WRIST SHOTS: WHY I'M THE KISS OF DEATH

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are humming right along, with both Detroit and Pittsburgh holding commanding leads in their respective series. Once again, I really hope no one listens to me or reads my horrendous blognostications, as everything I've said has been a complete kiss of death. Let's wrap up what damage I've done so far.

CALLED BRIERE "DAN THE MAN" -- In 40:41 of ice time in 2 games, Danny has 2 shots, no points, a -3, and 2 PIM, as he's been hounded by Jordan Staal.

SAID FRANZEN WOULD "DISAPPEAR" -- Johan has been out since Game 1 with a concussion. (Hey, I was right about that one. No, I'm not proud of that.)

PRAISED MARTY TURCO'S POSTSEASON PERFORMANCE -- In 3 games vs. Red Wings, 3.71 GAA, 11 goals allowed on 86 shots (.872 SV%).

PROCLAIMED OSGOOD WOULDN'T STEP UP -- 1.33 GAA, 53 of 57 shots stopped (.930).

PREDICTED THAT DALLAS WOULD WIN -- They are down 3-0 and on the verge of being swept.

LIKED PASCAL DUPUIS -- 0 points, 4 PIM, 3 SOG.

SAID TO WATCH MODANO -- 2 total shots on goal (0 in Game 3).

Blech.

In other words, I'm done with the blognosticating and I'm just going to watch hockey from now on.

Happy golf season, everyone!

OVER 10000 PEOPLE'S TIME WASTED

Congratulations to the 10,000th reader of the Open Hockey blog! It seems impossible, unfathomable to me that that many people have accidentally stumbled upon this blog. Thanks for checking us out. But most of all I'd like to thank myself, and the great OH blog team--we never gave up hope! And I wanna thank Jesus, and say hi to my special lady, Marge: we did it, baby! Whooooo hooooo! Anyway, sometime on Monday, Lucky Fan #10K turned over our counter to read 5 digits, and while I can't be sure who it was I'm going with the guy who searched for "is dana jacobson single" and found my "Dana swilling Belvedere vodka" tribute post. Yes, Dana is still single and refuses to call me. And no, random Googler, you don't have a chance in hell of getting her to date you because you don't have a fantastic blog like mine. So there.

Other random thoughts:

* I think we can stop putting those irritating "security" stickers on top of DVDs and CDs, since there are a bazillion torrents available on the internet of pretty much everything now. Those impossible to remove "thief proof" stickers along the top of the case are laughable, and with rampant the file sharing that goes on it's akin to putting a band-aid on a severed head.

* You know when you're walking towards someone else in a hallway, and you turn into a doorway or down another hallway before you pass them? What is the minimum "greeting radius", the distance from the person that requires you acknowledge them in some way? I say it's 30 feet, and if you're further away than that you don't have to say "hi", or "morning" or nod.

* During the hockey shootout, the players should take off their helmets. Why do they need to wear them? Of course I'm talking about the shooters, not the goalies; that would be silly. No, I think the goalies should remove their pants.

* While it was enjoyable to see Villanova blow the doors off of Syracuse by 19 points yesterday, today's loss to Georgetown by the same margin (and score, 82-63, during which they drained a ri-fucking-diculous 17 3-pointers) was frustrating. So it's now official: they aren't going to be in the NCAA tournament. Coming up next: are the Wildcats going to be overlooked for the NCAA tournament? Yes, they are. Or are they? Sportsline's Gary Parrish was paid to say "I have no fucking idea." Joe "Bracketology" Lunardi says they're one of the "Next Four Out", whatever that means. Jay Bilas of ESPN says the 'Cats are in, but Jay Bilas also likes vanilla and long walks on the beach. So fucking what? His opinion is just as valid as mine, and I say he's full of shit. When was the last time anyone from ESPN was right anyway? I'm going to go with back in the early 1980s when they decided to show Australian rules football.

* Now that "The Wire" is over, I was looking for another show to waste my time watching. There's good buzz surrounding AMC's "Breaking Bad", a show about a high school chemistry teacher who is told has terminal cancer decides to start his own meth lab. However, everything seems to be conspiring against my ability to watch this show. First, every show is available on my Cablevision OnDemand channel . . . EXCEPT THE FIRST TWO. And those first two aren't on the AMC site. Also, what the hell does "Breaking Bad" even mean? And how can you call your network "American Movie Classics" when you don't show classic American movies? Okay, now I've lost interest in watching the show. Maybe I'll look for "Mad Men" DVDs to rent, or something.

* If you were born after 1980 you probably prefer "Family Guy", and if you were born before 1980, you probably like "The Simpsons". If you are born after 1980, and you come up to me saying "Family Guy" is overall funnier than "The Simpsons", you're wrong. End of discussion. Now get off of my lawn! (Of course, some Stewie and Brian scenes are funny . . . no, I won't back down.)

* Coors Light has bar coasters featuring a bunch of green colored Coors bottle caps in the shape of a shamrock, with the slogan "Irish Enough". What the fuck does that mean? It's Irish enough for you, just drink it, stupid.

* GOLF magazine says in their Masters preview issue that if it comes down to a final round showdown between FIGJAM and Tiger, FIGJAM would win it. Tiger is playing as well as we've ever seen him, so what are they basing that on? Phil has "confidence". Yeah, right. I too can be pretty confident, but I ain't winning a match against the greatest golfer ever. What am I saying? I'm not even confident about posting this crap on the blog.

THE PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

Lately, there's been a lot of talk about perfect seasons. Maybe, maybe too much talk, as too many congratulatory voices can ultimately spoil the relentless pursuit of perfection. As we've already happily discovered this week, some teams have the talent but lack the intestinal fortitude to achieve such lofty aspirations.

As the men's college basketball season heats up, one team has separated itself from the rest of the pack and stands alone--and rightfully so. No, I'm not talking about Memphis, who probably by now has won over 20 games or so--I've honestly lost count. The team to which I am referring is none other than the New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders, who are on the verge of a perfect season.

A perfectly winless season.

Currently sporting on an astonishing 0-24 record, the NJIT squad is ranked an unsurpassable 341 out of 341 Division I NCAA basketball teams. This is no mean feat. Starting off the season getting unceremoniously waxed by Manhattan (8-14) by a score 70-28, they haven't looked back, nor have they looked forward; in fact, one would be hard pressed to determine that they have affixed their gaze in any discernable direction all season. Along the way, they've succumbed to each and every perennial powerhouse they've met: stoned by Stony Brook (4-18), lambasted by Longwood (3-20), mauled by the Maine Black Bears (5-16), just to name a few.

This is just their second season as a Division I Independent since moving up from Division II, and they've come a long way since their inaugural 5-24 record. Only two other teams have gone totally defeated: Savannah State (2004-05) and Prairie View (1991-92), both going 0-28. But can they pull off a season of such distinction? Unlike the 2007 Miami Dolphins (1-15), I believe they have it in them, and whatever "it" is might have to be surgically removed.

Here is their remaining schedule (with each opponent's record and CBS Sportsline RPI rank in parentheses):

Feb 9: @UT-Pan American (9-13, #297)

Feb 13: @La Salle (8-11, #194)
Feb 16: Chicago St. (7-15, #205)
Feb 18: @Longwood (3-20, #332)
Feb 23: @Utah Valley St. (9-13, #246)

As you can see, virtually nothing stands in their way of achieving perfection. Of these final 5 games, 4 are on the road, 3 of which are against teams who have already soundly thrashed them, and the other is at LaSalle, to which they should easily surrender a win. And I don't know how many college basketball fans have filled Newark's 1,500 seat Estelle and Zoom Fleisher Athletic Center to witness history (I'm going to guess not many), but that Chicago State game will be their final chance to do so.

Can this team go all the way and nail down that elusive Perfect Season? So far they've made it appear effortless; not only do the players seem to be up to the task, but Coach Jim Casciano seems to know how to get them to not to perform. It's like the movie "The Perfect Storm"; as you may recall, all the characters drowned at the end. However, this is a group that cannot be started. I say they will finish the season exactly the way they started it, and get it done.

0-29: The Perfect Season. It's so close you can practically taste it coming back up.

G-MEN BEAT COWGIRLS

Hard to believe.

Giants Advance to the N.F.C. Championship

Yes, the NFL still blows and that was a painful game to endure, with horrible officiating and approximately 65 penalties. But Elisha and the Giants held on to beat the Cowgirls, 21-17, and holy crap was that satisfying to watch. They will now meet the Packers at the Frozen Tundra next Sunday. The forecast? "Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 7." That's Fahrenheit, and that's fucking cold. Anyway, I'm rooting for snow, since it was fun watching that Pack/Seahawks game in whiteout conditions.

Meanwhile, Peyton will be going home, as the Chargers beat the Colts for the rights to be bitchslapped by the Patriots in the AFC title game. Basically, all the Giants needed was for me to pick against them; I went an incredible 1-3 on my weekend blognostications, and that means I'm done for the season. I'm just going to (try to) enjoy the game next week. (I still think they're going to lose.)

GO GIANTS!

UPDATE (11:01 PM): I just saw a clip of TO crying during the postgame press conference, right after a shot of a somehow even paler Jerry Jones looking like he was ready to collapse directly into a coffin. God, I could not be happier right now.

37½ AND LIFE

Today I am 37½ years old, exactly halfway between 35 and 40. I can't believe no one has sent me a card, text message or bouquet of flowers to mark the occasion. While this particular age may not mean much to you, it's important to me. When rounding to the nearest half-decade, now I can only round up to 40, and can no longer round down to 35. See how that works?

I've also realized that I've become very set in my ways and cranky over the last few years, and it isn't helping my blood pressure. Most people have "New Year's Resolutions", but this is much more ambiguous and unique. Without further adieu, here are some of my 37½ Year Suggestions.

1. Embrace mediocrity. It's really the only way to go, since there's so much of it to choose from. The new Smashing Pumpkins album, summer blockbusters, Wal-Mart, chain restaurants, ESPN--it's all there for my semi-enjoyment!

2. Stop being so cynical. This might be the hardest one of all, since pretty much everything is going to hell in a Happy Meal. But I'm going to try to see the silver lining in every pile of crap, no matter how much it stinks.

3. Try not to get so easily discouraged. It's easy to type out, not so easy to do. I get frustrated very easily by people, situations, this annoying blog. I have to learn to not let things bother me, and just move on.

4. Buy real estate. This is something that I can't believe I haven't done yet, and the market is still pretty good for a first-time buyer. And once I exercise those stock options, look out! That island I've been dreaming of owning will become a reality! Or maybe I'll just get that tiny condo in the suburbs. Either one.

5. Try more new things. Since I turned 30, I've tried out sushi (very good), playing hockey (very difficult), and yoga (very relaxing)--three things I thought I'd probably never do. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly start line dancing, jumping out of planes, or watching NASCAR anytime soon. But I wouldn't rule out jetskiing, snowboarding or watching Canadian football.

6. Travel more. I know, everyone says this one. But I get 3 weeks of vacation a year, and seem to use it all going to Maine, playing golf, maybe taking the odd long weekend to Cape Cod or camping with my family. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I think I need to spend a full week somewhere I've never been before: Seattle, Hawaii, the Caribbean, Italy, Myrtle Beach, Iowa! Okay, scratch that last one.

7. Don't act like such a know-it-all. I'm incredibly guilty of this. From now on, if someone asks me something I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about, I'll just say, "I have no idea."

8. Ease up on the road rage. Yes, the idiot in front of me doesn't know how to drive, has no idea what the speed limit is, and is probably lost. No, there's nothing I can do about it, except bite my lip and turn up the XM radio.

9. Less sports, more politics. Sports talk infuriates me because at the end of the day it's completely meaningless; sports websites are frustrating because they're all trying to either sell you something or say something outrageous (or both). Also, I don't care what the athletes do or say right before and after the game: just go out on the field/course/court/rink and entertain me for a few hours. As for politics, I should be paying more attention to the story behind Stephen Colbert's smirk, and actually learning something about the 2008 presidential candidates. Regardless, it sure beats the hell out of Sportscenter.

10. Don't snap at my stupid co-workers. Okay, I've already gone cynical in the space of this blog entry. Damn.

Basically, I'm going to try to use this pseudo-milestone to help me embrace the future and work on improving my most annoying personality traits and bad habits. It probably won't work, but at least I can look back at this blog an laugh at my inability to change.

I HATE THIS BLOG

I'm looking at this blog, and man do I hate it. It just all seems so pointless. I really have nothing interesting to say, including this post right here.

Today, I thought about putting up another post about hockey (Brodeur getting another Vezina, ho hum), or golf (Tiger having a baby girl and naming it after Sam Snead?), or the Mets (I'm going to the game tonight, and god have they truly sucked lately), or how the College World Series is 2 months long and impossible to follow, or that health care "documentary" about health care and how evil pharmaceutical companies are (ugh). I thought about looking for another Looney Tunes cartoon, or some music or sports video (which, because it's on YouTube, looks like complete and utter crap, the sound is poorly synched, and 572 stupid kids have commented unintelligibly about it for no apparent reason). Maybe I'll write a drinky drinky column about something I'd like to be drinking right now, but I can't because I'm at work (which is the ultimate torture).

But I've got nothing. I'm not just in a rut. I think I'm officially spent.

This is it. I need to make a move, I'm not happy with my job, my apartment, my high blood pressure which was brought on suddenly by god knows what. Most of all, I'm not happy with this fucking lame blog. It doesn't serve a purpose anymore, and no one reads it but me (and maybe Rob). Maybe I'll feel motivated to post something down the line, but right now my time would be better spent focusing on getting myself out of this.

So if you actually DO read this, oh well. I guess you can go find some other free entertainment/complaining out in the InterWebs. Cheers.

P.S. Bettman sucks.

THURSDAY HANGOVER

It's Thursday and I'm hungover. I didn't plan this (who does?) but the electricity was out at my apartment after some strong storms blew through the area yesterday afternoon. What was I going to do, sit in the candlelight and read a book/write that novella I've been putting off/play strip solitare, while waiting for the power to come back on? I pondered my alternatives, and of course "golf" and "beer" kept popping up. So I threw the clubs in the car and headed towards Nyack, and since it started to rain on the way to the driving range, I just headed straight to Bourbon Street. As I drove into town the traffic light was out, but the bar was lit up like a shining alcoholic beacon. For some reason, they are on a part of the electrical grid that never loses power. Thank god for that.

Somewhere between the first and second shots of Jameson I drank (also not planned), the power came on at the bank across the street, which I decided was an advantageous time to drain my checking account. I was about to cross Main Street when an attractive young girl in a huge black SUV rolled down the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you know how to get to Lace?" About 1000 different things popped into my head at that moment (most of them not safe for work) as I tried to come up with an appropriate response. Here are a few of them:

"The directions are complicated, I wouldn't be able to tell you. How about I hop in and show you?"

"Lace? You look like you belong at Stiletto."

"Why? Are you working there tonight?"

"Just a warning: if you're going to Lace, you're wearing waaaay too much."

"I was just headed there! Mind if I ride with you?"

"Funny you should ask, because I'm the one holding the auditions! But because of the power outages, we're recruiting new talent at Bourbon Street."

So what did I actually say? Uhm, I merely gave her directions. I'm so stupid.