TOP 10 THINGS I DIDN'T MISS ABOUT NFL FOOTBALL

We're about 1/4 of the way through the NFL season, and I'm already tired of it. I didn't realize how exasperating it can be, as I filtered out all the shit and just remember the Giants Super Bowl win. But getting there is quite a shitty road. Because everyone loves Top 10 Lists, here's another one, Top 10 Things I Didn't Miss About NFL Football.

10. Chris Fucking Berman. Not only has his shtick worn out its welcome, but he's also appearing in NutriSystem commercials. Good God, just shut up already.

9. Joe Fucking Buck. I wish the FOX robot would take the baseball bat he's armed with (cross promotion with MLB! Kill me now!) and slug that smug prick in the face.

8. Owners thinking they're part of the team. You don't know anything about football, you just have a lot of money and own a bunch of amusement parks and oil drills. So stop sticking your face in front of the camera, Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones, and fuck off.

7. The media thinking I care what football players have to say, or what they do off the field. The Giants' Plaxico Burress didn't answer his phone for 2 days, was suspended two weeks (one of them a bye, which is horseshit), and they still pummeled the Seahawks? Who cares? Just catch passes, or throw them, or do whatever it is you do on the field. I don't give a shit about the rest of it.

6. Every media outlet slobbering over the Cowboys. At this point I'm rooting for Tony Romo to break his arm on a pass to T.O. as the ball explodes and the leather shards permanently blind him. It's also amazing to me that the Giants STILL they don't get any respect or attention. What do they have to do, win the first game on the moon?

(UPDATE: I wrote the above sentence weeks ago, before Romo broke his pinky and could be out for up to 4 weeks. Thanks!)

5. Football Night In America. Lousy name, lousy show, brought to you by lousy NBC Sports. While the team of commentators (Costas, Collingsworth, King, Tiki, Jerome, etc.) are mildly irritating, nothing is worse than the has-been dream-team of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann. The latter is especially glib and unfunny in the role he's rehashing for NBC, as if he's saying, "Kick me off MSNBC's political reporting for being too smug a prick about McCain, eh? Why, I'll be so insufferable doing football highlights they'll HAVE to reinstate me!" I think it's all a ploy to make Madden seem brilliant by comparison. It's working, because it's actually enjoyable to listen to him after all of NBC's jackassery. (Oh, and the John Williams theme music makes me constantly look over my shoulder to see if there's an evil Darth Someone about to stick a lightsabre in my Jar-Jar Binks.)

4. So many abysmal teams with ancient, boring QBs. Kerry Collins, Gus Frerotte, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia--the 2008 NFL season is going to be known as The Year Of The Old White Guy. Do you mean to tell me there isn't one college QB from the past 10 years that are better than Gus Frerotte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, J.T. O'Sullivan and Sage Rosenfeld? Speaking of, check out this craptastic play by Lions "quarterback" Dan Orlovsky:



Where the hell did you think you were running? We're not in Canada! Good God, you suck.

3. The commercials. Good Lord, they're interminable. Kickoff, then 4 minutes of commercials, 3 and out drive, punt, more commercials, a couple of plays, timeout, more commercials--FUCK! While watching a game is excruciating, I can't imagine even GOING to a game any more, it would seem endless. At least if I'm at home or at a bar, I can find something else to do to pass the time.

Not only are the commercials never-ending, but they're also incredibly fucking dumb. After watching a lot of Discovery HD over the summer, the plummeting collective IQ of the marketing campaigns saved just for football fans feels like a spike driven into my frontal lobe Here's the trifecta of ubiquitious and annoying ads I have to endure.

* "How will I know if my beer is cold if the little Coors mountain doesn't turn blue?!?" I don't know, maybe you can tell because IT'S IN YOUR FUCKING HAND? How about you break the bottle over your head and feel it that way? Assholes.

* Budweiser American Ale. An American style ale brought to you by a Belgian owned company! Woo hoo! I know they're probably referring to the style, but I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively. In fact, I would love if people revolved and stopped buying their shit, but that will probably never happen as long as they keep putting out groundbreaking products like light beer with lime flavoring in it. Go get fucked, A-B.

* Heineken wants you to believe that because the city of Amsterdam is great, this means that their skunktacular beer must be great. However, they use "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis as the background music. Why did they choose a song by a band from Scotland to tell you how great the Netherlands' biggest city is? If Amsterdam was so DAM GOOD, they should at least have one good band, no?

2. Monday Night Football. I can avoid listening to ESPN talking heads during the week by just not turning the channel on. But when your team plays on Monday night, and the radio feed is 30 seconds ahead of the action, what can you do? Seriously, the commentators are atrocious this season, constantly undermined by chatty jackass Tony Kornheiser. ESPNABCDISNEY needs to bring back Dennis Miller. And no, I'm not kidding.

1. Instant replay. They just don't seem to get it right. Personally, I would love to see it removed from all sports, and have the referees just say, "Fuck you, I'm calling it on the field". Instead, they're afraid to make a call (or in the case of Ed "Herculis" Hocholi, a little overeager), and they huddle up to make sure they're all making up the same story. Because no matter what they call, someone will complain about it.

T.I.H.: SPORTS EDITION

I've hit a blog wall. From day to day, I'm not sure what to blog about. I've got blogger's blogk. I'm suffering from blogspot dysfunction.

I could see if it was because I've had a busy summer, but that's not the case. I don't feel like I did anything constructive, interesting or groundbreaking, and now with August almost over and I feel like I should have been lounging on the beach sipping mai tais for the last few weekends. There's no time like the present, right?

Anyway, why not go to the old fallback position: THINGS I HATE! This time it's a special SPORTS EDITION. Here we go!

The FedEx Cup. This thing is so pointless, I can't even begin to tell you. It's "the playoffs" of golf according to those who started this points system thing, but judging by the sparse crowds at the Barclays in NJ this week no one's buying into it. So who is the #1 point getter? Why it's TIGER WOODS, who has been out for the past 2 months due to knee surgery. Okay, so let's ignore that minor oversight, and instead focus on #2 in line to win this pointless award. It's got to be Padraig Harrington, who won two majors (PGA and The Open), right? Nope, he's astonishingly down at #4, behind FIGJAM! You'll never guess who is the leader: KENNY PERRY. I could not name one tournament I've seen him play in this year, and I watch most of them. To add to this absurdity, all Hunter Mahan had to do to go from #37 to a "projected #1" is shoot a 62 yesterday. Nice try, FedEx, but how about you focus on delivering packages instead of a silly golf playoff format that that no one cares about.

Chris "Mad Dog" Russo. For the past 19 years, New York sports fans have had to put up with this sports radio personality, and his egocentric partner on the "Mike (Francesser) and the Mad Dog" show on WFAN, until he called it quits last week. During his tenure this buffoon is a San Francisco Giants fan and has OPENLY ROOTED AGAINST NEW YORK TEAMS including the Yankees and Mets, and he couldn't give a crap about the Giants or Jets. He knows (and talks) more about tennis and Springsteen than football, hockey, horse racing and basketball combined. How he has amassed a fortune in sports radio is beyond my comprehension. Now he's moving to Sirius XM radio to ply his unfathomable trade. God, I just wish this guy would choke on his own bile.

NBC Sports interrupting sporting events. They're already on my shit list for their hockey coverage (and their sports coverage in general) but they've now hit a new low. I honestly haven't watched much of their insufferable Olympics coverage (except the last 3 Michael Phelps races, which were all irritatingly hyped by an on-screen "Phelps countdown"). Part of the reason I haven't watched is that the vast majority of their events have been on tape delay, so you would think they would show the live events in their entirety since they are so few and far between, right? Alas, that's not the case. On Friday night, they interrupted a mens swim relay to show a commercial, right in the middle of the race, TWICE. NBC, you monumentally suck at broadcasting sports.

Brett Fucking Favre. I don't care, ESPN. I don't care, New York media. I don't care about Brett Favre, where he's going, where he's been, who he's text messaging, what photo op he's attending. I DON'T CARE. Furthermore, despite the giddy excitement by their fans the New York Jets Bretts were NOT one player away from the playoffs, and certainly not a 38 year old QB away. Yes, he will be able to throw those 65 yard bomb interceptions that Chad Paperthin could only dream about. Congratulations to the Jets management for finding a way to sell more jerseys, ones that will look pretty silly in about 18 months or so when he re-retires. Thanks to the media, however, for showing him for what he really is: a selfish player who just wants attention. Well, you will be showered with it in New York, especially negative comments when you fail to make the postseason.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS: OLYMPIC SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING EDITION

The summer Olympics began today, and I'm going to be honest: I don't really like the summer Olympics. Some of the major track and field events are exciting, but everything else (especially the gymnastics, which they force feed the US viewers) is just dull to me. This year, because it's in the horribly overcrowded and polluted city of Beijing, China all the events are 12 hours ahead, so I will know what happens even before NBC Sports screws up the tape delay broadcast of it. Maybe I'll focus on the fringe sports like kayaking, judo, fencing, heptathalon, and shooting (which the USA should win every year, since we're so skilled at shooting each other). Or I could waste time watching our overrated, narcissistic basketball players like Kobe Bryant get beat by Argentina. Nah, I'll just watch golf.

However, I do like female synchronized swimmers. They're not as muscular and butch as their swimming cohorts, since they're sort of doing gymastics in the water and are judged on their appearance and style. Wait a second: who thought doing gymnastics in the water was a good idea?

In synchronized swimming not only are pants hated, they're illegal as sanctioned by the IOC.



Here's the U.S. team. They probably don't have a chance in hell of medaling, but they have photo galleries in Radar, Fitness, and don't they look nice?



Here are the Russian duet swimmers.



Oh my. So THAT'S how it is over there.

Finally, here is the classic video featuring the men's synchronized swimming team, who were hoping to be included in the 1988 Olympics.



Okay, it's actually an SNL skit featuring Harry Shearer, Martin Short and Christopher Guest.

"I'm not that strong a swimmer."
"Heyyyy you! I know you! I know you!"

2008 U.S. OPEN RECAP: THE TIGER SHOW

What can I say about Tiger Freaking Woods that hasn't already been said?

He won his 14th major tournament yesterday, the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, in case you hadn't heard. It took 19 extra playoff holes, probably due to his knee injury which was visibly bothering him all weekend. I'm not going to bother regurgitating all of the highlights from the weekend, but he showed flashes of brilliance and between all the limping and grimacing, finally outlasting an eternally upbeat Rocco Mediate to win it. It also reminded me that the golf I play and the golf he plays are completely different sports.

The worst thing about this "classic" tournament finish is that virtually nobody saw it, as it was on at 12 noon Eastern, leaving us working stiffs to follow along on various live blogs (all of which crashed due to overloaded servers). I don't know why they would schedule smack dab in the middle of a workday, but it's probably a USGA rule. Even more disconcerting was that the 18 hole playoff broadcast started on ESPN (the first 8 holes) and ended on NBC (2 PM).

Overall, I'm going to have to say "boo" to NBC/ESPN for their tag team coverage of the event. I really don't understand why ESPN had to have the early coverage on Thursday and Friday, and NBC the Saturday/Sunday broadcasts. ESPN's coverage was even more Tiger-and-Phil-centric than I could have imagined, coming to a head on the par 3 8th. After Phil one-upped Tiger by hitting his tee shot inside his, they cut to commercial and missed Adam Scott's near hole-in-one which clanged off the pin. Classic ESPN jackassery!

When NBC got their hands on the tournament, it didn't get any better. Once FIGJAM! had stumbled out of the picture with a quadruple bogey on Saturday, NBC cranked up the Tiger Hype to ridiculous proportions, bringing in Bob Costas and Jimmy Roberts to contribute to the endless hyperbole. It got so insane that at the beginning of Sunday's telecast you would have thought Tiger was the only one on the course. Even my Dad, who normally isn't bothered by that stuff, said "I like him, but this isn't the Tiger Show." (It seems like the complaining I've done has finally sunk in.)

But in the end, it ended up being the Tiger Show after all. The guy is amazing, there's no other way to put it.

(More importantly, what can be said about my blognostication that he'd win it? I know, I truly went out on a limb. However, I also said that Lee Westwood would be a contender, and he was up until the final hole on Sunday. Yes, that was sheer luck. I also said Jerry Kelly and FIGJAM! would play well, and they both stunk out loud.)

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

NOTHING BUT CRAP: NBC SPORTS SIGNS ON FOR ANOTHER "SEASON"

NBC Sports has decided to extend their reign of error to include broadcasting NHL hockey during the 2008-09 season. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Wait, yes I can, I have a blog. This is the same NBC Sports who:

* Stopped showing Game 5 of the 2007 Stanley Cup semifinal during overtime to show horsies;
* Don't begin NHL broadcasts until January, apparently not realizing the season starts 3 months earlier;
* Frequently schedule games as early as noon, to get them out of the way of their golf broadcasts;
* Have a horribly layed out website featuring useless in-game oddities like "Crosby-Cam";
* Despite a "flex schedule" they showed the same teams ad nauseum (Rangers and Penguins were in 7 of the 10 East Coast feed games);
* Feature Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury bitching at each other during intermission, a duo that not only doesn't bring anything to the table, they actually start removing things and smashing them on the ground (yes, Pierre called Washington "The Crapitals");
* Taking play-by-play man Doc Emrick during the playoffs and sticking him in places like Detroit, just when the Devils broadcasts need him the most.

It's also no coincidence that the NHL fixed the schedule so NBC can slobber all over Sid during Game 2 vs. the Rangers on Sunday afternoon, thus screwing Philly in the process by giving them only one day off before trekking to Montréal.

I could go on, but you get the crappy picture: they have no knowledge of the sport, barely find any space to squeeze it into their schedule (WOW, NINE WHOLE GAMES NEXT SEASON!), and when it's finally on they treat it with a complete lack of respect. The NHL should be as proud as a peacock to have them on board for an other year.

Bettman, you suck.

WRIST SHOTS: TROPICAL DEPRESSION

Anything would be finer than to be in Carolina this morning.

The Carolina Hurricanes, once a Category 3 in the conference, have been downgraded to a tropical depression and are drifting out to sea. Now they have to wait for the selection committee's decision tonight to see if there is still hope. What? It's a points based playoff system and there IS no selection committee? They're ELIMINATED? Sweet tea with biscuit gravy! That would be like the nearly unbeatable North Carolina Tarheels and Tyler Whitesbrough forgetting to show up in their Final Four game with Kansas. Oops.

A different storm has taken the 'Canes place, the cyclone called the Kapital Komrades. (Hey, who let the Swede and the Canuck in the photo?) In last place at the end of 2007, going down the stretch they tore the Southeast Division a new five-hole winning 14 of 18, and they're not even located in the Southeast (see how silly and misleading the new division names are, Doc Emrick?). Catching up with Carolina and tying them with one game each to play, it's amazing that it came down to beating Florida, which Carolina couldn't manage yet the Kaps could. They won't meet Sidsburgh in the first round (thankfully!), though I much prefer forcing the struggling Sens or the Philthy Lyers to skate face-first into this buzzsaw instead.

What a player Thomas Vanek is! Freed from the burdens of "pressure" and "playoff race" he scored 3 garbage time goals (an "unnecessary hat trick") to meaninglessly lead the Sabres over the Bruins, 3-0. How fantastic of him to step up when it didn't matter. Enjoy rooting for this non-entity for the next whatever number of years (6?), Buffalo.

Meanwhile, Montreal beat Toronto (love the "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" chant at Le Centre Bell with 5 minutes left) to set up an ORIGINAL SIX first round matchup with Boston, which is the way it should be. Typically, the Leaves throw in a cheapshot with less than 5 seconds left in this one (and in their season), with McCabe and Stewart battling with their sticks in an asinine way I can only call Youngblood-esque.



Hey hey hey, goodbye Leaves, you pugilistic pricks.

So it's come down to this: the Strangers visit the Devils in beautiful downtown Newark today to decide home ice in their 4/5 playoff matchup, with a regulation win putting Game 1 in MSG. You know, I hope the Rangers go 8-0 in the regular season and lose to the Devils in the first round, just to prove how little that matters (just like the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS losing to Green Bay and Dallas only to beat them in the playoffs).

I realize this report shows an East Coast bias, but with the fantastic TV deals Bettman's signed that's I'm allowed to see. As it is, I'm watching Chicago play today for maybe the 3rd time this season, which is just as many games 'Hawks fans got to see under the watchful, miserly, cold dead hand of Bill Wirtz. (Hey, I'm sure NBC Sports is broadcast free in Hell.) Welcome to the 20th century, you're finally going to show all 82 games on TV next season. Brilliant.

In closing, screw NBC Sports once again for making Doc Emrick call the inconsequential game in Detroit, meaning he won't be present at the Devils' final home game. How about some "home fan appreciation"?

WRIST SHOTS: POINTLESS ENDEAVORS

I have been in favor of eliminating the current NHL point system, as it's gimmicky and rewards mediocrity. The folks over at Slap Shot (The NY Times hockey blog) came up with an interesting idea: they compare the NHL's "deeply flawed guaranteed-point scheme" (N) with the current 3-2-1-0 Euro system (E), and determine where each NHL team would be.

The N.H.L. Standings as They Are, and as They Should Be*

The West is virtually the same (VAN and NSH flip-flop and EDM, who stink in regulation but excel in the shootout, would be rightfully eliminated, shown in italics below). In the East, however, it would be bad news for the Rangers, who are sub-.500 in regulation and would end up down at 8th; the Devils would also drop from 4th to 6th, and be passed by Philthy. What about the Sabres? Still out of it, but alive.

WEST
N: Det 111, SJ 106, Min 95, Ana 98, Dal 93, Col 91, Cgy 90, Van 88 /// Nsh 87, Edm 86, Chi 84, Phx 80, Clm 80, StL 74, LA 69.
E: Det 157, SJ 145, Min 129, Ana 132, Dal 128, Cgy 124, Col 123, Nsh 119 /// Van 117, Chi 113, Clm 109, Phx 108, Edm 107, StL 101, LA 93.
EAST
N: Pit 99, Mtl 98, Car 90, NJ 93, Ott 92, NYR 91, Phi 91, Bos 91 /// Wsh 88, Bfl 86, Tor 82, Fla 81, NYI 76, Atl 72, TB 71.
E: Pit 137, Mtl 132, Car 125, Ott 128, Phi 125, NJ 124, Bos 122, NYR 120 /// Wsh 117, Bfl 115, Tor 110, Fla 108, TB 101, NYI 98, Atl 89.

In the comments section someone inquires what the standings would look like if they used the old W-L-T format (converting all OT/SO to a point for each team) . . . and in that case the Sabres would be in 8th. Woo hoo! Kris summed up their actual playoff scenario: "Buffalo needs to win out and either Boston or Philly must earn zero points in 3 games, or NYR must earn zero point in four games AND Washington needs to get no more than 2 points over 3 games." Simple! If that happens I will eat my CCM hockey helmet and buy everyone that reads this blog a lavish dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (drinks not included).

I just heard that NBC's Game of The Week (which I tried to live blog yesterday, but lost interest and watched the entertaining and nicely crafted Assassination Of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford instead) has featured either the Rangers or the Penguins 7 times out of 10. So it's not my imagination, it's been excessive. Next week, they promise Chicago at Detroit, though by that time the Blackhawks might be out of it. Personally, I'm sick of CROSBY-CAM and I think it's time for LUCIC-CAM!

At least I can fall back on VERSUS who always mixes it up and shows different teams. For instance tonight they're showing . . . PENS AT RANGERS? Oh sweet Jebus.

By the way, I noticed that every teams' site has been converted to "teamname.nhl.com" as of this season. That's asinine, as I would rather type "bruins.com" or "sabres.com" to get where I want. This is akin to that "espn.go.com" nonsense--where the fuck did the Go Network go anyway? And why don't they just change it to "espn.com"? Yeah, I know they sometimes get re-directed but that's stupid and just makes more work for everyone. Bettman sucks.

Out West, I am officially afraid of Sharks. I pick them every year to represent the Campbell Conference in the finals, and every year they find some way to blow it. This is the year . . . they do the same thing. My theory is that as late spring temperatures heat up in the Valley, the ice gets slower and bogs down the once high flying team--either that or Nabokov and Marleau actually suck.

He may have reluctantly been forced into captaincy, but Jagr appears to be doing the opposite of what one would expect of a team captain. His reluctantance to participate in the skills competition has been well-publicized, as has his ineffectiveness (0 for 5 this season). However, this week he announced that he's talking about playing in Russia next year, a declaration which is ill-timed at best considering the Rangers are about to begin a playoff campaign. Anyway, I feel for the guy because if you take a shit in this city, everyone in the sports media is up your ass. I think he's the greatest but my dad says he doesn't skate very hard, except during the playoffs.

THE HELL I DON'T!


(I had to post this, because as lesser Zucker movies keep coming out, it makes me love this movie even more.)

My recent postings questioned the definition of a "choke-job". I think it can be defined as winning the President's Cup one year and missing the playoffs the next (which you can't blame on losing 2 free agents and/or injuries), like the 1995-96 Devils did after winning the Cup. Also, leading 3-1 at home going into the 3rd period versus the Sens, when you're 4 points out of a playoff spot . . . if you end up losing 6-3, that's a choke-job.

My interest in the NCAA basketball tournament died on Friday night when I realized all #1 seeds were going to sweep. So let's check out the FROZEN FOUR:

Michigan, Notre Dame, Boston College, North Dakota.

I don't know about you, but my brackets are toast since (I had UNH and Minny). The NY state teams are gone, and I guess UNH was not as good as I thought they were; they got a #1 seed despite a 3 OT loss in the Hockey East finals to BC, which should have told me something. After my Mass rant I can't really root for BC, who got to the finals thanks to two home games (in Worcester), so I'm just going to root for some good hockey. The semis (Mich/ND 6 PM, BC/UND 9 PM) are Thurs 4/10, and the final is on Sat 4/12 (7 PM).

(Yeah, I know it's MLB Opening Day and I'm blogging about college hockey. That's how much I care about it.)