RANDOM MUSING AND OTHER THOUGHTS

Been a while since I've posted, but that's because I was drinking and carrying on up in Brittany on holiday. There a couple of pieces of hate and one of unparalleled loved that I want to throw out:

1. That fucking Coldplay song does not get better with time, it just keeps getting worse. Who said, "yeah, synthesized violins*, that'd be a great idea?" On top of that, Julie told me the other day that she "liked that song." I went as far as searching "avocats de divorce" in the French Yellow Pages, but figured I'll give her one more single off the new album to change her mind.

*I know they're probably "real" violins, but it doesn't make the song any less sucky.

2. The Olympics are in full swing and that means of course that French TV has been avoiding US mens basketball and all of Michael Phelps races for women's handball and men's fencing. For the most part I just ignore the asshole announcers as they toss the salad of 3rd rate French athletes, but I can not avoid them in the track and field events. They have this fat fuck with a lazy eye who has some weird hate for the Americans. Since there are no French athletes in any of the "real" track events (silver in the 3000m steeplechase! WOW!), this fuck spends his time attacking the Americans. Jamaica has kicked ass sprinting this year. As opposed to taking time to admire Usian Bolt's absolute dominance in the 100m, Mr. Lazy Eye instead had to talk about how he "beat down" the Americans..."Hey dickwad, where are your tricolore sprinters...yeah, that's what I thought, shut up now!"

3. It's the time of year where I have to renew my residency card here in France. I should, allegedly, be issued a card for 10 years now, which will mean less hassles with the administration. I have the list of papers that I need to provide. Most are black-and-white: Copy of passport, ID photographs and then I come to "Any document that can prove your integration into French society...such as proof of a social life." Hmm, I have a lot of receipts from bars. I don't think that's what they're looking for. As soon as you give a civil servant the power to "interpret" the validity of documents the system goes to hell.

4. Just a quick cargasm. I know that they used a Ferrari 250 GT California in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but that was a movie (and I think the car was a replica too...), so you rarely see "actual" examples of them and this black one is just freaking beautiful. As soon as I have $4 million in disposable cash, I'm getting one (of course if when that happens, inflation will have made these cars worth 2x or 3x that.) [via Autoblog: more car porn at that link].

JAROMIR JAGR aka "MR. ASSHOLE HAIR"

I was just reading about "mullets" on Wikipedia (don't ask) and at the bottom of the wiki they have the name of the mullet in different languages/countries.

Guam: chad haircut (basically "white trash hair")
Denmark: Bundesliga-hår (German soccer hair)
Finland: tsekkitukka ("ice hockey hair" or "Czech hair" thanks to the aforementioned Jagr)
Korea: MacGyver style
Sweden: hockeyfrilla (my favorite)
Czech Republic: čolek, deka, na debila ("newt", "quilt", "asshole-style" respectively.)

Don't you feel more educated?

WHERE'S THE HATE?

Honestly, for a blog that proclaims to "hate you already" we've been pretty big pussies in terms of spewing that vitriol that we all love. Luckily there's a bunch of stuff that's been pissing me off lately.

1. I'd mention Apple and the i[gotscrewed]Phone Version "double their profits," but everyone knows where I stand on that and I'm so sick of them I don't even want to waste time it. Ok, just for old times sake: Fuck Apple.

2. Once again proving Vertullo's First Law of Humanity (everything goes to shit), Mozilla came out with Firefox Version S3ck this past week. Because I do have herd tendencies, I wanted to help Mozilla kick the living fuck out of Microsoft and get some Duff Guinness Book of World records for most downloads on crack (or something). Yeah, well it turns out V3 sucks the hairless balls of Bill Gates. They basically made Firefox exactly like IE7.Shit. The same shitty zoom (when you zoom you increase the entire page, not only the text size), the same fucking interface (FF2.x had a neat little green arrow that would allow you to load the page, they deleted that - fuckers) with the similar header "look." Plus since I DL'ed early many of my add-ons didn't work right. And of course (of course) once you update you're fucked beyond belief if you want to go back to the stable and easy V2.x. The dictionaries work for shit too. The old dictionaries actually "recognized" misspelled words. The new one, not so much (both in French and in English).

Yes yes, I know you're going to say that programmer "דּïř3dØg978" has come out with a "'fox 2.0" theme or some shit. I don't fucking care. If I have to work this hard to make something I used to like work correctly, someone fucked up. I also don't notice the decreased memory usage or the shortened loading times on gmail or other stuff. I'm almost (almost) tempted to give IE7.0 again.

Fuck them right in their pants.

3. GPS. I've always hated [for the most part] the idiots who stick those portable GPS units on their windshield (except for those people who have a top of the line Garmin system attached to the cracked windshield of a 25-year old beater that probably wouldn't make it 20 miles down the highway, I love them). I agree that GPS does have its uses, sometimes, but yesterday we had a car cut us off three times and I realized what the problem was. Pre-GPS you either had to a) Look at a map and determine where you wanted to go b) Ask someone's help or c) Wander around aimlessly until you ran out of gas or accidentally happened upon your destination.
If you choose options "a" or "b" your main focus would be finding the correct roads. To do that you would need to (and stick with me here now folks, many of these phrases are going to seem incredibly foreign to you) "Pay attention to the directional signs and street names" and "Watch the road." With a GPS the act of driving has become:
1. Drive at half the marked speed limit.
2. Listen for audio prompt from GPS.
3. Hit brakes and swerve (left or right, it doesn't really matter)
4. Look at GPS screen to "make sure" the computer meant "Right"
5. Start to turn left. Slam on brakes. Stop.
6. Reprogram GPS in the middle of the road. Accelerate.
7. Repeat as necessary

And I would say that there's a 90% chance they they were looking for the "Stadium" or the "Highway" both of which were marked by large, clearly indicated signs right in front of their fucking car. GPS is making good drivers bad and bad drivers worse, while dumbing down people who already thought that the sun rose in the South.

I truly truly think that a driver's license should be for 15 or 20 years, after which you had to repass the road test. It's easy for the state to ban drivers for drinking 2 beers (in France you're illegal above 0.05 BAC, which they claim is two 25cl bottles of beer - one pint) or driving 8 mph over the limit on an empty highway. I'm not going to be one of those idiots who say I drive better drunk, but I am sure that I drive better than a large majority of the drivers after a pint and a half of beer, which would make me illegal in France.

WRIST SHOTS: A BAGFUL OF QUESTIONS

Here are a bunch of questions that may or may not have answers, but I just needed to get them out of my head.

Why were the Montréal fans booing Zdeno Chara when Boston visited Le Centre Bell in the first round? Do they just randomly choose someone to boo, or was there some history there?

Why do fans think that booing will actually bother a professional player?

Why isn't VERSUS showing San Jose/Dallas game right now in New York? Instead, it's blacked out completely. Fan-fucking-tastic TV deal you've made there, Bettman.

Why is the ice at Mellon Arena so shitty? What else do they use that arena for?

Why would fans wear white at home games WHEN THE VISITING TEAM IS WEARING WHITE?

Reminder: if you're going to Madison Square Garden tonight, make sure you wear an expensive pinstripe suit, and a hideous shirt. (I see Ron Duguay got the memo.)



Didn't you guys miss (my neighbor) Sam Rosen? I'm not even a Rangers fan and I can honestly say I did--he's head and shoulders better than anyone VERSUS has to offer. Tonight's MSG broadcast might be his last if the Rangers don't wake up.

Why does MSG need 7 people talking about this game during the intermission? Do they have to justify all of their salaries? Where is Dr. Joyce Brothers?

Why didn't I pick Dallas to win? I almost did. Was it because the Ducks looked so bad, which I thought made Dallas look better than they really were? Why did I stick with San Jose? I hate San Jose. Also, I don't know the way there and I don't care.

Will Jagr stop whining and start playing now that he's had a diving call go his way AND a goal go in while he was in the crease and borderline interfering with MAF?

How did they let just George Laraque score a goal?

Why is the NBC on NHL set so fucking ugly? To distract you from the nonsense spilling out of Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury's mouths? (I like Pierre by himself, especially on XM, but why did they stick him with Milbury?)

Why does barbecued shrimp taste so damn good? (Sorry, I'm taking a dinner break.)

Did Drury just pull a muscle celebrating (when the puck didn't even go in)?

SOPCAST: great invention or THE GREATEST INVENTION?

With this latest slew of Bud Light commercials, joking that it gives you "X-ray vision" and the ability to fly (can you get arrested for drinking and flying?), have they just given up trying to convince you it's a good beer?

Is this Penguins team firing on all cylinders or what? Final: Sidsburgh 5, Rangers 3.

Why does Dallas have the worst in-game music? It's like Jock Jams, Eurodisco and Hair Metal got into a fight in the parking lot.

Is there anything better than OT playoff hockey? I submit that there is not! No commercial breaks, and you can't look away as the game can end in the blink of an eye.

It's a final: Stars 2, Sharks 1 OT.

Should I stay up and watch yet another Detroit game, with Franzen probably scoring a hat trick, and Theodore inexplicably starting in goal? I'll answer this one: no.

SABRETOOTH WILL STILL KICK YOUR ASS

Just in case you missed it the first time around; enjoy Sabretooth's glorious destruction of The New Jersey (hahahaha) Devil.

I've got a ton of different things that I want to talk about, and I'll be god damned if I'm going post 5 different times, when I can do it just once. Don't like it? T.S.

* I've been doing a lot of highway driving at night lately and there's something that bugs me (well there's lots of things that "bug me" but there's this one thing in particular). So, picture it, you're on the highway, you're going from city A to city B (for the sake of argument we'll say Bordeaux to Toulouse, since that's where these observations have taken place). So, it's ~250 km between these two fair towns (that's a little bit over 150 miles). You're driving and you have about 200km to go: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YOUR FUCKING GPS UNIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE? YOU STUPID STUPID PERSON. No, but really. First of all, I think that 90% of people need to spend more time focused on the actual road and less on objects in the vehicle, second, GPS has its uses, but I still prefer an actual road map (which has never told me to turn left on the a highway while going 85mph) and third, even if you need a GPS (I do agree that there are some uses for them, especially in cities), you don't need it to tell you "go straight for...200 miles. Then turn left). I fucking hate this, it's like people who get a new TV and it's the only thing they talk about for like a week...I really hate those people.

*So I was watching the SORNY again last night...and man, I really need to validate my purchase. I'm goign to find a forum where I can tell the world how fucking awesome this thing is. And how I think that my TV magically gets HD broadcasts right with only a SD turner (I read someone who was convinced that this was true).
Has anyone ever noticed this phenomena with recent purchasers of mass-market AV equipment? People always rate their purchase as a 9/10 or 10/10, even though they've only had the TV for a week (well except the people who got a broken one). It's fine for trending (if a lot of TVs are coming back broken, well that's not good), but only an idiot would pay attention to what the purchasers thought.

*I was playing NHL2000 again. After Jeff K's blatant mimicry (it's the best complement they say), I felt the need to kick some Devil ass (like our old friend Sabretooth, who, the public agrees, is definitely kicking ass right now). I played a mini tournament featuring all the NY/NJ teams. I didn't check the difficulty level, but I think, based on the results, that it was on Rookie (2/4). Things went poorly for Eeel-e-ass (it's an NHL officially licensed product too!) and Co. The first round saw each team play once, then a 1-4 seeding with semi and final games. BUF-NJD 6-2, BUF-NYR 11-1, BUF-NYI 8-0. Semifinals BUF-NJD 8-0. Finals BUF-NYI 11-0. Final standings BUF-NYI-NYR-NJD (Ritcher shut the diablos out in the bronze metal game). Miro Satan averaged 3 goals per game. Peca, playing on defense had 2 hat tricks and the Sabres managed to injure 3 of the 5 Islander starters in the Final (somehow I had the Injuries Option Turned "OFF" for most of the tournament). Needless to say, it takes some of the edge off of...

*What the fuck. I mean, there's playing like shit all season, then almost making it at the end, while going out in a blaze of glory (like for example winning out, but not getting any help). And then there's playing like shit all season and then playing like shit in the last 15 games. The fucking Sabres had something like 3 good games this year. Maxim for Men better be traded (yeah, I know, who'll take him and for what? but still) or Darcy Regier is dead to me.

Jeff quoted some stats a few days back, and while I agree that Buffalo's malaise this year can't all be completely attributed to Daniella and Chrissy's departures, Vanek's precipitous drop in numbers can be. He was lined up with Daniella most of last season and a lot of Briere's 63 assists hit Vanek's stick on their way into the net. His +47 last year to -6 this year? I don't know. I don't want to be called a cynic, but he had an entry-level contract last year and he's got $52mil promised over the next 7 now? Meh. He'd better pick it up some next year, I tell ya, I watched a game back when they still had a chance (a week or so back) and he was dogging it something awful on every shift. I like the kid, he's big, he's strong, he can score goals, but he also seems to have a lazy streak that someone of his remuneration should not even consider.

*I would take the Cryers in the playoffs if it meant that the Sens didn't make it. That would make me laugh so much.

*I've watched a few soccer games lately, mostly to see how the LCD handles heavy motion and since it's getting late in the international competitions there aren't any French teams left. So I've been paying attention to the protocol for a French announcer; i.e. who they must support/encourage to win:

1. The French National Team (FNT) vs _________(up to and including God).

2. Former French colony (or country with French-sounding name) vs anyone [except the FNT]

3. French Team vs non-French team in International competition (UEFA, Champions League)

4. Non-French team with French coach vs. non-French team with non-French coach.

5. Non-French team with FNT players vs. non-French team without FNT players

6. Non-French team with French-sounding player (usually from one of the teams in #2) vs. Non-French team without French-sounding player.

7. Non-French team with non-French-sound player who last year had a French player vs Non-French team with non-French-sounding player who did not have a French player last year.

It goes on and on like this, but this is apparently the law as laid down by L'Academie Française. I have no source information, except having watched games on all the major French channels, where every game they need to prove that they follow the above rules; loudly and repetitively.

OVER 10000 PEOPLE'S TIME WASTED

Congratulations to the 10,000th reader of the Open Hockey blog! It seems impossible, unfathomable to me that that many people have accidentally stumbled upon this blog. Thanks for checking us out. But most of all I'd like to thank myself, and the great OH blog team--we never gave up hope! And I wanna thank Jesus, and say hi to my special lady, Marge: we did it, baby! Whooooo hooooo! Anyway, sometime on Monday, Lucky Fan #10K turned over our counter to read 5 digits, and while I can't be sure who it was I'm going with the guy who searched for "is dana jacobson single" and found my "Dana swilling Belvedere vodka" tribute post. Yes, Dana is still single and refuses to call me. And no, random Googler, you don't have a chance in hell of getting her to date you because you don't have a fantastic blog like mine. So there.

Other random thoughts:

* I think we can stop putting those irritating "security" stickers on top of DVDs and CDs, since there are a bazillion torrents available on the internet of pretty much everything now. Those impossible to remove "thief proof" stickers along the top of the case are laughable, and with rampant the file sharing that goes on it's akin to putting a band-aid on a severed head.

* You know when you're walking towards someone else in a hallway, and you turn into a doorway or down another hallway before you pass them? What is the minimum "greeting radius", the distance from the person that requires you acknowledge them in some way? I say it's 30 feet, and if you're further away than that you don't have to say "hi", or "morning" or nod.

* During the hockey shootout, the players should take off their helmets. Why do they need to wear them? Of course I'm talking about the shooters, not the goalies; that would be silly. No, I think the goalies should remove their pants.

* While it was enjoyable to see Villanova blow the doors off of Syracuse by 19 points yesterday, today's loss to Georgetown by the same margin (and score, 82-63, during which they drained a ri-fucking-diculous 17 3-pointers) was frustrating. So it's now official: they aren't going to be in the NCAA tournament. Coming up next: are the Wildcats going to be overlooked for the NCAA tournament? Yes, they are. Or are they? Sportsline's Gary Parrish was paid to say "I have no fucking idea." Joe "Bracketology" Lunardi says they're one of the "Next Four Out", whatever that means. Jay Bilas of ESPN says the 'Cats are in, but Jay Bilas also likes vanilla and long walks on the beach. So fucking what? His opinion is just as valid as mine, and I say he's full of shit. When was the last time anyone from ESPN was right anyway? I'm going to go with back in the early 1980s when they decided to show Australian rules football.

* Now that "The Wire" is over, I was looking for another show to waste my time watching. There's good buzz surrounding AMC's "Breaking Bad", a show about a high school chemistry teacher who is told has terminal cancer decides to start his own meth lab. However, everything seems to be conspiring against my ability to watch this show. First, every show is available on my Cablevision OnDemand channel . . . EXCEPT THE FIRST TWO. And those first two aren't on the AMC site. Also, what the hell does "Breaking Bad" even mean? And how can you call your network "American Movie Classics" when you don't show classic American movies? Okay, now I've lost interest in watching the show. Maybe I'll look for "Mad Men" DVDs to rent, or something.

* If you were born after 1980 you probably prefer "Family Guy", and if you were born before 1980, you probably like "The Simpsons". If you are born after 1980, and you come up to me saying "Family Guy" is overall funnier than "The Simpsons", you're wrong. End of discussion. Now get off of my lawn! (Of course, some Stewie and Brian scenes are funny . . . no, I won't back down.)

* Coors Light has bar coasters featuring a bunch of green colored Coors bottle caps in the shape of a shamrock, with the slogan "Irish Enough". What the fuck does that mean? It's Irish enough for you, just drink it, stupid.

* GOLF magazine says in their Masters preview issue that if it comes down to a final round showdown between FIGJAM and Tiger, FIGJAM would win it. Tiger is playing as well as we've ever seen him, so what are they basing that on? Phil has "confidence". Yeah, right. I too can be pretty confident, but I ain't winning a match against the greatest golfer ever. What am I saying? I'm not even confident about posting this crap on the blog.