2008 PGA TOURNAMENT PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

The 2008 PGA Championship is finally here! Beginning today, the best of the best have gathered somewhere in Minnesota Michigan compete to win this final major of the season. Oh, the best isn't playing? Let me rephrase: everyone but Tiger will be there! Please watch!

Let's hope this is a quality showcase for the best golfers, because the end of last week's WGC at Firestone was atrocious. Veeger couldn't hit half his putts from 4 to 8 feet, and PHIL! withered on the back 9 bogeying 3 of the last 4 holes to cost him the lead and the tournament. (I'm sure Tiger was watching at home, seething and sinking his fingernails into the sofa, knowing he could have easily taken that title.) But you know what the latter means: the old PHIL is back! But is that a good thing? All I know is that I can relate to a lefty golfer with an erratic driver, but I don't enjoy watching it. (BTW, the nickname "Lefty" is a misnomer, since he's right handed in everything else besides his swing, just like me.)

Regardless, this morning you can't click on a golf website without seeing Mickelson's amiable yet goofy face. There's a lot of talk about whether he can capture another major this Sunday, and here's what they're saying:

Shall I compare Phil to a summer's day?
If at first you don't succeed, Phil, Phil again.
It is better to have Phil and lost than never to have Phil at all.
A Phil in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I can accept Phil, but I can't accept not trying.
As the purse is emptied, the heart is Phil.
Phil like no one is watching.

So what do I say about this? One word: FIGJAM!

Okay, that got silly really fast. All I'm saying is get ready for the PHILATHON this weekend, as the TV coverage is going to be PHILCENTRIC, and occasionally will be absolutely PHILTHY (cover the kids' eyes).


(See? He's not really a southpaw.)

Anyway, here's the lowdown on the 4th and final major of the year, the 90th PGA Tournament at Oakland Hills.

COURSE INFO
Course: Oakland Hills Country Club
Location: Bloomfield, MI
Yardage: 7,395
Par: 35-35-70
Hole-by-hole Info (hole/par/yards):
1 4/435
2 5/529
3 3/198
4 4/446
5 4/490
6 4/387
7 4/449
8 4/491
9 3/257
OUT 35/3682
10 4/462
11 4/423
12 5/593
13 3/191
14 4/501
15 4/401
16 4/406
17 3/238
18 4/498
IN 35/3713

Purse: $7.5 million. Winner's share: $1,35 million.

DESCRIPTION
Four Holes will tell the tale at the 2008 PGA Championship. Take a closer look at Nos. 6, 13, 16 and 18, as well as other scenes from Oakland Hills.

"I'm just glad I brought this course, this monster, to its knees," Ben Hogan said after winning the 1951 U.S. Open at Oakland Hills. "I shot a pair of 80s and went home," says Steve Flesch, recalling his quick technical knockout at the 1996 U.S. Open. "It's one of the hardest golf courses I've ever played."

And it's only gotten worse. Golf's notorious Dr. Frankenstein, Rees Jones, renovated Oakland Hills in 2006, adding 346 yards (7,395 total, par 70), pinching fairways and toughening up bunkers. If this course is a monster, these holes are its angry, razor-sharp teeth. (Credit: Nile Young)

LEADERBOARD

WEATHER FORECAST
THU: Iso T-storms, High: 80° Low: 61°
FRI: Partly Cloudy, High: 78° Low: 60°
SAT: Iso T-storms, High: 81° Low: 61°
SUN: Mostly sunny, High: 84° Low: 65°

ODDS
FIGJAM! 10/1
Los Pantelones Feos 14/1
Padraig Harrington 16/1
Hitch Furyk 16/1
Anthony Kim 18/1
Ernie Els 18/1
Kenny Perry 25/1
Adam Scott 25/1
Veejer 25/1
Geoff Ogilvy 28/1

MY PICKS: Anthony Kim, Grey Goosen, FIGJAM!
MY MISSES: Los Pantelones Feos, Padraig Harrington, Hitch Furyk.

TEE TIMES

TV SCHEDULE
THU 8/7: 1 - 7 PM EDT [TNT]
FRI 8/8: 1 - 7 PM EDT [TNT]
SAT 8/9: 11 AM - 2 PM EDT [TNT]
2 - 7 PM EDT [CBS]
SUN 8/10: 11 AM - 2 PM [TNT]
2 PM - 7 PM EDT [CBS]

YAHOO! BLOG - DEVIL BALL GOLF

WEEKLY TOP 10: US-CONNECTION!

10. After returning from a 5 day trip to Maine, I realized that it's time for me to move near the beach. ANY beach. I can't stand being hours away from one.

9. Just like everything else, GM managed to screw up Saturn as well. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of sissified blogulation regarding the iCar, a possible joint venture between Apple and Volkswagen. Personally, I think they're made for each other--both of them preach style over substance, and are overpriced for what you get.

8. I'm Freaking Old Moment #356: I realized that the neck tattoo is not just for prisoners anymore, after seeing an otherwise attractive female sporting a rather conspicuous one. I found it hideous, but I imagine someone out there must like that look.

7. After his much-ballyhooed win at the Douchebag Deutsche Bank golf tournament at TPC Boston, Phillis Mickelson now has a jillion zillion FedEx Cup points, as Rob put it. Way to go, FIGJAM! Even though Steve Stricker has only one 1 tournament in the past 7 years, he's currently at #2, higher than Tiger Woods! Again, what a great "playoff" "system" this is.

6. I have decided to buy a Dell Vostro laptop, because it sounds like an Eastern bloc tennis player. Oh, and because you can get a well-loaded computer at a reasonable price, and there's no "bloatware" (my new favorite word) installed on it. Extended warranty? How can I lose? (Actually, this is one of those rare moments I will actually buy one. I've never owned a laptop, and I guarantee that it will fall apart after 1 day after the normal warranty runs out.)

5. Speaking of tennis, there are only 3 American men in the Top 50 ATP rankings. James Blake and Andy Roddick (and the latter is about to get schooled by Roger Federer tonight) are in the Top 10, and they're not even that spectacular. The other one? Mardy Fish at #41. Yikes. Meanwhile, where is the Russian factory that is churning out these tennis playing girls? (Yeah I know, she lost already, but any excuse to get a Maria Sharapova picture up here.)

4. I'm Freaking Old Moment #443: when asked about the show "The Hills", I realized that I'd never even heard of the show, or knew that it was on MTV for three seasons already. In fact, along with ESPN, I don't remember the last time I voluntarily turned on MTV. Sorry, I'm out of your target demo.

3. I am actually more looking forward to the upcoming hockey season than the NFL season (which starts tomorrow night), maybe because the Devils have more of a fighting chance than the Giants do. In fact, I even know that the Devils play their first 9 games on the road, mainly because of a slew of concerts by Bon Fucking Jovi (that's right, they don't even get to open their own arena). Meanwhile, I just found out that the Giants start their season this Sunday night. Ugh, what a way to kill my interest almost immediately. And that's only the first of FIVE games at 8:15 PM this season. As for the NHL, contrary to the word on the street and what may have been said here in the blogodome, I might actually attend a Devils game at "The Rock", if NJ Transit figures out that new weekend train schedule this fall. There's nothing like live hockey, and I'm sure I'll be sucked in . . . to Newark? Ugh.

2. I'll come right out and say it: I really dislike the work of Kevin Smith. I was even at the legendary Hazlet Multiplex premiere of the original Clerks, and left thoroughly hating the movie. So if you try to sell me a TV show or movie with the caveat "DIRECTED BY KEVIN SMITH!", I will run in the other direction.

1. Have you ever found yourself in France without the means to order a replica of a 1940's Texaco gas pump? Did you ever suffer a summer heat wave in the south of France without a Coca-Cola thermometer? Does your Parisian American-themed restaurant lack that certain art deco je ne sais quoi? Personally, I haven't had any of these problems . . . yet. But if you do, I'm quite certain that there's only one place to go: US-Connection. The authentic (yes, actually made in the USA) American diner furniture looks great, and reminds me of a time when every restaurant wasn't a TGI Applechili's Garden Bistro. And I personally love the decorative enamel signs (if I had my own bar, I would cover the walls with these things). Visit the US-Connection website right now if you're interested!

THE PGA GOLF FED EX TOUR CUP OF GOLF: PLAYOFFS?

On Saturday, Rob & I went to the 3rd round of the Barclays golf tournament for free, because Tiger wasn't there and people were GIVING their tickets away. It a great afternoon and the sparse crowds meant you could really get up close. I almost got hit with a wayward FIGJAM! drive on the par 4 314 yard 10th hole that he pulled way right, ending up in the death zone between the 10th green and the 11th tee. Minutes later with FIGJAM! teeing off on 11, Petrovic sailed another ball one into the crowd. I got out of there because I didn't want to get hit twice in one week. (Long story.) The Westchester Country Club in Harrison, NY is a beautiful course, more hilly than I realized, with some really interesting and challenging holes. The 478 yard par 4 12th (a par 5 for the members) is a standout: you hit from an elevated tee down into a valley, and then back up to an elevated green, with little room for error as a sheer cliff greets you if you miss right. It's an absolutely gorgeous golf hole.

As we entered the course, we couldn't help but notice the words "THE PLAYOFFS" were emblazoned everywhere. I think this is going to be an incredibly hard sell, a notion that has caught the imagination of absolutely no one. Here's why the FedEx Cup playoffs are a pile of crap: Rory Sabbatini currently has 100,650 points, which is 650 more points than Tiger Woods (100,000) because he clearly had a better golf season. Oh really? Let's break it down!

Tiger: 5 championships, including 1 major (PGA) and two WGC tournaments. Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, T2 at the US Open (+6), T12 (-2) at The Open, and collected $7.8M in winnings.
Sabby: 1 championship at the Crowne Plaza Invitational (which included a free continental breakfast with a night's stay). Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, missed the cut at PGA and The Open, carded a +21 (T51) at the US Open, took home $3.5M.
Head to head: In the final round pairing at the WGC-Bridgestone, Tiger knocked Rory's dick in the dirt, shooting a 65 vs. his opponent's 74, to win by 8 shots. This was one day after Rory, leading by one stroke, proclaimed that "Tiger looks more beatable now than ever."

In other words, Sabby completely OWNED (dare I say PWNED) Tiger in 2007! Right? Of course, everyone (in the PGA marketing department, anyway) would tell you that's only the "regular season", and this is the "playoffs". As Karl would say, I call international bullshit. Unlike playoff-focused sports like hockey, the regular season, and its 4 majors, is all that matters in golf.

Watching the final round on CBS-HD on Sunday, I got sick of these ludicrous "projected finish" numbers they put up on the screen all day as players were finishing their rounds, something like: "Eagle = 27th, Par = 56th, Bogey = 98th". WTF? Even one of the commentators mused about how nonsensical and baffling it was. Agreed. I suppose by "resetting" the "points", they're trying to give someone else a shot at winning some hideous, meaningless trophy. Because if you just look at the numbers it's usually going to add up TIGER.

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOT THE BEES!!!

10. The tire pressure light went on in my car the other day, and it turns out that I ran over ANOTHER NAIL. Damaging tires at an alarming rate is my only true talent. I should buy stock in the Yokohama Tire Company.

9. The lunchtime cup of coffee I get (at David's Bagels almost every day) is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it gives me the resolve to continue with my day. On the other hand, it fools me into thinking I can tolerate another afternoon at my cruddy job. I think I need to wake up and stop smelling the coffee.

8. Yet another reason why Wikipedia rules. Here's a line from the entry about 1985's "Lifeforce": "Stars Steve Railsback as the leader of the shuttle mission and Mathilda May as the beautiful female space vampire with nice boobs." I've always been interested in renting this movie because of its floptacular legacy, now it's a must-rent.

7. The only thing that preseason NFL is good for: injuries! I love waking up on Monday morning only to find that the Giants already shitty secondary lost Will Demps and Sam Madison. Fantastic. It's going to be a terrible year for Big Blew. With any luck, Tom Coughlin will be fired before Week 1 begins (*fingers crossed*).

6. The PGA is trying to tell me that the "playoffs" have begun with the The Barclays Tournament in Harrison, NY. Uhm, that's nice, but how is it the playoffs without Tiger Woods? Does he get a first round bye, like Peyton Manning occasionally does? All I know is by seeing the extremely sparse crowds (watching Hitch and FIGJAM!, who claim to be #3 and #4) at the Barclays yesterday is that the public hasn't bought it either, and if Tiger doesn't show neither will they. This is one package it's going to take a long time for FedEx to deliver.

5. The Texas Rangers scored 30 (unexplained) runs on Wednesday vs. the Baltimore Orioles, winning 30-3, the first team to score that obscene amount of runs in 110 years--okay, the first actual baseball team to ever do it. What are the odds the two Texas NFL football teams don't score that much combined on Week 1?

4. Great quote from Rip Torn from The Larry Sanders show: "Scotch whisky -- Glenlivet -- single malt. When you die and you go to heaven, you'll say hello to God and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath. "

3. The Onion's Shattered Expectations fantasy football league is genius. You pick from a handful of players and get points for their ineptitude: if a QB gets no TDs for the week, or a kicker misses a FG less than 24 yards away, you get 100 points for each! The only irritating thing is that 3 of the Tier 2 WR/TE you can pick are on the Giants. And how come there are no Jets on the list? An obvious East Side/West Side bias by the Onion, but I'll let it slide this time.

My league name: OCHO STINKO.

2. The Old Computers Museum is endlessly fascinating. I had the TRS-80 Color Computer, the IBM PC Portable (or "luggable", as it was 30 lbs). Before that we also had the Atari 2600 and the Telstar Ranger, which was a pong game equipped with a light gun, for a shooting game that never really worked.

1. Someone says that "Wicker Man" is becoming a cult classic. If by "cult classic" they mean "insufferable crap movie featuring bear-suited Nicolas Cage screaming a lot", then yes, I agree.



HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?

NOT THE BEEEES!!!

WEEKLY TOP 10: I AM BOURNE AGAIN

10. Of course I'm talking about the Bourne Bridge that leads into Cape Cod. I always forget how nice the Cape is until I go there and dread having to come back home. The house my friend Kerry's parents rented in Chatham was nice, but the house (uhm, the Spillane compound) I visited in Hyannis, featuring a huge deck with ocean views, was astonishing. I have to find a job out there, maybe scraping barnacles off of billionaires' yachts or something.

9. I'm done with comic book superhero movies. It's not as though I was a big fan to begin with, but I'm officially sick of them. Sure, I liked Spiderman, which was surprising because I never really liked any of the previous incarnations. But I was thoroughly non-plussed by Spiderman 2 (which everyone else loved), so I have just decided to avoid anything and everything having to do with the newest movies about Batman, Superman, X-Men, The 4 Fantastic Men, or whomever. Enough already!

8. Probably nobody cares, but here's a video highlight of the Bad Art Auction I was at a few weeks ago. If you don't like that, here's a blooper reel of Zach's "twin brother" Seth Galifianakis being interviewed by Brian Unger (the actual interview is here). If that doesn't strike you as funny, well, I guess you're not a Zach fan.

7. Flooding cripples the entire NYC transit system! A tornado rips through Brooklyn! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

6. National Treasure was one of the most preposterous and inane movies I've seen in quite sometime (I had only watched it because I had just gotten my new HDTV)--a Da Vinci Code for drooling morons. However, inexplicably a second one is coming out this year, and as with the first movie the screenplay was written by a couple called "The Wibberleys" (Cormac and Marianne). They are the same geniuses responsible for the horrendous Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, The Shaggy Dog and I Spy. So there's a really excellent chance that this ponderous sequel will also be a pile of horseshit.

Meanwhile, where did it all go wrong for Oscar® winner Nicolas Cage? I'm going to go with 1999's 8MM, an unintentionally laughable Bruckheimer disaster about the slimy world of underground porn. I might have to do a whole separate blog entry for that one.

5. I'm no longer rooting for players in sports, just teams. It's a waste of time to get attached to some player who will say something stupid, sign as a free agent for your hated rival, or stick a needle in their ass and lie about it, or all of the above--they'll just let you down eventually. And it's pointless to celebrate some guy's personal achievements, so I'll leave that to their family members.

4. The Simpsons Movie was very funny, but ultimately not especially memorable; a week later I can't really remember any jokes from it. I give it 8 thumbs up. And because of the marketing deluge, I'm tired of seeing everyone "Simpsonized" already.

3. How is it that French actress Julie Delpy isn't married yet? I've had a crush on her since the one-two punch of Before Sunrise and White back in 1995. She's gorgeous, independent and a music lover (and singer, apparently), and she's only 2 months older than me. So dare I say she'd make a great wife for me. I'll have to email her when I get a chance.

2. How funny is it that a Mets fan, wearing a Mets uniform, caught Baroid's home run ball? The Onion put it best: Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation.

1. I'm watching FIGJAM! right now play his second round at Southern Hills on the PGA website. God bless free live online golf! These announcers have to stop complaining about the heat in Oklahoma. Anyway, it's the PGA's fault they decided to play the 89th PGA Tournament on that course in August, and it can't be hotter than when I attended Baltusrol in 2005, which averaged about 99° over the four days. Anyway, the only golfers that this heat will effect is the older players or those who are out of shape--well, good riddance! I guess that means John Daly will no longer be near the top of the leaderboard after today.

Why do sportswriters always get extra punny with golfer's names in their headlines? First round leader Graeme Storm brought on a downpour of bad jokes: "Storm Brews Great Opening Round", "Storm on PGA Radar", "Storm Surges", "It's not easy being a Storm in a tempest", "Storm Watch", "Storm Subsides", "Imperfect Storm", "Storm Downgraded". Bloody fucking hell, we get it!

2007 U.S. OPEN PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

Do you like fast greens, deep rough, and high scores? If so, you'll be happy to know that it's that time again: the 2007 US Open is here!

I'm honestly not as fired up for this one as I was last year (since I was at Winged Foot), but once the balls start flying I'll be into it. Here are the vital stats for the 107th US Open, which is becoming toughest (or most unfair, depending on who you ask) major:

COURSE: Oakmont Country Club
LOCATION: Oakmont, PA (weather)
PAR: 35-35-70
YARDAGE: 7,355

DESIGNER: Henry C. Fownes (his only course)
FAIRWAYS/TEES: poa/bentgrass
GREENS: poanna (perennial)
ROUGH: graduated to 1.5" inches the first cut, 3" from 8-10 yards off the fairway, and 5 to 5.5" at the deepest, with fescue along each fairway
AVERAGE STIMPMETER: 12 - 13.5

THE COURSE
Opened in 1903, Oakmont is located 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh in western PA, depending on how fast you drive. This was also the site for the 1994 US Open, won by fresh faced youngster Ernie Els (age 24) in a 20 hole playoff. This time around, par is 70 even though the course is normally a par 71 (the 9th, a 477 yard par 5, is now a par 4), because "the USGA likes messing with your mind", as Johnny Miller (who shot a 63 in 1973 at Oakmont) put it. Somehow, they also added 100 yards to the 2nd hole (340 to 440, or is that a typo?). While a lot of trees have been removed, there are now a total of 210 bunkers, one of them between #3 and #4 is the dreaded "Church Pew" bunker. Overall, the course prides itself on beating up all those who come to play, which is typical of fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The toughest hole is the 1st (482 yard, par 4), but the 12th (667 yard, par 5, with a front to back sloping green) is no slouch either. I also don't know how these guys will get a ball to stick to the green on the 8th (288 yard, par 3), but that's why they're the pros. (As I was typing this, I found out Trevor Immelman aced this hole in a Tuesday practice round using a 3 wood.)

THE PLAYERS
As for the contenders, Tiger is already whining about the conditions being incredibly tough. This may just be a ploy to scare off the rest of the field, because if it's tough for him, what about everyone else?

Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson may have trained TOO hard for this one: he hurt his wrist practicing chipping out of the rough at Oakmont a month ago, and must wear a brace on his left hand. He's never really been injured during the season, so we'll see if he's able to play through it. If nothing else, he can use it as an excuse.

As for the defending champ, as solid and stoic as he is I don't see Geoff Ogilvy repeating. I also don't see Masters winner Zach Johnson being a factor. Is this Monty's chance to win a major? It's very possible. I see the winner coming from this group: Woods, Appleby, Toms, Goosen, Donald, Immelman, O'Hair.

PAIRINGS AND TEE TIMES
6/14 (Hole #1), 6/15 (Hole #10)
7:55 a.m.-1:25 p.m. -- Jose Maria Olazabal, Spain; Sergio Garcia, Spain; Pablo Martin, Spain
Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.

8:06 a.m.-1:36 p.m. -- Tiger Woods, Windermere, Fla.; A-Richie Ramsay, Scotland; Geoff Ogilvy, Australia
Since Tiger missed the cut at Winged Foot in '06, he was probably on his yacht watching Geoff win it (or should I say, Monty/Phil/Furyk blow it), so they should have plenty to talk about. Never mind, they won't talk at all.

1:14 p.m.-7:44 a.m. -- Vijay Singh, Fiji; Davis Love III, Sea Island, Ga.; Henrik Stenson, Sweden
The most formidable trio, with Stenson having the best shot.

6/14 (#10), 6/15 (#1)

7:11 a.m.-12:41 p.m. -- Boo Weekley, Milton, Fla.; Nobuhiro Masuda, Japan; Bubba Watson, Bagdad, Fla.

It's Bubba, Boo And Nobu! I don't know why that cracks me up, but it does.

7:44 a.m.-1:14 p.m. -- Ernie Els, South Africa; Zach Johnson, Cedar Rapids, Iowa; Padraig Harrington, Ireland

The most likeable trio; too bad I don't see any of them winning it.

1:36 p.m.-8:06 a.m. -- Phil Mickelson, Rancho Santa Fe, Calif.; Adam Scott, Australia; Jim Furyk, Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.

Actually, this is a tough trio as well, if Phillis' left wrist is serviceable.

BEST NAME: Kaname Yokoo of Japan. Jason Dufner from Alabama gets an honorable mention.

LOCAL FLAVOR: Let's give it up for assistant pro Frank Bensel from Purchase, N.Y. Woo hoo!

LIVE LEADERBOARD

BROADCAST TIMES

Thursday 6/14: ESPN 10 AM–3 PM, NBC 3–5 PM, ESPN 5–7 PM

Friday 6/15: ESPN 10 AM–3 PM, NBC 3–5 PM, ESPN 5–7 PM

Saturday 6/16, Sunday 6/17: NBC 1 - 7 PM

(Man, I don't know which I hate more: ESPN or NBC Sports. It remains to be seen if the entire thing will be in HD.)

SENTIMENTAL PICK: Tiger Woods, on Father's Day right before he's about to become a daddy. Awwww. /collective sigh

MY PICK: Luke Donald. (I know, I chose a stinkin' Euro, which would be the first since Tony Jacklin won in 1970.)