WRIST SHOTS: LET'S CELEBRATE THE BRUINS DEMISE

Nothing could bring me out of blogretirement faster than an epic choke.

Even though I can't root for the Flyers, how hilarious and Schadenfreudetastic was the Boston Bruins complete collapse in their 2010 Stanley Cup playoff series with the Flyers?  Was it the worst collapse in history?  Being up 3 games to none, and then up 3 goals to 0 in Game 7 at home, I'd have to say yes (even though Yankee fans might disagree).  And it couldn't happen to a nicer fanbase, as Boston "fans" are so quick to gloat about their "achievements", and also throw their teams under the bus.

Selected comments from the Boston.com Bruins Blog:

bostonalex wrote: F*CK THIS TEAM I'M DONE!!!! EVERY YEAR ITS THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ex-boston bruins fan

Awesome!  Way to stick with your boys through thick and thin, even when they don't win a championship every damn year!  This one is also priceless:

aceshigh502 wrote:

Fire them all. Chiarelli for not making a trade at the deadline, Julien for not keeping them motivated, and most of all CHARA FOR NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF BEING A CAPTAIN AND LEADER

You KNOW he'd be saying "Chara is WICKED AHHHSOME GO B'S" if they hadn't blown this series.  These are also pretty sweet.  

dreweagle09 wrote:

They will never get the fans back after this. 

They simply blew it. Big time. 

Just when fans were losing interest in the other Boston teams, the Bruins failed to take advantage of the support. 

I love how the Red Sox are one game under .500 and 8 games out in mid-May and fans are already "losing interest".  F*cking spoiled fairweather fans.  (I'm pretty sure the Yanks were 5 games back of Boston late last June--and we know how that turned out.)  

    

ipot wrote: This will be the infamous 2009-10 team that no one should ever mention again.

And I guarantee they just started mentioning the Bruins again when they made the playoffs again in 2007!  Blaming the media is a classic tactic too:

jim2000 wrote:

Thanks also to the never-ending jinxes of the Boston Sports Media who seemed to think the B's had won the series at 3-0. Nothing like giving the opponents some bulletin board fodder, guys.

amazinglarry wrote:

I would like to personally thank Jack Edwards for constantly bringing up the 3-0 in the Series and in the Game references... as usual, the random BS statistic crap he comes up with comes back to bite us in the butt. 

THANK YOU JACK

The Boston sports jinx!  But this is the topper:

dreweagle09 wrote:

Send a clear message to all pro sports teams: don't buy anything from them until they prove that they're sincere about winning. 

Tough economy. Save the money. Watch Hockey East instead. 

There's no other way. The B's have to be dismantled piece by piece if they're ever going to win us back. 

They don't deserve us.

The classic Boston "WE AHHH THE BEST FANS EVAHHH AND THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE AW-AH SCAAAHN!"  

Stay bitter, Boston "fans"!

Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Brian Snyder

WRIST SHOTS: GIVING THANKS FOR HOCKEY

I'm going to come right out and say this, and I know faithful reader(s) of this blog will be astonished by this Thanksgiving Eve admission. But here goes:

I am thankful for hockey.

There. I'm glad that's off my chest.

As I get older, I find that following professional sports doesn't pay dividends like it used to. It was once a fantastic and fun diversion to follow your favorite teams and players, revel over the incredible winning plays and improbable comebacks, and agonize over the crushing defeats and missed opportunities. But it's an emotional investment that I find myself unable to immerse myself in. And after being prescribed medication for high blood pressure, I realized that living and dying with your team just isn't worth it.

However, hockey is a fantastic sport to watch, follow, discuss, enjoy--and get borderline crazy over. It's fast paced with passes, hits and goals happening in the blink of an eye, and team momentum changing just as quickly. Some of the best talent the sport has ever seen is on the ice right now (OVIE! SID! MARTY!), and overall the NHL is highly competitive with every game worth watching and every team having a legitimate shot at the playoffs. It also features actual skilled athletes that are in shape, not morbidly obese men crashing into each other for 5 seconds before resting, chemically enhanced he-men swatting 600 foot dingers, or (god forbid) rednecks driving cars real fast in a circle. It's a true team sport in which defense is rewarded. It's the best sporting event to watch live, and at home it benefits the most from a widescreen, flicker-free HD broadcast. Additionally, there's very little dead time for color analysts to blather incessantly about the previous play, and for showing replays from 14 different angles. It's as close to perfect as you can get (despite commissioner Gary Bettman's endless attempts to screw it up).

The best thing about the NHL right now is that the casual fan has either tuned out since the lockout, or just aren't compelled to pay attention to it anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to a hockey fan. Who wants random people at work talking about the Rangers and Devils in the playoffs who didn't see one regular season game? Who needs people suddenly wearing their team's paraphernalia (sometimes in shades of pink-oh the horror!) only when they're playing well? Not me. I'm quite happy being a hockey fan that only has to discuss hockey with OTHER HOCKEY FANS. I used to bemoan the fact that ESPN and their ubiquitous SportsCenter barely covers the NHL, but now I cherish that reality. Everything ESPN touches turns to shit (Monday Night Football, NBA, sports highlight shows), so I'm happy that they don't give the sport the time of day. This way, I'm 100% sure I don't need to watch.

Yes, I'm thankful that hockey exists, one of the best things Canada has ever invented (along with back bacon, Bill Shatner and alcoholism). HOORAY HOCKEY!

AND LET'S GO DEVILS!

(I had to slip that in.)

Photo courtesy of AP

BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

CONGRATULATIONS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS

What can you say? The Penguins did it, and in dramatic fashion: they forced a Game 7 and won it on the road (first team since the 1971 Canadiens to do that) to claim the Cup. The final was a hard fought, close match-up, with no little controversy or nonsense, and the clinching game was a one goal thriller. That's all you can ask for as a hockey fan.

As for Sidney Crosby, I am genuinely happy for him, and you can count me as one of the hockey fans who will always root for him. He showed great leadership in this postseason, and let's not forget, he's only 21. Good lord. What the hell was I doing in my 21st summer? Taking a crappy ecology course at Rutgers so I could graduate college on time, and hoisting a lot of pints of Guinness. Meanwhile, this Kid is hoisting the ultimate hardware above his head.

In the end, this team didn't even need him (due to an injury in the 2nd, he only skated one shift in the 3rd), as the defense was rock solid, Mad Max Talbot scored two opportunistic goals and Flower didn't wilt under the pressure, even tallying a nice save against Lidstrom in the final second.

Evgeni Malkin earned the Conn Smythe by doing everything you could ask for in the playoffs (14 G, 22 A, 36 points in 24 games). Wait a second, who is his little Russian friend there with the polka-dotted bra? And honestly, who wears a Winnipeg Jets sweater to a Detroit game?



But hockey is, and always will be, a true team sport. In the end, this Penguins squad overcame 2-0 and 3-2 deficits to win it all without Sid or Geno scoring a goal in the last 3 games. That says a lot right there.

Oh, one other thing: SUCK IT MARIANNE!



The look on his face as the Penguins celebrate a goal is priceless. You can almost hear him saying, like GOB on Arrested Development, "I've made a huge mistake." Obviously, the Stanley Cup favorite next year is whomever he's playing against.

Additionally, not even NBCFUCKINGSPORTS could foul this up, and even let a few f-bombs drop onto their live broadcast during the celebration (yeah, I think they should know by now to keep the boom mikes at a safe distance). Honorable mention goes to my DVR, which allowed me to completely breeze by their intermission shows.

And in spite of the fact that the NHL runs the sport, we saw some great hockey this year. In closing, you have to love this Pens fan's sign: "HOSSA, THE ONLY CUP YOU'LL TOUCH IS ZETTERBERG'S".



CONGRATULATIONS, SIDSBURGH!

WRIST SHOTS: LOVE SIDNEY, HATE HATERS

Hi there, fans of the internets!

Yeah, I realize that I haven't been contributing to this blog much lately, and it's for a variety of reasons. First, I find that I have nothing to say. Second, while I waste a lot of time I rarely waste it on trying to find something to blog (that award would go to NHL 09 on the PS3). Thirdly, since hockey is in the title of this blog, I feel I have to address the Devils' disastrous demise in Game 7 a few weeks ago.

I'm still shocked. And stunned. I'm shocked AND stunned, as Brent Sutter said.

Basically, I'm not ready to talk about it.

Eh, maybe I'm as ready to talk about it as I'm ever going to be. The way it happened, a swift punch to the nuts out of nowhere, ranks right up there with the most miserable losses I've had to endure, like the New York Giants losing in OT to the L.A. Rams (and Willie "Fucking Flipper" Anderson) in 1990, Carlos Beltran watching strike three in 2006 to lose Game 7 to the Cards in Shea's last postseason game, and especially Matteau's lucky-ass winning goal off of Fetisov's skate in 1994. Only the players from Winona State probably felt worse after blowing their 7 point lead in the final 45 seconds to Barton. (Yeah, that's a deep cut, but a fantastic failure.)

I even said with about 4 minutes left that I felt really uncomfortable about the tenuous 3-2 lead the Devils were holding on to for nearly the length of an entire period. Sure, I say that at the end of most Devils games (as Rob can attest) and they more often than not prevail, but this current iteration of the Devils' defense was possibly the weakest Marty's had in front of him in quite some time. As it turned out, OT DID flash in front of my eyes . . . but I never would have predicted the unfathomable last minute collapse that ended their season. In the end, Marty had no one to blame but Marty. Epic fucking fail, indeed.

Of course, the shitdick Rangers fans cheering at the other end of the bar certainly didn't help. After hearing cheering upon the game tying Jokinen goal, I basically shouted across the room, "Hey, I was actually rooting for your Rangers to win!" This way, the two teams might play each other in the Eastern finals! Because more local teams in the playoffs = more gooder. You couldn't really blame them for their glee, after they witnessed Henrik and the Blueshirts' lackluster season snuffed out a mere half hour earlier in their own shitty Game 7, after having a 3 games to 1 lead on the Komrades. But really, suck it and suck it hard, jackass haters.

(And no, it doesn't make me feel better that Zach Parise is on the Sporting News All-NHL All-Star Team, and Crosby isn't.)

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As for the actual living, breathing NHL playoff teams, we're down to the FINAL FOUR. Yeah, it looks like we might get Wings vs. Pens again, but I'm secretly rooting for the Chicago Blackhawks (I guess it's no longer a secret). If they somehow figure out how to beat the Wings, I hope they take the Cup for the first time since 1961, leaving only the Cubs as the only remaining fantastic failure in all of Chicago sports.

Other thoughts:

* MAKLIN's first playoff hat trick was something to see. Like OVIE! he seems to have the ability to WILL the puck into the goal at times. But the sick impossible angle backhand (@ 1:25) that launched a thousand hats in the Pens' 7-4 Game 2 win was a thing of beauty:



Of course, shortly thereafter they cut to Malkin's parents celebrating in the stands--good god no, we don't need to see them up on KISS CAM in the Igloo! But OMG MALKIN looks JUST like his mom! So is he showing off for his mommy and daddy? Possibly. If so, I think the Penguins have to give them a Golden Ticket that allows them to attend any Penguins game at home or on the road.

* Why doesn't NBC Sports want to cover the Sidsburgh/Caniac series? It's easy to say it's because they suck a bag of dicks (so much so that perennial NFL windbag John Madden decided to retire). But I think there's another reason: they're so cheap that they don't want to move all of their equipment to Carolina just for one (or two, if necessary) weeken games. Instead, they can focus all of their sucking along the 285 miles of highway between Chicago and Detroit.

(Also, I think Doc Emrick hates going to Carolina. I don't know if this is true, but he made a comment during the pitiful Marty-enraging Game 4 loss about the fans notorious loudness being possibly alcohol-fueled. During the postgame show he was uncharacteristically somber, looking like he wanted to smack any random redneck Canes fan that crossed his path. Just sayin'.)

* I'll just say one thing about the whole SID vs. OVIE! debate: I'd kill to have either one on my team, but Sid has really stepped up and quieted the naysayers. Of course, I'm not among them; I've always liked The Kid, but he's proven this postseason to be The Man. The only negative thing I'll say about OVIE! (that you don't find with Sid) is that when he's not scoring, he gets frustrated and runs guys from behind and/or long after the puck is gone, but he gets away with a lot because he's so talented. But really, if you're starting a team and take one of them, I'll take whichever one is left. They're both incredible hockey players.

* Regarding Kronwall's ugly looking hit against Havlat in the Hawks Game 3 win last night: it was completely clean. Unfortunately, Havlat got caught with his head down trying to corral the puck. Let's put it this way: it's nothing worse than Scott Stevens has done in the playoffs Still, somehow Kronwall got a game misconduct and 5 minute major for . . . interference? How is it interference if a guy with the puck is cleanly checked? That's the weakest chickenshit call I've seen yet in the playoffs. If it's 4 minutes for roughing I'm okay with that, but that was pathetic because it doesn't even look like a penalty to me.



_________________________________________________


* Though I don't actively root against any teams (okay, except maybe the ones located in Philly), I have to admit I was giddy when the Bruins were handed their golf bags by the Hurricanes in OT in Game 7 (and his precious Celtics followed suit shortly thereafter). I'll say it again: Boston sports fans root for two things: the Red Sawks, and any other local team who happens to be winning at the time. No one else sums up this town's fairweather fandom like ESPN überdouche Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons. He twatted that he was pissed that he had to pay $75 for NHL Center Ice just to watch the Bruins play in Game 7 from his SoCal mansion. You might recall that he's the guy who wrote that the NHL was DEAD TO HIM during the rough patch while the Bruins were missing the playoffs. He even devoted a whole snarky column making fun of the NHL during their 2007 draft, and signed off with the following declaration:

As for the rest of the NHL, I'll see you in 12 months for the 2008 draft. And not a second before.

Well, guess what? He was back last April (less than 10 months later!) because the Bruins were back in the playoffs, and now he's got the stones to complain about paying to see the Bruins lose Game 7. What a lying, douchetastic Masshole bandwagon fan. And the foul fandom that calls itself "Red Sox Nation" (ugh) deserves nothing less than this twunt as their self-nominated president. I hope this latest turn of events turns him off the NHL, because we don't need him watching or commenting on hockey.
_________________________________________________

So I don't know if anyone is watching but it's been a fantastic Cup playoffs so far. And while I'm jinxing teams, allow me to say . . . LET'S GO HAWKS!

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

WRIST SHOTS: CUP CRAZINESS

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! I used to post a big ridiculous preview extravaganza, but that grew tiresome. Instead, let's take a look at the local matchups, and make a few quick picks.

Devils (3) vs. Hurricanes (6). What a strange season it was for the Devils. It was supposed to be a year-long Marty Party, as the team celebrated his setting career records for wins and shutouts and cemented his legacy as one of the best goalie ever. Instead, he got injured early on and merely bookended the season in goal, looking vulnerable for the first time in his career. The team was deep enough to rally with Clemmensen replacing him, but seemed to relax too much on defense once he returned. I have no doubt this team can focus for the playoffs, play tight D and score goals with their Zach-aided Attack, but how deep can they go? As always, it's on Brodeur. Regardless, I like their chances in this series. Devils in 6.

Rangers (7) vs. Capitals (2). If you thought the Devs had a weird season, the Rangers' season may have been weirder. The Blueshirts blasted out of the box, winning their first 10 of 13 games. Then, just as suddenly the goals dried up, the defense looked like a sieve, and the team played dull, unmotivated hockey games that mostly ended in shootouts, and before long Renney the Robot was shown the door. John "Asshat" Tortorella semi-righted the ship, and while Drury and Gomez thrive in this scenario, and Gavery's douchebaggishness can't be counted out, Lundqvist will have to play perfect between the pipes for them to win. The scary thing is, he can. I have to be honest: besides the irrepressible OVIE! and Mike Green, I don't particularly like this Caps team very much, and I certainly don't see them being carried by Theodore. Rangers in 7.

My Blognostications. From the beginning of the season, I got 6/8 of the playoff teams correct in each of the two conferences (my incorrect picks being Buffalo, Ottawa, Minnesota and Edmonton). I deserve some sort of medal for that, right? Okay, I blew it by not picking Boston, but getting St. Louis has to count for something. Oh, and thanks again, Sabres, for letting me down once again.

Battle of the Keystone State. I have to say that although it's not the fashionable thing to do, I'm rooting hard for Sid and the Pens, who got hot at just the right time (and MAF picked up his game as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team--no, it had nothing to do with the coaching change). I want them to crush the phucking Philthy Lyers.

Teams That Piss Me Off And I Just Wish Would Go Away. Along with Philthy Lyers, the Ducks and the Predators just annoy me.

Welcome To The Big Ice Dance. Columbus, glad you could make it. Congratulations on your first playoff berth. Your reward? The Detroit Fucking Red Wings. Ugh, this will be ugly. Whichever Mason they have is going to have to stand on his head to get out of the 1st round.

The Team Least Built For The Playoffs. Normally, this is where I shit in the Sharks' tank, but I think they will fare much better this season. Meanwhile, the Bruins cruised through the regular season with a surprise goalie tandem, finesse scorers, and very little toughness or defensive defensemen (except for Chara)--all things that just don't add up to postseason success. I think this is where the road ends. But hey, Beantown will always have BU's NCAA championship to hang their helmets on.

Canadian Team Most Likely To Succeed. Much to Gary "Fucking" Bettman's dismay, 50% of the teams from the Great White North are in the second season. Out of the 3, I have to say Calgary will go the furthest, as I'm just not impressed with Montreal (mainly due to Jesus Price's shoddy tending), or Vancouver (and their lack of scoring).


Surprise Team That Could Make The West Finals. The Blackhawks. I just like their young talent, and their young talented female ice girls.

Congratulations to the Islanders, for getting the #1 pick in the NHL Draft. All of that intense sucking finally paid off!

In closing . . .



OHBFHL CHAMPS! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but then what the hell is the point of a blog if I can't do that? Let's just say that my KISS OF DEATH team won the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy Hockey League (OHBFHL) after a tense CHAMPIONSHIP FORTNIGHT battle with Kris' NO HOMERS squadron. It reminded me why I simultaneously love and hate fantasy leagues, and how they can be equal parts fun and frustrating: getting the other managers to give a shit, picking up players who suffer season-crippling injuries (which was my forte), choosing to go with a goalie right as he's about to shit the crease -- it's all part of the game. All I know is that I earned that bottle of single malt I'm going to receive soon.

WRIST SHOTS: A BUSY WEEK

A lot has happened since the last semi-irregular installment of Wrist Shots, so let's get into it.

* Tom "Robot" Renney was fired as the New York Rangers coach, after losing to a terrible Toronto team in overtime, adding to the teams' recent slump. The most poignant parting video clips of him were when the Rangers tied the game with 25 seconds left, and then lost in OT: HE DIDN'T REACT AT ALL. Not a fist pump, not a grimace, not a sigh: NOTHING. Now, I know it's not necessary to show emotions to succeed as a coach (see: Joe Torre and Bill Belicheat), but this guy was a complete flat line. When asked for comment after the game, Computing Operational Athlete Control Hardware (COACH) Renney streamed the following message to the media: "010011010010010011001010." I'm sorry, but that just does not compute. When a team is reeling as badly as this one is, you have to hold someone accountable, or at least exhibit some sort of pulse, and the Renney 5000 did neither.

ROBOT BINARY SOLO!



John "Asshat" Tortorella was hired to replace him, and he immediately paid dividends last night: got Wade Redden to score his first goal since 2002! No, actually, they lost to the same terrible Toronto team, but they made it all the way to the goal-off shootout this time, so they're much improved. (Hey, Torts can't score goals for them . . . or can he?) It remains to be seen if the players decide they want to play for their new coach; regardless, I'll be DVRing all of the press conferences hoping to catch a random expletive. If the Rangers fail to make the playoffs, next up on the chopping block: Glen Sather. I heard a comment on XM the other day that he's starting to make Isiah Thomas' tenure at MSG look competent by comparison. Ouch.

* Meanwhile, somewhere in western New York/southern Ontario last Saturday, Sabres goalie Ryan "Genuine Draft" Miller sprained his ankle on an unfortunate, but not intentional, collision behind the net with Gomez. If he's hurt for an extended length of time, there go the Sabres' playoff chances. (Though even a limping Miller with one arm could probably outduel Fleury at this point.) While backup Patrick Lalime is a known entity (as in: we know he's medicore at best), who the hell is Jhonas Enroth? Is he one of the Jhonas Brothers? The one Miley Cyrus let get to 2nd base? Whoever he is, he's apparently not as good as a flu-laden Lalime. Not a good sign.

* In happy news for Devils fans (e.g. me), Martin Brodeur is back. His rehabbed arm will be tested tonight against the Avs, and I will be there in The Rock to witness it. He claims to be "in the best shape of his life", and in fact switched from bacon double cheeseburgers to bacon double turkey burgers. (I keed, I keed, because I love.) At this point, with 22 games left and a respectable playoff spot well within reach, I just want him to play well. I'm not asking for him to be shutout-brickwall-Vezina Marty . . . at least until the playoffs. Even though he had to be sent down to the minors as a result of taking Brodeur off IR, let's never forget Scott Clemmenson. His name is Scott Clemmenson.

His name is Scott Clemmenson!

(BTW, I did the math, and it would be cheaper to drive to Newark and park for $20 than to take the train--which is annoying since I'd PREFER to take the train. If they really wanted to give us an incentive to take mass transit, I should get a discount on the train just for showing my hockey ticket. But alas.)

LET'S GO MARTY! LET'S GO DEVILS!

(LET'S HOPE MY CAR IS STILL THERE AFTER THE GAME!)

We don't do a "Saves of the Year" here, but maybe we should. This stick save by Kiprusoff, stopping a sure Kyle Wellwood goal en route to a 4-3 goal-off Canucks win, is just amazing.

WRIST SHOTS: NEW YORK NEW YORK (AND NEW JERSEY)

This is it.

The Battle Of New York. The Clash Of The Inconsistent. We'll see what these two teams are made of tonight, if the Rangers can right the ship, if the Sabres can play their own game and cling to a playoff spot, and other cliches along those lines. For the first time all season, they could tie each other in the standings (BUF would be lower with one extra loss, but the same point total). I think this will be a good game, which could only be better if they played it on Lake Erie. I'm not sure why this rivalry doesn't get more press coverage, after these two teams played an inspired playoff series in the first season after the lockout. They could meet again in the first round of the playoffs this season, and I'd be all for that.

Adding to my fantasy league KISS OF DEATH roster: Manek Vanek broke his jaw, which has nothing to do with his skating/shooting ability, yet he's going to be out 2 months? Vanek is a sissy Eurobitch twunt.

Pop quiz, asshole: which duo has more goals this season?
1) Sid/MAKLIN, 2) Elias/Parise, 3) Marianne/Zoiderberg

If you said, 1 or 3, you're wrong! Zach "Attack" Parise and Patrik Elias (58 combined goals, vs. 47 and 55 for 1 and 3 above) have been astonishingly consistent this season, and are a big part of why the Devils are playing so well as of late. They're also 7th in the league in scoring, a stat you can use to shut up those idiots who insist they play a "boring brand of hockey". I honestly thought without Brodeur they'd struggle, but I forgot about how deep this team is (thanks, Sweet Lou Lamoriello!). Once they began to gel defensively, they took off. Beating Boston and San Jose in one week was a highlight, and although they predictably have played slugglishly against the two Floridian teams so far this week, I like their chances with Marty coming back in a month and not having to be pressured into winning right away. (Having said this, they will probably struggle tonight on Strong Island.)

One other note about Boston sports fans: before the Bruins resurgence the past two seasons, they were all but ignored by fans and the media alike for about a decade. Now, there's suddenly this GO BRUINS! bullshit everywhere you look. I hate to say it (no, actually I love to say it), but Boston fans are such frontrunners. Basically, they're all Red Sox fans who pretend to be huge fans of the other local teams only when they're succeeding. Eat it, Beantown!

Regardless, I'm going to Ginger Man this afternoon for the continuing Jeffuary celebrations (more to come). Afterwards I'll be visiting Lansdowne Road for the post-Ginger show, which would be the first bar I've ever been to that has the NHL Center Ice package. I can't believe there isn't an excellent hockey-centric bar in Manhattan or any of the boroughs; that's about the only thing the city lacks. I think it's time to open a bar appropriately named TOP SHELF.

In closing, the young hockey player from Mystery, Alaska who gets knocked out during practice and declares upon, er, "coming-to", "I'm a premature ejaculator!" -- he looks exactly like Sidney Crosby. Methinks they have a lot in common besides hockey.

GOALS OF THE YEAR: OVIE!!!!!!!1 (AGAIN) (2/18/2009)

I don't even know what to say any more, because this guy is ridiculous.

Yes, it's OVIE! scoring his Earth-leading 42nd goal vs. Jesus Price and the Habs on Jeffuary 18, 2009, which just might be the Goal of the Year.



He makes a great backhand pass off the boards to himself while spinning around to start the breakaway, and after being pulled down as he skates towards the crease, while sliding on his right side he somehow guides it in. "Unstoppable!" Indeed.

Okay, that's it, I'm dusting off my skates and playing some hockey again. (I'm not saying that I'd even be able to skate at all, but watching this guy makes me want to try.)

GOALS OF THE YEAR: RICHARD ZEDNIK (2/5/2009)

This one is just ridiculous. Richard Zednik vs. the Islanders on Jeffuary 5th, 2009.



That's unreal. The amount of skill, athleticism and concentration that went into scoring that goal is simply off the charts.

Rob pointed out that during "power skating" classes that we both took, part of the drill required you to "jump over the blue line". Well, it might sound easy but it was nearly impossible to do, so I can't imagine jumping over a sliding defenseman (even if it is an Islander defenseman, and one who happened to be crowned the worst player of the year at the All-Star break).

GOALS OF THE YEAR: DREW STAFFORD (2/4/2009)

Here's a nifty dangle followed by a through-the-legs move by Sabres winger Drew Stafford vs. Toronto's Mike Van Ryn to score against goaltender Justin Pogge, on Jeffuary 4, 2009.



It seems like an inordinate amount of highlight reels come at the expense of the Maple Leaves defense, so we can all thank god they're awful.

WRIST SHOTS: THE ALL-STAR BREAK

It's been an interesting first half of the season, I have to admit. I've watched more hockey, and payed closer attention thanks to the fantasy league (KOD!!!!!1), than ever before. The Devils sit in first place in the Atlantic (better than I thought they'd be without Marty), the Sabres are in 7th in the East (worse than I thought, with all their young talent), and the Rangers are showing signs of weakness. I think it will be an interesting stretch run for the rest of the season.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I just wanted to make a few comments about the Winter Classic.

THE GOOD.
Having the game at Wrigley Field featuring two Original Six teams: that's what the WC is all about. Despite the fact the stadium has been around for a century, there's an amazing lack of history. Really, since the 1908 World Series, what classic moments have occurred at the Frozen Confines? Not many. Sure, Ernie Banks hit his 500th, and the Bears won something or another. But you can't count things like "The First Night Game" as "history"; the team was simply too cheap to install lights before then.

(Just wondering: where did the snow come from? From the overhead views, I didn't see anything on the surrounding streets. I think they just trucked it in to make it look more wintery.)

The game was 100% Bettman free. I guess he's finally realized that he casts a pall on every event he attends, since he's been booed everywhere he goes since 1995.

THE BAD.
NBC. NBC Sports is simply the worst. First of all, Doc Emrick had laryngitis and had to bail out--strike one. Second, the rest of the crew had nothing to add except bullshit musings about the wind maybe playing a factor (it didn't). Also, the director seemed determined to never show a single faceoff on camera, and they were constantly one step behind what was happening on the ice, including this Seabrook hit:



HE CHECKED HIM INTO THE HOTEL! (Pierre, shut up with your nay-saying "dangerous" blabbering, that was a fun check that you only used to see the NHL '94 video game.)

THE UGLY. Yes, the game received good ratings, giving the NHL a serious boost in their self-esteem. But unfortunately, the league doesn't know what makes this game a classic, as evidenced by their comments about possible future games in Vegas and the Rose Bowl. They simply don't have any clue what makes this game "classic". No, it's not just because it's played in the winter, it's because it celebrates the game's long tradition as a winter sport. The NHL, meanwhile, will do anything they can to shit all over that tradition.

VIDEO TIME! Here's a great compilation of Top 10 Charity Point Goal-Off Circus Shots That Don't Really Count In The Stats (So Far).



Just one thing to say about this TSN Sportscentre (sic) video: THE GRAPHICS OBSCURE THE ACTION ON EVERY CLIP. Yeah, I know, they show multiple replays, but why does the clip description have to be in black across the middle of the screen? Put it at the top of the screen where the scoreboard already is! I don't know who to blame, so I blame ESPN.

ALL-STAR MEMORIES. This might be oft-injured (and now shelved for the season) Rick DiPietro's lasting legacy: dropping F-bombs on Versus.



"I fucked my hip up again." Eh, sit tight Fishstick Fans, he's got 12 more years to redeem himself!

ALL-STAR SNUBS. No, I'm not talking about those players who had good first halves and were not selected. Because let's face it: ASG is all about the star players you want to see, not who had a good 30-40 games this season, and I have no problem with Mike Modano being there instead of someone like David Krecji. So what if the fans in Montreal, Pittsburgh, Chicago and Anaheim stuffed the ballot box, and put Giguere and Komisarek in the lineup? That only means that they cared about this game the most, and thus they get to see their favorites.

The "snubs" I'm talking about are the players who declined to appear, like Crosby (who is allegedly hurt) and the two Red Wings, meaning that the defending Cup champs will send NO representatives at all. That's pathetic, and shows what little the players think of Bettman, the league and the fans in general.

Still, it will be fun to watch those who do show up play in a loose, defense-free environment and show off their skills for a change, even if it seems the game is quickly becoming an irrelevant novelty.

CAPTION CONTEST. According to the AP this is Gary "Bettan" gesturing during a press conference:



HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU CANADA, I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

UPDATE. OVIE in his AS duds--looking sharp.

GOALS OF THE YEAR: OVIE!!!!!!!1

Yeah, it's Ovechkin.

Again.

This one was vs. Ryan Miller and the Sabres on 12/26/2008.



Wow. Just, wow.

This is a better quality video (OVIE's goal is at 3:39).

WRIST SHOTS: IN THESE TROUBLED HOCKEY TIMES

In these troubled times (Media Cliche of The Year), it seems that more has been made about the NHL's off-ice follies than the on-ice action. Of course, this leads us to the whole Sean Avery kurfuffle whose douchey comment received a ridiculous amount of attention. This was most likely due to the post-election hangover, where the media was desperate for something to talk about (see also: Plaxico Burress).

But it's beyond silly to even get worked up about someone saying "sloppy seconds" during a pre-game interview, while a dozen rabid reporters eagerly awaited his every utterance. Yes, Sean Avery is an arrogant, narcissistic, self-promoting dickslap who thinks he's smarter than he actually is, mainly because he spends a lot of time around hockey players. But Gary "Fucking" Bettman was way out of line giving him a 6 game suspension, and Stars' GM Brett Hull was gutless by washing his hands of him. This was less about "offensive" words and more about the league wanting to "protect its image", and quiet a loudmouth who thought the league does a "lousy job of marketing its players". If the league had instead read a list of his crude, boorish behavior, and his general lack of respect for the game, his teammates, and everyone around him, they might have made a better case for his exile.

Neverthless, not discussed much during this whole debacle is the fact that this happened in Canada (some say Canada, others Calgary), where they don't have "free speech" as most people know it (thanks to Rob for the link). Also not discussed: how fucking horrible those sunglasses are for someone who claims to be fashion savvy.

But the most overlooked part of the equation is Canada's own Elisha Cuthbert, one of GAvery's former "girlfriends" who was implicated in this mess. Since her acting "career" is all but non-existent, I think she should use this golden opportunity to pose for Playboy. This way, everyone wins.

THE NEW MEDIOCRITY. The NY Times Slap Shot hockey blog (who I've linked to before) broke down the playoff standings last year using an alternate scoring system (3-2-1) to illustrate how deceiving the current NHL standings are. Jeff Z. Klein wrote a great article showing how the NHL standings system makes mediocre teams look much more impressive than they really are.

Let’s examine the record of a random team, like the Rangers. The N.H.L. tells us they’re 20-11-2. Wow, that sounds good — 20 wins, 11 losses, and 2 “OTL,” which seems like ties or kind-of ties. They’re a powerhouse, and Rangers fans should be really happy!

The reality, of course, is that 9 of those 20 wins came via overtime or penalty shootout, and those 2 “ties” are actually losses in OT or PS. And, you know, in the playoffs there is no four-on-four overtime or penalty-shot contest … just hockey, with five skaters a side and no guaranteed points for being tied after 60 minutes.

So the Rangers, when playing actual hockey during the 60 minutes of five-on-five with no points guaranteed for making it to overtime, have really won 11, lost 11 and tied 11. Hey, Scott Howson, isn’t that mediocrity? Yes, it is — and anyone who’s watched the Rangers will tell you that’s a far better reflection of reality than their official record, inflated as it is by their luckiness in penalty-shot contests this year.

As it stands now they're 12-11-12, and anyone who has watched this squad (and especially their defense) knows they're not dominant world beaters. But hey, they've won enough to lead the division and that's really all that counts in the NHL, where 22 of 30 teams are somehow above .500.

SHOOT THE SHOOTOUT. I really wish they'd do away with the shootout so we wouldn't even have the aforementioned scoring system problem. I honestly lose interest in a game if it's not won in regulation or the brief overtime session, and usually just turn it off. Furthermore, some people have complained about this shootout spin-o-rama goal by Jason Blake (okay, Devils fan Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski did), but I think it's a brilliant move.

While some like Bobby Holik have said it's "bullshit" and "un-hockey" and others claim it's "illegal" (since the puck isn't moving forward at all times), I personally have no problem with it. Since the shootout is already gimmicky, I say anything that lets the players show off their creativity and skill should be encouraged. As it is now, players only seem to go with two different moves: come in wide and try to go five-hole, or come in slow and try to bury it one of the top corners. Rarely do they show off their skating and puckhandling skills. Isn't that whole purpose of this tacked-on sideshow?

GOAL OF THE YEAR? This happened way before Turkey Day (Nov 26, in a 3-1 loss versus Jesus Price and Les Disciples), but I'm just getting around to it now. At this rate I should be done with my Christmas shopping by January 15th. Anyway, check out Johan Franzen turning O'Byrne inside out (poor kid had a rough month) before netting this ridiculous backhand shot.



THE WAR ROOM. They had a little piece about the Toronto instant replay HQ during one of the MSG games a few weeks ago. I envisioned a giant high ceilinged suite with giant screens, or maybe something like the police station in the underrated Minority Report. But it wasn't even close to being anywhere near hi-tech as that; it was more akin to an air traffic control room, but more depressing. One of the things they bragged about was their 3 HDTVs that they use for replays, along with several video walls split into 4 different games. Go back and read that again: only 3 of their monitors are in full HD. And when they showed a "replay official" in action, the special TiVo-like unit that they used showed a pixilated mess that looked worse than my Cablevision HD feed. Are you kidding me? This is what the league is using to decide winners and losers. Astonishing.

I'M SICK OF THE WORD 'BAILOUT'. Despite layoffs at MLB, NFL and the arena league shutting down for a year (okay, that last one is no shocker), Gary "Fucking" Bettman claims the NHL is doing well. Is he whistling in the dark, or is the league actually financially solvent? I would be willing to bet that if this recession keeps up, a heaping handful of teams will suddenly cry poverty, perhaps shutting down the weakest teams. I have no problem with that happening. I just hope the Canadian government doesn't intervene and bail them out.

INTERESTING QUOTE: "It ended up coming to me, bouncing, and I knew that if I would just turn around and shoot it that Price is solid in there, so I had to get him off because I was in so tight. I just tried to put it between my legs and it worked out." Allegedly, Thomas "Manic" Vanek was talking about hockey. I'm not convinced.

CHITOWN CAM. This is officially cool: a webcam showing the construction of the Wrigley Field Winter Classic rink. I can hardly believe it's only 13 days away. The long range forecast for Jan 1 in Chicago calls for a high of 23, windy and colder with sleet, freezing rain and snow. Yecch, that could be a mess. The question is: will the wind be blowing out or in at the Friendly Confines? And who would win a hockey game: the 1990-91 Blackhawks or a whole team of mini-Ditkas? I just hope it goes off without a hitch . . . whoops.

Finally, Happy Birthday to Alyssa Milano, who turned 36 today. Naturally, that calls for pictures of her sporting her "touch" line of sports-related clothing (or less).







Remember the 80's? And is that a Claude Lemieux jersey she's got on?