EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

IMDB: INTERNET MONKEY DATABASE

Dunston Checks In, which "stars" Jason Alexander, Faye Dunaway, Rupert Everett, and uh, Pee Wee Herman was on STARZ last night. I'm so glad I have those 25 Starz/Encore movie channels, it offers so many excellent viewing choices. Oh, and thank you Jebus for IMDB, who helpfully points out the "goofs" in the movie:

• Continuity: The bandage on Dunston's hand.
• Continuity: The cake on Mrs. Dubrow's gown changes between shots.
• Audio/visual unsynchronized: When Lionel gets his glasses off the cucumber woman's chest he is holding the end of them. When the camera changes he is not touching the glasses at all. When it goes back to the first camera he is touching them again.
• Continuity: When Dunston goes into the spa and takes the cucumber off of the woman's face, it remains missing. But when Mr. Grant comes in, the cucumber is back on her face.

So you're saying the makers of a movie starring an orangutan were lazy? What about a monkey going into a spa, no one has a problem with that? And also thanks for the monkey keyword search, it's going to save me loads of time while looking for monkey movies in Blockbuster. Of course, DCI (as it is known on the 'net') was far superior to that other monkey movie starring an NBC sitcom star that was released in 1996:

"Minor league. Major friendship." You can't beat that. I don't remember the plot too well but I think the signature pitch that he threw was the "feces ball". (Even harder to hit than the 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'.) LeBlanc's agent probably said, "Well, you have a couple of weeks off between filming episodes of Friends, how about we bang out a monkey movie? They said they'll pay cash."