BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

HOCKEY HITS: LUCIC VS. VAN RYN (AND THE PLEXIGLASS)

I thought this stuff only happened in NHL '94.

Milan Lucic sent Mike Van Ryn through the plexiglass during the Leaves 4-2 win on Thursday.


Massive Hockey Hit Into the Glass - Watch more free videos

Yikes.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: JAPANESE PIZZA COMMERCIAL

Here's a Japanese commercial for PIZZA-LA.



♪Pi-pi-pi-pi-Pizza-la-kun
to to to to toppings!♪

You can't make this shit up. Suddenly, I don't feel like having pizza for lunch today.

ONION NEWS NETWORK: DOMINO'S SCIENTISTS TEST LIMITS OF WHAT HUMANS WILL EAT

"It looks like something no animal should consume, much less a human."

That sums up how I feel about Domino's products.


Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

I love the different pizzas they're creating in the lab. Classic.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL "GIRL DRINK DRUNK"

Just one word of advice when drinking this Memorial Day weekend: don't turn into a Girl Drink Drunk.



Chocolate Choo-choo! Tastes like candy!

I came across this mixed drink recipe, and it's quite possibly the most awful drink I've ever heard of.

Baltimore Zoo
1 shot vodka
1 shot light rum
1 shot gin
1 shot triple sec
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1 shot grenadine syrup
1 dash sweet and sour mix
1 splash beer
Add the liquors and grenadine to a highball glass with ice. Top off with sweet and sour mix, add a splash of beer, and stir.

Uggggggghhhhhhh. Not only must it be awful to drink, it's also incredibly, unabashedly gay! If you order this at a bar you deserved to get cockpunched.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: RANDOM JAPANESE GIRL

According to Kris, it's Random Youtubery Month. Personally, I don't like putting a lot of videos on here since in a week or two most of them disappear, but I thought I'd join in the fun anyway.

I can almost understand Madonna and Justin Timberlake getting 10 million hits; while it's incredibly uninteresting to me, I can see why two generations of pop music fans would want to see it.

However, can anyone explain why this video has gotten over 3 million views?



It's a Japanese girl (Magi Ririan?), who claims to be 21 but looks like she's 12. She's doing nothing. Over 3 million people have watched it. Nearly 20,000 have commented on it (most of them are not so nice).

Yes, we're all doomed.

YOU LOST ME

This video is hilarious: "LOST" summed up in 4 minutes 24 seconds.



"Sun is pregnant but Jin is sterile--what's up with that?"
"They see Jack play football with Mr. Friendly. Mr. Friendly throws like a girl."
"Jack has a screwdriver for breakfast."

Of course, there are a whole bucket load of details it leaves out (LOSTPEDIA takes care of that), but overall it sums up the ABC show's storyline quite succinctly. So if you haven't seen it yet, you have no excuse now. Conversely, if you never watched it now you know why. Either way, let's face it, there's really nothing else to watch.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ...AND DEN YOU GET FREE EDITION

Jeff's "Avery is a Douche" post got me thinking about Slapshot and what a funny movie that was and how I need to buy a DVD player so I can watch it again on the new SORNY.

It was actually Newman's harassment of the opposing tender that got me thinking "Hanrahan, Suzanne sucks pussy!" and I ended up spending over a half hour checking out clips various Hanson's clips (did you know that Dave coaches youth hockey near Pittsburgh?).

"You need to get married again or [your son's] going to end up with a someone's cock in his mouth"

"Dave's a Killer!" "Dave's a mess"

Anyway, there's a bunch of great scenes, but Denis Lemieux explaining the rules to Jim Carr has to be one of my favorites.

If you were ever curious of how it would sound like in Quebecois, here's your chance!

WRIST SHOTS: IF YOU'RE NOT SICK OF THE KID YET, JUST WAIT

It's headlines like this that make me hate all sports reporters: Crosby helps Penguins win first division title in 10 years. Despite the fact that he was hurt for almost 30 games, he carried this team! Oh, and there's this guy named Malkin (did I spell that right?) who has played every game, and might have scored a few goals (like, 40-something) here or there too. But none as handsome and photogenic as this goal:



OH, SID! I could never stay mad at you. What would be better than a first round Pens/Kaps matchup? A second round matchup! (See what I did there?)

Yeah, that was a Devils goal by Zubrus that "replay" missed and Thomas nicely blocked from view. Imagine if someone doesn't make the playoffs because Boston got that charity point . . . ?

Devils PxP man Mike "Doc" Emrick said something in passing last night about the "silly" names that the divisions used to have, like "Patrick Division", and how names like "Atlantic Division" make much more sense. Has he ever heard of "tradition"? Has he been brainwashed by Bettman? This is about the only thing I've found so far that I don't like about Doc (that and his career with the Flyers). Hey, how about you just call the game and leave your silly opinions to someone else? I care more about what Chico thinks about the quality of the nachos at The Rock. (HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY!)

Devils playoff tickets are on sale! I repeat, Devils playoff tickets are on sale! Yes, I got two emails this week. Most other teams don't have to send multiple notices like this, as they usually sell out before the email gets to my inbox. Hockey in downtown Newark remains a tough sell, however. They want you to ROCK YOUR RED, "joining the legion" by wearing red to the playoffs. Sounds like a dirty Communist plot to me.

As we all know, the Senators once had a 7 point lead in the Wales Conference, and now they're in danger of missing the playoffs. They couldn't blow it, could they? COULD THEY?

The Habs will beat the Swordswallowers tonight to put an end to that dream. And who keeps voting for Sabretooth? I had no idea you were such huge fags fans. You know that attack on the Devil was photoshopped, right? The source photo (at left) shows him gayly jumping around on the lawn in front of some McMansion, probably rented out for some brat kid's 10 year old birthday party. No swords, no killing (unfortunately). Anyway, don't worry, after tonight you'll be free to frolic, Toothy. (Wow, that's an autographed photo. That must be worth . . . nothing.)

Everyone seems to be slagging Nashville, because they're in the way of Vancouver (Godforbid, a team from Canada!) making the playoffs and losing in the first round. I am all for them making it, because not only do they have players with silly names like Legwand, Bonk and Tootoo, they have Vernon Fiddler. I picture him barefoot with a big hillbilly beard and overalls, madly fiddling on the porch of an old shack while the locals dance and swig moonshine. Sort of like this:



If they don't make the postseason, he could always return to his violin gigs. HEY VERN!

Last but not least the Rangers are in with a win tonight at the Mausoleum, where they meet the Icelanders. It should be interesting/scrappy/chippy/bloody. One thing I know for sure: POTVIN SUCKS.

BLOODHOUND GANG "RALPH WIGGUM"

Thanks to Rob for directing me to this. It's the Bloodhound Gang, previously known for their "Fire Water Burn" and "The Bad Touch".



Bloodhound Gang "Ralph Wiggum" [YouTube]
Ralph Wiggum Soundboard

THE TIMELESS BILL HICKS

According to the latest OH BLOG poll results, our readers love the broads (1st place with 30%) but could use some more hate (2nd place with 23%). What better person to deliver it than the late, great Bill Hicks. I'd like to think that he embodies everything that we believe here at Open Hockey (from the Eye-Opener Family of Hate Blogs): we hate because we care. (Or something like that.) Even though he died in 1994, the social and political targets he attacks with his intense, vitriolic comedy style are just as applicable today.

Obviously, these clips are NSFFW (Not Safe For Fucking Work).

Here's a clip of him talking about how he wants his rock stars dead instead of clean cut and mediocre.

Bill Hicks "Play From Your Fucking Heart" [YouTube]



This is his classic rant about marketing. "I know what all the marketing people are saying: 'He's going for that anti-marketing dollar, that's a good market.'"

Bill Hicks "Advertising & Marketing "[YouTube]



In one of his last interviews (late 1993), he talks about being cut from "Late Show with David Letterman". "[My 'pro-life' material was considered] not suitable for the David Letterman audience. But when I'm not ON the show, I'm a member of the Letterman audience. So therefore, my material is not suitable FOR ME. What a predicament."

Bill Hicks interview from 1993 [YouTube]



I could have put 100 clips up here, because in my opinion you can never have enough Bill Hicks.

ONN: ONLINE DATING SITES MAKE WOMEN'S FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR LOVE EASIER THAN EVER

From the Onion News Network's TECH TRENDS.

Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse.

I should have posted this for V-Day, but better late than never.

GUITAR ZEROS: THE MUSICAL PARODIES OF SANTERI OJALA

These videos crack me up. It's a simple premise: Finnish guitarist Santeri Ojala has taken live performance videos of famous guitarists (Clapton, Santana, Vai, Eddie Van Halen, Malmsteen) and overdubbed his own intentionally awful playing. The results are hilarious, and expertly synched up as well.

However, some of the targets of the parodies aren't laughing at these as hard as I am: three of the humorless guitarists have allegedly threatened to sue, and his account on YouTube was suspended due to "copyright infringement" (god I'm so fucking sick of lawyers). Vai and Malmsteen are thought to be the likely whiners.

Anyway, since Wired has decided to host the videos, I've decided to post two of my favorites. I couldn't choose just one, so let's start with Eric Clapton at MSG:

Shredded to a Pulp: Eric Clapton (opens in a new window)

Even the overdubbed drums and sax on that one are perfect. However this is the piece de resistance, as Ojala dubs pretty much every instrument (and voice) during an Yngwie Malmsteen performance with the Japan Philharmonic in 2003:



The "Close Encounters" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" interludes had me rolling.

Also check out the Rob E. Lee/Ozzy Osbourne (whose overdubbed clapping is priceless) and Carlos Santana clips from the Wired Video site.

"LICK MYSELF" TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG (NSFW)

It's a sing-a-long Sunday here at the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG. Try out "Lick Myself" by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Warning: NSFW! A song about what every man wishes he could do... if you're at work better turn the volume down. Recorded live and uncensored in Las Vegas at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino. A DotComedy exclusive.

I was going to post a link to "Underage Bichon" or "Cats Are Cunts", but I wasn't sure how Google AdSense would feel about that.

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

It's that magical month once again, where it's all about me. (Kris also turns 30 at some point this month, but never mind that.)

I've got several things planned for this supersized leap-yearified 29 day month, including: drinking, skiing, the 1st ANNUAL LEAP INTO JEFFUARY NYC PUB CRAWL (details coming soon), videogames, a week long trip to Florida featuring golf, going to the beach, jetskiing and drinking (possibly all at once), a college hockey game, finally going to see that damn Coen Brothers movie, and much much more. Most important of all, I'd like to thank the New York Giants for playing in HYPER-MATCH 101010 on Sunday, making this an extra special Jeffuary. (And win or lose, I will be taking a sick day on Hyper-Match Monday and hitting some golf balls somewhere.)

As I've done for the past two years here on the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG (proud member of the EYE-OPENER family of hate blogs), I'm going to put up a daily post featuring whatever the hell I want (as if I haven't been doing that already). Today, it's a video from one of my all time favorite TV shows.

Arrested Development was one of the funniest shows ever. Sparsely watched but critically acclaimed during its brief three season run on FOX, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb there. Smartly written and densely packed with jokes, it was also excellently casted (who knew Jason Bateman could be a hilariously dry straight man?). And Will Arnett (GOB) never ceases to crack me up; it's a shame his movie career so far has been awful.

I see new things every time I watch an episode of this show, which is pretty much all I've done for the past month since getting Season 1 and 2 on DVD. And if you didn't follow it from the beginning, I admit it would seem rather daunting; you need to know the background of the characters and their situations to truly appreciate the humor, plot, and many call-backs to previous episodes. With the availability of the shows on DVD, TV (I think it's still on G4TV?) and online (thanks, Hulu!), you have no excuse. I will not let you ignore it. So let's start at the very beginning.

"Pilot"
Season 1
Episode 1
Time: 21:44
Aired: Sunday, November 2, 2003
Moments after Michael Bluth decides he's leaving the family business because he was passed over for a promotion, his father is arrested for shady bookkeeping.



Arrested Development [G4TV site]

Whatever happened to Alia Shawkat? All I know is that she turned 18 last April and she's filled out rather nicely. Couldn't Michael Cera get her a juicy nude scene part in one of his movies?




UPDATE (5:00 PM): Hulu isn't working at all today. Thanks for ruining Jeffuary! Stupid Hulu, with your stupid name. What is a Hulu anyway? Besides a non-working crappy website?

WINTER CLASSIC: WHITEOUT SHOOTOUT

CROSBY HAS JUST SAVED HOCKEY AGAIN!

He just scored the winning goal in a shootout in a whiteout in Buffalo. Had the writers not already been on strike, I would have said that NBC scripted that ending.

(video courtesy of NBC via Cablevision via my HDTV via my camera)



I'm sure Kris thinks I'm just rubbing it in by showing his Sabres lose in a shootout, but that was exciting. Meanwhile, NBC showed that clip of Crosby bouncing the puck on his stick about 1000 times--okay, we get it, HE'S GOOD. And I love Doc Emrick but I turned my receiver's center channel down to -12 dB and smothered it with a pillow for the Whiteout Shootout. Much better.

Despite the lack of scoring and frequent ice maintenance stoppages, it couldn't have worked out better for the NHL. Except for the ratings.

That was fun. Let's do it again soon.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

This video cracked me up: Charlie Brown Christmas dubbed over by the cast of "Scrubs".

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!



"My Charlie Brown Christmas" by The Cast of Scrubs [YouTube]

MISHEARD LYRICS: PEARL JAM "YELLOW LEDBETTER"

It was a pretty desolate Saturday night in Nyack last week, because of a predicted snowstorm that didn't actually turn out to be any big deal. In a nearly empty Bourbon Street, we finally got Ray to play Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" after bugging him for, I don't know, over three years. I understand his reluctance, since there's no way to figure out what the lyrics are; we ended up "singing" it for him from a sad combination of an awful internet "translation" and our equally awful "memory".

Here's "Misheard Lyrics Guy" and his best guess as to what the hell Eddie Vedder is warbling:



Make me fries!

Misheard Lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" [YouTube]

GABORIK VS. HASEK (12/7/2007)

For all of you that complain that there's not enough hockey here at Open Hockey, here's a Martin Gaborik breakaway that is canceled by Hasek in an original way.



That was completely unnecessary, especially considering Hasek had a 5-0 lead with 2:22 left.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 TURKEY DAY MARATHON (BLOG EDITION)

Since all Sci-Fi shows nowadays is "Battlestar Galactica", "Stargate SG-1" reruns and infomercials, I have taken it upon myself to create my own MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 TURKEY DAY MARATHON. There was a guy named Joel (not too different than you or me) who used to host the show, so I'll let him introduce it (via the wayback machine, circa 1991):



We'll start with the incredibly creepy and hilarious short, "MR. B. NATURAL" [from episode 319] in which the "mister" is, naturally, played by a woman.
"Knew your father, I did!"
"Hey you leave my father out of this!"



Next up is "NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST" [701TD], which was premiered on Thanksgiving 1995.



"SAMSON VS. VAMPIRE WOMEN" [624] marked the final episode for TV's Frank (Coniff).



"HOBGOBLINS" (theater segments only) [907]. Let's put it this way. Hobgoblins : Gremlins :: Time of the Apes : Planet of the Apes. Which is to say, this is a shitty movie. (Damn you, Sandy Frank, for not making "Time of the Apes" available on DVD!)



"ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE" [604] was another episode that premiered on Turkey Day (1994), starring the inimitable Adam West, the original Batman (no, not Val Kilmer, Christian Bale, George Clooney, or even Michael Keaton). Thrill to Jon Mikl Thor's jazz hands!



If you haven't cheated and skipped ahead (and you can't if you're on the Satellite Of Love), we should be at Hour #6 of the marathon. So here's an intermission segment hosted by Dr. Clayton Forrester.



Up next is "SPACE MUTINY" [820], easily one of the funniest Sci-Fi offerings, right up there with "FUTURE WAR". "Calgon, blow me away!"



We close it out with "MASTER NINJA". "Ha ha ha ha ha--YOU'RE STUCK HERE!"



Meanwhile, here's what the MST3Kers are up to:

RiffTrax (Mike)
Cinematic Titanic (Joel, Trace, Frank, Mary Jo & Josh)
MST3K.com (Jim and Paul)

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!