DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE MEGAN FOX EDITION

This is Megan Fox and from all indications (and Google image searches) she appears to dislike pants immensely. She's an "actress" who appeared in The Transformers "movie", or so I'm told by the interwebs. I'm not planning on ever watching it, but I can attest to the fact that she transformed my loose jeans into a pair that is significantly tighter in the crotch area.

Whenever I see a link for "megan fox wet bare feet", there is a 100% chance that I'm clicking on it. I predict that this will be the downfall of our country, wherein a not-too-web-savvy future President clicks on a similar link, and unbeknownst to him it will accidentally launch a thousand nukes, release cyanide into the water supply, or erase the database for every bank in the entire world (possibly all three).

But I digress. The bottom line is: Megan is quite a Fox! (See what I did there? Clever, eh?)

(Now, to throw some cold water on this post: the 21 year old actress is engaged to 34 year old "Beverly Hills 90210" assclown Brian Austin Green. I also predict, judging by her tattoos, nip slips and plastic surgery, that she will hit the wall hard and become the next Tara Reid.)

BUBBLE HOCKEY!

For no other reason than I think this is funny, here's a video of bubble hockey trick shots, brought to you by the North American Bubble Hockey Association (there is such a thing?).



The super slo-mo on the deep slappers is priceless. My goal is to get one of these before the year is over. Anyone know where I can get one cheap? A new one goes for $2695 on Ebay -- a little pricey for me.

Finally, it's Sabres announcer Rick Jeanneret calling a bubble hockey game at a Ryan Miller charity event. Yes, he even makes this game sound exciting.

PERFECT(LY AWFUL) SEASON

It's all over but the crying. The NJIT men's basketball team has set a new standard for suckitude. A few weeks ago I wasn't sure if it was even possible, yet they somehow persevered and completed a totally defeated season: 29 games up, 29 games they were knocked down.

There have been two 0-28 teams, but this team did them one better. And there's never one with such an impressive, flawless record such as this. The final nail in the coffin of NCAA basketball history didn't get hammered down easily either: their flight on Saturday afternoon was delayed out of Newark, and the game at Utah Valley State delayed an hour. They even stormed out to a 6-5 lead with just 37½ minutes to go, but the end result was the same as it ever was. They were never truly in the game, just like they were never in the season.

If Coach Casciano was still around, maybe he'd explain why he decided not to schedule the maximum of 4 Division II opponents, instead opting for the minimum of zero. However, he quit after this game, choosing to go out at the bottom. So we'll probably never know.

My favorite quote from one of the players, freshman point guard Jeryl Wilson (who is considering a transfer): "It's been hard. I'm just hoping to forget about it in a month or two. High school was fun. This is completely the opposite."

That sounds like a completely, thoroughly defeated young man.

CONGRATULATIONS NEW JERSEY TECH HIGHLANDERS. 0-29: The Perfect Season.

(Book on pre-sale at Amazon.com. I think some guy from Boston already trademarked that last week.)

Photo courtesy of AP/Douglas C. Pizac, who showed up at this game for some godforsaken reason.

ONN: ONLINE DATING SITES MAKE WOMEN'S FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR LOVE EASIER THAN EVER

From the Onion News Network's TECH TRENDS.

Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse.

I should have posted this for V-Day, but better late than never.

TOYS: BRENT MUSBURGER ACTION FIGURE

For no other reason other than I think it's hilarious, it's the BRENT MUSBURGER ACTION FIGURE (from the Rocky II collection).



Now with microphone gripping action!

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE ART OF ROB ULLMAN

I really like this guy's artwork, so I'm going to link to him here. It's Atom-Bomb Bikini: The Art of Rob Ullman.
He's got various sketches, drawings and comics up on his blog, and most of them show his affinity for the female form (some NSFW, if cartoon nudes offend anyone). A great example is his drawing of a girl in her Winter Classic powder blue throwback Pittsburgh Penguins sweater:



Great stuff.

WELCOME TO THE HEART OF JEFFUARY

It was a beautiful day for golf--in south Florida anyway. If I can find an interwebs connection above 24K I'll post something for real.

UPDATE (11:47 PM): Okay, I'm connected at 26.4K right now which is technically "faster", even though my cell phone's browser blows this away. It just shows you how far we've come in a decade, though I'm not sure it's "progress".

Welcome to the HEART OF JEFFUARY, which I've named because we're halfway through the month and it's my birthday (thanks for the birthday wishes, you know who you are). Oh, and it's also that annoying, lovey-dovey, buy-chocolate-and-jewerly-for-no-reason Hallmark holiday.

Most importantly, after my round of golf I found a place nearby that has a great beer selection, because I needed a quality brew to have with my birthday steak. After much deliberation I picked up a 500 mL bottle of Schneider Aventinus, "Germany's Original Wheat-Doppelbock Ale". It's a fantastic 8.2% ABV malty concoction with both fruity cherry and chocolatey notes, and it singlehandedly blows away any crap candy you might have gotten for V-Day.

So I had a fantastic HEART OF JEFFUARY, and I hope you did too.

(P.S. This is blog post #666, which may or may not be a good omen.)

SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!

This is going to be the best football off-season ever. I had such an enjoyable week just basking in the warmth of the Giants Super Bowl victory. You have no idea.

The Giants Super Bowl Tuesday parade and stadium celebration was all about Michael Strahan. He was completely off the rails, and it was hilarious. Here's a video clip of him at Giants Stadium as he imitates Howard Dean.



He's working on the comedy act for his post-NFL television career, no doubt. But the best quote is his message to the Patriots: WE STOMPED YOU OUT!



Meanwhile, everyone's new media darling, Eli Manning visited the Late Show With David Letterman the other night, and got in a few good lines.

Dave: What did you feel when you saw [Belichick] sneaking off the field like that?
Eli: Trying to beat traffic, I guess.

I don't know if someone wrote that for him, but it's priceless. Will he be the next sports figure to host SNL? Stay tuned.

One additional note: the field angle shot shown in the Letterman clip was great, but even more interesting was the amount of Giants jerseys you can see in the crowd. Look behind Eli (at around :50) while he's making his GIANT ESCAPE, and you see practically all Giants jerseys. I heard that this Super Bowl was different than previous games due to the large amount of ACTUAL FANS in attendance, which I suppose that was due to the massive amount of corporate ties for people in New York and Boston. So while the corporate douchebags reselling the tickets are enjoying the cash they made, at least some actual fans got to see the game and enjoy the priceless Giants victory.

Here's how WFAN's Bob Papa called that play on the radio. While I don't understand how he considered Tyree to be "wide open", it was still a thousand times better than Joe Buck's blase call on FOX. Just like emotionless call of the Tynes winning FG in Green Bay, he sounded like he was reading the instructions on a soup can. Yes, I know it's a visual medium and you don't have to be as descriptive, but at least show a little emotion. Because if you can't get excited about what NFL Films' Steve Sabol calls "the greatest play in Super Bowl history" (a guy who has been to every Super Bowl, I might add), why are you even doing the play-by-play? Your dad was a legend, but you are an asshat. Fuck you, Joe Buck.

So that's it for now regarding the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS.

(I repeat: that will never get old.)

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? IT'S HOCKEY CHEERLEADERS

Today's DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? post is a tribute to the University of Minnesota’s Gopher Hockey Cheerleaders.



Want attendance to go up in the NHL? Try this out, Bettman! It couldn't hurt.

THE PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

Lately, there's been a lot of talk about perfect seasons. Maybe, maybe too much talk, as too many congratulatory voices can ultimately spoil the relentless pursuit of perfection. As we've already happily discovered this week, some teams have the talent but lack the intestinal fortitude to achieve such lofty aspirations.

As the men's college basketball season heats up, one team has separated itself from the rest of the pack and stands alone--and rightfully so. No, I'm not talking about Memphis, who probably by now has won over 20 games or so--I've honestly lost count. The team to which I am referring is none other than the New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders, who are on the verge of a perfect season.

A perfectly winless season.

Currently sporting on an astonishing 0-24 record, the NJIT squad is ranked an unsurpassable 341 out of 341 Division I NCAA basketball teams. This is no mean feat. Starting off the season getting unceremoniously waxed by Manhattan (8-14) by a score 70-28, they haven't looked back, nor have they looked forward; in fact, one would be hard pressed to determine that they have affixed their gaze in any discernable direction all season. Along the way, they've succumbed to each and every perennial powerhouse they've met: stoned by Stony Brook (4-18), lambasted by Longwood (3-20), mauled by the Maine Black Bears (5-16), just to name a few.

This is just their second season as a Division I Independent since moving up from Division II, and they've come a long way since their inaugural 5-24 record. Only two other teams have gone totally defeated: Savannah State (2004-05) and Prairie View (1991-92), both going 0-28. But can they pull off a season of such distinction? Unlike the 2007 Miami Dolphins (1-15), I believe they have it in them, and whatever "it" is might have to be surgically removed.

Here is their remaining schedule (with each opponent's record and CBS Sportsline RPI rank in parentheses):

Feb 9: @UT-Pan American (9-13, #297)

Feb 13: @La Salle (8-11, #194)
Feb 16: Chicago St. (7-15, #205)
Feb 18: @Longwood (3-20, #332)
Feb 23: @Utah Valley St. (9-13, #246)

As you can see, virtually nothing stands in their way of achieving perfection. Of these final 5 games, 4 are on the road, 3 of which are against teams who have already soundly thrashed them, and the other is at LaSalle, to which they should easily surrender a win. And I don't know how many college basketball fans have filled Newark's 1,500 seat Estelle and Zoom Fleisher Athletic Center to witness history (I'm going to guess not many), but that Chicago State game will be their final chance to do so.

Can this team go all the way and nail down that elusive Perfect Season? So far they've made it appear effortless; not only do the players seem to be up to the task, but Coach Jim Casciano seems to know how to get them to not to perform. It's like the movie "The Perfect Storm"; as you may recall, all the characters drowned at the end. However, this is a group that cannot be started. I say they will finish the season exactly the way they started it, and get it done.

0-29: The Perfect Season. It's so close you can practically taste it coming back up.

'ARRESTED' MOVIE IN DEVELOPMENT?

No sooner did I post the pilot of Arrested Development to kick off Jeffuary did this little news tidbit arrive: Jeffrey Tambor said on XM Radio's Ron & Fez Show that plans for an AD movie are in the works. Jason Bateman is also very interested, and producers Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard are attempting to round of the rest of the show's cast members. They already have an idea for the storyline, which is the first good reason I've heard yet to end the writers' strike.

If past performance is an indication of future results, it will garner a 92% Tomatometer rating from critics while making $92,000 at the box office. But with the state of comedy movies today (Meet The Spartans, Norbit, Adam Sandler steadfastly refusing to retire), this is refreshing news and obviously incredible news for the fans of the show like me. And since all three seasons are on DVD, you have no excuse not to catch up. (I really want Season Three for my birthday.)

CAN JEFFUARY GET ANY BETTER? I HUMBLY SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT!

STEVE HOLT!

Photo courtesy of Fox Entertainment

SUPER BOWL XLII: WHY IT WAS THE BEST EVER

It's Fat Super Bowl Tuesday, and I'm still soaking in the Giants' shocking victory on Sunday night. A lot will be said about this Super Bowl, but none of it matters because it wasn't said by me. Being a lifelong Giants fan (and not just when it was fashionable to be one), I may be a little biased but here's why this was the best Super Bowl ever:

• It was won by a 2 touchdown underdog against a previously undefeated team. Therefore, I'd have to say that this was the single biggest upset in NFL history, and maybe all of professional sports. (People are going to tell you Namath leading the Jets to win Super Bowl III was bigger, but they're asshats and they're wrong.)
• The New England Patriots didn't lose this game, the New York Giants won it, with an 83 yard game winning TD drive in the final 2 minutes. As a bonus, there were no sissy kickers involved in the final decision.
• It put to bed the endless "are the 2007 Patriots are the greatest team ever?" discussions. Now we know they're not. That title still belongs to the 1985 Chicago Bears, followed by the 1984 San Francisco 49ers (both 18-1), and then the 1972 undefeated Miami Dolphins. However, the '07 Pats were just elected into the Hall of Nice.
• Defense wins championships. Yes, it's a cliché but it's so often true. The Patriots record-smashing offense averaged nearly 37 points a game during the regular season, yet were held to just 14 on Sunday, as Brady was knocked down 23 times (5 sacks) and constantly pestered by the Giants pass rush. (The unsung hero for the Giants was Justin Tuck: 6 tackles + 2 sacks + 1 forced fumble = 1 fantastic game by the Giants' defensive lineman. THE TUCK RULES!)
• The Giants wanted it more. Yes, that's another cliché, but try and convince me that they didn't. You can't, and you never will.
• Bill "Mumbles" Belichick, the genius coach who could do no wrong, was outcoached by Tom "Screaming" Coughlin and the Giants' staff.
• It proved that arrogance doesn't win you games (e.g. Brady's snarky laughter regarding Plaxico's 23-17 prediction), you have to actually go out on the field and perform. (One additional point: how ironic is it that Tiki Barber interviewed Eli Manning on the TODAY show on Monday morning? AAAAWKWARD. I prefer to think that Tiki, and his massive ego, were both dying a little inside.)
• It was a fitting payback for the Pats' coaching staff getting caught cheating, for which Belichick could still be suspended for. The moral of the story: kids, you shouldn't cheat to get ahead.
• Back-to-back Super Bowl MVPs were won by a pair of brothers. You can hate the Manning family if you want, but that's astonishing.

Of course, this game is nothing without the Game Winning Drive, the one that turned Eli Manning into a Man, the same drive that made me alternate between nervously pacing, hopping with joy, and screaming at the screen like a complete lunatic. This had three memorable components:

THE ESCAPE. Third and 5 on the Giants 44, with 1:15 left Eli Manning dropped back to pass and immediately had 4 Patriots defenders swarm him, one hitting him in the head, several grabbing his shirt, and a sack looked like a foregone conclusion. But none of them ever tackled him and he somehow got free, rolled right and unloaded a rainbow pass to the middle of the field for a ridiculous 32 yard completion.

THE CATCH. The player on the other end of that pass, jumping just a little higher than Rodney Harrison at the Pats 24 yard line, was David Tyree. Though he spent most of the season on special teams and only had 4 catches, he ended up having the game of his life at wide receiver, with a TD and the biggest catch in Super Bowl history. Going up to grab it with both hands, Harrison had a fistful of his jersey with one hand as he tried to knock it out with the other. But he somehow pressed it against his helmet with his right hand as he fell backwards onto the defender, then rolled over with it firmly in his clutches without the ball ever touching the ground. Unreal. The phrase "miraculous catch" was just replaced by the word "Tyree".

THE WINNER. When Eli threw the TD pass to Plaxico Burress with :35 left, that ball seemed to hang in the air forever. And that feeling when you see the ball at its apex, and the camera pans to show the receiver wide open with nothing but a glorious expanse of endzone grass surrounding him, and before he even catches it you know it's going to happen, and the euphoria sweeps over you as you hold your breath and wait for the winning score to become reality . . . I wish you could bottle that up and sell it. It's amazing.

(Also on that drive: Jacobs converting a crucial 4th and 1; Steve Smith catching a 5 yard out on 3rd and 11 and turning it upfield for a first down.)

Of the three SB wins I've witnessed, I enjoyed this one the most. The 1986 championship team was a juggernaut for whom a SB win seemed like a fitting climax; the 1990 team went undefeated most of the season and, despite stumbling a bit after losing its starting QB, won it all with the help of a lucky missed FG. But there was really nothing special or extraordinary about this 2007 team, except how they played when it mattered.

I've bitched about this team for years, frustrated by their inconsistency, wondering which Giants team was going to show up on any given night. Why does this team do this to me? Why do I let them? However, moments like this remind me why I bother to hang in there and root for them. Now it feels like it was all worth it.

(In a week, I will be reporting from the Florida gulf coast where I will be playing some golf and relaxing on the beach. EVERYTHING'S COMING UP JEFFUARY!)

That great photo courtesy of New York Times photographer Doug Mills.

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

It's that magical month once again, where it's all about me. (Kris also turns 30 at some point this month, but never mind that.)

I've got several things planned for this supersized leap-yearified 29 day month, including: drinking, skiing, the 1st ANNUAL LEAP INTO JEFFUARY NYC PUB CRAWL (details coming soon), videogames, a week long trip to Florida featuring golf, going to the beach, jetskiing and drinking (possibly all at once), a college hockey game, finally going to see that damn Coen Brothers movie, and much much more. Most important of all, I'd like to thank the New York Giants for playing in HYPER-MATCH 101010 on Sunday, making this an extra special Jeffuary. (And win or lose, I will be taking a sick day on Hyper-Match Monday and hitting some golf balls somewhere.)

As I've done for the past two years here on the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG (proud member of the EYE-OPENER family of hate blogs), I'm going to put up a daily post featuring whatever the hell I want (as if I haven't been doing that already). Today, it's a video from one of my all time favorite TV shows.

Arrested Development was one of the funniest shows ever. Sparsely watched but critically acclaimed during its brief three season run on FOX, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb there. Smartly written and densely packed with jokes, it was also excellently casted (who knew Jason Bateman could be a hilariously dry straight man?). And Will Arnett (GOB) never ceases to crack me up; it's a shame his movie career so far has been awful.

I see new things every time I watch an episode of this show, which is pretty much all I've done for the past month since getting Season 1 and 2 on DVD. And if you didn't follow it from the beginning, I admit it would seem rather daunting; you need to know the background of the characters and their situations to truly appreciate the humor, plot, and many call-backs to previous episodes. With the availability of the shows on DVD, TV (I think it's still on G4TV?) and online (thanks, Hulu!), you have no excuse. I will not let you ignore it. So let's start at the very beginning.

"Pilot"
Season 1
Episode 1
Time: 21:44
Aired: Sunday, November 2, 2003
Moments after Michael Bluth decides he's leaving the family business because he was passed over for a promotion, his father is arrested for shady bookkeeping.



Arrested Development [G4TV site]

Whatever happened to Alia Shawkat? All I know is that she turned 18 last April and she's filled out rather nicely. Couldn't Michael Cera get her a juicy nude scene part in one of his movies?




UPDATE (5:00 PM): Hulu isn't working at all today. Thanks for ruining Jeffuary! Stupid Hulu, with your stupid name. What is a Hulu anyway? Besides a non-working crappy website?