HOCKEY IS GIANT DICK JOKE TO MIKE MYERS

I'll admit it: Mike Meyers is a funny guy given the right material, namely So I Married An Axe Murderer, and the first Austin Powers and Shrek movies, before their respective premises were beaten to death. He even had some truly funny moments on "Saturday Night Live", and to my surprise the Wayne's World skit translated into a pretty funny pair of movies (it also helped that I severely lowered my expectations).

However, the evil Canadian comedic actor has officially pissed me off with his latest movie, The Love Guru. He claims to love the good old sport of hockey, citing the Maple Leaves as his favourite [sic] team. This morning on XM Radio he even said he made this "comedy" as a tribute to his father, who died in 1991. Well, he sure has a hell of a way of professing his love.

This movie, based around the saving of Toronto's NHL franchise, looks completely terrible. Currently sporting an atrociously low Tomatometer rating most critics agree that it is a flaming pile of dung, preferably leftover from two elephants copulating at center ice. Yes, that is an actual joke that Myers thought was funny enough to include in this film.

Some choice quotes from various reviews (which really need to be compiled and put in the advertisements):

"[It] isn't really about spiritual well-being or hockey; it's about Myers' mistaken belief that the comedic possibilities of male genitalia are endless." [Scott Von Doviak, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1 star]

"Myers has made some funny movies, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents." [Roger Ebert, 1 star]

"Pop culture riffing, winking double entendres, scatalogical humor, and silly names aren't just the foremost weapons in Myers' comic arsenal, they're all he's got." [Nathan Rabin, Onion AV Club, Grade: D+]

"The Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again." [NY Times]

Okay, we get it: this is a giant ball of suck. But couldn't he have picked any other sport besides the NHL to treat as a diaper for this shitfest? Maybe NASCAR, poker or billiards? No, he had to put in a hockey subplot which includes Justin Timberlake as a L.A. Kings goalie named "Jacque 'Le Coq' Grande". HA HA! I GET IT! HIS NAME IMPLIES THAT HE HAS A BIG PENIS! HA HA HA! Ugh.

Not only will this movie piss off hockey fans (in at least 5 ways according to Greg "Cock Daddy" "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski), but they wasted the talents of Stephen Colbert (who apparently isn't funny as a Hockey Night In Canada commentator) and Jessica Alba (who unfortunately isn't at all naked). Oh, and the SPOILER ALERT team from Toronto ends up winning the Stanley Cup. Just like the Bruce Almighty jinx placed upon Buffalo, this craptacular movie should ensure that won't happen for quite a while. I honestly think that the whole reason this movie was made, other than to steal money from gullible bored teenagers, was to get that photo of Verne Troyer dwarfed by the Cup.

(Photo by Lester Cohen © WireImage.com)

0% GOOD!

We have our first 0% movie of 2008! That's right. Out of 55 reviews, NOBODY has recommended the cinematic turd entitled "One Missed Call".

As you may know, January is the annual dumping ground for bad movies. I should clarify: bad movies come out every week, but these are the ones that Hollywood knows are bad, AND don't think they can make any money on, and that equals fucking horrible. And sweet bastard, the slate of movies coming out this month sure do look atrocious. Someone (not me) should go see all of them and write a book.

Infesting a theater near you in January:

First Sunday. I've never thought Tracy Morgan was funny. Sit through the trailer for this and try to argue otherwise.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. I guess it could be worse, it could be "Transporter 3".

Cloverfield. "Blair Witch" meets "Independence Day"--the hybrid no one asked for! Once again, please stop beating up the Statue of Liberty, you Hollywood assholes.

Mad Money. Chick flick alert! I bet Queen Latifah says something "sassy" in this one, am I right? Diane Keaton really needs to stop making movies, period. I wouldn't watch this even if Jim Cramer was yelling at them the whole time.

Meet the Spartans. Approximately 0% funny!

How She Move. Is there a verb missing here? Maybe a letter dropped off the marquee?

Rambo. It's over, Johnny. No, really, I checked.

Untraceable. Unwatchable!

27 Dresses. EXTREME TO THE MAX CHICK FLICK ALERT!

February ain't much better:

Jumper starring muthafuckin' Samuel L. Jackson. By my calculations, he's made approximately 1 good movie and has just coasted since then.

The Eye: Jessica Alba is blind, so she doesn't know how hot she is!

Postal. Uwe Boll's magnum opus, as if he could even spell that.

Witless Protection. Fuck Larry the Cable Guy and upgrade to FiOS.

Fool's Gold. What is this, "Romancing The Stone"? Who greenlighted another McConaughey/Hudson movie? Are they the new Crosby/Hope?

The Hottie & the Nottie. The three words that strikes fear in the hearts of moviegoers: Starring Paris Hilton.

And now I've lost the will to continue typing.

WEEKLY TOP 10: BECAUSE KRIS HATES TOP 10 LISTS

10. I put a mirror in my living room so I can quickly poke my head out of the kitchen while I'm cooking to see what's on TV. This was a genius move, and I don't know why it took me 6 years of living in my apartment to figure this out.

9. Kris put up a fuckatively funny post the other day which made me think about, among other things, the Rotten Tomatoes "Tomatometer" ratings. Regardless of the fact that he didn't like "Knocked Up", I think we should use the percentages to pay the actors for their work. For example, if someone signs a $1 million contract to star in a flick, a 87% rating would net them 87% of that amount ($870,000), while a 3% rating would earn them only $30,000. That's still decent pay day, and they could also get a percentage of the box office receipts if they so choose, but it would make actors think twice before agreeing to make a piece of shit movie.

8. There's officially no difference in value between the US dollar and the Canadian loonie, as US$1.00000 now equals C$1.00507. I guess the Quebecois strippers won't be getting my money after all--they're probably all Russians anyway.

7. It's Halloween candy buying time, and it's already an undisputed fact that Brach's makes the best candy corn; it's not open for debate. But I discovered that they also make a fantastic "caramel candy corn", which I give 9 thumbs up.

6. I'm not sure why I didn't look into this before: Planet Fitness only charges $10 a month (after a $59 initiation fee, at the newly opened Nanuet location). Wow, I was paying $57 at my previous gym before I quit. Plus, they're open 24 hours on the weekdays, so I can run on the treadmill at 2 AM! Finally! Okay, maybe not. I'll still hate the gym, but the lower price will make it much less painful.

5. Here's a fantastic golf story. Bruce Crampton, who had a reputation as being a bit ornery, was partnered at a pro-am with a woman. At the beginning of the round she told him that a friend bet her $10 that he wouldn't say 5 words to her all day. His response was: "Sorry lady, you lose". He didn't speak to her again. A perfect demonstration of douchebaggery if I've ever heard one.

4. The season premiere of HEROES featured one of the more egregious product placements that I've ever seen. When dropping off Claire at her new cliche-ridden high school (the head cheerleader is so mean to newbies!), the camera sweeps across the front bumper of the family car in such a way that not only can we tell it's a NISSAN their driving, but it fills my entire widescreen HDTV and obscures the actors. Then he hands her the keys and she excitedly shrieks, "The Rogue?!?" Uhm, the what? Why, it's the new NISSAN Rogue crossover vehicle, which 3 identical commercials in a row informed us several minutes later. The trade-off for less ads is more NISSAN logos shoved in your face during the show? Pretty disgusting.

3. I read this with alarm: ad blocking plug-ins like AdBlock might be illegal. Fuck you, internet advertisers, I'll block ads in Firefox if I want to. The only thing that incessant web ads do is make me NOT want to buy your product (or tune into your show, like NBC's Chuck). You know what I hate? Those irritating Lowermybills.com ads with some dancing thing on it telling me I can easily put my house into foreclosure RIGHT FROM MY COMPUTER! Ugh.

2. Tiger Woods will be playing this weekend in the "USA vs. The Others" Presidents Cup. I guess I'll tune in, but I'm honestly worn out after the "playoffs". So since that's over, is this like the PGA equivalent of the Pro Bowl?

1. AMAZON has finally announced its online digital music download service called, well, AMAZONmp3. There are several things that make it better than iTunes: the tracks are DRM-free to use on any player, nice sounding 256kbps mp3s, the tracks are always cheaper (ranging from $0.49-$0.99), and you get a discount for buying the entire album at once. It's just been released into public beta and several record companies haven't signed on, but the selection is growing every day. Very promising, and a welcome alternative to the iAppleTunes.

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOT THE BEES!!!

10. The tire pressure light went on in my car the other day, and it turns out that I ran over ANOTHER NAIL. Damaging tires at an alarming rate is my only true talent. I should buy stock in the Yokohama Tire Company.

9. The lunchtime cup of coffee I get (at David's Bagels almost every day) is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it gives me the resolve to continue with my day. On the other hand, it fools me into thinking I can tolerate another afternoon at my cruddy job. I think I need to wake up and stop smelling the coffee.

8. Yet another reason why Wikipedia rules. Here's a line from the entry about 1985's "Lifeforce": "Stars Steve Railsback as the leader of the shuttle mission and Mathilda May as the beautiful female space vampire with nice boobs." I've always been interested in renting this movie because of its floptacular legacy, now it's a must-rent.

7. The only thing that preseason NFL is good for: injuries! I love waking up on Monday morning only to find that the Giants already shitty secondary lost Will Demps and Sam Madison. Fantastic. It's going to be a terrible year for Big Blew. With any luck, Tom Coughlin will be fired before Week 1 begins (*fingers crossed*).

6. The PGA is trying to tell me that the "playoffs" have begun with the The Barclays Tournament in Harrison, NY. Uhm, that's nice, but how is it the playoffs without Tiger Woods? Does he get a first round bye, like Peyton Manning occasionally does? All I know is by seeing the extremely sparse crowds (watching Hitch and FIGJAM!, who claim to be #3 and #4) at the Barclays yesterday is that the public hasn't bought it either, and if Tiger doesn't show neither will they. This is one package it's going to take a long time for FedEx to deliver.

5. The Texas Rangers scored 30 (unexplained) runs on Wednesday vs. the Baltimore Orioles, winning 30-3, the first team to score that obscene amount of runs in 110 years--okay, the first actual baseball team to ever do it. What are the odds the two Texas NFL football teams don't score that much combined on Week 1?

4. Great quote from Rip Torn from The Larry Sanders show: "Scotch whisky -- Glenlivet -- single malt. When you die and you go to heaven, you'll say hello to God and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath. "

3. The Onion's Shattered Expectations fantasy football league is genius. You pick from a handful of players and get points for their ineptitude: if a QB gets no TDs for the week, or a kicker misses a FG less than 24 yards away, you get 100 points for each! The only irritating thing is that 3 of the Tier 2 WR/TE you can pick are on the Giants. And how come there are no Jets on the list? An obvious East Side/West Side bias by the Onion, but I'll let it slide this time.

My league name: OCHO STINKO.

2. The Old Computers Museum is endlessly fascinating. I had the TRS-80 Color Computer, the IBM PC Portable (or "luggable", as it was 30 lbs). Before that we also had the Atari 2600 and the Telstar Ranger, which was a pong game equipped with a light gun, for a shooting game that never really worked.

1. Someone says that "Wicker Man" is becoming a cult classic. If by "cult classic" they mean "insufferable crap movie featuring bear-suited Nicolas Cage screaming a lot", then yes, I agree.



HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?

NOT THE BEEEES!!!