EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS: A BUSY WEEK

A lot has happened since the last semi-irregular installment of Wrist Shots, so let's get into it.

* Tom "Robot" Renney was fired as the New York Rangers coach, after losing to a terrible Toronto team in overtime, adding to the teams' recent slump. The most poignant parting video clips of him were when the Rangers tied the game with 25 seconds left, and then lost in OT: HE DIDN'T REACT AT ALL. Not a fist pump, not a grimace, not a sigh: NOTHING. Now, I know it's not necessary to show emotions to succeed as a coach (see: Joe Torre and Bill Belicheat), but this guy was a complete flat line. When asked for comment after the game, Computing Operational Athlete Control Hardware (COACH) Renney streamed the following message to the media: "010011010010010011001010." I'm sorry, but that just does not compute. When a team is reeling as badly as this one is, you have to hold someone accountable, or at least exhibit some sort of pulse, and the Renney 5000 did neither.

ROBOT BINARY SOLO!



John "Asshat" Tortorella was hired to replace him, and he immediately paid dividends last night: got Wade Redden to score his first goal since 2002! No, actually, they lost to the same terrible Toronto team, but they made it all the way to the goal-off shootout this time, so they're much improved. (Hey, Torts can't score goals for them . . . or can he?) It remains to be seen if the players decide they want to play for their new coach; regardless, I'll be DVRing all of the press conferences hoping to catch a random expletive. If the Rangers fail to make the playoffs, next up on the chopping block: Glen Sather. I heard a comment on XM the other day that he's starting to make Isiah Thomas' tenure at MSG look competent by comparison. Ouch.

* Meanwhile, somewhere in western New York/southern Ontario last Saturday, Sabres goalie Ryan "Genuine Draft" Miller sprained his ankle on an unfortunate, but not intentional, collision behind the net with Gomez. If he's hurt for an extended length of time, there go the Sabres' playoff chances. (Though even a limping Miller with one arm could probably outduel Fleury at this point.) While backup Patrick Lalime is a known entity (as in: we know he's medicore at best), who the hell is Jhonas Enroth? Is he one of the Jhonas Brothers? The one Miley Cyrus let get to 2nd base? Whoever he is, he's apparently not as good as a flu-laden Lalime. Not a good sign.

* In happy news for Devils fans (e.g. me), Martin Brodeur is back. His rehabbed arm will be tested tonight against the Avs, and I will be there in The Rock to witness it. He claims to be "in the best shape of his life", and in fact switched from bacon double cheeseburgers to bacon double turkey burgers. (I keed, I keed, because I love.) At this point, with 22 games left and a respectable playoff spot well within reach, I just want him to play well. I'm not asking for him to be shutout-brickwall-Vezina Marty . . . at least until the playoffs. Even though he had to be sent down to the minors as a result of taking Brodeur off IR, let's never forget Scott Clemmenson. His name is Scott Clemmenson.

His name is Scott Clemmenson!

(BTW, I did the math, and it would be cheaper to drive to Newark and park for $20 than to take the train--which is annoying since I'd PREFER to take the train. If they really wanted to give us an incentive to take mass transit, I should get a discount on the train just for showing my hockey ticket. But alas.)

LET'S GO MARTY! LET'S GO DEVILS!

(LET'S HOPE MY CAR IS STILL THERE AFTER THE GAME!)

We don't do a "Saves of the Year" here, but maybe we should. This stick save by Kiprusoff, stopping a sure Kyle Wellwood goal en route to a 4-3 goal-off Canucks win, is just amazing.

THE END (OF NON HOCKEY SEASON) IS NEAR

Kammann already ran his upcoming season preview and that's great, because I'm not going to spend anywhere near as much time.

I've got a couple of comments:

*I like Drooory too and I wish he was still on the Sabres but I like the fact that the Rangers made him captain.

*I've looking for the Sabres to make the post season this year. Even if the boffins out there don't think they will, I'm confident - at least to a certain degree. Maxim for Men's in a contract season and keeping with a majority of European players, this generally means he'll perform well. Derek Roy impressed me last year and there's a lot of young players on this fast team. Hopefully...WHOA. Hold the press. I just went to sabres.com to check out something and I see they named Craig "I don't want to go to Buffalo" Rivet captain. What the fuck? I know that he's made amends for the aforementioned comment and I'm sure he's a great guy, but the Sabres have a large amount of motivated, home grown talent (cough, cough Pominville cough, cough).
I like Lindy...a lot...and based on that, I'm going to try to withhold judgement on this decision, but off-the-cuff it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm glad to see Teppo back for another year. Sucks that Gaustad is out for the beginning of the year, because he brings heart to this team, but I'm hoping to be watching illegal streaming video of the Sabres come May.

Anyway: You know it's hockey season when the NHL.com sends 5 spam messages per day. At least they're getting the most for the marketing budget; we're talking about it. And that's all that counts.

Oh, I forgot to mention this: Bettman Sucks.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: [NOT THAT] BRAWL FROM THE 90s

I'm not sure if this really counts as a "brawl." It's more like some scattered fisticuffs, but why not post a pre-Rob-Ray-Rule topless Rob Ray on the blog. I know that assholeness is in the eye of the fan, but I never liked that dick Claude Lemieux. I'm sure that others think the same of Rob Ray, but he played for my team. For the record, I never liked Barnaby even when he played in Buffalo.

Scotty Stevens checks himself into the boards in his enthusiasm to get involved, but eventually the oiled-torso of Rob Ray is too much and he has his way with Lemieux.



(You all thought I was going to post the Wings/Avs brawl from 1997 didn't you?. To be honest, I was tempted to, but while watching Lemieux turtle, found this link and figured, why the hell not. No one is paying attention to the Sabres or the Devils at this point, may as well be the exception. Here's the link to the real-time brawl, not that Detroit propaganda that certain sites are selling)

FINALLY: THE SABRES BEAT THE DEVILS AT SOMETHING

We all know that the Devils are superior to the Sabres in nearly every way (except possibly slacking Europeans) this year. Yet, there is one arena where the Sabres remain the winners (other than skill competition losses). GOOGLE FIGHT!

It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, one stick figure was send flying:



Yep, that's the Devils you see flying off the screen. The Sabres, by the slimmest of margins, have more Google hits. Of course "porn" beats "buffalo sabres" by a 50:1 margin, but we need to compare apples to apples.

SABRETOOTH WILL STILL KICK YOUR ASS

Just in case you missed it the first time around; enjoy Sabretooth's glorious destruction of The New Jersey (hahahaha) Devil.

I've got a ton of different things that I want to talk about, and I'll be god damned if I'm going post 5 different times, when I can do it just once. Don't like it? T.S.

* I've been doing a lot of highway driving at night lately and there's something that bugs me (well there's lots of things that "bug me" but there's this one thing in particular). So, picture it, you're on the highway, you're going from city A to city B (for the sake of argument we'll say Bordeaux to Toulouse, since that's where these observations have taken place). So, it's ~250 km between these two fair towns (that's a little bit over 150 miles). You're driving and you have about 200km to go: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YOUR FUCKING GPS UNIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE? YOU STUPID STUPID PERSON. No, but really. First of all, I think that 90% of people need to spend more time focused on the actual road and less on objects in the vehicle, second, GPS has its uses, but I still prefer an actual road map (which has never told me to turn left on the a highway while going 85mph) and third, even if you need a GPS (I do agree that there are some uses for them, especially in cities), you don't need it to tell you "go straight for...200 miles. Then turn left). I fucking hate this, it's like people who get a new TV and it's the only thing they talk about for like a week...I really hate those people.

*So I was watching the SORNY again last night...and man, I really need to validate my purchase. I'm goign to find a forum where I can tell the world how fucking awesome this thing is. And how I think that my TV magically gets HD broadcasts right with only a SD turner (I read someone who was convinced that this was true).
Has anyone ever noticed this phenomena with recent purchasers of mass-market AV equipment? People always rate their purchase as a 9/10 or 10/10, even though they've only had the TV for a week (well except the people who got a broken one). It's fine for trending (if a lot of TVs are coming back broken, well that's not good), but only an idiot would pay attention to what the purchasers thought.

*I was playing NHL2000 again. After Jeff K's blatant mimicry (it's the best complement they say), I felt the need to kick some Devil ass (like our old friend Sabretooth, who, the public agrees, is definitely kicking ass right now). I played a mini tournament featuring all the NY/NJ teams. I didn't check the difficulty level, but I think, based on the results, that it was on Rookie (2/4). Things went poorly for Eeel-e-ass (it's an NHL officially licensed product too!) and Co. The first round saw each team play once, then a 1-4 seeding with semi and final games. BUF-NJD 6-2, BUF-NYR 11-1, BUF-NYI 8-0. Semifinals BUF-NJD 8-0. Finals BUF-NYI 11-0. Final standings BUF-NYI-NYR-NJD (Ritcher shut the diablos out in the bronze metal game). Miro Satan averaged 3 goals per game. Peca, playing on defense had 2 hat tricks and the Sabres managed to injure 3 of the 5 Islander starters in the Final (somehow I had the Injuries Option Turned "OFF" for most of the tournament). Needless to say, it takes some of the edge off of...

*What the fuck. I mean, there's playing like shit all season, then almost making it at the end, while going out in a blaze of glory (like for example winning out, but not getting any help). And then there's playing like shit all season and then playing like shit in the last 15 games. The fucking Sabres had something like 3 good games this year. Maxim for Men better be traded (yeah, I know, who'll take him and for what? but still) or Darcy Regier is dead to me.

Jeff quoted some stats a few days back, and while I agree that Buffalo's malaise this year can't all be completely attributed to Daniella and Chrissy's departures, Vanek's precipitous drop in numbers can be. He was lined up with Daniella most of last season and a lot of Briere's 63 assists hit Vanek's stick on their way into the net. His +47 last year to -6 this year? I don't know. I don't want to be called a cynic, but he had an entry-level contract last year and he's got $52mil promised over the next 7 now? Meh. He'd better pick it up some next year, I tell ya, I watched a game back when they still had a chance (a week or so back) and he was dogging it something awful on every shift. I like the kid, he's big, he's strong, he can score goals, but he also seems to have a lazy streak that someone of his remuneration should not even consider.

*I would take the Cryers in the playoffs if it meant that the Sens didn't make it. That would make me laugh so much.

*I've watched a few soccer games lately, mostly to see how the LCD handles heavy motion and since it's getting late in the international competitions there aren't any French teams left. So I've been paying attention to the protocol for a French announcer; i.e. who they must support/encourage to win:

1. The French National Team (FNT) vs _________(up to and including God).

2. Former French colony (or country with French-sounding name) vs anyone [except the FNT]

3. French Team vs non-French team in International competition (UEFA, Champions League)

4. Non-French team with French coach vs. non-French team with non-French coach.

5. Non-French team with FNT players vs. non-French team without FNT players

6. Non-French team with French-sounding player (usually from one of the teams in #2) vs. Non-French team without French-sounding player.

7. Non-French team with non-French-sound player who last year had a French player vs Non-French team with non-French-sounding player who did not have a French player last year.

It goes on and on like this, but this is apparently the law as laid down by L'Academie Française. I have no source information, except having watched games on all the major French channels, where every game they need to prove that they follow the above rules; loudly and repetitively.

WRIST SHOTS: SHOOT FIRST, TRANSLATE LATER

Whew. The Devils are in. I never doubted it for a second. (Ha.)

Everyone in New Jersey can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they're near the chemical refineries in Elizabeth, where I don't recommend breathing at all. Now Weekes can take on Boston tonight, Marty can sit back with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and everyone (except the rest of the league, who doesn't want to face Marty) can relax. It's going to be all right. A lot can change in the next 3 games, but they're currently in the 4/5 matchup with . . . the Rangers. (Uh oh.)

I hate the way teams dog it with 5 minutes left in regulation in a tie game. This is what seemed to happen in the Devils' 2-1 OT win on the Island last night, and the Devils ended it by scoring about 14 milliseconds into the extra frame. How annoying. Joey MacDonald stopped 45 of 47 shots for the Isles . . . wait, who? Is he occasional Isles play-by-play man Jiggs MacDonald's son? Just like seeing a young pitcher for the first time, the Devils couldn't figure out how to beat him until going through the lineup a few times. Sure, it was nice to see them shoot more, but that doesn't automatically mean they're going to score more.

Other headlines: Buffalo still alive for playoffs after shootout win. Is it still April Fools Day? I thought the Flyers were suspended and the Sabres were in the playoffs . . . ? So they've have figured out how to win in the shootout? Now I've heard everything! Maybe someone finally told them it counts the same as a real win, because thanks to Maxim for Men's skills competition goal they are still alive. On the other had, no thanks to his severe dropoff in scoring this year--they might have won enough games already to make it elementary.

BTW, let's take a look at the main Sabre offenders: Maxim and Vanek.

2006-07 Maxim: 23-38-61, +19, 56 games (1.09 PPG)
2007-08 Maxim: 10-18-28, -14, 54 games (0.52 PPG)

2006-07 Vanek: 43-41-84, +47, 82 games (1.02 PPG)
2007-08 Vanek: 33-28-61, -5, 80 games (0.76 PPG)

This illustrates, at least to me, that these two aren't exactly "gamers". Maxim's point production has really fallen off, but how about Vanek's plus-minus? That's a precipitous drop. I'm guessing that the harsh reality of living in Buffalo, with its utter lack of Eurodisco nightlife and acid-washed Levis, is really starting to take its toll on these guys. Meanwhile, Derek Roy has been worth his weight in gold, having a career year with 32-46-78, +14 in 76 games. Regardless of the number crunching, if the Kapital Komrades stop winning games, they might have a shot. So the Sabres are alive . . . just like the Kansas City Royals are still alive for that World Series run.

Montreal has won their division for the first time since 1991-92, as Ottawa continues their choke-job (if they miss the playoffs after starting 15-2, that would be something). However, they have some serious injury issues, and a rookie goaltender, going into the playoffs. I will be visiting Montreal the first weekend in May for a bachelor party (CLUB SUPER SEXE!) and I predict that they will no longer be playing hockey by then. Just a hunch.

In the "dead" column (CBS Sportsline still has them listed as "alive"--WAKE UP!): the Edmonton Oilers, whose milkshake has been finally sucked dry (SPOILER ALERT!) after losing 3-2 to their not-so-neighborly Alberta nemesis, thanks to "two Calgary flukes" (as the Sun puts it, the big babies). They were this season's ultimate tease as they kept their fans (falsely) believing they still had a shot through 81 games and 15 (HOLY CRAP!) shootout wins. At least the Edmonton Sun has a contingency plan to keep their readers occupied: "In Tomorrow's Paper, Tanya Enberg talks naughty in Sex Files." That should thaw things out nicely.

All of this playoff points race nonsense is exactly what Bettman and the league wants: hype. The cartoonish points system that gives away "charity" points gives the illusion that your team is still in it (or about to be eliminated). Like a stripper giving you a lap dance at a club, she makes it seem like she's really into you, and you foolishly think you have a chance with her . . . but at the end of the night you're just tired and frustrated and want your money back. But you might as well lead the fans on to the bitter end, because more fans who believe = more fans who show up at the games = more money. As you know, money based on bullshit is just as easy to spend as money well earned. The lesson is, as always, Bettman sucks.

A faithful reader (thanks, Ashley!) has made me aware of Bon Cop, Bad Cop, a 2006 "Canadian comedy-thriller buddy cop film" (is this a popular genre?) wherein a Quebecois cop and an English Canadian cop relunctantly join forces to solve a string of hockey related murders, which sounds like "Rush Hour" meets "Strange Brew" (okay, that's the only other "Canadian" movie I know). The pro hockey league in the movie is loosely based on the NHL and several characters are thinly veiled parodies of real life figures including "commissioner Harry Buttman", who is allegedly portrayed as weasly as his real life counterpart. I have no idea where I could find this movie outside of Canada (maybe I could borrow it next time I'm in Nova Scotia?) and I'm sure some of the jokes would be lost on me, but it sounds funny. I like the tagline "Shoot First, Translate Later".

PITCHFORK VS. SABRE: ANSWERED

Since there were some doubts, I figured I would put them to rest: Any Tiger that lives through winter in Western New York kicks the shit out of the Prince of Darkness, every day of the week. Especially when said Tiger has two sabers. Sorry Devils fans, but you've no longer a mascot; the inflammatory statements of one of your own convinced Sabretooth to kick some ass.

While "fun" is subjective, the protestation that the "this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations" rings false when the statistics (which never lie) prove that they are scoring at a level unparalleled since 2001/2002. The Devils are averaging (through today) 2.51 goals-per-game. The last time they scored less than 2.6 GPG? 2001-2002 (2.50 gpg). Those halcyon days of exciting, high-scoring hockey in the League that Gary Ruined. The Sabres are averaging 3.13 GPG (which, I wholly admit means about 1/4 of their games were 6 goal nights, half were 3 goal nights and 1/4 they were shutout). And there's the crutch of it. The Sabres are like one of our lovely "Don't You Hate Pants" stars. Wait, it's actually worse: the Sabres are like having an alcoholic stripper girlfriend and the Devils are like being married to a wholesome Nebraska girl. There's no problem with Nebraska. She's undoubtedly cute, but not groin-grabbingly hot. You know that she'll be around come May (and next the May and next the May, ad infinitum). You know that she'll take care of you and she'll feed you and you'll live out your days in comfort.

The Sabres: Well you never know when you get home from work if she's going to be sitting naked on the kitchen floor with her legs spread or if she's going to launch an empty bottle of Jameson at your head. She'll give you the best night of your life, but two days later you'll catch her with your best friend (and his coworker, Bruce). You can't plan two days ahead and you sure as fuck have no idea if she'll be around in May (probably not, but who can tell?). When its good, holy shit it's good, then one night Miller comes out an "look[s] like a shell-shocked turtle without protection"[deadspin] and they give up 5 unexplained in the final 6 minutes. Yet, despite yourself, you have no control over the fact that you're absolutely drawn to this complete lack of stability. The downs suck ass, but you never know when they'll just explode and take you into the bathroom at Tim Horton's for a little afternoon delight.

Are the Devils "boring?" No, not really. The league has changed in the past few years and the Devils can't play the trap like they used to, but they still rely heavily on Marty to keep them in all games so their offense can put up less-than-average numbers and they'll still be there for the second and third rounds. I don't dislike the Devils and I guess being married to a traditional farm-girl is nice, in a secure kinda way.

WRIST SHOTS: PITCHFORK VS. SABRE

Kris greeted me with this little beauty in my email this morning:

"after all my optimism for the f--king Sabres they go and do f--k all. screw that. i'm done. they'll not make it and I don't effing care. Let's go Ran-Gers!"

Two things about this irked me. One, it pegs Kris as a Buffalo bandwagon jumper, and two, it was constructed to get under my skin as I'm a Devils fan. (Three, the use of "f--king and "effing" in the same email--well, which one is it?) I pretended it bothered me by stating I will never ever root for his jerkass team again, and that his optimism doesn't help them win games. His best comeback was to call them "boring", a hack analysis endlessly regurgitated by every two-bit sports critic since they put a rink in the Swamp. This is as tired and clichéd a statement as "don't root for Buffalo teams as they will eventually choke on moose cock in the end".

Since I bleed red and black (I should get that checked by a physician) maybe it's relative and I'm a little biased. But with guys like Gionta, Madden, Parise, and Elias (when he's healthy), and Marty playing possibly having his best season ever (think about THAT), and Sutter employing a forechecking system that has nicely payed off, this team is more fun to watch than previous incarnations. I'd certainly take them over an undisciplined, punchless team filled with Vaneks and Maxims who score hat tricks in an 8-4 loss while missing the playoffs. For the Devils (or anyone), I realize that the playoffs are all that matter, but I'm seriously worried about them. They've been handing out points to fellow Atlantic foes like free soup . . . at a place . . . where they give out free soup. Yeah, I suck at analogies, just like the Devils suck at scoring goals (0-3-1 over the last 4, with 3 goals scored). I want them to rest Marty down the stretch, and maybe even dust off Weekes play against the Rangers. REST HIM. NOW. LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

Kris (with his team sitting 5 points out with 6 to go, and his back clearly at the wall) went on to say, "At least we didn't get shutout last night". (I guess he was being facetious, referencing the Sabres 6-3 loss to the Sens in which they gave up 5 unexplained goals, including Miller's awesome 4 goals allowed in a 6 minute stretch.) But really, WTF does that matter? A (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss is a (regulation) loss. Or is it? Yes it is. Unless they encorporate that into the scoring system, like the new improved Open Hockey Blog Awesome Scoring System (OHB-ASS)™:

Shutout loss = 0 points
Non-shutout loss = 1 point
Loss, but Ovechkin/Maximvanek/Malkincrosby/Okvagbakbfvkabprov gets a hat trick = 2 points
Win in shootout = 3 points
Win in regulation = 4 points
OT loss = -2 points
OT win = 7 points

I know what you're going to say, and yes, the 7 points is definitely very "MTV Rock n' Jock". But screw it, I think it's a winner!

So yes, the Devils got shutout last night 2-0 by the Sidsburgh Crosbys, but they also got completely jobbed by the refs. Mirroring a similar play in the Sabres/Rangers game a few weeks back, they waved off a Devils goal because of "goalie interference" midway through the 2nd. Check out the highlight reel starting at 1:08:



Watch as Betang (who lost his stick) grabs Asham around the waist, and pushes him into goalie MAF with his right hand (AND even pushes his own goalie down!) as the Devils score the tying goal. Marvel as you witness Betang make the "wave it off" motion, which I'm guessing he did because he knew he was guilty. And yes, the Penguins' commentators agree with me that it was complete horseshit (my words, not theirs). I love crap officiating as much as the next guy, but when it means the difference between "tied for the division lead" and "4 point cushion" and possible playoff seeding, it really boils my gnocchi.

As we look at the playoff picture, it appears that the Buffalo Sissies have taken a pass and will allow the shitacular Philthy team in, while Boston might get passed by the Evil Kapitals for #8. (Just think of the masturbatory sports reporting that will surround a first round 1/8 Crosby/Ovie matchup. Oh, the horror!) The Devils seem to have no jump right now and will probably end up in the dreaded 4/5 series. Can we start the playoffs now so Ottawa can eliminate them and I can get on with my life? (Okay, maybe that's a bit much. They'll lose in the second round of the le playoffs de Coupe Stanley ala Antoine.)

I didn't know that Armée Sens (is that like KISS ARMY?) used the slogan "EMISSION". That army sounds faaaaaabulous! (Sorry, it's EN MISSION. My mistake.)

In conclusion and in support for lazy wrap-up phrases, I root for the Devils because they're not filled with sissy Europeans or crazy Russians, they're lousy with Amuricans. Actually, maybe that's their problem. Meh. Call me when the playoffs start, until then I'm going to be watching NCAA basketball (at least until Villanova's final game, which might come sooner than you think).

Karl pointed this out to me: Devils LW Jay Pandolfo played in his 700th game last night. That's pretty astonishing. He's one of those players that doesn't stand out, but is completely solid and fits like a glove into the Devils' system. You can't imagine any other team picking him up because he doesn't have "numbers", but he's a team guy, which is perfect for a team that doesn't care about individual achievement. Yeah, that's the most exciting Devils news I have, because they're so booooooring. Or as I like to call it: they get the job done.

When I'm choosing weapons, I'll take the pitchfork over the sabre every time.

BREAKING: CHRIS PRONGER IS STILL A PSYCHOPATHIC ASSHOLE

At least the league listened to me and suspended Pronger for 8 games; I can live with that. I think it should have been more than 10, but 8 says, "You're a stupid, sorry motherfucker and we hope you rot in hell," while at the same time saying that Pronger hasn't reached Chris Simon levels of goonery.

Meanwhile up in the nether regions of NY State, the Sabres managed 5 of a possible 8 points this week. It could have been worse (how's that for optimism?). They also beat up good on the Hurricanes and the [fallen] Leaves on two consecutive nights. I just wish I felt more confident that this team could do that each and every night. At any moment they could easily lose 7-2 to some shit-ass team.

Anyway, some good news: Bernier has 8 points and a +2 in 8 games with the Sabres. I watched the second half of the bitch-slapping of Toronto last night...It never gets old to see the Leaves lose to the Sabres. They are only 1 point out with 9 games left (although both Boston and Philly have a game in hand).
The bad news, of course, is that they play pretty strong teams between now and the 30th. Montreal, Ottawa twice and Boston on the last day which could turn out to be a playoff for the final spot. But the very good news is that the game on the 30th is at 12:30EST, which means it'll be on sopcast (or ESPN360 for a sum) at 6:30CET! FUCKING BRILLIANT. I hope it counts for something (or if it doesn't count it means that the Sabres have clinched already).

GARY BETTMAN SUCKS: THE DEFINITIVE EDITION

Update: I just read Deadspin's NHL Closer on the subject and [while I generally think he's got a good grasp] couldn't agree less with Wyshynski's conclusions on the subject. His (non) smoking bullet is that Pronger is "looking up ice" at the time. Bullshit! Pronger is turning, but is clearly aware of where his stomping skate is going (and he's looking at the leg as he does it)...Regardless, this isn't deep-snow hiking, you don't have to stomp the ice off of your boots when you're playing in an NHL arena.

We all know that Bettman sucks. It's been proven time and again, but the events that have transpired with Chris Pronger this week bring Bettman's reign of terror to a new low. For those of you not in the know, Pronger skate-stomped Justin Kesler's leg during the second period of the Vancover/Ducks game on Wednesday night.

Bettman's lap poodle, Colin Campbell, "reviewed" the data (which, knowing this fucking league required him to see "Chris Pronger" as the subject and dismiss out of hand, since Pronger is a "superstar") and decided to not pass down any suspension. Now here's the thing, the original [public] video from Thursday morning didn't focus on the event and it was hard to be sure that Pronger got calf (you can see he tries, but let's say that it wasn't 100% conclusive). However, sometime Thursday evening (after the league handed down the non-suspension), a new video was released (my understanding is that it was TSN that first showed this video and has been covering this a lot since Thursday):


This video seems to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Now a lot of people are calling for a suspension that is on par with Chris Simon's 30 games for his Ruutu-stomp. This is not the same. Pronger is a dirty-as-shit player, who deserves anything he gets (I love the fact that he's got a broken jaw), but this incident is different in at least two ways: 1. Pronger has never done a Simonesque two-hander to the head of an opponent. He hits with his elbows up. He aims to injure. But there's a difference between headhunting and playing baseball. 2. Simon did it away from the play, as both players were skating to the bench. He purposefully moved Ruutu's leg so he would be able to stomp on it, with the intent to break Ruutu's leg. Pronger got tied up with Kesler and stomped him in the "heat of the moment."

Simon got 30 games. I think Pronger deserves at the very least 10-15 games. 20 would probably be justified based on his repeat-offender status and known goonishness throughout the league.

According to TSN the league is re-reviewing this incident, which brings us to another point. The league made a decision on Thursday morning. Did they have the second video angle and ignored it? Or did they not have it, meaning that they made a decision without having all the evidence on hand? The optimist in me wants to say that they just pulled the trigger quick, without getting all the evidence. They just wanted to handle this quickly and did it in a non-professional manner. The cynic in me believes that they had this video and chose to ignore it because it is Pronger. They're only re-reviewing because of the public outcry. Look for a couple of minutes at the comments on the TSN story...I bet that less than 1% of the people support the league or Pronger in this case. And this is Canada - the bread and butter of the NHL's support.

I've just one little comment: FUCK GARY BETTMAN. He's done nothing but consistently ruin this sport that we love so.

Even though Jeff thinks that the Sabres are going to be playing golf in a few weeks, I still am holding out hope. They won 7-1 last night against the fucking 'Canes. They're only 2 points away from 8th. Here's the thing that is so goddamn fucking frustrating: Inconsistency. They lose 7-3, then they come back and win 7-1. They'll play excellent hockey (it looks like last night's game was quite good), and then they'll do fuck-all. I have a bad feeling about tonight's game in Toronto. If they miss the playoffs it'll be because of this inconsistency. They have the skill, they have the speed, but they just don't manage to play the same game every night.

LET'S GO BUFF-A-LO!

STEVE BERNIER > BRIAN CAMPBELL

2 shots as a Sabre, 2 goals as a Sabre. While logging over 15 minutes of ice time, Bernier had 3 points for his new team and the Sabres' faithful were heard saying "Brian-who?" and "Man, Darcy sure is smart."

I don't/didn't know Bernier and when I first heard of the trade I was thinking, what the fuck do the Sabres need another young forward for, but with Maxim-for-men having a groin and playing like shit when he is on the ice, Connelly's brain having the elasticity of a super ball and all the other nagging injuries, I guess it's ok...Plus Bernier is young and big....He makes Derrick Roy look like a fucking midget in this picture. He also stood up for that midget apparently against goon Jortin Tootoo (jeff- is he on your list of girliest names?).

Yeah, Campbell was a good fit for the Sabres. He was fast, he was mobile, he wasn't afraid to shoot...but he did make his fair share of what-the-fuck-is-he-thinking moves...Trying spin-o-rama's on the penalty kill and other bullshit moves like that. I hate to see a good player go (and he was a good player), but at least, as opposed to Danielle and Chrissy, the Sabres got something for him.

I do have to say though, I feel bad for Bernier. He lived in San Jose in the winter...He probably could ride his bike to work wearing shorts. Try that in Buffalo. Oh and try going to the beach in March...I hear Lake Erie isn't completely frozen.

Don't worry, I'm not going to be one of those people who start saying that Bernier is great and that Campbell has always sucked. Campbell is a better player than Bernier, no doubt, but this was a good move by the Sabres because they weren't going to pay Campbell $6+ million over 5 years or whatever he thinks he warrants and they needed to be able to get something for him. If Bernier does turn into a 1st line winger with Vanek and Roy...that's great. But I'm not one of those asshole fans who immediately start talking about how their recently-traded Allstar is actually crap and the the 4th line winger that they acquired is AWESOME!

WRIST SHOTS: THE ZAMBONI . . . FROM HELL!

(Please bear with me: I've got a lot of hockey stuff on my mind.)

HAPPY TRADE DEADLINE DAY, EVERYONE!

If you're a hockey blog fan, you've probably seen this picture already. No, it has nothing to do with Zednik's neck, and unfortunately Gary Bettman wasn't run down at center ice and dragged to his death right after exclaming "You are the best fans in the world!" (although it would have been the first time his presence elicited cheering). This is a dying Zamboni spilling transmission fluid onto the ice in Pittsburgh. Luckily, it gave the concession stands an additional 30 minutes to sell Iron City beer. Yecch.

With an OT win on Sunday afternoon, the Devils are in first place in the Wales Conference all by their lonesome for the first time since 2001 (unless you count the final day of the season in 2006, when they hilariously passed the Rangers). Some "experts" even predicted this team would miss the playoffs (like Don LaGreca, who has the weakest show on XM Home Ice next to Bettman's, and also serves as Michael Kay's whipping boy on ESPN Radio). But here they are, and they're not going anywhere just yet. Somewhat ironically as far as this blog is concerned, the Devils would play the Sabres in the first round, if the season ended today. In fact, why doesn't it end today? I think 60 games are more than enough to determine who's the best in each conference. So how about we wrap this thing up before baseball season and the Masters starts?

Once again, I guess I can no longer question Lou Lamoriello's shrewd decision making. He's somehow managed to make TWO (2) teams better this season: the Devils have responded to Coach Brent Sutter's new forechecking scheme, and the Bruins are playoff bound under ex-coach Claude Julien. It's trading deadline day, so will he trade for a center or defenceman before the deadline? Maybe get Brian Campbell from Buffalo? Lou certainly never does what you expect him to do. But all I can say is whatever he does (or doesn't do) is fine with me.

Since Rob no longer does his illustrious Rangers in the Night column, let me just say that this is the most ponderous and enigmatic incarnation of this team that I've ever seen. They shit the bed vs. the Montreal Canadiens by allowing an historic comeback where they rallyed from 5-0 down to a 6-5 shootout win (yet they still somehow earned a point), and then turn around and wax the Buffalo Sabres and Florida Panthers. I'd say "you don't know which team is going to show up", but that's not a battered enough cliché. Let's just say this IS the team that's going to show up every night: a wildly inconsistent and frustrating one. That Montreal game is a microcosm of their season: from champs to chumps in the blink of an eye.

In other news, Teemu Selanne was named Player of the Week. The guy decides to take 5 months off, possibly playing pinochle with Niedermeyer, and suddenly unretires and he's fresh as a daisy--how does he do it?!? This week, Peter Forsberg has to come back from his sunless stay in Purgatory (Sweden) and play for the Avalanche. I even heard Susyn Waldman shriek, "Goodness gracious! Fawsberg is in the ownah's bawks!" So who's the next "hired slapshot" going to be? Can the Devils talk Scott Stevens into lacing up the skates again for a playoff run? These unretirement parties have got to stop. It's borderline bullshit, if you ask me.

Strange things are afoot in the Campbell Conference. Mirroring Ottawa's fall from the top of the charts, Detroit's once insurmountable lead has been cut to a mere 6 points, and now they are looking over their shoulder pads at the Dallas Stars. At least they can't be accused of crapping out in the playoffs, since they got an early start this season.

I've gone back and forth with the latest NHL points system, where no team is truly out of the race and you can still collect points even if you lose 20 straight OT/SO games. How about we ditch the points system altogether and go to straight wins/losses? Who cares how many points a team gets any more? The NHL has rendered it utterly meaningless.

I agree with Mick Kern from XM: don't put ads on the jerseys. It's cheesy, and Bettman has raped NHL tradition enough already.

Flyers fans weren't booing, they were saying "Booo-iere!" Seriously, did I mention this team can't lose enough for me?

Nike is pulling out of the hockey business. Back in 1994 they bought Bauer, and targeted their products towards the high-end market, even having their marketing department sign Sergei Federov to cram $400 skates down the hockey world's throat. Now that they've effectively increased the price of ALL HOCKEY EQUIPMENT (and recently released skate retailing for a ridiculous $899), Nike has decided that their work is done. Seriously, go fuck yourself, Nike: just do it.

Ending on a positive note: nice move by the Prudential Center to showcase pee-wee hockey jerseys, along side the high school jerseys already hanging from the rafters in the prominade. It's a nice touch, and hopefully inspires more young fans to pick up the sport. The Rock is also be the home of the NJ high school state championship, which might be fun to attend.

(In other hockey news, the previously undefeated Suffern Mounties sadly and shockingly lost their first game in the playoffs to Mamaroneck on a goal in the final 15 seconds, ending their hopes for NY state championship run. This loss was positively Patriots-esque. I feel really bad for the kids, because they only get a chance to do something like this once in their lives, unlike pro athletes.)

UPDATE (1:30 PM): The Sabres traded Campbell to the Sharks for Bernier and a 1st round 2008 draft pick. Hopefully, the draft pick doesn't turn out to be a daft prick. Thanks, I just wrote that.

Also: Devils get defenceman Bryce Salvador from the Blues for goon Cam Janssen, and the Capitals get a real goalie in Huet.

AND THE MARIAN HOSSA WATCH CONTINUES.

UPDATE (3:15 PM): It looks like the Pens won the Maryanne Hossa sweepstakes. Dammit, they are going to be even tougher down the stretch, esp. with Crosby coming back TO SAVE HOCKEY.

UPDATE (4:00 PM): Sergei Federov was traded to the Capitals. It would be interesting if he anchors an all-Russian line of Federov, Ovechkin, and Kozlov: the FOK line!

SABRES! SABRES! SABRES!

I've not had cause to brag yet this year. This team has been annoying me since the beginning of the season, even though they have had a couple of flashes are skill. I doubt they're out of the woods yet...there's still plenty of games left in the season for them to fuck it up and/or trade Brian Campbell for some magic beans.

However, they are on a 10-game point streak, Vanek had his first career hat trick, they beat the shit out of the Sens, Miller got a shutout last night (which may not be big news for the Brodeur's of the league, but the Sabres rarely shut out their opponents) and he's got a 1.67 GAA over the past 9 games. All these are things to be happy about.

Plus, as Richard Zednik learned, they are willing to go to great lengths to keep their opponents from winning...Ok, that's not really a nice joke. I'm very glad that Zednik is doing ok, that's a very scary situation. I personally don't know if they should've continued the game - Colin Campbell, Darcy Regier and Bill McCreary all decided to let the game go forward - but if you ask the douchebags at Sportsline's Counterpoint-Counterpoint they say absolutely not, stop it now, we hate hockey, we hate you (or something, I may have paraphrased). They both (Erin "I'm a woman, damnit!" Brown and Greg "So Tired" Cimilluca) compare this to Jiri Fischer's cardiac arrest during a game in the 2005 season. This isn't the same thing at all. I understand that Zednik was a scary moment for everyone, but let's not kid ourselves...Once Zednik's carotid had been clamped his prognosis was significantly better. They had him stabilized within minutes and he was in the ambulance and to the hospital shortly thereafter. Jiri Fischer had cardiac-fucking-arrest; on the bench; during the game. No one knew what the result was going to be for a long time after.

Cue the melodramatics: "I tell you, it's going to save a lot of lives" - Teemu Selanne on mandating neck guards.

You've got people arguing about forcing players to wear all kinds of safety gear and even this idiot who wants someone to invent a skate with a protective plastic shield. On the NHL level it seems to me that the players are big boys and they can decide what they want to do...I'm glad that they all have to wear helmets, but if they didn't want to wear helmets, why should the league force them to? My view of safety equipment is to make the players be able to take more punishment and still play...no one wants people dropping dead on the ice; but the point of safety equipment is to make it so these guys can play 82 games per year with the minimum amount of injuries...Someone doesn't want to wear a mask...wants to risk losing an eye...Fine. Sucks to be him, but I don't understand why people think it's the league's job to force these players to protect themselves. If it's anyone's job, it's up to the individual teams to regulate how they want their players to be protected.

I hate to admit it, but this is something that the league has done well at so far...Not over regulating safety material.

All this talk about neck guards, but, as far as I can tell this is only the second time that someone has had their neck slashed at the NHL level...I'm sure it's happened in lower leagues, and I am sure people have died (I guess there was a death in Sweden in '95 that lead to the mandating of neck guards there), but it's far from a common occurrence.

I fully expect to see Zednik back on the ice soon...Malarchuk practiced four days after his jugular was sliced and played less than two weeks later. Fuck all the other sports, hockey players are the toughest.