Wednesday, January 30, 2008


HYPER-MATCH 101010 - GIANTS VS. PATRIOTS - SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2008During the NFL's insufferable FORTNIGHT OF JACKASSERY leading up to this Sunday's HYPER-MATCH 101010, I would usually just turn off the radio and television in order to avoid the media coverage completely. However, with my team, the Giants, representing the NFC I was forced to wear earplugs and blindfolds for the duration, removing them only to watch hockey (could be true). I also made it a point to not visit any sports websites that didn't rhyme with "Fredspin" or "Missing Floozy Folder". Basically, everyone takes 5 minutes of analysis and spreads it out over 2 horrific weeks. Call me crazy, but I'm not listening to a guy who didn't watch this Giants team play for the past 20 weeks, yet has suddenly become an expert on the subject. Even more maddening, the non-sports media can't shut up about it either, covering related stories that no one cares about, like the expensive commercials, the halftime show, how to throw a party, the mayors' bets and blabbity blabbity blah.

So this will be my only preview post concerning pro football's HYPER-MATCH. I'm only going to interrupt the festivities to bring you BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS, of the variety that ESPN News is known for. For example, yesterday on the channel it informed me on the bottom of the screen:

New England Patriots and New York Giants play in Super Bowl XLII Sunday 6 PM. Be sure to tune into ESPN this Sunday for the EUROPEAN FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIP.

Good to know. Well, here at the OPEN HOCKEY BLOG we have this item just coming in--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Pats QB Tom Brady is an attractive human being of the male gender. He has won previous HYPER-MATCHES in his career, the number of which is still unknown. Stay tuned!

So you see, there really isn't anything new to repor--


BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Despite team's success, Coach Coughlin is still a screaming moron.

Okay, I don't know why that was "breaking", it wasn't like we didn't already know . . . wait a sec . . .

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Rob is reporting that "Brady is setting up for some kind of Schilling phony bloody sock thing this Sunday, with his 'sprained' ankle."

Okay, at least this is something, and I agree. He's still milking that? He probably took notes from T.O. a few weeks back: 1. Wear a boot and/or use crutches in the presence of cameramen. 2. If you have a great game people will shower you with golden praise and call you Superman; if not, you have a built-in excuse for your crappy play. It's a WIN-WIN, people!

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Eli Manning is Peyton's little brother. It has been confirmed that they are both Archie Manning's sons. Yet they're not exactly alike, for some unknown reason which we've yet to uncover. Stay tuned!

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Kris is reporting from OPEN HOCKEY'S French office: "Sorry, it's been foretold by Tecmo Bowl . . . no use even playing the game now."

Yeah, you're right, now that Tecmo has spoken the game is a mere formality. The background music is freaking great; all it's missing is Harry Kalas' narration:

Everything was coming up Big Blue, until Eli threw an ill-advised pass across his body into the end zone for an INT . . .
Before long the record-setting combination would hook up again, as Brady dropped back 30 yards to throw an 80 yard bomb to Moss . . .
On 2nd and 3, Jacobs had a wide open hole that closed before he could find it . . .


BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Puppies are cute! Stay tuned for Puppy Bowl IV!

This is an undisputible fact, but hardly news.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: While most bars have HD-capable flat panel screens installed, most of them still do not have HD. WTF?

During my past two weeks of media avoidance, I discovered that it's quite expensive for bars/restaurants to get DirecTV in HD: a plan that costs less than $100 a month from Cablevision costs over $200 from DirecTV. Furthermore, the satellite provider bases all of their charges on "estimated viewing occupancy", so the more people you can fit in your establishment, the more they bilk you for cash. This is why most bars do not have HD set-ups, or simply have the (exclusive to DirecTV) NFL Sunday Ticket plan without HD. That's poor marketing.

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: An anagram for the New England Patriots is "Grow Talent and Penis".

Sorry, that one didn't make any sense. That's it, I'm ending this--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: (YOUR TEAM) is very confident that they will win! This could give the opposing team much needed locker-room bulletin board fodder, which is a proven motivational tool! Stay tuned!

What? Stop th--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: Wes Welker is still white.

Okay, enough jackassery. This is all I'm going to say about the Giants team that I root for, despite the fact that they are burdened by playing in the NFL.

The Giants are an inconsistent, mediocre team. They are merely the NFC team that managed to suck the least in 2007. They've played good enough during this playoff run, and while Elisha has been solid (53/85, 599 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 0 FUM, 6 SACKS), and the defense has been serviceable, this in itself will not add up to a win. To get this far they've had to rely on mistakes by the Cowgirls (penalties, interceptions, poor tackling) and the Packers (INT in OT due to reckless gunslinging); they will get no such gifts this Sunday. To say they have to play mistake free football is a massive understatement. If even one player has to re-tie their shoelaces, all is lost.

I said everything was a bonus after they beat Tampa, and then Dallas. But it will be incredibly frustrating to watch this team get this far only to have Tommy Dreamboat & The Super Spies capture yet another HYPER-MATCH ring, thus increasing the douchebaggishness of New England sports fans exponentially. Either way, it's an excuse to get incredibly drunk somewhere on Sunday night and miss work on Monday. I have no delusions that this team is good enough to repeat this feat again, so this may be the last time we see this team in the HYPER-MATCH for a while. I'm going to enjoy this game one way or the other.

Oh crap, not another one--

BREAKING HYPER-MATCH NEWS: An anagram for the New York Giants: Win A Strong Key.

I couldn't agree more.


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