WRIST SHOTS: LET'S CELEBRATE THE BRUINS DEMISE

Nothing could bring me out of blogretirement faster than an epic choke.

Even though I can't root for the Flyers, how hilarious and Schadenfreudetastic was the Boston Bruins complete collapse in their 2010 Stanley Cup playoff series with the Flyers?  Was it the worst collapse in history?  Being up 3 games to none, and then up 3 goals to 0 in Game 7 at home, I'd have to say yes (even though Yankee fans might disagree).  And it couldn't happen to a nicer fanbase, as Boston "fans" are so quick to gloat about their "achievements", and also throw their teams under the bus.

Selected comments from the Boston.com Bruins Blog:

bostonalex wrote: F*CK THIS TEAM I'M DONE!!!! EVERY YEAR ITS THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ex-boston bruins fan

Awesome!  Way to stick with your boys through thick and thin, even when they don't win a championship every damn year!  This one is also priceless:

aceshigh502 wrote:

Fire them all. Chiarelli for not making a trade at the deadline, Julien for not keeping them motivated, and most of all CHARA FOR NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF BEING A CAPTAIN AND LEADER

You KNOW he'd be saying "Chara is WICKED AHHHSOME GO B'S" if they hadn't blown this series.  These are also pretty sweet.  

dreweagle09 wrote:

They will never get the fans back after this. 

They simply blew it. Big time. 

Just when fans were losing interest in the other Boston teams, the Bruins failed to take advantage of the support. 

I love how the Red Sox are one game under .500 and 8 games out in mid-May and fans are already "losing interest".  F*cking spoiled fairweather fans.  (I'm pretty sure the Yanks were 5 games back of Boston late last June--and we know how that turned out.)  

    

ipot wrote: This will be the infamous 2009-10 team that no one should ever mention again.

And I guarantee they just started mentioning the Bruins again when they made the playoffs again in 2007!  Blaming the media is a classic tactic too:

jim2000 wrote:

Thanks also to the never-ending jinxes of the Boston Sports Media who seemed to think the B's had won the series at 3-0. Nothing like giving the opponents some bulletin board fodder, guys.

amazinglarry wrote:

I would like to personally thank Jack Edwards for constantly bringing up the 3-0 in the Series and in the Game references... as usual, the random BS statistic crap he comes up with comes back to bite us in the butt. 

THANK YOU JACK

The Boston sports jinx!  But this is the topper:

dreweagle09 wrote:

Send a clear message to all pro sports teams: don't buy anything from them until they prove that they're sincere about winning. 

Tough economy. Save the money. Watch Hockey East instead. 

There's no other way. The B's have to be dismantled piece by piece if they're ever going to win us back. 

They don't deserve us.

The classic Boston "WE AHHH THE BEST FANS EVAHHH AND THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE AW-AH SCAAAHN!"  

Stay bitter, Boston "fans"!

Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Brian Snyder

WRIST SHOTS: CUP CRAZINESS

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! I used to post a big ridiculous preview extravaganza, but that grew tiresome. Instead, let's take a look at the local matchups, and make a few quick picks.

Devils (3) vs. Hurricanes (6). What a strange season it was for the Devils. It was supposed to be a year-long Marty Party, as the team celebrated his setting career records for wins and shutouts and cemented his legacy as one of the best goalie ever. Instead, he got injured early on and merely bookended the season in goal, looking vulnerable for the first time in his career. The team was deep enough to rally with Clemmensen replacing him, but seemed to relax too much on defense once he returned. I have no doubt this team can focus for the playoffs, play tight D and score goals with their Zach-aided Attack, but how deep can they go? As always, it's on Brodeur. Regardless, I like their chances in this series. Devils in 6.

Rangers (7) vs. Capitals (2). If you thought the Devs had a weird season, the Rangers' season may have been weirder. The Blueshirts blasted out of the box, winning their first 10 of 13 games. Then, just as suddenly the goals dried up, the defense looked like a sieve, and the team played dull, unmotivated hockey games that mostly ended in shootouts, and before long Renney the Robot was shown the door. John "Asshat" Tortorella semi-righted the ship, and while Drury and Gomez thrive in this scenario, and Gavery's douchebaggishness can't be counted out, Lundqvist will have to play perfect between the pipes for them to win. The scary thing is, he can. I have to be honest: besides the irrepressible OVIE! and Mike Green, I don't particularly like this Caps team very much, and I certainly don't see them being carried by Theodore. Rangers in 7.

My Blognostications. From the beginning of the season, I got 6/8 of the playoff teams correct in each of the two conferences (my incorrect picks being Buffalo, Ottawa, Minnesota and Edmonton). I deserve some sort of medal for that, right? Okay, I blew it by not picking Boston, but getting St. Louis has to count for something. Oh, and thanks again, Sabres, for letting me down once again.

Battle of the Keystone State. I have to say that although it's not the fashionable thing to do, I'm rooting hard for Sid and the Pens, who got hot at just the right time (and MAF picked up his game as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team--no, it had nothing to do with the coaching change). I want them to crush the phucking Philthy Lyers.

Teams That Piss Me Off And I Just Wish Would Go Away. Along with Philthy Lyers, the Ducks and the Predators just annoy me.

Welcome To The Big Ice Dance. Columbus, glad you could make it. Congratulations on your first playoff berth. Your reward? The Detroit Fucking Red Wings. Ugh, this will be ugly. Whichever Mason they have is going to have to stand on his head to get out of the 1st round.

The Team Least Built For The Playoffs. Normally, this is where I shit in the Sharks' tank, but I think they will fare much better this season. Meanwhile, the Bruins cruised through the regular season with a surprise goalie tandem, finesse scorers, and very little toughness or defensive defensemen (except for Chara)--all things that just don't add up to postseason success. I think this is where the road ends. But hey, Beantown will always have BU's NCAA championship to hang their helmets on.

Canadian Team Most Likely To Succeed. Much to Gary "Fucking" Bettman's dismay, 50% of the teams from the Great White North are in the second season. Out of the 3, I have to say Calgary will go the furthest, as I'm just not impressed with Montreal (mainly due to Jesus Price's shoddy tending), or Vancouver (and their lack of scoring).


Surprise Team That Could Make The West Finals. The Blackhawks. I just like their young talent, and their young talented female ice girls.

Congratulations to the Islanders, for getting the #1 pick in the NHL Draft. All of that intense sucking finally paid off!

In closing . . .



OHBFHL CHAMPS! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but then what the hell is the point of a blog if I can't do that? Let's just say that my KISS OF DEATH team won the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy Hockey League (OHBFHL) after a tense CHAMPIONSHIP FORTNIGHT battle with Kris' NO HOMERS squadron. It reminded me why I simultaneously love and hate fantasy leagues, and how they can be equal parts fun and frustrating: getting the other managers to give a shit, picking up players who suffer season-crippling injuries (which was my forte), choosing to go with a goalie right as he's about to shit the crease -- it's all part of the game. All I know is that I earned that bottle of single malt I'm going to receive soon.

WRIST SHOTS: FINAL THOUGHTS

This is my final collection of blogified thoughts on the end of the 2007-08 NHL season. Enjoy.

The Penguins scored their final goal of the season in the closing minutes of Game 6 on a 'light hooking' (as CBC put it) penalty to make it a close game. If the Pens had managed to tie it up and win in OT, you just KNOW that the conspiracy theorists would have had a field day. Again, the NHL and Bettman are not smart enough to "fix" the outcome of four consecutive 7 game series.

Dan Cleary became the 1st Newfoundlander to hoist the Cup. It's about time! What took you guys so long? What else is there to do up there except skate and eat back bacon? This article interviewed his old junior coach, Dick Power. No, I had nothing interesting to add, I just wanted to say "Dick Power".

FUN FACT: Did you know that the Devils were the first team to give each individual player their own personal time to skate with the Cup? This was their way of stating that the team is more important than the individual, which was certainly true of that 1995 team. Additionally, during that same postseason Devils fans also invented the "Let's Boo Gary Bettman At The Arena", when the NHL boneheadedly announced to possible relocation of the team to Nashville, a microcosm of this regime's cluelessness and utter disregard for the fans.

On that note, I noticed that the PA announcer didn't even announce Bettman's name before he handed out the hardware and he quickly went into his speech, most likely to ward off the inevitable chorus of boos. Once he relinquished his icy grip on the Cup (why does he have to touch it creepily?) and handed it over to the Wings, we got to witness the most boring Cup celebration I've ever seen. I'm not saying they should be disturbingly orgasmic like Messier in 1994, but could someone show some emotion? You're on national TV! Only Dallas Drake looked excited to be hoisting it, probably because this is the first time he could do so in his 16 years in the NHL. This whole team is boring, but luckily for them personality doesn't win championships. Just ask Niklas Lidstrom, who was the first European captain to win th . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(While we're at it, the New York Giants invented the Gatorade bath after a big victory. Say what you want, but a lot has happened in that Jersey Swamp.)

The ratings were great for this Penguins/Red Wings series, and I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets. Game 5's OT marathon were the highest since the final game before the lockout (Carolina's Cup clinching game), and last night matched the 2003 finals, which was (not coincidentally) the last matchup between two U.S. teams. I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets, and NBC committed to showing the games in prime time without interruption. But the fact that the sport is JUST NOW getting back to the pre-lockout numbers from 3 years ago makes these latest numbers not that big a deal to me.

Tiger Woods was being a bit dickish when he said "no one watches hockey anymore". Well, no one watches golf when you're not in the field, smart arse! That being said, I'm looking forward to him winning the US Open at Torrey Pines next weekend.

I question the complaints about Detroit having a hard time selling out playoff games because of "the economy". So does this mean the economy is booming in Pittsburgh? What about Buffalo, where they sell out every home game? No, those cities aren't exactly rolling in money either; in fact, these cities are the top 3 declining markets in the nation. I think it means there are better hockey fans in those cities (who also have nothing better to do with their free time and money).

Thanks to Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski and the crew over at Yahoo! for their fantastically funny live blogs during the finals. Puck Daddy had the line of the night (while he can no longer curse over at the Exclamation Point, he can still bust out a cancer joke), but the most shocking revelation was that someone in Indonesia checked in who couldn't watch the game and was listening on NHL Radio. It (thankfully) made me forget about the juvenile taunts and Cindy Crosby jokes that were coming every 15 seconds. Technology is pretty amazing when you stop and think about it.

While I was obviously rooting for a Game 7 on Saturday night, I would have been blind drunk by then and may not have been able to fully appreciate it.

Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings, and also to the Penguins for a great season (unfortunately for fans of the other teams in their division like me, I think this team is going to be a contender for a while).


(Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images)

2007-08 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: DETROIT RED WINGS

The Sidsburgh Penguins put up a good fight (even scoring a late PP goal, and nearly tying it with time running out), but they finally lost to a talented Red Wings team in Game 6, 3-2.

This is the Wings' 4th Cup in 11 years, as Niklas Lidstrom became the first European-born captain to win it. This was an enjoyable series with two very worthy teams fighting for the championship. And while I'm sad hockey season is over, I'm also glad I don't have to hear the words "Bettman", "goalie interference", and "obstruction" until October.

Here's Conn Smythe winner Henrik Zetterberg (and some little schmuck) and the Stanley Cup.



(Man, that thing sure looks pretty in HD.)

In one of the weirdest and funniest plays I've ever seen, the eventual game winning goal went in off of MAF's ass, as he attempted to sit on the live puck.



ASSGOAL!

Congratulations Detroit!


(Again, if you trusted my blognostication, shame on you.)

(Photos by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images, AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

WRIST SHOTS: THERE WILL BE A GAME SIX

SYKO!

At 12:47 A.M. EDT Petr Sykora scored to finally finish off Game 5, 4-3. Apparently, he called his winning goal before the game 3rd overtime period. Who does he think he is, Messier?

After blowing a 2-0 goal lead early in the 3rd, the Penguins got a game-tying tally from "Mad" Maxime Talbot with :35 left with the goalie pulled. After the Wings took a 3-2 early in the 3rd and clamped down on D, I was so sure they were going to win this one that I took two Tylenol PM with 5 minutes to go. After 2 OT, I almost made a pot of coffee to keep me awake.

The 1st OT was all Wings (13-2 SOG), the 2nd OT was dominated by the Pens, and the 3rd ended 10:03 in, on a PP goal after a Hudler high stick double minor.

Bloomin' Marc made 55 of 58 saves for the win.

What a fantastic game. So the hockey season will continue for at least one more night (Game 6 is tomorrow night).

Great work by the Puck Daddy crew over at the Yahoo! Live Blog, who kept me laughing the whole time. The user comments who are "conspiracy theorists" crack me up, who simultaneously insist that the penalty calls prove that the NHL "wants the Penguins to win" and that "Bettman is an idiot". First of all, how can both of those statements be true? Secondly, you're giving the league way too much credit. Anyway, I wish this LIVE BLOGGING stuff was around during the 2003 Stars/Devils series, to keep me sane during those long OT games.

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

WRIST SHOTS: GARY ROBERTS TRIBUTE VIDEO

I don't know if Gary Roberts will singlehandedly beat the Red Wings tonight in Game 3, but this tribute song/video to him is hilarious.



"When Gary Roberts plays Monopoly, it actually effects the world economy!"

WRIST SHOTS: PANIC IN DETROIT

WTF happened to the "marquee matchup" we were supposed to get?

The Stanley Cup finals just started, but they already feel like they're over. They've only played two games in Detroit but it's already apparent who is the better team. I think Sidsburgh's ill-fated goal-free visit to Hockeytown can be summed up by Flipper's deal-sealing goal in last night's 3-0 Game 2 win.

The Red Wings have outshot, outworked, and outplayed the Penguins in every facet of the game. While Crosby has been working hard, Maklin has been invisible (being put on the 3rd line last night surely didn't help), the D has been spotty and mistake-prone, and Bloomin' Marc once again looks like his ordinary self.

Detroit is a talented team, there's no denying that. But man, once they get a lead they clamp down with that trap just as severely as the those NJ Devils Cup winning teams everyone complains about. I don't have a rooting interest here so I just want to see some great hockey (and I'm just hoping for a long series, which has all but slipped away) but that 3rd period in Game 1, and most of Game 2, was nearly impossible to watch.

Sure, it's only two games and a lot can still happen in this series (he said optimistically), but it turns out that the Campbell Conference competitors are simply stronger. I'd feel better if the Penguins played two well-played, close-fought games at the Joe, but that clearly hasn't happened. Nah, the Pens had a good run through the East (they certainly fooled me), but this is over. Now Western Pennsyltuckians can focus on the Pirates--D'OH!

Anyone for golf?

STANLEY CUP COMMERCIAL

Since most of the time I'm on this blog making fun of the NHL's lousy commercials, this time I'm posting one they got right:



That's fantastic.

Penguins in 6.

MY OFFICIAL STANCE ON NHL OFFICIATING

Okay, this is the last time I'm going to say it: I'm so sick of people crying about the officiating in the playoffs.

Everyone sitting in their living room that has a huge HD screen providing them multiple camera angles and instant replays, as well as those watching NHL.TV on their computers and awful-quality replays on YouTube, obviously know better than the trained professionals who are watching the game in real time, skating up and down the ice, and communicating directly with the players and coaches to try to insure the two teams are playing a clean game. Give me a break.

Much has been made about "goalie interference" in this postseason. Here's the main problem with this infraction: despite what you might think, it's no longer a black and white "in the crease or not" foul, it's a judgment call that depends on the interpretation of the referee. Here's an excerpt from Rule 78: Protection of Goalkeeper:

The rule is based on the premise that an attacking player's position,
whether inside or outside the crease, should not, by itself, determine whether a
goal should be allowed or disallowed - i.e., goals scored while attacking
players are standing in the crease may, in appropriate circumstances be allowed.
Goals should be disallowed only if: (1) an attacking player, either by his
positioning or by contact, impairs the goalkeeper's ability to move freely
within his crease or defend his goal; or (2) an attacking player initiates more
than incidental contact with a goalkeeper, inside or outside of his goal
crease.

Yes, the way it's written is vague, and therefore the calls are going to vary depending on the situation, the flow of the game, the ref who makes the call and whether or not he's in the position to witness it. But if your team gets penalized for it once, I guarantee that there are 5 or 6 times it WASN'T seen and/or called. It's the ultimate "hindsight is 20/20" bullshit argument to go back and compare slo-mo replays of two different plays 5000 times and critique the refs. But it's just not realistic, and taken out of context, it's not fair.

I think a bigger problem is the NHL giving the officials specific instructions regarding which calls they should be focusing on. I heard on XM Home Ice the other day that there were something like 13 goalie interference calls in the first round, and only 2 in the second round (albeit, there are less games, but that's still a large difference). While it's possible the players "learned their lesson", I would be willing to bet that the NHL told their officials to "let them play" in most instances and allow more of those goals to count. After all, a 7-5 game is much better than a 1-0 OT game, right? (Right, Gary?)

Back in the day, the two teams would find out who was refereeing that night ("Crap, we got Kerry Fraser tonight!") and they knew what to expect. But they're no longer allowed to have their own refereeing "style", to call the game the way they see it and use penalties to control a game. The league wants them to be "consistent" throughout the playoffs, and I argue that it's impossible to do that if they're constantly being instructed, second-guessed and closely monitored in some secret room in Toronto.

The bottom line is this: the game moves incredibly fast, and everything can't possibly be called the way you think it should. If you think a team got jobbed on one call, there's an equally good chance they also got away with something during the same game. Just deal with it.

(But how did they wave off that goal in the Penguins/Flyers Game 3 (see picture)? Hey, it could be worse: you could have the IIHF officiating crew who allowed a goal in the Finland vs. USA game that went THROUGH the outside of the net.)

WRIST SHOTS: WHY I'M THE KISS OF DEATH

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are humming right along, with both Detroit and Pittsburgh holding commanding leads in their respective series. Once again, I really hope no one listens to me or reads my horrendous blognostications, as everything I've said has been a complete kiss of death. Let's wrap up what damage I've done so far.

CALLED BRIERE "DAN THE MAN" -- In 40:41 of ice time in 2 games, Danny has 2 shots, no points, a -3, and 2 PIM, as he's been hounded by Jordan Staal.

SAID FRANZEN WOULD "DISAPPEAR" -- Johan has been out since Game 1 with a concussion. (Hey, I was right about that one. No, I'm not proud of that.)

PRAISED MARTY TURCO'S POSTSEASON PERFORMANCE -- In 3 games vs. Red Wings, 3.71 GAA, 11 goals allowed on 86 shots (.872 SV%).

PROCLAIMED OSGOOD WOULDN'T STEP UP -- 1.33 GAA, 53 of 57 shots stopped (.930).

PREDICTED THAT DALLAS WOULD WIN -- They are down 3-0 and on the verge of being swept.

LIKED PASCAL DUPUIS -- 0 points, 4 PIM, 3 SOG.

SAID TO WATCH MODANO -- 2 total shots on goal (0 in Game 3).

Blech.

In other words, I'm done with the blognosticating and I'm just going to watch hockey from now on.

Happy golf season, everyone!

WRIST SHOTS: HIT BY THE RIBEIRO TRUCK

I spent the weekend at my sister's VERSUS-free household to see the family for Mother's Day and didn't see ONE SECOND of hockey: not a highlight, not a mention on ESPN (shocking!) or the local news, not a single online highlight reel. It was probably for the best, since the only thing that anyone is talking about is the ridiculous Game 2 Osgood butt-end/Ribeiro two-handed baseball swing to the chest protector/Osgood's excellent "I've just been shot by a sniper in the rafters" acting job. A stupid play by both of them.

However, I would be remiss if I didn't post Henrik Zetterberg's spectacular goal from the previous round (Game 4 vs. Colorado on 5/1/2008).



Egads! That might be the goal of the year. (And he's from EUROPE!)

I did get to listen to the Penguins radio call (via XM) of the Game 2 win against vs. the Lyers last night, featuring the imitable play-by-play announcer Mike Lange. After "Mad" Maxime Talbot scored what proved to be the winning goal he declared, "Oh, she wants to sell my monkey!"



I have no idea what that means but it cracked me up. For all those people who rant about his colorful calls, I say: GET A SENSE OF HUMOR. If you take away personality from hockey, you'd end up with something like the NBA or arena league football. (I suppose this is a backhanded endorsement of Don "Holy Crap What Is He Wearing?" Cherry, but so be it. Oh, I do agree with those annoyed by Tampa Bay's Dave Mishkin's screeching, though.)

One other note: VERSUS did end up showing the hockey game in HD on Friday. Whether or not it was due to voluminous fan complaints or a fleeting moment of common sense on the network's part, it was good to see. (Of course, I didn't actually get to see it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.) Any praise I give VERSUS will essentially be nullified if they decide to re-visit "puck tracking technology". Did you learn nothing from the horrid FOX glow puck?

Hey, if you weren't sick of Seth "Apatow's Bitch" Rogan already, he apparently plays hockey (or at least dresses the part, complete with Hanson Brothers-esque glasses) in Kevin Smith's new movie.

2008 STANLEY CUP CONFERENCE FINALS PREVIEW

And then there were four.

Though I only guessed two correctly last time around (Sidsburgh and Detroit), and seriously waffled on my choice of Dallas, I therefore give myself a grade of 2½/4. (It's my blog, so I can do that.) Kris only got 1/4 but let's face it: he's in France illegally bootlegging pirated NHL games through WorldWide interwebs file sharing (or so Congress understands it)--he's a menace to société. Anyway, let's once again reset the teams and look at the conference finals:

Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
(1) Detroit vs. (5) Dallas

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Johan Franzen. He's from Europe! He will disappear this round, as Turc 1.73 is 1000% better than Josie Theodoormat.
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Mike Modano. Last time I checked we're in America dammit, and now that the Canadians have already turned their attention to the IIHF, curling and competitive drinking, it's time to salute the "best American born forward married to a hot wife".
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Chris Chelios. I don't hate him per sé, just the fact that he's worn out his welcome and really should retire already. I am currently tied for playoff points with him, and I haven't skated in over a year.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Brad Richards. He's been lurking, but he's going to be a force in this series.
BEST PLAYOFF BEARD: Marty Turco, who is looking positively Steven Segalian.
X-FACTOR: Chris Osgood. Now that The Dominator has been relegated to bench warmer, it will be up to Ozzy to step up. He won't.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Stars in 7.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
(2) Pittsburgh vs. (6) Philadelphia

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Sidney Crosby. Yeah, that's redundant since everyone but Penguins fans are sick of him (even though he lives up to the hype).
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Dan "The Man" Briere. How is he not even on the Yahoo! NEB Top 10 Conn Smythe watch list (whatever the hell that is)? Oh, I see you're all in love with R.J. "Grilled" Umberger, who might one day be inducted into the Hall of Nice, but he's no Dan.
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Jarkko Ruutu is every bit a sharp pain in the spleen as Sean Avery, and now the entire country people who get VERSUS will get to meet him. Tied for first: nearly the entire Philthy Lyers squad, led by head douchebag Darien Hatcher.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Pascal Dupuis, mainly because I like saying his name. Try it with me: DOOO-PWEE. That's nice, isn't it?
BEST/WORST PLAYOFF BEARD: Dan "The Man" Briere/Sid "The Kid" Crosby. Their sad attempts to grow facial hair make Jack White look like Iron & Wine's Samuel Beam.
X-FACTOR: MAF. Has the #1 pick finally arrived? I'm not convinced he has, but the talent in front of him is scary good and he won't need to stand on his head (as Biron has been doing for Philthy) in order to win.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Penguins in 6.

BROADCAST SCHEDULE: [NHL] [VERSUS] [FRENCH TV]

UPDATE (3:36 PM): Game 1 of the Philthy @ Sidsburgh series will NOT be broadcast in HD on VERSUS, instead pre-empted in the US by a standard def golf show/replay of the TPC. What a complete joke. I was going to say that this is a case for ESPN/ESPN2 picking up the NHL, but that would mean we'd have to see Don Cherry's grotesque zoot suits in HD. Once again, Bettman sucks.

UPDATE (12:32 AM): Kris, The Biggest Sabres Fan In France, finally chimed in with his picks, and they look quite familiar:

Dallas over Wings
Sidsburgh over PHILTHY

WRIST SHOTS: HOCKEYSTATE

Apparently, the Wales Conference felt it appropriate to send two Pennsyltucky teams to the finals, from Hockeycity and Hockeyburgh, respectively. The Pens finally discarded the Rangers 3-2 in OT in Game 5, as 37 well-fed greater Sidsburgh residents suffered cardiac arrest. Meanwhile, 310 incredibly fucking boring miles away, the Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer read "FINAL FOUR FLYERS" the morning after their 6-4 Game 5 win, as they sadly mistook the hockey playoffs for the NCAA basketball tournament. Regardless, you've got a friend in Hockeyvania!

I spent this past weekend in Hockeycity attending a bachelor party, and there were actual loud cheers in the strip club when the Philthy Lyers sealed the deal with an empty net goal. Personally, I was cheering for the incredibly hot topless dancers (especially Nellie, who was very good at what she does--guys, I think she really likes me!), unlike the guy at the bar with the Umburger sweater (would it have killed him to dress up a little for the ladies?).

(One other question for Philthadelphia: why aren't there any diners open after the bars close at 2 AM? I guess I'm just spoiled living in the greater NYC area, but we had to wait a half an hour to get a cab and then endure a 15 minute cab ride to finally get our 3 AM breakfast. Ridiculous! Like comedian Paul F. Tompkins jokes about the endless choices that The City That Never Sleeps provides, "Oh man, if we were in New York right now, we'd be unwrapping a mummy.")

Meanwhile, the Habs collapse marks 14 years in a row that a Canadian team will not take home the Cup, which is just as Bettman intended.

The Campbell conference finalists are Detroit and Dallas, the latter taking 4 OTs to decide their Game 5. Due to a severe lack of sleep I slept through most of the Rangers game (until late in the 3rd) and thus ended up being wide awake for a good portion of the Stars/Sharks game--and what a doozy that was. Nabby nabbed a Richards shot in his mitt inches before crossing the line in the 1st OT, and Turco made a ridiculous kicking flop save in the 2nd OT to keep it going . . . which is when I decided to go to sleep. Brenden Morrow, who delivered a crushing hit at the end of regulation to knock Milan Michalek into next season, netted the game winner 9:03 into the 4th OT (at 3:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time, 5 hours 14 minutes) on the PP after a costly Brian Campbell tripping call. This may or may not be payback for Morrow, depending on how you feel about his disallowed goal in Game 4. Unfortunately, Kris forgot to set his alarm to catch the end of it over in Aquitania (which I believe is the fictional land depicted in Waterworld).



(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

A HOCKEY PROPOSAL

I've been watching (or 'following' is probably a better word due to the 6-hour delay between EST and Central European Time) a lot of playoff hockey this year, as have many people, and the playoffs have not been a let-down. N° 8 seed Boston took the Habs to 7 games in the East and the N° 6 seed finished them off (say what you will about those crazy Quebecois rioting after the first round, but I think they knew that would only have one shot at it this year - after Round 1).
The future of hockey (Crosby and that little bitch Malkin) are playing inspired hockey in the East and look to be the current favorite to take the cup. Out West, saw the 5 and 6 seeds win their quarterfinal matchups with the Flames almost making in to the semis as the 7 seed.

With the league discussing making the season longer, I wonder if that is not the wrong move. I don't think that TV viewership is up in the regular season and who honestly, even among the most diehard of fans, really cares if their team plays 82 or 84 games during the regular season? The members of this blog have many a time discussed [over many a brew] introducing a relegation-type system to the NHL. While this is probably not possible in the short-to-mid-term, since the current system has most of the minor league teams as feeder teams for the NHL, there is a way: Extend the playoffs and reduce the regular season. This would effectively create a second season that would follow a 65-70 game regular season. By extending the playoffs to 12 teams from each Conference, you would add a round to the playoffs. Except for the worst three teams in each conference, each team would still play at least 70-75 games in the season (meaning at most they would lose 4 homes games).

The variation on this would be to give teams 1-4 a bye in the first round and seeds #5-12 would play a 5-game series. This way there would be a serious push to try to be in the top 4 seeds (no more conference leaders being 1-3; pure points only for seeding) and the #11 and 12 teams would have a chance to advance. Another benefit would be that the Leaves would have to try even harder to not make the playoffs. There would be motivation at all levels. Except for Tampa Bay in the East and the LA Kings in the Campbell, everyone had a chance to be the #12 seed this past season.

• The thing with the playoffs that I find great is that there's much less general goonery; yeah fighting is fun, once in a while, but virtually guaranteeing a fight every game is repetitive and it's always the same punks that do it.
• The intensity level is higher in the playoffs. Since you aren't playing for points anymore, you need to score every night to win.
• Anything can happen in the playoffs. Look at the Lyers. No one gave them much of a chance at the beginning of the season (hell, the beginning of the playoffs), but they're legitimate contenders at this point. And Montreal proved that having the best record in the conference means absolute dick in the playoffs.

Obviously there are many details to work out, but one of the biggest problems with hockey is the length of the season. I like watching as many games as possible, but each game only counts 1/82 towards the final result and with the idiotic scoring system, you could win 10 games and lose every other game in overtime and still possibly make the playoffs (20 points for the 10 wins and 72 points for 72 losses in OT would have been 8th place out West and 9th place in the Prince of Wales Conference this season). For the most part, the last 1/3 of the season that really counts (look at Ottawa who started off real strong and then almost didn't make the playoffs and then got bitch-slapped by Malkin & Co.). This would make the final 1/3 of the season start earlier and would make more games mean more.

Couple of notes:

• The Pens fans may be as bad as the Lyers fans. I hope that these two teams kill each other in the playoffs, literally.
• I will find myself in the unenviable position of rooting for the Campbell conference champ. As a Sabres fan, it is immoral to want to Stars to win and the Wings leave me indifferent. But I can't stand either of the Pennsylvania teams.
  
• Please shut the fuck up about "state of hockey"[via Experts Blog]; no one ever talks this shit when the playoffs have 3 NY teams (Buffalo is part of that great state) or when the Rangers meet the Devils in the Conference finals (although they're in different states it's only like 16 miles between the two arenas). Meh, I guess if I lived in PA I would need some kind of vague hope too.
• The people who troll on Yahoo! are possibly the stupidest people in the world. Jeff already talked about Yahoo! Answers!, but since the Great Wyshynski 's been over at Yahoo! Sports! NHL! Experts! Blog!!! I've been reading over there (nothing against Deadspin, it's just he's a great hockey mind) and the trolls that post comments are fucking retarded. Nearly every post has at least 5 people that respond "GOOOOOO PENS! Whooooo!" Isn't there somewhere else they can go that would bother me less?

[photo credit: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images]

WRIST SHOTS: YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE JOHAN

I probably shouldn't have referenced an Adam Sandler movie, but there it is. The Red Wings sweep the Avs with an 8-2 blowout win, on the strength of a Johan Franzen hat trick, which I predicted. (Hey, if you make enough blognostications, one of them is going to be right.)

Meanwhile, the Rangers stay alive with a 3-0 Game 4 win. I agree with Rob, the slew footing moves by Malkin are total bullshit. If he wasn't a Hart nominee, more people would be talking about this as a bush league move. But on the other hand, that Malkin shot should have been called a goal as the puck was in before the goal was knocked off its moorings. Game 5 in Sidsburgh on Sunday.

WRIST SHOTS: DAN THE MAN

We've called you Danielle and Daniella. We've questioned your fortitude and your manhood, especially come playoff time. We've doubted you would ever perform at a high level when it counted.

This time around, we were wrong.

We definitely underestimated you, Daniel (the English pronunciation, not the sissy French one that makes you think of prominent chefs). With 14 postseason points (8 G, 5 on the power play) in 11 games, you have more than proven yourself, Danny. Actually, scratch that: you are now Dan the Man.

Your plus/minus in the regular season was -22, making the big free agent signing by the Philthy Lyers look like a misfire. Though you have definitely been boosted by the trade deadline addition of new BFF Vaclav "Vinnie" Prospal, you've been the catalyst for this resurgent squad. Your goal late in the 3rd period of Game 4 last night gave your Lyers a 2-0 lead, which they would eventually win 4-2 with a late PP goal, to help them take a commanding 3-1 series lead against the Canadiens.

Mr. Briere, I hope you weren't offended by the name-calling on this silly little blog. We're really sorry about that. Rest assured, for the remainder of the postseason, when you sit down with your morning poutine and read the latest Open Hockey blog post, you will not be referred to using a girl's name.

(No, I'm still not rooting for the Phucking Lyers, but I thought I at least owed Dan an apology.)

In semi-non-related news, the bachelor party I was supposed to attend in Montréal this weekend has been cancelled due to a "scheduling conflict" (there's a 63% chance this decision was "future wife related") and the festivities moved to Philadelphia. That's right: The City of Cheesesteaks, The City of Brothers Who Are In Love With Each Other, or as I like to call it, The City That's Frequently Caught Napping. So I will not be driving to Canada, putting on a Habs sweater and celebrating a Flyers clinching game by burning a few police cars, making "contact" with a few dancers, and punching anyone wearing orange. Instead, I will be in Philly with non-sports fans sharing a case of Yuengling from Liquorama in Camden, and maybe visiting one of the fine gentlemen's clubs right off the entrance road to the Ben Franklin Bridge before retreating to the Oregon Diner for breakfast at 3 A.M. What a crock of merde. Oh well, c'est la vie.

(Photo courtesy of AP/Tom Mihalek)

WRIST SHOTS: HE LITERALLY VENTED HIS SPLEEN

Well, it looks like it's just about over for the Rangers. Jagr started off like a house on fire, exhibiting emotion and that sweeping wraparound move (that brought back nightmares from the numerous times he'd done that vs. the Devils), but in the end they couldn't stop The Malkin Machine. Sidsburgh is now up 3 games to none.

It was also nice of Jagr to show up, considering this might have been his penultimate game as a Ranger/NHL player. Do you know the way to Omsk?

Browsing TSN for NHL news I happened upon this article:

Sean Avery has a lacerated spleen and will be out the remainder of the season, sources tell TSN. The source went on to say that the laceration was detected with a CT scan after Avery was taken to hospital following the Game 3 with the Panguins. Full Story

Why do good things happen to bad people? I mean, the other way around??? (Uhm, the Panguins?)

I also commented on Chris Drury, who appeared to hurt himself while celebrating a (non) goal last night in the 2nd period. Shooting from MAF's right side of the crease, he put his arms up in anticipation of the puck going across the goal line along the far post, but Hal Gill deftly swept it out. Drury put his arms about halfway up and then he winced and put them back down. He looked like a broken man for the rest of the game, skating at half speed and unable to keep a puck in the zone during a key sequence in the 3rd. At the time I was thinking he pulled a muscle in his back or something; TSN said he was "hampered" and may have injured his shoulder (it looked like his right side).

As it turns out The Pensblog has a frame-by-frame account in their goofy-ass Game 3 recap . (The "Sidney Plissken in Escape from New York" yesterday had me LLOL.) If anything sums up the Rangers awful play and horrible luck in this series with the Pens, it would be that: a key player getting injured while celebrating a goal that never happened.

Meanwhile, both Detroit and Dallas have taken commanding 3-0 leads in their respective series. So tonight we're going to have a conference finals party like it's 1-9-9-8!

If you haven't checked out Hockey-Reference.com yet, you must. My favorite stat is Bobby Orr's plus/minus of +124 in 1970-71. That season, he wasn't even the leading scorer on his own team, and total goals for vs. against while on the ice was an astonishing 258 to 85. Since they scored 399 goals that year, that means he was on the ice for about two-thirds (65%) of them. Basically, only good things happened when he was out there.

Another question I meant to ask last night in my anti-livebloggery: why aren't there more songs about hockey? Sure, there's "The Good Old Hockey Game", but what else? It seems like they make a craptacular Super Bowl Shuffle-esque song every year, and there are more baseball songs than I care to remember. I have one I'm working on about the Avs called "Hejduk" (to the tune of Pink Floyd's "Hey You"):

Hejduk
Skating in the cold
Sakic and Forsberg growing old
Can you help me?
...
Hejduk
Why can't Theodore make a stoooooop?
Together we stand, divided we flop

Uhm, that's all I've got so far.



(Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

WRIST SHOTS: A BAGFUL OF QUESTIONS

Here are a bunch of questions that may or may not have answers, but I just needed to get them out of my head.

Why were the Montréal fans booing Zdeno Chara when Boston visited Le Centre Bell in the first round? Do they just randomly choose someone to boo, or was there some history there?

Why do fans think that booing will actually bother a professional player?

Why isn't VERSUS showing San Jose/Dallas game right now in New York? Instead, it's blacked out completely. Fan-fucking-tastic TV deal you've made there, Bettman.

Why is the ice at Mellon Arena so shitty? What else do they use that arena for?

Why would fans wear white at home games WHEN THE VISITING TEAM IS WEARING WHITE?

Reminder: if you're going to Madison Square Garden tonight, make sure you wear an expensive pinstripe suit, and a hideous shirt. (I see Ron Duguay got the memo.)



Didn't you guys miss (my neighbor) Sam Rosen? I'm not even a Rangers fan and I can honestly say I did--he's head and shoulders better than anyone VERSUS has to offer. Tonight's MSG broadcast might be his last if the Rangers don't wake up.

Why does MSG need 7 people talking about this game during the intermission? Do they have to justify all of their salaries? Where is Dr. Joyce Brothers?

Why didn't I pick Dallas to win? I almost did. Was it because the Ducks looked so bad, which I thought made Dallas look better than they really were? Why did I stick with San Jose? I hate San Jose. Also, I don't know the way there and I don't care.

Will Jagr stop whining and start playing now that he's had a diving call go his way AND a goal go in while he was in the crease and borderline interfering with MAF?

How did they let just George Laraque score a goal?

Why is the NBC on NHL set so fucking ugly? To distract you from the nonsense spilling out of Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury's mouths? (I like Pierre by himself, especially on XM, but why did they stick him with Milbury?)

Why does barbecued shrimp taste so damn good? (Sorry, I'm taking a dinner break.)

Did Drury just pull a muscle celebrating (when the puck didn't even go in)?

SOPCAST: great invention or THE GREATEST INVENTION?

With this latest slew of Bud Light commercials, joking that it gives you "X-ray vision" and the ability to fly (can you get arrested for drinking and flying?), have they just given up trying to convince you it's a good beer?

Is this Penguins team firing on all cylinders or what? Final: Sidsburgh 5, Rangers 3.

Why does Dallas have the worst in-game music? It's like Jock Jams, Eurodisco and Hair Metal got into a fight in the parking lot.

Is there anything better than OT playoff hockey? I submit that there is not! No commercial breaks, and you can't look away as the game can end in the blink of an eye.

It's a final: Stars 2, Sharks 1 OT.

Should I stay up and watch yet another Detroit game, with Franzen probably scoring a hat trick, and Theodore inexplicably starting in goal? I'll answer this one: no.

WRIST SHOTS: CONSPIRACY CONSHMEARACY

In the New York area, the discourse surrounding the first two games of the Rangers/Penguins series have been decidedly NOT about hockey. This is not a surprise, as the New York (sports) media is seemingly built on sensationalism and ridicule, but it is more than a little disheartening. But instead of focusing on the Rangers' defensive lapses that erased a 3-0 lead halfway through Game 1 (thanks to twice giving up 2 quick goals, 14 and 20 seconds apart, respectively), and their inability to score during 7 power plays in Game 2, blame for the teams' predicament seems to be focused elsewhere.

If you don't watch hockey all year or have only started to tune in due to the Rangers' recent success, I can understand that you might smell a controversy or feel some injustices have been thrust upon them. Allow me to address some of the accusatory statements that seem to be flying around the Metro area this time of year like so much grass pollen.

1. "Crosby is getting all the calls!" He's a phenomenal player, and thus draws more attention as other teams focus on him. He also skates with the puck like he owns it, and keeps his feet moving through traffic. Therefore, it's no mystery or conspiracy that he draws a lot of penalties. Fast, skilled puckhandlers lead the list of most penalties drawn per game (Crosby, Cole, M. Richards), as do those who complain a lot after the whistle (Avery, Burrows). Late in Game 1, Crosby was interfered with in the neutral zone to prevent a 2-on-1 breakaway from occuring, the exact type of interference infraction that everyone has been complaining about since the invention of the "neutral zone trap". Now people are arguing that it shouldn't have been called a penalty. I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways.

2. "Crosby is a diver!" In Game 2, Tyutin pulled Sid by his shoulder in the corner, and he really had no other choice but to go down. Instead of inspiring his own team to kill the penalty and fight through it, Jagr immediately skated over and bitched at Crosby allegedly accusing him of diving. This helps absolutely no one, and he even later admitted former teammate Super Mario used to get the same superstar treatment. Jagr has let this get into his head, just like Brodeur let Avery get into his noggin in the first round. Instead of getting guarantees and positive talk from their team captain, they get to hear him complaining to the media about the officials--not a good sign.

3. "Crosby is a sissy!" The hell he is. He goes out there and busts his buns EVERY NIGHT. You tell your old man to try dragging Avery and Jagr up and down the ice for 60 minutes.

4. "The NHL wants the Penguins to win!" This statement is total bullshit, as New York is the #1 media market in the country. Furthermore, I'd argue that Bettman is less concerned with ratings than with bringing the Cup to non-traditional hockey cities (Tampa, Carolina, Anaheim), and neither city in this series is in that category.

5. "The refs are screwing the Rangers!" New York penalties = 12 (I didn't count the one Straka got for complaining at the end of Game 1), Pittsburgh penalties = 10. Yeah, that's not exactly an unbalanced screw job there. In Game 1, the Rangers got a PP early and scored, while the Penguins scored on a late PP (which cancel out, since both goals are equal). Meanwhile, the Rangers got two PPs late in Game 2 (13:54, 17:38) and didn't score. The quick whistle before the Rangers seemingly tied up the game was an unfortunate break, but there's nothing you can do about that (and even the Rangers didn't complain as much as the fans have).

As an objective observer with no rooting interest (well, I was rooting for a long OT game on Sunday), they've been calling this series pretty fairly by my estimation, consistent with what we've seen in the regular season. If the Rangers don't shift their focus away from the refs and back on their opponents tonight at MSG, this will be a very short series.

WRIST SHOTS: HEY PHILLY, AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR HOCKEY TEAMS WON!

The most exciting finish of the playoffs so far . . . wasn't even on TV in the States (unless you live in Philly). Kovalev, who excels everywhere but in NYC, scored a game-tying PP goal with :29 remaining, and Montréal went on to win 4-3 in OT in Game 1 vs. the Philthy Lyers.

I could go on a rant here about the crappy Bettman-authorized TV deals ('exclusive' broadcasts and 'pay per view' at a time when poor ratings should force the league to make playoff games available for free???), but let's just say I'm pissed that I had to witness the end of this game on a low quality online streaming feed. Yes, I refuse to pay $169 for non-HD hockey (some Canadians fork over $13 for single PPV games and $20 for HD, which is beyond absurd).

As for the game's outcome Philly.com is crying foul, but did they already forget the incidental goalie interference against Huet in Game 7 that got them here? That was only 3 days ago! I mean, I forget what I had for breakfast (toast? cereal? coffee, definitely) but I'm not a paid sports journalist. Anyway, shut the hell up, you're lucky to still be skating.

In positive Philly news, the Philadelphia Phantoms beat the Albany River Rats 3-2 in 5 OT last night. Here are the stats:

• The total game time was 142 minutes, 58 seconds (longest in AHL history), with the winning goal coming at 2:58 of the 5th overtime.


• The game took 5 hours 38 minutes to complete, ending at 12:39 A.M.


• Albany goalie Michael Leighton stopped 98 of 101 shots (both are AHL records).


• Total shots on goal for both teams was 168 (Philly 101, Albany 67).

98 saves and he lost? Wow, that stinks.

Meanwhile, Detroit seemed to score on every early shot (and hit the post when it didn't go in) chasing Theodore out of the game (4 goals on 16 shots), en route to a 4-3 win vs. the Avs. Rob commented about the statement "Colorado center Peter Forsberg did not play because of a groin injury": "Can you believe it, the Times put this old story in TODAY'S paper! Come on! This is from, like, 5 years ago!" Ha ha, that's rich! Must be a typo because I'm pretty sure Floppa retired and owns a Volvo dealership in Örnsköldsvik . . .

Tonight: Avery Avery Avery Avery Sid, Sid Sid Avery Avery Avery Sid Sid Sid! Avery? Sid! (I am so fucking sick of the sports media.)