We've made it quite clear in the past they we kinda hate marketers. However, there is a form of life that falls below a marketing agent and that would be a consultant in marketing! Anyway, I don't know anything about Ms. Corlett or WSL Strategic Retail, but I do know that this quote from a NY Times story about deflation in consumer clothing perfectly epitomizes the "if you're in marketing go kill yourself" tag.
During a survey of shoppers in November, 60 percent of the respondents said they had recently begun to stop and reconsider clothing purchases before buying. “To me, that is the scariest thing for retail going forward, because that is a new habit,” Ms. Corlett said.
Selling the NHL has been a tricky business. They seem to use two approaches when creating NHL commercials: dead serious with an emphasis on tradition, and incredibly silly. Personally, I tend to prefer the latter, like the ones shown in this montage.
"Swedish twins? I thought that was just a myth!"
The GAME ON! commercials from 2005 declaring the NHL's return from the lockout were also very funny, like this one from that campaign featuring Marty Turco.
And why don't they make some more like NHL ROAD TRIP? That was the last decent hockey commercial anyone has ever made.
However, the NHL and VERSUS seemingly has lost its sense of humor this time around. Though I was literally laughing out loud at one of the latest VERSUS commercials for the Pens/Lyers series last night, it was for a different reason. It was basically a loving B/W* montage of HOCKEY JESUS and a freeze frame that read "Sidney Crosby" for extra emphasis (as if we didn't already know). They then showed a bunch of shots of those nobodies over in Philly, whatever who cares, TUNE IN TO SEE SIDNEY PLAY SOME OTHER TEAM IN GAME 3 TONIGHT! Yes, the ratings on VERSUS have been on the upswing, and I realize that Sid is a big part of the selling of the league but that's ridiculous. And those high ratings, the best for the network since they began showing the NHL 3 years ago, have everything to do with two cities (Philly and Pittsburgh) that have firmly entrenched hockey fan bases and little to do with marketing.
(*Why do the latest batch of VERSUS commericals use that "black and white" gimmick? I feel like I'm watching a 1947 newsreel before the latest "talkie" begins. How about you use some HIGH DEFINITION FOOTAGE? There might be some of it laying around somewhere.) Meanwhile, ESPN is doing its part to undermine the appeal of the NHL by featuring Don Cherry on SportsCenter as their "hockey expert", and I'm beginning to long for the good old days (last week) when they barely acknowledged that the league existed. For his new job, he apparently decided to buy some even LOUDER suits. (Think about that one for a minute.)They've only provided the league with negative publicity as they've already had to "edit" some of Cherry's characteristically off-color commentary. I can only assume no one from ESPN listened to his previous body of work before hiring him, and instead some Bristol bigwig just picked up the phone and screamed: "Operator, get me Canada! [pause] Hello, Canada? Get us that hockey guy that dresses even more like a pimp than Barry Melrose and Stewart Scott combined, and tell him he's hired!"
Frequently when advertisers make commercials they use statistics to prove something or other. However, TotalElfFina has outdone themselves:
The latest version of this Total Excellium ad (I did not upload this or write the subtitles) that has been running in France has the greatest advertising stat that I have ever seen (without exaggeration).
At the very end, they run a text line that says: "Over 4-million consumers estimate that they get better mileage when they use Total Excellium."
THAT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. You just spent 30% more for fucking gas that has been "reformulated" and we're now asking if you think you made a rational choice. Despite being constantly accosted by this type of ad, Julie continues to accuse me of being too cynical. How can you not be cynical; about advertising, but worse about the humans that swallow this merde. It must work, if a huge multinational like Total is spending money to "get the word out."
I caught this ad on some various website and just thought I'd make you all aware of it. Apparently, Washington Mutual Bank has trademarked the exclamation "Whoo hoo!™" Next time you blurt out this celebratory utterance, WaMu is going to send you a bill for an "administrative fee" for its usage, equal to or greater than the cost of the use of one of their ATMs. What about when that Blur song comes on after a goal during a hockey game? Yes, all 20,000 fans PLUS those "whoo-hooing" along at home will owe the bank money. In fact, Homer Simpson officially owes the bank about $452,000, retroactive to 1989. WaMu offers WaMu Free Checking™ (whoo hoo!™ not included).
How anyone can claim the rights to "Whoo hoo!™" is beyond me. This is akin to Monster Cable claiming they own the the word "monster" and trying to sue other companies who use it from Monster.com, Monster Garage, the "Monster Seats" at Fenway, and Pixar's Monsters, Inc. Even the Monsters of the Midway, the Chicago Bears, are not immune, even though they predate the aforementioned maker of the most unnecessarily expensive electronics accessories on the planet by about 100 years. Who are they kidding?
To this I say, F-Yu WaMu!
(One other question: what does it mean to "pre-shop"? I saw this on a sale flyer for a furniture store, wherein a salesperson invites you to do so before speaking with them. I'm going to use this line next time some commission-jonesing worker accosts me in a store: "No, I'm not shopping for a new bed, I'm only PRE-shopping. I will contact you at the exact moment I officially switch to 'shop' mode.")
UPDATE: I have a way around this trademark: make sure you always say/type "WOO HOO!" and not "Whoo hoo!™" That should hold up in court.
There are many ways to sell life insurance: Guilt, fear...ummm, guilt and fear. Ok maybe there aren't a ton of ways to sell life insurance, but one way NOT to sell life insurance is humor:
I mean seriously, who wrote this shit copy? At least the standard, "what-would-your-beautiful-wife-and-2.5-kids-do-if-you-disappeared-in-a-puff-of-smoke" makes people realize that they need to protect their family; even if it's exploitive, but this is just fucking dumb.
SABMillerCoors (or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves these days) hit the trifecta this morning. Someone bought an old repro porcelain sign of the "Girl on the Moon" from my store, I some how got tricked into watching that "cat fight" ad again and a banner ad for "Miller Lite: The Ultimate Beer" was displayed on CBS Sportsline (which, per Jeff, will not be linked here).
It got me thinking about a couple of things: 1. Is Miller Lite ever the right choice? 2. What happened to the classy advertising of beer like The Girl on the Moon? 3. Who the fuck would buy a beer with corn syrup in it?
The answer is "Not Me," but that's beside the point. Here's a "Champagne of Beers" commercial from what (I guess) is from the mid-50s. I'm not sure what's more disturbing, how absolutely whipped our fathers (or grandfathers for some of us) were, the fact people thought Miller High Life was acceptable to serve with a "fancy" dinner, or Harry telling his beer that he'd be right back.
The funny thing about all this is that I don't have a overwhelmingly negative image of Miller High Life (Miller Lite, yes; Ultra, yes). If I was in a bar and it was Bud, Coors or High Life, I'd be a Miller Man for one day. Hoo-ray Marketing!
[Update: After checking out Ratebeer (2nd percentile) and Beeradvocate (C), I may just stick with tap water if I was in a bar that had Bud, Coors and Miller High Life]
I must confess: I watched NBC (The Office) last night instead of NBH (nothing but hockey). So you can say I was Off-ice as well as on-ice!
(Insert laugh track here.)
I did find some time to see some of the MASTERS, the two VERSUS games (in SD--ugh) and the FROZEN FOUR. In the latter, BC curb-stomped North Dakota Fighting Sioux, 6-0. In the late game, Michigan scored a late goal to force OT against #4 seed Notre Dame, but the Cinderella Fighting Irish knocked off the #1 Wolverines 5:44 into the extra period. (All these "fighting" names are ironic, since there's really no fighting in college hockey.) This is their first trip to the finals, setting up an all Catholic school matchup that only God picked correctly. (You should see that guy's bracket, it's insane.) Get ready for the HOLY WAR ON ICE!
I feel sorry for hockey commentators like Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro and Barry "Mullet" Melrose that still work for ESPN, as they give them very little work to do. One other thing: who chose the blue and yellow boards for the FROZEN FOUR? The same color-challenged freaks that made the blue turf for Boise State? Egads, that's horrible. (Thankfully, ESPN did not screw up the Masters tournament, it was the exact same broadcast as CBS, just on another channel. Whew.)
Now, some quick NHL comments.
Game 1 - Ducks 0, Stars 4. The Ducks took about 34 penalties in this one, playing "stupid" instead of "tough", like Chris Pronger during pretty much all of his waking hours. Not so tough now, are you? Kris made me think about this, and I came to the conclusion: I don't really hate the Stars. Of course, I hate the fact that they're in Texas, but that's on their ownership for moving from Minnesota. I even like Mike Modano and his groin-grabbingly hot wife, but I've just never had a reason to root for them. I also thought their 1999 Cup win was horseshit, thanks to Brett Hull and Bettman's "foot in the crease rule" blunder. But I'm rooting for them hard in this series.
Game 1 - Preds 1, Detroit 3. We have our first octopus sighting! Boy, is that a disgusting tradition. The Nashville Pussies fought hard in this one, violating Hasek's five-hole late in the 2nd to tie it 1-1. But Detroit was nice enough to score the go-ahead goal during a break in the uncomfortably hysterical (uncomforsterical?) "Dinner Party" episode of The Office and added an EN late. It was a workmanlike win, and while they should have no problem getting by the Preds, I wonder what the big deal is about this team--they simply don't impress me. Hasek is still solid but no longer "The Dominator", so what should we call him? The "Workenator"? The "Sufficienator"? The "Decentator"? (Yeah, I realize his nickname plays off his first name, but that's all I could think of.)
VERSUS has Manny Legace in the studio during the breaks for the playoffs, since there's fuck-all to do in St. Louis right now. He's an affable guy, but he's got no broadcast skills whatsoever; he just rambles seemingly without a script while the other guys nod and politely smile (I thought Engblom's cheeks were going to explode). Did they even hold an audition for this? Oh right, it's VERSUS, so I'm going with a big fat 'no'.
**COMMERCIAL BREAK**
I realize that Budweiser and its ilk only exist to be someone's "first beer", to initiate the weak into the world of alcoholism, and/or someone's 1st through 45th watered-down, non-offensive brew for a night of binge drinking. In order to keep you slugging their swill, or to get the ball rolling on underage drinking earlier, they need to invent new ways to sell you the same thing over and over. In an intense brainstorm session, someone must have mentioned the propensity of Corona drinkers to place an actual lime wedge in their beers to mask the pissy taste, and came up with the groundbreaking idea to put lime flavoring into Bud Light. (How much do they spend on R&D each year, $19.99?) But that's only the beginning. How can you sell such a ho-hum whogivesashit product to the masses? Here's where I have to tip my hat to the marketing geniuses at A-B. First of all, they came up with the name BL LIME. You see, it's Bud Light, only with lime in it, hence the moniker "BL LIME". If that wasn't enough, the commercials hype it as if it's a huge event, with the teaser "COMING MAY 2008". What they're saying is that you are NOT READY for this, so they're going to slow things down before unleashing such an exciting and borderline controversial product to the beer buying public. Let me reiterate: they took ordinary Bud Light and added lime to it, but if you see the ads you'd think they'd just cured cancer. (Seriously, their marketing is sheer brilliance/evil. And I want to cockpunch the first guy I hear ordering a "BL LIME" this summer.)
Back to the games (that I didn't see).
Game 2 - Flames 0, Sharks 2. The (not Land) Sharks outshot the Flames 27-3 in the 2nd. 27 SHOTS to 3. Are you kidding? The Flames committed 7 penalties, but somehow only gave up two goals (1 PP) during that period. Hey, I guess it could have been worse. I think SJ might be back on track.
Game 1 - Bruins 1, Habs 4. Le but! Victoire pour le Habs! Sacre bleu! French phrases! Loud noises! Sergei and Andrei each scored in the first 2:02 of this one, putting the "tits" in Kostitsyn. Speaking of, I hope to find some quality strippers while I'm up in Montreal next month, any suggestions?
I also watched a bit of There's Something About Mary last night (somehow, there's still an "official site" up on the web), possibly the funniest movie of the 90s. When Mary (Cameron Diaz) said to Ted (Ben Stiller), "Wanna come inside and watch Sportscenter?", at the time that was considered to be an incredibly cool line for a chick to say. However, 10 years later all I could think was, "Man, she's a complete moron. I guess she's not a hockey fan."
This is one of those serial postings that will last until about Tuesday of next week before it's forgotten about, but I'm going to try to embed videos from time-to-time that follow Open Hockey's core beliefs of sarcasm, sports and hate.
I know that I should probably hate viral advertising videos because they're just that...advertising. But I don't care. This "HARDBALL MADE EASY" with Ron Stilanovich series is really well done, even if it's selling Easton bats.
According to the latest OH BLOG poll results, our readers love the broads (1st place with 30%) but could use some more hate (2nd place with 23%). What better person to deliver it than the late, great Bill Hicks. I'd like to think that he embodies everything that we believe here at Open Hockey (from the Eye-Opener Family of Hate Blogs): we hate because we care. (Or something like that.) Even though he died in 1994, the social and political targets he attacks with his intense, vitriolic comedy style are just as applicable today.
Obviously, these clips are (Not Safe For Fucking Work).
Here's a clip of him talking about how he wants his rock stars dead instead of clean cut and mediocre.
This is his classic rant about marketing. "I know what all the marketing people are saying: 'He's going for that anti-marketing dollar, that's a good market.'"
In one of his last interviews (late 1993), he talks about being cut from "Late Show with David Letterman". "[My 'pro-life' material was considered] not suitable for the David Letterman audience. But when I'm not ON the show, I'm a member of the Letterman audience. So therefore, my material is not suitable FOR ME. What a predicament."
I'm pretty sure I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I was absolutely livid about something earlier today that I seem to have forgotten...Yep, I'm going to have a heart attack at 40...I can feel it coming...Let's hope it's minor and it will allow to change my life, maybe I'll "discover" God, worthless bastard that he is...Oh come on, does that shock you, with all the vile shit that we spew on here, that I would go after the big guy? Oh course if he does exist, I basically just guaranteed that my pending heart attack will not be minor...oh well I'm far enough to the atheist side of agnostic not to worry too much about it.
Right...so I hate marketing and marketers. The new "in" phrase in France is: "Increase your purchasing power." It started maybe 6 months or a year ago, with one store talking about your pouvoir d'achat...It's probably all Sarkozy's fault. Anyway, I am not an economist in the least bit, but this bugs the living shit out of me...Purchasing power isn't something that "increases" because the supermarket decreases the price of toilet paper...Purchasing power is (for me at least, a non economist) a measure of your ability to buy all the things that you need in a given time...Reducing the price of a plasma screen actually decreases your purchasing power because you can now buy less bread because you just took out a 4-year loan on a 52" Sony. There's this little thing called inflation, and unless you're getting really nice wage increases at work, your purchasing power is damn lucky to hold even. I hate marketers for confirming my deepest cynicism about people, 'cause let's face it; if more and more places are using it now in France it must work.
Movies suck...As you may know, I expected so much more from "No Country for Old Men." But, whatever...So now that Danny Lewis has won his very own bronze plated statuette, I figured I would watch this epic film of love and loss and whatever the fuck happened in California in the early part of the 20th century. Yeah well...Fuck Hollywood right in their Hugo Boss pants. I swear, they couldn't write a movie that I didn't hate if they had to (yes, motherfuckers, that is a challenge). It's not that "There Will Be Blood" is bad...it's just that it's...just...so...I don't know...ordinary? Without DDL this thing is standard Hollywood crap...with DDL...well it's standard Hollywood crap with an exceptional lead actor. I have a question: How come if I cut and paste a book and then throw my name onto it, it's call "plagiarism" but when they do it in Hollywood it's call "Best Adapted Screenplay." Fuck them all.
On a high note, I'm almost done with the written-word version of "No Country for Old Men." For their benefit, the Coens' did do a very good job at keeping movie close to the book, but the book is just so much better...The conversation seems more "real" in the book whereas in the movie it's just actors talking like that...I guess it's because, even though I see the movie characters when I read the book, it's not the movie characters who speak in my head...It's the book. It's hard to explain, but I guess I'm concluding that I really just prefer to read.
And that brings me to my final point: We tend to spew an awful lot of vitriol hate on this blog, but when something goes well, it deserves to be pointed out. I recently ordered the aforementioned "No Country for Old Men" (as well as the excellent "Our Dumb World" from The Onion) from Amazon UK because I was avoiding Amazon FR due to their legal problems with the French government (in retrospect, I obviously should have ordered from Amazon FR to tell the French to shove it up Carla Bruni's anorexic ass...oh well). The order was supposed to arrive a week later...which it didn't do. I contacted Amazon customer service and they told me that they would take responsibility for any delivery issues, but to wait a few more days to see if the French Poste could figure it out...they couldn't and I recontacted Amazon...Even before customer service recontacted me, I got a shipping confirmation from the automated webthingy saying my order had been shipped with no charges. Then I got an email from them with this line:
If the original package should arrive afterwards, please keep the items with our compliments, as the cost of return of the package is prohibitively expensive in this case. Perhaps you would like to donate it to a charity in your area if you feel it would be appropriate to do so.
Sure, this is probably standard practice, but it surprised the hell out of me. I assume/hope that Amazon FR would do the same thing - it's the same group - and this completely convinces me that Amazon is where I'm going to be buying my books in Europe for a long time.
I still haven't received the original package (I doubt I will, I'm pretty sure some son of a French postman just got new books for English class), but if I do, rest assured I'll do the right thing and put them on eBay immediately, or not. I'd probably just donate them to the American association here.
I tuned into the Academy Awards show for 5 minutes after "The Wire" was over, and apparently the French have taken over: Ratatouille and some French actress (who portrayed Edith Piaf) won?! Absurd, and I won't stand for it. Actually, I don't give a shit, I would have turned it off anyway. I know the Coen Brothers and Danny-Day are going to win anyway. Yawn.
I used to watch the Oscars every year and even attended parties, but now I'm really no longer interested. In fact, for the first time in many years I haven't even seen any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. The only nominated movies that I've seen were Into the Wild (which I despised, and which also reminds me of a bad date I went on), and Ratatouille. (I saw the latter with my nieces a few weeks ago, but only because I bought the DVD for them for Christmas. It's a shame that they introduced the Best Animated Film category so it didn't get nominated for Best Picture. Yes, I'm serious.) Regardless, I officially don't give a Pixar-animated rat's ass who wins what golden, glorified personality contest trophy. I just heard about how the Hollywood writers' were getting the shaft, now I have to watch these same guys patting each other on the backs? Forget it. Oh, and fuck James Mangold.
Maybe I'm just getting more jaded in my old age (d'ya think?) but I find very few movies that are worth my $10.50 (and rising). I tried to go see a matinee of No Country for Old Men the other morning only to find that it had only one showing at 4 PM; however, I could go to any one of 12 showings of the new Larry the Cable Guy "offering" instead. This is the problem with the current movie landscape: the divide between genres has never been greater, as it seems like there are either "Oscar" movies or "escapism" (action/comedy/kids) movies, the latter financing the former. Blame it on Lucas/Spielberg and the rise of the blockbuster, but things like "marketing", "focus groups" and "financial viability" have more to do with what gets greenlighted and shoveled into multiplexes than actual creative decisions made by the studios.
Why is it that the quality movies don't get showcased as robustly as the mass-market ones? For every No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood trailer I've seen, I've had to endure about 100 various ads for Jumper and Transformers, and I don't think I've seen trailers for the other 3 nominated movies more than once or twice. The main problem is that movies that make a lot of money don't win Oscars, possibly because of snobbish voter backlash ("if so many people enjoy it, there's no way it can be good"). Usually, only 1 out of the top 10 is even considered worthy for best picture; this year, that number was zero. In fact, the only #1 top grossing films to win the Best Picture award in the past 20 years were Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003), Titanic (1997), Forrest Gump (1994), and Rain Man (1988). (Okay, I'll cut Spielberg a break: in 1998, Saving Private Ryan got screwed by Shakespeare in Love. But fuck Lucas, who long ago stopped directing movies and decided to just sit back and cash the checks.)
So when was the last time all 5 nominees were also among the Top 10 grossing films? 1970, just before the blockbuster era was ushered in, and Spielberg's Jaws and Lucas' Star Wars were just mere gleams in their directors' eyes. Why am I mentioning this? I don't know. I just wanted to say that there will be no Oscars show for me, I'm too old to care.
First, they worked with renowned Belgish animator Guionne Leroy (from Chicken Run and The Toy Story fame):
Then, they hired that crazy ambiguously strange couple, Wallace and Gromit:
And finally...O.F.F. makes their appearance in a Renault Kangoo commericial:
I couldn't find one with English subs, but it's not really hard to figure out what they're saying...and yes, that's what The Simpsons sound like in French.
This is bound to be a frequent subject...hell, our blog subtitle basically requires that we hate people, but, despite my extreme cynicism (to the MAXXXX), I am still astonished by the idiocy of people on a fairly regular basis. I just don't understand how people can be so fucking stupid, time and again. I'm probably overly judgmental of people, but so what...that's my right.
Anyway, today's people-hater column is about the "environmental" wienies who eat organic food because it's "better" for them. Let me give a little background. My family is quite a bit to the left of the run-of-the-mill leftists. They are not communists, but probably socialist. They are very aware of the impact that their lives have on the earth. They are, in this vein, very environmentally conscious. I am significantly less so, but I take a lot of my environmental awareness from them. Like for example, just buying organic for organic's sake can be stupid. Did you know that in Peru they are clear-cutting old growth rain forest to plant "organic" coffee plants because the FDA's rules state that you have to prove five years of non-utilization of pesticides for an organic label...However, if it's virgin land, there's no such requirement. So these environmental yuppies are actually doing worse for the world because they insist that their beans be marked "Organic". I know a bunch of people like this, and it bugs me, a lot...It's like the Apple fanboys or someone who will only drive BMWs, they think they're better...IT'S ALL ABOUT MARKETING, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.
Anyway, the NY Times has an article about organic vs fairtrade vs local-grown flowers. The line that pushed me to rant: "Why would [organic flowers] matter? We’re not eating them." I fucking hate people. I fucking hate people. I lost my copy of the study that proved beyond a reasonable doubt that organic was "better" for you. I'll buy organic if it's not that much more expensive, but I'm not convinced that's it's 200% better for me than non-organic foods. If I buy organic it's because I prefer that my consumption has a minimal impact on the world, not for some selfish asinine reason that has been drummed into my head by green marketeers. (I'm plenty selfish on other fronts, lest you worry).
I heard a story on the radio today about Greenpeace taking it to the [French] auto manufacturers because of the greenwashing of their vehicles. They are selling the same cars with the same motors that they sold 5 years ago, but now these cars are "green" and they're saving the world and they're "stopping global warming" (which is the environmental cause du jour, nothing more, nothing less IMHO). Greenpeace wants them to make actual strides for environmental cleanliness. And here I part ways with Greenpeace. While I have environmental sensibilities, I also think that the free market is a wonderful thing. I hate people who buy big H2-like SUVs, but if there's a market for it, then the auto makers should make them. I would like to see the market disappear, but how where the fuck does Greenpeace get off saying that a public company, like GM (or whomever), should be forced to stop making a profitable vehicle. My weakness is high-powered station wagons (necessary specs). Some of these people want a world to exist where no vehicle has over 100hp...Fuck that.
Enjoy your whale meat. (yes, I know it's Sea Shepherd Conversation Society members who were being held on the Japanese whaling ship, but this cracks me up to no end). I don't like whaling, but I find it delightfully ironic that they the Japanese whalers offered to feed the protesters whale meat.
10. It's been a while since we've seen a cheerleader up here, so allow me to present a (San Diego) Charger Girl wearing a hot-as-hell Halloween costume. Thanks Pro Cheerleader Blog!
BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed that Katie, the member of the Jills I featured who tried to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots, apparently DID NOT manage to hit it very far. Take it from me: get spikes on those boots. I forgot my golf shoes the last time I played, and it sucked playing in sneakers.
9. The KFC Family Meal has been around for years, and I thought it used to feature 10 pieces of chicken and maybe some biscuits and mashed potatoes. However, it now appears that this artery-destroying caloric monstrosity also includes cole slaw, soda, chips and a chocolate cake. That's right. It's as if they sat in a boardroom and said, "Yes, our customers are fat, but they could get fatter. What else could we possibly add to make this meal deal even more harmful for their health?" "Fuck it, throw in a cake."
8. The news is dire out of Southern California: Hollywood movie and television writers are threatening to go on strike in a dispute over DVD royalties. So this means such entertainment gems such as "Saw IV", "According To Jim" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" will all but disappear? Whatever will we watch? There are only 2,304,985,932 movies/TV shows that I could choose to watch instead! How will we survive? I haven't felt this much panic since I heard that Broadway stagehands, who make an average of $115,000 annually, might go on strike, leaving such literary and cultural institutions such as "Mamma Mia" twisting in the wind.
I have just three words: FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD. You're completely unnecessary. And you can print that, and pay me to option it into a movie.
7. Is there such a thing as natural fiber dental floss? I hate throwing away a foot-long strand of non-biodegrading PTFE every time a bit of food gets stuck in between my teeth This sounds like a simple product to make all-natural (wax and twine--actually, that sounds like it would hurt a lot when I put it like that).
6. Last night, we went to the River Palm Terrace in Mahwah, NJ for ALL STEAKS DAY and it managed to live up to the hype that Rob bestowed upon it. Every last milligram of meat that made up my filet mignon was fantastic. Although I'm a little woozy today because I hit the 'trifecta': vodka, wine, beer. Or more accurately, the trifecta hit me.
5. Weird pair spotted on late night TV: Ron Paul and Sex Pistols. Mr. Paul and Mr. Rotten are basically the same age, and have an equal chance of becoming President, so it's not that much of a stretch. Still, it was bizarre to hear Johnny Rotten giving a shout-out to him during "Anarchy in the UK", a song which may have had some impact 30 years ago but has now been rendered utterly meaningless due to the fact it was performed on "The Tonight Show". Oh, and I'd rather have a chimp interview Ron Paul, as Leno is a fucking dunce.
5. This whole "Stephen Colbert for President" thing has yielded some funny jokes, but it's also a little scary since a surprising number claim that they'd actually vote for him. As it turns out, after choosing the Democratic Party due to its cheaper "ballot filing fee" ($2,500 vs. $35,000 for the Reps), he has been denied requests to be placed on the Sout Carolina primary ballot.
Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick. Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.
4. Speaking of not needing writers, The Amazing Race returns for a 12th season on Sunday night, thanks to the cancellation of "musical dramady" Viva Laughlin. All you need to know about that show is this: "It occasionally has the actors break into contemporary song." Sweet jebus, it's Cop Rock in a casino. Anyway, TAR is the only "unscripted" "reality" show I can watch and I'm looking forward to TARXII. More on that later.
3. Here's your NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Indianapolis is 7-0, winners of 12 in a row dating back to last year (including BIG GAME 41), and they're GETTING 4½ points at home. Undefeated home dome underdog? We're pretty sure that's never happened in the history of the NFL. The Patriots have been dickishly running up the score on everyone, but the juggernaut gets temporarily derailed this week as Peyton has a perfect turnover-free day and they win by 10. (Seriously, with the SAWKS winning the World Series, the Celts getting KG, BC being the #2 team in NCAA football, and the Bruins actually playing competitive hockey, Boston sports fans need to be knocked down a peg.)
While the Colts are good, this "Quest For The Ring" shit is awful. Jim Irsay looks like a gay Willy Wonka.
2. Even though the Giants managed to win against the lowly Dolphins, that game at Wembley was completely horrible--LONDON BORING. Also, couldn't FOX find any songs by British atrists recorded after 1983? All they could find was bands like The Clash, The Jam, Madness and The Police (I may have heard Oasis, but since they're musically stuck in 1967, they don't count). What about Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Fatboy Slim, Gorillaz, or Bloc Party? Even the Spice Girls would have been more timely. It was like the British version of Tuney McOldsong.
1. If you haven't seen this game-winning, last-second 68 yard play, featuring 15 laterals and a lot of defensive players standing around befuddled, here's your chance to see it from the end zone view. The aftermath: Trinity University (TX) beat Millsaps College 28-24 in this Division III matchup, keeping them alive a conference title.
On March 13, 1955, Richard was given a match penalty for intentionally injuring Hal Laycoe, after he had been deliberatally struck in the head with a hockey stick by the player, in a game against the Boston Bruins. Laycoe had highsticked Richard in the head during a Montreal power play. The referee signalled for a penalty to be called, but play was allowed to continue because the Canadiens had possession of the puck. Richard indicated to the referee that he'd been injured, and then skated up to Laycoe -- who had dropped his stick and gloves preparatory to a fight -- and struck Laycoe in the face and shoulders with his stick. The linesmen attempted to restrain Richard, who repeatedly broke away from them to attack Laycoe, even breaking his stick over his back. Moments passed and linesman Cliff Thompson restrained Richard by holding both his arms in a lock. Richard broke loose and punched Thompson twice in the face, knocking him unconscious. Richard later said at a league hearing that he thought Thompson was one of Boston's players.
Clarence Campbell, the then-league President, suspended Richard for the remainder of the season and the playoffs, arguably costing the Habs the Stanley Cup (they lost in 7 games to those evil Wings). But it's not the best player in the league busting his stick over his opponents back and knocking out the linesman that brings us here today. It's the aftermath that really counts.
Abate is a type of pear, abattre in French means "to slaughter"
Now all hell breaks loose in Montreal as the fans run amok. Breaking shit, rioting and whatnot. As far as we can tell, Campbell was not strung up and Montreal wasn't burnt to the ground (though an estimated $500K in damage was done). But some historians note this moment as the real beginning of the Quebec nationalism movement - French-Canadians citizens supporting a French-Canadian player against English-Canadian persecution.
But the question is: In 1955, these Habs fans had the balls to attack the Dictator-in-charge over what was probably the correct decision, but in 2007 we are living under marketing guy who doesn't know dick about the sport, has sold everything holy to RBK for a couple of magic beans, refuses to play nice with any main-stream press, and has decided that if there isn't a franchise in every major city (Africa included) by 2010, the NHL will not have attained it optimum market-reach. Why has no one attacked Gary Bettman with a hand gre...umm, a tear gas grenade? Why hasn't anyone thrown eggs at him? What the fuck people? It's time to get serious here...At least the US government changes ever few years and we aren't stuck with any one president for more than 8 years. Bettman's either gotta be kicked out, or he'll ride the league straight to hell.
Yeah, you're right...it's all just a long-winded way to say "Bettman Sucks."
[Edit 1] It turns out that Clarence Campbell has a lot more in common Gary "Our Favorite Asshole" Bettman than first thought. Calling the Montreal Mayor out on TV...That's good.
10. Why is the term "in broad daylight" only used to describe a crime scene? Why can't you say, "I played golf today in broad daylight"? No, it's always "the victim was brutally beaten with a golf club in broad daylight".
8. Quote from the NY Times Magazine that I never thought would be attributed to an NHL hockey player (New York Rangers' Sean Avery):
"I just got a lovely cashmere throw from a friend who works at Calvin Klein."
It's lovely? Seriously? He also says he'd like to be the "editor of a fashion magazine", that his next big purchase will be the "spring/summer Dior men's collection". Wow, I'm speechless. He also says the most annoying piece of equipment is his helmet, "It's always tight no matter how much I loosen it." Hey, how about you make your next big purchase A HELMET THAT FITS! What, does Armani Exchange not sell them?
7. Reason #2934875 Not To Watch Fox: Subliminal Messages during playoff baseball games.
Gee, I wonder if that Transformers DVD is out yet. Sweet buttered christ.
6. iAppleRipoffTunes is now selling its DRM-free 256 kbps songs for $0.99 each, down from $1.29. That's funny, because Amazon has been selling those (most of them at a cheaper price) for a month now. Feeling the heat, are we, Stevie? Reminder: I must buy something from Amazon this week.
5. TV, I tried. I tried to enjoy your new offerings this season, but they left me feeling empty. I sat through "Pushing Daisies", "Cavemen", "Carpoolers", "Tell Me You Love Me", "Curb Your Enthusiasm"--none of them are horrible, but none of them are exciting. I even watched 20 minutes of "Journeyman" and "Reaper", and accidentally viewed 30 seconds of "Chuck". Ugh. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, TV. Let's just be friends and watch hockey together, okay? Meanwhile, I'm going to catch up on "The Wire" before January.
4. Action-packed hockey game on Monday night between the Maple Leaves at the Miller-less Sabres (on VS HD, no less), where the two teams traded goals back and forth in the final 10 minutes, seemingly scoring on every shot, ending in a Sabres 5-4 OT win with :03.7 remaining. Although there's a nice NHL highlight video of this, sometimes it's best to enjoy games like this through the open thread on Bfloblog. When they Sabres are on, they're ON (they had 19 shots in the 3rd + OT). Crazy, and it's only game #5.
3. Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies for making it to the World Series, basically by beating the living crap out of everyone in their path. They've won 20 of their last 21 games, including sweeping the Phatally Phlawed Phillies and the Uninteresting D-Backs. After the miserable 40 degree rainy weather at Coors Field on Sunday night, I think they're just motivated to wrap this shit up before it snows.
2. Screw the NFL! NCAA college football has been incredible this season. Somehow, every major team has been upset in some amazing way, from last week's Kentucky upset #1 LSU in OT and Oregon State beating #2 Cal, to the 40 point underdog Stanford beating USC two weeks ago. This weekend #2 South Florida (?!) visits Rutgers . . . could we be looking at another upset? Regardless, it will be interesting to see. Oh, and Notre Dame being winless is completely hilarious.
1. NOMINEE FOR BEST PRODUCT OF THE YEAR (thanks Kris):
"The Back Up: some people are buying one for each side of the bed!" Sure, it's great and all, but I'm constantly tripping over the legs of my bed and falling over, so I'm sure I'll blow my nuts off if I had one (or two) of these.
OPEN HOCKEY has a new look, which you might have noticed (but judging by the recent Statcounter pageloads, probably not). Kris worked hard (hardly worked) at creating the piece of of art you see at the top of the screen; he even came up with the brilliant, sarcastic, pre-judgmental, antagonistic tagline. Well done, sir! I was concerned about getting "expressed written consent" (or even "implied oral consent") from the NHL for the use of their logos, but screw them; they could use a little exposure since they can't do it themselves.
This ass-kicking, name-taking header comes just in time for the official kickoff of the 2007-08 NHL hockey season. Or was that last weekend? Either way, the league in its infinite wisdom chose the first day of the MLB playoffs to show a double-header on VS., ensuring minuscule ratings. If they had done this yesterday, when I was so starved for entertainment that I watched "Cavemen" (which wasn't horrible), they might have had some viewers.
Meanwhile on the other side of the pond, London's O2 Arena (owned by AEG, the same company who owns the L.A. Kings--it's all about synergy) hosted 2 games last weekend to "extend their brand" to Europe, and by most accounts the sport was well received. The hooligans especially loved the fights, although one onlooker was baffled by Ryan Getzlaf and friends posing with the Cup near Big Ben (actual quote: "The NFL is here next month, maybe this is part of that promotion"). Overall, I think we need the BBC to write more descriptions of hockey, they're just so damned British.
"The NHL champions, who beat the Ottawa Senators to win their first title in June, began the second period brightly but could not force the puck past agile Kings netminder Jonathan Bernier. Then, with 30:15 on the clock, Los Angeles doubled their advantage as captain Blake swept home a rebound after Anze Kopitar's shot had been well saved."
Well saved, old boy! Yarrr, Captain Blake doubles yer advantage! Wait, 30:15 on the clock? What the hell? Is that the metric system? Was there any injury time added on the end?
Falling into the NHL's evil marketing trap, the Biggest Sabres Fan In France was intrigued by the new NHL.TV and its promise of a free preview (until October 9th). However, upon trying to sign up he was informed that it was only available for people with U.S. addresses. Way to extend your brand, geniuses! NHL: Invisible All Around The World! It's such a fantastic sport, and it's a shame that it's getting buried by shoddy management, clueless broadcast networks, and asinine marketing schemes. As always, Bettman sucks.
"Despite hints, suggestions, and outright pleas from its friends and family members to "stop embarrassing [themselves]," National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that NHL players, team management, and league officials will in fact go through with their plans to attempt the 2007-08 season."
We know you secretly love the NHL, otherwise you'd completely ignore it like everyone else.
Tomorrow, more Wales Conference teams get in their first games, with the Devils hopefully starting the season brightly down in Hockey Bay (Tampa) and the Rangers home against the Panthers. Stay tuned!
Welcome to my first (of what will most likely be many) hockey post that will illustrate just how much NHL commissioner Gary Bettman sucks. Hot on the heels of the NHL's "let's make the jerseys a little more gay", here's another brilliant marketing ploy: NHL's trip to England about selling the game. This weekend, the NHL is forcing the Ducks and Kings to play two games in England in order to "sell the game" to people in the UK who can't even watch the regular season. Fantastic. What's the reason? "We have to extend our brand." How about "extending your brand visibility" right here in your biggest market, where 24 of the 30 teams are located, you may have heard of it--the United States of America! You know, where the vast majority of the public doesn't even know the NHL exists?
If you think that's stupid, I just found out that the Saturday game won't be televised nationally in the US. It's on CBC in Canada and HDNet on DirecTV (and I don't get either channel). That's right! The game that officially kicks off the NHL season WILL NOT BE TELEVISED NATIONALLY IN THE US (except maybe in notorious hockey hotbed California); NBC has golf, and Versus is showing the pivotal Baylor/Texas A&M football game. However, they will begrudgingly show the 2nd game on Sunday at noon, where I'm sure it will do well in the ratings against NFL football and Tiger Woods. While the NFL manages to turn most games into a must-watch event (for better or worse: see "NFL Kickoff"), the NHL routinely sabotages any chance of increasing its viewership. Why not choose a Friday night, when nothing else is on? Even a Saturday night game has more of a chance than this one.
Once again, the NHL is completely clueless on how to market their sport. Bettman, you fucking suck. But please, enjoy the games across the pond, mates! Cheerio!
(BTW, how did England get an NFL game AND an NHL game in the space of one month? Did we lose a bet with them or something?)
Here's the deal. Kammann's the only one that posts to this blog, therefore, one could presume that he's the only one with an axe to grind against the world in general...not true. Having taken a nice 3-week vacation that consisted on totally ignoring the a) radio, b) TV news and c) newspaper left me in a bliss that is only experienced by 97% of Americans. Coming back not only meant working, or giving the semblance of working, but also learning that the rest of the world didn't stop turning, it's still a shitty place. Anyway, I should do 10, but I fucking hate top-10 lists, so I'm going to do 5 things that I absolutely, fuckatively hate.
1. I watched Knocked Up the other day (it may have been yesterday, it's still relatively fresh in my mind) and I laughed a couple of times; then started searching online for Judd Apatow's home so I could go and beat the living shit out of him ruining my time that could've been spent, oh I don't know, staring at a brick wall. How the fuck did this get a 91% rating on Rotten Tomatoes? If there is one thing that I hate, it's making socio-political statements in films. Listen, I don't care if you're for or against abortion, this film just pussied out on the whole issue and since the fact that they "kept" the baby is kind of a main plot point in this film, it's fucking idiotic...They never even really discuss the whole keep it or not...They address it just enough so most of the idiotic reviewers give them a pass, but they never get anywhere near dealing with the issue. I know it's not an abortion film...but come on: They keep the baby and live happily ever after...James Dobson in 2008. Beyond that what did I learn? Hanging out with your buddies is immature. If you don't do 9-to-5, you're not a "man". Oh yeah, and threating a woman with physical and/or mental assault is the best way to calm her down (and probably attract her too). 1a: Why the fuck does Rotten Tomatoes make me go to their UK site? I don't want to go to their UK site, I want to go to the US site...just because I have a European IP address doesn't mean that I should be forced to go to the Blighty site...what the fuck did the Brits ever do for me anyway?
2. Crisis management and slimy marketing advertised (and believed) as "Doing the Right Thing."Mattel apologizes to China for toy recalls. Ok...where to start? Should I start with the fact that it does no use apologizing to China because it should be their government that actually keeps an eye on things and makes sure that foreign companies don't export lead-paint based toys? Or should it be the fact that Mattel should spend less time apologizing to China and more time apologizing the the parents of lead poisoning victims? Oh, and Mr. Thomas A. Debrowski, executive vice president for worldwide operations, did you apologize the workers who inhaled lead paint in their menial few-dollar a week jobs who made this shit in the first place? Fuck it. My kid's going to play with local made, hand carved, wood toys...and s/he's going to like it.
3. French trade unions who are going to make my life a living hell starting on October 18th. I like Sarkozy, but I don't love him. He's a politician and he's got his shtick and all that...good for him. And I like the fact that he's got the balls to go up against the trade unions. And I like the fact that [I hope/think/believe] that he's going to stare down this strike and figuratively (and maybe literally) give these dinosaur unions the finger. But the unions are going to try to push back. If they block the highways like in '95, I hope Sarko calls in the army and busts some heads, really. These unions have no respect for the law and no respect for their fellow Frenchmen...there are people here who want to bust their balls and make money...if you don't, just get the fuck out of the way, but don't stop the rest of us from getting to work, or getting food and gasoline, or whatever. I'm so sorry that you have to wait until you're 57 to retire and you can't retire at 50 anymore, you fucking louses.
4. I can't even get my bile up for this. This is more a wholly depressed kinda rage, but the people spend their time following celebrities. You know, the whole People Culture, but I just, I don't know...I try to convince myself that its just people's way of forgetting about their terrible little lives, but then you realize that the majority of Americans do this, and, fuck me, these people vote? That's why John Edwards spends $400 on his hair. Does anyone vote on political beliefs, ever?
5. This kind of ties in with #4 and #2: The media buying whatever it is that the people (politicians, celebrities, spinmen, handlers...) feed them. This story about Rudy taking a call from his wife is case-in-point; of course that was staged. At least it only took 4 comments to come to the same conclusion as me, but CNN "blogs" doesn't even talk about that...isn't that the point of a blog? To be able to say things that you wouldn't be able to say in a news report? Time and again you see this. I like to read about cars, but even Jalopnik.com, which I think is the best of the automotive blogs, falls for the old company line. Time-and-again...just regurgitate the shit that the marketing departments feed you. Fuck you all. I'll see you in Hell.
PS: I saw a Ron Paul sticker on a Cadillac...vintage 1975, purple with velvet seats...I don't know what that means, but it made me smile.
Oh and I hate Harlan Coben too and his cliqued, worthless, contrite drivel. I have rarely read an author that sells so many books, but is such a bad writer.
