EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

There was a video of Sid-the-Great as a young child making the rounds of email yesterday that I was tempted to post, but figured that most people would have seen it already. However, it did get me thinking about great sporting actions and how, when well done, they change the outcome of a game.

This one, not so much. See, the thing is that you need to initiate the action while someone is still near you. If not, you just look stupid.



[Update] I actually missed this the first time I watched it, but the announcer's great: "...Oh! Gilardino goes down almost posthumously."

HOCKEY, SOCCER, AND HOMERS

I was going to start this post with a video of the brilliant end-to-end single effort by Theo Walcott (the only Brit on the pitch for Arsenal last night - think about that!!) that set up Emmanuel Adebayor to tie the Champions League Quarter Final at 84 minutes, but UEFA are even bigger twunts than the NHL and you cannot find videos on Youtube. UEFA must have a crack team of copyright enforcement officers whose sole job is to report "abuse" to Youtube administrators. I figured no problem, I'll just go to UEFA's site: HA! On their site the only thing you get is the post game interview with Rafael Benitez (coach of Liverpool). Fuck UEFA. This is why I don't watch foccer anymore...Asshat league management.

And shitty calling: In my last real post, I referenced the French propensity for homerism. If I watch international matches featuring the French National Team, I generally turn the volume down because I just can't stand listening to these guys. You'd think they learned their lesson, when the #1 soccer announcer for the #1 TV station dropped dead at 49 years old, that God hates Homers. No such luck. If anything it's worse, because now his position is open and anyone who calls a game has to prove that he's up to the task of licking the balls of the French TV audience. Since Arsène Wenger (a Frenchman!) is the manager of Arsenal, the French announcers are required by law to support the Gunners. I don't hate Arsenal, but I want to be able to make up my own mind about who to support without listening to the verbal fellation of the North London side.

There's nothing wrong with homerism, per se. I don't really care if NESN blindly supports the Bruins, as long as their feed isn't national. It's a local TV station, with a local audience. It's annoying as hell, but if the majority of the viewers are pro-Boston, then the announcers being homers isn't the end of the world. If the French National Team plays a game, it's partially logical that the announcers are homers. I turn the sound off, but, for the most part, the viewing audience also wants the French team to win. However, when you are the announcer and you're supporting a team because you know the manager, or the leading goal scoring speaks French, that's just fucking wrong and annoying, yet the French like this I guess because every announcer I've ever heard on TV has the same attitude (I like this team, so you must too).

Update: I've found a video. I don't know how long UEFA's brownshirts are going to leave this, but Walcott's run starts at 2:57 in the video



Jeff asked me to make my picks for Round 1. I have not watched a lot of hockey this year, so I can't say that I'm really well-versed in the comings and goings, but I'll do this as scientifically as possible: i.e. Based on important factors such as which coach is less of a twunt or who has hotter ice girls:

Prince of Wales Conference

(1) Montreal vs. (8) Boston: Everyone's making a big deal about this original 6 match-up. Is it just me that's too cynical, or are there other people that just don't care? Unless Les Canadiens really fuck this up, this series should be pretty one-sided: Montreal in 5

(2) Pittsburgh vs. (7) Ottawa: Yes, we can never count the Sens out, but thugtastic Neil and Alfie and all the other bitches don't stand a chance to Sid's pretty face and Malkin's skill. Plus I never get tired of rooting against the Senators. Sidsburgh in 6

(3) Washington vs. (6) Philadelphia: The Kapital Komrades have truly come on in the last 1/3 of the season and they're hot right now. However, they are a bit of a one-pony show and if Ovie plays poorly, the whole team feels it! However, with Huet in goal now, they no longer have to play for frequent trips to St. Augustine, FL for Kolzig. I still couldn't, in my right mind, want the Cryers to win for any reason. Kapitals in 6

(4) New Jersey vs. (5) New York Rangers: This is the hardest match-up to call, IMHO. The Rangers completely dominated the Devils all season long, but you should really never bet against Marty in the playoffs. King Henrik will stand on his head. Drooory will come up big one game, but it won't be enough. Devils in 7

If my predictions come true, we're setting up the ultimate Bettman wet-dream: Sidburgh vs the Komrades in Round 2. I'm sure he's got a chubby just thinking about it.

Campbell Conference

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Nashville: Meh, I'm not even going to waste good blogspace on this; the Predators will get lucky and win one. Detroit in 5

(2) San Jose vs. (7) Calgary: I'd like to see Brian Campbell get a cup. I don't have any hard feelings for his departure. He's worth what he's worth and the Sabres needed to get something for him. However, I hate Whiny Ron Wilson as much as I hate any coach in this league. These two cancel each other out. I kind of like Ignila because he comes across as the epitome of a blue-collar hockey player. However, all of this is irrelevant because the Sharks are just too strong. San Jose in 6

(3) Minnesota vs. (6) Colorado: I know absolutely nothing about either of these teams, except that Floppa came back and the Avs play great hockey when he's on the ice. If Forsberg can make it to even a few of these games, the Avs stand a good chance at messing up the Wild. Avs in 5

(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Dallas: I used to hate the Stars more than any team in the league, but Hull is gone, Hatcher plays (or not) for the Cryers and most of the other asshats have moved on or retired (I never really hated Modano). Now Pronger is probably the shittiest player in the league and I want nothing more than to see him cry his way out in the first round. However, the Stars haven't been playing great hockey lately and the Phucks still have Giggy in goal and S. Niedermeyer and Selanne haven't had the deal with the stresses of a full season. Also, expect to see Pronger exchange his right to dress in Game 3 for a series-ending concussion to Ribeiro. It pains me to say it but: Phucks in 6 (I hope I'm wrong).

The league is being their normal bitchy selves and put most of the [Prince of Wales] games at 7pm EST. They should know by now, that it's tough for me to watch games that start at 1AM CET. The Kapitals play game 2 @ 2pm on Sunday and Game 5 @1pm the following Saturday. The only other game I could watch is Detroit's eventual thrashing of the Preds in Game 2 @ 2pm EST on Saturday. Why aren't their more weekend matinees. FUCK YOU BETTMAN! Think about me for once. And what about all those English fans that you picked up. How do you think they're going to stay hockey fans if they have to stay up until 4am on a school night to watch Sidney's dreamy mug?