2008 STANLEY CUP CONFERENCE FINALS PREVIEW

And then there were four.

Though I only guessed two correctly last time around (Sidsburgh and Detroit), and seriously waffled on my choice of Dallas, I therefore give myself a grade of 2½/4. (It's my blog, so I can do that.) Kris only got 1/4 but let's face it: he's in France illegally bootlegging pirated NHL games through WorldWide interwebs file sharing (or so Congress understands it)--he's a menace to société. Anyway, let's once again reset the teams and look at the conference finals:

Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
(1) Detroit vs. (5) Dallas

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Johan Franzen. He's from Europe! He will disappear this round, as Turc 1.73 is 1000% better than Josie Theodoormat.
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Mike Modano. Last time I checked we're in America dammit, and now that the Canadians have already turned their attention to the IIHF, curling and competitive drinking, it's time to salute the "best American born forward married to a hot wife".
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Chris Chelios. I don't hate him per sé, just the fact that he's worn out his welcome and really should retire already. I am currently tied for playoff points with him, and I haven't skated in over a year.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Brad Richards. He's been lurking, but he's going to be a force in this series.
BEST PLAYOFF BEARD: Marty Turco, who is looking positively Steven Segalian.
X-FACTOR: Chris Osgood. Now that The Dominator has been relegated to bench warmer, it will be up to Ozzy to step up. He won't.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Stars in 7.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
(2) Pittsburgh vs. (6) Philadelphia

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Sidney Crosby. Yeah, that's redundant since everyone but Penguins fans are sick of him (even though he lives up to the hype).
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Dan "The Man" Briere. How is he not even on the Yahoo! NEB Top 10 Conn Smythe watch list (whatever the hell that is)? Oh, I see you're all in love with R.J. "Grilled" Umberger, who might one day be inducted into the Hall of Nice, but he's no Dan.
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Jarkko Ruutu is every bit a sharp pain in the spleen as Sean Avery, and now the entire country people who get VERSUS will get to meet him. Tied for first: nearly the entire Philthy Lyers squad, led by head douchebag Darien Hatcher.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Pascal Dupuis, mainly because I like saying his name. Try it with me: DOOO-PWEE. That's nice, isn't it?
BEST/WORST PLAYOFF BEARD: Dan "The Man" Briere/Sid "The Kid" Crosby. Their sad attempts to grow facial hair make Jack White look like Iron & Wine's Samuel Beam.
X-FACTOR: MAF. Has the #1 pick finally arrived? I'm not convinced he has, but the talent in front of him is scary good and he won't need to stand on his head (as Biron has been doing for Philthy) in order to win.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Penguins in 6.

BROADCAST SCHEDULE: [NHL] [VERSUS] [FRENCH TV]

UPDATE (3:36 PM): Game 1 of the Philthy @ Sidsburgh series will NOT be broadcast in HD on VERSUS, instead pre-empted in the US by a standard def golf show/replay of the TPC. What a complete joke. I was going to say that this is a case for ESPN/ESPN2 picking up the NHL, but that would mean we'd have to see Don Cherry's grotesque zoot suits in HD. Once again, Bettman sucks.

UPDATE (12:32 AM): Kris, The Biggest Sabres Fan In France, finally chimed in with his picks, and they look quite familiar:

Dallas over Wings
Sidsburgh over PHILTHY

WRIST SHOTS: CONSPIRACY CONSHMEARACY

In the New York area, the discourse surrounding the first two games of the Rangers/Penguins series have been decidedly NOT about hockey. This is not a surprise, as the New York (sports) media is seemingly built on sensationalism and ridicule, but it is more than a little disheartening. But instead of focusing on the Rangers' defensive lapses that erased a 3-0 lead halfway through Game 1 (thanks to twice giving up 2 quick goals, 14 and 20 seconds apart, respectively), and their inability to score during 7 power plays in Game 2, blame for the teams' predicament seems to be focused elsewhere.

If you don't watch hockey all year or have only started to tune in due to the Rangers' recent success, I can understand that you might smell a controversy or feel some injustices have been thrust upon them. Allow me to address some of the accusatory statements that seem to be flying around the Metro area this time of year like so much grass pollen.

1. "Crosby is getting all the calls!" He's a phenomenal player, and thus draws more attention as other teams focus on him. He also skates with the puck like he owns it, and keeps his feet moving through traffic. Therefore, it's no mystery or conspiracy that he draws a lot of penalties. Fast, skilled puckhandlers lead the list of most penalties drawn per game (Crosby, Cole, M. Richards), as do those who complain a lot after the whistle (Avery, Burrows). Late in Game 1, Crosby was interfered with in the neutral zone to prevent a 2-on-1 breakaway from occuring, the exact type of interference infraction that everyone has been complaining about since the invention of the "neutral zone trap". Now people are arguing that it shouldn't have been called a penalty. I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways.

2. "Crosby is a diver!" In Game 2, Tyutin pulled Sid by his shoulder in the corner, and he really had no other choice but to go down. Instead of inspiring his own team to kill the penalty and fight through it, Jagr immediately skated over and bitched at Crosby allegedly accusing him of diving. This helps absolutely no one, and he even later admitted former teammate Super Mario used to get the same superstar treatment. Jagr has let this get into his head, just like Brodeur let Avery get into his noggin in the first round. Instead of getting guarantees and positive talk from their team captain, they get to hear him complaining to the media about the officials--not a good sign.

3. "Crosby is a sissy!" The hell he is. He goes out there and busts his buns EVERY NIGHT. You tell your old man to try dragging Avery and Jagr up and down the ice for 60 minutes.

4. "The NHL wants the Penguins to win!" This statement is total bullshit, as New York is the #1 media market in the country. Furthermore, I'd argue that Bettman is less concerned with ratings than with bringing the Cup to non-traditional hockey cities (Tampa, Carolina, Anaheim), and neither city in this series is in that category.

5. "The refs are screwing the Rangers!" New York penalties = 12 (I didn't count the one Straka got for complaining at the end of Game 1), Pittsburgh penalties = 10. Yeah, that's not exactly an unbalanced screw job there. In Game 1, the Rangers got a PP early and scored, while the Penguins scored on a late PP (which cancel out, since both goals are equal). Meanwhile, the Rangers got two PPs late in Game 2 (13:54, 17:38) and didn't score. The quick whistle before the Rangers seemingly tied up the game was an unfortunate break, but there's nothing you can do about that (and even the Rangers didn't complain as much as the fans have).

As an objective observer with no rooting interest (well, I was rooting for a long OT game on Sunday), they've been calling this series pretty fairly by my estimation, consistent with what we've seen in the regular season. If the Rangers don't shift their focus away from the refs and back on their opponents tonight at MSG, this will be a very short series.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

There was a video of Sid-the-Great as a young child making the rounds of email yesterday that I was tempted to post, but figured that most people would have seen it already. However, it did get me thinking about great sporting actions and how, when well done, they change the outcome of a game.

This one, not so much. See, the thing is that you need to initiate the action while someone is still near you. If not, you just look stupid.



[Update] I actually missed this the first time I watched it, but the announcer's great: "...Oh! Gilardino goes down almost posthumously."

WRIST SHOTS

It's that time of year, when football is over, baseball hasn't started yet, when HOCKEY takes center stage! Eh, who am I kidding? Here's what I've got.

• I might mention it too much, but after watching Marty's 10th shutout last night I have to announce that he's pretty good. He's having a tremendous year, even by his standards. Okay, I'm done.

• The perception out there is that Sidney Crosby is a crybaby, to the point that he's even been booed in the hockey mecca of Montreal. Fans think he and the coaching staff are complaining about opponents taking shots at him because he wants superstar treatment, but he's got a point. The fact is that he's hockey's Golden Boy and the league's highest scoring player, so he's naturally going to be a swiftly skating target. He's also more of a finesse player, unlike Ovechkin who is a bull-in-the-china-shop who can also dole out hits (some of them questionable). Perhaps he could use some protection out there, just like Gretzky had (what's Todd Bertuzzi up to?), but that's up to the GM who can't even get a stadium deal in his own city. Yeah, I hate to say this but maybe there is a place for enforcers in the league. But despite the fact that a record number of penalties are being called, I think a backlash is inevitable and games are going to start getting more chippy. The fact is that they can't call everything, and it might reach a breaking point and all hell breaks loose (or not, what do I know?). Regardless, great job embracing the best player to come around in a decade, hockey fans!

• Sabres fans are very loyal and emotional lot, and occasionally obnoxious when visiting other rinks. Kris "The Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo even thought the Madden goal against Ryan Miller that opened the flood gates in New Jersey's 3-2 win last week was akin to "cheating". Slow down there, Maestro. He never really had his glove on it, and you have to play to the whistle. Instead, Miller showed his inexperience by letting it bother him, and before you knew it the offensive juggernaut (not) that is the NJ Devils had 3 goals in 2:41. He's just a kid, but he has to learn to let it go and focus on the game.

• The Avs Karlis Skrastins is about to set the Iron Man record for defensemen by playing 487 consecutive games. That's amazing. I didn't realize that Tim "Bits" Horton held the previous record before being killed in a car accident.

• The Gary "Fucking" Bettman Death Watch has begun. His contract is up in 2008, so I think it's time to cut the cord and start fresh. Who would be a worthy successor? How about anyone who actually knows hockey? No, not some businessman from Texas. This is a pretty good evaluation of Bettman's Reign of Error as NHL commish. Overall, not good.

• I like John Buccigross, but the NHL DOES NOT NEED BIGGER NETS. Please stop saying this crap.

• It's interesting that Peter Forsberg's foot suddenly feels great and he's scoring again (8 points in his last 6 games), just in time to be traded to a Stanley Cup contender. He's complained all year about not being able to find a comfortable skate. Are you kidding? In the entire world, no one could custom make a skate that fit his ailing foot? What a joke. Hockey's toughest bastard, my ass!

• What happened to the New York Rangers? Are they who we thought they were? Was last year's playoff appearance just a fluke? They sputtered to the finish last year, and are struggling even earlier this time around. All I know is that it's going to take more than Avery and Krog to right the ship. Although they finally dumped KasperMINUS, which is a start.

• Ottawa is making a push for the playoffs, just in time to lose in the first round. Sabres: be very afraid if you meet Carolina in the first round.

• I had an ephiphury the other day: Chris Gratton, Todd Bertuzzi and Eddie Belfour are still in the NHL? They're on the Florida Panthers? Who knew? Is that where hockey players go to retire? Can we get rid of the Florida teams already? No one supports them, and I'm not buying this whole "Hockey Bay" nonsense in Tampa.

• When you comment on an article on ESPN, it directs you to ESPN Conversation (whatever the hell that is) which has a filter that automatically removes objectionable words, and replaces it with "####" in your post. All the obvious dirty words are censored, but it gets a little weird after that. For instance, an NBA player that no one has ever heard of announced he's gay, which would come up in a post as "Amaechi is ####". So what about former UConn player Rudy ####? What does #### Vitale have to say about it? Here's the funniest one: Ryan Fitzpatrick is edited to read "Ryan ####". Maybe it's because the word starts with "F" and ends in "CK"? It looks like Fitzpatrick is the new "F" word!

• I'll close with one of the stupidest "hockey related" things I've ever seen: Claude Lemieux on "Pros vs. Joes" on SPIKE. The idea of the show is that "regular guys" play against retired pro players, usually baseball or football players. This is the first time I've seen the contestants have to play hockey, if you can call it hockey. It's so far from the current NHL, it was disgusting. The idea was to skate from behind the goal, pick up one of the 5 pucks placed within the zone, and try to skate in on an empty net and score . . . with Lemieux in your way. Interesting idea. So what does he do on the first attempt? He hit the kid in the mouth with a highstick! And on the one goal he let up, he crosschecked the kid and knocked him down. I've got news for you: that's not hockey, despite the dorky announcer's claims, that's called a penalty. Yes, I rooted for Claude when he was a Devil, because he was such a clutch playoff performer. But I'd be the first to agree that on top of his tenacity and goal scoring talent, he was a dirty player and a complete asshole. Thankfully, the NHL didn't have anything to do with this asinine show.

UPDATE: I'm going to see the Devils play the D.C. Ovechkins on 2/24. This might be my last appearance at the Continental Breakfast Arena, so feel free to alert the media. I just thought of this, but the Devils might be the only team where you want to buy tickets on the side where Marty will be defending twice, and not on the side where they attack twice.