ADVICE TO ALL CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS

When a customer calls to notify you of a service outage it is not acceptable to say:

"It's Normal"

No, it is not fucking normal that I pay you every fucking month for a service that you are not providing to me. I am very understanding of the fact that you systems need to be "updated" from time to time. I suggest you do this when no one is using the system. Or you send a subscriber-wide email to notify your clients of the outage. 24 hours without internet is not a) Normal or b) Acceptable.

"Don't worry"

Don't fucking tell me what I should worry about. I count on my internet connection every day. You cutting my service for 24 hours and insisting that I not worry because "everything's normal" is probably the worst possible thing you can do. Don't offer to reimburse the FUCKING DAY that I was without service. The 1€ that you credit me on my bill is completely and utterly irrelevant to me, and it doesn't even pay for 1/100th of the money that I spent calling you motherfuckers on a PAY customer service help line. I believe it's 11 cents per minute (down from 34 cents/min because the government felt that literally raping their customers was a little over board), but it still took me over 40 minutes to finally get on the phone with someone to be told "not to worry."

And lastly you can stop telling me the time I spend on hold is free if I'm calling with your service. OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT CALLING WITH YOUR SERVICE BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN! Assholes.

The only thing worse is that every single ISP is the same here, so I don't have a lot of options. Although, I see that I can switch to Cable, get an HD box for 5€/month and NASN for 6€/month...This would be 11€ more than I pay, BUT non-200kbps streaming pirate internet...Actual, real TV-quality hockey, "As Live."

I think I'd have to pay 50€ to get out of my current contract, but I think I'm doing that. Plus Numericable promises pr0n much much fast..."up to 100mb/s" (I think a few different houses share the fiber optic connection, which means I would never get 100mb/s) but it is still better than my current 4.8mb/s by a couple of mb/s.

Ugh...I hate customer [dis]service.

Great news for all you cynics out there. In looking for the above demotivator, I found the following mug. I don't know if it's as good as "Fuck Off, I'm Reading the Onion" but it's up there.

CAVEAT EMPTOR, ASSHAT

I'm cynical, probably too cynical. In any case, I know that I pay more attention than most and I usually see things from a jaded point of view. But even when I can step back and try to not allow my cynicism to cloud every aspect of my judgment of others, I still wonder how people can be naive.

Here in France the consumer (for the seller) rates somewhere between a rock and that piece of shit that you stepped in on your way to the store, but the government fully protects your right to be ignorant, stupid and otherwise worthless. However, people still manage to feel like they've been taken advantage. Case in point: TVs.

When I bought my SORNY, I did the research, I looked around, I found the right price for the right TV. I tried to inform myself as much as possible about the different norms and such. The current norm for SD digital TV broadcasts is mpeg2. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your POV, I guess), HD can not be broadcast over the mpeg2 norm. I don't know why. I don't give a flying fuck why. For the roll-out (scheduled for early summer 2008) of HD OTA broadcasts a new mpeg4 norm is going to be used. The digital tuners that were in 99% of the flat screen TVs sold until the end of 2007 only process mpeg2. Which means that you can't get HD OTA on most TVs. Allegedly they are going to start selling mpeg4 tuners (or converters or something) that will slide into the PCMCIA slot on the back of most recent-generation TVs.

This isn't enough for some people, who cry foul. They claim that the TV manufacturers purposefully sold under-equipped their equipment to try to get more money from you later on. Despite the fact that this is absolutely idiotic because the TV manufacturers will not manufacture or distribute these cards, so fucking what if they did? As with anything, the point is to sell the product. Just because a product is classed "HD Ready" or "Full HD" (which like gas mileage estimates are government-determined classifications), doesn't mean that it can wash your laundry or act as a sexual aide in the bedroom (which BTW are now sold in the toothbrush aisle at my local supermarket, no shitting).

My problem is two-fold: 1) The government couldn't pull their heads out of their asses for long enough to decide until mid-2007 what standardized norm they were going to use for HD OTA broadcasts and 2) French consumers spent 4 billion euros on HD "products" in 2007. At least a few of those people must have been well-enough informed to know that their mpeg2 tuner wouldn't work, yet they pulled the trigger (I knew and I did it too). Yet you have these asshats whose sole goal in life is to bitch and whine and moan and claim that everything that has happened to them is the fault of others. It's called capitalism asshole. The companies do not have you in mind when they sell you that product. They have the almighty ollar in mind.

These are the same people who buy the cheapest TV or car or Total Excellium and then they bitch because it doesn't work.

Man, I hate people.

NOTHING BUT CRAP: NBC SPORTS SIGNS ON FOR ANOTHER "SEASON"

NBC Sports has decided to extend their reign of error to include broadcasting NHL hockey during the 2008-09 season. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Wait, yes I can, I have a blog. This is the same NBC Sports who:

* Stopped showing Game 5 of the 2007 Stanley Cup semifinal during overtime to show horsies;
* Don't begin NHL broadcasts until January, apparently not realizing the season starts 3 months earlier;
* Frequently schedule games as early as noon, to get them out of the way of their golf broadcasts;
* Have a horribly layed out website featuring useless in-game oddities like "Crosby-Cam";
* Despite a "flex schedule" they showed the same teams ad nauseum (Rangers and Penguins were in 7 of the 10 East Coast feed games);
* Feature Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury bitching at each other during intermission, a duo that not only doesn't bring anything to the table, they actually start removing things and smashing them on the ground (yes, Pierre called Washington "The Crapitals");
* Taking play-by-play man Doc Emrick during the playoffs and sticking him in places like Detroit, just when the Devils broadcasts need him the most.

It's also no coincidence that the NHL fixed the schedule so NBC can slobber all over Sid during Game 2 vs. the Rangers on Sunday afternoon, thus screwing Philly in the process by giving them only one day off before trekking to Montréal.

I could go on, but you get the crappy picture: they have no knowledge of the sport, barely find any space to squeeze it into their schedule (WOW, NINE WHOLE GAMES NEXT SEASON!), and when it's finally on they treat it with a complete lack of respect. The NHL should be as proud as a peacock to have them on board for an other year.

Bettman, you suck.

YOU LOST ME

This video is hilarious: "LOST" summed up in 4 minutes 24 seconds.



"Sun is pregnant but Jin is sterile--what's up with that?"
"They see Jack play football with Mr. Friendly. Mr. Friendly throws like a girl."
"Jack has a screwdriver for breakfast."

Of course, there are a whole bucket load of details it leaves out (LOSTPEDIA takes care of that), but overall it sums up the ABC show's storyline quite succinctly. So if you haven't seen it yet, you have no excuse now. Conversely, if you never watched it now you know why. Either way, let's face it, there's really nothing else to watch.

SORNY BRAVARIA + NHL 2000 = KICKING THE DEVILS' ASSES

I got my authentic Sorny TV yesterday and since I rarely watch TV, I was kind of flipping around watching the Simpsons dubbed into French (Homerpoloza is a great episode, by the way) and bad French rap...Until I realized, I still have a PS1 somewhere. And NHL 2000 to go with it.

I played a warm up game against the Cryers, which ended poorly, for them. 5-1 Sabres, with Miro Satan getting 2G and 2Assists. After a little bit of dealing (man I love NHL 2000) in which the Canadian National Team traded me Joe Sakic for some benchwarmer and the Czech Republic team traded Jagr to me for...I don't even remember: A fifth line center, I think. We faced Dave Anderchyuk and the NJ Devils!

Bad night for Marty, giving up 3 goals on 27 shots (had an empty netter too), but that's the way it goes. Michael Peca even checked Scott Stevens through the glass. They were firing on all cylinders!

'ARRESTED' MOVIE IN DEVELOPMENT?

No sooner did I post the pilot of Arrested Development to kick off Jeffuary did this little news tidbit arrive: Jeffrey Tambor said on XM Radio's Ron & Fez Show that plans for an AD movie are in the works. Jason Bateman is also very interested, and producers Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard are attempting to round of the rest of the show's cast members. They already have an idea for the storyline, which is the first good reason I've heard yet to end the writers' strike.

If past performance is an indication of future results, it will garner a 92% Tomatometer rating from critics while making $92,000 at the box office. But with the state of comedy movies today (Meet The Spartans, Norbit, Adam Sandler steadfastly refusing to retire), this is refreshing news and obviously incredible news for the fans of the show like me. And since all three seasons are on DVD, you have no excuse not to catch up. (I really want Season Three for my birthday.)

CAN JEFFUARY GET ANY BETTER? I HUMBLY SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT!

STEVE HOLT!

Photo courtesy of Fox Entertainment

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

It's that magical month once again, where it's all about me. (Kris also turns 30 at some point this month, but never mind that.)

I've got several things planned for this supersized leap-yearified 29 day month, including: drinking, skiing, the 1st ANNUAL LEAP INTO JEFFUARY NYC PUB CRAWL (details coming soon), videogames, a week long trip to Florida featuring golf, going to the beach, jetskiing and drinking (possibly all at once), a college hockey game, finally going to see that damn Coen Brothers movie, and much much more. Most important of all, I'd like to thank the New York Giants for playing in HYPER-MATCH 101010 on Sunday, making this an extra special Jeffuary. (And win or lose, I will be taking a sick day on Hyper-Match Monday and hitting some golf balls somewhere.)

As I've done for the past two years here on the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG (proud member of the EYE-OPENER family of hate blogs), I'm going to put up a daily post featuring whatever the hell I want (as if I haven't been doing that already). Today, it's a video from one of my all time favorite TV shows.

Arrested Development was one of the funniest shows ever. Sparsely watched but critically acclaimed during its brief three season run on FOX, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb there. Smartly written and densely packed with jokes, it was also excellently casted (who knew Jason Bateman could be a hilariously dry straight man?). And Will Arnett (GOB) never ceases to crack me up; it's a shame his movie career so far has been awful.

I see new things every time I watch an episode of this show, which is pretty much all I've done for the past month since getting Season 1 and 2 on DVD. And if you didn't follow it from the beginning, I admit it would seem rather daunting; you need to know the background of the characters and their situations to truly appreciate the humor, plot, and many call-backs to previous episodes. With the availability of the shows on DVD, TV (I think it's still on G4TV?) and online (thanks, Hulu!), you have no excuse. I will not let you ignore it. So let's start at the very beginning.

"Pilot"
Season 1
Episode 1
Time: 21:44
Aired: Sunday, November 2, 2003
Moments after Michael Bluth decides he's leaving the family business because he was passed over for a promotion, his father is arrested for shady bookkeeping.



Arrested Development [G4TV site]

Whatever happened to Alia Shawkat? All I know is that she turned 18 last April and she's filled out rather nicely. Couldn't Michael Cera get her a juicy nude scene part in one of his movies?




UPDATE (5:00 PM): Hulu isn't working at all today. Thanks for ruining Jeffuary! Stupid Hulu, with your stupid name. What is a Hulu anyway? Besides a non-working crappy website?

"FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS": BOOM BOOM TIL THE BREAK OF BOOM!

I don't do this often, but I have an enthusiastic TV show recommendation: Flight of the Conchords. This is one of the funniest shows I've seen in a while, and it was produced by Troy Miller (Mr. Show with Bob and David), so that explains a lot. The show revolves around two guys (Jemaine Clement and Brit McKenzie) from a New Zealand "digi-folk" band who move to New York, to presumably make some money playing gigs. Of course, it doesn't turn out exactly as planned (one problem being their clueless agent, reminiscent of Stephen Merchant on Extras), and they begin to feel the "Inner City Pressure".



I gather that these guys have been a big comedy/music act for a few years, sort of the Tenacious D of New Zealand, if you will. If you like the music videos, also check out "She's So Hot (BOOM)".



"We're gonna boom boom boom 'til the break of boom! Who's the BOOM KING? I'm the BOOM KING!"

I just watched episode 2 on HBO tonight, very funny stuff. There are numerous standalone clips of the "music videos", which are the centerpiece of the eps, but they're much funnier in context since they come out of nowhere. Through the magic of the InterWebs, you don't need HBO to watch the pilot episode: it's on YouTube!
[Part 1][Part 2][Part 3]

Flight of the Conchords [HBO]
Flight of the Conchords [Official MySpace]

LOST FOR GOOD?

I'm not a patient man.

Just ask anyone who has been in my car while stuck in traffic, or while trying to leave a parking lot after a hockey game. Or better yet, ask anyone who has been near me while trying to get a drink at a crowded bar (I'm 6'4", how can they not see me?!). So when ABC put their hit show LOST was on hiatus from early November until today, I thought I'd be done with it. This is the only show that routinely landed in the Top 10 for the network and I'm sure it makes a ton of money, and they had to split it into two pieces due to "production constraints"? I don't even know what that means. Is it because of all the cast members that party too hard on location in Hawaii? (I think there's been 2 DWIs and a house fire so far.)

LOST is a heavy serial show that demands your attention, because of all the plot points, details, and back story you have to absorb and remember. Personally, I can't recall a single thing about what happened in the previous "half-season". Something about Sawyer and Kate shagging in a polar bear cage, aborted spinal surgery, and Jack telling Kate to "RUN!!!" Or something. I also refuse to go to those silly overbearing fansites to refresh my memory. They should have a ticker running along the bottom of the screen with character information, like "Locke is looking for Jack", and "Sayid is swimming back to shore with a shotgun and he is PISSED". Or maybe they could have a map inset showing where the characters are on the island, sort of like Grand Theft Auto 3. Throw me a bone, here.

This show has a lot of fans, enough so that there's even a college course based on it at Tufts University (I heard an interview of the students responsible and they don't sound all that bright, but the syllabus is pretty good). However, the ratings have slipped, and this hiatus may have whittled it down to a mere cult following. All I know is that this episode can't possibly live up to the buildup over the past 3 months, and it might lose some viewers for good.

Anyway, since you didn't ask for it, here's my overall theory on LOST:

* During WWII, the island was discovered as the source of a large natural electromagnetic pulse. This power would reek havoc with compasses, and gave strange healing powers to everyone exposed to it. Eager to harness its energy, testing laboratories were soon set up on it and scientists sent there to study it. Various animals were brought in and psychological testing was done on humans, to ascertain its power.

* The DHARMA Initiative, funded by the HANSO Foundation, provided supplies for scientists to live full time on the island. It was found out that although the island had powers to heal the sick and give prognosticative powers to some, the scientists who tried to have children were rendered sterile.

* Ben, who said "he's lived there his whole life", is the second generation of the island's first inhabitants, one of the children of the original scientists.

* Juliet is a bitch and I didn't like her from day 1. Jack, don't listen to her, you dummy!

* Kate is in cahoots with "The Others", since everytime she's asked, "What did they do to you?" she refuses to answer.

Oh screw it, I'm tired. Here's a picture of Evangeline Lilly (Kate).