PHILLY FANS ONCE AGAIN SHOWING THEIR TRUE COLORS

As a prelude to the riots and fires sure to be touched off by the impending Philthies World Series win (delayed for the first time by shitty weather--yes, it's snowing in upstate New York right now), a Flyers fan threw a smoke bomb onto the ice during the Devils/Flyers game on Saturday night.



Meanwhile, across the way at Citizen Spank Park they are building onto their reputation as awful, boorish fans by acting like complete tools towards visiting Rays fans during World Series Game 3.

Children were cursed at, and one 9-year-old boy had beer poured on him. A Rays family member stayed locked in a bathroom stall because, he said, Phillies fans were banging on the walls and threatening him.

Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe "Not To Be Confused With John Madden" Maddon added, "Throwing mustard packs at my granddaughter is not very cool". Wow, that's fantastic. And this shit is tame compared to what goes on at Iggles games.

I'm so tired of fans' awful behavior being tolerated just because they're rooting for a bunch of athletes who play a sport near their house. As a kid I didn't understand why some people really hate sports, but now I get it. It's not so much the sport itself but the attention lavished on it by the media and the asinine actions of its fans. While I enjoy sports, I can't get that emotionally involved in it; my eyes glaze over whenever anyone tries to explain why they're a bigger fan than that guy over there. It really doesn't matter. It's certainly not an excuse to lob the c-word at women and terrorize kids just because they're not wearing the same color shirt as you.

So after the Philthies finally win the WS (if anyone watches it) I hope they burn down Independence Hall, defecate in the Liberty Bell and slap a few children along the way, as that will definitively prove to the world that they're the best fans and have the best team! Woo hoo!

Stay classy, Philthadelphia!

(As an aside, as soon as the Anaheim Ducks dropped the "mighty" from their moniker, they won the Stanley Cup. I thought as soon as the Rays dropped the "Devil" from their name they were a shoo-in to win it all. That remains to be seen.)

WRIST SHOTS: HIT BY THE RIBEIRO TRUCK

I spent the weekend at my sister's VERSUS-free household to see the family for Mother's Day and didn't see ONE SECOND of hockey: not a highlight, not a mention on ESPN (shocking!) or the local news, not a single online highlight reel. It was probably for the best, since the only thing that anyone is talking about is the ridiculous Game 2 Osgood butt-end/Ribeiro two-handed baseball swing to the chest protector/Osgood's excellent "I've just been shot by a sniper in the rafters" acting job. A stupid play by both of them.

However, I would be remiss if I didn't post Henrik Zetterberg's spectacular goal from the previous round (Game 4 vs. Colorado on 5/1/2008).



Egads! That might be the goal of the year. (And he's from EUROPE!)

I did get to listen to the Penguins radio call (via XM) of the Game 2 win against vs. the Lyers last night, featuring the imitable play-by-play announcer Mike Lange. After "Mad" Maxime Talbot scored what proved to be the winning goal he declared, "Oh, she wants to sell my monkey!"



I have no idea what that means but it cracked me up. For all those people who rant about his colorful calls, I say: GET A SENSE OF HUMOR. If you take away personality from hockey, you'd end up with something like the NBA or arena league football. (I suppose this is a backhanded endorsement of Don "Holy Crap What Is He Wearing?" Cherry, but so be it. Oh, I do agree with those annoyed by Tampa Bay's Dave Mishkin's screeching, though.)

One other note: VERSUS did end up showing the hockey game in HD on Friday. Whether or not it was due to voluminous fan complaints or a fleeting moment of common sense on the network's part, it was good to see. (Of course, I didn't actually get to see it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.) Any praise I give VERSUS will essentially be nullified if they decide to re-visit "puck tracking technology". Did you learn nothing from the horrid FOX glow puck?

Hey, if you weren't sick of Seth "Apatow's Bitch" Rogan already, he apparently plays hockey (or at least dresses the part, complete with Hanson Brothers-esque glasses) in Kevin Smith's new movie.

PHILTHY MEMO KICKS FLYERS OUT OF PLAYOFFS

I hope there's enough room in that penalty box for an entire hockey team and its management.

In an unprecedented move, the NHL has taken disciplinary action this morning against the Philadelphia Flyers for their dirty play this season. In light of new evidence found, the entire team has been suspended and barred from participating in postseason play, as outlined by Senior VP/Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell and commissioner Gary Bettman. Wow.

Apparently, an interoffice memo within the Flyers organization, thought to have been co-written by current Senior VP/former GM Bobby Clarke, has been discovered entitled "Restoring Honor: Philadelphia Flyers 2007-08". This outline essentially instructs players to play borderline illegal hockey in order to win, regardless of current NHL rules and practices. Some choice quotes include such instructions as: "increase your hitting, without regard to current imposed NHL limitations", "follow through on all your checks, using your stick or elbow if necessary", "continue to intimidate well after the whistle has blown", with the caveat that "referees cannot call every infraction". This is all expected to add up to "the restoration of the honor and pride of the Flyers organization, using our collective will, strength and intimidation". As a result of this damning set of instructions, the league took the "only recourse that would deter any further league infractions", according to Sherriff Campbell's statement. No response has been released by the Flyers as of yet.

None of this comes as a complete shock to me, as they've been "on notice" all season. Despite my obvious bias as a Devils fan, I'm not alone in feeling that Philthy is (and has been) as dirty as they come, as players like Jesse Boulerice and Steve Downie seemingly to have no respect for the game or the livelihood of their opponents. It turns out that management is complicit in this, as I suspected all along. However, as satisfying as the punishment is, the solution to this problem was rather eye-opening: not only have the Flyers have been banned from the Stanley Cup playoffs, but the Sabres have been awarded their playoff spot (#8 seed). Are you kidding me? What is the reason? "As the reigning President's Troohy winner, we felt it was only fair to reward [a playoff birth to] the Sabres organization, who have always acted with the utmost professionalism both on and off the ice," Bettman said in an early morning press conference. "We also wanted to reward the loyal Buffalo hockey fans, who are the greatest fans on the planet!" Unfortunately, he was not standing at center ice at the HSBC Arena when declaring this, and not surprisingly there was no effusive applause from the collected members of the sports media. As it turns out, Bettman still sucks.

So because the Sabres have a low number of suspensions this year, that's the sole requirement to play extra games? What about having 2 fewer points than the Kapital Komrades? That doesn't enter into it? I can't believe I'm torn about this decision, as I've been calling for the league to hand down meaningful punishment on Flyers management since the preseason. On second thought, forget about my apprehension, I'm all for it. Hopefully, this will be an actual deterrent and teams will realize that they cannot hide behind dirty play and intimidation in lieu of talent and teamwork.

Flyers suspension press conference - NHL Video - April 1, 2008 [YouTube]

UPDATE (10:00 PM): I forgot to add . . . APRIL FOOLS!

WRIST SHOTS: HOW MUCH PUCK COULD KOVALCHUK CHUCK?

Poor Ilya. The guy has the most goals in the NHL (currently 36) and he can't even get enough votes to get on the All-Star team. The real kick in the ass is that the game is being played in his hometown of Atlanta, which as everyone knows is the home of fantastic, die-hard hockey fans. Obviously.

Meanwhile, Marty and Henrik (yes, I am on a first name basis with them) will be starting goaltenders for the Eastern Wales Conference All-Stars. I say we make sure DiPietro is the 3rd starter, score a NY Metro Area Goalie Hat Trick (brought to you by HUMMER). VOTE NOW!

UPDATE: DiPietro was selected, but Tomas Vokoun is in there instead of Lundqvist. And voting has ended already. Oops.

OVECHKIN!

Ovechkin, Capitals agree to 13-year, $124 million contract extension

Now the Crapitals star player can finally upgrade his famously Eurotrashy wardrobe. WTF? After the DiPietro 15 year itch I didn't think anyone would write up a contract this absurd. Yikes. This might put the Crapitals out of business for good. Rob says he definitely won't play that long for them; I predict that in 8 years he'll be playing for the Islanders under coach Rick DiPietro.

I'm happy for goalie's Ty Conklin's hot streak -- he's done nothing but win out in Pittsburgh. Why am I happy, you ask? Because not only is he an American goalie (from Alaska) whom I saw play for UNH, and I felt surpremely sorry for him after his goaltending gaffe as an Edmonton backup as the evil Carolina Whalers won the Cup a few years back. http://cbs.sportsline.com/nhl/story/10569350/ So with the benching of the incredibly mediocre Fleury, maybe the Pens are on the road to respectability? All I know is that it will set the stage for CROSBY TO SAVE HOCKEY ONCE AGAIN. Now I'm genuinely afraid of them come playoff time.

In his neverending quest for pure assholishness, Derian Hatcher of the Fucking Flyers decided to (leave his feet to) deliver a check to the Maple Leaves' Alexander Steen, but instead crushed his own teammate.



That's right: Joffrey Lupul ended up on the IR with a mild concussion and two bruised cervical vertebrae due to Hatcher's douchebaggery. Way to go, shitbrain! At last, a Flyers cheap shot came back to hurt them in a real, tangable way. Oh, and Hatcher also tried to bite Devils' Travis Zajac, but it was deemed "inconclusive". Total amount of suspension = 0 games. I am seriously sick of this shit.

I'll leave you with two words: PUCK BUNNIES. That's all I'm going to say, you can read about the rest on this message board.

PHUCK PHILLY

Another week, another Flyer suspended for injuring an opponent with a hit to the head...

Here's the thing; I think that Jones really means that he didn't intend to injure Bergeron (unlike his shitty teammates who really were looking for blood). I believe him that he feels really bad and [for once] think that the league probably made the right decision regarding the 2-games that Jones gets.

But the fact that they insist on doing nothing to the Philadelphia Organ-EYE-zation is just fucking terrible. Even if Jones didn't intend to injure and wasn't looking for blood, this behavior is endemic of the Flyers and the league is going to have to do something - or it's only a matter of time before this becomes a war of attrition with Briere or Gagne or someone getting severely concussed as retribution for someone else.

I honestly think that the league's refusal to penalize the team speaks volumes about their true commitment to cleaning the league up and making it any better than a frozen-surface version of MLS.

WRIST SHOTS: A COMPLETE CLUSTERPUCK

I'm going to come right out and say it: horror movies don't scare me more than the Ottawa Senators do. They're scary good. They dispatched the New York Rangers in the night 3-0, on three goals scored in an unfathomable 52 second span. Dany Heatley, dammit I wish he was on my team.

* Meanwhile, 3 out of 5 Sportsline.com NHL "experts" have chosen the Rangers to win the Cup. Not sure what they're basing that on, but everything that I've seen points to Ottawa. Oh, my choice is still San Jose over Ottawa. Though it would be foolish to overlook the Sabres, who won 6-0 and 7-1 this week, the second game they had 53--FIFTY THREE--shots against the Crapitals.

* Last night the Devils won a game they usually don't: a bad 2nd period, a listless Brodeur, an Atlanta goal with 4 guys in the crease in what can only be described as a "clusterpuck", down 4-2 entering the 3rd. They came all the way back and won 6-5, with Patrick Elias scoring a PP goal with :27 remaining in the tilt. It seemed like everything I shouted at the screen happened: I just got finished saying, "Elias has a great shot, he should just fire the puck on net more" and BOOM! Elias scored a goal (that may or may not have gone off his skate unintentionally). Then after the go-ahead goal I sarcastically suggested, "Hey guys, how about we play a little defense now?", with :15 left this happened:


Yes, this game was mere inches away from being tied up by Atlanta, if not for Brodeur's quick glove work. All in all, a great effort by the Devils and a nice win, but one that you don't expect to happen more than once a season.

* I almost bought tickets on Friday for a Rangers @ Devils game at the brand new Prudential Center . . . and then remembered that after the game was over, it would be 10:00 PM and I'd be in Newark. Seriously, I'll just watch it on TV.

* After beating the Rangers 2-1 in a close fought game on Tuesday, the Islanders did what they almost always do the next game: lose. Badly. This time, 7-1 to the struggling Leaves, albeit with their backup goalie. It's uncanny how they get up for the Rangers games, and follow it up immediately with a let down.

* It's official: the new RBK sweaters are pretty uniformly hideous, from the missing stripes that make Toronto look like they're skating in warmup jerseys, the ugly-ass lines and colors on Calgary, and the hideous orange sleeves on the Islanders. For some reason, the home jerseys for Dallas, Vancouver and Atlanta have giant letters with the city name on it, just in case their fans forgot where they were. How dumb to they think their fans are? Answer: pretty fucking dumb. Anyway, I noticed that the Original Six were virtually unchanged, but all of the Canadian teams' designs are not as subtly tweaked, because they know they are most likely to shell out the money for the new threads. But not only are they ugly, they also reportedly also retain more sweat and the players end up with more moisture inside their equipment (gloves, skates and pads). In other words, Bettman sucks.

* The Philadelphia Flyers need to be penalized severely for having two of their players in the past month viciously attack opponents. These 20+ game suspensions are meaningless if they're levied against marginal players like Boulerice (a 29 year old 4th line goon), and Downie (a non-starting rookie sent down to the minors mere hours later), and it's even more ridiculous that the team's management and coaches would not be punished at all. So how does this penalize the team? They should be forced to lose a roster spot for the duration of the suspensions, then maybe this nonsense would stop. Or maybe we could just eradicate the Flyers "organization" completely--that option sounds better to me.

* And of course, I'm rooting for the Colorado Rockies to win the World Series, since they were the original name of the New Jersey Devils. Does that mean they get their names on the Stanley Cup?