to determine who's the best in each conference. So how about we wrap this thing up before baseball season and the Masters starts?

Once again, I guess I can no longer question Lou Lamoriello's shrewd decision making. He's somehow managed to make TWO (2) teams better this season: the Devils have responded to Coach Brent Sutter's new forechecking scheme, and the Bruins are playoff bound under ex-coach Claude Julien. It's trading deadline day, so will he trade for a center or defenceman before the deadline? Maybe get Brian Campbell from Buffalo? Lou certainly never does what you expect him to do. But all I can say is whatever he does (or doesn't do) is fine with me.

Since Rob no longer does his illustrious Rangers in the Night column, let me just say that this is the most ponderous and enigmatic incarnation of this team that I've ever seen. They shit the bed vs. the Montreal Canadiens by allowing an historic comeback where they rallyed from 5-0 down to a 6-5 shootout win (yet they still somehow earned a point), and then turn around and wax the Buffalo Sabres and Florida Panthers. I'd say "you don't know which team is going to show up", but that's not a battered enough cliché. Let's just say this IS the team that's going to show up every night: a wildly inconsistent and frustrating one. That Montreal game is a microcosm of their season: from champs to chumps in the blink of an eye.

In other news, Teemu Selanne was named Player of the Week. The guy decides to take 5 months off, possibly playing pinochle with Niedermeyer, and suddenly unretires and he's fresh as a daisy--how does he do it?!? This week, Peter Forsberg has to come back from his sunless stay in Purgatory (Sweden) and play for the Avalanche. I even heard Susyn Waldman shriek, "Goodness gracious! Fawsberg is in the ownah's bawks!" So who's the next "hired slapshot" going to be? Can the Devils talk Scott Stevens into lacing up the skates again for a playoff run? These unretirement parties have got to stop. It's borderline bullshit, if you ask me.

Strange things are afoot in the Campbell Conference. Mirroring Ottawa's fall from the top of the charts, Detroit's once insurmountable lead has been cut to a mere 6 points, and now they are looking over their shoulder pads at the Dallas Stars. At least they can't be accused of crapping out in the playoffs, since they got an early start this season.

I've gone back and forth with the latest NHL points system, where no team is truly out of the race and you can still collect points even if you lose 20 straight OT/SO games. How about we ditch the points system altogether and go to straight wins/losses? Who cares how many points a team gets any more? The NHL has rendered it utterly meaningless.

I agree with Mick Kern from XM: don't put ads on the jerseys. It's cheesy, and Bettman has raped NHL tradition enough already.

Flyers fans weren't booing, they were saying "Booo-iere!" Seriously, did I mention this team can't lose enough for me?

Nike is pulling out of the hockey business. Back in 1994 they bought Bauer, and targeted their products towards the high-end market, even having their marketing department sign Sergei Federov to cram $400 skates down the hockey world's throat. Now that they've effectively increased the price of ALL HOCKEY EQUIPMENT (and recently released skate retailing for a ridiculous $899), Nike has decided that their work is done. Seriously, go fuck yourself, Nike: just do it.

Ending on a positive note: nice move by the Prudential Center to showcase pee-wee hockey jerseys, along side the high school jerseys already hanging from the rafters in the prominade. It's a nice touch, and hopefully inspires more young fans to pick up the sport. The Rock is also be the home of the NJ high school state championship, which might be fun to attend.

(In other hockey news, the previously undefeated Suffern Mounties sadly and shockingly lost their first game in the playoffs to Mamaroneck on a goal in the final 15 seconds, ending their hopes for NY state championship run. This loss was positively Patriots-esque. I feel really bad for the kids, because they only get a chance to do something like this once in their lives, unlike pro athletes.)

UPDATE (1:30 PM): The Sabres traded Campbell to the Sharks for Bernier and a 1st round 2008 draft pick. Hopefully, the draft pick doesn't turn out to be a daft prick. Thanks, I just wrote that.

Also: Devils get defenceman Bryce Salvador from the Blues for goon Cam Janssen, and the Capitals get a real goalie in Huet.

AND THE MARIAN HOSSA WATCH CONTINUES.

UPDATE (3:15 PM): It looks like the Pens won the Maryanne Hossa sweepstakes. Dammit, they are going to be even tougher down the stretch, esp. with Crosby coming back TO SAVE HOCKEY.

UPDATE (4:00 PM): Sergei Federov was traded to the Capitals. It would be interesting if he anchors an all-Russian line of Federov, Ovechkin, and Kozlov: the FOK line!

MY FLORIDA HANGOVER

I just got back from Florida on Monday night, but in my mind I'm not truly "back" yet. While I was gone for the week a lot happened: the New Jersey Devils were (briefly) tied for first place in the Wales Conference (along with two Canadian teams), Blu-Ray won the HD war, the Hollywood writers' strike ended, and Castro quit. Maybe I should take another week off and we'll settle this whole Middle East conflict. I'll even go to Hawaii if you want--I will do whatever it takes.

Here are some things I learned during my week in Florida:

GOLF! It's hard to beat a round of golf in the winter, and Myakka Pines was in great shape (even though I wasn't). I may have said this before, but it bears repeating: if you lose a golf ball in a water hazard in Florida, DO NOT TRY TO RETRIEVE IT. There are alligators in every pond, and it's not worth losing a limb over a $2 piece of plastic.

TRAVEL: Waverunners are a great form of transportation. My cousin Heather in Bradenton has one that I got to tool around on, and I decided that I would take a waverunner to work every day if I lived down there.

As far as air travel is concerned, TSA sucks. The miserable people that work for them apparently flunked their DMV training and had no other job prospects. Why does everything from mouthwash to hemorrhoid cream have to be in a tiny plastic Ziploc bag? Can someone explain this to me? However, watching security shake down an 80 year old woman to make her relinquish her can of seltzer never gets old.

FOOD/DRINK: There are few places better than Florida to get fresh seafood. I recommend the grouper with the Caribbean chips starter at Sun House. On the other hand, no one should ever eat at Cracker Barrel. Just trust me on this one. I just had my innards violated by one of their high fat, high salt, high risk breakfasts on Monday. Never eat there. Ever.

Thank god for ABC Fine Wine & Spirits stores, because I was afraid I'd have to do all my beer shopping in Wal-Mart, where A-B unabashedly sells Michelob Ultra in flavors called "Tuscan Orange Grapefruit" and "Lime Cactus"--just the thought of that makes me want to puke. Thankfully, I was instead able to pick up a Schneider Aventinus which I enjoyed with my birthday steak.

OTHER. Rock Band, well, rocks. I played it on my cousin's XBOX360, and even though I consider it "the opposite of music" it's both a hilarious and addictive party game. I wanted to try every song but my parents were there too, and getting a little restless (though my mom rocked the cowbell on "Don't Fear the Reaper"). Now I'm thinking of buying a Sony PS3 before the year is over. (Oh, and "My Name Is Jonas" is the best song on Guitar Hero III.)

Young girls in bikinis also rock. It never fails: there's always some ridiculously gorgeous young girl on the beach that you can't NOT stare at. You just can't help it. I creep myself out when I catch myself doing it. I have an idea: it should be illegal to get a tattoo until you turn 18. This would make it much easier to determine if they're legal. Sure, it's still creepy when they're half your age, but at least you can't be locked up for it.

In closing, I found out that everyone outside of New England was rooting for the Giants (or should I say, against the Patriots) in the Super Bowl. Random strangers even came up to me: in the parking lot outside of Target, I had a Pittsburgh Steelers fan thanking me for snuffing out the evil Patriots. And it sure was fun to ride back on a plane full of New Englanders wearing a Giants shirt.

WEEKLY TOP 10: WHAT I LEARNED DURING WINTER VACATION

10. Capital One Bowl Week can turn out to be a dud. Compared to last year, there was not one compelling bowl game all week. I'm glad I paid attention to the regular season, because that's when all the great games happened.

9. A hot toddy made with Woodford Reserve bourbon, lemon, honey and cloves KICKS ASS. That's how I rang in 2008.

8. Rob says this might be the funniest line of the year, and I might have to agree with him (from The Onion's hilarious Our Dumb World Atlas):

MALAWI: Come For The Food Shortages, Stay Because You've Died.

7. While it's a very funny show, "The Larry Sanders Show" is no "Honeymooners". I watched episodes of both shows on New Years Day, and let's just say that Garry Shandling's Other Show, while funny, hasn't aged all that well. Plus, the washed-out DVD transfer (from 2002) makes it look even older than it actually is.

6. For some reason, I can't learn the lyrics to most late 60s/early 70s classic rock songs that grew up listening to as a kid. If I didn't know the words then, I don't know them now. Even if I look them up online, they just don't stick. I guess if you've heard "Brown Sugar" 500 times without knowing what the hell Mick Jagger is saying, you can't expect to figure it out after reading the lyric sheet once.

5. I'm surprisingly good at "Dance Dance Revolution". No, really. Especially when songs like a-ha's "Take On Me" and Chic's "Le Freak" come on, I'm unstoppable.

4. Screw the New Jersey Devils for putting such a beautiful hockey arena in Newark. Additionally, screw the PATH train for being so useless: it took two trains and 45 minutes to get from New York to Newark. After unleashing a litany of expletives during this frustrating detour (which I could blame on my drunkness, or the fact that I had just contracted an upper respiratory infection), I later realized that I would make a lousy competitor on "The Amazing Race".

3. The typical NFL game blows, especially when compared to any Madden NFL '08 game. Seriously, the PS2 version is fantastic, and can only imagine what the "next gen" ones are like. In fact, it's so realistic, Giants QB Elisha threw 3 INTs before finally settling down and throwing two TDs before getting injured, in a poorly played 14-6 win over the Redskins. Eerie.

2. I respect the guy for keeping at it, but Dick Clark needs to retire. It's just sad to hear him struggle through a simple sentence, and this time around he actually said "HAPPY DEW YEAR". I also officially think the "rockin' eve" concept is officially dead when all you have is Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, whoever the hell they are.



1. Not a new revelation, but Ginger Man is the best beer bar in NYC. I already suspected this, but I had to visit a second time to make sure. Blue Point Oatmeal Stout from the cask was fantastic.