WRIST SHOTS: TROPICAL DEPRESSION

Anything would be finer than to be in Carolina this morning.

The Carolina Hurricanes, once a Category 3 in the conference, have been downgraded to a tropical depression and are drifting out to sea. Now they have to wait for the selection committee's decision tonight to see if there is still hope. What? It's a points based playoff system and there IS no selection committee? They're ELIMINATED? Sweet tea with biscuit gravy! That would be like the nearly unbeatable North Carolina Tarheels and Tyler Whitesbrough forgetting to show up in their Final Four game with Kansas. Oops.

A different storm has taken the 'Canes place, the cyclone called the Kapital Komrades. (Hey, who let the Swede and the Canuck in the photo?) In last place at the end of 2007, going down the stretch they tore the Southeast Division a new five-hole winning 14 of 18, and they're not even located in the Southeast (see how silly and misleading the new division names are, Doc Emrick?). Catching up with Carolina and tying them with one game each to play, it's amazing that it came down to beating Florida, which Carolina couldn't manage yet the Kaps could. They won't meet Sidsburgh in the first round (thankfully!), though I much prefer forcing the struggling Sens or the Philthy Lyers to skate face-first into this buzzsaw instead.

What a player Thomas Vanek is! Freed from the burdens of "pressure" and "playoff race" he scored 3 garbage time goals (an "unnecessary hat trick") to meaninglessly lead the Sabres over the Bruins, 3-0. How fantastic of him to step up when it didn't matter. Enjoy rooting for this non-entity for the next whatever number of years (6?), Buffalo.

Meanwhile, Montreal beat Toronto (love the "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" chant at Le Centre Bell with 5 minutes left) to set up an ORIGINAL SIX first round matchup with Boston, which is the way it should be. Typically, the Leaves throw in a cheapshot with less than 5 seconds left in this one (and in their season), with McCabe and Stewart battling with their sticks in an asinine way I can only call Youngblood-esque.



Hey hey hey, goodbye Leaves, you pugilistic pricks.

So it's come down to this: the Strangers visit the Devils in beautiful downtown Newark today to decide home ice in their 4/5 playoff matchup, with a regulation win putting Game 1 in MSG. You know, I hope the Rangers go 8-0 in the regular season and lose to the Devils in the first round, just to prove how little that matters (just like the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS losing to Green Bay and Dallas only to beat them in the playoffs).

I realize this report shows an East Coast bias, but with the fantastic TV deals Bettman's signed that's I'm allowed to see. As it is, I'm watching Chicago play today for maybe the 3rd time this season, which is just as many games 'Hawks fans got to see under the watchful, miserly, cold dead hand of Bill Wirtz. (Hey, I'm sure NBC Sports is broadcast free in Hell.) Welcome to the 20th century, you're finally going to show all 82 games on TV next season. Brilliant.

In closing, screw NBC Sports once again for making Doc Emrick call the inconsequential game in Detroit, meaning he won't be present at the Devils' final home game. How about some "home fan appreciation"?

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFALO BLEU IT

My thumb hurts from flipping between 7 different NHL games last night. Yes, the NHL Centre Ice package was made available to all cable subscribers this week. The reason? Because it's a free trial week for MLB Extra Innings. So wait, why is the hockey free too? Because cable providers are too stupid to figure out how to flip the switches correctly to only give its subscribers one of them, so they just unscrambled everything. Regardless, I got a lot of free surprise hockey last night, the best kind of hockey there is.

The deep fried, hot sauce slathered, blue cheese dipped dream is over: the Buffalo Sabres are done. They completed the choke job by losing to the Habs 3-1 last night, making them one of only 7 teams since 1932 to finish 1st overall one season and miss the playoffs the next. They played with an incredible amount of intensity in the final 10 minutes (when they were already down 3 goals), which begs the question: where was that intensity all season? Huge disappointment. Quote of the night from a fan on Bfloblog: "fuck a comeback - just break someones nose!" Thanks vtTom, that was fantastic.

Meanwhile, let me tell you about Buffalo Bleu chips: they're awesome! From the good people at Kettle Foods, they're A TOUCH OF FIRE AND ICE, with a BRAZEN spice mellowed by BLUE CHEESE. They're crispy and krinkle cut, and they're made with 0 g trans fats. Delicious! Take it from me: Buffalo Bleu it!

Why do Montreal fans at the Bell Centre do the "Olé! Olé-olé-olé!" chant during games? I guess we can add them to the long list of unoriginal fans who have co-opted that stupid, tired soccer chant. And I thought they were more savvy than to follow the latest fad. Mets fans have even started doing it during José Reyes' at-bats at Shea. Enough! (I also hate the "Marty's better!" chant at Devils games, which is sure to rear its ugly head in the playoffs.)

I don't have the CI package (it's not in HD, so why bother), so I think this is maybe only the 2nd time I've seen Detroit all year. That's a crime, and I have Bettman to thank for that (at least I'm not in Canada where they force fans to PPV for select games). Anyway, the Wings locked up another Presidents Trophy last night, setting themselves up for another playoff disappointment. Zetterberg's winning goal -- from behind the net, flipping it up and rebounding it off CBJ goalie Leclaire's back with 14 seconds left -- was pretty artful, I have to say. I saw that they were running a promotion for the playoffs, something along the lines of "What crazy thing would you do for a luxury box?" Personally, I would wear a Devils jersey and walk around Detroit taunting Red Wings fans! Oooo, that's crazy.

Ovechkin is a great player (there's obviously no debate there), but is there a chance the Kaps rely on him a little too much? I mean, it's a team sport and he can't be out there on every shift. This stat from the Slap Shot blog is interesting: if you combine shots made and missed, no one has the puck on their stick more than Ovie, by a long shot.

Player (Team): Shots/Missed/Total
Ovechkin (WAS): 436/196/632
O Jokinen (FLA): 338/112/450
Zetterberg (DET): 344/105/449

He's taken nearly 100 more shots than the next guy in the league, and missed more shots than most players take all year. That's absurd. Naturally, his shooting percentage isn't very high; while players like Malkin and Kovalchuk connect 17-18% of the time, Ovie is only at 12.2%. All I'm saying is, maybe the Kaps would be in the playoffs already if the majority of their offense wasn't merely him skating in circles trying to create a scoring chance for himself. There's always one jerk at open hockey who does that (Palice's Tom "Fucking" Bailey, I'm looking in your direction), and leaves you begging him to pass it around a little so the rest of us could improve our game. (BTW, we're pronouncing it wrong: it's "uh-VEECH-kin".) In other words, if they meet up with a good goalie, I see a first round exit. However, if it's Conklin/Marc-Andre Fleury . . .

With Nashville winning and Vancouver losing, we've lost yet another Canadian squad to the Confederate Menace. After they scored the 3rd goal to pretty much seal it, they played a country song which I couldn't possibly name. (Every song sounds like Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places" to me.) I have to admit, it was frightening, like hockey being played some bizarro world. It looks like hockey, but they probably deep fry and eat the pucks afterwards in some weird ritual.

So now the 8 teams in the Campbell Conference are set. In the Wales race, the Rangers are in, and I guess it's up to NJ tonight to help keep Philthy out of it. Will they steal back the 8th spot from suddenly surging Kaps, or get the butt end of the stick?



Oops. Hey, things like that will happen, what can you do?

One other question to the Devils: WHY IS MARTY STILL PLAYING??? You know, I'm pretty sure they have a backup that can come in and give him his first day off since January 6th. Or not. Suit yourself.

I have no idea what the hell this "player rankings" chart means (I guess this is based on just straight player statistics, and not performance or wins), but the Devils are 1st, Rangers are 4th and the Red Wings are 18th. The top team in the East,Sidsburgh is way down at 22nd. Huh, I guess these stats are pretty meaningless.

Coming soon: OPEN HOCKEY NHL PLAYOFF PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

WRIST SHOTS: IF YOU'RE NOT SICK OF THE KID YET, JUST WAIT

It's headlines like this that make me hate all sports reporters: Crosby helps Penguins win first division title in 10 years. Despite the fact that he was hurt for almost 30 games, he carried this team! Oh, and there's this guy named Malkin (did I spell that right?) who has played every game, and might have scored a few goals (like, 40-something) here or there too. But none as handsome and photogenic as this goal:



OH, SID! I could never stay mad at you. What would be better than a first round Pens/Kaps matchup? A second round matchup! (See what I did there?)

Yeah, that was a Devils goal by Zubrus that "replay" missed and Thomas nicely blocked from view. Imagine if someone doesn't make the playoffs because Boston got that charity point . . . ?

Devils PxP man Mike "Doc" Emrick said something in passing last night about the "silly" names that the divisions used to have, like "Patrick Division", and how names like "Atlantic Division" make much more sense. Has he ever heard of "tradition"? Has he been brainwashed by Bettman? This is about the only thing I've found so far that I don't like about Doc (that and his career with the Flyers). Hey, how about you just call the game and leave your silly opinions to someone else? I care more about what Chico thinks about the quality of the nachos at The Rock. (HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY!)

Devils playoff tickets are on sale! I repeat, Devils playoff tickets are on sale! Yes, I got two emails this week. Most other teams don't have to send multiple notices like this, as they usually sell out before the email gets to my inbox. Hockey in downtown Newark remains a tough sell, however. They want you to ROCK YOUR RED, "joining the legion" by wearing red to the playoffs. Sounds like a dirty Communist plot to me.

As we all know, the Senators once had a 7 point lead in the Wales Conference, and now they're in danger of missing the playoffs. They couldn't blow it, could they? COULD THEY?

The Habs will beat the Swordswallowers tonight to put an end to that dream. And who keeps voting for Sabretooth? I had no idea you were such huge fags fans. You know that attack on the Devil was photoshopped, right? The source photo (at left) shows him gayly jumping around on the lawn in front of some McMansion, probably rented out for some brat kid's 10 year old birthday party. No swords, no killing (unfortunately). Anyway, don't worry, after tonight you'll be free to frolic, Toothy. (Wow, that's an autographed photo. That must be worth . . . nothing.)

Everyone seems to be slagging Nashville, because they're in the way of Vancouver (Godforbid, a team from Canada!) making the playoffs and losing in the first round. I am all for them making it, because not only do they have players with silly names like Legwand, Bonk and Tootoo, they have Vernon Fiddler. I picture him barefoot with a big hillbilly beard and overalls, madly fiddling on the porch of an old shack while the locals dance and swig moonshine. Sort of like this:



If they don't make the postseason, he could always return to his violin gigs. HEY VERN!

Last but not least the Rangers are in with a win tonight at the Mausoleum, where they meet the Icelanders. It should be interesting/scrappy/chippy/bloody. One thing I know for sure: POTVIN SUCKS.

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO MARTY LIKE IT'S 2002

After Kris decided to dust off his SORNY Playstation (the newest gaming technology available in France, apparently) and play some NHL 2000 on his new SORNY TV (and brag about beating the Devils, and about how much better his fake Sabres team is vs. the real one), I decided that I had to reply. Little did he know that he's stirred the pot, awoken the beast and created a monster: last night I found my PC copy of NHL 2002. This could get ugly.

I haven't played it in about 3 years, and it was pretty funny seeing Super Mario (Lemieux, not the Nintendo star) on the cover. While not as immediately enjoyable as NHL '94, graphically stunning as NHL 2001 for PS2, or as slick and shiny as NHL 08, this game was fun to play, not overly glitchy and endlessly customizable. I even had my "ditties" (clips of songs you upload that play during stoppages) still on the hard drive. While NHL 98 was an excellent showcase of what a PC hockey game could be, this edition may have been the last solid NHL game that EA released on the PC.

However, it wasn't a simple process to just "play a game" on my old computer. First, I had to reinstall it, and find the old box which had the EA registration code on it (ugh). Then I had to find a driver for the gamepad (which I had actually bought as a backup but never used), and download the newest rosters I could find (2005-06 season). Was it worth it? Yes it was. (Or was it?)

I set up a quick game of Sabres @ Devils at the Continental Breakfast Arena, playing at difficulty level 2 (it goes from 1 to 4, where 4 = frigging impossible). As I began to play I realized that this was the first NHL videogame I've ever played where I didn't have Scott Stevens playing D for the Devils--and I didn't like it at all. One thing I did notice that always bothered me about the game is the weird computer AI whenever one of their wingers skates towards the goal with the puck. Instead of going directly at the goal, 80% of the time the player would skate straight north-south (as if he was in a bubble hockey slot) to almost the goal line, and then make a sharp right angle cut. If you could hit him or knock him off the puck before he was able to get off a pass into the slot, you were fine. If you didn't, there was a good chance they'd score a one-timer goal. Very odd. Also, the goalies are pretty dumb about covering up the puck around the crease, and seem to ignore it while it sits on the outside of the net. Otherwise, it's a solid game (if you can ignore Don Taylor's silly color commentary).

As I was slowly relearning the game controls on the weird new (to me) gamepad, I was getting badly outshot/outhit (I had a lot of shots AT goal, which dammit, NHL 2002 doesn't keep track of). On one side, you had a great Sabres squad with Drury, Danielle and Maxim for Men (who must have a "speed rating" of 99). The home team was a so-so Devils group, with Gomez, Gionta and Madden, but also Grant Marshall (on the first line?), Mogilny (who barely played that season) and Kozlov (who in typical Russian fashion, dogged it all year) and spotty defense. However, the Devils still had Marty in goal so it all added up to a 4-0 shutout. (Sounds like their entire team history since 1994.) I checked later, and the Devils' team rating was actually one point higher than Buffalo, though seemed like they didn't have as much talent. I made Miller look silly on a Gomez breakaway, and on the final Langenbrunner goal, which he seemed to give up on (realism!) standing almost straight up as the puck sailed by like a Frisbee. He also looked silly wearing a black/red mask and pads with the blue/gold 3rd jersey, but that's not important when your save % is only .810.






Once I remember how to play (and lay down the BIG HIT), I'm going to switch to a higher difficulty level and perhaps start a playoff tournament with all of this season's teams in the mix.

(Anyone out there have the latest rosters for 2007-08?)