Wednesday, January 16, 2008

0% GOOD!

We have our first 0% movie of 2008! That's right. Out of 55 reviews, NOBODY has recommended the cinematic turd entitled "One Missed Call".

As you may know, January is the annual dumping ground for bad movies. I should clarify: bad movies come out every week, but these are the ones that Hollywood knows are bad, AND don't think they can make any money on, and that equals fucking horrible. And sweet bastard, the slate of movies coming out this month sure do look atrocious. Someone (not me) should go see all of them and write a book.

Infesting a theater near you in January:

First Sunday. I've never thought Tracy Morgan was funny. Sit through the trailer for this and try to argue otherwise.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. I guess it could be worse, it could be "Transporter 3".

Cloverfield. "Blair Witch" meets "Independence Day"--the hybrid no one asked for! Once again, please stop beating up the Statue of Liberty, you Hollywood assholes.

Mad Money. Chick flick alert! I bet Queen Latifah says something "sassy" in this one, am I right? Diane Keaton really needs to stop making movies, period. I wouldn't watch this even if Jim Cramer was yelling at them the whole time.

Meet the Spartans. Approximately 0% funny!

How She Move. Is there a verb missing here? Maybe a letter dropped off the marquee?

Rambo. It's over, Johnny. No, really, I checked.

Untraceable. Unwatchable!

27 Dresses. EXTREME TO THE MAX CHICK FLICK ALERT!

February ain't much better:

Jumper starring muthafuckin' Samuel L. Jackson. By my calculations, he's made approximately 1 good movie and has just coasted since then.

The Eye: Jessica Alba is blind, so she doesn't know how hot she is!

Postal. Uwe Boll's magnum opus, as if he could even spell that.

Witless Protection. Fuck Larry the Cable Guy and upgrade to FiOS.

Fool's Gold. What is this, "Romancing The Stone"? Who greenlighted another McConaughey/Hudson movie? Are they the new Crosby/Hope?

The Hottie & the Nottie. The three words that strikes fear in the hearts of moviegoers: Starring Paris Hilton.

And now I've lost the will to continue typing.