HOCKEY IS GIANT DICK JOKE TO MIKE MYERS

I'll admit it: Mike Meyers is a funny guy given the right material, namely So I Married An Axe Murderer, and the first Austin Powers and Shrek movies, before their respective premises were beaten to death. He even had some truly funny moments on "Saturday Night Live", and to my surprise the Wayne's World skit translated into a pretty funny pair of movies (it also helped that I severely lowered my expectations).

However, the evil Canadian comedic actor has officially pissed me off with his latest movie, The Love Guru. He claims to love the good old sport of hockey, citing the Maple Leaves as his favourite [sic] team. This morning on XM Radio he even said he made this "comedy" as a tribute to his father, who died in 1991. Well, he sure has a hell of a way of professing his love.

This movie, based around the saving of Toronto's NHL franchise, looks completely terrible. Currently sporting an atrociously low Tomatometer rating most critics agree that it is a flaming pile of dung, preferably leftover from two elephants copulating at center ice. Yes, that is an actual joke that Myers thought was funny enough to include in this film.

Some choice quotes from various reviews (which really need to be compiled and put in the advertisements):

"[It] isn't really about spiritual well-being or hockey; it's about Myers' mistaken belief that the comedic possibilities of male genitalia are endless." [Scott Von Doviak, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1 star]

"Myers has made some funny movies, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents." [Roger Ebert, 1 star]

"Pop culture riffing, winking double entendres, scatalogical humor, and silly names aren't just the foremost weapons in Myers' comic arsenal, they're all he's got." [Nathan Rabin, Onion AV Club, Grade: D+]

"The Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again." [NY Times]

Okay, we get it: this is a giant ball of suck. But couldn't he have picked any other sport besides the NHL to treat as a diaper for this shitfest? Maybe NASCAR, poker or billiards? No, he had to put in a hockey subplot which includes Justin Timberlake as a L.A. Kings goalie named "Jacque 'Le Coq' Grande". HA HA! I GET IT! HIS NAME IMPLIES THAT HE HAS A BIG PENIS! HA HA HA! Ugh.

Not only will this movie piss off hockey fans (in at least 5 ways according to Greg "Cock Daddy" "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski), but they wasted the talents of Stephen Colbert (who apparently isn't funny as a Hockey Night In Canada commentator) and Jessica Alba (who unfortunately isn't at all naked). Oh, and the SPOILER ALERT team from Toronto ends up winning the Stanley Cup. Just like the Bruce Almighty jinx placed upon Buffalo, this craptacular movie should ensure that won't happen for quite a while. I honestly think that the whole reason this movie was made, other than to steal money from gullible bored teenagers, was to get that photo of Verne Troyer dwarfed by the Cup.

(Photo by Lester Cohen © WireImage.com)