EPIC FUCKING FAIL

COVERING CRAP WITH A BERET

It's Thanksgiving in the states and for some reason this holiday is always the hardest one for me being away from the States. Julie's generally gone; in her old job she was always in the "pre-holiday" sales mode so she was away and today she's in Italy. Anyway, all that to say, the drinking will start early today in celebration of our murderous forefathers:

I was kind of wasting time on Youtube and happened onto some Richard Thompson videos. I like Richard Thompson, but imagine my surprise when I found this video.



I think it's pretty good. It's better than Dolly Parton covering "Shine" and much much much better than this.

Anyway, I may be challenging Jeff for Death Manager of the year. I picked up Khabibulin on Tuesday and in his first start he exploded his groin (or something). He did make 20-some-odd saves and only let in one goal, but I started him over game-winning-goalie Ryan Miller last night. FUCK! He better really be DTD. I don't really like the remaining goalies on the FA list. And Khabi's been playing decent hockey this year.

*OVECHKIN 21 points in his last 9 games. That's why he's the #1 pick motherfuckers. He may single-handedly win me that liter bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that Jeff put up as a prize for the OHBFHL champion, right Jeff? It's written on the interwebs so it must be true.

*Scoring an empty netter should count as a goal, but you should not be able to call it a "natural hat trick" It's a fucking gimme, damnit Maklin.

*BUFFALO SABRES on a one-game winning streak. They started 8-2-2 and they're 10-8-3 now...that's not how to play this game.

THE END (OF NON HOCKEY SEASON) IS NEAR

Kammann already ran his upcoming season preview and that's great, because I'm not going to spend anywhere near as much time.

I've got a couple of comments:

*I like Drooory too and I wish he was still on the Sabres but I like the fact that the Rangers made him captain.

*I've looking for the Sabres to make the post season this year. Even if the boffins out there don't think they will, I'm confident - at least to a certain degree. Maxim for Men's in a contract season and keeping with a majority of European players, this generally means he'll perform well. Derek Roy impressed me last year and there's a lot of young players on this fast team. Hopefully...WHOA. Hold the press. I just went to sabres.com to check out something and I see they named Craig "I don't want to go to Buffalo" Rivet captain. What the fuck? I know that he's made amends for the aforementioned comment and I'm sure he's a great guy, but the Sabres have a large amount of motivated, home grown talent (cough, cough Pominville cough, cough).
I like Lindy...a lot...and based on that, I'm going to try to withhold judgement on this decision, but off-the-cuff it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm glad to see Teppo back for another year. Sucks that Gaustad is out for the beginning of the year, because he brings heart to this team, but I'm hoping to be watching illegal streaming video of the Sabres come May.

Anyway: You know it's hockey season when the NHL.com sends 5 spam messages per day. At least they're getting the most for the marketing budget; we're talking about it. And that's all that counts.

Oh, I forgot to mention this: Bettman Sucks.

ODE TO THE THIRD

There's been a lotta talk about this next topic, maybe...maybe, too much talk:

[This article is going to be hampered by the fact that the Excellent Puck Daddy Yahoo! Hockey Blog has the worst ever search engine, but anyway...]

Hockey's third jerseys (which I guess affects other US-based sports too, but really who cares about them) have been getting all kinds of bad press about the money-grabbingness of them. Yes, my friends, it is a money grab, but I find it better than the $8 beer or the $5 pretzel (or the hashed horse meat that they used to serve at the "Continental Airlines Arena & Superfund Site" for $8).

Number one, let me clear the air and say, as a Sabres fan, I applaud any and all efforts that lead to the extinction of the Buffaslug. The Sabres' new third is a perfect homage to the past, while remaining cutting-edge, 21st century cool. But that's not why I write this:

Those people who claim that the new third is a money grab are obviously bleeding heart liberals who think that we should protect everyone from themselves by outlawing "fun." When was the last time you entered your local NHL arena and had an usher point a gun at your head and say "buy a different jersey." Fuck that. You have the choice if you want to buy it or not.

The new Sabres third will probably sell great because it's what the fans want. Some of those Southern teams are putting out shit jerseys for shit teams, and you know what, if some 'Canes fan has to buy it because "he needs to have it" well then, good for him. That's obviously $90 less that he'll spend on crystal meth and an alley-abortion for his underaged girlfriend. The rest of us will make our own decisions.

I've lived in Europe for the last 5 years and the soccer (football) clubs here change jerseys every year, then they have 3rd, 4th, 12th jerseys too. I actually find it cool. It allows teams to do one-offs (or for a couple of games) something that they wouldn't usually do. Last night Olympique Lyon played a Champions League match against Bayern Munich. They wore day-glo yellow jerseys. Don't get me wrong, it was hideous, but it was different too. Different is good, IMHO, even if it sucks.

The infamous Blues jersey? I like the principle, of course it is horrible (although the thought of pictures of Chris Pronger in that...hah!), but it was still awesome that someone would make this into a jersey. I like the "fallopian tubes" Stars jersey. Damn it, it shows fucking creativity, something that is horribly lacking in Bettman's league of horrors.

Anyway, all you whining liberals out there. Stop worrying about other people's money and start worrying about what type of gun Sarah Palin is carrying right now. You know she's thinking about it.

ADVICE TO ALL CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS

When a customer calls to notify you of a service outage it is not acceptable to say:

"It's Normal"

No, it is not fucking normal that I pay you every fucking month for a service that you are not providing to me. I am very understanding of the fact that you systems need to be "updated" from time to time. I suggest you do this when no one is using the system. Or you send a subscriber-wide email to notify your clients of the outage. 24 hours without internet is not a) Normal or b) Acceptable.

"Don't worry"

Don't fucking tell me what I should worry about. I count on my internet connection every day. You cutting my service for 24 hours and insisting that I not worry because "everything's normal" is probably the worst possible thing you can do. Don't offer to reimburse the FUCKING DAY that I was without service. The 1€ that you credit me on my bill is completely and utterly irrelevant to me, and it doesn't even pay for 1/100th of the money that I spent calling you motherfuckers on a PAY customer service help line. I believe it's 11 cents per minute (down from 34 cents/min because the government felt that literally raping their customers was a little over board), but it still took me over 40 minutes to finally get on the phone with someone to be told "not to worry."

And lastly you can stop telling me the time I spend on hold is free if I'm calling with your service. OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT CALLING WITH YOUR SERVICE BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN! Assholes.

The only thing worse is that every single ISP is the same here, so I don't have a lot of options. Although, I see that I can switch to Cable, get an HD box for 5€/month and NASN for 6€/month...This would be 11€ more than I pay, BUT non-200kbps streaming pirate internet...Actual, real TV-quality hockey, "As Live."

I think I'd have to pay 50€ to get out of my current contract, but I think I'm doing that. Plus Numericable promises pr0n much much fast..."up to 100mb/s" (I think a few different houses share the fiber optic connection, which means I would never get 100mb/s) but it is still better than my current 4.8mb/s by a couple of mb/s.

Ugh...I hate customer [dis]service.

Great news for all you cynics out there. In looking for the above demotivator, I found the following mug. I don't know if it's as good as "Fuck Off, I'm Reading the Onion" but it's up there.

GARY B: PORTRAIT OF AN ASS GRABBER

Over on Puck Daddy they're running a Gary Bettman: Portraits in Heroism art contest.

I saw it, and figured, yeah I could do something cool and then just forgot about it. But Jeff, in his tenacious hate for Bettman suggested a Bettman/Messier/Coleman mashup. 'Why not,' I said. It's Tuesday morning and anything that keeps the bottle of Scotch in the cubboard until after 12-noon works for me.

This may or may not be the official OH submission. If Jeff or Rob want to get something done, that'd be great too (even though I've now stolen Jeff's best idea.) Meh. He loves Vista, he deserves whatever he gets.

Without further ado, I present "Gary B: Potrait of an Ass Grabber"

MORE BRILLIANCE BY THE HENCHMEN OF BETTMAN

This morning I awoke to an email from the NHL saying "Will Detroit Clinch the Cup Tonight?" I didn't really think much of it, until I happened to look at the time-stamp: 4:11am Central European Time or 10:11pm EST.

They already insulted half the fans in the league with the "Your team sucks, buy a jersey" email and now they want to remind me to watch he about the same time as it's over? Granted, the game didn't end until what, about 11pm EST? but come-fucking-on. You're trying to incite people to watch your sport and you send the "reminder" out after the game is 2/3 over?

Fuck you Gary. This video sounds like it was taken underwater (PSA: please don't' record live telecasts in the bathtub, you could shock yourself or worse ruin your plasma screen) so I can't tell if the Pittsburgh fans are booing or boo-urnsing, but Bettman (known officially now as the "neckless devil-boy") should be booed early and often.



And sorry Pens fans, you guys just weren't that good. But I'm assuming that were looking at the beginning of a dynasty here, if they can manage to keep Sidney Christ, Bloomin' Marc and the Russian Bride on the team, things look dim for the Sabres to make it to the Finals for the next 10-15 years.

CUP PICKS

Yes, I know, generally picking your choice for the winner happens before the series starts. Last round I sent my picks in after the Wings had beat Dallas in game 1 (although I still picked Dallas to win that series). I went a stunning 0-2 in the last round and 1-3 in the previous round. Therefore, my picks mean absolutely nothing.

I am going with the Wings. The Pittsburgh fans bug me to no end with their hero-worship and we're-better-than-youisms. Sidney Christ will most likely bring the cup to Pittsburgh sometime in the near future, but that time isn't now.

WINGS IN 5

I do know the wings won game 1.

2008 STANLEY CUP FINALS EXTRAVAGANZA

Soooo . . . who won the Stanley Cup? That should be over by now, right? What? It's not? Sources tell me the Stanley Cup Finals between the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins starts tonight! Keeping with the Indy theme here on the blog, I stole the excellent Photoshop poster at left from the hilarious Pensblog: Quest for the Holy Grail. Sidney grew that "beard" a month ago merely to look like Harrison Ford's scruffy Indy character. It's all making sense now.

(I also love this girl's MAKLIN sweater. Fail indeed.)

Anyway, here's a quick guide to the nicknames we might be using here at the OH blog during this series:

Datsyuk = Gadzooks
Rafalski = Raffi
Franzen = Hanzenfranz
Osgood = Charles/various Ozzy Osbourne jokes
Hasek = The Benchwarminator
Valtteri Filppula = Flipper
Kris Draper = Curtains
Zetterberg = Zeppo
Niklas Lidstrom = The Lid

Sidney Crosby = Sidney Christ
MAF = Bloomin' Marc (his name means "In Bloom"; incidentally also a great Nirvana song)
Ruutu = Jerko Ruudetoo
George Laraque = Black Rock (no, I'm not being racist, it's a LOST reference)
Malkin = Russian Bride, Maklin
Gonchar = Gunshy
Sykora = Sicko
Marion Hossa = Marianne, or Marion Ravenswood (obligatory Indy Jones reference)
Jordan Staal = Staal III
Tyler Kennedy = TFK, Jr.

(Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. It's not great, but then again I've been half-assing everything lately.)

Overall this is a great matchup, the one the NHL probably wanted to see but not the one imagined by Canadian viewers. Regardless, it should be a good series: youth vs. experience, speedy forwards vs. solid blueliners, and two goalies playing way better than anyone expected.

PLAYERS TO WATCH. Everyone will be fixated on Christ and His Russian Bride, Zeppo, and Marianne. So I'm just going to tell you to watch out for Gadzooks and The Lid because good things happen when they're on the ice.

OFFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Sidsburgh, with their combination of youth, speed and playmakers.

DEFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Wings, with Raffi and the The Lid.

GOALTENDING ADVANTAGE. This is a surprisingly close matchup, but I give the nod to Ozzy because the D in front of him has been rock solid. And if the octopus hits the fan, they can always turn to the well-rested Benchwarminator.

ODDS ODDITIES. The odds are greater for the Wings winning in 5 games (4-1) than in 6 (5-1), which I found strange; I guess this is because they'd play Game 5 (if necessary, and it will be) at home. As of right now, the price is: Pittsburgh Penguins +145 Detroit Red Wings -165.

The "miscellaneous" odds are pretty funny.

• Will Al Sabotka or any member of the Red Wings staff be fined by the NHL for improperly handling an octopus* during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes -700 (Yes Only))
• Will there be an octopus thrown on ice at Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh ? (Yes -700,
  No +350)
• Will a player from the losing team in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals be awarded the 2008 Conn Smythe Trophy? (Yes +750, No -1500)
• Will there be a 5 minute fighting major penalty called during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes +700, No -1400)

But honestly, you'd have to be a complete idiot/degenerate to bet on hockey.

*Bettman is an incredible douche (upgrade from his current status as "total douche") if he fines anyone for this harmless yet disgusting Red Wings tradition.

"EXPERT" PICKS.
Ashley (Ultimate Hat Trick): DET (in 6)
Buccigross (ESPN): PIT (in 6)
Going Five Hole: PIT (in 6)
Greg "Yahoo! Puck Daddy" Wyshynski: PIT (in 6)
Kukla: DET (in 7)
Maggie the Monkey: PIT
Barry Melrose: DET (in 6)
McKenzie (TSN): DET
Melrose Rocks: DET (in 7)
Milbury: DET
Mirtle: DET (in 6)

WTF? Bill Simmons actually mentioned the NHL in a positive light in his latest column.

Sid the Kid, the return of Don Cherry, the old Flyers uniforms, Montreal self-combusting, the four-OT game, Bucci and Barry, Chris Osgood clipping the dude with the butt of his stick, HD telecasts, a Wings-Pens Finals ... I have to admit, I'm enjoying the NHL playoffs. No, really. I even figured out how to find the games on my cable system and everything.

Uh huh. Naturally, he had to get a sideways jab at VERSUS in there. This is the same Beantown douche who wrote off the league a few years ago when the Bruins were in the dumpster. Suddenly, they're in the playoffs and he's watching again? Fuck off, Boston Sports Guy. Oh, and Giants 17, Pats 14.

BLOGNOSTICATION. Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to do this but . . . PENGUINS IN 6.

Let's drop the puck already!

PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

LIVE BLOG ON AOL

NHL.COM: THE INTERVIEW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

The guys at MYFO like to make up elaborate certain conversations; like the one in the Modano/Ford marital bed or what Offspace would have been if it took place in Canada. This is a great idea because 1) fact-checking takes much less time and 2) It's even easier to make fun of Gary Bettman.

Anyway, some say mimicry is the best form of flattery. All I know is it's easier to steal MYFO's idea than it is to come up one of my own.

NHL.com. If you knew [the Philadelphia/Pittsburgh] series was going to end with Sidney Christ going home, would you do something different?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: No. I always hate to speculate about what might happen. So even my mere answering your perfectly appropriate question would suggest that we even think in those terms.

But depending on how these series end, we have a variety of contingency plans that deal with whether or not we would waive the trade deadline to allow Malkin and Crosby to play on a finals team.

Q. Very well said.

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: Thank you (smiling).
[...]
Q. Going forward, is there any talk about expansion, especially some potentially attractive markets out there, Las Vegas, Mexico City?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: There are expressions of interest that we've been getting from a variety of places, Vegas, Cancun, Istanbul. We're looking into a number of different methods to attain maximal market saturation using a push-pull method of expansion through traditional and non-traditional consumer outreach.
Did you know that GOOOOOOOL! is Spanish for "goal" in hockey too?!?
[...]
Q. Is it important to have goalies on the goalie equipment committee?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: That was actually our thinking. Since our formally-binding decision may slightly affect their job, we felt the least we could do was allow goalies the impression of a involvement. Off the record, you realize we don't really care. The market will determine if they keep their pads or if we decide that the best move would involve Reebok...umm...RBK, working up some kind of "jogging pant" and a sort of T-shirt that would allow the true skill of the player to been seen.

Q. There's been a significant amount of criticism over the refereeing in this year's post season. How do you respond to these critics?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: I honestly haven't heard any more misplaced critiques than you tend to hear each post-season. As you know, the hockey fan-base is the absolute best in the world and when a team loses, there will always been certain kind of fan who will never be happy with the result.

Additionally, we are seeing the rise of unprecedented levels of blogging and everyone knows that while bloggers on a basic level are good, they are not true professionals. You mustn't confuse what these jobless folks do in their mother's basements and what the true heros do in the War Room in Toronto.

It's a start. Hopefully, it's be funnier in the future.

NHL.COM: HARD HITTING INTERVIEWS

I was flipping through NHL.com today trying to see if they showed the replay of the fake goalie interference on Holmstrom (whose ass was over-the-line although nothing was touching the paint) and the uncalled (yet real) interference on Loui Eriksson.

Enough virtual ink has been spilled on the bullshit-refereeing this post season and I'm not going to waste more, but I did see that NHL.com had a "Gary Bettman Transcript" link on the home page. I thought maybe Bettman addressed his horribly-inconsistent ref crew. Alas, the interview was before the game (lucky Gary!), but he did have to answer some difficult questions:

Q. If these series do end today, tomorrow, Saturday, is there a provision to move the Stanley Cup Final up or do we have to wait till the 26th?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: No. I always hate to speculate about what might happen. So even my mere answering your perfectly appropriate question would suggest that we even think in those terms.

But depending on when these series end, we have a variety of contingency plans that deal with whether or not the series go the distance or whether or not they don't.

Q. Very well said.

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: Thank you (smiling).
[...]
Q. Going forward, is there any talk about expansion, especially some potentially attractive markets out there, Las Vegas, Seattle?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: There are expressions of interest that we've been getting from a variety of places, which have been well-chronicled: Kansas City, Seattle, Winnipeg, Las Vegas.
[...]
Q. Is it important to have scorers on the goalie equipment committee?

COMMISSIONER BETTMAN: That was actually our thinking. Both the Players' Association members are a mix of goaltenders and shooters, and we did the same thing. All of our members are GMs who were former players, both as skaters and as goaltenders. So we're going to try and get a balance of view as to the best way to proceed.

Honestly, I've seen beer-league softballs thrown harder than that. This entire "transcript" is just a way to all Gary Asshat to play the politician and answer questions with varying levels of bullshit.

[That drawing is part of a collection by Ken Henderson. He had a bunch of different NHL/Bettman Sucks related images on his site]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: DAN THE BOY

I've never really hated Danny Briere, despite calling him Daniella. Yeah he left Buffalo, but it's a business and I'm more upset at the team management for not being able to keep him or Drooo-ry, than at either of those players for leaving.

Well, shocking new testimony by Dan's father, Ro-bear, indicate that he's only 18 years old now and he was drafted at the ripe young age of 11 years old.



Funny stuff.

[Youtube via Yahoo! Experts Blog]

A HOCKEY PROPOSAL

I've been watching (or 'following' is probably a better word due to the 6-hour delay between EST and Central European Time) a lot of playoff hockey this year, as have many people, and the playoffs have not been a let-down. N° 8 seed Boston took the Habs to 7 games in the East and the N° 6 seed finished them off (say what you will about those crazy Quebecois rioting after the first round, but I think they knew that would only have one shot at it this year - after Round 1).
The future of hockey (Crosby and that little bitch Malkin) are playing inspired hockey in the East and look to be the current favorite to take the cup. Out West, saw the 5 and 6 seeds win their quarterfinal matchups with the Flames almost making in to the semis as the 7 seed.

With the league discussing making the season longer, I wonder if that is not the wrong move. I don't think that TV viewership is up in the regular season and who honestly, even among the most diehard of fans, really cares if their team plays 82 or 84 games during the regular season? The members of this blog have many a time discussed [over many a brew] introducing a relegation-type system to the NHL. While this is probably not possible in the short-to-mid-term, since the current system has most of the minor league teams as feeder teams for the NHL, there is a way: Extend the playoffs and reduce the regular season. This would effectively create a second season that would follow a 65-70 game regular season. By extending the playoffs to 12 teams from each Conference, you would add a round to the playoffs. Except for the worst three teams in each conference, each team would still play at least 70-75 games in the season (meaning at most they would lose 4 homes games).

The variation on this would be to give teams 1-4 a bye in the first round and seeds #5-12 would play a 5-game series. This way there would be a serious push to try to be in the top 4 seeds (no more conference leaders being 1-3; pure points only for seeding) and the #11 and 12 teams would have a chance to advance. Another benefit would be that the Leaves would have to try even harder to not make the playoffs. There would be motivation at all levels. Except for Tampa Bay in the East and the LA Kings in the Campbell, everyone had a chance to be the #12 seed this past season.

• The thing with the playoffs that I find great is that there's much less general goonery; yeah fighting is fun, once in a while, but virtually guaranteeing a fight every game is repetitive and it's always the same punks that do it.
• The intensity level is higher in the playoffs. Since you aren't playing for points anymore, you need to score every night to win.
• Anything can happen in the playoffs. Look at the Lyers. No one gave them much of a chance at the beginning of the season (hell, the beginning of the playoffs), but they're legitimate contenders at this point. And Montreal proved that having the best record in the conference means absolute dick in the playoffs.

Obviously there are many details to work out, but one of the biggest problems with hockey is the length of the season. I like watching as many games as possible, but each game only counts 1/82 towards the final result and with the idiotic scoring system, you could win 10 games and lose every other game in overtime and still possibly make the playoffs (20 points for the 10 wins and 72 points for 72 losses in OT would have been 8th place out West and 9th place in the Prince of Wales Conference this season). For the most part, the last 1/3 of the season that really counts (look at Ottawa who started off real strong and then almost didn't make the playoffs and then got bitch-slapped by Malkin & Co.). This would make the final 1/3 of the season start earlier and would make more games mean more.

Couple of notes:

• The Pens fans may be as bad as the Lyers fans. I hope that these two teams kill each other in the playoffs, literally.
• I will find myself in the unenviable position of rooting for the Campbell conference champ. As a Sabres fan, it is immoral to want to Stars to win and the Wings leave me indifferent. But I can't stand either of the Pennsylvania teams.
  
• Please shut the fuck up about "state of hockey"[via Experts Blog]; no one ever talks this shit when the playoffs have 3 NY teams (Buffalo is part of that great state) or when the Rangers meet the Devils in the Conference finals (although they're in different states it's only like 16 miles between the two arenas). Meh, I guess if I lived in PA I would need some kind of vague hope too.
• The people who troll on Yahoo! are possibly the stupidest people in the world. Jeff already talked about Yahoo! Answers!, but since the Great Wyshynski 's been over at Yahoo! Sports! NHL! Experts! Blog!!! I've been reading over there (nothing against Deadspin, it's just he's a great hockey mind) and the trolls that post comments are fucking retarded. Nearly every post has at least 5 people that respond "GOOOOOO PENS! Whooooo!" Isn't there somewhere else they can go that would bother me less?

[photo credit: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: OVECHKIN CALLED UP

The Onion gets another hockey scoop today, covering Ovechkin's call-up to the "professional" Miami Dolphins.

Reggie, when Ovechkin started off in the NHL do you think that he ever dreamed he'd be able to play sports professionally?

Hockey is challenging, you're going up a bunch of guys that all want to make it to the NFL, or anywhere else.

It's a huge difference [playing in front a crowd], Michael, there's the cheering, knowing that there's actually fans who are depending on you; it's not just mom and dad anymore.

My wife tells me that skating is a great cardio workout; she's got a pair of those Rollerblades.

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

Congratulations, Bettman you fuck. You've managed to take the NHL from "that sport, you know, the one that Gretzky plays...ummm, with the hair...oh, oh and there's ice too" to the well-known punchline for so many sports jokes.

Reggie Greengrass; covering all things sports and hockey too.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: [NOT THAT] BRAWL FROM THE 90s

I'm not sure if this really counts as a "brawl." It's more like some scattered fisticuffs, but why not post a pre-Rob-Ray-Rule topless Rob Ray on the blog. I know that assholeness is in the eye of the fan, but I never liked that dick Claude Lemieux. I'm sure that others think the same of Rob Ray, but he played for my team. For the record, I never liked Barnaby even when he played in Buffalo.

Scotty Stevens checks himself into the boards in his enthusiasm to get involved, but eventually the oiled-torso of Rob Ray is too much and he has his way with Lemieux.



(You all thought I was going to post the Wings/Avs brawl from 1997 didn't you?. To be honest, I was tempted to, but while watching Lemieux turtle, found this link and figured, why the hell not. No one is paying attention to the Sabres or the Devils at this point, may as well be the exception. Here's the link to the real-time brawl, not that Detroit propaganda that certain sites are selling)

NHL PLAYOFFS ROUND 2: FRANCE WEIGHS IN

Here's how I see it for round 2:

Prince of Wales:

(1) Montreal v (6) The Lyers: Last series, I routed against Danielle and he scored 11 points (with 6 goals) in 7 games. The Lyers avoided the game 7 meltdown that everyone was predicting after G6. They managed to overcome the Ovie-hype. I still hate those fuckers. Montreal, on the other hand, managed to drag a 4-game series out to 7 (I wonder how much they pull in at the Molson Centre (Bell Centre? I can't keep up) for two extra games?). Carey Price played a couple games like the dumb rookie that he is. The previous 91 words mean nothing.
Les Habitants en six matches

(2) Penguins v (5) NYR: Sidney Christ (still my preferred name) is starting to get on my nerves. Wait, it's actually the Penguin's bandwagon jumpers are starting to get on my nerves. Sidney plays fine hockey. Malkin's good. Marianne Hossa managed to make it through 5 whole games (a whole series!) without shattering a vital body part. Things are looking up in Western PA. Sidney is good for the sport as a whole: The league needs as much coverage as possible and hopping on Sid's back seems to be the fastest way to more viewer ship. Avery is the biggest twunt to grace a hockey rink since Tie Domi got fired by the Leaves. The Rangers don't really interest me that much. They are, however, a NY hockey team and I am kind of partial to them.
NYR in 6

Campbell Conference

Ugh. I was 3-1 out West and that was pure luck. I know even less now. Meh. What the fuck, I'll give it the old college try.

(1) Detroit v (6) Colorado: I thought Detroit were a lock in the last round and they nearly let the fucking South rise again. Hasek played like a 43-year old geriatrics patient and the Wings didn't impress at all. Colorado also had a bit of trouble with the Wild. I think that Colorado has a chance if they manage to play really well, but I don't think that that will happen. Detroit hasn't been playing great, but they've got too much depth to not make it to the Campbell Conference Finals.
Detroit in 7

(2) SJS v (5) Dallas: I called a Dallas loss last round and I was wrong. I called a Sharks win last round and minus a few Roenick heroics, I was wrong. I don't know. The Sharks have been destined by many a talking head to be this year's Cup recipients, but I wasn't really impressed with their game against Calgary. Ugh. Enough bullshit. I'm going against Dallas again.
SJS in 6

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: AND I THOUGHT MY COMMUTE HOME SUCKED

Not only does Sergei Kostitsyn play in one of the most critical markets in hockey, he also has to avoid rampant Habs fans running through the streets and climbing all over his car.

At least, as Wyshynski put it, they didn't burn his Porsche 911 and instead just chose to wave and take camera-phone pictures.

(Note: I'm pretty sure the video image is reversed and Kostitsyn doesn't have a UK-spec Porsche).



[Youtube via NHL Experts Blog]

I haven't really thought much about those crazy Canadians burning cop cars in celebration of their series win (it's only the first round!), but you know what? I can't really care. People are stupid. They'll continue to be stupid. How lighting cars on fire somehow tells your favorite team 'YOU GUYS ROCK' I'll never know. Even at my drunkest, I've never been tempted to burn things; maybe some harmless vandalism (kicking a garbage can or something), but I just don't get the 'we won, let's go break some shit' mentality.

Good luck Jeff: I hope the Habs 1) Lose before you're there or 2) Don't play any important games (maybe the series will just start and you'll only have to live through games 1-3 of a series) when you're in Montreal.

Since I don't know where to put this, and I don't want to make a separate post AND this post is all about NHL HOCKEY EXPERTS BLOG LOVE, I just want to point out the absolute hilarity of having a fan from the winning team write an "eulogy" for the losing team of each series. People do not get tongue-in-cheek humor and take things way too seriously. The Massholes seem to be the worst, but that's just my opinion:

whatever! you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, pause, you're gay, you'r gay! nuff said!

just like a montreal fan to shoot off when they win and hide under their poutine when they don't. Boston is the best sports town in North America right now.

there is NOTHING more gay than Canada!

Eh, maybe not. There was a lot of vitriol in the Wild eulogy.

it always seems one sided with you avs people. i guess your heads are too big to see both sides.

The Avs suck. This guy is a grade A imbicile [there's a certain amount of wonderful irony when someone misspells a would-be insult of intelligence], which goes to show any monkey with a keyboard can run a blog.

I can see that people are forgetting about the issue at hand. The whole series went down hill once Peter "Flopsberg" decided he wanted to play like a panzy and try to get things done the silly nanny way

Wait, I have forgotten those great people from Jersey, who are well-known for being mild-mannered and classy:

Shows the intelligence of Greg the tool Wy [profane]ski.....when get off your knees and stop blownin Sean [Avery]...write a real column.

possibly the most biased, poorly written, useless piece of garbage i have ever read with my own eyes. written about the biggest piece of garbage [Sean Avery] and excuse for a professional hockey player i think i have ever seen. Just a poor, poor piece of material all around.

I enjoyed reading your article in yahoo sports. Your extreme hate for the devils oozes like the venom from a snake bite.
I'm guessing that Greg Wyshynski, likes the Rangers a lot.
[Wyshynski's a Devils fan]

I can understand that people don't like to read insulting comments about their team, but have a sense of humor; it's only a sport. And the great thing is that every team in the playoffs will get the same treatment, except the one that wins the cup.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SHOULDER

With Patrick Marleau looking for his little doggie last week and AO hitting everything in sight over the past few games, I got thinking about great hockey hits. But the thing is that all the great hits in the NHL have already been seen time and again. There was even a contest to determine the best NHL hit a few weeks back.

So the obvious next step it to find some hits from other leagues. There's some practicality here too: In the NHL everyone is around the same level and even the small players get used to playing against 6'4" defensemen, but in the NCAA and international leagues, you can find widely varying degrees of skill and size.



I am sorry for the idiotic writing that someone felt was necessary in making this video.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: HUET'S TWO-HAND SAVE

I know that this video is from last week but I couldn't find it on Friday and I try to avoid touching my computer over the weekend.

My favorite part of this video is Huet reading the play and dropping his stick before the shot is even made. Yeah the save it good and all, but it's his read on the play that I like.

WALL-MOUNTED SORNY: THE KAPITALS DEFEAT THE CRYERS

My newly-wall-mounted SORNY played host to the showing of Game 5 as the Komrades defeated the Lyers to send the series to a sixth game.

The craptacular duo of Pierre MacGuire and Mike Milbury suck as much as always and the streaming video left some to be desired (I lost the puck multiple times due to the pixelization), but the game was live and I managed to watch it on the TV...It was almost like old times, watching live hockey in the states.





















Yes, those cables will be gone sooner or later. As with everything in my house, it won't be easy because I have to drill through the wall, then the a layer of sheetrock, a layer of fiberglass insulation and a thick piece of wood, but it'll be awesome once I have shelves build and the cables hidden.