2008 U.S. OPEN RECAP: THE TIGER SHOW

What can I say about Tiger Freaking Woods that hasn't already been said?

He won his 14th major tournament yesterday, the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, in case you hadn't heard. It took 19 extra playoff holes, probably due to his knee injury which was visibly bothering him all weekend. I'm not going to bother regurgitating all of the highlights from the weekend, but he showed flashes of brilliance and between all the limping and grimacing, finally outlasting an eternally upbeat Rocco Mediate to win it. It also reminded me that the golf I play and the golf he plays are completely different sports.

The worst thing about this "classic" tournament finish is that virtually nobody saw it, as it was on at 12 noon Eastern, leaving us working stiffs to follow along on various live blogs (all of which crashed due to overloaded servers). I don't know why they would schedule smack dab in the middle of a workday, but it's probably a USGA rule. Even more disconcerting was that the 18 hole playoff broadcast started on ESPN (the first 8 holes) and ended on NBC (2 PM).

Overall, I'm going to have to say "boo" to NBC/ESPN for their tag team coverage of the event. I really don't understand why ESPN had to have the early coverage on Thursday and Friday, and NBC the Saturday/Sunday broadcasts. ESPN's coverage was even more Tiger-and-Phil-centric than I could have imagined, coming to a head on the par 3 8th. After Phil one-upped Tiger by hitting his tee shot inside his, they cut to commercial and missed Adam Scott's near hole-in-one which clanged off the pin. Classic ESPN jackassery!

When NBC got their hands on the tournament, it didn't get any better. Once FIGJAM! had stumbled out of the picture with a quadruple bogey on Saturday, NBC cranked up the Tiger Hype to ridiculous proportions, bringing in Bob Costas and Jimmy Roberts to contribute to the endless hyperbole. It got so insane that at the beginning of Sunday's telecast you would have thought Tiger was the only one on the course. Even my Dad, who normally isn't bothered by that stuff, said "I like him, but this isn't the Tiger Show." (It seems like the complaining I've done has finally sunk in.)

But in the end, it ended up being the Tiger Show after all. The guy is amazing, there's no other way to put it.

(More importantly, what can be said about my blognostication that he'd win it? I know, I truly went out on a limb. However, I also said that Lee Westwood would be a contender, and he was up until the final hole on Sunday. Yes, that was sheer luck. I also said Jerry Kelly and FIGJAM! would play well, and they both stunk out loud.)

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

PUTTING THE BISCUIT IN THE SHOPPING BASKET

Selling the NHL has been a tricky business. They seem to use two approaches when creating NHL commercials: dead serious with an emphasis on tradition, and incredibly silly. Personally, I tend to prefer the latter, like the ones shown in this montage.



"Swedish twins? I thought that was just a myth!"

The GAME ON! commercials from 2005 declaring the NHL's return from the lockout were also very funny, like this one from that campaign featuring Marty Turco.



And why don't they make some more like NHL ROAD TRIP? That was the last decent hockey commercial anyone has ever made.



However, the NHL and VERSUS seemingly has lost its sense of humor this time around. Though I was literally laughing out loud at one of the latest VERSUS commercials for the Pens/Lyers series last night, it was for a different reason. It was basically a loving B/W* montage of HOCKEY JESUS and a freeze frame that read "Sidney Crosby" for extra emphasis (as if we didn't already know). They then showed a bunch of shots of those nobodies over in Philly, whatever who cares, TUNE IN TO SEE SIDNEY PLAY SOME OTHER TEAM IN GAME 3 TONIGHT! Yes, the ratings on VERSUS have been on the upswing, and I realize that Sid is a big part of the selling of the league but that's ridiculous. And those high ratings, the best for the network since they began showing the NHL 3 years ago, have everything to do with two cities (Philly and Pittsburgh) that have firmly entrenched hockey fan bases and little to do with marketing.

(*Why do the latest batch of VERSUS commericals use that "black and white" gimmick? I feel like I'm watching a 1947 newsreel before the latest "talkie" begins. How about you use some HIGH DEFINITION FOOTAGE? There might be some of it laying around somewhere.)

Meanwhile, ESPN is doing its part to undermine the appeal of the NHL by featuring Don Cherry on SportsCenter as their "hockey expert", and I'm beginning to long for the good old days (last week) when they barely acknowledged that the league existed. For his new job, he apparently decided to buy some even LOUDER suits. (Think about that one for a minute.) They've only provided the league with negative publicity as they've already had to "edit" some of Cherry's characteristically off-color commentary. I can only assume no one from ESPN listened to his previous body of work before hiring him, and instead some Bristol bigwig just picked up the phone and screamed: "Operator, get me Canada! [pause] Hello, Canada? Get us that hockey guy that dresses even more like a pimp than Barry Melrose and Stewart Scott combined, and tell him he's hired!"

The last time ESPN did right by hockey was this commercial from 1996, featuring Rob Ray as a security guard.



"NEXT TIME! HAVE SOME! I.D.!"

Even FOX had a good NHL ad (before they screwed the pooch with the glow puck).

RANDOM VIDEO: ESPN AFTER DARK

Why bother watching OT playoff hockey when you have . . . ESPN After Dark?



I looooooooove trick billiards.

2008 MASTERS® PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

It's here: The Masters® tournament is finally here! Yeah, I'm excited.

I have to admit, my brain/this blog has been hockey-centric lately, so I didn't have too much time to whip up an "extravaganza" preview for you. But before the hockey games start I will of course be watching THE MASTERS®, the greatest golf tournament we've got. So let's break it down:

TV SCHEDULE
4/10 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 1st round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/11 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 2nd round (ESPN/ESPN HD)
4/12 - 3:30-7:00 pm: 3rd round (CBS HD)
4/13 - 2:30-7:00 pm: Final round (CBS HD)

Yes, those asshats at ESPN (Endlessly Self-Promoting Network) decided to crash the party and stick their dick in the mashed potatoes by broadcasting the first two rounds this year. (Please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up please god don't screw it up.) The Masters seem to have a lot of control over the broadcasting and marketing of their tournament, so hopefully it will not change too much. If there are scrolling scores on the bottom of the screen, Sportscenter teasers giving me the latest arena football news, and Stuart Freaking Scott on the course wearing a pimp suit--goddammit I'm driving to Bristol and fucking shit up (and kidnapping Dana Jacobson if I have to). Regardless, its placement on ESPN should guarantee the ratings go down.

ONLINE SCHEDULE
Amen Corner Live
Thursday and Friday: 10:45am - 5:45pm ET
Saturday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Sunday: 11:45 - 5:45pm ET
Hole Nos. 15 and 16 (New for 2008)
Thursday and Friday: 11:45 - 6:45pm ET
Saturday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET
Sunday: 12:45 - 6:30pm ET

CBS Sportsline Video - Masters Live (Amen Corner)

DIRECTV SCHEDULE
The best innovation this year is DirecTV assigning 4 separate (SD/HD) channels showing different views of the tournament: the regular broadcast, "Today's Highlights", Amen Corner, Holes 15 & 16. This is very cool, but a mere baby step towards the genius idea I had a few years ago: devoting a separate channel to each hole. That's when I will officially dump cable and switch to DirecTV.

FIRST ROUND TEE TIMES (EDT)
Some interesting pairings:
10:23 a.m. Z. Johnson (2007 winner), L. Donald, G. Ogilvy
10:34 a.m. M. Weir, P. Harrington, J. Singh
10:45 a.m. T. Woods, A. Cabrera, S. Appleby
1:19 p.m. A. Scott, P. Casey, R. Goosen
1:30 p.m. V. Singh, S. Stricker, S. Cink
1:52 p.m. E. Els, S. Katayama, J. Furyk

THE FIELD
The winner will come from the above threesomes I highlighted, specifically the three I would pick would be Woods, Scott and Goosen. (Three I would not pick: Cabrera, Casey and Katayama). If I had to bet, I'd be stupid not to go with Mr. Tiger Woods, who has played ridiculous golf (even for him!) in his last 10 tournaments.

Let's tee it up for THE MASTERS® (registered trademark used with implied oral consent)!

LEADERBOARD

Doc Sports 2008 Masters Odds
Sportbet.com (via Wager.ca) Masters Odds
TIGER WOODS -120
PHIL MICKELSON 850
VIJAY SINGH 1200
ERNIE ELS 1800
GEOFF OLGILVY 2100
PADRAIG HARRINGTON 2400
RETIEF GOOSEN 2600
ADAM SCOTT 2800
JUSTIN ROSE 3400
KJ CHOI 3800
JIM FURYK 3800
LUKE DONALD 4200
STEVE STRICKER 4600
HENRIK STENSON 4600
SERGIO GARCIA 5000
RORY SABBATINI 5800

THE COURSE
Name: Augusta National, Augusta, GA
Par: 36-36-72
Yardage: 7,445

Hole/Name/Par/Yards
1) Tea Olive - Par 4, 455
2) Pink Dogwood - Par 5, 575
3) Flowering Peach - Par 4, 350
4) Flowering Crab Apple - Par 3, 240
5) Magnolia - Par 4, 455
6) Juniper - Par 3, 180
7) Pampas - Par 4, 450
8) Yellow Jasmine - Par 5, 570
9) Carolina Cherry - Par 4, 460
10) Camellia - Par 4, 495
11) White Dogwood - Par 4, 505
12) Golden Bell - Par 3, 155
13) Azalea - Par 5, 510
14) Chinese Fir - Par 4, 440
15) Firethorn - Par 5, 530
16) Redbud - Par 3, 170
17) Nandina - Par 4, 440
18) Holly - Par 4, 465

Hole-by-hole videos
WEATHER FORECAST - AUGUSTA, GA
THU: Mostly sunny, 80. Winds 5 - 8 mph.
FRI: Partly sunny, 83. Wind S 5 - 11 mph.
SAT: Mostly cloudy, 73. 40% chance of showers.
SUN: Partly sunny, 67.

WRIST SHOTS: POINTLESS ENDEAVORS

I have been in favor of eliminating the current NHL point system, as it's gimmicky and rewards mediocrity. The folks over at Slap Shot (The NY Times hockey blog) came up with an interesting idea: they compare the NHL's "deeply flawed guaranteed-point scheme" (N) with the current 3-2-1-0 Euro system (E), and determine where each NHL team would be.

The N.H.L. Standings as They Are, and as They Should Be*

The West is virtually the same (VAN and NSH flip-flop and EDM, who stink in regulation but excel in the shootout, would be rightfully eliminated, shown in italics below). In the East, however, it would be bad news for the Rangers, who are sub-.500 in regulation and would end up down at 8th; the Devils would also drop from 4th to 6th, and be passed by Philthy. What about the Sabres? Still out of it, but alive.

WEST
N: Det 111, SJ 106, Min 95, Ana 98, Dal 93, Col 91, Cgy 90, Van 88 /// Nsh 87, Edm 86, Chi 84, Phx 80, Clm 80, StL 74, LA 69.
E: Det 157, SJ 145, Min 129, Ana 132, Dal 128, Cgy 124, Col 123, Nsh 119 /// Van 117, Chi 113, Clm 109, Phx 108, Edm 107, StL 101, LA 93.
EAST
N: Pit 99, Mtl 98, Car 90, NJ 93, Ott 92, NYR 91, Phi 91, Bos 91 /// Wsh 88, Bfl 86, Tor 82, Fla 81, NYI 76, Atl 72, TB 71.
E: Pit 137, Mtl 132, Car 125, Ott 128, Phi 125, NJ 124, Bos 122, NYR 120 /// Wsh 117, Bfl 115, Tor 110, Fla 108, TB 101, NYI 98, Atl 89.

In the comments section someone inquires what the standings would look like if they used the old W-L-T format (converting all OT/SO to a point for each team) . . . and in that case the Sabres would be in 8th. Woo hoo! Kris summed up their actual playoff scenario: "Buffalo needs to win out and either Boston or Philly must earn zero points in 3 games, or NYR must earn zero point in four games AND Washington needs to get no more than 2 points over 3 games." Simple! If that happens I will eat my CCM hockey helmet and buy everyone that reads this blog a lavish dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (drinks not included).

I just heard that NBC's Game of The Week (which I tried to live blog yesterday, but lost interest and watched the entertaining and nicely crafted Assassination Of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford instead) has featured either the Rangers or the Penguins 7 times out of 10. So it's not my imagination, it's been excessive. Next week, they promise Chicago at Detroit, though by that time the Blackhawks might be out of it. Personally, I'm sick of CROSBY-CAM and I think it's time for LUCIC-CAM!

At least I can fall back on VERSUS who always mixes it up and shows different teams. For instance tonight they're showing . . . PENS AT RANGERS? Oh sweet Jebus.

By the way, I noticed that every teams' site has been converted to "teamname.nhl.com" as of this season. That's asinine, as I would rather type "bruins.com" or "sabres.com" to get where I want. This is akin to that "espn.go.com" nonsense--where the fuck did the Go Network go anyway? And why don't they just change it to "espn.com"? Yeah, I know they sometimes get re-directed but that's stupid and just makes more work for everyone. Bettman sucks.

Out West, I am officially afraid of Sharks. I pick them every year to represent the Campbell Conference in the finals, and every year they find some way to blow it. This is the year . . . they do the same thing. My theory is that as late spring temperatures heat up in the Valley, the ice gets slower and bogs down the once high flying team--either that or Nabokov and Marleau actually suck.

He may have reluctantly been forced into captaincy, but Jagr appears to be doing the opposite of what one would expect of a team captain. His reluctantance to participate in the skills competition has been well-publicized, as has his ineffectiveness (0 for 5 this season). However, this week he announced that he's talking about playing in Russia next year, a declaration which is ill-timed at best considering the Rangers are about to begin a playoff campaign. Anyway, I feel for the guy because if you take a shit in this city, everyone in the sports media is up your ass. I think he's the greatest but my dad says he doesn't skate very hard, except during the playoffs.

THE HELL I DON'T!


(I had to post this, because as lesser Zucker movies keep coming out, it makes me love this movie even more.)

My recent postings questioned the definition of a "choke-job". I think it can be defined as winning the President's Cup one year and missing the playoffs the next (which you can't blame on losing 2 free agents and/or injuries), like the 1995-96 Devils did after winning the Cup. Also, leading 3-1 at home going into the 3rd period versus the Sens, when you're 4 points out of a playoff spot . . . if you end up losing 6-3, that's a choke-job.

My interest in the NCAA basketball tournament died on Friday night when I realized all #1 seeds were going to sweep. So let's check out the FROZEN FOUR:

Michigan, Notre Dame, Boston College, North Dakota.

I don't know about you, but my brackets are toast since (I had UNH and Minny). The NY state teams are gone, and I guess UNH was not as good as I thought they were; they got a #1 seed despite a 3 OT loss in the Hockey East finals to BC, which should have told me something. After my Mass rant I can't really root for BC, who got to the finals thanks to two home games (in Worcester), so I'm just going to root for some good hockey. The semis (Mich/ND 6 PM, BC/UND 9 PM) are Thurs 4/10, and the final is on Sat 4/12 (7 PM).

(Yeah, I know it's MLB Opening Day and I'm blogging about college hockey. That's how much I care about it.)

T.I.H.: ESPN AND XM, A MARRIAGE MADE IN HELL

I guess this was bound to happen, but after a year of subscribing to XM satellite radio I find myself only listening to about a dozen channels (Ethel, Lucy, Fred, Squizz, Loft, SBUX Cafe, Chill, XMU, Verge, Home Ice, Opie & Anthony . . . I ran out of steam there). The worst part about XM seems to be the talk shows. I still don't see the allure of listening to the audio from CNN, CNBC or E!. The live broadcasts of golf and NHL games is nice to have (as is the scoreboard), but I have absolutely no interest in listening to any of the sports talk radio.

So maybe this less of a rant and more of a warning to XM Radio subscribers. I just heard a commercial for a new channel to be added February 4th called "ESPN Xtra" (Channel 141). From the press release:

"The ESPN Xtra channel will also air content produced by ESPN exclusively for XM throughout the year, live coverage of events ranging from the X Games to the ESPY Awards, and ESPN columnist Bill Simmons' popular podcast from ESPN.com."

Wow, that really covers the whole spectrum of sports. Live coverage of the ESPY awards in my car! Imagine how great the BEST PLAY nominees will sound. "Did you hear that goal by Rick Nash?" "Dude, listen to that snowboard!" Will we also be able to hear a bunch of nobodies play poker too? The possibilities are endless.

Wait a sec:"Bill Simmons' popular podcast". Popular? Really?

"Bill Simmons, a.k.a. "The Sports Guy," is a columnist for ESPN.com's "Page 2" and ESPN The Magazine. The New England native, renowned for his passion for Boston sports teams, will be heard Fridays at 3 p.m. and at 10 p.m. ET when ESPN Xtra airs his popular 40-minute podcast from ESPN.com."

Okay, okay, it must be popular, since you said it twice. I don't know a single person who has ever listened to this podcast, but if you (the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports) say so, how can I argue? So does the Boston Sports Guy have J-Bug and Hench talking about the Pats and the Sawx on there too? God, I hope so.

ESPN sucks.

BETTMAN SUCKS: NATIONAL HOCKEY LAMPOON'S (SURPRISE) EUROPEAN VACATION

During the All-Star Weekend, Gary "Fucking Twunt" Bettman announced the NHL would kick off the 2008-2009 season with several games in Europe. As part of this tour, the Rangers/Lightning would play 2 games in the Czech Republic (two minutes for cross-Czeching - GET IT?), and the Pens/Sens would similarly faceoff in Stockholm, Sweden. Additionally, he said the Rangers will play 2007 Russian Superleague champion Metallurg Magnitogorsk in the inaugural "Victoria Cup", created by the IIHF to pit an NHL team against the European club champion.

However, Bettman overstepped his authority here, as he failed to mention that the NHLPA has not approved these games. As a result, players' union boss Paul Kelly is not pleased and said that a lot of details have yet to be worked out, especially with the IIHF, with whom the NHL is having player transfer issues. Oops. Bettman also promised that ABBA would be getting back together and playing a concert during the games in Sweden, although he hasn't actually talked to the band members yet.

In other words, Bettman sucks.

Regardless, I seriously don't know what the NHL is trying to do, besides suck as much money as they can out of hockey fans without actually improving the sport. If these games are going to count, aren't you also taking away games from season ticket holders in the process? Why don't they work on getting the average US sports fan to give a crap about the NHL, instead of outsourcing it to Europe? And as much as I like ESPN getting the shaft whenever and wherever possible, the NHL signing an extension with Versus through 2011 isn't going to exactly increase their visibility in the States.

Thanks to Barry Melrose Rocks for the photo.

DANA JACOBSON, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Dana Jacobson is an ESPN anchor (or so they tell me, I don't watch the channel enough to have seen her) who recently got into a bit of trouble. Allegedly, she got rip-roaring drunk at something called "The Mike & Mike in the Morning Celebrity Roast" (some self-congratulatory piece of shit ESPN function), got up on stage and dropped some F-bombs. She said something to the effect of "Fuck Notre Dame, fuck Touchdown Jesus, fuck Jesus". This apparently "embarrassed" ESPN (as if their horrendous programming isn't doing that job already) and forced them to give her a week's vacation.

(Before anyone gets outraged about these out of context remarks, remember that this is a roast, so there's bound to be some off-color remarks made. And even if she said this to Jesus' face, I believe he would forgive her. So basically, you bunch of overly sensitive PC pussies, get a fucking sense of humor.)

Anyway, this is what I know about her:

1) She's 36 and single
2) She's a sports fan
3) She's tall (reports have her as being anywhere from 5'9" to 6')
4) She loves Belvedere vodka
5) She hates Notre Dame
6) She can't endure worthless banter surrounding two completely uninteresting sports radio hosts while sober

What's not to like about this woman? I'm trying to find a fault and I really can't, except for her employer (but who am I to talk?). Some internet trolls have declared her "unattractive", but I can only assume they are all capable of dating supermodels when they're not commenting on Deadspin and downloading hentai porn.

What I'm trying to say is . . . Dana, will you marry me?

(Feel free to leave your answer in the comments.)

UPDATE: Baseball Musings found this fantastic picture. How can you beat that?