MORE HATE: LASER PRINTING YOUR OWN MONEY

The way I see it, this is the only way to make buying new toner for a personal laser printer worthwhile.

Ok, let's take a step back. I'm looking to buy a color laser printer because my Oh Brother Inkjet takes 2 hours to print anything that's bigger than a monochrome Word file and I'm just sick of it. Entry-level color lasers cost around €150 right now. With that you get four toner cartridges (CYMB) that should last for something like 1,000 pages depending on your usage, then you need to buy more toner! I've been pricing this a bit and many consumer brands (Epson, Canon) price the four cartridges of toner at a little less than the printer itself (maybe 10% below the cost). Today I got a brochure from Dell and figured I'd check it out. The printer with 4 cartridges is €169. Replacement cartridges (normal capacity) €33 Black, €49 each CYM! So a little math tells us...€180. Hmm. Here's the thing, when it's more economical to throw out the printer when the toner is done, something isn't working.

I know that they bundle and all that shit, but do they think that people are that stupid? It's fucking ridiculous that it costs more money to buy the fucking toner than it does to buy the printer that is bundled with the toner. I know, I know economies of scale...Fuck that, computer chips and plastic and metal that are used in the printer costs money too. If a computer company respects you this much about a printer, imagine how much they're going to respect you when you have a problem with your system ('of course we can fix your computer, it will only be 112% of your purchase cost'). I'm pretty happy, over all, with Dell, but come on Mikey....That's fucking stupid.

THERE WILL BE HATE

I believe that Daniel Plainview hates you already.



"I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people . . . there are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money so I can get away from everyone." - from There Will Be Blood (2008).

That might be the new mantra for this blog.

When you watch Daniel Day-Lewis sitting next to the fresh grave of a man he just killed, drinking himself into oblivion from a whiskey flask, you get the feeling he's done it before. (What I mean is that he's done it to prepare for the role, which is perfectly okay.) In There Will Be Blood, he chews up the scenery like a post-pub Irish breakfast at 4 AM. And when various characters during the movie attempt to wake him up as he's passed out on the floor, I'm not sure if they're screaming "DANIEL!" at the character or the actor. Yes, it's a powerful Oscar-worthy performance unfortunately surrounded by a weak script, which Danny-boy punches up by merely repeating every line twice for effect: say a line, pause, SAY IT AGAIN LOUDER AND MORE EMPHATICALLY. And If There Would Have Been Editing, they could have trimmed the fat and made a taut, tense, and interesting 2 hour long movie. (Oh, that's right, it's directed by Paul Thomas Anderson who is practically incapable of making a short movie.) So no, I didn't really like this movie.

I will not go bowling with that man.

I WILL NOT GO BOWLING WITH THAT MAN!

FEELING AMERICAN AND OTHER BITTER RAMBLINGS

I'm American; always have been and always will be, even if I never actually "live" in the US again (I'll always maintain residency in the US for multiple reasons). Before I came to France, I didn't particularly "feel" any special affinity for the United States of Advertising. But now I do. Being America I have the right to criticize the US; I guess it's like being Jewish. You can make Jewish jokes if you're a Jew right? If not, you can't. Well it's the same thing. Just because you saw an American movie once, or you went on a two-week trip to the West coast three years ago doesn't give you unlimited latitude to criticize a country of which you know little, you ignorant frog motherfuck. Wait, I'm getting off on a tangent here, but as you maybe can see, I'm not a big fan of ferrin' peoples being self-righteous about my country. I'm well aware of the short-comings of the US.

But [getting back on track], since I've been here, I've started liking big American V8 iron (which I'd always hated before), diner-styled products (like I sell, of course), Coke advertising and [good] bourbon (I don't need no stinking Four Roses**). I still think that American cars from the 60s and early 70s are dumb vehicles, I still think that the Ford Mustang is a rather silly car, but I still would like one...I think it has something to do with that V8 rumble and [in the former's case) the smell of good old pre-catalytic converter exhaust. I also want to shove something down the greenwashing, self-righteous, government nannies that are every-fucking-where here, who are moving this supra-government to the point that we're all going to be driving styrofoam cars, using rubber-band transmissions and powered by hamsters. At the very least, I can see them trying to cap power at some arbitrary level like 100bhp.

Oh, another great tangent: The assholes in charge decided to create incentives to reduce the CO2 output of vehicles. I'm kind of confused as to my feelings about global warming, CO2, and Chicken Little, but I am an heavy advocate of reduced consumption whenever possible. So in France they have what's called ecologic bonus and malus*. A bonus means tax credits for cars that produce less than 130g/km of CO2. There's no bonus/malus for 131-160 or so g/km. Then there's increasing malus (fine) after 161g/km. (*There's no word for malus in English, but it's basically it is the opposite of bonus (in the "she's easy, so that's a bonus" sense), but it plays on the word for bad, "mal," in French.)
The new Nissan Rogue (called, charmingly the Qashqai here) has great copy in their new print ads: "Malus Ecologique = Zero"...which I basically read as "Ecological Harm = Zero" when translated from French, although it really just means that you don't have to pay any penalties. Fuck Nissan, Greenwashing twunts. With a 105 bhp on tap, we can easily reformulate the copy for the 1.5 ton crossover. "=Zero"

And back on track: I'm sick of people knowing more about my country then I do. I hate them lecturing me about how a government should run (they should look inward first). I sick of having to provide tacit support to Bush because I get sick of hearing people complain about him...What the fuck do they know? I can hate him because I have a say in the matter...these little fucks, no so much. The thing that bugs me the most is the people who are so ignorant they don't really realize that they're being ignorant. You know what I don't care about? If Obama or Hillary won Nevada or Colorado. This has so little influence on my life. I probably won't vote for a major candidate (that blows their minds too) and even if I do, it'll just be because I hate the other person that much more. Actually, I may have to vote McCain just to piss them off; it's been proven time-and-again that 75% of the French people are aspiring Democrats. I don't even like McCain, but I think I'm going to get a "John McCain, Soldier On 2008" bumper sticker.

Anyway, it's the end of the week and this really just makes me too frustrated to even take the time to try to explain how much I hate these people who just judge based on nationality; we all know that it is only valid to judge based on race.

Regardless: I'll probably buy an old American V8 at some point and I'll drink Jack Daniels at the wheel and fire at pedestrians with my Colt .45. Yeah, that sounds about right. What're the cops gonna do? run me down in the 105 hp cop cars?

For the record, this stereotyping is not a French-exclusive issue. I'm one of the least confrontational people that I know, and I almost busted a pint glass over some faggy Irish-fuck's head a few years back for exactly this reason. I've heard more than a handful of Brits get all uppity over various issues. Why don't you just go suck Tony Blair's dick.

**Speaking of Four Roses, this is strange. I was reading reviews of different Bourbons on BourbonEnthusiast.com and for some reason Four Roses polls very high..Lowered expectations? Maybe it actually is quite good and I just assumed it would be bad...Strange. Based on this maybe I'll retry a bottle; what's the worst that could happen? I would have to give it to people with Coke?...I'll take that chance.

THE TIMELESS BILL HICKS

According to the latest OH BLOG poll results, our readers love the broads (1st place with 30%) but could use some more hate (2nd place with 23%). What better person to deliver it than the late, great Bill Hicks. I'd like to think that he embodies everything that we believe here at Open Hockey (from the Eye-Opener Family of Hate Blogs): we hate because we care. (Or something like that.) Even though he died in 1994, the social and political targets he attacks with his intense, vitriolic comedy style are just as applicable today.

Obviously, these clips are NSFFW (Not Safe For Fucking Work).

Here's a clip of him talking about how he wants his rock stars dead instead of clean cut and mediocre.

Bill Hicks "Play From Your Fucking Heart" [YouTube]



This is his classic rant about marketing. "I know what all the marketing people are saying: 'He's going for that anti-marketing dollar, that's a good market.'"

Bill Hicks "Advertising & Marketing "[YouTube]



In one of his last interviews (late 1993), he talks about being cut from "Late Show with David Letterman". "[My 'pro-life' material was considered] not suitable for the David Letterman audience. But when I'm not ON the show, I'm a member of the Letterman audience. So therefore, my material is not suitable FOR ME. What a predicament."

Bill Hicks interview from 1993 [YouTube]



I could have put 100 clips up here, because in my opinion you can never have enough Bill Hicks.

WHO DO YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET SERVICE AROUND HERE?

I'm pretty sure I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I was absolutely livid about something earlier today that I seem to have forgotten...Yep, I'm going to have a heart attack at 40...I can feel it coming...Let's hope it's minor and it will allow to change my life, maybe I'll "discover" God, worthless bastard that he is...Oh come on, does that shock you, with all the vile shit that we spew on here, that I would go after the big guy? Oh course if he does exist, I basically just guaranteed that my pending heart attack will not be minor...oh well I'm far enough to the atheist side of agnostic not to worry too much about it.

Right...so I hate marketing and marketers. The new "in" phrase in France is: "Increase your purchasing power." It started maybe 6 months or a year ago, with one store talking about your pouvoir d'achat...It's probably all Sarkozy's fault. Anyway, I am not an economist in the least bit, but this bugs the living shit out of me...Purchasing power isn't something that "increases" because the supermarket decreases the price of toilet paper...Purchasing power is (for me at least, a non economist) a measure of your ability to buy all the things that you need in a given time...Reducing the price of a plasma screen actually decreases your purchasing power because you can now buy less bread because you just took out a 4-year loan on a 52" Sony. There's this little thing called inflation, and unless you're getting really nice wage increases at work, your purchasing power is damn lucky to hold even. I hate marketers for confirming my deepest cynicism about people, 'cause let's face it; if more and more places are using it now in France it must work.

Movies suck...As you may know, I expected so much more from "No Country for Old Men." But, whatever...So now that Danny Lewis has won his very own bronze plated statuette, I figured I would watch this epic film of love and loss and whatever the fuck happened in California in the early part of the 20th century. Yeah well...Fuck Hollywood right in their Hugo Boss pants. I swear, they couldn't write a movie that I didn't hate if they had to (yes, motherfuckers, that is a challenge). It's not that "There Will Be Blood" is bad...it's just that it's...just...so...I don't know...ordinary? Without DDL this thing is standard Hollywood crap...with DDL...well it's standard Hollywood crap with an exceptional lead actor. I have a question: How come if I cut and paste a book and then throw my name onto it, it's call "plagiarism" but when they do it in Hollywood it's call "Best Adapted Screenplay." Fuck them all.

On a high note, I'm almost done with the written-word version of "No Country for Old Men." For their benefit, the Coens' did do a very good job at keeping movie close to the book, but the book is just so much better...The conversation seems more "real" in the book whereas in the movie it's just actors talking like that...I guess it's because, even though I see the movie characters when I read the book, it's not the movie characters who speak in my head...It's the book. It's hard to explain, but I guess I'm concluding that I really just prefer to read.

And that brings me to my final point: We tend to spew an awful lot of vitriol hate on this blog, but when something goes well, it deserves to be pointed out. I recently ordered the aforementioned "No Country for Old Men" (as well as the excellent "Our Dumb World" from The Onion) from Amazon UK because I was avoiding Amazon FR due to their legal problems with the French government (in retrospect, I obviously should have ordered from Amazon FR to tell the French to shove it up Carla Bruni's anorexic ass...oh well). The order was supposed to arrive a week later...which it didn't do. I contacted Amazon customer service and they told me that they would take responsibility for any delivery issues, but to wait a few more days to see if the French Poste could figure it out...they couldn't and I recontacted Amazon...Even before customer service recontacted me, I got a shipping confirmation from the automated webthingy saying my order had been shipped with no charges. Then I got an email from them with this line:

If the original package should arrive afterwards, please keep the items with our compliments, as the cost of return of the package is prohibitively expensive in this case. Perhaps you would like to donate it to a charity in your area if you feel it would be appropriate to do so.

Sure, this is probably standard practice, but it surprised the hell out of me. I assume/hope that Amazon FR would do the same thing - it's the same group - and this completely convinces me that Amazon is where I'm going to be buying my books in Europe for a long time.

I still haven't received the original package (I doubt I will, I'm pretty sure some son of a French postman just got new books for English class), but if I do, rest assured I'll do the right thing and put them on eBay immediately, or not. I'd probably just donate them to the American association here.