THE DRINKY DRINKY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: DUFF BEER

Ok, so "Duff Beer" in the Simpsons is knock-off of Bud, the worst mass produced beer I've ever drank (well at least since Coors Light); but as a Simpson fan and a beer drinker, I think it's one of those fetishs that we all have: TASTE FUCKING DUFF BEER.

Well the other day, I was at the beer store buying a case of my now House beer (Schoenberg or something - don't ask, it's not that good). I was waiting for the cashier to ring up the lady in front of me and looking over the different cases of beer that they added since my last visit and I see a little hand-written sign "Duff: Simpsons beer" and I covered the 3 meters between the register and the display in 1.5 steps. I have no idea how much it cost, I really don't care. I had no idea that someone was selling Duff beer, but figured 'why not:' Fox has licensed the shit out of the Simpsons from Weber Grills to Krusty's Home Pregnancy Tests ("may cause birth defects") (ok, maybe that last one wasn't real) so why not the beer that says "fat and bald men."

Anyway, after getting back home I figured I would do a little research into this product. Wikipedia EN (which is always accurate) told me that my beer was made in Mexico for the South American market. While, I guess it's possible that there were grey market imports to Europe, the bottle itself directly contradicts this with the statement "Gebraut in Deutschland" and the website of the brewer (or at least marketer) www.duff-bier.de. This website enlightened me with the following statement:

The legendary Duff Beer gibt es jetzt auch in Ihrer Nähe!

OH REALLY! Ok, I don't speak or read German, so I headed over to Babelfish:

The legendary Duff Beer now gives it also in your proximity!

Well I guess that answers someone's question about what gives "it" in "your proximity". Ugh.

Next stop Rate Beer where "Duff Beer" gets a stunning 8th percentile in the Pilsner category...wait, that Duff is brewed in Belgium by Haacht (which sounds exactly like the sound I'll make tomorrow morning after drinking a sixer of this beer).

So, with these elements in hand, I can honestly say "I haven't the fucking foggiest idea where this beer came from, it's relationship to Matt Groening and if it has a Dry variant." Honestly, I think that someone registered the brand name "Duff Beer" in Germany (or Europe) and started producing it. I don't think it has any relationship to the Simpsons; but who the fuck cares. I'm going to go back to the beer store soon and buy the rest of their stock (like 2 cases, I think/hope).

Anyway, you came for the review, here's the review:
Painfully mediocre. But not how you think: I would expect a real Simpsons "Duff Beer" to taste kind of like Bud or Miller or Coors or something patently American and this doesn't. Since it's made in Germany they don't put rice in it, so you don't get the crisp, watery (shit) taste that rice-based beers usually bring to the table. It doesn't taste bad per se; although it has a nasty carmel/over-cooked hoppy taste to it. If I had to compare this, I would put it firmly in the generic German "beer" segment; it tastes like St. Pauli Girl or Becks (to compare it to American offerings)...actually a lot like Becks, but with that burnt hops taste omnipresent.

I'll try to get some more of this (like I mentioned) and I'll try to sneak a few back into the US next time 'round.

Anyway, I never thought I would taste Duff and it turns out I haven't. FOX/Groening will probably never officially license Duff (and I assume they'll shut down production of this stuff PDQ), just like they won't officially license "Krusty Home Pregnacy Test," but whatever; as cynical as I am, I am well-aware that, at times, I'm no better than the knuckle-draggers who watch American Idol (you fuckers came for the hate...there's a little taste).

BLOODHOUND GANG "RALPH WIGGUM"

Thanks to Rob for directing me to this. It's the Bloodhound Gang, previously known for their "Fire Water Burn" and "The Bad Touch".



Bloodhound Gang "Ralph Wiggum" [YouTube]
Ralph Wiggum Soundboard

THE AWESOME LICENSING POWER OF RENAULT

First, they worked with renowned Belgish animator Guionne Leroy (from Chicken Run and The Toy Story fame):



Then, they hired that crazy ambiguously strange couple, Wallace and Gromit:



And finally...O.F.F. makes their appearance in a Renault Kangoo commericial:



I couldn't find one with English subs, but it's not really hard to figure out what they're saying...and yes, that's what The Simpsons sound like in French.

MORE AWESOMENESS IN LICENSING: HOMER-HEAD SLIPPERS

I got these babies on sale for 4€50, which in USD is something like $50, but believe me, it's not too much here. I doubt I'll wear them much, but I have never LLOL for a pair of slippers before and every time I look at my feet that's what happens; I burst out laughing. And I have not even drank alcohol today.



And the best thing: Your feet go right into his mouth. Brilliant.



They're not bad for comfort either, although I could foresee overheating being an issue.



Anyway, I give this product and/or service the official Open Hockey Award for Excellence in the field of Marketed and/or Licensed Product and/or Service.


UPDATE (Jeff K): Nice! Just make sure you don't get arrested while wearing them, or you'll look like this guy:



Allentown man charged in two homicides [Morning Call]

WEEKLY TOP 10: YOUR SKEETIN' HEART

10. This has been one cah-ray-zee NCAA football season, am I right? (Hence the need to give the word "crazy" an extra syllable.) On Saturday, #1 Missouri lost to Oklahoma (which everyone saw coming) and West Virgina, being #2, was required by law to lose to Pitt. And with Ohio State and LSU chosen to meet in the Big Game sometime in mid-January, people are whining about the BCS bowl system! Shocking! Just put the frigging bowl games on and I'll watch them. Anyway, screw the BCS (British Cardiovascular Society), they haven't helped me once.

CapitalOne Bowl Week preview coming soon!

9. Stephen Colbert will be doing "The Colbert Report" live at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NYC at 6:30 PM tonight. Man, I wish I had tickets. Regardless, I've been talking about it for years, so I think it's time I saw a comedy show down there. (Whatever happened to the Rascals Comedy Club in the Palisades Mall? Did it ever open? They put a sign up, and that's it?)

8. The New York Times wrote an article on bourbon and didn't even mention Booker's? BLASPHEMY! I guess they didn't taste anything above 101 proof, which is really is a shame: everyone should feel the glorious burn that is Booker's. The top bourbons they chose (Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year-Old ($99), Vintage 17-Year-Old ($54), Knob Creek ($20)) must be pretty damn good, because according to them "Maker's Mark didn't come close". Well then.

7. My favorites from the Tim Tebow Facts: "Tim Tebow can divide by zero" and "Tim Tebow CAN believe it's not butter". I submitted this one: "When Tim Tebow stares at the sun, the sun has to look away".

6. "Funeral for a Fiend" was the funniest Simpsons episode I've seen in a long time, definitely the best of the season. I just really like what Kelsey Grammar does with the Sideshow Bob character. Of course, FOX in their infinite wisdom decided that while every show is in hiatus because of the writers' strike, this Sunday was a good time to show a repeat.

5. The NFL claims to want to "give more football to the fans", but this is clearly not the case. Not only did very few get to see Green Bay get beat by Dallas on Thursday, but they've also eliminated those great Saturday afternoon games, and instead give us one Saturday night matchup. Memo to all sports league commissioners: don't insult my intelligence, just say it's a business decision and move on. My favorite description of the NFL Network: "24 hours of live football, 8736 hours of filler".

BLOGNOSTICATION ALERT: The New England Patriots are going to go undefeated this season, including the playoffs. That's 19-0. Congratulations, Pats!

4. Two new HD channels were added to Cablevision this week: HGTV and Food Network. I can't wait for CSPAN2-HD and Game Show HD, since the latter will allow me to view those "Match Game '79" episodes the way God (and Charles Nelson Reilly) intended.

3. I decided that I would rather go to happy hour early on Friday than attend my company holiday party. Does that make me an alcoholic? No, I think it's just common sense. There was no place to sit when I actually bothered to attend last year, so screw them.

2. After seeing someone post this online, this song was in my head all day. It's Nick Rivers "Skeet Surfin'", from the 1984 movie Top Secret!, one of the most underrated and overlooked comedies of all time.



Nick Rivers & Tammy Wynette "Your Skeetin' Heart" cracks me up every time. The East German National Anthem is priceless too: "Hail, Hail East Germany, Land of Vine And Grape, Land Where You'll Regret, Any Try To Escape!"

1. When you type in "BETTMAN SUCKS" into Google, the first image that comes up in the search is the header for this blog! We're really going places. Oh, and Bettman sucks.

I'VE BEEN SIMPSONIZED!

From the Simpsons Movie site, I don't know if this avatar looks anything like me, but here it is:



Then I tried out the Simpsonize Me site (which crashed my computer at work), and this is pretty damn funny:



D'OH!

Meanwhile, here's movie trailer #3:



Simpsons Movie (Official Site)
Simpsonize Me [Krusty Burger King site]

WEEKLY TOP 10: I'M OUT OF MATERIAL

10. Best Simpsons Character Ever? Homer is obviously the best character, but after him I'd have to go with Moe.

9. A big "fuck you" goes out to NBC Universal, who has been sending out "anti-pirating" notices to Optimum Online customers that have "uploaded copyrighted content" to prevent people from "file sharing". Notice how they don't actually accuse anyone of "downloading", and personally I only acquire these files when I've missed an episode, and I delete them immediately afterwards. However, the way file sharing (using bit torrent) works, this means you don't even have to have an entire usable file to be accused of "piracy" and have your cable modem priviledges revoked, which in my book is complete bullshit. Also, doesn't NBC-U realize that this means people are actually interested in their stupid shows? Well, it looks like I won't be tuning into any of your new shows. Imbeciles.

8. Which is creepier: massive amounts of bandwidth devoted to pictures of 17 year old Emma Watson, or 17 year old Hayden Panettiere? Or the fact that I'm linking to them?

7. On MovieMap you can input your favorite movie and it recommends others that you might like. It just so happens that close to my favorite movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark" on the map are "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "The Empire Strikes Back", which are also two of my all-time favorites. Also, "The Incredibles" and "Decline and Fall of Western Civilization" are close by, as are "Caddyshack" and "Animal House", which I also love. So I guess this means I have to check out "Now, Voyager" and "The Quiet Man".

6. I played with the Nintendo Wii this weekend, which my cousin Heather brought over. Even though the graphics aren't great, it more than makes up for it with the inventive wireless remote controllers and the immersive interactivity of the games. The best games are Wii Tennis (from Wii Sports) and Tiger Woods PGA Tour (though it's nearly as frustrating as real golf). The most unique thing about the system, the motion-sensing "Wiimotes", is also its biggest problem, since the wild motions people make while playing the game can cause injuries (e.g. my sister hit my niece in the head, and my shoulder is sore from playing tennis).

5. Running up that hill: Carlos Beltran's game-saving catch was great, especially since it took place with a man on 3rd in the 14th inning (a ridiculously long game which the Mets won in 5-3 in the 17th).



4. Bill "Boston Sports Guy" Simmons is simultaneously a douchebag and a genius for live blogging the 2007 NHL Draft a few weeks ago. On one hand, he's really smarmy and sarcastic about the state of the league (even though his beloved NBA took a bigger ratings drop this year than the NHL did), but overall he puts the emphasis on how much Bettman sucks. And that's all you can ask for from an ESPN employee.

3. Speaking of, this Situationist article is interesting: "Negative Press: Is ESPN Killing the National Hockey League by Influencing Public Attitudes?" My short answer is that ESPN sure isn't helping, but Bettman is doing most of it himself. Did I mention Bettman sucks?

2. If you really want to hate the final episode of "The Sopranos", just read TV critic Bob Harris' article: Tony Soprano didn’t just get whacked; he practically got a funeral. A key quote:

"In Catholicism, administration of the Eucharist in the moments before death is known as Viaticum, derived in part from the Latin for...'Journey.'"

That's right, he's alluding to the group who sang the fucking power ballad used in the final scene. This is what happens when people try too hard to defend an awful series finale: you end up with this overwrought analysis.

1. We just had our annual "Diversity and Harassment" training, and I couldn't help but think of G.O.B.'s speech from Arrested Development:



I like this presentation much better.

WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E MART?

They're here: the 7-Eleven stores converted into Kwik-E Marts! The U.S. locations are New York City (42nd Street in Midtown), Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Burbank, Los Angeles and Mountain View, CA, Henderson, NV, Orlando, FL, Seattle, and Bladensburg, MD. I might not make it to the NYC store, although most of the stores will be selling some of the Simpsons related products. But alas, there will be no Duff beer.

The picture I included is pretty pathetic actually, since Comic Book Guy looks skinny compared to that guy. Here's another photo gallery of a Kwik-E Mart in Southern California. (With real live Simpsons look-a-likes! Huh?). I love the "5 Minute Parking - Violators Will Be Executed" and "Buy 3 for the price of 3" signage. Here's a short homemade video of the store in Maryland:



Who needs the Kwik-E Mart? I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In another cross-promotional moment, the MLB All-Star Game commercials feature Jimmy Rollins eating a pink frosted donut after looking at "The Simpsons Movie" ad (check the video at 0:34, if you can make it past the initial shot of the giant headed Giants player).

CARTOONSDAY!

"Don't look so perplexed. Why must you be vexed? Can't you see you're next? Yes, you're next, you're so next!" It's Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd starring in "Rabbit of Seville" (1950).

Bugs Bunny - The Rabbit Of Seville

Bonus video! It's Two for Cartoonsday, as we also have the newest "The Simpsons Movie" TV commercial, coming July 27, 2007.



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