BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I hope I didn't scare you. Today I dressed up like a mad analytical research scientist, which is basically the same as every other weekday. But I did wear an orange polo shirt with a black shirt underneath it, so at least I made the effort, right?

Halloween's history can be traced back to an ancient Gaelic celebration (called Samhain) that marked the end of the fall harvest season. Later it became a holiday to "scare away evil spirits" by dressing up in your creepiest costume, and then later merely a way for kids to go door-to-door for free candy. As I'm well into adulthood now, it appears to be merely an excuse for most girls of drinking age to dress up like trashy whores. How did we get here?

In this country, not only is violence glorified, it's encouraged: there's almost a constant flow of violent TV shows, commercials for gun accessories, first person shooter videogames, and horror movies thrown our way. Shooting, blood, guts, dismemberment, scary music, what's not to like? I've never been a horror movie fan (I think I still have an unopened copy of "Halloween" on VHS that I won at a party for my spectacular Inspector Clouseau costume), but I understand their appeal on a base level.

Sex, however, is something to be hidden from sight, never to be discussed (that is until children "reach that special age"). Even though every baby has seen a nipple, when one is exposed to one against their will (say, during the Super Bowl) it becomes a horrible national nightmare. Despite nearly constant objectifying of the female form, the American society is more sexually repressed than ever before. Therefore, it suppose it's a fairly natural urge to want to dress like a complete harlot, especially on the one day where you won't be judged for it. But you certainly won't hear me complaining about it. I want to make that perfectly clear. If you want to be a slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty cheerleader, slutty real estate agent, slutty claims adjuster, slutty actuary, or just a garden-variety slut, by all means, go for it.

In closing, if you're giving away candy, it had better be chocolate. No Smarties, Mary Janes, Now and Laters, or lollipops--CHOCOLATE. Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Charleston Chews, Reese's, M&M's, Snickers, Hershey's, whatever. There is no substitute. And adults, if you have to drink, stay away from the pumpkin ales, they're nasty.

Let me close this post with this:

BEST. PUMPKIN. EVER.

WEEKLY TOP 10: BECAUSE KRIS HATES TOP 10 LISTS

10. I put a mirror in my living room so I can quickly poke my head out of the kitchen while I'm cooking to see what's on TV. This was a genius move, and I don't know why it took me 6 years of living in my apartment to figure this out.

9. Kris put up a fuckatively funny post the other day which made me think about, among other things, the Rotten Tomatoes "Tomatometer" ratings. Regardless of the fact that he didn't like "Knocked Up", I think we should use the percentages to pay the actors for their work. For example, if someone signs a $1 million contract to star in a flick, a 87% rating would net them 87% of that amount ($870,000), while a 3% rating would earn them only $30,000. That's still decent pay day, and they could also get a percentage of the box office receipts if they so choose, but it would make actors think twice before agreeing to make a piece of shit movie.

8. There's officially no difference in value between the US dollar and the Canadian loonie, as US$1.00000 now equals C$1.00507. I guess the Quebecois strippers won't be getting my money after all--they're probably all Russians anyway.

7. It's Halloween candy buying time, and it's already an undisputed fact that Brach's makes the best candy corn; it's not open for debate. But I discovered that they also make a fantastic "caramel candy corn", which I give 9 thumbs up.

6. I'm not sure why I didn't look into this before: Planet Fitness only charges $10 a month (after a $59 initiation fee, at the newly opened Nanuet location). Wow, I was paying $57 at my previous gym before I quit. Plus, they're open 24 hours on the weekdays, so I can run on the treadmill at 2 AM! Finally! Okay, maybe not. I'll still hate the gym, but the lower price will make it much less painful.

5. Here's a fantastic golf story. Bruce Crampton, who had a reputation as being a bit ornery, was partnered at a pro-am with a woman. At the beginning of the round she told him that a friend bet her $10 that he wouldn't say 5 words to her all day. His response was: "Sorry lady, you lose". He didn't speak to her again. A perfect demonstration of douchebaggery if I've ever heard one.

4. The season premiere of HEROES featured one of the more egregious product placements that I've ever seen. When dropping off Claire at her new cliche-ridden high school (the head cheerleader is so mean to newbies!), the camera sweeps across the front bumper of the family car in such a way that not only can we tell it's a NISSAN their driving, but it fills my entire widescreen HDTV and obscures the actors. Then he hands her the keys and she excitedly shrieks, "The Rogue?!?" Uhm, the what? Why, it's the new NISSAN Rogue crossover vehicle, which 3 identical commercials in a row informed us several minutes later. The trade-off for less ads is more NISSAN logos shoved in your face during the show? Pretty disgusting.

3. I read this with alarm: ad blocking plug-ins like AdBlock might be illegal. Fuck you, internet advertisers, I'll block ads in Firefox if I want to. The only thing that incessant web ads do is make me NOT want to buy your product (or tune into your show, like NBC's Chuck). You know what I hate? Those irritating Lowermybills.com ads with some dancing thing on it telling me I can easily put my house into foreclosure RIGHT FROM MY COMPUTER! Ugh.

2. Tiger Woods will be playing this weekend in the "USA vs. The Others" Presidents Cup. I guess I'll tune in, but I'm honestly worn out after the "playoffs". So since that's over, is this like the PGA equivalent of the Pro Bowl?

1. AMAZON has finally announced its online digital music download service called, well, AMAZONmp3. There are several things that make it better than iTunes: the tracks are DRM-free to use on any player, nice sounding 256kbps mp3s, the tracks are always cheaper (ranging from $0.49-$0.99), and you get a discount for buying the entire album at once. It's just been released into public beta and several record companies haven't signed on, but the selection is growing every day. Very promising, and a welcome alternative to the iAppleTunes.